Dr. Seth: New Psychology Today Blogger

I am excited to report that Psychology Today invited me to start my own blog at their popular website. My blog at that site will be called "Insight is 20/20" and will debut this week.

I will continue to maintain this blog with my regular blogger, Amanda Kane, and will post information soon on the new blog for you to check it out!

HOT TOPIC: The Impact of Michael Jackson: Pure or Contaminated Nostalgia?

The death of iconic 50 year old superstar Michael Jackson has elicited a worldwide emotional reaction, as well as the obvious postmortem comparison to the life and death of an icon from another era - Elvis Presley.

The comparison is understandable on the surface and yet betrays any meaningful parallel upon further investigation. When it comes to Elvis Presley, our memory of him is intimately related to our experience with him during his lifetime - first, as a heterosexual sex symbol and later, as the all-to-predictable relic of fame and fortune in his social isolation and drug addiction. As we begin to remember Michael Jackson, our nostalgia is far more complicated.

Though Michael Jackson began his public career in a predictable enough manner - a child star who successfully transitioned into young adult star - his life soon took a drastic turn. Where Elvis was accepted into the public consciousness and valued, in part, because of his sexuality, the sexuality of Michael Jackson was more complex and even disturbing.

A male performer who wears makeup and speaks in a high, effeminate voice is received as bizarre - take Prince, for example - but this presentation does not necessarily cross into disturbing territory. When Michael Jackson's questionable sexuality appeared to go beyond makeup and effeminacy into the realm of alleged assaults on children, everything changed. Though he was never convicted of any sexual abuse charges against him, guilt by association forever haunted him.

The ultimate effect of his acquittal in the sexual abuse cases was to usher in greater doubt about his guilt - if fans really wanted to like him and admire his genius, the acquittals allowed some room for doubt about what really happened. In other words, we didn't have to feel as conflicted about liking him once he was let off the hook.

I heard a woman today report how sad she felt about his death, but I am convinced that many other mourners feel more torn than that. Yes, it is tragic when anyone dies of unnatural causes and does so prematurely, but don't his death and presence plastered all over the media recall the more disturbing images and events of the various sexual allegations and the trials that covered them? Without these allegations and trials, wouldn't our feelings of grief for him be more pure?

On a psychological level, the only comparison we can make about the lives and deaths of Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley relates to the twisted and depersonalizing impact enormous fame can have on a human being. Yet once we begin to switch our focus from their lives to our reactions to their deaths, we see the final difference. In the end, our conflicted feelings remind us of the difference between pure and contaminated nostalgia.

Invitation to Readers

If there is a specific issue or subject you would like me or Amanda Kane, Guest Blogger, to address, feel free to contact me at the e-mail address above. If your request is for Amanda Kane specifically, I will pass the request to her and she will determine whether she can write on that particular topic.

Though the blog originated with an exclusive relationship focus, it has grown to encompass other areas, as well. As long as the topic relates to coping in everyday life and making the most of the life you have, any request is fair game.

We will be unable to respond to all requests but, perhaps, you will find the topic of your choice
in a forthcoming post.

Thanks again for reading!

Everyone Lies – And Hopefully Feels Guilty Later

One of the hallmarks of a good sociopath – someone who suffers from Antisocial Personality Disorder – is frequent lies that help the sociopath to achieve his goals. However, everyone is guilty of telling a lie here and there without crossing over into Hannibal Lector territory.

First of all, think back to the last time you told a lie. Got it? If it’s a little tricky to pull up, let me help you. Think about all the people you see most frequently in your life – your partner, your boss, co-worker, and friends. My guess is that at least one of them has been on the receiving on end some sort of lie in the past few months.

Some people lie about simple things – and we call these “white” lies to make them seem a little more innocent. However, others lie about bigger things. Here is the point: When you lie about something big, the healthy response is to feel guilt because you know what you’ve done is wrong.

The next time a lie flies out of your mouth, check your reaction afterward. Hopefully you will feel some level of guilt, and this guilt will steer you toward truth in a similar situation in the future.

GUST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Mental Health Tip of the Day:
Have a Good Laugh!

I recently saw Kathy Griffin perform her unique, snarky brand of stand up comedy. I had a great time with my friends and laughed outrageously for about ninety straight minutes. The whole experience reminded me of that old adage about laughter being the best medicine.

Humor may not actually cure your problem, but laughing is very gratifying. When you actually think about it, laughter is both an emotional and cognitive intervention. It makes you instantly feel better and may challenges your perspective. Recognizing the absurdity of a dilemma, the inherent dark humor of a catastrophe, or the irony of a situation—are important tools helps us cope with life’s challenges.

