How to Find a Wife: It's Like a "Greatest Hits" CD

"I think it might be over with me and my girlfriend."

At a seminar where I recently spoke, a man came up to me after I spoke and asked for a little advice. He told me his situation and explained that he was afraid that his days were numbered with his girlfriend, and shared in detail his feeling that he somehow failed and should have found The One by this point in time.

While I can understand the cruddy feelings that come with a potential breakup, I told him that his perception of the relationship overall was skewed. The truth, I told him, is that each relationship is supposed to teach you something important that will lead you to The One. If you haven't yet found it, it means that you may have another relationship or two to go through before you figure out which kind of person you truly need.

A relationship ending is never a failure - it's all about the learning experience. A wife, I explained, is like a Greatest Hits CD, a combination of the best parts of the various women he's been with in the past. Sadly for the man who approached me at the seminar, it turned out that his soon-to-be ex would turn out to be just a song on the album of his life, rather than the full CD that he wanted to listen to for years to come.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Moms: Why You Need to Learn to Ask for HELP!

Because moms provide the fuel that makes the world go 'round, moms are extra susceptible to burnout. As a clinical psychologist in private practice, I have learned the hard way about burnout – giving can be wonderful, but it can also be draining. Moms have unique struggles, often carrying the burden of raising the children and running the household, and often even having paying jobs outside the home. I am offering some suggestions to help lessen your load a little so that you can reduce your own burnout.

How often do you ask for help in your daily routine? You’ve got ten million things to do, and you may feel like being a ‘good’ mom means that you should be doing it all yourself. More than that, you may feel that you should be doing it well. I have learned in my own life to use the following mantra and to repeat it to myself throughout the day: “Something always has to give.” When you feel overloaded, try coming up with an expression – a mantra – that you can say to yourself to silence what I call your HIGH STANDARDS DEMONS.

The reality is that everyone – supermoms included – has a breaking point. You can get tired and run-down, stressed about money and how the children are doing, and worried about how you’ll keep up with everything you’ve got to do. The important point is to know that you have limits and learn to realize when you’re reaching your own boiling point. The boiling point often coincides with feeling particularly tired, stressed, or irritable. When you’ve reached this point, it’s time to ask for help.

The first order of business is to call a family meeting. Explain to your family – even the little ones you’re responsible for – that you are run-down and need a little extra help to get you through this phase. You can tell your husband or partner the details, and explain in simple terms to your children that you need a little break. With little kids, say something like “Mom has been doing so much that she feels really tired.” This is an important life lesson that you are teaching your children – that you are human and that everyone has limits. In your family meeting, ask your family what they can do to pitch in a little extra with some of the chores and obligatins. Ask your husband if he wouldn’t mind doing the grocery shopping for the next two weeks, or if he can put the kids to bed a couple nights or help with homework so that you can have some down time and take a bath.

In addition to your family, call a couple friends and ask if they can help you out a little for the time being. Assure them that you will return the favor when they get a little run-down, too. Ask a friend if she can pick the kids up at school a day or two this week, or ask a friend if she can drop off some food at your house for dinner. Again, something always has to give.

Thinking longer term, it might be a good idea to start a carpool with other moms if you haven’t done so already. If you already have a carpool set up, it might be worth considering adding another mom or two to the carpool list. Make a deal with a friend that if both of you have to make some cupcakes for an event, you’ll switch off with that responsibility so that each of you doesn’t have to bake for every single event.

Finally, when was the last time you asked an extended family member – parent, sibling, whomever – to come stay with the kids for the weekend so that you and your husband can take a weekend off and recharge your batteries? If it’s been a while, get out your daily planner and start setting it up.

Moms, you deserve a break. The problem is that nobody is going to hand it to you on a platter, so you need to put the word out that it’s time for you to get a little help.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

DR. SETH'S RELATIONSHIP & LOVE ADVICE: When Someone You Love Is...Bipolar

DR. SETH'S RELATIONSHIP & LOVE ADVICE: When Someone You Love Is...Bipolar: "Bipolar Disorder is one of the most severe mental disorders a person could have. The lives of those suffering from it are hugely impacted by..."

