DR. SETH'S RELATIONSHIP & LOVE ADVICE

Dr. Seth on Heidi Klum and Seal's Separation

2012-01-23T18:09:00.001-08:00

Click the title to check out the new article!

Mama's Boys Make Great Friends, But Bad Husbands

2012-01-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

A budding romance holds the promise of wonderful things: real intimacy, steady companionship, and the end of loneliness that many singles feel until they make that ultimate connection. Yet one reality that haunts far too many relationships is an enmeshed relationship between a grown man and his mother, a dynamic that is captured in the vernacular with the term "Mama's boy."

A romantic relationship is doomed to suffer if a new husband relies too heavily on his mother for anything, whether it is money, approval or emotional support. Inevitably, she becomes triangulated into the relationship between the couple and becomes the object of razor-sharp resentment from the wife.

Yet the very women who later clench their teeth in bitterness at the mother who gets too close and the husband who can't let her go often see the warning signs of the dysfunctional codependent mother-son relationship in the dating process. In other words, the mother-son relationship doesn't become dysfunctional after the marriage; it is strong enough to survive - and, in some cases, outlast - the marriage.

Here are some warning signs that the man you're dating or married to is a Mama's boy:

You can't say anything even slightly negative about his mother; his mother can do no wrong; he can't say "no" to his mother; he avoids confrontation with her at all costs but has no problem getting angry with you; you feel that, if there were a problem between you and his mother, that he would side with and defend her instead of you.

If you're single and looking, watch out for the warning signs. If you're in the dating stage with one of these men, you need to have some honest conversations: first, with yourself, as you consider whether this trait is a deal-breaker; second, with him, as you communicate that he needs to prioritize you over his mother at this point in your lives.

Finally, if you are already knee-deep in a relationship with a Mama's boy and have accumulated resentment toward his mother and him, as a result, you need to accept that this dynamic won't change much and learn to not take it personally. Ultimately, the fact that a man is a Mama's boy doesn't mean you should end the relationship; it just means that he is a man with limitations.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth's book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, today about how to stop repeating the same negative patterns in your romantic relationships today. (Click the book cover at the upper right to buy a copy today!)

Demi Moore: Dating Another Young Man?

2012-01-12T07:25:00.000-08:00

Oh, no, the tabloids are full of speculation that Demi Moore is doing it again with another man many years her junior, namely one who is 26 years old. Please, no, Demi!

As a rule, finding yourself in love with one person who is far outside of your age range can be okay as long as they match you in the most important ways: similar interests, goals, and values. But to make it a pattern? Not so great because the odds are against the relationship really working well over the long haul.

From People.com:

Has Demi Moore found a new guy -- or is she just intensifying her workout?

The actress, 49, was spotted Saturday in L.A. with Blake Corl-Baietti, a 26-year-old California personal trainer who also models.

In a 2009 profile on the modeling web site One Model Place, Corl-Baietti says, "As far as my interests are concerned, I am as renaissance as it gets. I love anything outdoors, learning as much as I can, and [ gaining] any kind of life experience possible."

Describing himself as "fun-loving" and "honest," Corl-Baietti also says that he "PROUDLY [serves] in the California National Guard and am in college pursuing a degree in kinesiology."

Moore, who recently told Harper's Bazaar that she worries that she's "not worthy of being loved," has maintained a low profile since splitting from husband Ashton Kutcher, 33, in November.

Dr. Seth on Radio's "Mancow Morning Madhouse"

2012-01-08T20:36:00.000-08:00

Check out Dr. Seth on Monday morning on the Mancow Muller radio show!

Watch Dr. Seth on "The Doctors" & More!

2012-01-07T20:17:00.000-08:00

Demi Moore Fears She's Unlovable

2012-01-07T12:27:00.000-08:00

In an interview published in the new February issue of Harper's Bazaar, Demi Moore gets real and openly discusses some personal feelings that most people would only share with a best friend. As a clinician who is far too familiar with the stigma associated with sharing vulnerabilities and admitting deep shortcomings and fears, I commend Ms. Moore for her openness. In being so open and honest, she sends a we're-all-sisters message to regular folks who struggle with some of the same basic self-esteem issues in their own lives.

"What scares me is that I'm going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I'm really not lovable, that I'm not worthy of being loved. That there's something fundamentally wrong with me...and that I wasn't wanted here in the first place," Ms. Moore shared in the interview.

While many readers will hear such comments and focus on their surprise that someone so wealthy and beautiful can feel so insecure or desperate, the truth is that her comments aren't that unusual or unfamiliar: many of us have had the exact same feelings at some point in our lives.

With celebrities, however, their fears and insecurities are sometimes more extreme because everything about them is more extreme: their beauty, their wealth, the roller-coaster nature of their lives that get lived out in front of the cameras. As celebrities live their lives publicly, they feed our human need to have objects we can simultaneously envy and criticize.

For regular folks, the takeaway is that it's perfectly normal to occasionally doubt yourself or succumb to hopeless feelings regarding your own lovability - particularly if you just ended a long-term relationship, as Ms. Moore recently did.

Even more importantly, individuals who feel similarly should assess how long the insecure feelings have lasted, and determine whether the feelings have become more of a pattern - in other words, they keep coming back. If you continue to reenact such insecurities in one relationship after another, your problem isn't situational; instead, the problem is more of an identity issue, meaning that you have come to see yourself in a seriously distorted way and must seriously work on your issues in order for the feelings to go away for good.

The good news for someone such as Demi Moore is that she has the financial resources to get educated about any psychological issues she may have, and to seek whatever treatment may be helpful. Most women, on the other hand, aren't so lucky.

For women out there who can relate to the sad but authentic feelings Ms. Moore shared in her interview, don't convince yourself that you need to be wealthy to get the help you need to improve your self-esteem. Check out your local bookstore and scour free resources online, and you'll see that you can start improving your self-esteem today.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth's book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, today about how to stop repeating the same negative patterns in your romantic relationships today. (Click the book cover at the upper right to buy a copy today!)

Kirstie Alley Wants to Date Ugly Men

2012-01-05T18:58:00.000-08:00

Kirstie Alley is a bit of a freak, and I love me a good freak. They have a way of making life a little more interesting, don't they?

Well, since Ms. Alley's (hardcore) weight loss, she's now open to dating and she says in a recent article that she is willing and able to take on ugly men.

From People magazine:

Kirstie Alley said she's going to start dating "butt-ugly men" on an episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show airing Friday.

When asked about her dating life by Ellen, Alley, 60, admitted she usually goes for "psychos" and "players," so the host suggested she try going with the opposite of what she's attracted to.

"I'm thinking ugly men might be the solution," the Dancing with the Stars alum responded. "I'm talking about butt ugly. Because I go for really handsome men and I think butt ugly would be appreciative."

My verdict? Good for her. People care way too much about appearance anyhow - ahem, please overlook my own occasional spray tan and teeth-whitening. I promise I have depth, dammit!

Stop Comparing Your Sex Life to Others'!

2012-01-05T10:54:00.000-08:00

One of the main problems when it comes to sex is that people compare their own sex lives too much with the sex lives of others.

If you’re in a relationship, you and your partner will find the frequency that works for you. Many people don’t have sex that often but compare themselves to other couples who, they hear, may be having sex more frequently. “What’s wrong with us?” they often wonder. Nothing. Who said we’re supposed to be having sex all the time anyway? Aren’t we busy, tired, and working toward a hundred other goals?

I’ve never seen a truly asexual client, so my experience and training tell me that no one is truly asexual. But aside from that, there is a spectrum. Some people need sex several times per week, at least, while others are fine to go a few months.

Take the 1-10 scale, 10 being the most sexual, and each member of the couple EARLY IN THE RELATIONSHIP should say how sexual each of them is. Write it on a piece of paper so you don’t influence each other’s answers. This technique helps everyone to not take things personally if the other wants sex more, doesn’t want sex as much, etc.

My clients love the 1-10 technique and it saves some couple’s relationships. “Now, I know that she doesn’t like it as much because she’s more of a 6, and I’m unfortunately more of an 8," a given client will tell me. It's really that simple!

Aretha Franklin Gets Engaged!

2012-01-03T20:02:00.000-08:00

As life expectancy grows, we are seeing more couple get married into their 70s, 80s, and even 90s. Aretha Franklin, age 69, is a terrific example that male and female seniors still have the urge to formalize their relationship with a marriage certificate. It’s not a total surprise that older couples would choose to get married as the reasons why people get married have changed over the years.

In the past, getting married was largely to legitimate having children. Yet according to a 2005 statistic, only 41% of married couples had children. This shows that more and more couples are choosing to get married and to not have children. Because fertility now plays less of a role in marriage, it’s not surprising that older couples are getting married more than ever.

Does it make sense? If people marry for love, it makes sense. But couples should be careful when tying the knot about finances. Wills should be drawn up, discussed with existing family members, and should not be made impulsively!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011-12-31T08:31:00.000-08:00

Cheers to the year ahead. May it be good for each and every one of you!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM DR. SETH!

2011-12-24T17:25:00.000-08:00

Enjoy, be a little wild and a lot safe!

Statistics: Marriage Is Becoming Less Popular

2011-12-17T18:39:00.000-08:00

According to a report on NPR (December 16, 2011), fewer people are getting married today than in the past, and people are waiting until later to the tie the knot.

The average age for a woman to get married these days is 26, while the average age for men is 29.

This is really good news, because studies show that, the older people wait to get married, the lower the likelihood is that they will divorce.

Why You Should Try COUPLES Therapy

2011-12-17T09:13:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, seeking out a therapist was a virtual no-no. Those who had therapists were considered crazy or mentally ill, and individuals and couples were afraid to start seeing a therapist because of the stigma.

Man, have times changed. Today, people talk fairly openly about seeing a therapist, and co-workers listen to each other's dramas at the water cooler and now casually suggest, "You should probably talk to someone."

For couples, I find that couples therapy is one of the smartest investments they can make. Why? Because every member of every couple across the world has some sort of built-up resentment that's been marinating for a while. Those who deny this reality are probably some of the most resentful deep down!

Couples therapy gives couples a space to vent their negative feelings, and even the best relationships have their fair share of frustration and resentments. The couples who have never tried therapy - or wouldn't dare to try it - are often afraid that talking about problems will open Pandora's box. The logic is that opening the floodgates might lead to the end of the relationship.

I always tell people the same thing: couples therapy won't break up your relationship unless the truth is that the two of you aren't meant to be together. So, be fearless and responsible, and consider talking to a trained mental health clincian when you hit a rocky patch in your relationship. It could truly save your relationship and make it better, to boot!

How to Give Christmas Gifts That Actually Get USED!

2011-12-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

It's that time of the year: stores are mobbed with angsty shoppers and everyone's to-do list is maxed out. In the midst of holiday-induced chaos, you might find yourself buying random, obligatory gifts for loved ones, simply to check it off your list and move on to the hundred other people you need to buy for. Some quick advice: don't do that!

I know that it's not possible to spend a lot of time planning each gift you give this year, but select a few loved ones from your list and make a special effort to plan those gifts carefully. Specifically, I want you to set aside thirty minutes in the next week and use that time to seriously think about what you could get three special loved ones this year.

You can take this thirty minutes in the car or on the treadmill, while preparing dinner or getting ready in the morning. Ask yourself the following questions so that you choose gifts that the receivers will truly love, appreciate, and USE!

1. What is something they like that they would never buy for themselves?
2. What is a service (e.g, massage, pedicure, etc.) that they would probably enjoy even though they would never arrange to have the service themselves?
3. What is something you could get them that satisfies one of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell?
4. What is an example of a gift they would like that you could search online for a special version of ( an antique version, or perhaps a version from another country?

Nothing drives me more crazy than unused gifts lying around: it just makes no sense. None of us have money to burn, so it's a shame that so many men and women spend hard-earned dollars on so many gifts that go to waste. By taking advantage of a thirty-minute gift-planning session, and answering the questions above, you can make sure that you're spending that gift money wisely!

Dr. Seth on "The Doctors" (CBS): Tuesday

2011-12-04T17:42:00.000-08:00

Check me out on The Doctors (CBS) this Tuesday when I'll be helping three women learn how to manage their anger!

How NOT to Kiss!

2011-12-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

In the book, The Art of Kissing, published by William Cane, kissing dos and don'ts are revealed. The number one mistake men and women make in kissing? Being too aggressive with the tongue. Slow down, people, and settle in for a relaxed kiss, rather than trying to clean out a gutter with a rubber hose.

A kiss is how sexual play usually begins, so it's important that you send the message to the one you're kissing that you're not working, but actually enjoying yourself! Most importantly, kissing too aggressively can be a sign of anxiety, and you don't want to come across as anxious or nervous in such a romantic moment.

Finally, once you've been dating someone for a few weeks, compliment the way they kiss and ask how they like the way you do it. Sometimes people need to be invited to do talk about something that can be a little awkward.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth's book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, today about how to stop repeating the same negative patterns in your romantic relationships. (Click the book cover to the right to buy a copy today!)

Dating: 5 Simple Tips

2011-11-26T13:08:00.000-08:00

For most men and women, dating isn't exactly fun or stress-free. The dating process can get complicated because it’s easy to get trapped by your own insecurities or to cross paths with an unkind or rude date who spares no punches in making you feel less-than. These simple tips will help make dating easier and keep you feeling comfortable so that you protect your own ego en route to finding the partner who’s a good match for you!

Tip 1

Keep realistic expectations. Don’t approach a date with the mindset that you will meet “The One.” This is magical thinking. Your date could possible turn into that terrific partner but it will take time to get to that realization. Again, be realistic!

Tip 2

Plan dates around activities that you like to do. Feel free to suggest activities and environments that suit you – the worst that could happen is that your dates says “no.” The bottom line is that you can be most yourself when you feel comfortable and at ease. If you’re an outdoors person, go for a walk in a park or walk around an outdoor mall. If you like quite or intimate places, check out a restaurant that serves the type of cuisine you like. Being yourself = engaging in activities that reflect your interests.

Tip 3

Don’t schedule the usual dinner and a movie. The reality is that you might not want to hang out with your date for four hours if there’s little or no click between the two of you. Suggest an activity that takes about an hour, and give yourself permission to call it an early night if you’re not feeling the connection. Don’t fall into the guilt trap – nobody ever qualified in a textbook how long a date should take! You are a co-writer of the rules.

Tip 4

Don’t go out of your comfort zone in the early stages of dating. You don’t have to meet your date’s family or his or her huge group of friends if you’d rather get to know your date first. Nobody wants to be judged and surveyed, and meeting groups of people all at once is the surest way to invite this kind of uncomfortable attention.

Tip 5

Never agree to plans that you don’t think you’ll follow up on after the date is over. If your date really likes you, he or she may try to set something up for next time: “Let’s go there next time – you want to?” Let yourself feel free to say “maybe” but don’t fall into saying “yes, sure” when you don’t mean it. Finally, at the end of the date, don’t feel that you have to say “I’ll call you tomorrow or next week.” In such cases, it’s more honest to say “Nice to meet you and have a good night.”

Remember that dating is risky business and that it can be unpleasant, but keeping these simple tips in mind will make the journey a little smoother!

P.S. Check out my book DR. SETH'S LOVE PRESCRIPTION for more romantic advice!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

2011-11-24T10:07:00.000-08:00

When Dating: Stop the Sarcasm!

2011-11-21T19:17:00.000-08:00

One of the main ways to turn someone off is to come across as too sarcastic too soon. Sure, a little humor goes a long way, but sarcasm carries darker edges than your average, run-of-the-mill sense of humor.

When you're dating someone new, keep your radar tuned to how you're coming across, and watch out for letting too much sarcasm out of the bag. Sarcastic men and women love to tell themselves that sarcasm is a natural, harmless extension of their sense of humor, but the truth is that sarcasm is a defense mechanism. People develop this skill in order to make themselves feel more secure and powerful in interactions with others.

In short, feel free to let a little sarcasm show once you know someone well, but short of that, control your sarcasm in dating like the unruly child it is!

Relationship Quote of the Day!

2011-11-21T19:06:00.000-08:00

Damn, this one is good...

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together." (Author Unknown)

Demi and Ashton's Divorce: Can A Huge Age Difference Work?

2011-11-18T19:57:00.000-08:00

Well, even if you don't read the tabloids or watch any number of - let's admit it - trashy television shows that track the lives of celebrities, you've probably heard by now that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are calling it quits. This separation begs for a little water-cooler chatter: Can a marriage really last if there is such an enromous age difference between each member of the couple?

As a rule, the answer is...No. Of course, there are exceptions and you may even be able to name a couple or two in real life who have managed to maintain a happy, long-term relationship. But please trust me when I say this: THESE ARE THE EXCEPTIONS.