Laughing with others is particularly rewarding because it connects us to a shared sensibility. It creates intimacy and even reminds us of the spirit of being in “it” (life) together. How about consciously bringing more humor and lightness into your day? Maybe plan a night out to a comedy club with friends or step up to the mike yourself. A fun, free stress reliever that increases intimacy…what could be better?

Question of the Week

This past weekend I was socializing with a group of friends and the discussion turned toward aging. Someone mentioned middle age which then led to another friend asking "What is middle aged exactly?" Each of us threw in our own two cents worth, and none of our answers was the same.

It occurred to me that this is a question that bears a changing answer over the course of time. Now that people are commonly living well into their 90's, we might need to reconsider what we once thought of as middle aged.

The next time you're out with a group of people, ask this question - the answers that follow might surprise you.

Film Recommendation: "White Oleander"

If you haven’t already seen it, you must put this film at the top of your must-see DVD list. The Peter Kosminsky film, based on Janet Fitch’s novel, is spellbinding from minute one to the end.

The film depicts a startlingly unique relationship between a complex mother and an emotionally tortured daughter, and offers an additional glimpse inside the world of the foster child in America today. The film dates back to 2002 but the story is timeless. Enjoy!

Dr. Seth: First Book to Come in 2010

I am happy to report a couple things in today's post. First, speaking of posts, I am happy to celebrate this post - the 200th for this blog that focuses on relationship issues. I also want to thank my Guest Blogger, therapist Amanda Kane, for helping to reach this milestone - it's not easy coming up with all these things to say! Amanda Kane is gifted, and she makes each Wednesday more thoughful and interesting with her articles. Together, I hope we are shedding some helpful light on relationship conundrums - thowing in the occasional offbeat post that may spark your interest.

Second, I am thrilled to report that my first book will be published in 2010. My co-writer, Katie Gilbert, and I are hard at work in order to meet the tentative December deadline for our publisher. What, you might, ask is the book about? In a word: relationships. I know I lose points for predictability...

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

It's Time to Eat Seasonally

Today I was chatting with an MD about American eating habits. The internist emphasized the amount of processed foods in many American diets and the affect on well-being. The conversation really got me thinking about the travesty of processed foods and how we frequently overlook healthy, simple foods like fruits and vegetables. Eating seasonally, (and I don't mean a Dairy Queen blizzard of the month) makes you feel better and look better. It's that simple. But it becomes more difficult because preparing a healthy meal takes forethought and energy--something that our busy lives sap. We are also bombarded and surrounded by easy, not-so-healthy choices (pasta bread bowl, anyone?)

Despite the challenges, this is the time of year to embrace fresh produce and commit to filling your diet with minimally processed foods. Spring and summer months are the easiest time of year for a diet makeover because of the abundant variety and superior quality of many fruits and vegetables. I fear that many Americans don't even realize which fruits and veggies are actually in-season at a given time.

I urge you to stop by your local farmers market and pick up some fresh strawberries (in season now!) or lettuce, watermelon, strawberries, cantaloupe, cherries, blueberries...yum! Many of these foods can be eaten with very minimal preparation, and eating seasonally saves money.

Even the first family has endorsed the slow-food movement by planting an organic vegetable garden at the White House. And a couple of weeks ago the Obamas had dinner at Blue Hill restaurant in New York City. It is the sister restaurant to a working farm in Westchester, NY that features local, fresh foods. I feel like if it is good enough for the Obamas then it is good enough for me :)

Alcoholics Anonymous: A Savior Coping Tool for Many Addicted to Alcohol

It’s my belief that everyone can relate to some degree of addiction. While not everyone may suffer from a true addiction, most people know what it feels like to really want something that’s not good for you. Whether its food, substances, or some other one-eyed demon, temptation can prove to be powerful and dangerous.

For those of you who struggle with alcohol addiction, learning how to effectively battle it can be downright awful. It’s no easy feat to understand 1) what makes you drink and 2) how to stop doing it in the future.

Many books have chronicled alcohol addiction with striking precision. The book that first comes to mind is Dry, written by Augesten Burroughs. He takes you to the bottom of the barrel with him, and you see how horrid and painful the addiction can be for its sufferers. A friend of mine also urges that Drinking: A Love Story, written by Caroline Knapp, is incredibly compelling, as well. Check out these or other books on the subject and you will get a greater understanding of addiction and the many ways it impacts an addict’s life.

The good news about alcohol addiction is that there are countless resources available to help you through it. One of the most powerful tools for recovery is Alcoholics Anonymous. While it may not work for everyone, it has certainly worked for the thousands of men and women whom AA refers to as “friends of Uncle Bill,” the founder of the organization.

If you feel that your alcohol use is getting or has gotten out of control, reach out for help now – or sooner rather than later. One of the helping hands offering support is AA, which you can reach through the following link:

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/meeting_finder.cfm?origpage=29.

