WATCH Dr. Seth's video on How to Handle a Friendship Ending & Growing Apart!
As with any type of relationship, friendships vary according to quality, and it's the quality factor that many friends struggle with most when questioning whether they want to—or should—continue a particular friendship that's causing them strife.
Consulting a simple checklist of questions about such a friendship can help determine whether a friendship is worth maintaining, which means one that has an overall positive effect on your mood and mental health. The purpose of friendship, unlike other relationship types, is simple: to provide comfort and support. Ensuring a supportive friendship is important because good social support is associated with overall health and mental health. Specifically, what is important is the belief in the existence of social support (Morowatisharifabad & Tonekaboni, 2007).
Consider your friendship and ask yourself how often you feel upset as a result of interactions with them, as well as how intense some of the interactions have been. Were recent upsetting episodes simply annoying and bothersome, or were they extremely upsetting? Were you able to move past your feelings in the moment, or did your central nervous system react (increased heart rate, flushing of the face, and so forth)?
If you detect any sort of pattern of upset interactions that cause an actual fight-or-flight response (more than one such episode), the friendship may have more of a negative impact on your mental health than a positive one.
Interactions with a friend can be upsetting for various reasons. One frequent problem in unhealthy relationships is a problematic communication style, including difficulty identifying and communicating clearly about the exact upset feelings one is feeling.
If your friend is inept at managing and expressing their own feelings, you can find yourself in such a situation feeling confused, thrown off, and trying to figure out what is motivating your friend's words or behavior. Are they angry, or do they feel hurt and disappointed by you? It's often hard to know with friends who can't admit to you how they feel ("I felt really hurt when you said that," "I felt angry because I felt that you took advantage of the situation"). Many times, your friend may not even be able to admit to themself how they really feel, avoiding at all costs feeling sad or hurt for fear that this is a sign of weakness.
Regardless of the root cause, feeling that your friend is emotionally unpredictable and overly intense with you is a dynamic that some may tolerate but can take a serious emotional toll long-term on others.
People have different ways of managing emotions, and one common but problematic way of managing hurt feelings or anger toward another is to shut down and avoid the other person. In some cases, the hurt or angry individual goes a step further and wants to punish the other by hurting or upsetting them in turn.
In lay terms, the "silent treatment" is clinically often either an avoidant style of coping or a microaggression designed to cause a negative reaction. If you have a friendship in which they control the access, you have to communicate openly with them (by phone, in-person, or texting) when they're upset with you. This can be a serious sign that a friendship is not working in a healthy way.
When subject to uncomfortable circumstances with a friend, it's tempting to get stuck in the details and ruminate (over-focus) on them, but it's crucial to take a step back, identify your feelings, and remember what a friendship that works looks like. Ultimately, a friendship that works is a collaboration, not one where one dominates and "wins" and the other submits and "loses."
Friendship is a voluntary relationship that should feel equitable, meaning that there is no significant imbalance in the power dynamic. In some friendships, an individual whose personality is strong and who is accustomed to making the decisions in relationships can make a mistake, when upset, of holding onto rigid expectations of how the other should be. In friendship scenarios, they overindulge their need for greater power when they get upset and can treat their friend as if the friend is "in trouble," reminiscent of school-age scenarios in which one gets called to the principal's office.
This behavior is controlling, and the one doing the controlling is often so accustomed to this power position in a relationship that they don't even realize what they're doing with their friend. Research among adolescents has found that increases in perceived friend dominance were accompanied by increases in depressive and anxiety symptoms (Schacter, Hoffman & Ehrhardt, 2023), and adults who are likewise dominated in friendships may experience similar consequences.
A friendship is a relationship that must be treated respectfully and delicately. One must be careful to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship when reevaluating whether it is still working. Lived experience reminds us that many romantic relationships last for a time but then expire; the process of developing a friendship is similar in the sense of two people getting to know each other and then determining over time whether each can comfortably meet the other's needs.
Once you have a clear sense of your answer to the questions above, writing in a journal about what next steps you want to take can be helpful. In addition, processing these feelings with another trusted friend (who doesn't know that person) can help bring greater clarity.
One good possible step to take with the friend in question, when ready, includes gently talking with them about a few of the issues that have been bothering you to see if they are open and validate those feelings. Validation, after all, is a key component of any relationship worth keeping.
