How to Reignite Your Attraction to Your Partner: 6 Ways

Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast

Perhaps no song better describes the feeling many couples have when the passion and sexual desire is gone than the Bob Dylan lyric from "It Ain’t Me Babe": "There’s nothing in here moving…"

That’s how many men and women come to feel in a long-term relationship—as if the chemistry that once tied the two together feels dead and lifeless. Can you get the passion back when it feels as if it has totally died?

The answer, for the most part, is yes.

To begin, how frequently do happy couples have sex? According to Muise (2015), more frequent sex is associated with more happiness, but having sex more than once a week wasn't associated with even greater happiness. In other words, a good goal for a long-term couple is to have sex once per week. I recall a woman in a long-term marriage who confided that she and her husband no longer have a sexual relationship. “I want to feel wanted by someone,” she said, stating what countless others feel after years with the same partner. The kind of passion that comes from a new relationship is usually not found again in a couple that has been together for many years. The excitement (and lust) of a new relationship is fortified by the mystery inherent in discovering someone new and exploring each other’s minds, bodies, and emotional landscapes. Once you have been with someone for many years, you already know that person well and there is far less to discover—and to pique excitement—than when you were each a blank slate.

Although you may never experience a resuscitation of the kind of excitement you had in the beginning, you can feel passion and lust again. Following are six questions to ask yourself, and related strategies you can use to get emotionally and physically connected to your partner again.

1. How much time do you spend together?

If you already spend most of your free time together, a little space can help make the time you spend together a little more exciting. Join a club or social group, or start an extracurricular activity that will give you something to look forward to and improve your mood. When you make your own life more exciting, you will find that you are better able to reconnect with your spouse during the time you spend together. On the other hand, if you don’t spend a lot of quality time with your spouse, then make an effort to have more time together. Have a date night a couple of times per month and plan a special activity together—a weekend trip, a special dinner, etc. For couples that don’t see each other often, more quality time together is one of the surest ways to get emotionally connected again. The key, of course, is to focus on getting emotionally connected; the sexual and passionate feelings only flow from that source.

2. Why haven’t you tried couples therapy?

The vast majority of couples who feel a lack of passion have not sought help from a professional. Most people think that going to couples therapy means opening up a Pandora’s box and then enduring a year or two of grueling therapy to deal with the issues that arise. Instead of approaching the concept of asking for help in such an all-or-nothing way, tell yourself that the two of you could go for just a few sessions to get some feedback or helpful ideas. If you choose to go for more sessions, that’s your choice; if you decide you just want a brief tune-up, that’s OK, too. But you might be surprised to find that just two or three sessions of couples therapy can kick-start a change in your relationship.

3. What romantic activities have you engaged in recently?

Sometimes the most basic ideas are the most meaningful and true. If you want to feel more romantic with your spouse, here’s a crazy idea: Do things that are romantic in nature. Go to dinner at a romantic restaurant, take walks after dinner on a nice evening, or light a fire in the fireplace and play soothing music. Other options include writing occasional notes and leaving them for your spouse, bringing a small or large gift home after work, and setting up a homemade meal or a bath with candles. None of these efforts on their own will instantly change the tone of your overall relationship, sticking with such practices on a regular basis can slowly bring the two of you closer together.

4. Do you have some turn-ons you want to introduce or reintroduce?

For some men and women, the idea of costume and role play in the bedroom is exciting, but it's not for everyone. Have you ever tried exploring with sex toys or special outfits in the bedroom? If you haven’t, you may want to try it. One key to restoring passion in a relationship is to make things fresh again and trying new things could help. If you already use accessories, or have tried them in the past and didn’t like them, some of the other behaviors listed here could help. (If you find that nothing helps to increase the passion, what you might really need is feedback from a professional who can help you figure out what’s really missing in your relationship.)

5. Have you taken inventory of what you appreciate about your spouse? 

Some people benefit from writing in a journal about how they feel about their relationship and their partner. If you are open to this, write a gratitude list once a week in which you note the qualities that you like and appreciate in your partner. Also, list the behaviors your spouse engages in that you appreciate. If you aren’t likely to pull out a leather-bound journal from your nightstand and document your private thoughts, don't worry: Simply spend some time each week thinking about the things you value in your spouse. Whether you’re driving, doing laundry, or making dinner, take a few minutes and be disciplined about remembering what you like about your partner.

6. How frequently do you compliment your partner, or express what you appreciate in him or her?

Most of us don’t work hard enough to regularly convey to our partner how and why we love them. You may say “I love you” every day, but what else do you do to single your spouse out and make him or her feel special and wanted? For example, how many compliments do you think you gave your spouse last week? If you want to get emotionally and sexually connected again, compliment and appreciate your partner more each day. You will see that these efforts have a reflexive effect; your spouse will start doing the same for you.

