Somebody Else
Hands down, the existence of someone
else is the number one reason why a person may not call or reach out
to you after a good date. Who is it, you wonder? It depends. Sometimes the
vanisher is currently interested in and talking to someone else; other times,
the relationship or fling has ended but your guy or girl is still hung up.
Though there may not be an active relationship, the vanisher may still have
tender feelings for that individual and may not be ready to give up the ghost
and start another relationship with someone new.
Embarrassment or Insecurity
The second reason people don’t call
back after a good date is far less self-explanatory. My client, Sam, provides
an excellent example of this type of vanisher. Sam is in his early 30s and is
looking for a serious girlfriend. The problem? Sam recently moved to a new city
and felt forced to take a job that he feels is beneath him. In short, Sam wants
to wait to start dating someone seriously until he moves into a better job, one
that comes with the status and salary with which he feels comfortable. As his
therapist, you can imagine that this sends an arrow straight through my little
therapist heart.
“Sam!” I urge. “You’re such a great
guy that you shouldn’t worry about what any woman will think of your job or
your income.” He counters: “But if I’m with someone, I want to be able to
really take her out, and I don’t want to worry about paying for things with a
credit card because I don’t have the money now.” In other words, Sam has
decided that he will not ‘embarrass’ himself by dating anyone until his career
is where he wants it to be. Trust me: Unless you were his therapist, you would
never in a million years know why he never called the last girl back. But I’ll
bet you my four-year-old daughter that his poor date felt confused and upset
when he vanished. (Okay, Child Protective Services is advising against the
bet.)
My client Sam is only one example of
the role embarrassment (about one’s life circumstances) can play in not
following through after a good date. I’ve worked with other clients who have
vanished — again, despite genuine interest – because of a recent DUI,
unemployment, a disturbed ex who won’t leave the picture, or a medical issue.
The key is to remember that there are countless challenges that can interfere
with one’s ability to start a relationship. Understanding that the vanisher may
not have called back because of humiliation or embarrassment – unfounded
or not – serves as an important reminder: It’s not always about you, so
ease up on yourself!
Impulsive Or Obsessive Personality
Style
The third major reason why someone
vanishes after a good date has to do with the way he or she makes romantic
decisions. While emotionally healthy men and women approach a new relationship
with a mix of excitement and caution, vanishers experience a flurry of mental
activity after a good date that overwhelms them and ultimately blocks their
ability – or willingness – to continue dating. The way they cope is
to simply avoid that person altogether.
Men and women who are impulsive
frequently vanish. These vanishers often dive into a conversation with a new
date and feel certain that the new person is The One. During the date, they may
start making plans for the future, talk as if the two have known each other
forever, or show expressions of physical affection that would convince anyone
that this person is interested. The problem with impulsive people, however, is
that they often make decisions on impulse and reality hits them in the face
when the date ends. Rather than continue dating, impulsive vanishers are often
like little kids with a case of grown-up ADHD. They get distracted by other
things, people, and tasks and don’t stop to arrange another date.
In addition, men and women who are
obsessive also frequently have a good date but then disappear. These vanishers
mentally dissect the entire date and themselves to the point that they start
focusing on fears and ‘what ifs’ instead of doing what they should be doing:
taking it easy and having fun! The obsessor usually is his or her own worst
enemy, and these conflicted individuals sabotage their own love lives time and
time again.
The takeaway: Whatever the reason
may be for anyone who vanishes after a good date, the recipient of such
behavior should not take things personally. Try using the following mantra to
protect yourself from frustration: Dating is risky business; if you can’t take
the risk, don’t take the date.
No comments:
Post a Comment