I'm 38 years old, and I can assure you that the ways that I spend my Friday evenings at this point in my life, for example, are pretty damn different from how I spent them when I was, say, 25 years old. To give you a full picture, as I write this, I've got one of my dogs seated on the couch next to me and a fire that's burning in my living room fireplace. When I was 25? Child, please. I can assure you that I was somewehere that was loud, packed with people, and brimming with all the energy that comes with having the rest of your life ahead of you.

When it comes to a couple, such as Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, I'm hard-pressed to believe that there aren't major differences in the ways that a 49 year old and a 33 year old choose to spend their time, or the kinds of energy levels they have. A difference of 16 years? Come on, let's everyone be honest.

Sure, it can work for a very rare few, but I wouldn't recommend such an enormous age difference for anyone looking for lasting love.

Stop Right Now: Idealizing Past Sexual Encounters

2011-11-11T12:02:00.000-08:00

Yes,it's probably happened to each one of us: a brief romantic encounter that we carry with us for years. Perhaps you met that person on vacation, or may have met him or her while traveling on business in another area. You may have been twenty or you may have been forty. The point is that the memory of a fling can be powerful.

In writing this article, I am reminded of a popular song by Carly Simon entitled “Better Not Tell Her.” She sings the song to a man with whom she had a brief rendez-vous, and this man happened to be involved already. Ms. Simon advises him about how he should handle his return to his wife after the affair affair is over, as she sings “Just leave out the white nights, the moon in your window, the break in your whisper, she won’t need to know.”

The problem with such a rendez-vous (independent of the glaring infidelity!) is that this song reminds us how we can all carry fleeting flings into our normal lives. The reality, however, is that these flings shouldn’t be romanticized or idealized because they are completely unreal. In the context of a brief affair, two people don’t truly know each other and the setting is often one of relaxation and abandon.

The goal in love is to learn how to have a vital love life in the context of a fairly normal daily routine. Men and women must learn how to have intimacy within a long-term relationship. Brief flings from the past often interfere with intimacy at home because they provide a false belief that this abandon is real love. No, this is not real love – this is lust. How about trying to reinvigorate that sense of lust ion a long-term relationship? It can happen, though it might take a little bit of effort!

4 Rules for Surviving Dating: How to Find Lasting Love

2011-11-09T06:40:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, I ran into a friend at a restaurant who has just begun dating someone new. My friend shared with me later just how anxiety-provoking this new relationship has become. After a few weeks, they’ve officially entered that awkward phase where uncertainty is king, and I’m sure each member of the couple is spending a great deal of time talking about the relationship with their respective friends. Oh, the drama that new love brings!

The beginning of a new relationship is scary because you don’t really know the person you’re dating, so you can’t be sure what you’re going to get. In other words, you’re investing in a relationship based purely on faith, or your hope that this new person will be good for you. But let’s all admit what a risk it is to start falling in love! Can you imagine taking a thousand dollars and putting it into a stock that you don’t know much about? If you only knew a few details about the company you were investing in, you’d probably decide not to invest in it. Why? Because it would feel too risky.

Yet in relationships, the pull toward a new lover is so strong that it feels as if you really don’t have a choice at all. If you like the person and want to get to know them better, you have no choice but to proceed. The stakes feel so high because you can end up attaching pretty quickly to someone new, even though you don’t know that person well enough to know if it’s truly safe to trust him or her. The reality is that the process of attaching happens much faster than the process of getting to know someone on a truly deep level. If only we could slow our hearts down so that we could protect ourselves better from potential hurts, right?

But wait – I suddenly got so caught up in writing about new love that I almost forgot that we actually do have control over how quickly we attach to someone new. Sure, hormones are at work and there is the undeniable thrill of the first touch or kiss with someone you’re crazy attracted to, but that doesn’t mean that we, in turn, have to carjack someone, head to Vegas, and get married in a cheesy chapel on the first night.

Though the urge may be strong to spend all your time with your new love interest and jump in the sack to seal the deal and – finally - alleviate your intense curiosity, we’re supposed to be adults now, or highly developed individuals that come fully loaded with frontal lobes that allow us to plan and make good decisions. The real goal becomes slowing down in the midst of the sexual-emotional storm of new love to gather our thoughts and proceed with a healthy caution.

Below, I will give you a few pieces of advice to help you control your anxiety and start a new relationship more cautiously.

Rule # 1: If you breathe the words “The One” in the first couple of months, odds are that you’re headed for trouble. Don’t even let yourself think this way. You need to relax and keep your expectations as realistic as possible – knowing full well how hard that is to do.

Rule # 2: Don’t jump into bed too quickly. For those of you (I’m guessing more than 95%) who aren’t waiting for marriage to consummate the relationship, don’t get horizontal until you’ve had, at least, several dates. Trust me: this way you’ll figure out how emotionally compatible you are before you let you sex and hormones take over.

Rule # 3: Your friends and family should not meet the person you’re dating until a solid month of dating – and dating with no red flags. If you’ve been dating a few weeks but have noticed some areas of concern, take an extra month to get to know your new love interest better so that you can figure out if he or she will truly make the grade.

Rule # 4: Use what mental health professionals call “self-talk” or what everyone else calls “mantras” to keep your eye on the bigger picture when the burgeoning intimacy makes you anxious. Tell yourself little things (either mentally or on notes you leave around your house) to soothe yourself, such as, "Focus on whether you like him, not whether he likes you," or "If it's meant to be, she'll call; if not, I'll have more energy to look for someone else."

No, relationships aren’t easy for anyone and the uncertainty of falling for someone is hard for everyone to manage. But slowing down and giving you time to sufficiently interview the person you’re interested in will be the best insurance policy you could invest in!

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth's book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, today about how to stop repeating the same negative patterns in your romantic relationships today. (Click the book cover to the right to buy a copy today!)

Single Women: How to Find a Good Man

2011-10-28T11:21:00.001-07:00

Trust me: Beyonce doesn't have it all figured out. If only it were that easy to find a man to "put a ring on it. " If you are single, take my advice yourself and push yourself to exit your comfort zone, try some new things, and give up looking for just one particular 'type' of man.

Perhaps you’re a list-maker, perhaps you’re not. I, myself, am guilty of creating the silliest lists for the most trivial projects. Yet making lists helps to organize your thoughts and the way you approach your daily activities. Though you may occasionally draft your own lists, you may not have tried creating a to-do list that speaks to your romantic goals.

Try this simple activity: write a list of 5 activities you will engage in to meet someone new, and then make a list of the 5 characteristics that you want your future romantic partner to have. As you write your list, make sure to use direct, strong language (“I will…vs. I want to…”).

In my book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, I have endless exercises and checlists you can fill out to help you figure out the best characteristics to look for in a man. I included fill-in-the-blank exercises because writing can really help to organize your thoughts and solidify your romantic goals. Most of all, writing makes you feel like you are taking action rather than sitting around, waiting for something good to happen.

Try creating your own romantic to-do list today, and you can go back and make changes later or write new ones until you meet your romantic goal: finding a partner who fits you and your life overall!

Want to check out the book? Click on the book cover at the top right!

When Your Boyfriend Is A Flirt: What To Do!

2011-10-22T16:25:00.000-07:00

When you’re in a relationship, a little flirting is arguably healthy and normal. Those who say one should never flirt with someone else most likely unconsciously flirt (at least a little) when their partner is not present. We’re only human and our sexuality lives on, regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.

What do you do, however, when you witness your partner flirting with someone else and you feel like it goes a step too far? What if it lasts a little too long or gets a little touchy for your liking?

What you do is address it. You check the behavior in the moment so that you clearly communicate that you don’t want the behavior to happen again. Rather than grab your partner’s arm and jerk him or her out of the conversation with the other guilty party, take a break and sit the conversation out for a few minutes. When you can be sure that you’ve regained composure and won’t cause more drama, ask your partner to talk with you alone for a minute.

When you address it, don’t make huge generalizations or call your partner names. Simply express what you observed and tell your partner how it made you feel. It always helps to add something like “maybe I’m just being extra-sensitive, but…” This technique is helpful because it makes your partner feel less attacked.

Finally, simply ask your partner that he or she not do it again. Don’t hold a grudge or let resentment settle in unless this behavior has become a pattern. Accept that we’re all human, that we all make mistakes, and that intimacy often increases in relationships when you work your way through problems together.

When Your Spouse Dies: Read This Book

2011-10-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

I've been a fan of Joyce Carol Oates since I was a teenager. In fact, I actually wrote her a letter once and sent it to her at Princeton where she teaches, but imagine my surprise when she never responded. I got over it - maybe.

Anyhow, her new book, A Widow's Story, documents her own life experience after her husband suddenly died after complications from pneumonia. My usual experience in reading her books is that I love each one, though I'm not as crazy about the writing in this one as with her others. Perhaps she becomes a little more wordy as she struggled with the incredibly emotional material.

Regardless, widows and widowers will find comfort in many of the pages, and others can gatch a sad but vibrant glimpse into how someone copes with such grief.

Rebound Relationships: A Bad Idea?

2011-10-20T19:41:00.000-07:00

The issue of rebound relationships is not as clear-cut as you might guess. It would be easy to say that all rebound relationships are unhealthy because you haven’t given yourself time to mourn the end the relationship you just ended.

If you’re starving for a good generalization, it’s safe to eat this one for breakfast: As a rule, rebounds are bad news. However, this generalization fails to take into account the fact that the relationship one just ended may have been over for a long time prior to the official end. In other words, a man can be in a relationship and be mourning the loss that it is ending prior to the actual end of the relationship. In some relationships, the love and connection died a long time ago, and the two people simply stay together to avoid the upsetting breakup words.

For these individuals, they may seek out another relationship soon after. That relationship is not necessarily going to be unhealthy provided that he or she did the work to make sense of why the last relationship failed. This work, I must emphasize, must be done prior to beginning the next relationship.

Looking at the picture from this angle, it becomes apparent that you must define what a rebound relationship is, because not all relationships that begin soon after the previous one ended are actually rebound relationships. What defines a rebound relationship is the fact that you have worked through the issues of your last relationship so that you can avoid bringing them into your next one.

As long as your next relationship is not a rebound relationship and you have learned from your previous relationship, you are poised to find a relationship that will actually work for you!

Dr. Seth In the Media: Cosmopolitan

2011-10-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

Check out Dr. Seth talking about relationships in next month's Cosmopolitan magazine. I'm also sending a shout-out to Cosmo's Editor-in-Chief, Kate White, my favorite magazine editor!

Getting Political: New Political Book Highlights America's Decline

2011-10-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I usually talk about relationships on this blog, but I must occasionally throw in a little political stuff because I am a true political junkie. So, here goes.

If you're a political buff like I am, odds are that you'll find Thomas Friedman and Michael Mandelbaums' new book That Used To Be Us to be an interesting read. Yet the truth is that everyone - even those who don't follow geopolitics closely - can learn from this book about the decline of American greatness. While many such nonfiction books are written in a fairly light and digestible package, this book leans toward the slightly academic end of the spectrum.

Some might say that we, the readers, already know how bad things are, but the book delves more deeply than cable news or the average newspaper into the causes of America's current problems and does its best to offer optimismfor the future, even if it's cautiously optimistic. In fact, the authors refer to themselves as "frustrated optimists."

Part of the frustration in the state of things that the authors describe derives from the two-party political system, as the authors explain that the policies we need involve far more substantial changes than the Democrats or Republicans are currently proposing. Of course, that's a tall order that may take years to execute.

That Used To Be Us outlines many solutions, some of which we've heard before. We're slowly accepting that we need to save more, consume less, and study harder in order to regain our national strength and solidarity. But one particularly interesting focus of the book highlights how our immigration policies have gotten off-track, and the authors cite some pretty meaningful statistics. For example, did you know that immigrants represent just 12% of the U.S. populations, though they have started 52% of Silicon Valley's tech companies and contributed to more than 25% of U.S. global patents?

If you read Friedman's The World Is Flat or are familiar with Mandelbaum's work, you know that these guys are seasoned pros. They've produced a well-researched book that really makes readers think about how we got here and, more importantly, what to do next. I highly recommend it, even if it takes quite a few sittings to fully digest.

How Adults In Love Are Just Like Toddlers

2011-10-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

Adults in the midst of hot new love have a lot more in common with toddlers than you may think. In addition to the usual joy and lust that the first year or so of a new romantic relationship brings, a new relationship also brings frustrations. In fact, it's my experience of counseling couples, while simultaneously raising a couple of toddlers of my own, that's confirmed this reality. The ugly truth is that adults in love are just as good at acting out as the average toddler found playing in the preschool sandbox. Further examination will reveal that the dark side of dating is often filled with jealousy, over-dependence, and the need for immediate gratification, all of which are hallmarks of the not-so-pleasant toddler years.

First, consider poor emotional regulation, or the inability to manage one's thoughts and feelings in a smooth and consistent manner. In the early stages of a relationship, Person A often feels overwhelmed with anxiety, wondering whether their new love interest will ever call, and hours upon hours are spent talking to friends who do their best to offer reassurance. This stage of a relationship is difficult because of the uncertainty, and the emotional overflow that love and lust brings hurls rationality out the window. Though Person A may feel solid in his or her professional life and with friendships, the romantic nature of the new relationship turns everything upside down. The uncertainty causes men and women alike to feel anxious and even depressed or anxious, at times.

Perhaps the best example of adults' difficulty with emotional regulation is jealousy. While a couple often learns later in the relationship how to navigate these feelings more effectively, the beginning of a relationship puts everyone on edge when it comes to others who could steal their new partner away. Of course, when jealousy comes to visit, it often brings with it what I call adult temper tantrums. In such moments, screaming and insults often ensue, words spoken that are often retracted the following morning when the angry passion has passed.

If you have your own toddler, know one, or have witnessed the antics of a three- or four-year old, you know how difficult emotional regulation can be for the little ones. Though a toddler may feel happy and calm one moment, the next moment can bring tears or whining. These behaviors understandably frustrate parents who do their best to understand the cause of such unhappiness, and they spend more time (than they'd like to admit) analyzing their motivations. Is he fussing because he needs a nap, or is he just hungry? Sadly, the similarities between adults who are in the beginning stages of a relationship and their toddler counterparts don't end there.

In addition, adults in a new relationship and toddlers often display a similar type of over-dependence. With adults, the push for codependence is often strong, causing the new couple to do everything together and to come to expect that the other partner can meet each person's primary needs and (gasp)be enough to make them happy. In this context, men and women often stop seeing their other friends, visiting the gym, and taking the kind of care of themselves that they should because the new focus is the other person.

The irrationality of these feelings is more understandable when it comes to toddlers. After all, the brain isn't yet fully developed when a three-year old child looks up at her Daddy when a cold breeze hits and says, "Cold! Cold!" as if he is powerful enough to change the weather. Despite the fact that Daddy can't solve all of her problems, his toddler child has come to depend on him in a way that she actually sees him as more powerful than he really is. In other words, she has an excuse; adults in a new relationship don't.

The final similarity between adults in the early stages of a relationship and toddlers relates to immediate gratification. In terms of sex, for example, couples usually jump into bed way too quickly. My experience with couples has shown me that rushing things in bedroom often backfires because the strong sexual feelings cloud everyone's judgment in the interviewing-a-partner process. The real need at this stage of the game is to pay attention to the emotional characteristics of your potential partner and figure out whether this person is going to give you what you need emotionally over the long haul. Yet lust and the need for immediate gratification on the sex front take over everything else, and it's not simply limited to sex. This happens with time spent together, too, with new couples clamoring to spend each night together early on, oblivious that they will have the rest of their lives to spend together if they truly belong with each other.

In comparison, toddlers have immediate gratification down pat. Spend an hour with one and you'll see how they want every last need met now, and there's little thought about the fact that tomorrow could bring gratification, too. In the life of a toddler, the stakes are always high. Toddlers think a thought and must act it out, while adults are supposed to have the cognitive flexibility to sit with their thoughts and feelings.

Overall, the similarities between adults newly in love and toddlers boil down to one theme: drama, or what we commonly refer to as highs and lows. The good news for society is that both of these stages pass, and everyone learns to settle down, play nicely, and move on to a higher stage of emotional maturity.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth's book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, about how to stop repeating the same negative patterns in your romantic relationships. This book is for what Dr. Seth calls Relationship Repeaters. (Click the book cover at the top right to buy a copy today!)

What a Bad Economy Does to Men

2011-09-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

Simply put, men + a bad economy = problems.

Men tend to internalize what is going economically in the larger culture. They identify themselves as providers, so the ability to provide for others is one of their primary needs. If this need goes unfulfilled, they will feel anxious, preoccupied, and, at times, even depressed. When things are going well economically, life for men is usually good. During such periods, they feel secure in their jobs, their bank account is increasing, and they feel confident in their ability to financially provide for their families in housing and educating their children.

HOWEVER, when things go poorly economically, they feel insecure about their ability to provide for others and, overall, they will feel insufficient. In such circumstances, men tend to feel anxious and emasculated, and often self-medicate with over-eating or drinking or smoking too much. Additionally, they often suffer from irritable mood because they feel a loss of control.