Ultimately, there is no simple trick to rekindle the passion and get emotionally connected again in a long-term relationship. It requires work on your part, and you must try multiple avenues, all of which will lead to a more positive and connected couple.

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Resource:

Amy Muise et al. Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, November 2015 DOI: 10.1177/1948550615616462

Anxiety Alert: Stop Obsessing or Fixating With a Fast Cognitive Technique

Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast

Mindfulness is the psychological process of bringing one's attention to the internal and external experiences occurring in the present moment (Baer, 2003). Subtracting the psychological jargon, mindfulness refers to clearing your head and focusing on how your mind and body feel in the moment.

While I sometimes feel mixed about the term "mindfulness" because it sounds like jargon and doesn’t sufficiently explain what it is, research has shown that mindfulness is nevertheless effective. Specifically, mindfulness techniques can be very effective in helping people cope with a wide range of issues and disorders. For example, mindful meditation groups have been associated with significant improvements in mood (Massachusetts General Hospital, 2011) and group mindfulness treatment was found to be as effective as individual cognitive-behavioral therapy in patients with depression and anxiety (Lund University, 2014).

How exactly can mindful techniques help you and your mood? In particular, how can a mindful technique get you out of a bad mood, help you resist an addiction trigger, or stave off an anxiety attack? In my clinical work with men and women, I have found that one technique works well in helping clients to stop fixating and start focusing on something else. By stopping the fixation, one’s mood can quickly improve. I use the technique I will review in a moment with addicts who feel overwhelmed by a craving; individuals on the verge of a panic attack; individuals who are ruminators or who have a bad temper; and individuals who tend to obsess or ruminate.

The first step when you get overwhelmed is to recognize that you are officially upset or fixating on something negative. Once you label the problem, use this technique which involves asking yourself a series of questions and then answering them. The technique is simple and quick, requiring only a minute or two of your time.

Wherever you are, ask yourself the following questions:

• If I had to guess, what is the exact temperature now (inside or outside, depending on where you are)?
• What is my body temperature like now? Do I feel a little cold, a little warm, or perfectly comfortable?
• If I don’t make any noise, can I identify every single sound that I hear?
• Outside, what is in the sky? Are there clouds? How would I describe what I see in the sky?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how hungry am I?
• If I could choose to eat any dish right, what would I choose?

Very quickly, I’m sure, you got the idea. The value of this exercise is to distract your mind from any upsetting thoughts and feelings you are stuck in and to redirect your thinking to specific, tangible questions by using your senses. This technique works with kids and adults, and you can repeat the exercise later if you need it.

The exercise above is just one of the many behaviors that you can use to improve your mood when you feel anxious, angry, or upset. I've found that clients love this exercise because it is incredibly easy to do; it's not time-intensive; you don’t need paper, pens, or anything else to do it; and you can create your own distraction questions based on your personality. My 8-year-old daughter, for example, would be sure to include on her list: How many pink unicorns are flying across the sun? Remember that this technique can be adapted in any way that you want. By trial and error, you will find the precise technique that works for you so that you can feel better and stay focused throughout the day.

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Resource:

Baer R A.  Mindfulness training as a clinical intervention: a conceptual and empirical review. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice 2003; 10(2): 125-143.

Massachusetts General Hospital. (2011, January 21). Mindfulness meditation training changes brain structure in eight weeks. ScienceDaily. Retrieved December 8, 2016 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/01/110121144007.htm.

Lund University. (2014, November 27). Mindfulness treatment as effective as CBT for depression, anxiety. ScienceDaily. Retrieved December 8, 2016 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/11/141127112755.htm

The Root of Overprotective Parenting: Is It the Codependency of the Parents?

Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast

A conversation with a psychotherapist colleague of mine caused me to think about parenting in a new light. Specifically, we were talking about sleepaway camp for kids. My colleague shared that she would be too nervous to allow her school-age sons to go to sleepaway camp for fear that “something might happen.” After asking a few follow-up questions, what came to light was her fear that, if she were to allow her boys to attend a week or even a weekend sleepaway camp, her boys might get sexually abused during their time away. As a parent myself, such a possibility occasionally crosses my mind. You never know what could happen during the school day, an afternoon extracurricular activity, or even at a friend’s house for a play date. What’s interesting is that it is the least expected situations that have triggered this fear in me with my kids.

