Dr. Seth Meyers, Clinical Psychologist

Dr. Seth Meyers, Clinical Psychologist

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Dating: The New Informational Interview

Hands down, the most effective way to conceptualize dating is to view it as informational interviewing. Don’t confuse this with testing your date - resorting to psychological manipulations to figure out who he or she really is. However, an informational interview is innocent enough – you need to find out certain things about a person and you accomplish this by asking honest questions.

The important point about dating as informational interviewing is that it keeps the focus on you – what are you looking for a in a partner? Is this the right person for you? Is this going to be a good match?

Too often dating triggers insecurities, causing men and women to fall into the position of wanting to be wanted or liked. The reality: who cares? If so-and-so isn’t into you, why does it matter? It’s only going to work out if the two of you both like each other, so…next!

Dating as informational interviewing acknowledges that you can’t presume anything about a person – you need to get to know a person to figure out who he or she is. Dating in this manner allows you to ask questions that are important to you, but you must take careful notice of the answers. Feel a red flag lurking in the distance? Don’t overlook it just because you’re sexually attracted!

The second point is that dating as informational interviewing is necessary but not sufficient for you to get a true sense of the person you’re dating. The other half of the equation comes down to their behavior –does their walk match their talk? If he says he’s organized and sensitive, does he arrive on time and listen to you talk about your day? If she says she’s ambitious, that’s great – but is she actively working toward some sort of career goal?

Finally, relax and allow your date to interview you, too. When you answer, tell the truth about your life and who you are. Though you may fudge a little bit in the truth department in week one or two, your date is going to start to see the real you sooner or later. And that’s a good thing, right?

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