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Codependent relationships typically drain a lot of energy from the people in these relationships. This video might be helpful for you if you struggle with codependency.
Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
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In a word, keeping the peace with a narcissist is difficult.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. While one person may present a few traits, another may meet the criteria for the full-blown disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as outlined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
An inordinate number of books and articles address the core elements of this personality disorder in detail (outward grandiose sense of self, entitlement, lack of empathy and aversion to feeling emotionally vulnerable in any way). This article will focus on how to manage a relationship with a narcissist when you can’t simply leave the relationship. Whether it’s a boss, spouse, parent, or child, some relationships aren’t ones that allow a "no contact" policy. If you can gain a better understanding of what motivates the narcissist and how their personality is organized, you can save yourself a lot of frustration and anxiety.
Visual tricks to help you see narcissists for who they really are
Because the narcissist puffs up so much, trying their hardest to present to the world as strong and almost untouchable, it can be easy to believe their act. Many theorists and therapists have talked about how shame is the root of narcissism, but that has never quite resonated with my understanding of the narcissistic clients I’ve worked with over the years. Men and women who are severe narcissists are actually extremely angry individuals underneath, and most of the severe narcissists I have worked with experienced interpersonal situations when they were young where they felt victimized, humiliated, or subjugated.
Did these experiences make them feel angry or did these experiences make them feel shame? Because personality is so complex and difficult to study, we may never truly understand the exact cause. It is fair to assume, however, that the root of narcissism lies somewhere in the family of dark emotions: shame, humiliation, rejection, or deep embarrassment. Because these feelings were so strong and intense in the child who experienced them, elaborate defenses were constructed. By “elaborate,” I’m referring to wrought-iron gates and moats designed to Keep Others Out at the risk of being hurt, subjugated, or victimized again. These boys and girls unconsciously made a pact with themselves years ago: No one will ever get that close to hurt me like that again.
It’s because of these defenses — and the narcissistic adult’s attempt to overcompensate later in life by acting utterly superior — that it is very challenging to see the narcissist for who they really are in real time. How could the tyrannical boss who always acts arrogant actually be insecure? How could the successful partner in the law firm prevail in the courtroom but secretly feel terrified of being taken advantage of or put down? These people don’t act at all insecure — so how could they be?
The first visual technique
There are two different visual techniques you can use when the narcissist is either criticizing you, fighting with you, or somehow making you feel bad. To conceptualize the first technique, we will consider in a moment psychologist Erik Erikson’s stages of psychological development. First, however, it is important to review a few key characteristics of the personality.
Remember that narcissists lack empathy and regularly violate basic social rules or conventions. Norms such as fairness mean nothing to the narcissist; they don’t care about that stuff. Life is a chess game for these individuals, and almost every behavioral overture in life is issued in an attempt to gain power and to win.
By the time the average boy is a teenager, for example, he is already more mature than the adult narcissist. Narcissists are stuck, or developmentally arrested, at a much younger age. Considering Erikson’s stages, the narcissist is stuck in a stage related to the individual's sense of competence, a stage defined by what Erikson called "industry versus inferiority." Erikson theorized that children are between the ages of 6 and 12 years old when they go through this stage, and he argued that children will go on to have significant interpersonal conflicts and problems if they do not successfully internalize a sense of competence during this period. (Read: If they don't feel "good enough" by the end of this stage, they won't feel good enough later in life.)
Because narcissists in many ways are stuck in this stage that is typically associated with children between the ages of 6 and 12, try using a visual technique that corresponds with that age range. Specifically, don't visualize the narcissist as their actual adult age; visualize them between the ages of 6 and 12, which is the age range in which they may be emotionally stuck. When the narcissist is doing what they do, picture their same face — hair, facial expressions, beard on a man, or makeup on a woman — and visually superimpose that head onto the body of a child aged 6 to 12 years.
Try visualizing the adult narcissist as two feet shorter as they talk to you, because that height matches the emotional maturity level of that person. Use this technique with the narcissist in your life when they are treating you the worst. No matter how superior, unempathetic, or exploitative they may act, visually cut them down to size by picturing them two feet shorter and your anxiety level can instantly decrease.
The second visual technique
The second visual technique you can use to keep perspective when a narcissist is talking irrationally or abusively to you is much simpler. I’ve heard people talk about how narcissists live in their own world. They construct their own reality from moment to moment so they are never really accountable to anyone.
The sad reality is that narcissists live in their own trap. Sooner or later, everyone close to them who tries to have a consistent and smooth relationship comes to see the narcissist's true character. People who have to deal regularly with a severe narcissist feel emotionally drained and grow tired of the machinations and games, and most people end up leaving the narcissist.