In all the time that I’ve kids, there is only one situation I saw my child in that raised this mercurial, hard-to-pinpoint instinct that a sexual predator may be present. At a party not long ago, a watched an acquaintance on the periphery of my social circle interact with my son as they sat on the couch. There was no inappropriate touching or slipping away to a private area; it was just the way I saw this man interact with my son in a playful way that felt sinister to me as I watched from across the room. Of course, I walked over and sat next to my son, and then made up a silly excuse – “Let’s go get a drink, hon” – to remove him from the situation. Was I overreacting? There is always the possibility that we aren’t being entirely rational or objective when it comes to the way we look out for our children. Primitive drives kick in whenever we sense that there could be potential danger for our child, and it’s very likely that there is actually no true cause for concern 99 percent of the time. With the case involving my son, the man I referred to may be perfectly innocent and I may have been incorrect in my perception. At the same time, I can assure you that I would never in a million years allow that man to be alone with my child. (Fortunately, due to a romantic relationship ending, he is no longer in my social circle so managing my distrust in the future will not be an issue.)

My point is that it is natural and healthy for parents to worry about potential dangers their children could incur. Of course, a child could be vulnerable to a sexual predator or other abuses when away at, say, sleepaway camp, but to not send your child to sleepaway camp due to this fear alone is more about a parent's own anxieties, insecurities and paranoia than about merely protecting the child. 

When does worrying reflect something deeper in the parent? When does protecting or looking out for your child actually become pathological or even harmful to the child? In essence, when is “worrying” about your child or protecting them actually a convenient scapegoat for your own psychological issues that you are putting on your child?

My colleague sharing that she would not allow her sons to go to sleepaway camp got me thinking about the larger issue. What my colleague called “protecting” her sons actually is its own version of a parenting approach that is sheltering, overprotective, or even helicopter-like. In reflecting on this issue, I thought about many clients I’ve worked with over the years who are similarly overprotective. In the broader context, if you are a parent who overprotects your child, you are going to spend more time with your child, or they will be with you (at home, etc.) more than they would if you allowed them more independence out of the home. Although I have studied psychology for 25 years now, the following thought never occurred to me before: Are overprotective parents actually codependent men and women? Are these parents actually too emotionally dependent on their children, needing them close because they don’t like separation? In other words, while Parent A says “I’m overprotective because there are so many dangerous people out there,” is the real truth that they actually have their own emotional issues with separation or abandonment? Is it that parents who are overprotective and don’t give their children more freedom actually just want their kids close because they don’t like being alone? 

I'm suggesting that a portion of parents who are overprotective parents - some, but not all - actually are people who are somewhat dependent personalities and feel anxious when someone they love - husband, wife, child, etc. - goes away, whether for a few hours or a few days. For these parents who have their own insecurities and anxieties around separations and individuation, the extra caution and preoccupation with the kids going out on their own is a psychological scapegoat. Put bluntly, it may be your issue, and you would be a good parent to acknowledge and deal with it.

For those men and women who are bona fide overprotective parents (especially once the child is 9- or 10-plus), my suggestion is not intended as judgmental. Instead, I think people who have a particular emotional issue have that issue for a reason. If you are a really overprotective parent, overall I have found that this is a so-called good problem to have. The point: You are so involved and present in your kid's life, and you care so much about your kid that you may be a little bit too smothering or sheltering at times. In perspective, your intentions with your child are intensely loving and protective. At the same time, you are probably like any parent who would be wise to always be working on some behavior you do with your child that might not be the most loving or helpful. (My issue is losing my patience with my young kids, and I have to really try to remember to keep it under control when something triggers my frustration.)

The issue about the root of overprotective parenting - is it that these are actually simply codependent personalities ? - is not one that can be answered with surety. Can you imagine trying to research this issue? Would parents be truly honest if they were answering questions about their overprotectiveness in a questionnaire or in an interview for a research study? Moreover, if a particular drive is unconscious, how could the parents even be aware of what’s really motivating their overprotectiveness?

The true best interests of a child

Parenting is so complex and challenging because there is nothing uniform about it. Every child is different, and the same goes for each parent. There is no true “right” answer about how to be the best parent possible. My years of clinical experience have merely taught me that the most effective parenting requires a delicate balance between being protective and encouraging independence. My hope for all families is that the children in those families feel loved and provided with a stable environment, and that those children also are given a space to explore and individuate somewhat from their parents. Finally, it is crucial that all parents - regardless of their own histories, issues with separation or codependence and so forth - recognize that some level of independence granted to the child will help them grow and evolve.

Think about how much you encourage independence, and even talk with your child about the following questions: "Do you feel like I let you do some of the activities you really want to do? Are there some things I have said "no" to that you still really wish you could do?" The more you make your child feel included and listened to, the more successful and close relationship you will have with that child when the child is older.