When the economy is in rough shape, circumstances for men are exacerbated by the fact that men aren’t good at asking for help. So, when they need to vent the most and need to ask for help, they sabotage themselves. Ultimately, if you are the man who feels overwhelmed, talk to someone openly about it. Releasing it will make it (a little) better. If the man is someone in your life whom you love and care about, let him know that you are there to offer support. Sometimes all anyone needs is a shoulder to cry on!

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth's book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, about how to stop repeating the same negative patterns in your romantic relationships. This book is for what Dr. Seth calls Relationship Repeaters. (Click the book cover at the top right to buy a copy today!)

Pre-Marital Counseling: Why Only for Religious Couples???

2011-09-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Given the laundry list of factors that can lead to divorce (money problems, adultery, differences in raising children, and so on), the smartest thing that couples can do is to seek counseling before they say “I do.” The problem is that, typically, the only couples who engage in pre-marital counseling include couples who actively practice a religion. For many couples involved with a church, temple, or another religious institution, the religious leaders there seriously encourage pre-marital counseling for all engaged couples. Yet why don’t nonreligious couples step up to the plate and get some help, too?

Some studies suggest that couples who have pre-marital counseling have a lower divorce rate than other couples, but this is difficult to measure because there are other factors (or mediating variables, to be research-specific) that may help couples to stay together. For example, if the majority of couples who receive such counseling are religious, it’s impossible to tease out what helps two people stay together when times get tough: practicing a religion, pre-marital counseling, or the social support of a religious community?

Having conducted couples therapy with many women and men over the years, I see how beneficial it is for couples to deal with problems early – before they morph into gigantic barricades that destroy any hope for resolution. Some couples come to therapy when a slight problematic pattern emerges, and these couples tend to improve quickly and effectively. Why? Because the resentments aren’t yet set in concrete. Other couples, however, put off dealing with their problems until things get so bad that they’ve stopped communicating, having sex, or spending quality time together. As a therapist, I can say that the earlier a couple starts therapy, the better the prognosis for the longevity of the relationship.

The point is simple: Pre-marital counseling is the smartest decision that any couple can make, and you don’t need to be religious to try it. No matter how cohesive a couple may be, problems and differences will inevitably arise, so pre-marital counseling really functions like the best insurance policy a couple could ever purchase. Why so many couples avoid pre-marital counseling – or counseling early in the marriage, for that matter – has to do with fear.

At root, most men and women fear that talking openly about problems with a counselor will lead to even more problems and the eventual dissolution of the relationship. But please hear me when I say that the reality is counter-intuitive! Though it can be scary to vent your anger, frustration and resentments, it is the release of these feelings in a structured context that actually allows two people to move past them and later start liking each other again.

In this case, I believe that religious leaders and their respective congregations have figured out what most people still resist: everyone needs help with their relationships. Further, these couples feel that there’s nothing wrong with getting help prior to making such an enormous commitment. So, nonreligious couples, take notes and learn from them as your marriage will thank you many years later.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth's book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, today about how to stop repeating the same negative patterns in your romantic relationships today. (Click the book cover to the right to buy a copy today!)

Read Dr. Seth's New Article...

2011-09-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin: A Purpose-Free Life?

Read This Book: Super Immunity by Dr. Joel Fuhrman

2011-09-12T20:23:00.000-07:00

I get a lot of books sent to me from publishers, and this one has to be one of my recent favorites. Dr. Fuhrman's new book is a great read, full of important information that you can use in your everyday life.

For me, the best part of the book is Chapter 3: "Super Foods for Super Immunity." In the chapter, one of his main points is to highlight the value of cruciferous vegetables, a group that includes kale, cabbage, collards and broccoli, and some nongreen vegetables that include cauliflower and turnips. Dr. Fuhrman goes into great detail about the many ways that these vegetables can make you healthier and stronger.

Check this book out today. You won't be disppointed!

Dr. Seth in the Media

2011-09-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

Check out Dr. Seth in USA Today's Your Life Guide to Men's Health: Special Fall Edition on newstands now!

Too Much Sex: When He Wants More Than You Do

2011-09-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

Though sex can be fun and enjoyable, it sure can cause a lot of problems in relationships!

One of the most commmon complaints I hear in my practice has to do with sex. Either someone isn't getting as much as desired, is being pressured to dish it out, or any other variations of the same problem. Recently, I gave a talk at a seminar and was approached at the seminar's end by a woman who was having a sexual problem of her own in her relationship.

"What am I supposed to do?" Sherry, the thirty-something woman with a colorful sundress and a big smile, asked me. "It seems like he wants it all the time, and it's never enough, no matter how often I give in."

The truth is that Sherry isn't alone. Many other women out there have husbands who want sex with great frequency, and the men sometimes use manipulative tactics to get what they want. Some men will try to make their wife feel bad, will get angry, or will even give their wife the silent treatment if they don't get what they want.

Okay, Rule # 1: Sex is voluntary. If you are in a relationship where your partner wants more sex than you are comfortable having, you have to have a sit-down chat and discuss the problem openly. State clearly how often you are comfortable having sex, and be clear that you can't be expected to have sex when it's not something that you want.

Now, having this conversation won't solve the problem completely; it simply starts the ongoing conversation you need to be having with your partner. The next thing you need to do is to either suggest seeing a couples therapist to help you, or take a trip to the bookstore and explore the self-help section for a book that will help - because there are many!

The takeaway message: Whatever you do, don't agree to sex when you're not feeling it. You deserve better than to throw yourself under the bus that way, stifling your feelings in order to please a man.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

2011-09-10T12:28:00.000-07:00

This one is oh so true!!!

If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang. ~Charley Reese

Start Meditating, Damn It!

2011-09-03T12:23:00.000-07:00

If you don't already meditate, I seriously encourage you to give it a try. Out of all of the techniques I have been trained in and use with clients, this is one of the ones that I see bringing some of the most positive results.

I know, I know: You can't calm down enough to do it? Well, the simple answer is that you must force yourself, even if just in increments of 60 seconds. Now, that's not so long, is it?

When you start meditating, seat yourself on the floor, sit up straight with the best possible posture, and take a few deep breaths. Don't worry about clearing your mind immediately, because that often only comes with tremendous practice over time. Simply picture a peaceful scene (the beach, a prairie, whatever it takes) to get yourself started.

Again, don't get yourself worked up in subscribing to the idea that you have to meditate for a full hour for it to make any difference - that's all B.S. Just put one foot in front of the other, and give it a super-short try! Finally, if you don't believe me, poll ten or so friends and ask of they have begun to incorporate meditation into their daily lives. Sooner or later, I guarantee you that you will find someone who swears by it.

P.S. If this is any consolation, I will admit that I, too, am working on developing this practice in my own life and am working my way up to five-minute sessions. Kinda sad, I know, but I'm certainly trying!

Time to Sob: How Do You Know When It's Time to End a Romantic Relationship?

2011-08-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

I have to start to with this: Ever heard Mary-Chapin Carpentar's song "Quittin' Time?" Well, if you haven't, YouTube it. You won't regret it. (And I won't digress any further by telling you that she was one of the best concerts I've ever been to).

Now, folks, let's get to the show. Knowing when to call it quits in love is difficult – and it can feel downright impossible. The truth is, however, that sometimes men and women make it more difficult and confusing than it needs to be. Understand that over-thinking anything can make a decision more complex. In this way, you can actually run interference in your own life. It’s a good rule of thumb to remind yourself that you should never get in your OWN way in making a decision. You should simply use your judgment and make the best decision possible.

One of the best ways to make sense of the past and learn from it is to detect patterns. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, how long have you been unhappy? Let’s go a step further and look at what makes you unhappy to see if there’s a pattern. First, are the issues behavioral (he comes home too late, disrespects you in public, etc.) or are the issues more reflective of personality traits (she lies to you, is overly dependent, etc.)?

Determine if there is a consistent pattern that is making you unhappy, and then determine whether the main problem is a behavior or personality factor. There is no time limit I can tell you that is healthy – no set measure that says give him “3 months to change or else!” However, the more conscious you are of the patterns - and whether they reflect behavioral or personality issues – the better you will be able to make a decision based on sound judgment. Sometimes when we can articulate the problem more clearly, we can have a better idea about how to proceed in the future. Most importantly, we can have a better sense of whether we see the problem remaining or changing.

In the end, remember that we have only one life to live that we know about. My hope is that you live this one as happily and fully as possible, and that you find a loving relationship that lasts.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

When Gorgeous Guys Date Unattractive Girls

2011-08-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

Before we get into this, I must confess: This issue drives me full-on bonkers, the kind of bonkers that has me pulling my hair out and stubbing my toe at the very same time. I'm talking about hearing-Katy-Perry-for-the millionth-time bonkers. (Sorry, Katy, but your music does push me over the edge).

Okay, back to the good stuff. I'm talking about the so-called phenomenon of a beautiful man dating or even marrying a so-called unattractive woman. I'm sure some examples come to mind, perhaps some famous or some in your very own neighborhood. In a nutshell, I can assure you that most people don't spend a lot of time - or even notice enough to remember and talk about it later -thinking about how and why such appearance discrepancies exist. And simply put, they shouldn't.

I deal with this issue with clients in my psychotherapy practice and in getting mail from readers of my book or blog. When someone comments on how it doesn't make sense why a gorgeous guy would be with an ugly girl, it tells me that this person places far too much importance on physical appearance. In other words, because the guy is attractive, he is seen as more valuable; the girl, meanwhile, is seen as less than because she is not attractive.

When I see couples together and note that one is markedly more attractive than the other, I imagine that the less attractive partner is probably pretty damn cool and interesting. Ever spoken to someone beautiful, by the way, who doesn't seem to have much going on upstairs? Great, you see my point.

I spend most of my time counseling clients and writing about relationship issues, and the bulk of it is spent trying to help people see that the characteristics they should be focusing on romantically are the internal ones - not the external. I'm talking about how committed, honest, and kind someone is. As long as you're focused on this, you'll be just fine.

Bottom Line: The next time you see a gorgeous guy with a girl you believe isn't his equal in the appearance department, remember that everyone's taste is different and that what matters the most is finding someone who is genuinely interesting and kind! And trust me, with each passing year, looks will matter less and less to you.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

'Picky' in Dating: You're Kidding Yourself!

2011-08-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've come across a handful of people in various settings who swear to me that they reason they don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend is because they're simply picky. When they say it, I might add, they say it in a way that that suggests that the problems is others - not themselves.

The truth is that people who are extremely picky in dating - I'm talking about nothing ever lasting longer than six months - are actually terrified of intimacy. Yet by telling themselves that they're picky, they make themselves feel better while simultaneously living in denial about the real problem: it's them and their distorted thinking!

Hey, let's be honest: You shouldn't be falling in love with every random person you meet for a dinner date, but you should be meeting someone who is GOOD ENOUGH. Picky people are living in fear and waste their time daydreaming about Mr. or Miss Perfection who supposedly arrives one day at the doorstep. If this is you, give up the fantasies (as the Brits like to say) straight away. If this is your friend, co-worker, or family member, gently help them see the error of their ways. If you don't have the stomach for confrontation, send them to my blog and they'll get the hint pretty quickly!

Evil: Does It Really Exist in Humans?

2011-08-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago, a television news story stirred in me a very fundamental question: Does evil truly exist in human beings? The specific story to which I’m referring was entitled “Katie’s Story,” a story on ABC News’ 20/20. The program highlighted the heinous crime London model Katie Piper suffered in March of 2008, and documented her subsequent recovery process. Simply put, Katie met and briefly dated the wrong man, and he ultimately sought revenge when she rejected him. The nature of the revenge was truly out of this world: he paid someone to throw sulfuric acid into her face – the very face, of course, that was her moneymaker as a model.

In discussing the news story with a friend, my friend was quick to diagnose the man’s problem: pure evil. Yet attributing such a sensationalistic trait to this behavior – evil – seemed insufficient and almost untrue. Of course, it goes without saying that paying a hit man to destroy another person’s face is horrendous. Think, for a moment, about the repercussions: months and even years of corrective surgeries only to look like a perfect cross between somewhat disfigured and somewhat normal. Moreover, just imagine what this kind of trauma does to the psyche. I’m not sure if years of therapy can ever undo that kind of trauma.

Switching focus back to the perpetrator, what truly motivates such asinine behavior? As a clinical psychologist, I’m guessing that I would lose my license as a practicing shrink if I ever labeled someone evil or wrote that description on a clinical form describing a patient’s psychological makeup. Yet the clinically equivalent label – Antisocial Personality Disorder – exists and fairly describes a minuscule portion of the population. Does this term fit with Katie Piper’s perpetrator?

The reality of this complex issue is that diagnosing him would require a trained clinician to assess him over a period of time, taking into account his history and his current perceptions and state of mind. In terms of what motivated Katie Piper’s perpetrator, I would not ascribe the root of the problem to evil. However, I would – without the need for further assessment or investigation – deem the root to be mental illness, and further assessment would need to clarify the diagnostic specifics.

The distinction between attributing horrific human behavior to evil or attributing it to mental illness is important. If we label the motivation ‘evil,’ we label it with no true understanding of what goes on inside the mind of the perpetrator and we (perhaps callously?) move on. Such labels are seductive because they provide us with a quick, easy explanation, rendering it unnecessary to get weighed down by the complexities. If we label the motivation ‘mental illness,’ we leave some room to try to understand the perpetrator. While such an understanding does not issue a pass or an excuse, it acknowledges the complexity that underlies human behavior. In particular, viewing this man’s hateful behavior through the lens of mental illness causes us to dig more deeply to consider just how powerfully a person can experience rejection – so powerfully, in fact, that it can cause one to induce disfiguring bodily harm to a former lover.

Picture this man as a young boy: Do you believe three-year-old boys, for example, can be evil? The sad truth is that children are often kind and innocent until something terrible happens to them, and they later develop defense mechanisms to protect their own fragile egos. Ultimately, understanding the psychological roots of heinous crimes is not about Katie Piper’s perpetrator, but about how much we as a society are willing to acknowledge just how wounded we can be and the lengths to which a lover scorned will sometimes go to redeem himself and to undo the injury his own ego suffered. The next time that you hear about a horrific crime, I offer this note: think twice before calling the criminal evil. After all, I know that my friend is not entirely unique in the primal, gut reaction he had to a truly horrific crime.

Sexual Insecurities: They Can Kill Your Relationship

2011-08-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

I'm putting out an All-Points-Bulletin for those of you who have sexual insecurities: It's time to deal with them so that you don't ruin your romantic relationship.

Before I go further, let me be clear that everyone has some sort of sexual insecurity. For some, they might feel that they've gained a bit too much weight, while others might feel insecure about their ability to achieve an orgasm. Understandably, the human body is complex, and some of the running dialogue in your head during sex might make things more difficult. Yet when we're talking about the potential to destroy your relationship, we're talking about MAJOR sexual insecurities.

You might be surprised how many people don't have sex at all with their husband or wife - or, at least, do so very rarely - because of one sexual insecurity or another. For example, a man might feel so insecure about his inability to get an erection that he decides it's easier to avoid sex altogether. Similarly, a woman might feel that the effects of age or giving birth has changed her body and made it less attractive, so she may continually resist her husband's sexual advances.

Bottom line: To function as a happy and fulfilled couple, you should be engaging in some sort of sexual intimacy on a fairly regular basis - even if that's just once per month. Sure, if you're reaching your later years, you get a get-out-of-jail-free-card, but most people struggling with sexual problems in their relationships are much younger than that.

If you or your partner are prisoner to major sexual insecurities, the first thing you need to do is to have The Conversation. Do it in a relaxed environment so that neither of you feel stressed. Next, if the problem is yours, ask your partner how he or she has felt as a result, apologize, and make a commitment to change. If the problem is your partner's, explain how this has affected you and ask what your partner is willing to do to change.

Starting the dialogue is the most important behavior in the chain of behaviors that lead to change. Once you've started the conversation, ask a friend or your physician for a referral for couples therapy (if you have the money or the insurance required) or take yourself to the bookstore and search the self-help section for a good book. I can tell you that there are many good books out there, and one of them is Harville Hendrix' Getting the Love You Want.

Whatever you do, don't do NOTHING! You have to deal with your problems as an adult if you want to know
real happiness.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Internet Dating: The Numbers Are Stunning!

2011-08-03T12:17:00.000-07:00

In the July 4 issue of The New Yorker,
there was a multi-page article on the state of internet dating today. The article summed up a few facts that reflect how shockingly common internet dating has become.

For example, in 2010, author Nick Paumgarten reports that fee-based dating Websites grossed over a billion dollars. Wow, those are some numbers. In addition, a study from Match.com found that meeting online is now the third most common way for people to meet, behind meeting through work/school (first place) and through friends/family (second place). Finally, the author reports that one in six new marriages is the result of meeting through Internet dating sites.

