Conventional wisdom suggests that approximately ten percent
of adults are in recovery from alcohol or drug addiction, which means that
there’s a decent chance you’ll come across some of these men and women in the
dating world. If you enjoy the occasional alcoholic drink but aren’t an
alcoholic yourself, can you date someone who is stone-cold sober? The answer,
in short, depends on how central a role alcohol plays in your life. Let me
explain.
You know how some people call themselves “foodies?” There’s
not an equivalent term to describe men and women who are connoiseurs of
alcohol, but they certainly exist. Leaf through a glossy magazine, and you’ll
likely come across at least a few advertisements for glamorous wine festivals
or beer-lover events. Because I live in California which is home to endless
vineyards, wine is all the rage, and it’s common for those who can afford it to
head to a weekend in Napa Valley or a local vineyard for a little R & R. If
you are someone who doesn’t just drink alcohol but actually celebrates it as a
lifestyle choice, dating someone sober means that many of the activities you
enjoy won’t be shareable with your partner. Ask yourself: How would this feel?
On the other hand, scores of men and women enjoy an
occasional drink but, overall, alcohol is a take-it-or-leave-it thing for them.
The point of this article isn’t to designate which way is better or healthier –
because we already know that alcohol in moderation and making wise choices is
fine and good – but the point is to know who you are.
If enjoying drinks is a staple of your social life, consider
how drinking would be if your partner isn’t feeling the same buzz. Would you be
fine with that or would you feel like you’re not having as much fun as you
would if you were dating someone who was sober?
What it would be like
for your partner: Some sober men and women don’t want to be around someone
who is drinking because it reminds them of what they can’t have, or it could
trigger alcohol cravings. Other sober individuals don’t have a problem being
around others who are drinking. If you date someone who is sober, you need to
clearly ask the following question: “Are you comfortable if I drink in front of
you?” Sober individuals know themselves well enough that they will tell you the
truth.
What it would be like
for you, the social drinker: Picture yourself having a drink or two, and
sitting across from your sober boyfriend or girlfriend who’s drinking, say, an
iced tea or soda. Would you feel guilty? Would you not enjoy drinking as much
if your partner isn’t joining you? Some social drinkers who date sober
individuals choose to drink when they’re out with others but not in the company
of their sober partner. If you refrained from drinking with your partner, would
you secretly feel like you’re missing out? Even worse, would you start to feel
resentful that you have to make this sacrifice?
Keeping it all in
perspective
As much as people preach about there being lots of fish in
the proverbial sea, we all know the reality: It’s not every day that you meet
someone to whom you feel sexually and emotionally attracted. When you meet
someone you really like, you shouldn’t give up on that person for a trivial
reason. Sure, drinking may be a part of your social life, but are you sure that
it’s worth giving up the chance of a trusted relationship because you can’t
share a pitcher of margaritas together? Ultimately, these are decisions that
you have to make for yourself.
A few quick tips
The best thing you can do when you meet someone sober is to talk
about the possible issues with your new date; run the issue by a few friends
and family members; and listen to your instincts which will tell you whether
someone is worth the sacrifice. At the end of the day, I find that some of the
best romantic relationships are some of the least codependent. In other words,
two people can have a fulfilling, lasting relationship even if one member of
the couple chooses to pursue certain activities – say, a night out over
cocktails – while the other person does something different. No relationship
will ever be perfect and every relationship – even the best ones – involve some
degree of sacrifices.
Feel free to check out my book about relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition and Find the Love Deserve, here!
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