Because narcissists live in their own reality, use a visual technique that reminds you how much they live in their own separate, distorted world. In essence, picture severe narcissists as tiny men and women who live inside a snow globe. When the narcissist is yelling at the top of his lungs at you, picture him clamoring at the tiny walls of his snow globe. When another narcissist is humiliating you, getting defensive, or making up ridiculous lies, pretend you have to strain to hear what she’s saying from behind the walls of her miniature snow globe.
Even if this trick doesn't work for you, the simple act of mentally distracting yourself in these heated moments can prevent you from emotionally engaging with the narcissist. You cannot emotionally engage with a narcissist as you would a normal person because severe narcissists are highly abnormal in their beliefs and expectations about themselves and those around them.
Calling narcissists "bad" people isn't fair or accurate.
Despite the negativity, meanness, and abusive treatment, severe narcissists aren't bad people. After all, what does such a word — or another word like “evil” — really mean? Narcissists are extremely wounded people who have a type of mental illness, a personality disorder. Like the vast majority of mental disorders, narcissism is a disorder that could potentially be treated fairly effectively, but the effective treatment we are talking about could be as extensive as psychotherapy sessions several times per week for at least a couple of years.
First, who has the time, insurance, or money for that? Second, the very essence of the disorder — defensiveness and a false self — are at complete odds with acknowledging vulnerability and seeking help, which further supports how narcissists lay their own trap.
Mourn the loss that you will never get what you want emotionally from the narcissist.
Visual techniques can help you keep the peace with a narcissist, but also keep a few reminders in mind to help you cope. The first relates to mourning the loss. Anyone in a close relationship with a narcissist has spent far more hours than they would like to admit doing the following things: trying to get them to see what they do and their effect on others, and trying to convince them that they need to change or are wrong.
To the reading audience, you have better chances of winning the lottery than you do of ever getting the narcissist to “come clean,” admit they act like a jerk, and apologize for the anguish they’ve put you through. My perspective is that severely narcissistic men and women are so angry about the way someone mistreated them, humiliated them, or subjugated them in the past that they spend the rest of their lives making everyone else pay a price for it.
The only way to keep the peace with a narcissist is to accept that you are in a relationship with someone who is very mentally ill and untreated. (If they committed to intense treatment, you may have more empathy for them). Someone who lives with a schizophrenic who isn’t treated with medication or therapy has to accept how mentally ill that person is; it is a similar predicament for anyone in close proximity to a severe narcissist who isn’t in treatment. To keep the peace as much as possible, get the bulk of your emotional needs met somewhere else. To offset the narcissist's destabilizing influence, you must invest more energy in phone calls or dinners with friends or other trusted family members.
Don’t argue with a narcissist.
Challenging the narcissist about their behavior — really holding them accountable — only fuels them and gets them more excited. Again, relationships and life overall are a game for the narcissist. The word “relate” is the root of the word “relationship,” but narcissists aren’t actually relating to anyone. They don’t want emotional intimacy because intimacy is for equals, and narcissists are so terrified of being subjugated that they could never rest if they were in a relationship with an equal.
Narcissists act the way they do — unsettling you, keeping things unpredictable, never giving you the empathy they know you are desperate for and deserve — as a means of keeping you subjugated. If you are kept down a notch and if you are subjugated, they tell themselves, you are less of a threat and will be less able to take advantage of them or make them look bad.
The most distorted part of all of this is that narcissists dreadfully miss the most crucial point: Relationships are supposed to be a place of comfort and relief, not of competition and power hierarchies. Sadly, they don't even know how much comfort a good relationship could provide them.
The final message
The notion that narcissists are so dysfunctional that anyone involved with them should come to a place of no contact is not realistic. Too many relationships — and perhaps the ones that cause us the most grief — are ones that we need to some extent. Whether it's an employer, fellow employee, family member or someone else, some people will simply need to figure out how to manage the narcissist.
Most importantly, understand that there are ways to keep peace with a severe narcissist. No, the relationship will never be a trusted one; yes, you will always have to be on guard to protect yourself. One positive way to reframe the painful experience of knowing a narcissist too well is to say that you can use these ill individuals as symbols, reminders of much we must appreciate the others in our lives who treat us well.
Ultimately, severe narcissists are draining to deal with and impossible to consistently love because of their disturbed personalities. They live their lives always looking over their shoulder or rolling up their sleeves for another fight or to prove themselves to someone or something. Typical people have no idea what life is like in the mind of a narcissist, working harder than anyone would ever imagine to keep up the façade and defenses. Behind closed doors, narcissists never have any true sense of peace.