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Relationship Alert: What Happens to Relationships When You Stop Saying Sorry to Each Other?

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast

Relationships and love can be delicate. When members of a couple hurt each other emotionally but stop making a point to apologize to each other, the relationship can be at serious risk. Check out Dr. Seth's video on this issue!

How Often Should New Couples See Each Other When They're Dating?

Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast

Starting a new relationship brings a nearly infinite list of challenges. Some relationships make it past these hurdles while others fizzle out. As a psychologist who works with clients on relationship issues, I can share anecdotal information that one factor which ruins many relationships in the beginning is the tendency to rush things. Specifically, when many men and women meet someone they like, they see that person as frequently as possible in the first few weeks. While the drive to want to be with a new partner is understandable, real-world realities often stress such relationships and cause them to end.

The best way to protect a new relationship is to use caution, and not see each other too frequently. When you encounter a new potential friend, for example, you probably don't rush to see that friend several times per week after you first meet. Why should the guidelines for starting a romantic relationship be so different?

To begin, it should go without saying that there are exceptions to every rule: While some couples may find that they can spend every night together in the very beginning and make it work, this is not a formula that will result in long-term romantic success for most. There is no definitively "right" way to start a relationship, but using caution is an approach that typically yields better results. Here's why seeing each other too frequently can prevent a relationship from lasting:

Sex or physical interaction intensifies emotions. The main reason couples shouldn't spend too much time together too soon is that seeing each other frequently increases the wish and tendency to be physically and sexually intimate. There is nothing wrong or unhealthy with physical or sexual intimacy, but it should be practiced within a predictable, trusting environment. If you have sex with someone very soon after meeting, for example, the physiological reactions in your body often cause you to feel intense emotional reactions, too. But if you don't really know the person eliciting those intense emotional reactions, you may put yourself at risk. If the person is kind and good and wants the same things as you, there is no problem; if the person doesn't have the same relationship goals as you, you may end up feeling lonely and betrayed.

You force emotional intimacy with someone you hardly know.  When you meet someone you like and feel attracted to, it is normal to want to see that person all the time. But, of course, simply wanting something does not necessarily mean that it is good for you. If you meet someone you like and spend several nights together in the first week or spend multiple hours with them over the course of several days, you can start to feel a sense of intense emotional closeness. But when you stop to think about it, does it make sense to feel so emotionally close to someone you've just met? The problem with this dynamic is that seeing each other too frequently at the very beginning forges an illusion of intimacy and dependence, even though each person does know that it takes months — or even years — to truly get to know someone.

Use caution in the beginning if you want a relationship to last. To those who believe new lovers should throw caution to the wind and let things flow organically, I would respond by saying that two people who are meant to be together will end up together, regardless of whether they see each other once a week or five times a week.

To be safe, couples would serve themselves well to see each other once a week for the first month, and then increase the frequency after that point. Most importantly, men and women should not feel anxious or rushed while forging a new relationship. The less anxious they feel, the better chance their relationship will have.

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

When a Narcissist Gets Upset, They May Drag Your Mood Down with Them

Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast

The adage “Misery loves company” provides an apt description of what happens when a narcissist becomes unhappy, and the reasons why will be illuminated here. But understanding what a narcissist does when he is unhappy first requires a base understanding of the narcissist’s relationship with his own feelings. Though narcissism is present across genders, I’ll employ the use of the male pronoun in this post.

To begin, narcissistic personality refers to a personality disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.; DSM–5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013). At the core of narcissistic personality is a distorted sense of self, one that is oriented around an identity that is special and superior, or what clinicians refer to as grandiose. Because one can’t have a distorted view of himself and also be highly self-aware, a lack of overall self-awareness is foundational to narcissism. While the narcissists may have occasional moments of self-awareness, it’s crucial to understand that real self-awareness in the narcissist is, by definition, fleeting and superficial.

While I have addressed the roots of narcissism in previous writings, I’ll briefly explain the relationship between self-awareness, the strength of one’s ego, and feelings. When an adult has a good ego (one that is not defensively inflated), he has the psychological resources to see himself honestly, which is to acknowledge the strengths and weaknesses that define the undeniable makeup of the human being. Because the adult with a good, reasonable ego has the ability to see himself honestly but imperfectly, it means that he’s also able to acknowledge the negative mix of feelings that come with failures, flaws, disappointments, and anguish. Though he doesn’t like these experiences, he can emotionally manage them.

