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Dr. Grigoryants discusses how some people have more realistic expectations than others from what to expect from plastic surgery. You can check out the whole podcast here!!
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Written by Seth Meyers, PsyD
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Verbal arguments and conflicts are an inevitable part of human interaction on an occasional basis, but conflicts between individuals should not be frequent or considered normal in any healthy relationship. Whether the relationship is professional, romantic, familial, or platonic, many of the same basic social conventions and expectations should apply.
To begin, a healthy relationship is not one that is perfect. Another way to frame a healthy relationship is to think of it as one that is "healthy enough," meaning that it is far more functional than dysfunctional.
In a healthy relationship, two individuals operate from basic principles that include empathy for others, reasonable expectations, and a shared understanding of the goals the two have for whatever type of relationship they have. Above all, a healthy enough relationship is far more harmonious than conflictual.
Unfortunately, individuals sometimes find themselves in ongoing relationships with a person who seeks out and induces conflicts with others. While a conflict-seeking person can be frustrating and challenging for anyone to navigate, management of such a person becomes especially difficult when there is interdependence in which one needs the conflict-seeker in some way. For example, a challenging co-worker may have information that’s required as a part of another’s job; a conflict-prone child can’t be avoided because the parent is responsible for them; and a conflict-prone spouse is a needed member of a family who typically provides some necessary value to the family system.
Managing a conflict-seeking individual as well as possible requires a basic understanding of why the conflict-seeker seeks conflict. If you have someone in your life who regularly induces you into conflicts, they may have a way of stating things verbally, emailing, or texting in a way that leaves you feeling a mix of emotions: confused, picked at, and frustrated. Dealing with such a person often renders you feeling as if you can’t win, or that no matter how hard you try to avoid weird or frustrating interactions with them, nothing you do seems to change it or stop it.
Conflict-seekers seek conflict and operate in problematic ways with others for various reasons. Some conflict-seekers, for instance, have a diagnosable mood disorder and operate from a dysregulated central nervous system that causes them to feel negative and unhappy.
Others have a personality organization consistent with features of what are known as cluster B personality disorders (criteria reflected in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.; DSM-5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Still other conflict-seekers are motivated by oppositionality and resist cooperation as a rule.
The cornerstone of understanding the psychological makeup of a conflict-seeker is the acceptance that their behavior isn't about you; it’s their basic personality. Though the behavior affects you personally, the behavior is not about you personally.
Based on many years of clinical experience, I can share that individuals who regularly seek conflicts with one person almost always seek conflicts with others. Rather than being personal to how the individual feels about you, their ongoing pattern of seeking conflicts reflects the discordant, noncollaborative way they operate in general in whatever type of relationship they’re in.
Conversations and interactions between individuals should typically feel like collaborations, and collaborations often involve an element of compromise. With conflict-seekers, however, collaboration and compromise are not operating principles.
When they induce conflicts, the conflicts often seem to start out of the blue and for no legitimate reason. Very quickly, the conflict-seeker can induce in you a problematic response style emblemized by the acronym JADE: justify, argue, defend, and explain. Because the conflict is often unwarranted and unwanted by you, you may frequently find yourself compelled to engage in any of those verbs in order to represent yourself and your logic in the interaction.
Falling victim to a pattern of JADE with a conflict-seeker is almost always a losing battle. No one, regardless of personality style, wants to believe they are wrong, and this rule applies in bold and italics for conflict-seekers. Overexplaining, justifying, and defending your point in a conflictual interaction with a conflict-seeker is simply wasted energy. While your wish to defend yourself is understandable on a common-sense basis, the root of your behavior indicates distorted thinking because believing you can reason with the unreasonable is wishful and idealistic thinking.
The reality is that the conflict-seeker has a serious problem in the way they communicate: their thinking is often illogical or irrational, and they seem to lack self-awareness of how distorted their perspective is. With such extreme distortion, you are not powerful enough to motivate someone skewed in this way to change. Odds are that the conflict seeker in your life has sought conflict for years, and this is not a simple behavior that is likely to change anytime soon. Protecting yourself by walking away and returning when calm is necessary to avoid engagement.
Reference:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596.
A good life mantra or motto to live by and believe in falls under the umbrella of the term "self-talk" we use in the mental health field. Self-talk refers to the inner dialogue we have with ourselves, or what we tell ourselves. Check out this clip and ask yourself what motto you live by!
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Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.
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As with any type of relationship, friendships vary according to quality, and it's the quality factor that many friends struggle with most when questioning whether they want to—or should—continue a particular friendship that's causing them strife.
Consulting a simple checklist of questions about such a friendship can help determine whether a friendship is worth maintaining, which means one that has an overall positive effect on your mood and mental health. The purpose of friendship, unlike other relationship types, is simple: to provide comfort and support. Ensuring a supportive friendship is important because good social support is associated with overall health and mental health. Specifically, what is important is the belief in the existence of social support (Morowatisharifabad & Tonekaboni, 2007).
Consider your friendship and ask yourself how often you feel upset as a result of interactions with them, as well as how intense some of the interactions have been. Were recent upsetting episodes simply annoying and bothersome, or were they extremely upsetting? Were you able to move past your feelings in the moment, or did your central nervous system react (increased heart rate, flushing of the face, and so forth)?