When Someone You Love Is...Bipolar

Bipolar Disorder is one of the most severe mental disorders a person could have. The lives of those suffering from it are hugely impacted by it. While other disorders, such as depression and anxiety, often work in cycles or waves, Bipolar Disorder requires constant, vigilant management. The disorder is typically managed by daily medication and talk therapy.

The trademark of Bipolar Disorder is

a major mood imbalance. The person may go from depressed to a manic state, or may experience other shifts in mood that affect the person's ability to function. People who have Bipolar Disorder often have a hard time sleeping. It's not unusual for someone unmedicated with this disorder to be up for two or three days straight because their mind and body simply won't let them sleep.

How do these symptoms affect the loved ones of these people? It has an effect. Parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers see these individuals pass between depression and mania, and they see what a toll it takes on them. One of the realities for the loved ones is they begin to understand that they cannot expect the person to always be consistent; they know the mood and behavior can significantly change.

The situation is more difficult when the loved ones aren't ware of what the problem is. Watching the moods shift can be confusing. If the loved ones don't understand how the disorder works, they can get caught in a cycle of trying to figure out why the person changes so much. Know that if someone's mood appears to change a lot more than yours, they probably have a mood disorder. Just as Depression is one example of a mood disorder, Bipolar Disorder is another.

The situation is often the most difficult for the loved ones who live in the same house as the person with Bipolar Disorder. The reason for this is because the sufferer goes through major mood 'spells' and the sufferer himself or herself feels overwhelmed and often feels a loss of control as a result. This mood shift often spills over to others, and this can set the tone for the mood in the entire house. Loved ones can find themselves walking on eggshells because they never know what to expect next.

In addition, when the sufferer goes into a manic cycle, the inability to sleep can disrupt the whole house. If you share a bed with the person, you may wake up at 4 a.m. and wonder where that person is. You may be further upset when you find that he or she has been up for the third night in a row, unable to lay in bed and sleep. Even if you don't share the bed, that person may be up making noise in the middle of the night and may keep others in the house awake.

Overall, loving someone with Bipolar Disorder creates fear and anxiety in the loved ones. The loved ones learn that medication often does a good job managing the symptoms, so the loved ones become extra cautious and almost parental: "Did you take your medication today?" Though the loved ones would prefer not to worry about this, they know what happens when the sufferer goes off his or her meds.

One of the most helpful things you can do if you have a loved one with this disorder is to find a friend who has a loved one with this disorder, too, or find a therapist with whom you can discuss how this affects you. Though you may try to believe you're fine and you have made the best of the situation, talking things out may help reduce your own frustration and anxiety.

Finally, there is a wonderful organization called NAMI. You can find it easily online. The organization offers groups in many communities in which you can meet others who have loved ones with mental illness, and you can also work with others to advocate for greater understanding of mental illness.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

5 Simple Dating Tips

Let's be honest for a minute, okay? Dating isn’t always easy or comfortable for anyone. The dating process can get complicated because it’s easy to get entrapped by your own insecurities or to cross paths with an unkind or rude date who holds no punches in turning you off or doing something to annoy the you-know-what out of you. Yet these simple tips will help make dating easier and keep you feeling comfortable so that you protect your own ego en route to finding the partner who’s a good match for you!

Tip # 1
Keep realistic expectations. Don’t approach a date with the mindset that you will meet “The One.” This is magical thinking. Your date could possible turn into that terrific partner but it will take time to get to that realization. Again, be realistic!

Tip # 2
Plan dates around activities that you like to do. Feel free to suggest activities and environments that suit you – the worst that could happen is that your date says “no.” The bottom line is that you can be most yourself when you feel comfortable and at ease. If you’re an outdoors person, suggest a walk in a park or walk around an outdoor mall. If you like quiet or intimate places, check out a restaurant that serves the type of cuisine you like. Being yourself = engaging in activities that reflect your interests.

Tip # 3
Don’t schedule the usual dinner and a movie. The reality is that you might not want to hang out with your date for four hours if there’s little or no spark between the two of you. Suggest an activity that takes about an hour, and give yourself permission to call it an early night if you’re not feeling the connection. Don’t fall into the guilt trap – nobody ever defined in a textbook how long a date should last! You are a co-writer of the rules.

