Sunday, September 11, 2011
Too Much Sex: When He Wants More Than You Do
One of the most commmon complaints I hear in my practice has to do with sex. Either someone isn't getting as much as desired, is being pressured to dish it out, or any other variations of the same problem. Recently, I gave a talk at a seminar and was approached at the seminar's end by a woman who was having a sexual problem of her own in her relationship.
"What am I supposed to do?" Sherry, the thirty-something woman with a colorful sundress and a big smile, asked me. "It seems like he wants it all the time, and it's never enough, no matter how often I give in."
The truth is that Sherry isn't alone. Many other women out there have husbands who want sex with great frequency, and the men sometimes use manipulative tactics to get what they want. Some men will try to make their wife feel bad, will get angry, or will even give their wife the silent treatment if they don't get what they want.
Okay, Rule # 1: Sex is voluntary. If you are in a relationship where your partner wants more sex than you are comfortable having, you have to have a sit-down chat and discuss the problem openly. State clearly how often you are comfortable having sex, and be clear that you can't be expected to have sex when it's not something that you want.
Now, having this conversation won't solve the problem completely; it simply starts the ongoing conversation you need to be having with your partner. The next thing you need to do is to either suggest seeing a couples therapist to help you, or take a trip to the bookstore and explore the self-help section for a book that will help - because there are many!
The takeaway message: Whatever you do, don't agree to sex when you're not feeling it. You deserve better than to throw yourself under the bus that way, stifling your feelings in order to please a man.