Never Compare Your Sex Life to Others'!

One of the main problems when it comes to sex is that people compare their own sex lives too much with the sex lives of others.


If you’re in a relationship, you and your partner will find the frequency that works for you. Many people don’t have sex that often but compare themselves to other couples who, they hear, may be having sex more frequently. “What’s wrong with us?” they often wonder. Nothing. Who said we’re supposed to be having sex all the time anyway? Aren’t we busy, tired, and working toward a hundred other goals?

I’ve never seen a truly asexual client, so my experience and training tell me that no one is truly asexual. But aside from that, there is a spectrum. Some people need sex several times per week, at least, while others are fine to go a few months.

Take the 1-10 scale, 10 being the most sexual, and each member of the couple EARLY IN THE RELATIONSHIP should say how sexual each of them is. Write it on a piece of paper so you don’t influence each other’s answers. This technique helps everyone to not take things personally if the other wants sex more, doesn’t want sex as much, etc.

My clients love the 1-10 technique and it saves some couple’s relationships. “Now, I know that she doesn’t like it as much because she’s more of a 6, and I’m unfortunately more of an 8," a given client will tell me. It's really that simple!

Raising Boys: New Book Puts America On Notice

We all know that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and attorney and bestselling author Lisa Bloom reminds us that American boys are the grease when it comes to caring for and protecting our youth. In her new book, Swagger: 10 Urgent Rules for Raising Boys in an Era of Failing Schools, Mass Joblessness, and Thug Culture, Bloom takes an exacting look at the trajectory boys are on today: graduating at lower rates, getting incarcerated at higher rates, and often self-medicating with drugs or other substances. Bloom shows us how popular culture encourages emotional numbness and thugdom which holds boys back in ways that prevent both social-emotional and professional development. I’ve read the book, and I can tell you that her insights and solutions are right on target.

In her book, Bloom makes many suggestions to help counter the nasty influences at work today, but the one that resonates the most with me is her position on reading. Simply put, she argues that reading is a powerful protector against the forces that can bring a boy down in today’s world, allowing him to learn and develop self-esteem simultaneously. Go figure, a boy developing self-esteem because he’s well-read and knowledgeable, as opposed to the gone-in-a-minute confidence that comes from, say, mastering a video game!

As a therapist, I sincerely appreciate Bloom’s take on gender stereotypes. It sounds like she hates them just as much as I do, but she leaves room for the occasional instances in which they’re true, or true-ish. When you understand, for example, that boys underperform compared to girls in every grade and subject, you realize that there are distinct mechanisms at work in negatively influencing the minds of boys – because it’s not that boys are dumber than girls. Fortunately, Swagger offers simple steps parents can follow to step in and make sure they’re doing everything in their power from preventing their sons from becoming another nasty statistic.

I'm sure we all agree that boys have so much potential. I have a 5-year old son, and I can tell you that he has, well, an awful lot of energy. (That’s the diplomatic way to describe him after a night when I’ve had enough rest.) My challenge as his parent is to channel that energy into the right outlets which, for me, means encouraging him to read, teaching him about nature and plants, and modeling empathy for him. I read to my son even when he’d rather play with his ball, and I talk until I’m blue in the face about following through and finishing projects he starts.

My personal view is that a lot of the trouble boys can get into stems from their vast resource of energy - and boys, as a rule, do seem to have more energy than girls. Too much energy can be a very bad thing, particularly when boys are flooded with video games, computers, and hand-held computer devices that practically beg for a bona fide diagnosis of Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I know that cars are sold with DVD players for the kids, but that doesn’t mean we have to buy them. Let’s let boys – and the girls, too – sit in the back and actually use their imaginations to pass the time.

A good parenting book always gets me worked up, and Lisa Bloom’s book, Swagger is no exception. She reminds us that there are so many things we can do to help our boys and improve their future course with a caveat: almost all of them involve a parent’s time and attention. Sure, it’s a drain on our own emotional and energy resources as parents, particularly if you work full-time and have other kids in the house. But these boys are worth it, and it’s our responsibility to take better care of them.

"Mom-flict": Fix Your Relationship with Mom for Mother's Day!

Let’s be honest: Mother’s Day isn’t just about fancy lunches, boxes of chocolates, and manufactured greeting cards. It’s also time to reflect on your relationship. In anticipation of Mother’s Day this year, take a moment and think about the quality of your relationship with Mom, and ask yourself if there are ways that you can improve it.

Ideally, the mother/adult child relationship is defined by a mutual respect and acceptance. But for many, this isn’t the case. In my clinical work, I have found that there are several types of mother-adult child relationships that can result in “mom-flicts":

COMPETITORS:

Some grown children play out a life-long power struggle with their mothers, constantly seeking the approval of the other but never getting it. Both mother and grown child feel frustrated and misunderstood. Neither wants to believe that they are competitive and will often see the other as the guilty culprit.

STUCK IN THE PAST:

The grown child and mother maintain the same dynamic as during childhood. The mother continues to be overprotective, while the grown child obeys her and avoids confrontation. Romantic partners are often resentful, frustrated with the mother for overstepping her boundaries and with their partner for not standing up to her. This is a “three-person couple.”

CODEPENDENTS:

An invisible umbilical cord still connects mother and adult child, where daily phone calls, emails, and text messages define communication. Though the relationship looks close, it’s often unhealthy, with secret resentments and fears.

THE FREEZER:

There’s little to no emotional connection. Mother and child feel obligation, but neither shares any meaningful or intimate details about their personal lives. There is usually a personality mismatch, where neither would likely be interested in having a relationship if not biologically related.