Tip # 4
Don’t go out of your comfort zone in the early stages of dating. You don’t have to meet your date’s family or his or her huge group of friends if you’d rather get to know your date first. Nobody wants to be judged and surveyed, and meeting groups of people all at once is the surest way to invite this kind of uncomfortable attention.

Tip # 5
Never, ever agree to plans that you don’t think you’ll follow up on after the date is over. If your date really likes you, he or she may try to set something up for next time: “Let’s go there next time – you want to?” Let yourself feel free to say “maybe” but don’t fall into saying “yes, sure” when you don’t mean it. Finally, at the end of the date, don’t feel that you have to say “I’ll call you tomorrow or next week.” In such cases, it’s more honest to say “Nice to meet you and have a good night.”

Ultimately, remember that dating is risky business and that it can sometimes be unpleasant when you meet the wrong match for dinner or a drink. That said, keeping these simple tips in mind will make the journey a little smoother!

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

GUEST BLOGGER Sarah Nean Bruce: Modern Women

Modern Women consider etiquette during dating and beyond. There are taboo topics and misbehaviors that annoy and turn off both women and men.

They don’t want to hear about the “eX” and how much he dislikes her or how she’s poisoned his friends or his kids or his boss or his dog. They think men might badmouth them that way if things don’t work out. They don’t want to hear about how his mother ruined his life, or didn’t care for him or that she loved him too much. Modern Women often equate how a man treats, and speaks about, his mother as an indicator of how he will deal with them.

In the beginning, they don’t want to know how much money a man has lost in the real estate market or the stock market or a business. Or how bad the economy is treating him or how bad business is for him. They don’t want constant mentions of how stressed he is and his fear about a lack of money or paid work, or that he needs to get these clients or gigs or sales. Modern Women are not gold diggers, but they want security as much as men do. Equally, they don’t want men who are gold diggers and looking for Ms. Moneybags to facilitate the guy becoming a kept-man to live the life of Riley and total leisure.

They don’t want men to apologize for living in a small house or condominium or apartment. Nor do they need to hear that they want to get that big house again like the one they had when they were married. They don’t want men to make excuses for their residence, their CB2 furniture, or their work in the home office since they had to shut down their big office.

Conversely, Modern Women don’t want to hear how much money the men have or how many sports cars or SUVs or hybrids they own. They like men who are successful, assertive and self-assured, but they don’t like boasters and show-offs. On the other hand, they definitely don’t want men who are narcissists, posers, interlopers, opportunists, freeloaders, con artists, chico espartos, or couch-surfers.

Many Modern Women date within, or above, their financial class because they want a partner who has the similar goals and aspirations. They have read that an artist and a scientist can both be motivated and enthusiastic about their work and have tons of things in common but they also are realistic that it can be hard when a modern woman is financially more successful than her man because it’s societal, it’s social and it’s psychological. It doesn’t mean that a relationship is impossible, it just means Modern Women recognize paradoxical challenges of the 21st Century.

Modern Women don’t want men to flood over them like a tidal wave of too many communiqués and too many calls that hint of a quiet desperation to keep them monopolized, attracted and distracted while men evaluate potential or financial portfolios.

They want men to make the dinner plans and know that women won’t change those plans that took time to make. Modern Women enjoy men who will plan and make them dinner, or go to the gourmet food store to gather a dinner. Modern Women want men to know that they appreciate it and will say thank you after that dinner date planned, or made or gathered for them.

Modern Women believe that developing a deep connection takes time. They want to know if they’re physically and intimately compatible with each other and maybe even by the third week, around the third of fourth date, they will explore that. They definitely don’t like men who try to make them feel bad about wanting to use protection (condom) during intimate relations. And they really don’t want to be with men who are sleeping around.

Modern women know that early on there are bonding behaviors that intensify a relationship. They like to enjoy the quixotic ride a bit. They like to have the benefit of that romantic, electrifying bonding period.

Dr. Seth: Featured in USA Today

I was thrilled to be interviewed for a story in USA Today that will appear in the next couple of weeks. I will post a link when the story is published!

Never Say "'Til Death Do Us Part..."

Recently I was socializing with a couple who has been together for a few years. During our conversation, the couple declared without hesitation that they would be together forever. The degree of certainty with which they spoke could have only been grammatically captured with three exclamation points.

