Are Long Distance Relationships Actually Better and Closer In Some Ways?

Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.

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Many individuals swear off potential long-distance relationships due to the belief that they are too difficult and frustrating.

Basic obstacles in a long-distance relationship

Long-distance relationships come with clear obstacles. For one, there is the inability to be together in person every day or several days per week, and many couples enjoy spending time together on a regular and frequent basis. Long-distance relationships make physical affection a challenge, too, as they miss the constancy of gestures as small as hand-holding to more physically intense behaviors, such as sexual experiences.

Adding to these challenges are the emotional ones that sometimes befall long-distance relationships. Individuals who are prone to insecurity or jealousy may find themselves questioning and wondering about what their partner is doing when they're on their own, and these insecurities can often lead to larger feelings of distrust and verbal conflicts in a relationship. Loneliness is a factor, too, as some end up feeling deprived of time and attention from someone whose love and care they crave. 

Given the factors described above, the challenges are evident. However, some research casts a wildly different perspective and suggests that there may be a unique benefit from them when it comes to emotional intimacy. 

Research suggests some unique benefits

Research from Jiang and Hancock in the Journal of Communication (2013) was designed to observe what exactly happens in long-distance relational communication, particularly when compared to geographically close ones. The study found that the emotional connections felt in long-distance relationships may be equally strong or stronger than their counterparts who are geographically close. Specifically, the diary study tested an intimacy-enhancing process and found that long-distance couples engage in more adaptive self-disclosures and form more idealized relationship perceptions than do geographically close couples across various interpersonal media. 

In particular, the finding regarding adaptive self-disclosures makes sense on an intuitive basis. Because long-distance couples who live farther apart don't have the same physical connection to "rest on," these couples must actively work harder to first develop and then sustain emotional bonds to hold them together. Self-disclosure is important for the emotional intimacy level of any relationship, but self-disclosure may be a key to the success of a long-distance relationship; moreover, it's possible that more self-disclosure is a necessity for a long-distance relationship to counteract the inherent obstacles. 

Practical tips if you're in a long-distance relationship

If you're considering a long-distance relationship or are already in one, be vigilant about practicing particular behaviors that foster a sense of closeness.

• Regular and multidimensional communication: Regular communication is especially important in long-distance relationships, but creative and multidimensional communication is just as important. Connecting virtually or by phone video can bring a greater sense of closeness than simply using the phone, and texting and emailing can help to bring a sense of immediate connection throughout the day.
• Writing letters: Something few couples do who live in the same location is write letters to each other, but being apart physically allows for a more thoughtful and deliberate way to communicate one's thoughts and feelings. Writing is a good mental health exercise for anyone, but writing a letter to a romantic partner encourages the writer to be more emotionally expressive than they may be prone to in regular conversation. In addition, receiving a letter from a partner can feel like a uniquely special experience, increasing the sense of emotional intimacy in the relationship.
• Having a "fears discussion": Finally, because long distance inevitably creates challenges that geographically close relationships don't have, the couple should agree to honestly convey any fears that come up with the other member of the couple. Fears about finding someone else or waiting too long to make a move where they are both in the same location are normal and should be expressed for both members of the couple to listen to the other and work through any anxieties or insecurities together.

Conclusion

As with many psychological phenomena, it's important to remember that the quality and success of long-distance and geographically close relationships will always depend on the members in each couple rather than norms reflected in the population or in psychology studies. In other words, a couple trying to make a relationship work successfully has the chance and capacity to make the relationship meaningful, satisfying, and lasting as long as they are both committed to making it work and adaptive as the relationship grows and changes. Research, including the study cited, serves as an important reminder about particular factors couples who embark on and seek to maintain a long-distance relationship should consider to promote the most successful outcome.