Okay, okay, I know that we shouldn’t be that surprised. In fact, odds are that you know a handful of people who have explored these waters, if you haven’t done so yourself. As a psychologist who specializes in relationships, I am in full support of people meeting online as long as they are CAREFUL in doing so.

Quick Rules: Never, ever invite someone you meet on the internet to your home on the first date or two. Let someone you trust know where you are going on your dates early in the dating process. Finally, spend your early dates in very public places to protect yourself. There may be no reason to worry, but you can never be too careful.

Oh, and don’t forget: Try to have some fun. Dating, after all, is supposed to be enjoyable! As much as you can, try to let yourself relax and laugh a little.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Read This Book: "CLEAN" by Alejandro Junger

2011-08-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

With this book, it was love at first cover. I loved it: a white cover with a glass of water, and the promising words "Remove, Restore, Rejuvenate." But the best news is that the book actually backs up the glossy cover with substance.

I must say that I love books written by physicians, and Clean marks no exception to that. Currently a New York Times bestseller, the book esssentially advocates a detoxifying cleansing program in which your body learns to listen to itself and begin feeding it what it really needs to be in balance.

Included in Junger’s Cleanse plan is consideration of allergens and irritants in one’s diet, reminding readers that “some of the most common foods in the American diet have hidden irritating effects” (p.152). Most of all, readers may appreciate the Clean Recipes that fill pages 235-282, including fish and vegetarian recipes, among others.

Enjoy the wisdom this book offers, and use it as a springboard to look at your life and make the changes you need to make you feel happier, healthier, and - yes - cleaner.

How to Find a Wife: It's Like a "Greatest Hits" CD

2011-07-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

"I think it might be over with me and my girlfriend."

At a seminar where I recently spoke, a man came up to me after I spoke and asked for a little advice. He told me his situation and explained that he was afraid that his days were numbered with his girlfriend, and shared in detail his feeling that he somehow failed and should have found The One by this point in time.

While I can understand the cruddy feelings that come with a potential breakup, I told him that his perception of the relationship overall was skewed. The truth, I told him, is that each relationship is supposed to teach you something important that will lead you to The One. If you haven't yet found it, it means that you may have another relationship or two to go through before you figure out which kind of person you truly need.

A relationship ending is never a failure - it's all about the learning experience. A wife, I explained, is like a Greatest Hits CD, a combination of the best parts of the various women he's been with in the past. Sadly for the man who approached me at the seminar, it turned out that his soon-to-be ex would turn out to be just a song on the album of his life, rather than the full CD that he wanted to listen to for years to come.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Moms: Why You Need to Learn to Ask for HELP!

2011-07-25T21:29:00.000-07:00

Because moms provide the fuel that makes the world go 'round, moms are extra susceptible to burnout. As a clinical psychologist in private practice, I have learned the hard way about burnout – giving can be wonderful, but it can also be draining. Moms have unique struggles, often carrying the burden of raising the children and running the household, and often even having paying jobs outside the home. I am offering some suggestions to help lessen your load a little so that you can reduce your own burnout.

How often do you ask for help in your daily routine? You’ve got ten million things to do, and you may feel like being a ‘good’ mom means that you should be doing it all yourself. More than that, you may feel that you should be doing it well. I have learned in my own life to use the following mantra and to repeat it to myself throughout the day: “Something always has to give.” When you feel overloaded, try coming up with an expression – a mantra – that you can say to yourself to silence what I call your HIGH STANDARDS DEMONS.

The reality is that everyone – supermoms included – has a breaking point. You can get tired and run-down, stressed about money and how the children are doing, and worried about how you’ll keep up with everything you’ve got to do. The important point is to know that you have limits and learn to realize when you’re reaching your own boiling point. The boiling point often coincides with feeling particularly tired, stressed, or irritable. When you’ve reached this point, it’s time to ask for help.

The first order of business is to call a family meeting. Explain to your family – even the little ones you’re responsible for – that you are run-down and need a little extra help to get you through this phase. You can tell your husband or partner the details, and explain in simple terms to your children that you need a little break. With little kids, say something like “Mom has been doing so much that she feels really tired.” This is an important life lesson that you are teaching your children – that you are human and that everyone has limits. In your family meeting, ask your family what they can do to pitch in a little extra with some of the chores and obligatins. Ask your husband if he wouldn’t mind doing the grocery shopping for the next two weeks, or if he can put the kids to bed a couple nights or help with homework so that you can have some down time and take a bath.

In addition to your family, call a couple friends and ask if they can help you out a little for the time being. Assure them that you will return the favor when they get a little run-down, too. Ask a friend if she can pick the kids up at school a day or two this week, or ask a friend if she can drop off some food at your house for dinner. Again, something always has to give.

Thinking longer term, it might be a good idea to start a carpool with other moms if you haven’t done so already. If you already have a carpool set up, it might be worth considering adding another mom or two to the carpool list. Make a deal with a friend that if both of you have to make some cupcakes for an event, you’ll switch off with that responsibility so that each of you doesn’t have to bake for every single event.

Finally, when was the last time you asked an extended family member – parent, sibling, whomever – to come stay with the kids for the weekend so that you and your husband can take a weekend off and recharge your batteries? If it’s been a while, get out your daily planner and start setting it up.

Moms, you deserve a break. The problem is that nobody is going to hand it to you on a platter, so you need to put the word out that it’s time for you to get a little help.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

DR. SETH'S RELATIONSHIP & LOVE ADVICE: When Someone You Love Is...Bipolar

2011-07-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

DR. SETH'S RELATIONSHIP & LOVE ADVICE: When Someone You Love Is...Bipolar: "Bipolar Disorder is one of the most severe mental disorders a person could have. The lives of those suffering from it are hugely impacted by..."

When Someone You Love Is...Bipolar

2011-07-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

Bipolar Disorder is one of the most severe mental disorders a person could have. The lives of those suffering from it are hugely impacted by it. While other disorders, such as depression and anxiety, often work in cycles or waves, Bipolar Disorder requires constant, vigilant management. The disorder is typically managed by daily medication and talk therapy.

The trademark of Bipolar Disorder is

a major mood imbalance. The person may go from depressed to a manic state, or may experience other shifts in mood that affect the person's ability to function. People who have Bipolar Disorder often have a hard time sleeping. It's not unusual for someone unmedicated with this disorder to be up for two or three days straight because their mind and body simply won't let them sleep.

How do these symptoms affect the loved ones of these people? It has an effect. Parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers see these individuals pass between depression and mania, and they see what a toll it takes on them. One of the realities for the loved ones is they begin to understand that they cannot expect the person to always be consistent; they know the mood and behavior can significantly change.

The situation is more difficult when the loved ones aren't ware of what the problem is. Watching the moods shift can be confusing. If the loved ones don't understand how the disorder works, they can get caught in a cycle of trying to figure out why the person changes so much. Know that if someone's mood appears to change a lot more than yours, they probably have a mood disorder. Just as Depression is one example of a mood disorder, Bipolar Disorder is another.

The situation is often the most difficult for the loved ones who live in the same house as the person with Bipolar Disorder. The reason for this is because the sufferer goes through major mood 'spells' and the sufferer himself or herself feels overwhelmed and often feels a loss of control as a result. This mood shift often spills over to others, and this can set the tone for the mood in the entire house. Loved ones can find themselves walking on eggshells because they never know what to expect next.

In addition, when the sufferer goes into a manic cycle, the inability to sleep can disrupt the whole house. If you share a bed with the person, you may wake up at 4 a.m. and wonder where that person is. You may be further upset when you find that he or she has been up for the third night in a row, unable to lay in bed and sleep. Even if you don't share the bed, that person may be up making noise in the middle of the night and may keep others in the house awake.

Overall, loving someone with Bipolar Disorder creates fear and anxiety in the loved ones. The loved ones learn that medication often does a good job managing the symptoms, so the loved ones become extra cautious and almost parental: "Did you take your medication today?" Though the loved ones would prefer not to worry about this, they know what happens when the sufferer goes off his or her meds.

One of the most helpful things you can do if you have a loved one with this disorder is to find a friend who has a loved one with this disorder, too, or find a therapist with whom you can discuss how this affects you. Though you may try to believe you're fine and you have made the best of the situation, talking things out may help reduce your own frustration and anxiety.

Finally, there is a wonderful organization called NAMI. You can find it easily online. The organization offers groups in many communities in which you can meet others who have loved ones with mental illness, and you can also work with others to advocate for greater understanding of mental illness.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

5 Simple Dating Tips

2011-07-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

Let's be honest for a minute, okay? Dating isn’t always easy or comfortable for anyone. The dating process can get complicated because it’s easy to get entrapped by your own insecurities or to cross paths with an unkind or rude date who holds no punches in turning you off or doing something to annoy the you-know-what out of you. Yet these simple tips will help make dating easier and keep you feeling comfortable so that you protect your own ego en route to finding the partner who’s a good match for you!

Tip # 1
Keep realistic expectations. Don’t approach a date with the mindset that you will meet “The One.” This is magical thinking. Your date could possible turn into that terrific partner but it will take time to get to that realization. Again, be realistic!

Tip # 2
Plan dates around activities that you like to do. Feel free to suggest activities and environments that suit you – the worst that could happen is that your date says “no.” The bottom line is that you can be most yourself when you feel comfortable and at ease. If you’re an outdoors person, suggest a walk in a park or walk around an outdoor mall. If you like quiet or intimate places, check out a restaurant that serves the type of cuisine you like. Being yourself = engaging in activities that reflect your interests.

Tip # 3
Don’t schedule the usual dinner and a movie. The reality is that you might not want to hang out with your date for four hours if there’s little or no spark between the two of you. Suggest an activity that takes about an hour, and give yourself permission to call it an early night if you’re not feeling the connection. Don’t fall into the guilt trap – nobody ever defined in a textbook how long a date should last! You are a co-writer of the rules.

Tip # 4
Don’t go out of your comfort zone in the early stages of dating. You don’t have to meet your date’s family or his or her huge group of friends if you’d rather get to know your date first. Nobody wants to be judged and surveyed, and meeting groups of people all at once is the surest way to invite this kind of uncomfortable attention.

Tip # 5
Never, ever agree to plans that you don’t think you’ll follow up on after the date is over. If your date really likes you, he or she may try to set something up for next time: “Let’s go there next time – you want to?” Let yourself feel free to say “maybe” but don’t fall into saying “yes, sure” when you don’t mean it. Finally, at the end of the date, don’t feel that you have to say “I’ll call you tomorrow or next week.” In such cases, it’s more honest to say “Nice to meet you and have a good night.”

Ultimately, remember that dating is risky business and that it can sometimes be unpleasant when you meet the wrong match for dinner or a drink. That said, keeping these simple tips in mind will make the journey a little smoother!

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

GUEST BLOGGER Sarah Nean Bruce: Modern Women

2011-07-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

Modern Women consider etiquette during dating and beyond. There are taboo topics and misbehaviors that annoy and turn off both women and men.

They don’t want to hear about the “eX” and how much he dislikes her or how she’s poisoned his friends or his kids or his boss or his dog. They think men might badmouth them that way if things don’t work out. They don’t want to hear about how his mother ruined his life, or didn’t care for him or that she loved him too much. Modern Women often equate how a man treats, and speaks about, his mother as an indicator of how he will deal with them.

In the beginning, they don’t want to know how much money a man has lost in the real estate market or the stock market or a business. Or how bad the economy is treating him or how bad business is for him. They don’t want constant mentions of how stressed he is and his fear about a lack of money or paid work, or that he needs to get these clients or gigs or sales. Modern Women are not gold diggers, but they want security as much as men do. Equally, they don’t want men who are gold diggers and looking for Ms. Moneybags to facilitate the guy becoming a kept-man to live the life of Riley and total leisure.

They don’t want men to apologize for living in a small house or condominium or apartment. Nor do they need to hear that they want to get that big house again like the one they had when they were married. They don’t want men to make excuses for their residence, their CB2 furniture, or their work in the home office since they had to shut down their big office.

Conversely, Modern Women don’t want to hear how much money the men have or how many sports cars or SUVs or hybrids they own. They like men who are successful, assertive and self-assured, but they don’t like boasters and show-offs. On the other hand, they definitely don’t want men who are narcissists, posers, interlopers, opportunists, freeloaders, con artists, chico espartos, or couch-surfers.

Many Modern Women date within, or above, their financial class because they want a partner who has the similar goals and aspirations. They have read that an artist and a scientist can both be motivated and enthusiastic about their work and have tons of things in common but they also are realistic that it can be hard when a modern woman is financially more successful than her man because it’s societal, it’s social and it’s psychological. It doesn’t mean that a relationship is impossible, it just means Modern Women recognize paradoxical challenges of the 21st Century.

Modern Women don’t want men to flood over them like a tidal wave of too many communiqués and too many calls that hint of a quiet desperation to keep them monopolized, attracted and distracted while men evaluate potential or financial portfolios.

They want men to make the dinner plans and know that women won’t change those plans that took time to make. Modern Women enjoy men who will plan and make them dinner, or go to the gourmet food store to gather a dinner. Modern Women want men to know that they appreciate it and will say thank you after that dinner date planned, or made or gathered for them.

Modern Women believe that developing a deep connection takes time. They want to know if they’re physically and intimately compatible with each other and maybe even by the third week, around the third of fourth date, they will explore that. They definitely don’t like men who try to make them feel bad about wanting to use protection (condom) during intimate relations. And they really don’t want to be with men who are sleeping around.

Modern women know that early on there are bonding behaviors that intensify a relationship. They like to enjoy the quixotic ride a bit. They like to have the benefit of that romantic, electrifying bonding period.

Dr. Seth: Featured in USA Today

2011-07-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

I was thrilled to be interviewed for a story in USA Today that will appear in the next couple of weeks. I will post a link when the story is published!

Never Say "'Til Death Do Us Part..."

2011-07-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

Recently I was socializing with a couple who has been together for a few years. During our conversation, the couple declared without hesitation that they would be together forever. The degree of certainty with which they spoke could have only been grammatically captured with three exclamation points.

Perhaps I should have held my tongue, but I tried to gently express my surprise: How can you be so sure? Each member of the couple agreed that they’d never felt such a profound connection, and they insisted they could never recreate this kind of connection with someone else.

I though for a moment about a scene I remember from what might be the Madonna documentary “Truth Or Dare” years ago (if memory serves me correct). I recall her saying something dismissive to the effect of “I’ve already met everybody,” speaking about people she did not know and did not need to know. At the time, I felt profound pity for anyone who would make such a spiritless and ignorant comment. Though I have much greater respect for the couple I’m talking about, I was similarly shocked about the idea that people can speak with such certainty about the unknown – as if life is so predictable.

Not that there is a right answer in terms of how a couple should answer such a question, but I do believe it’s impossible to know how each of us will change and how that change could affect the dynamic we have in our existing relationships. It seems to me that it is perfectly normal to hope that you will be with your current partner forever. However, it seems abnormal to predict the future.

If you find yourself falling prey to extreme opinions about how your future will unfold, it is important to ask yourself if you are truly operating from a place of fear. After all, you may hope that you are together forever, but only time will tell the truth.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Dr. Seth: On the Radio

2011-07-07T19:03:00.000-07:00

Check me out on Seattle's KKNW radio station today on the Marie Manuchehri Show. I'll be on for the full hour talking about relationship problems and taking calls from listeners - my favorite!

Staying Friends After Divorce: Why It's So Important

2011-07-05T19:47:00.000-07:00

Let's face it: romantic love often comes to an end. The theory goes that relationships end because the love ends, meaning that one or both members of the couple fall out of love. The reasons why they fall out of love inevitably vary. While some people's careers or professional obligations may draw them away from their relationship, others experience betrayal they can't forget or move past. Some lovers simply change and grow apart, and realize they were not meant to be together. One of the most perplexing realities is what often comes with divorce.

Most of you have probably had the experience of witnessing the forced encounter of two people who were once married in the past but who seem to have almost no connection with each other. I always wonder, Are you sure you were ever married? Many good songwriters have captured the melancholia and mystery that comes with the demise of a romantic union. I'm thinking of Carly Simon, for example, who sang the song "Coming Around Again" in which she sings "so good on paper, so romantic, but so bewildering."

When a relationship goes south and a couple decides to separate, what happens to the love? Does it truly die?

Based on my clinical work over the years, I've found that the love never truly dies, no matter what came between the two individuals. It seems more likely that the love remains but is repressed to defend against strong, unpleasant feelings underneath. When you see two people who treat each other as strangers but who were once married, you don't see the love on the surface, but it's there - only in repressed form. You see the manifestation of the anger, sadness, or denial, but it covers strong feelings underneath. You can't simply love someone day after day and ever truly stop loving that person.

You surrender to denial if you can't accept that there is a part of you that still loves and misses that person, even if it's only the most miniscule part of you. Music comes to mind again as I think of Whitney Houston singing "...and if somebody loves you, won't they always love you?" The answer, in a word, is yes, though some will go to the grave denying it.

