Is It Okay for Britney Spears's Ex-Husband Kevin Federline to Divulge Private Details in His Book?

The public may have a strong reaction to some of the details shared by Kevin Federline in his new book in which he discloses very private details about ex-wife Britney Spears. This book actually provides a good foundation for people to ask themselves a very basic question: Is it okay to talk badly about your ex in public? 

As a psychologist, I share commentary on this topic on my YouTube channel in a longer video, but you can see a clip below.

Keven Federline's Memoir Book Review: Talking About Private Details About Britney Spears & The Issue of Talking Badly About Your Ex Publicly

Kevin Federline, ex-husband of singer and entertainer Britney Spears, has a new memoir and media outlets have already begun reporting on some of the very private details he shares about the singer.

The issue that's worth thinking about is whether it's okay to divulge extremely personal and private details about an ex in public after the relationship has ended. What's more, I've heard many people share that what is so upsetting about Spears's ex writing the book is that he likely wrote if for financial profit.

Watch my new video where I discuss this issue, as I do with all the issues I discuss on my YouTube channel, from a psychological perspective.

What to Do with Your Nervous Energy: Tips for Coping and Controlling It in Good Ways

 People refer to a particular feeling they sometimes have as “nervous energy.” As you probably know, this term is not a true clinical term. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition no such disorder appears. What individuals refer to as nervous energy is clinically known as having elevated or anxious mood. With elevated mood, the individual often feels hyperactive and is propelled to action; with anxious mood, the individual feels nervous, edgy, or uncomfortable.

If your mood is elevated or anxious, there are behaviors you can engage in to feel more relaxed and to feel more emotionally balanced. (What we think of as "emotional balance" is known clinically as emotional regulation, the state in which we feel we have good control over our emotional responses to stimuli. We feel balanced or "in sync.") Try one or all of the behaviors listed below the next time you feel elevated, anxious, or dysregulated. Many of these behaviors have been researched, and I also include a few behaviors that anecdotally have helped previous patients of mine.

1. Do a five-minute bonus self-hygiene routine.

Taking five minutes to practice a few self-hygiene behaviors is an effective activity to reduce anxiety or elevated mood because such behaviors require mental focus, and focusing on something helps to distract from any thoughts or feelings that were previously causing stress or anxiety. In addition, these behaviors are purely solitary, reminding you that you are mentally organized and have the capacity to take good care of yourself, even when stressed or uncomfortable.

Why not use this extra energy to brush and floss your teeth, wash your face with a washcloth, clean your ears, apply moisturizer, and trim your nails? Instead of allowing your nervous energy to waste your time or cause you to wallow in your dysregulated emotional state, use the time to take care of yourself and to complete hygiene tasks now so you don’t have to do them later.

2. Go through your email account and clear out unnecessary emails.

This is one of those annoying activities many people avoid. The next time you have nervous energy, open your email account and clear out your inbox of unnecessary items. Create a new folder or two to keep emails organized. The next time you open your inbox, you will feel more relaxed.

3. Engage in some type of physical activity, even if just for a few minutes.

The benefits of exercise are indisputable. The effectiveness of traditional cardiovascular exercise in reducing stress and anxiety is well documented. Go for a run, swim, dance in your living room, box, or take a cardio class. You can do many cardiovascular exercises in your own home. You can find online yoga classes ranging from just a few minutes to hours.

4. Try a meditation exercise where you have to do (almost) nothing.

Recent research shows that a particular meditation technique is effective in reducing stress. The U.S. Army Research Laboratory (2018) found that a type of meditation (Yoga Nidra, in which the individual lies in corpse pose) can significantly reduce stress. 

5. Try coloring in an adult coloring book or color free-form.

The popularity of adult coloring books raises the question of why adult coloring books were not used to the same extent a decade or two ago. Nevertheless, research (Mantzios & Giannou, 2018) has found that adults engaging in a coloring activity (specifically, coloring mandalas, geometric figures representing the universe in Hindu and Buddhist symbolism) decreased both state anxiety and trait anxiety in just 30 minutes.

Given the research findings, you may want to purchase such an adult coloring book and try this activity when you have uncomfortable nervous energy. But if you don't have those resources on hand, take some blank paper and draw or color whatever comes to mind. 

6. Write a helpful behavior menu for anxious or elevated mood moments.

This tip sounds silly or trivial, but the truth is that people often don’t stop to consider all their behavioral choices when they are preoccupied. In other words, you probably know logically that any of these tips can be helpful and effective, but you will be more apt to use one or two if you can select from a list in the moment, as if reviewing items on a food menu when you go out for dinner.

You should review your list when you have elevated or anxious mood, and ask yourself, "Which of these do I feel like trying at this moment?" You may surprise yourself how much more likely you are to try something healthy or good for you when you use this “menu” approach.

The ultimate point

The next time you feel anxious, stressed, or have a little too much energy, channel that energy into activities that will relax or focus you, or that are productive. Too often, we waste time when we are in this state; we feel uncomfortable and simply wait for the "nervous energy" to pass. Instead, reframe the experience to use the time wisely, either to relax or to check items off your to-do list, which will give you a satisfying sense of organization right away.

References:

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.

Mantzios, M., & Giannou, K. (2018). When Did Coloring Books Become Mindful? Exploring the Effectiveness of a Novel Method of Mindfulness-Guided Instructions for Coloring Books to Increase Mindfulness and Decrease Anxiety. Frontiers in psychology, 9, 56. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00056

U.S. Army Research Laboratory. (2018, June 21). Changes in stress after meditation. ScienceDaily. Retrieved January 5, 2019 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/06/180621111955.htm

It's Disrespectful and Inaccurate to Say Some People "Love" Drama in Their Relationships

I hear people in everyday conversations often say that certain people in their life "love" to create drama in their life and their relationships, but I do not believe this is true psychologically.

People who tend to have chaotic, dramatic relationships with lots of ups and downs act this way because it is what they are used to -- not because they "like" it. And if you understood better what many of those individuals' early lives were like, you might come to see that they are simply reenacting patterns they learned early on.

In my new video on my YouTube channel, Dr. Seth: Psychologist, I discuss this and you can watch it here!

Are Some People Addicted to Drama in Their Relationships and Personal Lives?

I've heard it said many times that so-and-so "loves drama" in their personal life. As a clinical psychologist for over 20 years, I do not believe this is true. I do not believe that people love or even like drama because the "drama" usually includes lows that come with depressed, anxious or even desperate feelings. 

In my new video from my YouTube channel, Dr. Seth: Psychologist, I discuss this issue. Check it out below!

Dating Problem: Have You Been on a Date Where You Ask the Other Person Questions About Themself But They Don't Reciprocate?

If you have ever been in this dating situation, it can feel confusing at first, and then later you can realize you actually feel frustrated or even angry. Why wouldn't the other person ask you questions about yourself after you've been asking them questions and showing curiosity to try to get to know them?

It's not a great sign when this happens -- but it's not necessarily a deal breaker. I do recommend bringing this issue up in my new video below and I explain one way some people choose to address the issue in a direct but gentle way!

Check out my new video below!