Why Saying "Sorry" Is So Important In Relationships

In any type of relationship, there comes the occasional need to apologize for something you’ve said or done.

Some people have great difficulty saying “I’m sorry.” For these individuals, having to apologize is a symbol of losing and surrendering. Of course, that is what a healthy relationship is all about – being able to be vulnerable. Nevertheless, people who need to learn how to say “sorry” are aware that this is one of their problems – they have likely been told this by people close to them over a period of many years.

While some men and women have a problem in not apologizing when they should, others have a problem with the way they apologize. These people say “sorry” and don’t really mean it or haven’t really taken inventory of why the other person is upset. At times, someone will apologize to you and say “sorry” as quickly and flippantly as if they were ordering a soda at restaurant – “Yeah, I’ll have diet.”

The next time someone is upset by something you’ve said or done, make an effort to apologize. At the same time, make an effort to say it meaningfully. Rather than utter the word “sorry” as if it is simply a sterile vocabulary word, go a step further and say why you’re sorry. Sometimes taking this extra step can make all the difference in the world.

Woody Allen Says Love is Suffering

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness."
Woody Allen

I found this interesting quote on the website www.affirmations-for-success.com. My question to you: Do you believe it’s true that love involves suffering?

It seems difficult to take relationship advice from someone with the checkered past that Woody Allen comes with, but his past does not necessarily preclude potential wisdom. After all, perhaps he has learned something from some of his own life circumstances, including the long-term love affair he has had with the adopted daughter of his former life partner, Mia Farrow. Then again, perhaps his circumstances are so unusual that they are not worth going into in depth here, because how much could you or I truly relate to him?

What we can take away from it is the question about whether love involves suffering. I like the quote, in part, because it’s not overly idealistic about relationships. It’s my belief that two lovers share complex emotions – some good, some not so good. Think for a moment about someone you love or have loved. Did you ever suffer in this relationship? Odds are that the relationship involves or had involved a period of emotional pain. Why? The people we invest in the most are the ones who can hurt us most deeply. In the end, we must all acknowledge just how complex and fragile love can be.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

A Reader Asks…

A blog reader (and journalism student) contacted me about my thoughts regarding online dating. I thought that her questions were great and might be of interest to other readers.

Q. Why are more and more people joining online dating sites like match.com or e-harmony?

A. More people are using online dating sites to connect with others because it fits the modern lifestyle. People are very busy and have limited time to socialize. Online dating sites help streamline the process.

Q. What would you say are the risks involved with finding love online?

A. Finding love online is much like finding love IRL. However, it is easier to misrepresent yourself in an online dating profile than in person. An online dating profile is essentially an advertisement and crafted to portray the dater in the best possible light. By its very nature it cannot be a complete and total representation of a person. Also, online communication (email, iChat, etc.) eliminates essential communication such as body language, tone of voice, and eye contact. These metacommunications are important signals.

Q. In your opinion is this phenomenon healthy? Why or why not?

A. I feel that dating is healthy and anything that connects like-minded people can't be bad. I think that people should use caution when dating--whether online or IRL. It takes time to truly know another person. You certainly need to experience someone IRL and over a period of time to get a sense of their true intentions.

Q. Why do you think that people still feel like it is taboo to meet someone off the Internet?

A. I think that Internet dating is becoming less and less taboo as it becomes more main stream. In the past, dating services and "looking for love" advertisements had a rather negative connotation. Some people may feel these methods smacked of desperation. As online dating becomes more commonplace and familiar, those old stereotypes are changing.

Q. What would you tell one of your readers if they were thinking of joining an online dating service?

A. I would tell them to try it! Online dating can be a fun and positive experience. Of course it is important to use commonsense when meeting strangers online or IRL. It is wise to proceed with caution in any endeavor as important as looking for love.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Couples Retreat

Spring has FINALLY (unofficially) arrived in the Northeast! The (relatively) balmy weather of the past few days reminded me of the relaxation and effortless fun of warm weather. My clients with children have just begun to mention their plans for the summer months—camp, family vacations, beach and pool outings. Children need structure, so it is great to start thinking early about educational and fun activities to keep them busy once school ends. Summer is a great time for family bonding too, since time-off means that everyone can spend time together.

But let’s not forget that mommies and daddies sometimes need to take a few days for themselves and their relationship! Many of my clients, who are parents, seem to feel guilty about planning a couple’s vacation and leaving the kids at home. Don’t feel guilty! Spending quality time with your spouse will actually make you a better parent. Time away from the kids will reinforce the importance of your romantic relationship and strengthen the parental unit.

Consider planning a brief weekend trip with your partner that incorporates activities that you both enjoy. Getting away from familiar surrounding can renew your romantic and sexual spark and add excitement to your relationship. If you can’t afford a full-fledged vacation, then plan a weekly “date night” where you take a few hours to recharge your love.