It is rare, it seems, that couples are able to hold onto a friendship and remain close while still moving on after the divorce. I am always impressed when I see couples who manage to stay friends, as it takes strength in character and an understanding of the bigger picture to rise above the hurt. While we can't do much to change the state of affairs in other couples, you can reflect on your own relationship.

If you are single, reflect on what you hope for in your next relationship. If you're looking for a partner who is also your best friend, think in advance about what you can do now to make sure that you never have to see an ex and treat him or her like a stranger.

At the end of the day, the real goal in life must be to integrate all of the various parts that make up who you are: your feelings, motivations, beliefs, and dreams. Though some of them may not be pretty, or may not make perfect sense, all of them together reflect who you are. Too often, men and women end relationships and feel that they made a mistake in choosing the partner they committed to in the past because the relationship didn't work. But such a perspective betrays the bigger picture, that relationships are one of life's greatest classrooms, and it's within this conext that we figure out what we need and learn how to move closer to true fulfillment.

Barring cases of abuse, learning to forge a friendship with your ex after divorce can be a truly healing experience and allows for an important integration of your past with the present.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Not All Couples Should Live Together!

2011-06-29T08:31:00.001-07:00

In my private practice in Los Angeles, a client and I discussed whether she is truly cut out to live with her boyfriend. Though she has lived with her boyfriend for many years, she has also reached a point in the relationship where she has realized the relationship might not be meeting her needs. She talked about how there was little intimacy between the two of them, and explained that their interests and values had diverged over the years.

My client described her daily routines and explained that she likes to spend a lot of her time alone - she's not prone to loud social gatherings and doesn't need to be in the company of others 24/7.

I asked my client a simple question: Why did the two of you ever decide to move in together in the first place?

My client paused for a minute or so - the question seemed so basic. However, my client realized this was not something she ever really thought about. Like Carly Simon sang in the 70's, that's the way she's always heard it should be. Couples live together - that's just what you do.

Herein lies the problem: Living together is not for everyone. I know a terrific couple who have been together for many years and maintain separate homes to this day. If you are single and not planning on having children, I strongly encourage you to consider this issue - let's stop keeping up with the Joneses and make sure you are doing what is best for you.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

How to Have Good Sex Always

2011-06-25T04:50:00.000-07:00

Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions. - Deepak Chopra

I must confess that I know little about Deepak Chopra, though I found this quote that I came across to be quite true. Let’s hope that someone who has become as successful as Deepak has, at least, a little wisdom, right?!

If you think about some of the "good" sex that you’ve had, you were probably feeling extremely emotional at the time. For some people, good sex involves feeling deeply in love, while for others, it involves feeling wild, naughty, or even connecting with darker emotions surrounding dominance or submission fantasies. Regardless of which end of that spectrum your good sex would fall on, Deepak is right that all of these emotions signify emotional freedom. In other words, there is no one fixed way to have sex, so the consenting partners have a blank slate onto which they can create whatever they want. After a long week at work, the last thing anyone needs is one more experience in which they feel bored or unstimulated.

What Deepak says about bad sex is quite true, as well. If you think about some of the “bad sex” you’ve had, it’s probably because you were feeling emotionally disconnected, bored, or preoccupied. In other words, having an unsatisfying sexual experience suggests that you even though you were having sex, it’s not something that you truly wanted to do – it’s more like going through the motions.

In my practice with clients, I always encourage them to take their emotional temperature at the start of a sexual interaction. If you feel a little off that day and don’t really want to connect in that way with your partner, your date, whomever –make the conscious choice to not have sex.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

EMOTIONAL Infidelity: No Sex, But Equally Hurttful

2011-06-23T00:14:00.001-07:00

When it comes to sex and relationships, potential problems are constantly brewing for couples. Though some may have a slightly different definition of what qualifies as infidelity, most people seem to believe that it involves sexual or physical betrayal. This type of betrayal is incredibly painful for the partner who has been cheated on, and countless self-help books discuss ways to cope with this kind of hurtful event when it penetrates a romantic union.

Yet what often gets lost in the discussion of infidelity is attention to emotional infidelity and the ugly ways in which it can plant seeds of doubt and dismantle a relationship. In discussing emotional infidelity, I'm not talking about finding out that your partner follows pornographic websites or is connecting with others somewhere in sexual cyberspace. (Cut to Anthony Weiner). Even though those partners may not be having actual sex - or even ever meet - the nature of the infidelity is still sexual.

Emotional infidelity refers to behavior that one partner engages in that fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now with someone else, and sometimes promotes the possibility of sexual intimacy in the future. Many people maintain secret or semi-secret friendships when there is a clear mutual interest or attraction, while others may not be interested but encourage others' interest in them for the sake of boosting their own ego or distracting themselves from a sense of boredom with their partner.

The sad reality is that emotional infidelity is often totally hidden to the extent that you may not know if and when your partner is emotionally cheating. Because the connection is not sexually based, there are fewer opportunities to detect the infidelity. For example, when there's no need for a hotel room, it's difficult for anyone to find proof of the betrayal upon review of a credit card bill tossed in the trash.

Many articles and books issue tips on how to tell you if your partner is cheating, but what are the tips to tell you if your partner is emotionally cheating? The truth is that it is very difficult to tell - in some cases, next to impossible. The best indicator is to consider the character of your partner and to ask yourself how much you truly trust his or her integrity. How loyal is your partner to his or her friends? To his or her job? To his or her family? Is there a history of unfaithfulness in any form in the past?

Ultimately, we all have strong instincts that guide us. Your instincts, like your conscious mind, will find it a challenge to tell if someone is emotionally cheating on you, but they will easily tell you whether your partner is inherently trustworthy or, conversely, prone to infidelity. It never hurts to discuss this issue with your partner so that you can be sure you have the same definition of infidelity. Check in with your partner today about what he or she considers cheating. Rather than ask in a dective-like manner, mention that you read an article that highlights how men and women often have different definitions, and offer up the topic for discussion. (Perhaps, in the end, how he or she responds to the topic will speak volumes). Ultimately, to function happily as a couple, your agreed upon definition of cheating must include both emotional and sexual components.

Finally, years of working with couples have shown me that couples often wait until they're in a trouble spot to discuss uncomfortable issues, and the issue of emotional infidelity marks no exception. In my clinical work ,I always say that the best time to discuss problems is completely counterintuitive: Do it when things are going well to prevent a major battle later.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Vacation Is...Just Plain Awesome

2011-06-20T23:51:00.000-07:00

I'm on the Amalfi Coast in Italy for a good friend's wedding, and there are few things as beautiful as this coastal town!

When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Cope

2011-06-20T23:47:00.001-07:00

Loving someone with mental illness is one of the most challenging experiences a person can have. More attention is always paid to the individual suffering with the mental illness than the loved one, and this is understandable. However, far too often we neglect just how difficult the experience can be for the loved ones. As with addiction, mental illness affects everyone in its path. Depression can be confusing for loved ones to understand, particularly if the loved ones have not experienced depression themselves.

Trademark symptoms of depression include a loss of energy and loss of interest in doing things the person normally enjoys doing. Appetite and sleep are often affected, as is the ability to function in everyday life.

Loved ones who don’t understand depression can fall into judgment (“Why don’t they just get over it?”) or can take things personally (“Is it something I’m doing that's making them unhappy?”). The most important thing to do when you love someone with depression is to learn about the disorder. Research depression online, and ask your friends whether they have experienced depression or have loved someone who had depression. You would be surprised how many people have been affected by depression, either directly or indirectly.

Once you know more about the disorder, you will know you should not judge it and that you should not take it personally. Understand that depression often works in a cyclical manner, which means that the depression will often lift, at least somewhat, in the future. Finally, talk to your loved one and confide in that person that this is a disorder you are learning about so that you can provide support for him or her.

At the end of the day, depression is awful but knowing how to navigate it can make it a whole lot easier to bear.

PLUS: This excerpt is from Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Independent Vs. Codependent Couples: Which Would You Rather Be?

2011-06-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

Call me an overly analytical psychologist, but one of the things I find fascinating is seeing how many different kinds of couples there are. Couples have all different kinds of relationship dynamics, and you can often see them on the surface when you socialize with them.

One thing that has always struck me is watching how couples vary in terms of how much they socialize together and how much they socialize apart. You know some couples where you almost never see one without the other, while you can think of another couple where the opposite is true. Is there a 'right' level of independence couples should have? How much is too much time to spend together? What is an unhealthy level of independence in a couple?

Usually, any therapist will tell you there is no 'right' way to be about anything. In this case, I disagree somewhat. I think there is a bit of a right answer. While I acknowledge that there is a spectrum, I also acknowledge that people lose themselves (their interests, ambitions, and uniqueness) when they spend all their time with one person. You can't fuse with another and expect to remain a separate entity. You need to have some level of independence within a couple to be healthy. This does not include going to work! Yes, that is time apart, but not time by choice. Couples who eat together, sleep together, go to church together, do everything socially together, blah, blah, blah, make me nervous.

In my clinical work, I have found that couples who do everything together secretly feel claustrophobic in the relationship and wish they had a little more breathing room. The claustrophobic feelings later morph into other problems and the relationship starts going south. If you are in a relationship, why not use this opportunity to have a discussion with your partner and ask him or her about their thoughts on this issue? Sometimes opening up the discussion can help people feel more free to elaborate when the discussion topic gets a little uncomfortable.

PLUS: This excerpt is from Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

The Window Technique: A Personality Test

2011-06-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

As part of my doctoral training in clinical psychology, I learned how to administer and conduct a wide range of psychological tests. Among them, I studied the Rorschach Inkblot Test, otherwise known simply as the inkblot test, which you may have seen or heard about.

In my final year of graduate school, I taught a testing lab of first-year doctoral students and reviewed with them the complex interpretation of the inkblot test. It is astonishing – the complexity of the variables involved in the test’s interpretation. In training the students how to interpret the test, I noticed that the students were not capturing the essences of the patients whom the students tested. The students had the tendency to get lost in the jargon as they wrote their interpretation reports and lost sight of the patients’ overall personalities.

Ultimately, I had the most success in helping the students to paint a three-dimensional picture of a patient when I asked them to employ a tactic I conceived of called The Window Technique. To encourage them to flesh out their impressions of the personalities they were working with, I told my students to ask themselves the questions listed below about their patients. For the purposes of this exercise, the questions are directed at you.

Questions to Consider

1. If someone looked at you through a window and saw you in a room with someone, what might you be doing?

2. What might this window observer guess your mood is like? Would you likely be laughing and smiling, or appear depressed and angry? Would you be moving about or sitting still?

3. If someone looking through the window were to x-ray your brain and find out what you were thinking, what is an example of a thought you might be thinking?

4. If the person looking through the window were asked how happy or fulfilled you were overall in your life, what might this person say?

PLUS: This excerpt is from Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

When Things Get Ugly: How to Manage Conflict

2011-06-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

No matter how hard you try, conflict will arise sooner or later in any long-term relationship you have. Whether the relationship is personal or professional, it is inevitable that two people will butt heads at some point. How you handle the conflict is a testament to your level of awareness of your role in the conflict.

The easiest way to escalate a conflict is to attack the other person. Understand that you don’t have to verbally attack someone for that person to feel attacked. You can make the most subtle statement, but if it is passive-aggressive it will be interpreted as an attack.

Many therapists emphasize the importance of “I” statements during a conflict. They assert that stating how you feel can never be misconstrued as an attack. There is some truth to this, but I think it is a little remedial to suggest that starting your sentences with “I” is going to solve everything. I think people are smarter than this and capable of going one step further.

The best way to handle a conflict, I believe, is to lay your goal out on the table, and remind the person you are talking to that you have the same goal. “We both want this to work, so let’s try to figure out a way to make that happen.” The reason this is critical is that many conflicts end up turning into power struggles between two people.

Power struggles never work. You need to do what you can to take power out of the equation, and make sure that each of you feels safe to come to a resolution together. It helps to say things like “these might be my issues, but…” or “I know I can sometimes be difficult so…” These proclamations are important because they throw the issue of power and control out the window. Acknowledging that you are not perfect and that you simply want to make things work can make the other person feel more comfortable and more amenable to a resolution.

In the end, we catch more flies with honey. Remember to see that person as an ally when problems arise and you will find yourself managing conflict much better as a result.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Why You Hate Dating: 2 Reasons

2011-05-31T17:22:00.000-07:00

"I love unicorns. How about you?"

Oh, dating. There's really nothing quite like it. Conventional wisdom tells us that dating can be downright treacherous, and your own experience with this supposed one-eyed monster might confirm that. The truth is that most people are terrible at dating, hating every minute of it and wishing they could find The One...and STAT! If you hate dating, it usually boils down to two factors, one of which is obvious; the other of which is not.

The obvious factor is anxiety, a dirty, weasel-like state that makes men and women alike want to crawl out of their skin as they sit across from a stranger and try to pretend they're perfectly at ease. What's the anxiety about? Simply put, it's about the dreaded pauses, as well as the rote questions people feel compelled to ask each other upon first meeting.

The most common report among men and women fresh from the battlefield -- er, a date, I mean -- is that the social awkwardness puts the kibosh on the fun factor. In other words, everyone hates the uncomfortable pauses and usual questions: "So, where are you from? How many brothers and sisters do you have?" If this is true, daters might need to mix it up a bit. To that end, an experience I had this weekend taught me a lesson. I watched the film "Lost in Translation," starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson. It occurred to me that these two strangers, both guests at a Tokyo hotel, had several conversations before either asked the other The Basics. By avoiding the predictable questions, the characters developed a relationship more organically which, in turn, lowered their anxiety.

The less obvious factor that causes most men and women to hate dating is impatience -- and, wow, is patience a virtue in the relationship department! The primary reason why impatience is a problem when it comes to dating is the fact that it often causes men and women to attach too quickly to someone who isn't good for them, all for the sake of removing the negative stimulus (dating) as soon as possible. Bottom line: most people seem to hate feeling cast adrift in the dating pool.

If you know someone who is good at dating, my guess is that said individual tends to be more patient. These rare individuals often actually enjoy the process, as they're able to focus on the bigger picture: On a date, you're not at work, you're (most likely) in an enjoyable atmosphere, and you stand the chance of meeting either a new friend or romantic partner. That doesn't sound so bad, does it?

So, the keys to dating are quite simple: Refocus your attention on things that matter, enjoy the process, and work on becoming more comfortable with the uncertainty of how things will go. In conversation, try avoiding The Basics ("Where were you born?") in favor of more thoughtfully picked questions which get to the essence of who your date really is. Ultimately, the more patient and the less anxious you are, the more likely you will be to be yourself, feel happy, and find a yummy match.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

“Gold-Digger” Is the New “Bitch”

2011-05-24T20:05:00.000-07:00

Let’s face it: some words are ugly. Among the hundreds of thousands of words that fill the average English-language dictionary, a few, in particular, tend to incite the masses due to their incendiary associations. One such word is “bitch,” a term that historically was highly taboo but which has largely been co-opted by the mainstream over time as a less harmful term. Consider for a moment Joy Behar yelling “skinny bitch!” on ABC’s The View, or any number of popular songs or books in recent years that have succeeded in making the word less of a curse word than it was in the past.

I’ve noticed several consequences of the more frequent usage of the b- word in everyday life as playful or humorous, as opposed to nasty and derogatory. First, let’s consider its usage by women. For example, it’s not uncommon to overhear a group of twenty-something women at a restaurant or bar laughing and joking with each other, as one or more call out in jest, “You bitch!” The frequent use of this term by women with each other seems to suggest that women can take the word back, as some like to say, and own it, thus stripping it of its historical chains. As an aside, I’m never completely convinced that a once-marginalized group of people can ever truly “take it back” after a term lived for so many previous years in the clutches of a mainstream culture that used that nasty word to keep such a group of people down.

But the troubling use of the b-word isn’t limited to women. In fact, it’s regularly employed now in conversation among men, who call each other the b- word as if it’s lost its gender association. Most concerning, men have come to use the word with each other in a come-on-it’s-harmless manner. At the end of the day, the b-word is a bad word, one that many women find to be highly insulting, and we should be careful to not use it.

Yet the mainstreaming of the b-word is important not just because of who uses it and how, but because its acceptance into the mainstream has cleared the way, over time, for other awful, misogynistic terms to be accepted, as well. Chief among them is “gold-digger.” This term – less extreme than the b- word but which stems from the same mean-spirited place - makes me sick to my stomach and, I know firsthand from clients in my practice, has an equal or greater impact on women.

The term “gold-digger” gets thrown around like car keys flung on the kitchen table, but the traits of the target of such vitriol are clear: the gold-digger is scheming, vapid, and predatory. She’s a one-note tune, a shell of a woman who breathes in dollar signs and destroys all men in her path. The so-called gold-digger has no feelings, no true convictions, and dreams in Technicolor for all things money can buy. Wow, I know a lot of women, but I don’t know any women like that. Yet men and women alike seem to use this term in a diagnostic way, summing such a woman up as if the label were true or indicative of a thorough investigation into her character. Really, I know that we, as a society, are capable of better than rushing to such judgment.

