How to Handle the Conflict-Seekers in Your Life

Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.

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Verbal arguments and conflicts are an inevitable part of human interaction on an occasional basis, but conflicts between individuals should not be frequent or considered normal in any healthy relationship. Whether the relationship is professional, romantic, familial, or platonic, many of the same basic social conventions and expectations should apply.

To begin, a healthy relationship is not one that is perfect. Another way to frame a healthy relationship is to think of it as one that is "healthy enough," meaning that it is far more functional than dysfunctional.

In a healthy relationship, two individuals operate from basic principles that include empathy for others, reasonable expectations, and a shared understanding of the goals the two have for whatever type of relationship they have. Above all, a healthy enough relationship is far more harmonious than conflictual.

Interdependence Makes It More Difficult to Manage a Conflict-Seeker

Unfortunately, individuals sometimes find themselves in ongoing relationships with a person who seeks out and induces conflicts with others. While a conflict-seeking person can be frustrating and challenging for anyone to navigate, management of such a person becomes especially difficult when there is interdependence in which one needs the conflict-seeker in some way. For example, a challenging co-worker may have information that’s required as a part of another’s job; a conflict-prone child can’t be avoided because the parent is responsible for them; and a conflict-prone spouse is a needed member of a family who typically provides some necessary value to the family system.

Managing a conflict-seeking individual as well as possible requires a basic understanding of why the conflict-seeker seeks conflict. If you have someone in your life who regularly induces you into conflicts, they may have a way of stating things verbally, emailing, or texting in a way that leaves you feeling a mix of emotions: confused, picked at, and frustrated. Dealing with such a person often renders you feeling as if you can’t win, or that no matter how hard you try to avoid weird or frustrating interactions with them, nothing you do seems to change it or stop it.

Why Do Conflict-Seekers Do What They Do?

Conflict-seekers seek conflict and operate in problematic ways with others for various reasons. Some conflict-seekers, for instance, have a diagnosable mood disorder and operate from a dysregulated central nervous system that causes them to feel negative and unhappy.

Others have a personality organization consistent with features of what are known as cluster B personality disorders (criteria reflected in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.; DSM-5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Still other conflict-seekers are motivated by oppositionality and resist cooperation as a rule.

Conflict-Seeking Usually Isn't Personal

The cornerstone of understanding the psychological makeup of a conflict-seeker is the acceptance that their behavior isn't about you; it’s their basic personality. Though the behavior affects you personally, the behavior is not about you personally.

Based on many years of clinical experience, I can share that individuals who regularly seek conflicts with one person almost always seek conflicts with others. Rather than being personal to how the individual feels about you, their ongoing pattern of seeking conflicts reflects the discordant, noncollaborative way they operate in general in whatever type of relationship they’re in.

Be On Alert for the Acronym JADE

Conversations and interactions between individuals should typically feel like collaborations, and collaborations often involve an element of compromise. With conflict-seekers, however, collaboration and compromise are not operating principles.

When they induce conflicts, the conflicts often seem to start out of the blue and for no legitimate reason. Very quickly, the conflict-seeker can induce in you a problematic response style emblemized by the acronym JADE: justify, argue, defend, and explain. Because the conflict is often unwarranted and unwanted by you, you may frequently find yourself compelled to engage in any of those verbs in order to represent yourself and your logic in the interaction.

Falling victim to a pattern of JADE with a conflict-seeker is almost always a losing battle. No one, regardless of personality style, wants to believe they are wrong, and this rule applies in bold and italics for conflict-seekers. Overexplaining, justifying, and defending your point in a conflictual interaction with a conflict-seeker is simply wasted energy. While your wish to defend yourself is understandable on a common-sense basis, the root of your behavior indicates distorted thinking because believing you can reason with the unreasonable is wishful and idealistic thinking.

The reality is that the conflict-seeker has a serious problem in the way they communicate: their thinking is often illogical or irrational, and they seem to lack self-awareness of how distorted their perspective is. With such extreme distortion, you are not powerful enough to motivate someone skewed in this way to change. Odds are that the conflict seeker in your life has sought conflict for years, and this is not a simple behavior that is likely to change anytime soon. Protecting yourself by walking away and returning when calm is necessary to avoid engagement.