Perhaps I should have held my tongue, but I tried to gently express my surprise: How can you be so sure? Each member of the couple agreed that they’d never felt such a profound connection, and they insisted they could never recreate this kind of connection with someone else.

I though for a moment about a scene I remember from what might be the Madonna documentary “Truth Or Dare” years ago (if memory serves me correct). I recall her saying something dismissive to the effect of “I’ve already met everybody,” speaking about people she did not know and did not need to know. At the time, I felt profound pity for anyone who would make such a spiritless and ignorant comment. Though I have much greater respect for the couple I’m talking about, I was similarly shocked about the idea that people can speak with such certainty about the unknown – as if life is so predictable.

Not that there is a right answer in terms of how a couple should answer such a question, but I do believe it’s impossible to know how each of us will change and how that change could affect the dynamic we have in our existing relationships. It seems to me that it is perfectly normal to hope that you will be with your current partner forever. However, it seems abnormal to predict the future.

If you find yourself falling prey to extreme opinions about how your future will unfold, it is important to ask yourself if you are truly operating from a place of fear. After all, you may hope that you are together forever, but only time will tell the truth.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Dr. Seth: On the Radio

Check me out on Seattle's KKNW radio station today on the Marie Manuchehri Show. I'll be on for the full hour talking about relationship problems and taking calls from listeners - my favorite!

Staying Friends After Divorce: Why It's So Important

Check out Dr. Seth's hundreds of self-improvement videos at his YouTube channel, Dr. Seth: Psychologist.

Let's face it: romantic love often comes to an end. The theory goes that relationships end because the love ends, meaning that one or both members of the couple fall out of love. The reasons why they fall out of love inevitably vary. While some people's careers or professional obligations may draw them away from their relationship, others experience betrayal they can't forget or move past. Some lovers simply change and grow apart, and realize they were not meant to be together. One of the most perplexing realities is what often comes with divorce.

Most of you have probably had the experience of witnessing the forced encounter of two people who were once married in the past but who seem to have almost no connection with each other. I always wonder, Are you sure you were ever married? Many good songwriters have captured the melancholia and mystery that comes with the demise of a romantic union. I'm thinking of Carly Simon, for example, who sang the song "Coming Around Again" in which she sings "so good on paper, so romantic, but so bewildering."

When a relationship goes south and a couple decides to separate, what happens to the love? Does it truly die?

Based on my clinical work over the years, I've found that the love never truly dies, no matter what came between the two individuals. It seems more likely that the love remains but is repressed to defend against strong, unpleasant feelings underneath. When you see two people who treat each other as strangers but who were once married, you don't see the love on the surface, but it's there - only in repressed form. You see the manifestation of the anger, sadness, or denial, but it covers strong feelings underneath. You can't simply love someone day after day and ever truly stop loving that person.

You surrender to denial if you can't accept that there is a part of you that still loves and misses that person, even if it's only the most miniscule part of you. Music comes to mind again as I think of Whitney Houston singing "...and if somebody loves you, won't they always love you?" The answer, in a word, is yes, though some will go to the grave denying it.

It is rare, it seems, that couples are able to hold onto a friendship and remain close while still moving on after the divorce. I am always impressed when I see couples who manage to stay friends, as it takes strength in character and an understanding of the bigger picture to rise above the hurt. While we can't do much to change the state of affairs in other couples, you can reflect on your own relationship.

If you are single, reflect on what you hope for in your next relationship. If you're looking for a partner who is also your best friend, think in advance about what you can do now to make sure that you never have to see an ex and treat him or her like a stranger.

At the end of the day, the real goal in life must be to integrate all of the various parts that make up who you are: your feelings, motivations, beliefs, and dreams. Though some of them may not be pretty, or may not make perfect sense, all of them together reflect who you are. Too often, men and women end relationships and feel that they made a mistake in choosing the partner they committed to in the past because the relationship didn't work. But such a perspective betrays the bigger picture, that relationships are one of life's greatest classrooms, and it's within this conext that we figure out what we need and learn how to move closer to true fulfillment.

Barring cases of abuse, learning to forge a friendship with your ex after divorce can be a truly healing experience and allows for an important integration of your past with the present.

Check out Dr. Seth's hundreds of self-improvement videos at his YouTube channel, Dr. Seth: Psychologist.