If you believe that the b- word is okay to use, take an informal poll with a few different women and see what you come up with. Similarly, if you believe that a term like “gold-digger” is just a harmless term that women shouldn’t take offense to, think twice. Though it’s wrapped in a prettier package and hasn’t received the same analysis as the b- word, the truth is that it’s a half-step away. This term, like the b-word, is mean and unjust. To move forward as a culture, we need to take a stand when we hear others use it, and put a stop to it for good.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Good for Your Mental Health: "Bridesmaids"

2011-05-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

There is no better intervention for a bad mood or a problem that is getting you down than a good laugh, and the new film Bridesmaids offers 125 minutes of it. I highly recommend it - particularly if you're in need of an emotional boost!

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

The Secret Behind Who Is "Sexy"

2011-05-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

If you've walked through a department store lately, you've been hit smack in the face with what advertisers tell you is sexy: Photographs of impossibly perfect models line the walls, their faces perfect, with cheekbones carved like Canadian glaciers and eyes that sparkle like the lights of Times Square. These objects, Madison Avenue teaches us, are what defines sexy. This is who you want to be, right?

Maybe not. What I have found in my work as a clinical psychologist is that what men and women sexually respond to the most aren't modelesque attributes. In fact, I have found one common denominator that turns both men and women on in others: frankly, my dear, they don't give a damn. This may sound nonsensical or even contrarian, but I'm afraid it's true.

If you take an informal poll of friends, everyone will probably come up with one word, the building block largely believed to come in a close second to physical attractiveness in the race to sexy: confidence. Yet when we take a closer look at the confidence the so-called sexy wear like a tight-fitting angora sweater, what people find sexy is more than confidence.

It's actually a naturalness that rides along with the confidence, a lack of artifice or efforts to try to be sexy. Those individuals others find sexy don't seem to care if you or anyone think they're sexy - it's like an afterthought or an inadvertent consequence. No, confidence isn't the secret ingredient, because many men and women are confident but others don't necessarily want to slip in the sack with them.
The ultimate secret behind ‘sexy' is being happy enough with yourself that don't seek the approval - or sexual attraction - of anyone. In other words, others can tell that you don't need it and, as a has-been celebrity used to say, "that's hot."

It's the oldest cliché in the book, but one that remains due to its truthfulness: Some of the world's most beautiful people are some of the world's most insecure. Though these individuals may, at first, bear all the signs of sexiness, getting to know them can quickly diminish the sexual intensity you had for them. And that's the point: what's sexy is actually the personality wrapped in an attractive-enough face and body!

The next time you cross paths with someone who awakens those sexual feelings in you, consider for a moment what it is. I think, if you boil it all down, you'll find that what's sexy is more than physical attraction and confidence.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Hating Fat People: A Hobby

2011-05-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

The hoots and hollers were cringe-inducing as the television comedian's fat joke landed to wild applause. It was strange how the audience erupted as if they’d heard something genuinely funny or even interesting on a particular recent night at an L.A. comedy club. But to hear yet another comedian make a stupid fat joke reflected the least funny or interesting thing he could say. Truthfully, the audience wasn’t laughing because the joke was good: they laughed because they hate fat people, and, worse, because they believe fat people deserve such spite.

Wow, is it that simple? Is the world really chock-full of haters who don’t have feelings or derive pleasure from putting others down? If we take a minute to look at it, we quickly find that it’s actually not that simple. What’s happening as the haters laugh? They're taking a mental break – almost like releasing a valve with too much pressure – from judging themselves.

It never fails: In therapy with my clients, they are often shocked to find over the course of therapy that their own judgments of others simultaneously reflect the degree to which they also judge themselves. Each day, I find myself blurting out, “You’re too hard on yourself!” There appears to be limitless self-judgment out there in the universe, and it’s poisonous because these self-judgers are twice as good at judging – even hating – others for any number of reasons (too fat, too gay, too ethnic, and so on).

When it comes to fat people, the obese are easy targets. Their flaw (or medical problem) is out there for the world to see and judge. I have tremendous empathy for anyone who is overweight because it’s hard on them physically and emotionally – a real double threat. Most people’s flaws (infidelity, bad temper, etc.) aren’t so apparent, so you have to get to know your average person to actually see his or her flaws. But with fat people, there’s no hiding. From this perspective, it really sucks to be fat, huh?

The more our society can learn to feel empathy for others, the less judgment we’ll have to spread amongst ourselves. You know the problem is serious – in this case, hating or discriminating against fat people – when one person hates another without ever even having met! But that’s exactly what happens when many men and women encounter someone obese: snap judgments are made, and the fat person is typically summarily dismissed as lazy or weak.

If you find that it’s fat people you have negative views about, or perhaps another group of people you’ve decided (willy-nilly) you don’t particularly like, the next time such thoughts or feelings come up, take a moment and take a step back. The truth is simple: if you are hard on others, you are also going to be hard on yourself in some other way. So here’s my crazy idea: don’t be critical of yourself or others. And please, if you are a fat-hater, leave fat people alone! Finally, you can even go a step further if it's someone else who makes a nasty comment about anyone overweight: Take a stand and stick up for that person. In small ways like this one, you'd be doing your part in making the world a kinder, more understanding place.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription, is about how to stop repeating negative patterns in your romantic relationships, a syndrome that’s almost like Relationship OCD.

Read This Book: Women, Food and God

2011-04-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

A lot of books are bestsellers, but only a handful of those deserve that categorization. Geneen Roth’s book, Women, Food, and God (Scribner, 2011) deserves every ounce of the acclaim and consumer response it has garnered.

An elegant little book, Women Food and God encourages readers to think about the food they eat and to become more aware about how the relationship they have with food actually seeps into their relationship with their self-esteem, mental health, and even the world at large. She writes:

"I do believe there are frozen places in ourselves - undigested pockets of pain - that need to be recognized and welcomed, so that we can contact that which has never been hurt or wounded or hungry." (p. 8)

Oh, could that be written any better?! Written in a way that is accessible to all readers, you find yourself turning page after page, hungering not for food, but for more wisdom from the author.

As a side note, I have to mention that Ms. Roth thanks writer Anne Lamott in the “Acknowledgments” section, thanking her for helping her to give the book shape. Well, Ann Lamott is a genius in her own right, and Women, Food and God benefits from her thoughtful, loving touch.

You may have heard about this book in the media already, or it may be completely new to you. If you are looking for a book that encourages greater awareness in everyday life – even if you’re a man, don’t have food issues, or whatever the case may be – grab a copy of this book today. You will be richer for it in the end!

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Why You Shouldn’t Watch…The Royal Wedding

2011-04-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one in America who is more than a little tired of the incessant television coverage of the April 29th royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton? Come on, I couldn't possibly be! Honestly, it’s a testament to the in-your-face coverage of the event that I even know Ms. Middleton’s first and last name. Simply put, I don’t follow the lives of the royals, and I’ll tell you why that is.

But first, I must explain that I work hard as a therapist to convince people that it isn’t healthy to idealize anyone or to put others on a pedestal. The reason? Idealizing anyone is poison for your self-esteem because every time you idealize someone, you automatically devalue yourself. In other words, you can’t put someone on a pedestal without feeling worse about yourself afterward. The reality is that too many men and women fall victim to idealizing others whom they don’t know – members of Britain ’s royal family included.

If you are royal follower, hear a snippet on the news about the forthcoming wedding, and find your ears straining to catch every last detail, I’m sorry to say that you are, in fact, idealizing the royals. If you weren’t, you wouldn't be interested in any events related to them. As the watchers of the royal wedding perch themselves in front of the television to watch the wedding on the 29th, they will inevitably feel enamored by the spectacle: a crowd of thousands, infinite security, and William and Kate, shining like two human jewels, at the center of it all. The coverage, of course, will mention the most scintillating details: the clothing, the reception location, and the finest foods that would put any celebrity chef to shame.

How, I ask, could watching such a wedding – again, featuring people you’ve never met - make you feel good or better about your own life? How is spending time following the lives of others more fortunate than you any good for your self-esteem and your overall life satisfaction?

I believe that the world is a better, more dynamic place when its inhabitants are happy and fulfilled, and so I want you to feel good about yourself and the life you’re living. To do so, I want you to avoid spending time tracking the lives of others who are more fortunate than you may be. After all, psychology studies show that people tend to feel worse when they compare themselves to others who are more fortunate, and they tend to feel better when comparing themselves to others who are less fortunate.

Aside from my strong conviction that attraction to all things royal makes its followers feel worse about their own lives, I have one additional problem with following and looking up to the royals: Royal families – William and Kate included - haven’t actually earned their position through hard work! Why should we be terribly interested in the lives of individuals who, by birthright, are simply born into wealth and fame? At least with prominent politicians in America , for example, they have to campaign a little!

The endless media attention on the forthcoming royal wedding serves as an important reminder of what we do – and also should – value in others. Personally, I have nothing against the members of any royal family. Conversely, they don’t top my list of Most-Respected-People-Ever. Ultimately, we all must be careful about whom we admire and respect. At the end of the day, the people most deserving of your respect and admiration are those who have earned it through years of hard work. And keep in mind that some of the most inspiring individuals can be found in some of the least assuming places.

Finally, watching the royal wedding could be an upsetting experience if you look at it in context with the large world. Doesn't such a showcase serve as a disturbing reminder of just how unfair life really is: how some are born into gold-plated cribs, while others languish in poverty and despair? When you see this event in context, and consider the millions of dollars that go into such a function, it takes the fun - and idealization - out of the whole experience.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Catherine Zeta Jones: Mentally Ill and Shame-Free

2011-04-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

Upon hearing the announcement in the news this week from Catherine Zeta Jones’ spokesperson that the actress was recently hospitalized for mental health treatment of Bipolar II Disorder, my heart leapt. This disorder, which typically involves a mix of hypomanic and depressive episodes that interfere with your ability to function consistently well on a daily basis, is fairly serious. When I heard the news, I was so shocked that I could hardly contain my feelings – let alone identify them. Yet after reflecting on the announcement for a minute longer, my thoughts on the subject crystallized. Think about it: When was the last time a famous person came out publicly and admitted that his or her hospitalization was for mental illness?

As a psychologist who trained in New York City and was exposed to the rich and famous who had their fair share of breakdowns, I could (unethically) share a laundry list of celebrities who sought mental health treatment at private locations in the city or in neighboring areas and yet never breathed a word about their mental issues in public. If news of some problems, or even a hospitalization surfaced, the reason was always shrouded in layers of nuance – or even lies. Celebrity A was hospitalized for “exhaustion,” while Celebrity B was seeking treatment for "stress." Let me tell you the truth about such hospitalizations: they almost ALWAYS involve some sort of underlying mental health issue.

Why the cover-up then? One word: shame.

It’s fine to be overworked and exhausted, and even accepted or, rather, expected to be a celebrity and have drug or alcohol issues – but to have a mental illness, such as Major Depressive Disorder or Bipolar Disorder? Forget it! No one ever wants to admit to such issues for fear that the world will label them c-r-a-z-y.

When I read the actual statement from Ms. Zeta Jones’ spokesperson, the truth was right there for the whole world to see: she’s dealing with Bipolar II Disorder. Big deal, right? She’s human, so it shouldn’t surprise us that she may be struggling with any number of personal issues. But the stigma around mental illness is so powerful that most people never come forward and tell the truth. It’s for this reason that I have such profound admiration for Catherine Zeta Jones. With the announcement, she is presenting herself honestly and authentically, and reminding us that there is no reason to be ashamed of dealing with mental issues. After all, if people aren’t ashamed to say they have high blood pressure, why on earth should they be ashamed to say that they are dealing with mental health issues?

At the end of the day, mental health problems are no one’s fault – everyone is simply doing the best they can to get by. And, my goodness, life can be hard and challenging – particularly when you have a spouse who has been dealing with a medical illness as the actress’ husband has in the recent past. For those who struggle with mental illness, my heart goes out to you because navigating it is not easy. For Ms. Zeta Jones, specifically, you deserve a standing ovation for your strength. You are a true trailblazer, and I know that you are helping to reduce the stigma of mental illness with your courageous actions.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Men, Stop Holding Doors for Women!

2011-04-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've noticed that a very old trend persists: men holding doors for women, while these same men stop short to extend such kindness to other men who lag only a step or two behind. Come on, guys.

Simply put, it’s 2011 and it’s time for our society to evolve and to stop chauvanistic behavior toward women. In the past, when a woman’s role was relegated to the domestic sphere – the home and children in it – men were taught to treat women differently from men. Such differences included holding doors, walking next to a woman on the street on her side closest to the curb, and a bevy of other chivalrous behaviors that were arguably intended to indicate respect in years past. News flash for anyone who still practices such behaviors: this isn’t really respect at all.

My point is far from misogynistic, but rather is universal: I believe we should all hold doors for each other independent of gender. In other words, a man should hold a door for a woman not because she is a woman, but because she is a fellow human being who is worth extending kindness to.

If men extend certain niceties to women but not to men, they reinforce this silly idea that men and women are entirely different species. Regardless of why John Gray (of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus fame) says, I disagree that men and women are inherently vastly different. Sure, there are differences, but it’s not good for men or women to focus on those. After all, if men and women are going to make romantic relationships work, don’t they need to focus on the similarities?

The more we, as a society, continue to engage in such rigid gender-bound behaviors, the more fixed and rigid sex roles will be, and romantic relationships will suffer as a result. The next time you find yourself at the threshold of a doorway and someone walks in front of or behind you, make an effort to hold the door for them – but be careful about why you tell yourself you’re doing it.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Why All Men Want a Three-Way.....aka Ménage a Trois

2011-04-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

Having lunch at a trendy bistro in Hollywood this past week, I overheard a conversation that simply begged my ears to listen: A few male friends who appeared to be in their mid-20s talked about how they’ve always wanted to have a three-way. “Have you ever done it?” one especially eager guy asked another. I listened as they described in detail how they hope to someday meet a girl who would say “yes” to inviting another girl into bed. Hearing the guys talk, I must have momentarily forgotten about my lunch companions who lapped up their cheddar tortilla soup, but the subject was far too juicy for me to tune out.

Typically, I’m not an eavesdropper. But, as someone who specializes in relationship issues, I hear the word “three-way” and the neurons in my brain start firing like it’s the Fourth of July. The topic of three-ways is undoubtedly loaded because it involves sex (a natural human behavior) and a taboo (something Mom and Dad probably taught you that you shouldn’t ever be doing).

The question is simple: Why do men fantasize about having sex with two others? And why isn’t one enough?

If you’ve ever read Portnoy’s Complaint, the landmark novel by Philip Roth, you’d immediately understand. In essence, it all starts very early with boys. In adolescence, boys crave sex like a food addict craves chili cheese fries. What’s more, the sex that boys think about isn’t very complicated: it’s an IMAX-style mental whirlwind of body parts and genitalia, and what boys’ fantasize about doing sexually wouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes with the sex object of their choice. It’s Pavolvian, like a beagle salivating to the aroma of a rib roast.

In adulthood, men’s sexuality changes. When men are in their 20s - or even 30s, provided they haven’t yet married - men’s sex drive is often about proving their masculinity and attractiveness through the acquisition of multiple sex partners. It’s during this period that most men get caught up in lusting for a three-way, as exemplified by the men I heard talking in the restaurant. During this stage, men feel the looming anxiety that sexual liberation will soon end with marriage, so they want to check off as many sexual fantasies and lofty conquests on their list – and soon.

So, how about the older men? In general, most men in their 40s and older aren’t looking for three-ways or group sex situations. However, this doesn’t mean that they aren’t looking for multiple sex partners. In fact, if a man is single and has some attribute that makes others want him sexually, he very well may choose to play the playboy role as long as he can get sex on a regular basis. If not, he will likely settle down.

Sexuality is fascinating, in part, because it is changes over the life span. But one thing remains certain: Ask your average 20-something guy if he’d like to have a three-way, and he will tell you that there are few things that would put a bigger smile on his face.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Thought-Provoking BUMPER STICKER

2011-03-31T19:55:00.000-07:00

This week, I saw a bumper sticker that was hard to forget.

"It will be a great day when our schools have all money they need, and our Air Force has to have a bakesale to buy a bomb."

Too many wars, no doubt. Thank goodness for the troops that protect us, but it's too bad that so many financial cuts are made to mental health, education, and art-related services. Pray, people, for better days!

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Hey, Complaining is a Virtue!

2011-03-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m no pessimist. I believe that people are inherently good, that life is full of possibilities in tandem with hard work, and that sending kindness out to the universe brings it – and a host of other goodies – back to you in spades. But I’m also a realist, and advocate that people get real with themselves and the lives they’re living.