If you detect any sort of pattern of upset interactions that cause an actual fight-or-flight response (more than one such episode), the friendship may have more of a negative impact on your mental health than a positive one.
Interactions with a friend can be upsetting for various reasons. One frequent problem in unhealthy relationships is a problematic communication style, including difficulty identifying and communicating clearly about the exact upset feelings one is feeling.
If your friend is inept at managing and expressing their own feelings, you can find yourself in such a situation feeling confused, thrown off, and trying to figure out what is motivating your friend's words or behavior. Are they angry, or do they feel hurt and disappointed by you? It's often hard to know with friends who can't admit to you how they feel ("I felt really hurt when you said that," "I felt angry because I felt that you took advantage of the situation"). Many times, your friend may not even be able to admit to themself how they really feel, avoiding at all costs feeling sad or hurt for fear that this is a sign of weakness.
Regardless of the root cause, feeling that your friend is emotionally unpredictable and overly intense with you is a dynamic that some may tolerate but can take a serious emotional toll long-term on others.
People have different ways of managing emotions, and one common but problematic way of managing hurt feelings or anger toward another is to shut down and avoid the other person. In some cases, the hurt or angry individual goes a step further and wants to punish the other by hurting or upsetting them in turn.
In lay terms, the "silent treatment" is clinically often either an avoidant style of coping or a microaggression designed to cause a negative reaction. If you have a friendship in which they control the access, you have to communicate openly with them (by phone, in-person, or texting) when they're upset with you. This can be a serious sign that a friendship is not working in a healthy way.
When subject to uncomfortable circumstances with a friend, it's tempting to get stuck in the details and ruminate (over-focus) on them, but it's crucial to take a step back, identify your feelings, and remember what a friendship that works looks like. Ultimately, a friendship that works is a collaboration, not one where one dominates and "wins" and the other submits and "loses."
Friendship is a voluntary relationship that should feel equitable, meaning that there is no significant imbalance in the power dynamic. In some friendships, an individual whose personality is strong and who is accustomed to making the decisions in relationships can make a mistake, when upset, of holding onto rigid expectations of how the other should be. In friendship scenarios, they overindulge their need for greater power when they get upset and can treat their friend as if the friend is "in trouble," reminiscent of school-age scenarios in which one gets called to the principal's office.
This behavior is controlling, and the one doing the controlling is often so accustomed to this power position in a relationship that they don't even realize what they're doing with their friend. Research among adolescents has found that increases in perceived friend dominance were accompanied by increases in depressive and anxiety symptoms (Schacter, Hoffman & Ehrhardt, 2023), and adults who are likewise dominated in friendships may experience similar consequences.
A friendship is a relationship that must be treated respectfully and delicately. One must be careful to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship when reevaluating whether it is still working. Lived experience reminds us that many romantic relationships last for a time but then expire; the process of developing a friendship is similar in the sense of two people getting to know each other and then determining over time whether each can comfortably meet the other's needs.
Once you have a clear sense of your answer to the questions above, writing in a journal about what next steps you want to take can be helpful. In addition, processing these feelings with another trusted friend (who doesn't know that person) can help bring greater clarity.
One good possible step to take with the friend in question, when ready, includes gently talking with them about a few of the issues that have been bothering you to see if they are open and validate those feelings. Validation, after all, is a key component of any relationship worth keeping.
References:
Morowatisharifabad, M.A., & Tonekaboni, N.R. (2007). Social support and Self-care Behaviors in Diabetic Patients Referring to Yazd Diabetes Research Center. Zahedan Journal of Research in Medical Sciences, 9, 275-284.
Schacter, H. L., Hoffman, A. J., & Ehrhardt, A. D. (2023). The Power Dynamics of Friendship: Between- and Within- Person Associations among Friend Dominance, Self-Esteem, and Adolescent Internalizing Symptoms. Journal of youth and adolescence, 52(6), 1206–1218. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-023-01763-0.
Divorcing can be a very painful experience, but it's possible that something good can come from something bad. Check out this clip and see what you think. If you like this clip, subscribe to our channel!
From podcast INSIGHT with Dr. Seth -- Apple Podcasts & Spotify!
In this episode of INSIGHT with Dr. Seth, the hosts engage
in a light-hearted conversation that transitions into deeper topics such as the
Psychology Word of the Day (neuropsychologist vs. neurologist), the
difficulties and benefits of divorce, how people can lose themself in a
relationship, and the lessons learned from challenging personal experiences –
even dealing with tragedy – that can lead to personal growth. They ask the
question, Is divorce a failure? They discuss the importance of self-reflection
and taking accountability, coping strategies for handling life after divorce,
and how dating is weird after divorce (You are not "damaged goods!").
The conversation culminates in a discussion about life mottos, the role of
humor in healing and in grief or grieving, and the significance of compassion
in our interactions with others. If you like this clip, subscribe to our
channel!
Reference cited in episode:
U.S. Census Bureau (2021). Number, timing, and duration of marriages and divorces 2016. Washington, D.C.