When circumstances in life cause someone with a healthy ego to feel negative feelings, he feels his feelings without being completely thrown by them and living in them when he’s upset. More importantly, when someone with a healthy ego feels unhappy as a result of circumstances, the circumstances never threaten his overall worth and value as a person. Notably, it’s the fact that he isn’t striving for human superiority that safeguards him against such precipitous ego falls. Of course, the higher one perches oneself, the farther one has to fall.

How narcissists cope with unhappiness

It’s helpful to think of a narcissist’s ego as a mercury thermometer, one that moves up or down based on the amount of attention and validation he gets as valuable and superior. The narcissist walks through life without a solid, internal anchor, depending instead on a precarious strategy in which moment-to-moment circumstances determine the state of how he feels about himself. Given how complex and constantly changing the emotional demands of daily life are, the narcissist’s misguided strategy—an emotional insurance policy of sorts—is concerning and faulty. If, for example, the narcissist’s ego and emotional coping strategy were headlines, any of the following would apply: “Self-Worth at Stake”; “Structure Built on Fault Zone”; or “Project Doomed to Fail.” In the case of the latter, the projects that suffer the most are relationships that can’t survive without proper emotional management.

Given how the narcissist’s self-image depends upon external events (attention and validation from others), how a narcissist acts around others when he gets unhappy can be inferred. But to be clear, a narcissist who gets unhappy:

• Is unable to manage or “hold” his unhappy feelings
• Privately feels overwhelmed, mildly panicked, or “out of gas” but can’t express that vulnerability for fear of being “kicked when down”
• Gets stuck “living in” his feelings instead of feeling them and then getting over them
• Culminates his process of coping with negative feelings by seeking out the safest person to discharge his unhappy or upset feelings onto

For the narcissist, there is no way out of emotional turmoil except to discharge their negative feelings onto someone else, and that “someone else” is usually a person inside their own home or in their work environment—but never a superior. (They play emotional chess for a living; they aren’t fools.)

When the narcissist’s ego is triggered—almost always the cause of them becoming unhappy—their feelings are too big and amorphous for them to handle or, clinically, to integrate. The narcissist is guarded and proud as a rule, but he becomes pathologically so when he starts feeling unhappy, as his unhappy feelings are ones he can’t control or master. The cycle of negativity continues, and his pent-up, unbridled negative feelings escalate to the point that he becomes like a glass bottle on the verge of an explosion. In relationships, whether personal or professional, those close to the narcissist sense the narcissist’s tension rising and are often on the receiving end of a confusing, angry, mind-bending verbal explosion. (As those close to the narcissist aren’t fools either, they’re like flight control tower technicians who know exactly what’s coming.)

As the narcissist stews and escalates, zooming in on his target to pick a fight, the pattern of behavior from an analytic perspective seems calculated or even disturbing. Is he aware of what he’s doing? Does he know that he’s actually being predatory as he picks at his target, laying the foundation of what he needs for proper discharge to feel better: a full-blown argument or, at least, seeing you as upset as he felt in the beginning? Is it that he loves a fight? Does he realize the stunning way in which he hides behind feigned logic and self-righteousness during an asinine conflict that he starts unnecessarily?

Most importantly for those he aggresses, does he actually want to hurt them? Is his motive to make his colleague at work or his partner at home feel small and angry? Is his motive to make that poor person hate his or her life in those stormy, crazy-making moments?

In answer to these questions, I’ll pose two others. Hypothetically, does a 4-year-old who has a tantrum at a local restaurant today intentionally try to ruin his parents’ meal? Was the 4-year-old’s motive to make his parents unhappy? While the narcissist we’re considering here is an adult by chronological age, it’s imperative to understand that, according to the age of emotional development, the narcissist is (counterintuitively) more similar to a child when he becomes unhappy than to a normal adult.

Key takeaways

In short, the narcissist isn’t motivated by trying to hurt those close to them; hurting them is simply an inevitable byproduct for anyone close to a person who’s trapped in an adult body but operating from a child’s level of emotional development. Secretly, the narcissist says to himself in such moments, “Well, they may feel upset after our interaction, but no one has any idea what it felt like to be me.” The narcissist ends up justifying his behavior because he tells himself that his own crosses to bear are so much worse than anyone else’s. It’s for this reason that clinicians often talk about the astonishing type of reasoning a narcissist employs in casting themselves as a victim. 

Ultimately, anyone in a close relationship with a narcissist has learned firsthand what happens when he becomes unhappy. Those individuals learned early on that when he gets unhappy, the whole house gets unhappy, too. It’s important to note that when those who were close to a narcissist finally end their working or personal relationship with him, it’s not happiness they feel, but rather relief.

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Reference:

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.