Believe me when I say that there is a vast network out there to help and support you so that you can move forward and live a life more free from stress and self-harm.

Mental Health TIP OF THE DAY

My mental health tip today may surprise you. Typically, I advocate exercise or healthy eating – perhaps even quitting smoking, which I am currently trying to do. My tip today may surprise you because it’s a little outside of the box.

In a nutshell, think about when you made your last appearance at a church, temple, synagogue, or other place of worship. It’s my belief that too many people knock religion and spirituality - often doing so without fully understanding the very thing they’re criticizing. If it’s been a while since your last visit, go out on a limb and give it a try.

Positive mental health is all about flexibility and open-mindedness. Take a trip to a spiritual or religious place of worship and you may actually enjoy or learn from the experience!

Do Fathers Protect Children Better Than Mothers?

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection."
-- Sigmund Freud

I located this quote without an appropriate citation, but found the quote to be provocative and untrue. Was Freud a sexist? Is it fair to say that a young child feels more protected by his or her dad than mom? When we think of female animals in the wild, we conjure an image of the mother aggressively fending off prey interested in her little ones. Aren’t human mothers equally as protective?


A recent memory comes to mind in which I was driving through my neighborhood. I drove around a corner perhaps a little too quickly and saw a pregnant mother crossing the street as she pushed a stroller with a child in it. Sensing that my car posed a possible threat, she glared at me with the most intense, angry stare. I thought at the time about the protective instincts she must have as a mother, and how being pregnant must make a woman feel extra cautious and protective.


When I read the statement Freud made above, it strikes me as sexist and ignorant. Though I believe Freud brought a lot of understanding to the world of psychology and human behavior, we must remember not to idealize him. Like all of us, he had his limitations.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Sometimes Honesty Isn't the Best Policy...

A good friend of mine, Brittany, is going through a very difficult breakup. The relationship was long-distance and demanded a considerable amount of time and energy to maintain. Brittany felt like it was worth the multiple plane trips, expensive hotels, and weekends away from friends. She felt like she had found a "good guy" when she met Jonas.

But last Friday her good guy called her after work around 11 pm. He acted like everything was normal until the conversation took an unexpected turn and he began sobbing over the phone. Jonas confessed that he had sex with a co-worker at a recent convention and that he wanted to break-up with Brittany. Understandably, Brittany was shocked and devastated. She felt humiliated, enraged, and deeply sad. Not only did she have to deal with being dumped, but she also had to deal with the information that her boyfriend cheated.

When Brittany recounted the situation, she wondered out loud why Jonas would choose to tell her about the infidelity. "Wasn't it enough to breakup with me?" It felt like salt rubbed into a wound.

Usually I endorse honesty as the best policy in relationships. Honesty about feelings can lead to greater intimacy and strengthen a union. With that said, honesty frequently needs to be finessed--and diplomacy is important. It is even more important to understand why you feel the need to be honest with your partner. Ask yourself, "Why is it important that I share this information?" and "What are my motivations?" Also ask yourself how this revelation, whether small or large, will affect your partner.

But sometimes honesty is not the best policy. Telling your partner something like, "I really hate your cooking" probably will not strengthen the relationship (although it may lead to less cooking, which may be a secondary gain). If you are wielding some bit of truth as a weapon to hurt your lover, then honesty is the service of aggression is not the best tact. Similarly, if you feel compelled to confess a secret because you want to lessen your guilt or make yourself feel better, then you may cause your loved one unnecessary pain.

Cigarettes: The Most Dangerous Spouse

Cigarette smoking is one of the most evil addictions, bearing psychological, oral, and chemical components. If you smoke, you have probably tried to quit and know just how difficult a task it is. If you don’t smoke, you probably believe smoking is disgusting and can’t wrap your head around why people would ever fall into such a disgusting habit.


Why people smoke is complicated. At root, though, smoking reflects the wish to avoid some uncomfortable feeling – boredom, anxiety, or depression. As a therapist and clinical psychologist, I can understand how smoking provides a soothing function for smokers. After all, people wouldn’t do it if they didn’t like the immediate effects.


The ‘evil spouse part’ comes in when it comes to the long-term effects of cigarettes. It’s such a cruel paradox that what soothes immediately harms over the long haul. In this way, cigarettes are like any other hardcore drug – good for a moment, evil afterward.


If you smoke, cigarettes have become the spouse you need to divorce. Though you have likely been together for a long time, your relationship has become toxic and it is time for you to move on. There are supports for you to help you through your separation. Do a simple online search and you will find all kinds of websites with information to help you break free from this truly evil relationship!

Dr. Seth in the Media

Check out Dr. Seth in the current magazine issues of Cosmopolitan (June) and In Touch Weekly (May 25)!