Dr. Seth Meyers, Clinical Psychologist

Dr. Seth Meyers, Clinical Psychologist

Thursday, September 29, 2016

RELATIONSHIPS: 4 Mistakes Older Women (aka “Cougars”) Make Dating Younger Men

As a rule, there is nothing wrong with a woman dating a younger man. Big age differences definitely bring challenges, so my advice to any woman open to dating younger men is to not date someone more than ten or so years younger. If you want to make it work, keep some basic rules in mind. I have highlighted four mistakes that women sometimes make in dating younger men, and following these rules will prove to your younger guy that you see him as a real person and not an object to be picked off the shelf for play time. Men – and women, too – need to feel respected and valued, and following these suggestions will show him that you care and see him as a real man despite his younger age.

Expecting that younger men will want to be sexual all the time

Sex is an extremely delicate issue in relationships, and the degree to which a person feels sexual and seeks out sexual activity couldn't be more complex. How much you desire sexual activity has to do with your mood disposition, your personality style, and even your biological makeup. Just because a man is younger doesn't mean that he will be very sexual. The notion that young men want sex all the time? It may be true in many cases but it is simply not true in all cases.

Paying for everything

You may have money to share, but oversharing your money with a younger man often causes him to feel powerless or resentful later. It's important that a man - or woman, for that matter - feel purposeful and needed in a relationship. Even if a man does not have much disposable money to spend on a woman, it doesn't mean that he wants to be paid for all the time by a surrogate mommy. Don't make the mistake of believing that he will come to depend on you for your money - and not leave you because of it - because men typically only stay in relationships when their emotional - not financial - needs are being met.

Over-flattering them or talking about them as a "boy toy" in front of others

If you are flattering him or making comments about how attractive or sexy he is in front of your friends or his friends, be careful to not overdo it. If you make these kinds of comments too frequently, the flattery will wear thin quickly and actually start to bother him. Comments that are too sexualized will make him feel like an object or a caricature, and all anyone really wants in the end is to be liked for who they are beneath their skin.

Pressuring him to introduce you to his friends or family

If there's a tiny age difference between the two of you (e.g., zero to several years), the age difference will not make a major difference in the relationship. But if there is a significant age difference, the younger man you are with may feel nervous about what others may say about him. Understand that his anxiety is not about you, but rather his fear that others may see him as powerless in the relationship because he is younger (and typically) less established in his career and finances. If he doesn’t want to meet your friends or family members in the first few months, don’t pressure him. He may change his mind as long as you don’t pressure him to do so.

How do you make it work with a younger man?

The savviest strategy you can follow is to treat him like a man who happens to be a certain number of years younger, but who inspires and excites you emotionally like a male peer your own age. In other words, don't focus on or talk too much about the age difference so that you can focus instead on your shared interests. After all, it's liking the same sorts of things - activities and hobbies - that keeps people together for years to come.

3 comments:

Unknown said...

Would you consider this a mistake: five days after my (now ex)-husband were married, my mil served my fil with divorce papers,(out of the blue) and later married the maintenance man of their condo, a mexican named "Notch", who had 17 brothers and sisters, none of whom we ever met, over the next two decades. he was 18 years younger than she, and I felt she either wanted another son (ex was adopted), or he wanted a golden goose. I also believe it was the beginning of the end of our marriage, as from that point on, everything was split, and we became children of divorce, ex filed for divorce, and now I fear for my children. Oh, and both my ex-in laws are married to other people, and I am alone, my ex is a narc, and my children have become alienated from me.

Unknown said...

Would you consider this a mistake: five days after my (now ex)-husband were married, my mil served my fil with divorce papers,(out of the blue) and later married the maintenance man of their condo, a mexican named "Notch", who had 17 brothers and sisters, none of whom we ever met, over the next two decades. he was 18 years younger than she, and I felt she either wanted another son (ex was adopted), or he wanted a golden goose. I also believe it was the beginning of the end of our marriage, as from that point on, everything was split, and we became children of divorce, ex filed for divorce, and now I fear for my children. Oh, and both my ex-in laws are married to other people, and I am alone, my ex is a narc, and my children have become alienated from me.

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