Far too often, people walk through life half-asleep, accepting mediocrity in their work, love lives, and even friendships. Too often, people feel afraid to look honestly at the things and people in their lives for fear of upsetting the status quo. My point: taking a razor-sharp lens to your life and start seriously complaining about the things that aren’t working are Step One in the course of getting what you want and deserve.

Complaints, the way you may imgaine them, are pointless. Perhaps you conjure Woody Allen whining in any number of films, wasting away with thoughts of what could be or could have been, sucked into meaningless attempts to notice the bad while simultaneously shutting out the good. But complaints are only the first part; the second is taking action.

One of the things that inevitably sends me into a tizzy - not a squeezing-hamsters'-heads-off tizzy but, you know, your average tizzy - is a preternaturally chin-up attitude, someone who can't ever say anything negative about anyone or anything. I say, “Wow, it’s gross outside, cold and rainy.” The provocateur, “No, we need the rain, and I love the fresh air.” Oh, give me a break. Life is hard, and the more complex you are and the deeper you think about your life and the world around you, the more taxing life can be. Now, before you write me off as the most morose or twisted therapist you’ve come across, make sure you get what I’m really saying: Life isn’t bad but it is a mixed bag – and sometimes it’s a really mixed bag.

The motto I use in my own life and with my clients in my private practice is simple: notice – or complain about – what’s broken in you, your life, and your relationships, and then set a firecracker under your you-know-what and do something about it, for crying out loud! Whatever you do, don’t let yourself fall victim to an eternal glass-is-half full attitude because you’ll be fooling yourself and setting yourself up to fail. Life is too short, and the possibilities are too exciting and far too rich, for you to try to convince yourself that everything is A-okay all the time.

Each day, take your emotional temperature and notice how you feel. When the same negative feelings about the same people or things keep popping up, your instincts are telling you that something’s wrong. When this happens, start complaining and hear your own voice remind you that it’s time to make a change. If you don’t, I’ll be the first person to start complaining.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Dating: How to Annoy a Man

2011-03-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, I talked about the little things that annoy women in the crazy circus of dating – and it sure can be a circus. But what about what annoys the guys? I can assure you that there are few behaviors that undoubtedly annoy men in the early stages of dating. So, be mindful when you’re dating to not push the buttons that will send him off like a Fed-Ex package never to be seen again!

There are a few questions women often ask in the early stages of dating that leave a bad taste in the mouths of men, a taste that’s like putting spinach, vinegar, and the tiny rocks found on a long, winding dirt road together and gingerly placing them on the tongue to savor. Got the picture now?

One of these questions involves asking questions about what he does for a living, but not for the sake of getting to know him better, but to…you guessed it…find out how much money he makes. Watch out for this one, because men often interpret this question as your attempt to figure out a) how much he’s willing to pay for, and b) how comfortable he is being the financial provider in the relationship. I always tell my clients that they must walk into a relationship with the expectation that they will be an equal financial provider, though this may change, of course, over time.

Another question that often annoys men on dates involves broaching the subjects of having children. Come on, this really shouldn’t be discussed until you know the guy well enough that you have the feeling that you might be interested in one day having children with him! Bringing up this subject too early means that you may as well introduce yourself in the following way: “Hi, I’m Sally, and you look like one hell of a sperm donor. Maybe later you could meet my eggs?” Early in dating, don’t ask questions about marriage and children – it’s just too much, and it backfires like an old car abandoned on someone’s broken-down lawn.

The other behavior that I need to highlight in discussing what annoys men in dating involves women looking to guys to make them feel pretty. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel like a sexpot: everybody secretly wants to be swathed in compliments. But my male clients often report that they feel like the women they date are often fishing for compliments or, worse, need constant validation that they look okay or aren’t too fat. This kind of behavior puts men off because men, just like women, are basically looking for the same thing: a confident, strong person who is already happy on their own!

The next time you’re out on a date, think about how you are coming across, and remember to focus on making a friend first, rather than interviewing a candidate for a relationship. And, if you truly must conduct an interview, please remember to do it subtly and to avoid the common missteps I mention above!

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Dating: How to Annoy a Woman

2011-03-21T18:09:00.001-07:00

Okay, let's not make this more complicated than it is: There are a few sure-fire ways to annoy a woman you're on a date with, and I don't recommend that you try any of them.

One of the most consistent reports that I get from female clients who are testing dating waters is that men only seem to talk about themselves. These men would rather answer questions about their lives and talk about what they're doing than take the time to verbally show some interest in the women sitting across from them at the dinner table.

The reality - whether you like it or not - is that we're all little babies deep down, overgrown children who still want and need attention. I don't fault anyone for it, because it's human nature to respond when someone shows interest in you. The problem develops when you're not reciprocating!

Whether you are a man or a woman, make an effort to be aware of your behavior the next time you are on date. Make sure that you take the time to ask your date about what's going on in his or her life, and really listen to the responses. Ask questions about interests and hobbies, rather than the all-too-predictable questions about professional status which ultimately reflect a hidden agenda to find out how much money he or she makes.

At the end of the day, you will have the greatest romantic success when you start displaying compassion and good social skills - and giving your date room to talk, too, is Social Skill # 1 that everyone should already have mastered!

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Loving An Addict Is A B*tch

2011-03-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

Dealing with the addiction of a loved one can be one of the most difficult experiences a person could have. Often, there is little that you can do other than offer support and let your loved know that you're there if and when he or she needs you.

In a word, addiction is ugly. It has many faces and constantly changes. In 12 step groups, they say that addiction is "cunning and baffling." Addicts say this because its cunning quality is often what leads the addict to relapse. I believe that addiction is equally cunning for the loved ones.

The loved ones watch the addict's personality change and experience first-hand a host of lies and manipulations. Melody Beattie wrote an incredibly important book called "Codependent No More" which describes what can happen to the loved one of an addict. Simply put, they can lose themselves if they try to rescue the addict.

The truth is that there is little you can do when you believe that your loved one has become addicted to something. First, confide in the addict your observations and share your belief that something is going on. Second, let the addict know that you are there to offer support and to help the addict find the clinical support he or she may need. Third and finally, detach a little.

Addiction is a juggernaut and can devestate the spirit and integrity of individuals, relationships, and everything else in its path. Find a good book on addiction today so that you can start coming to grips with what to expect. Whatever you do, understand that there is ultimately nothing you can do to save the person from the pain of their addiction - only the addict has that power.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships - and one of those in falling in love with emotionally wounded or addicted individuals. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Dr. Seth on Couples Fighting

2011-03-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

As quoted in AOL's MyDaily:

Seth Meyers, author of "Dr. Seth's Love Prescription", says couples who tend to argue almost as an intellectual form of sparring aren't necessarily unhealthy. "When it gets unhealthy is when the arguments become personal and one or both members of the couple feel attacked, criticized, or not supported," he says.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck in this vicious cycle, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Mardi Gras in New Orleans: It's All About Repression

2011-03-10T19:15:00.000-08:00

You think Las Vegas is debaucherous? I have two words for you: New Orleans. Better yet: Mardi Gras.

This past weekend, I went to New Orleans for the first time. What a magical city! Soul and music lurk around every corner, and the old sections of the city ooze of history and culture. But Mardi Gras is something else!

Simply put, I've never seen people so drunk in my entire life - and baby has been around the block. Men and women hobbled arm in arm down the sidewalks, one holding another up after too many shots or beers purchased from vendors set up right on the street. My thoughts as I witnessed the drunken stupors of individuals age 16 to 70 were less judgmental than analytical - I actually wondered what the degree of excess really meant.

Clearly, thousands of Mardi Gras participants felt the need to let loose, and to do so in a really big, 3-D sort of way. And I'm not just talking about drinking. In fact, every other person seemed to smoke a cigarette (sadly, mself included), puffs of marijuana were never more than a car length away, and people showed their private parts for a simple strand of beads thrown over balconies on Bourbon Street. If you haven't ever seen Mardi Gras, trust me: you've never seen people let go like this.

Witnessing the debauchery, I thought about how repressed everyone must be in their predictable daily lives back at home. Millions sit in office cublicles while they crunch numbers or review endless reports, while countless others spend their time on projects that never render much appreciation at all from bosses who far out-earn them.

Ultimately, it occured to me that the debauchery I witnessed wasn't that strange, after all. It makes sense, when you think about it in perspective, that people need to pop the cork on the repression that rules their usual lives and truly let go on vacation. Until I attended my first Mardi Gras, I just never knew how much.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck in this vicious cycle, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Teenage Drinking: Talk to Your Kids Today!

2011-03-03T18:04:00.000-08:00

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the rates of high schoolers drinking alcohol is high – higher than you might expect. According to the survey in Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report (59, 39, 1274-9), 42% have had at least one alcoholic beverage in the past 30 days. Yikes, that pretty high. If you’re a parent, do you think that your high school child might be one of those?

Here’s what’s most disturbing about the study: the rate of binge drinking among high schoolers. Binge drinking is defined as consuming five or more alcoholic drinks within a two-hour period in the past 30 days. According to the survey, 24% of high schoolers binge drink. For parents, this must be a major concern.

There are countless reasons why parents don’t want their high school children to drink alcohol- they’re so obvious that we don’t need to review them here. Yet parents must be sure to address the issue with their children. One of the best things that a parent can do is to make themselves available in the case that their child is ever in a social situation in which drinking or drug use is going on, and their child feels uncomfortable. Be sure to let your child know that he or she can call you anytime and that you will come to pick him or her up.

In such situations, it’s important for parents to remember to be allies – rather than punitive parents – because coming down on your children too hard can actually cause them to act out even more!

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck in this vicious cycle, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

How to Argue and Get What You Want

2011-02-18T16:22:00.000-08:00

In a word, all you have to do is validate to get somewhere when you're arguing. I am offering here the 411 on validation. The word 'validation' gets thrown around like a beach ball in the summer, but it's important that you understand what it means. Quite simply, it's another word for 'listening.'

Sometimes we over-think things and make them more complicated than necessary. In an argument or disagreement, you must show the other person you are listening to what he or she is saying. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with it, but you must listen if you want to maintain any kind of working relationship with that person later.

Too often, people get heated in an argument and it turns into a power struggle that everyone wants to win. Say "see ya" to this adolescent wish and move on to the more adult compromise - flexibility.

The next time you have an argument with someone, validate that person's feelings simply by listening. Hear them out and you will find that they can move on a little more quickly. In addition, you will see that person become a little less angry and frustrated, and this, in turn, will help you to step down from your own anger stance. Practice makes perfect, so make an extra effort to listen the next time you're in the middle of a heated spat.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck in this vicious cycle, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Valentine’s Day Doesn’t Have to Suck…If You’re Single

2011-02-13T11:48:00.000-08:00

Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays that’s become something like a Black Friday at Walmart: a day on which advertisers coerce people into spending lots of money. It’s a day when coupled men and women often feel pressured to do something big – reservations at a fancy restaurant, picking up boatloads of chocolates and flowers, and the list goes on. I find that couples often do it up in high style, but don’t necessarily enjoy themselves any more than they would on any other day that they show – and get – a little appreciation from the one they love.

Yet what about Valentine’s Day for single men and women? If you’re single, my hope is that you don’t let this consumption/advertising-driven holiday get you down. That said, achieving such an above-it-all attitude is difficult when every single person you see on the street asks, “So what are you doing for Valentine’s Day?”

If you’re single and you are, like most human beings, susceptible to feeling a little down or lonely on a day when you’re made to feel that everyone else in the world is in love except you, you’ve got to make your own Valentine’s Day party. Grab a group of friends for happy hour at one of your favorite bars or restaurants, go on a mini-shopping spree where you treat yourself to something special, or book a massage or another procedure that makes you feel good and reminds you that you know how to take of yourself.

I hate that Valentine’s Day often makes single people feel bad or left out. True, finding a good relationship is one the best things that life has to offer, but there is more to life and the world around you than coupledom. After all, it’s loneliness and feeling left out that drives so many people into relationships in the first place. And, if you rush it or you enter that relationship out of anxiety, odds are that it won’t last.

In the end, remember that Valentine’s Day is like any other day: it means what you decide it means. If you’re single, make this day fun and soothing for you…because you deserve it!

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck in this vicious cycle, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Yikes: Everybody's Getting Divorced!

2011-02-07T14:08:00.000-08:00

Take a guess – which rate would you expect to be lower? Below I have included the rates for first, second, and third marriages.

•Divorce rate in America after first marriage is from 41% to 50%.

•US divorce rate after second marriage is from 60% to 67%

•After 3 marriages the US divorce rate is from 73% to 74%

Why, would you guess, is the rate higher for later marriages?

Having examined a wide array of research on divorce in the past, I know how complex the interpretation of divorce statistics is. Yet here is one of the simple reasons why divorce statictics are higher for later marriages: After having your first marriage fail because it was not meeting your needs, you are often less likely to put up with another marriage later that doesn't meet your needs. In essence, you know yourself better after your first marriage, including what you want and need from a relationship. That said, these statistics are high and underscore the need for individuals to carefully choose their partners from the very beginning.
(Source for Statistics cited: Aboutdivorce.org.)

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. He sheds light on the four patterns that get repeated the most: saving wounded souls; focusing too much on a specific, physical type; fear of intimacy and denial; and getting involved with people who are manipulative or abusive. The book walks you step step through the process of stopping the cycle of repetition.

Dr. Seth on the Radio: Washington, D.C.

2011-02-04T18:53:00.000-08:00

Hey, if you're an early bird in the Washington, D.C. area, I'll be on for an hour on the Audrey Chapman Show on 96.3 FM from 8:00-9:00 a.m. discussing my new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription.

Lucky me, I get to wake up at 4:45 to do it live from California!

Annoying Couples: Get Over Yourselves!

2011-01-22T14:39:00.001-08:00

This past week I had an experience on a plane that reminded me why some couples are simply so annoying. Just remembering the details, I want to throw up a little bit.

As a few seats were open on the plane and everyone began to take the best remaining seats available, I watched one particular couple try to decide whether they, too, should try to move from their original seats. The seats available were super-plush: tons of leg room, and so on. As I listened to this couple complain about their cramped seats - yet with open seats beckoning around them - I mentioned to the man that there was an open seat in the row ahead where he could sit in a bulkhead seat on the aisle, rather feel confined in a center seat that looked like it was built more for a child than a grown man.

The man heard my suggestion, but almost looked stunned as he responded. "Oh, no! She's my wife!" he said, pointing to the woman sitting next to him. "We're traveling together!" he exclaimed, foam nearly coming out of his mouth at the thought of parting from her for a two-hour flight. What he was trying to tell me is that, because she was his wife and they were together, they HAD-HAD-HAD to sit together. In fact, his response may as well as have been, "But...but if we can't sit next to each other, we might get so anxious and scared being apart from each other, that we might start crying and wet our pants." Oh, where do I start...

Okay, here is my point: For crying out loud, a little separation is okay, people! If you are in a relationship, don't feel pressured to believe that, just because you're together, you have to do everything the same. You can be together but have different interests, even different friends, and - I can't believe I even need to say this - sit in different rows on the very same airplane. Rest assured, if you're together, you will have plenty of time to spend together in the future.

Far too many couples get lost in a super-dysfunctional, enmeshed dynamic in their relationship where they've let society tell them that, to be happy, they have to do everything the same - be the same, think the same. My gosh, what's next? Dressing the same?

If you are single, my hope is that you apire to find someone who is independent in his or her own right, and who comes to love you because you complement him or her. In other words, I hope you are able to find a relationship in which you can be in love, yet still happily sit apart from each other during an occasional two-hour flight!

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. He sheds light on the four patterns that get repeated the most: saving wounded souls; focusing too much on a specific, physical type; fear of intimacy and denial; and getting involved with people who are manipulative or abusive. Pick up a copy today!

Dr. Seth on the Morning News!

2011-01-21T19:55:00.000-08:00

On Monday, I will be interviewed on KARE11 NBC in Minneapolis to discuss my new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships.

My segment will air at 11:20 a.m. CST. I'm packing extra clothes because I've been told it is mighty, mighty cold there.

5 Keys to Making Long Distance Relationships Work

2011-01-20T19:34:00.001-08:00

Simply put, long distance relationships are challenging. Distance makes it difficult to sustain an emotional and physical connection with your partner. It can also bring out insecurities in one or both partners. For reasons such as these, the odds are truly stacked against those of you who go head to head with the one-eyed distance monster.

If you are going to give a long distance relationship a shot, try using the following techniques to ensure that your relationship has a decent chance at lasting.

Tip # 1: Tell your partner what your long-term goal is for the relationship, and ask him or her to share the same. Marriage? Living together? Living in the same city? Be clear from the beginning.

Tip # 2: Have a “Fears Discussion.” Tell your partner “I’m kind of afraid if we live apart for too long that you might…or that I might…” Again, ask your partner to share his or her fears. This is how intimacy develops.