Couples Therapy: The Ultimate Myth

Recently I was on a plane and had a conversation with the woman beside me whose interest was piqued when she heard that I was a clinical psychologist. She continued to tell me about a best friend who recently began couples therapy, and stated that she was certain that couples therapy was “the beginning of the end” for this couple.

Simply put, this statement marks a myth - perhaps the greatest - about couples therapy. The sad truth is that this myth is the very obstacle that keeps so many struggling couples from getting help. My stance on couples therapy never waivers: regardless of whether you break up or stay together, couples therapy will improve your relationship.

But wait – I can hear shouts from cyberspace. “How can you have an improved relationship if you’ve broken up?” you might ask. The reality is that we are often inclined to view relationships in black and white because accepting the complexities can be more difficult and uncomfortable. However, breaking up is not the end of the world. In fact, if you focus on understanding your partner better, perhaps when you break up, you can take a friendship with you.

If you are in a relationship, don’t fret that couples therapy is a sign that you’re turning down the wrong road. I always say that, in a long-term relationship, there may be a few different periods where you go in for a relationship tune-up. If you’re still not convinced, start asking around whether people you know have ever tried couples therapy. I guarantee you that there are a few success stories that will surprise you!

Ultimately, if couples therapy really helps, you’ll probably stay together. If it only helps to remind you of your differences and to shine a light on the fact that you’re not the best match for each other, perhaps you can end the relationship less bitterly and can, perhaps, salvage the remnants of the friendship that hopefully lies at the base of your romantic relationship.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

When Should Couples Seek Therapy?

Every romantic relationship has its ups and downs, but when should you pick up the phone and start dialing marriage therapists? The answer will vary for every couple, but here are a few questions that will help you to determine if your relationship needs special attention.

1. Are your essential romantic needs are being met? These needs may be emotional, sexual, etc...

2. Do you feel that the two of you have communication problems? Effective communication is a common challenge for couples. Strong communication is a hallmark of a healthy relationship.

3. Are dysfunctional patterns straining your relationship? Does the same argument seems to crop up time and time again?, Or is there a long-standing problem never seems to be resolved?

4. Does your relationship cause more stress than comfort? Relationships are supposed to enrich our lives, not consistently strain them to the breaking point.

5. Do you simply want to strengthen the relationship? Couples therapy doesn't have to be triage! In fact, some of the best and most productive work is done when couples seek help before a crisis. Therapists can couples with everything from expressing anger more effectively to appreciating the best qualities of your partner.

6. Do you want to end the relationship? The goal of couples therapy is not necessarily to keep the couple together at all costs. Some couples seek therapy when they know the end is near but want to break-up as gracefully as possible. Of course you don't want to ambush your partner with a planned break-up session, but a therapist can help both of you through the end phase of a relationship.

Answering "yes" to any one of these questions indicates that your relationship could benefit from a some therapeutic TLC. Think about your particular situation and what would be the goal of the therapy. Also, remember that some insurance plans will cover this type of behavioral health treatment.

Couples therapy is a great investment in the future of your relationship!

Lying: How You Should Feel After You Do It

One of the hallmarks of a good sociopath – someone who suffers from Antisocial Personality Disorder – is frequent lies that help the sociopath to achieve his goals. However, everyone is guilty of telling a lie here and there without crossing over into Hannibal Lector territory.

First of all, think back to the last time you told a lie. Got it? If it’s a little tricky to pull up, let me help you. Think about all the people you see most frequently in your life – your partner, your boss, co-worker, and friends. My guess is that at least one of them has been on the receiving on end some sort of lie in the past few months.

Some people lie about simple things – and we call these “white” lies to make them seem a little more innocent. However, others lie about bigger things. Here is the point: When you lie about something big, the healthy response is to feel guilt because you know what you’ve done is wrong.

The next time a lie flies out of your mouth, check your reaction afterward. Hopefully you will feel some level of guilt, and this guilt will steer you toward truth in a similar situation in the future.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

On My Kindle…


Naturally Thin
Unleash Your SkinnyGirl
and Free Yourself From a Lifetime of Dieting
By Bethenny Frankel

You may recognize the author, Bethenny Frankel, as one of the housewives from The Real Housewives of New York on Bravo TV. (I admit that I watch the show). I purchased Naturally Thin on a whim and was pleasantly surprised to discover that it isn’t so much a dieting tome as a self-help guide for tuning-in to your emotional and physical needs.

Bethenny’s book appeals to me because her advice is wise and measured, and the revelations about her personal struggles with food are genuine and touching. The book’s approach to healthy eating is not about restriction or unsustainable diet plans (Yeah!). Bethenny focuses on the emotional reasons that drive all of us to overeat at times and offers a very practical approach to maintaining a slender figure.

I definitely get the sense from reading the book that this is a person who has invested significant time and energy into understanding herself. This author clearly practices what she preaches.