WATCH Dr. Seth's video on How to Handle a Friendship Ending & Growing Apart!
References:
Morowatisharifabad, M.A., & Tonekaboni, N.R. (2007). Social support and Self-care Behaviors in Diabetic Patients Referring to Yazd Diabetes Research Center. Zahedan Journal of Research in Medical Sciences, 9, 275-284.
Schacter, H. L., Hoffman, A. J., & Ehrhardt, A. D. (2023). The Power Dynamics of Friendship: Between- and Within- Person Associations among Friend Dominance, Self-Esteem, and Adolescent Internalizing Symptoms. Journal of youth and adolescence, 52(6), 1206–1218. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-023-01763-0.
WATCH my 23 minute video Introduction to Psychopathic Traits - Your Psychopath Questions Answered
Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.
By definition, the psychopathic individual doesn’t have successful relationships. Actually, the truth is more about capacity than quality. With the psychopath, there is an absence of emotional connection and true empathetic feeling. The psychopathic individual simply isn’t capable of trusting and depending on another individual. To sit with them and assess them as I have in forensic settings, it’s as if you’re talking with someone who’s part ice. Though they engage in sex (and other trappings of relationships), their experience of sex is vastly different from their non-psychopathic peers.
First, let’s quickly review the most disturbing traits of the psychopathic individual: According to the Antisocial Personality Questionnaire (Blackburn & Fawcett, 1999), primary psychopathy is characterized by hostility, extraversion, self-confidence, impulsivity, aggression, and mild-to-moderate anxiety. Though the psychopath may commit illegal crimes, a psychopath can go through life wreaking harm on others and yet never commit an actual crime. The traits of the psychopath are deeply troubling when applied to sex and relationships.
Sex is never a mutually emotional experience with a psychopathic individual.
Conventional wisdom suggests that sex should be an emotional and intimate experience. Think of any popular ballad on the radio, and you know what I mean—songs about idealistic, perfect love in which both partners love and trust, and make love until dawn because their emotional connection is so strong. Simply put, a psychopathic individual would be the last person in the world to have that kind of lasting, sustainable connection. Psychopathic individuals are chiefly oriented around getting their most important needs met, regardless of the expense to others.
Because psychopathic individuals don’t have mutually dependent and respectful romantic relationships, they can’t have a healthy sex life, either. The psychopathic individual is often a pro at seducing and getting someone into bed, but the process is more of a calculated game than an organic emotional—and then sexual—experience.
What turns on the psychopathic individual?
The psychopathic individual is sexually motivated by power—everything is a means to an end. If having a sexual relationship with a woman means that she will then trust him more or give him more money, he will perform the sexual task with Herculean bravado. Some of the women I have worked with who have gotten involved with psychopathic individuals actually share how amazing sex can be with them.
How could this be so?
Like much of their behavior, psychopathic individuals have mastered the art of performance. They perform in areas of their lives most people wouldn’t even imagine—saying “I’m sorry” with the right sensitive tone, having seen an actor do it really well in a movie; professing love as if the world were to end the next day, reminiscent of lyrics from a popular song; always dressing the part wherever they may be, understanding that image and first impressions can lure others into their lair. When it comes to sex, psychopathic individuals perform, too.
The psychopathic individual who seeks to drain the bank account of a vulnerable but wealthy individual will have as much sex—or provide the best sex possible—if it helps him or her achieve that goal. Similarly, another psychopathic individual who has sexual urges seeks a willing partner on whom to force himself and have sex as rough as necessary to discharge the dysregulated, hostile energy.
Promiscuous behavior, and multiple short-term relationships.
The psychopathic individual frequently engages in promiscuous sexual behavior or has many short-term marital relationships, both items on Robert Hare’s seminal Psychopathy Checklist—Revised (1991). Ali and Chamorro-Premuzic (2010), for example, found that primary psychopathy was linked to more promiscuity and less commitment.
Psychopathic individual don’t engage in promiscuous sex because they love sex so much; it’s more about boosting their ego when they feel rejected, obtaining power, or defending against the boredom psychopathic individuals often feel. Plus, sex—especially with a stranger—allows the psychopath to get incredibly quick access to another person at their most sexually intimate and vulnerable. Because psychopathic individuals have their eye on a goal, getting someone in a vulnerable position allows them to take more advantage of them. If someone is lonely, they may be more susceptible to the sexual advances of a psychopath—even if their instinct tells them something about this new person seems off or, as is sometimes the case, they seem "too good to be true."