To resolve common “mom-flicts” that may stem from these types of relationships, there are several steps that you can take.

First, show appreciation of your Mom by investing in the relationship like a Roth IRA. You can’t repair it without regular and consistent effort – even a five-minute phone call with realistic frequency, once a week to twice a month. Try what I call “Random Reach-Outs” – surprise calls or spur of the moment drop-bys – where your goal is to simply connect and say a quick hello. Also consider trying what I (figuratively) call “Dates with Your Mom,” which involves planning an activity for the two of you to spend quality alone time without the distractions of significant others or kids. Remember that small gestures – like making a significant effort on mom’s birthday with a care package or sending mom an old happy family photo of the two of you – will make a big impact.

Routine “mom-flict” with your Mom also calls for a direct discussion in which you address the relationship issues. Try a Quid Pro Quo method, where mother and child each pick one behavior they’re willing to change, and make it a friendly competition, to see who can actually follow through on their word.

Finally, keep your expectations realistic. You may never have a skipping-down-the-street relationship with your Mom, so use what therapists call positive self-talk – or mantras, to everyone else – to keep things in perspective. Put a stop to inevitable tension by coming up with one or two sentences designed to calm rising anger when you feel an argument approaching, things you can tell yourself in the heat of the moment, including something like, “She can really bother me, but it doesn’t mean she’s a bad person.”

Ultimately, in the vast majority of cases, Moms have the best intentions with their children and do they best they can to love and support their kids.

Dr. Seth: Featured on Huffington Post

My article on make-up sex was taken far too literally. People need to understand the meaning of speaking figuratively. And, by the way, studies show that sex and drug use often stimulate the same neurotransmitters in the brain.

I hope that people can see the forest through the trees and benefit from the advice in the article. You really do have to be careful in relationships - stormy ones, in particular - to make sure that you're having sex for the right reasons.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/emma-gray/make-up-sex-is-like-cocaine-addiction-clinical-psychologist-seth-meyers-psychology-today_b_1500331.html

Gawker Media MOCKS Dr. Seth - Oh No They Didn't!

http://gawker.com/5908079/psychologists-say-to-avoid-make+up-sex-but-guess-what-they-dont-know-your-life

Dr. Seth: On Headline News

Make-Up Sex: Don't Try This at Home

Intense romantic relationships often include powerful arguments, followed by powerful make-up sex. In general, make-up sex is bad news because it reinforces fighting and emotional drama. Think about it: If you have amazing sex after you have a huge fight, doesn't it make sense to fight again when the reward is so great?


In a healthy relationship, two people can come together after a disagreement and share physical intimacy because they feel close. However, the search for greater intimacy and trust isn't what motivates most make-up sex. The truth is that most make-up sex results from having felt and expressed extreme negative emotions during a heated argument, without any true resolution afterward. Because these individuals get sick of feeling the negative extreme end of the spectrum, they hunger to switch gears and jump to the opposite end of the spectrum - to feel the high that comes with making up. Honestly, it's not that different from an addict who needs a hit of cocaine.

During make-up sex, couples often express extreme positive emotions and they reach a momentary state of bliss. They declare grand statements of love and feel, in that moment, that they are sure they belong together.

The problem: This isn't real intimacy. Intimacy is about a mutual love and balance, while drama is about extremes and fantasies. Make-up sex often reflects the unconscious fantasy to be able to make everything better with sex. Sadly, it's often after couples have this heated sexual moment that they feel sadder and more lonely when the old feelings come back.

When you find someone you truly belong with, you feel balanced because you think things are in the emotional order they are supposed to be in. The next time you have a fight with your partner and you later try to initiate make-up sex, sit with those feelings a little longer and make sure you are having sex for the right reason.

Should you find yourself in the middle of a sexual encounter and suddenly realize that you feel confused, angry or sad, gently pull back and explain to your partner that you want to stop and try again later. If your partner pushes you to explain in that moment exactly what's going on wityh you, simply say "I'm not sure, but I know that it'll make sense to me a little later." These moments can be difficult and uncomfortable, but checking in with yourself and communicating honestly and directly is the best way to keep the problem from snowballing.

When Everyone Is Breaking Up Around You

If you’re in a good relationship, you probably want to believe that the relationship you have will last forever. Of course, the reality is that most relationships don’t stand the test of time. You’re no fool, right? You know the odds of relationships lasting, but nevertheless tell yourself that your relationship might be one of the relationships that really lasts.

Well, it’s hard to tell yourself that you’ll be together forever when couples around you start dropping like flies. When couples close to you decide to call it quits, it can make you feel afraid – almost superstitious – that your relationship might show up at the pearly gates in the sky, as well. It can be sad to watch couples crumble around you, but you need to remind yourself of something I always tell my clients: If two people truly aren’t meant to be together, the relationship will end sooner or later. No matter how hard two people who don't belong together try, or how long they can stretch the duration of the relationship out, the underlying true incompatibility will always prevail.

When couples around you start breaking up, and you fear that the wicked alignment of the stars will somehow curse your romantic fate, consciously talk yourself down from the anxiety. If it makes you feel better, check in with your partner and share your fears, as superstitious as they may be. Having a taking-inventory conversation might help to alleviate your anxiety. Ask questions like, “Are you happy? Is there anything I’m doing that bothers you?” Say things like, “I want to be the best partner I can be to you.”

Though it may sound contrived or overly sentimental to process relationship dynamics in such a direct manner, such efforts on your part can make the difference between a couple that lasts and one that runs out of gas.