Simply put, they don't trust others and others don't trust them. It's tragic that these personality disordered individuals add so much conflict and chaos to a world that is already so disordered and chaotic. At the same time, severely narcissistic men and women were once boys and girls who were neglected or mistreated themselves, and no children deserve to be as disliked or even hated later as adults, because they are actually victims, too.
References:
Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing. The basic in-text citation should look like this: (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
David L, "Erikson’s Stages of Development," in Learning Theories, July 23, 2014, https://www.learning-theories.com/eriksons-stages-of-development.html.
Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast
Asking 4 questions can help you to gain some perspective and clarity, and calm down when you get caught up feeling extremely angry.
Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.
Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast
People refer to a particular feeling they sometimes have as “nervous energy.” As you probably know, this term is not a true clinical term. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition no such disorder appears. What individuals refer to as nervous energy is clinically known as having elevated or anxious mood. With elevated mood, the individual often feels hyperactive and is propelled to action; with anxious mood, the individual feels nervous, edgy, or uncomfortable.
If your mood is elevated or anxious, there are behaviors you can engage in to feel more relaxed and to feel more emotionally balanced. (What we think of as "emotional balance" is known clinically as emotional regulation, the state in which we feel we have good control over our emotional responses to stimuli. We feel balanced or "in sync.") Try one or all of the behaviors listed below the next time you feel elevated, anxious, or dysregulated. Many of these behaviors have been researched, and I also include a few behaviors that anecdotally have helped previous patients of mine.
1. Do a five-minute bonus self-hygiene routine.
Taking five minutes to practice a few self-hygiene behaviors is an effective activity to reduce anxiety or elevated mood because such behaviors require mental focus, and focusing on something helps to distract from any thoughts or feelings that were previously causing stress or anxiety. In addition, these behaviors are purely solitary, reminding you that you are mentally organized and have the capacity to take good care of yourself, even when stressed or uncomfortable.
Why not use this extra energy to brush and floss your teeth, wash your face with a washcloth, clean your ears, apply moisturizer, and trim your nails? Instead of allowing your nervous energy to waste your time or cause you to wallow in your dysregulated emotional state, use the time to take care of yourself and to complete hygiene tasks now so you don’t have to do them later.
2. Go through your email account and clear out unnecessary emails.
This is one of those annoying activities many people avoid. The next time you have nervous energy, open your email account and clear out your inbox of unnecessary items. Create a new folder or two to keep emails organized. The next time you open your inbox, you will feel more relaxed.
3. Engage in some type of physical activity, even if just for a few minutes.
The benefits of exercise are indisputable. The effectiveness of traditional cardiovascular exercise in reducing stress and anxiety is well documented. Go for a run, swim, dance in your living room, box, or take a cardio class. You can do many cardiovascular exercises in your own home. You can find online yoga classes ranging from just a few minutes to hours.
4. Try a meditation exercise where you have to do (almost) nothing.
Recent research shows that a particular meditation technique is effective in reducing stress. The U.S. Army Research Laboratory (2018) found that a type of meditation (Yoga Nidra, in which the individual lies in corpse pose) can significantly reduce stress.
5. Try coloring in an adult coloring book or color free-form.
The popularity of adult coloring books raises the question of why adult coloring books were not used to the same extent a decade or two ago. Nevertheless, research (Mantzios & Giannou, 2018) has found that adults engaging in a coloring activity (specifically, coloring mandalas, geometric figures representing the universe in Hindu and Buddhist symbolism) decreased both state anxiety and trait anxiety in just 30 minutes.
Given the research findings, you may want to purchase such an adult coloring book and try this activity when you have uncomfortable nervous energy. But if you don't have those resources on hand, take some blank paper and draw or color whatever comes to mind.
6. Write a helpful behavior menu for anxious or elevated mood moments.
This tip sounds silly or trivial, but the truth is that people often don’t stop to consider all their behavioral choices when they are preoccupied. In other words, you probably know logically that any of these tips can be helpful and effective, but you will be more apt to use one or two if you can select from a list in the moment, as if reviewing items on a food menu when you go out for dinner.
You should review your list when you have elevated or anxious mood, and ask yourself, "Which of these do I feel like trying at this moment?" You may surprise yourself how much more likely you are to try something healthy or good for you when you use this “menu” approach.
The ultimate point
The next time you feel anxious, stressed, or have a little too much energy, channel that energy into activities that will relax or focus you, or that are productive. Too often, we waste time when we are in this state; we feel uncomfortable and simply wait for the "nervous energy" to pass. Instead, reframe the experience to use the time wisely, either to relax or to check items off your to-do list, which will give you a satisfying sense of organization right away.