The psychopathic individual at the bar, restaurant, or other social hangouts.
Bars and restaurants with active happy hours are especially popular spots for psychopathic individual to sexually pursue individuals. With the wheels greased with alcohol, men and women alike are more willing to fall prey to the psychopathic individual’s highly calculated strategies to ensnare. The psychopath in this setting can be spotted by picking up on the following signals: excessive, forced flattery; looking for pity or sympathy; creating a sense that the two share a deep, almost destined connection right from the start; and asking extremely personal questions too soon in service of the need to ascertain the target’s emotional weaknesses.
Finding victims when they’re lonely, depressed, or emotionally lost.
A female client of mine who started her relationship with a psychopathic individual in a bar later told me, “I thought he was coming on a little strong, but I guess I was just really lonely at the time.” Psychopathic individuals are experts at reading cues that indicate vulnerability, as these are the circumstances when normal men and women are most likely to fall for the psychopath’s tactics. It’s critical for everyone to trust their instincts when it comes to the sexual advances of others, especially when they get the sense that the pursuer is dead-set on sealing the deal at that moment—and getting them home.
Disposing of sexual or romantic partners as if they're unnecessary objects.
Just as a complex dynamic is at work with the abused woman who stays with an abusive boyfriend or husband, an equally complex dynamic is at work with the psychopath and his victim. People often stay with a psychopath far longer than they’re proud to admit because the psychopathic individual has brainwashed the victim over time through a series of self-esteem-killing strategies, such as isolating them from family and friends or criticizing them in countless ways. It’s often when the psychopathic individual ends the relationship that the victims seek mental health treatment, frequently because they are devastated by the way they were abandoned so flippantly.
It’s hard for most people to understand how anyone could cut off a partner so quickly and callously, but healing from a relationship with a psychopath usually requires that the victim clearly understands the unique psychological profile of the psychopath. Healing also requires that the victim understand how vastly different the psychopath’s needs are in comparison: In essence, their emotional needs are all about serving their own grandiose self-image, and not at all about mutuality or reciprocity.
Most important, the psychopathic individual will never truly honor the victim’s feelings, especially when it comes to asking the psychopath to take accountability for their deceitful and conscience-less ways. There will never be any meaningful, lasting insight from the psychopath. Martha Stout says it best in her book, The Sociopath Next Door: “In general, people without conscience tend to believe their way of being in the world is superior to ours.” (My video link below.)
WATCH my 23 minute video Introduction to Psychopathic Traits - Your Psychopath Questions Answered
References:
Ali, F., & Chamorro-Premuzic, T. (2010). The dark side of love and life satisfaction: Associations with intimate relationships, psychopathy and Machiavellianism. Personality and Individual Differences, 48, 228-233.
Blackburn, R., & Fawcett, D.J. (1999). The Antisocial Personality Questionnaire: An inventory for assessing deviant traits in offender populations. European Journal of Psychological Assessment, 15, 14-24.
Hare, R. D. (1991). The Hare Psychopathy Checklist – Revised. North Tonawanda, NY: Multi-Health Systems.
Stout, M. (2005). The sociopath next door: The ruthless vs. the rest of us. New York: Broadway Books, p. 50.
In the episode of podcast INSIGHT with Dr. Seth called "Psychopathic Traits Explained", the most common questions about psychopath traits are answered. Check out the fullpodcast here (also on Spotify & Apple Podcasts).
Highlighted Reference:
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Siegel, A., & Victoroff, J. (2009). Understanding human
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Not everyone wants to share with people who they are voting for, whether it's a national election or a simple, informal election at the local school board. If you are comfortable sharing, good for you; if you're not, consider other options you can say, such as the one described in the video.
We discuss this issue and others in the podcast INSIGHT with Dr. Seth which you can check out here!
If you like this clip, check out the full podcast episode here!
In the full episode of the podcast INSIGHT with Dr. Seth, hosted by psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers, you'll hear some of the most common questions people ask about psychopathy answered.
