Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D. * podcast INSIGHT with Dr. Seth
WATCH the Dr. Seth video on Dating aNarcissist – Warning Signs of Narcissism in Dating Profiles and on Dates
In preparing to write this post, my intention had been to
highlight how narcissistic personality remains largely misunderstood by the
public. Specifically, I have found that most of the clients and everyday
individuals I talk to about narcissism tend to associate it with a sense of
superiority, meaning that they understand narcissists as having an inflated
ego. While an outward show of superiority is a definite part of the
narcissistic personality, a sense of superiority (or pursuit of it) is not
the central factor of the disorder. The root of the disorder is actually a
strict resistance to feeling vulnerable with anyone at any time.
Here’s a lay description of how it works: The narcissist
does not truly trust others in close relationships. Because the narcissist
does not trust others, he (Note: you could just as easily change the pronoun
to she) refuses to put himself in a position where he feels
vulnerable. Despite the outward appearance of grandiosity and superiority, the
narcissist actually lives in a state of anxiety and hypervigilance.
Think about it: People can't feel great about
themselves all the time, though narcissists desperately try. The
narcissist fears that acknowledging any weakness will allow someone else the
chance to take advantage of him or gain power over him. To keep up the
façade and stave off any occasional feelings of vulnerability or weakness, he
learns to overcompensate by acting stronger and more powerful than
he feels. Again, the root of the disordered personality always relates
back to vulnerability. The superiority part of the personality
organization is secondary; the vulnerability aversion is primary.
Because vulnerability is so central to narcissistic
personality, my original intention had been to propose that renaming
narcissistic personality would help to make this enigmatic and complex
personality disorder less confusing to the public. If Narcissistic Personality
Disorder were renamed to capture the vulnerability aversion, it might help
everyday men and women detect this personality type in individuals in their own
lives; education could help save people unnecessary anguish in relationships with
people who have a narcissistic personality. The name that I believe captures
the central components best is “Vulnerability-Avoidant/Superiority-Seeking
Personality Disorder.” True, the term is chock full of jargon, but so is
“Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder" (ADHD). Even though the
name contains pop-psychology jargon, at least it explains clearly to the
public what the disorder is. What does the term “Narcissistic Personality
Disorder” explain? Very little. Is the public supposed to refer back to an ancient
myth—Narcissus stuck gazing at himself in a reflective pool—to make sense of
it?
But my intention took a turn when I started to reflect on
one particular group of narcissists that breaks with the narcissist's
typical orientation. People sometimes say that narcissists don’t go to
therapy because they don’t want to let a therapist look at or expose their
flaws. It’s not true, though, that narcissists don’t seek out therapy. Many
narcissistic men and women do. Why? Because someone or something in their lives
has bruised their ego and chipped away at their self-image. Someone or something
has made them feel that maybe they are not so great, or maybe they need someone
to prop them up so they can feel better about themselves. In short, narcissists
who seek out therapy aren’t true or total narcissists. Such men and women would
not necessarily meet the criteria required for a diagnosis of Narcissistic
Personality Disorder, though they may have several key narcissistic traits.
The point is that seeking help from a psychotherapist
requires some willingness to be vulnerable, and so true narcissists could not
go to therapy because they couldn’t manage the anxiety, sadness, and even rage
that would come up if they were to expose their true selves to a therapist.
Simply put, true narcissists have zero interest in introspection or
self-improvement. Their guiding principle: Never, ever let your guard down.
The fact that some narcissistic individuals seek therapy and
others do not is a reminder that all disorders exist on a spectrum, and most
people who have disordered behavior or a disordered personality may have
several traits of a given disorder without meeting the full set of criteria.
Narcissism is complex, but it can be better understood
by reading more about it. I urge my clients to read about
narcissistic personality, but therapists must keep reading, too, to ensure the
best possible grasp of the subject. My hope is that individuals come to a
better understanding of how the superiority displayed by narcissists is
actually a mask - a psychological defense - hiding the underlying root of
the problem: The narcissist cannot tolerate being vulnerable. Once you
understand that, you can ask yourself an important question: What kind of a
relationship can I have with a person who can’t be vulnerable with me?
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