Tip # 3: Create set times to communicate on the phone.

Tip # 4: Arrange a visiting schedule that will allow you to see each other regularly and stick to this schedule.

Tip # 5: Be honest if you start feeling disconnected from your partner, and ask your partner to share the same feelings if he or she has the same feelings – at that point or ever!

Again, these relationships aren’t easy, but nobody said that true love is a walk in the park. Arm yourself with good coping skills and you will be better off in the end - in your long distance relationship, as well as all of your other relationships in life.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. He sheds light on the four patterns that get repeated the most: saving wounded souls; focusing too much on a specific, physical type; fear of intimacy and denial; and getting involved with people who are physically, verbally, or psychologically abusive. Pick up a copy today!

Dr. Seth: On the Radio

2011-01-16T10:06:00.000-08:00

Check me out on the national afternoon radio show "Cocktails with Patrick" on Cosmo Radio on Sirius XM Radio Tuesday, January 18. East Coast time, I'll be on for a half-hour from 3:30-4:00 P.M., discussing the problem of repeating toxic patterns in your romantic relationships.

I'll be discussing my new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetititon Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve!

In the book, I highlight the four patterns that get repeated the most and prevent people from finding The One: saving wounded souls; focusing too much on a specific, physical type; distorted beliefs, including fear of intimacy and denial; and getting involved with people who are physically, verbally, or psychologically abusive.

I hope you have a chance to tune in to hear the show on Tuesday!

QUIZ: Do You Have...Relationship Repetition Syndrome?

2010-12-29T13:51:00.000-08:00

One of the most common problems I see in my practice is that men and women's romantic relationships often fail because they are stuck repeating toxic relationship patterns. Take this quiz below which is quick and fun!

Test Yourself

Answer the questions below with a simple “yes” or “no.”

1. Do you feel like you are only sexually attracted to partners who are bad for you?

2. Have you found yourself in a relationship with someone who does the same kinds of things your last significant other did that hurt or bothered you?

3. Do your friends and families comment on you choosing the wrong partners and ask why you don’t settle down with the right person?

4. Do your relationships tend to last a certain amount of time and then consistently end after the same approximate length of time? For example, perhaps you’ve never made it past the three-year hurdle?

5. Have you ever fallen for someone by simply looking at him or watching him, or decided you want to be with him within the first few minutes of meeting?

6. Do you find yourself feeling the same kinds of negative feelings you felt in your last relationship, precipitated by the same kinds of situations?

7. Do you blame yourself or your partners for why things went wrong?

8. Do you sometimes feel like you lose yourself in your relationships?

9. Do you feel like you are cursed to have bad relationships and will never find ‘The One?’

If you answered “yes” to two or more of the questions above, you suffer from RRS. If you answered “yes” to one of the questions above, you suffer from some of the symptoms of RRS.

If your answers tell you that you are what I call a Relationship Repeater, fear not! I wrote a whole book about it, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve. Trust me: I try to make it as fun as possible, and there might even be an exercise in it in which you have to try to figure out which which character in The Golden Girls & Sex and the City you are most like.

Seriously, though, there is help for you if you feel like you are stuck repeating the same old patterns and are ending up single and frustrated, again and again. You can find Dr. Seth's Love Prescription at Borders, Barnes and Noble, or at Amazon.com!

See This Movie: The Fighter

2010-12-28T06:33:00.000-08:00

Wow, this past weekend I saw the film "The Fighter," starring Mark Walberg and Christian Bale. This movie is so well done, both funny and heart-wrenching. The film's back story is showcasing the dysfunctional family from which the two brothers (Walberg and Bale) come. There are a few incredibly piercing moments in the film which perfectly capture how addiction can tear a family apart, and how recovery from it can put it back together and make it stronger than before.

This film is excellent with a brilliant performance from Christian Bale. Accordingly, we will temporarily forgive him for his crazy outbursts in recent years!

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships.

The book helps people stuck repeating the same old patterns in their relationships so that they can move on and find a partner they are truly compatible with!

Find it at Borders, Barnes and Noble, or Amazon.com!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2010-12-25T09:31:00.000-08:00

After all of the preparations, gift-buying, and, yes, stress...Christmas is finally here. I wish you all a happy Christmas and hope that you have a fantabulous day with the ones you love!

FASCINATING: Superior Autobiographical Memory

2010-12-22T19:04:00.000-08:00

If you saw "60 Minutes" on CBS this past Sunday evening, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

If you didn't have a chance to see the segment on "60 Minutes" which documented a fascinating memory condition researchers are just beginning to learn about, check out this link:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6139952/marilu_henner_has_a_superior_autobiographical.html.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

How to Argue Without Attacking

2010-12-21T19:53:00.000-08:00

In a word, all you have to do is validate to get somewhere when you're arguing. I am offering here the 411 on validation. The word 'validation' gets thrown around like a beach ball in the summer, but it's important that you understand what it means. Quite simply, it's another word for 'listening.'

Sometimes we over-think things and make them more complicated than necessary. In an argument or disagreement, you must show the other person you are listening to what he or she is saying. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with it, but you must listen if you want to maintain any kind of working relationship with that person later.

Too often, people get heated in an argument and it turns into a power struggle that everyone wants to win. Say "see ya" to this adolescent wish and move on to the more adult compromise - flexibility.

The next time you have an argument with someone, validate that person's feelings simply by listening. Hear them out and you will find that they can move on a little more quickly. In addition, you will find that person become a little less angry and frustrated, and this, in turn, will help you to step down from your own anger stance. Practice makes perfect, so make an extra effort to listen the next time you're in the middle of a heated spat.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

Realizing Your Dreams Isn't Easy

2010-12-20T13:45:00.000-08:00

Late last night, I got back from New York City where I met with magazine staff and signed copies of my books at Barnes and Nobles and Borders bookstores where I was promoting my new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription.

It was a dream of mine since I was a teenager to write a book and get published. Yet making it happen was far from easy. I had to write the book proposal, find an agent, sell the book to a publisher, then finish writing it. But it didn't end there: as soon as it came out - and even during the time leading up to its launch - I had to start promoting it. The work never ends. I've said to others all along that no one ever hands you your dream career on a platter - you have to work your fingers to the bone to make that career happen.

This past weekend, I was in many bookstores where I saw the endless stacks of books written by huge media stars of all trades - Keith Olbermann, Whoopi Goldberg, The Barefoot Contessa, and so on. I thought about the fact that huge stars like these are lucky in that their name recognition alone will guarentee a certain level of sales for them. It's the unknown authors, like me, who have to work a thousand times harder to sell their books and build the career they've dreamed of.

Without question, I am willing to do the work. I am a quasi-workaholic and am always in a race with myself to be more productive. Along the journey toward getting my book published, I've come across many men and women who've shared their own dreams of writing a book one day.

If you have such a dream, hold onto that dream and never give up. I always tell my clients this: the difference between very successful people and people who aren't is that the very successful people NEVER GIVE UP.

I'm both happy and proud to achieve this life-long dream of becoming a published author, and I'm wiser for learning that achieving this dream is far more work and far less glamorous than I ever imagained. Yet there is something undeniably sacred and life-affirming in having a dream, working toward it, and watching it come true before your eyes.

If you have a dream to write your own book or, perhaps, to do something in another realm, chase that dream, believe in yourself, and never - ever - give up.

As I write this, I am taking my own advice!

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

Please...Stop Having Children!

2010-12-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay: this title needs an asterisk. I love kids and think that bringing children into the world and raising them well is one of the greatest things a person can do. I, too, one day hope to have kids. What I'm talking about here is people having children for the wrong reasons.

Far too often, men and women choose to have kids for the wrong reasons - basically, to fill them up and make them feel loved. This, in essence, is one of my most cringe-inducing, nostrils-flaring pet peeves. Children deserve to be born into situations where the parents are emotionally balanced and want children for the right reasons - to give them love and stability, and help them to flourish.

If you are in a relationship and contemplating having children, ask yourself why you want to have kids. Having children to keep up with the Joneses or simply because you've always wanted to have them are not good enough reasons. Talk with your partner and ask him or her the same thing.

In my private practice, I see many adults who come in for therapy because they didn't get the love, support, and attention they needed from their parents when they were young. When children don't get what they need from their parents, it's usually because their parents weren't ready or didn't want to have children for the right reasons in the first place.

So, how does this whole messed-up cycle work? It usually starts with social pressure to fit in and to do like those around you do. We all know that people often get married because that's just what everyone does. (Enter divorce, stage right). Unfortunately, people also have kids for similarly unhealthy reasons. Too many childless men and women fall victim to the social pressures that everyone is supposed to have kids to be happy and whole, and end up having kids themselves whom they later aren't so crazy about - or don't prioritize, which is even worse.

If this is one of the reasons why you want to have kids - because it's what everyone else is doing - give yourself permission to wait and really think about this life-long decision. The harsh, rat-infested reality is that having kids for the wrong reasons will backfire like nobody's business. With a couple of little ones yelling and screaming in the backseat, you could end up feeling frustrated, claustrophobic, and resentful if you're having them for the sake of filling your own voids, and take a wild guess whose radar will pick up that message loud and clear. Still not sure? The kids. THE KIDS!

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

Knowing When It's Time To...End A Relationship

2010-12-12T13:08:00.000-08:00

Knowing when to call it quits in love is difficult – in fact, it can feel downright impossible. The truth is, however, that sometimes men and women make it more difficult and confusing than it needs to be. Understand that over-thinking anything can make a decision more complex. In this way, you can actually run interference in your own life. It’s a good rule of thumb to remind yourself that you should never get in your OWN way in making a decision. You should simply use your judgment and make the best decision possible.

One of the best ways to make sense of the past and learn from it is to detect patterns. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, how long have you been unhappy? Let’s go a step further and look at what makes you unhappy to see if there’s a pattern. First, are the issues behavioral (he comes home too late, disrespects you in public, etc.) or are the issues more reflective of personality traits (she lies to you, is overly dependent, etc.)?

Determine if there is a consistent pattern that is making you unhappy, and then determine whether the main problem is a behavior or personality factor. There is no time limit I can tell you that is healthy – no set measure that says give him “3 months to change or else!” However, the more conscious you are of the patterns - and whether they reflect behavioral or personality issues – the better you will be able to make a decision based on sound judgment. Sometimes when we can articulate the problem more clearly, we can have a better idea about how to proceed in the future. Most importantly, we can have a better sense of whether we see the problem remaining or changing.

In the end, remember that we have only one life to live that we know about. My hope is that you live this one as happily and fully as possible, and that you find a loving relationship that lasts.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

facebook OCD: facebook Can Destroy Your Romantic Relationship!

2010-12-06T18:22:00.000-08:00

Oh, Lord, here we go: all over the world, men and women are emotionally regressing at rapid rates, morphing into adolescents who’ve caught a terrible romantic infection that leads to markedly jealous and paranoid feelings. I’m talking about how facebook, the social networking site that has the world singing with glee in the same universal chorus, and I’m concerned that the state of romantic relationships today is jeopardized because of it.

I find that men and women, when interested in someone romantically, are checking their romantic target’s facebook page, walls, etc., trying to get more information on said target. Early on, they’re on the hunt for photos: does it look like he might be with that girl? Is her arm wrapped around him in a sexual way? Do you think they’re together?

Once in the relationship, I see this obsessive-compulsive checking continuing and, to boot, getting worse. These men and women start searching for information about their romantic targets' friends, reading everyone’s walls for appearances of their romantic target’s name. People start getting anxious, and there’s no slowing down from there. Has she mentioned me on her wall? Has she posted any pictures of us yet together?

The worst of the facebook OCD I see is what happens when men and women in romantic relationships end their relationships. People are breaking into their target's facebook account once they’ve been cut out of their target’s friendship circle, trying to glean more information about what he or she is doing now. This behavior, the facebook obsessor often realizes, is becoming a problem. Checking facebook and what the targe is doing becomes its own drug. People start swearing off facebook, determined to close their accounts or vying to never check their target's page again.

Oh, this is terrible! The therapist in me is crying out: “This is really unhealthy, and it is lowering your self-esteem!” Facebook OCD is turning grown men and women into adolescents who are susceptible to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. One of the hallmarks of facebook is OCD is the fact that, after all the obsessive thoughts about their romantic targets and the compulsive checking on facebook to track their target's daily life, the checker feels worse: ashamed of the lengths they've gone to, and feeling empty, sad, and alone even thought they're connected - so to speak - with five hundred million others.

If you engage in this kind of self-destructive behavior on facebook, try to cut it out altogether, or, at least, to reduce its frequency. Focus on your feelings and your needs, rather than the person you were once – or still are – interested in. Finally, if facebook is leaving you feeling unhappy, consider taking a break. Maybe when you return to it, you’ll have had time to focus your mind on things that make you feel better, rather than worse.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

Dating Advice: Curb Your Sarcasm

2010-12-05T11:22:00.000-08:00

First of all, I must admit: I think that’s a pretty crafty title for this article. Now that I’m done patting myself on the back, I’ll get straight to the point. Because I focus a lot on relationships in my practice and book-writing, I spend a lot of time thinking about the art of relationships. In particular, I try hard to understand what gets in the way for men and women as they try to find the right romantic match for them. In doing so, I’ve had to spend a lot of time thinking about dating, because that’s the breeding ground – the petri dish, if you will – for romantic relationships. It all starts with dating.

That said, what are you like on a date? How do you come across to the person sitting across from you at the dinner table? Do you seem open or guarded? Sweet or cocky? Shy or aloof? These are good starter questions as you take inventory of how you come across on a date. If you have a hard time being objective when you consider how a date might perceive you, ask a friend his or her opinion on how a new date might perceive you. Friends can give you good – and sometimes, brutally honest – feedback on this issue.

I often find that one of the ways that men and women flirt when they are on their first date or are early in the dating process is to be sarcastic with their date. I’m not talking about being cruel or mean, but rather being playful, delivering teasing little verbal barbs to the man or woman you’re on the date with. For some people, this is simply one of the main ways that they flirt. It’s kind of like a game, meant to incite a little spark in the dialogue. For such men and women, being sarcastic on a date – particularly with someone they really like – gets the juices flowing and makes the interaction more exciting.

My advice: if you are someone who tends to get sarcastic as a means of flirting, be careful in doing so. Early in the dating process, everyone is a little nervous and uncomfortable, and everyone is doing their best to calm their anxieties and feel more comfortable. If you play the sarcastic card too soon or too frequently, it can send your date a mixed message. He or she might wonder, Does he or she even like me? In addition, you playing the sarcastic card can make your date feel more anxious. After all, you hardly even know each other, and it takes a while for people to get to know each others’ senses of humor.

There’s nothing wrong with expressing a little sarcasm when you’re dating. The goal is to remember that, if you like the person you’re dating, you need to focus more on being honest and kind than on being sarcastic. Too much sarcasm too soon might backfire and push the one you like away.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's at all Borders and Barnes & Noble stores, and online at Amazon.com

Keeping it Simple: 10 DATING TIPS

2010-12-03T18:08:00.000-08:00

1. Early in the dating process, make the dates activity-oriented. Malls, sporting events, and festivals are great examples of places to visit on your first few dates.

2. On your date, make sure to ask your date questions about him or her – e.g., likes, dislikes, a little information about where he or she comes from. Women often find that men on first dates don’t ask them a lot of questions about themselves, and this is a big turn-off for women.

3. On your date, avoid too much discussion about work or what your date does for a living. Men and women who make a lot of money, in particular, are often afraid that someone will simply want to be with them for their money, so asking them too much about their job might scare them away.

4. On your date, tell your date a little bit about your hobbies or interests.

5. On your date, show a little physical affection throughout the date if you like him or her – e.g., touch his or her arm warmly, or put your hand on his or her back for a moment.

6. On your date, don’t feel uncomfortable if there are a few moments where you’re not talking to each other. You’re just getting to know each other, so lulls in the conversation are perfectly normal. During such a lull, divert your eyes from your date and distract yourself – e.g., rearrange your silverware, take a breath, or ask for a dessert menu.

7. At the end of your date, if you like him or her, suggest something that you could do together on a future date. Don’t try to read too much into how he or she responds, because it’s often impossible to figure out how someone truly feels at that moment – only time will tell.

8. At the end of your date, avoid engaging in too much physical or sexual contact. If you like him or her, keep it simple with a kiss on the cheek. If you’re meant to be together, you’ll have a long time to get more physical. There’s no need to rush it!

9. After your date, don’t get caught up in the “Should I wait a day to call him?” drama. If you like him or her, make the phone call. Growing up = giving up the games.

10. After your date, remember that finding the love of your life is a numbers game. The more frequently you date new people, the more likely you will be to find someone you truly connect with. If your last date worked out and you stay together, that’s terrific – mission accomplished. If not, allow yourself a day to feel disappointed and then get back out there and start looking for your next date!