Reference:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
Mantzios, M., & Giannou, K. (2018). When Did Coloring Books Become Mindful? Exploring the Effectiveness of a Novel Method of Mindfulness-Guided Instructions for Coloring Books to Increase Mindfulness and Decrease Anxiety. Frontiers in psychology, 9, 56. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00056
U.S. Army Research Laboratory. (2018, June 21). Changes in stress after meditation. ScienceDaily. Retrieved January 5, 2019 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/06/180621111955.htm
Passive-aggressive behavior can be very frustrating for people to be on the receiving end of. Do you have someone in your life who is passive-aggressive? Maybe someone at home or at work? Someone in your social circle? Check out my podcast episode on this topic!
Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.
Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast
Despite the proliferation of self-help books, talk shows that focus on emotional issues, and a less stigmatized conceptualization of mental illness and life problems, disclosing to others that you are divorcing remains challenging. As a psychologist who works with patients, I hear firsthand about the shame people sometimes feel when they experience a divorce. Specifically, they often feel shame when they have to tell family members, friends, and others that a divorce is imminent.
In general, I have found that shame is usually not a productive emotion. Shame rarely motivates a person to change; what typically motivates change is receiving support and empathy from others, coupled with taking responsibility for one's own actions.
What makes a person feel ashamed of admitting that they are divorcing? Part of the shame, on a common sense level, relates to the oath that many married couples take in front of family and friends: the commitment of "'til death do us part." Anyone who has had a long-term romantic relationship knows how challenging it can be to have a successful relationship, and they know what an extremely high bar it is to suggest that the two individuals who marry will stay happily together for decades. While many do accomplish that feat, others find they are unable to do so.
Another way to frame just how high the bar is for married couples is to consider the emotional demands of a close friendship. Many friendships vary in their level of closeness over the years, and a large portion of those friendships are discontinued or grow apart. Add to the challenges friendships experience the factors of cohabiting and sexual intimacy, and it is clear how difficult it can be to make a marriage work successfully over the course of a lifetime.
The caveats above do not discount the value of a long-term marriage, or the value in a couple working hard to try to make the marriage work, when possible. Yet, when we consider how people change over a lifetime, and that sometimes people don't fully acknowledge or know the full breadth of their emotional needs at the time they get married, it's clear why many marriages end. (Note that the factor of having children involves separate issues, and there is a wealth of literature on that topic which is informative and helpful.)
What's interesting to consider is whether the ending of a relationship is equal to a relationship "failing." Does a couple who tries for years to make a marriage work truly fail? Don't many of these couples try to work on their issues individually and as a couple, only to realize that their emotional needs or internal capacities to change are simply too discrepant? In my clinical work, I have found that many divorcing couples have, in fact, tried hard and have also come to honestly see that the relationship has, as a pattern, brought the couple more emotional stress and unhappiness than comfort and security.
My wish for divorcing couples is that they be sure to have tried various avenues to improve the relationship, except in cases of abuse, which can pose serious threats of bodily and emotional harm. Avenues for improvement include couples therapy, individual therapy, reading self-books, and talking to trusted friends and family members who can offer a big-picture perspective when things become emotional or intense in the relationship.
But after men and women have tried and realized they cannot maintain the marriage in an emotionally productive way, feeling ashamed to divorce is not helpful. When disclosing to others that you are divorcing, it is important for your self-esteem in such raw moments to protect your feelings. Consider saying the following to others: "There is a part of me that feels uncomfortable or embarrassed [or insert the word that resonates most with you], but I don't buy into the idea that I failed or did something wrong. I tried, and all I can do as I go forward is to try harder, take responsibility for my own actions, and be a more responsible and sensitive partner in any romantic relationship I have in the future."
By sharing this range of feelings, you can maintain your self-esteem and resist feeling overwhelmed by shame, or any negative comments or reactions from others. If others say something that shames you, avoid emotionally reacting in the moment. Consider saying something like this: "Long-term relationships are complex and difficult, and rather than react to what you're saying and get into an argument, I'll simply reflect on what you're saying later. I trust you have good intentions, and I know I do, too."
Research supports that self-compassion and kindness toward oneself through the divorce process are crucial to making the emotional experience more manageable (Sbarra, Smith & Matthias, 2012). In addition to resisting any possible urge or provocation to feel ashamed, make every effort to practice good self-care throughout the process and surround yourself with individuals who offer positive, consistent social support. These efforts will make a difficult experience a little less difficult.
Reference:
Sbarra, D.A., Smith, H.L., and Matthias, R.M. (2012). When leaving your ex, love yourself: Observational ratings of self-compassion predict the Course of Emotional Recovery Following Marital Separation. Psychological Science, 23, 3, 261-269.
