Written by Seth Meyers * podcast INSIGHT with Dr. Seth
WATCH the Dr. Seth video on Narcissism –
Warning Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist & How to Cope
As a practicing psychologist, one of the most common
problems patients present is the stress and confusion that stems from having a
relationship with someone who is narcissistic.
While narcissistic personality exists on a spectrum, the
full-blown disorder is defined as Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.;
DSM–5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Having written extensively
about narcissism in my career, I've addressed various facets of narcissism but
have not, until now, addressed the personality characteristics narcissists are
attracted to in potential romantic partners.
Given the narcissist's complex personality makeup, what the
narcissist looks for in a partner is similarly complex. Narcissists
don't require one magical personality ingredient in their partners; they
require a highly specific set of traits.
A good analogy to explain the mate selection process for a
narcissist is to think of the narcissist as an engineer; one who
creates a relationship paradigm that will support their extensive (and
abnormal) psychological needs. The narcissist's needs are so great and
deeply rooted that they have been forced, for the sake of psychological
survival, to figure out which types of people can and cannot meet their needs,
and who will and will not put up with their erratic behavior and distorted
set of relationship rules.
What is the narcissist most drawn to in potential
partners?
One may imagine that the narcissist is most drawn to
partners who will show them the most attention. This perspective is
logical given the narcissist's driving interest for narcissistic supply, a
clinical term that refers to a mix of attention and reinforcement
for the superior image the narcissist tries to project to
the world.
However, the psychological needs of the narcissist are
too extensive to be satisfied by just one personality trait in a potential
partner. Accordingly, the narcissist is drawn to a complex set of
personality traits in potential partners which are highlighted below.
Feeling responsible for others
Narcissists are attracted to individuals who tend to feel
responsible for others. Despite the myth that narcissists have, colloquially,
huge egos, the opposite is actually true. The narcissist, at root, is insecure
and fears being powerless, which is why they work so hard to project an image
of superiority and strength. Because the narcissist's true ego is fragile, they
rely on their romantic partners to constantly make them feel important,
valuable, and special.
While most adults are busy navigating their daily lives,
they don't have the necessary time or energy to devote to a narcissist. Yet a
select group of adults who have a personality style and life history of feeling
responsible for others provides an exception. Partners who feel responsible for
others' feelings will often tolerate more than is psychologically healthy
because they feel indebted to take care of others.
Denying or sacrificing their own emotional needs
The next trait narcissists are drawn to in potential
partners relates to the first and requires less explanation. Individuals
who feel responsible for others often find themselves focusing on others' needs
to the exclusion of their own, and they often
report "losing themselves" in relationships.
This result is inevitable as long as these individuals are
in a relationship with the narcissist. Because the narcissist has so many
needs, there simply isn't enough space in the relationship for the partner to
have many needs of their own.
Highly empathetic
Empathy, in a word, is an opiate for the narcissist.
Individuals who have a high level of empathy are extremely appealing to
narcissists because narcissists crave acknowledgment and validation for their
thoughts and feelings (clinically, being "mirrored"). Highly
empathetic individuals make perfect targets for the affection of a narcissist
because those high in empathy, by definition, care greatly for the feelings of
others and make people feel valued and special.
A complex self-esteem
In my 20 years of experience of providing psychotherapy to
patients, I've found anecdotally that the self-esteem of narcissists'
partners is complex, often including a mix of high and low
self-esteem.
Narcissists are attracted to dynamic and appealing
partners, individuals who appear as if they have high self-esteem but who also
have a "pocket" or two of low self-esteem. This pocket of low
self-esteem, often stemming from experiences as a young person, can be
understood as an old lingering voice that tells the partners
that they are not good enough in some way. Typically, the pocket of
self-esteem is related to a fear of abandonment or not being good enough in
terms of a particular measure (appearance, intelligence, or another
factor related to self-image).
Promoting the image they want to project
Narcissists are hypervigilant about the self-image they
present. Self-image is the foundation upon which all their outward
behavior (actions and expressed words) is built. When it comes to the partners
narcissists seek, they want partners who make them look good and support the
image they wish to convey to the world. Akin to the calculated and
transactional way narcissists get their needs met, the partner is selected
as an object or "value add."
Prone to guilt
Finally, narcissists are often drawn to individuals who are
prone to feeling guilty. Such individuals are typically emotionally sensitive
and they may doubt or second-guess themselves in emotionally complex
situations. This personality trait is crucial for the narcissists'
psychological functioning because these individuals are easier to manipulate
and control, and narcissists tell themselves that guilt-prone
individuals will also be less likely to leave them.
Conclusion
For individuals who have or have had a romantic relationship
with a narcissist, a review of these factors can provoke sadness or even
self-blame. They may question how or why they ever put up with such an unfair
and dysfunctional relationship.
These individuals should keep in mind that their survival in
the relationship shows how psychologically resilient they are and that the
experience can provide important life lessons about the boundaries they must
learn to uphold in relationships. Ultimately, the partners should never
blame themselves for getting together with a narcissist because, true to the
narcissist's calculating nature, the narcissist excels at presenting a false
self at the beginning of any relationship.
WATCH the Dr. Seth video on Narcissism – Warning
Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist & How to Cope
Reference:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and
statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
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