What a Bad Economy Does to Men

Simply put, men + a bad economy = problems.

Men tend to internalize what is going economically in the larger culture. They identify themselves as providers, so the ability to provide for others is one of their primary needs. If this need goes unfulfilled, they will feel anxious, preoccupied, and, at times, even depressed. When things are going well economically, life for men is usually good. During such periods, they feel secure in their jobs, their bank account is increasing, and they feel confident in their ability to financially provide for their families in housing and educating their children.

HOWEVER, when things go poorly economically, they feel insecure about their ability to provide for others and, overall, they will feel insufficient. In such circumstances, men tend to feel anxious and emasculated, and often self-medicate with over-eating or drinking or smoking too much. Additionally, they often suffer from irritable mood because they feel a loss of control.

When the economy is in rough shape, circumstances for men are exacerbated by the fact that men aren’t good at asking for help. So, when they need to vent the most and need to ask for help, they sabotage themselves. Ultimately, if you are the man who feels overwhelmed, talk to someone openly about it. Releasing it will make it (a little) better. If the man is someone in your life whom you love and care about, let him know that you are there to offer support. Sometimes all anyone needs is a shoulder to cry on!

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth's book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, about how to stop repeating the same negative patterns in your romantic relationships. This book is for what Dr. Seth calls Relationship Repeaters. (Click the book cover at the top right to buy a copy today!)

Pre-Marital Counseling: Why Only for Religious Couples???

Given the laundry list of factors that can lead to divorce (money problems, adultery, differences in raising children, and so on), the smartest thing that couples can do is to seek counseling before they say “I do.” The problem is that, typically, the only couples who engage in pre-marital counseling include couples who actively practice a religion. For many couples involved with a church, temple, or another religious institution, the religious leaders there seriously encourage pre-marital counseling for all engaged couples. Yet why don’t nonreligious couples step up to the plate and get some help, too?

Some studies suggest that couples who have pre-marital counseling have a lower divorce rate than other couples, but this is difficult to measure because there are other factors (or mediating variables, to be research-specific) that may help couples to stay together. For example, if the majority of couples who receive such counseling are religious, it’s impossible to tease out what helps two people stay together when times get tough: practicing a religion, pre-marital counseling, or the social support of a religious community?

Having conducted couples therapy with many women and men over the years, I see how beneficial it is for couples to deal with problems early – before they morph into gigantic barricades that destroy any hope for resolution. Some couples come to therapy when a slight problematic pattern emerges, and these couples tend to improve quickly and effectively. Why? Because the resentments aren’t yet set in concrete. Other couples, however, put off dealing with their problems until things get so bad that they’ve stopped communicating, having sex, or spending quality time together. As a therapist, I can say that the earlier a couple starts therapy, the better the prognosis for the longevity of the relationship.

The point is simple: Pre-marital counseling is the smartest decision that any couple can make, and you don’t need to be religious to try it. No matter how cohesive a couple may be, problems and differences will inevitably arise, so pre-marital counseling really functions like the best insurance policy a couple could ever purchase. Why so many couples avoid pre-marital counseling – or counseling early in the marriage, for that matter – has to do with fear.

At root, most men and women fear that talking openly about problems with a counselor will lead to even more problems and the eventual dissolution of the relationship. But please hear me when I say that the reality is counter-intuitive! Though it can be scary to vent your anger, frustration and resentments, it is the release of these feelings in a structured context that actually allows two people to move past them and later start liking each other again.

In this case, I believe that religious leaders and their respective congregations have figured out what most people still resist: everyone needs help with their relationships. Further, these couples feel that there’s nothing wrong with getting help prior to making such an enormous commitment. So, nonreligious couples, take notes and learn from them as your marriage will thank you many years later.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth's book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, today about how to stop repeating the same negative patterns in your romantic relationships today. (Click the book cover to the right to buy a copy today!)

Read Dr. Seth's New Article...

Sarah Palin: A Purpose-Free Life?

Read This Book: Super Immunity by Dr. Joel Fuhrman

I get a lot of books sent to me from publishers, and this one has to be one of my recent favorites. Dr. Fuhrman's new book is a great read, full of important information that you can use in your everyday life.

For me, the best part of the book is Chapter 3: "Super Foods for Super Immunity." In the chapter, one of his main points is to highlight the value of cruciferous vegetables, a group that includes kale, cabbage, collards and broccoli, and some nongreen vegetables that include cauliflower and turnips. Dr. Fuhrman goes into great detail about the many ways that these vegetables can make you healthier and stronger.

Check this book out today. You won't be disppointed!

Dr. Seth in the Media

Check out Dr. Seth in USA Today's Your Life Guide to Men's Health: Special Fall Edition on newstands now!

Too Much Sex: When He Wants More Than You Do

Though sex can be fun and enjoyable, it sure can cause a lot of problems in relationships!

One of the most commmon complaints I hear in my practice has to do with sex. Either someone isn't getting as much as desired, is being pressured to dish it out, or any other variations of the same problem. Recently, I gave a talk at a seminar and was approached at the seminar's end by a woman who was having a sexual problem of her own in her relationship.

"What am I supposed to do?" Sherry, the thirty-something woman with a colorful sundress and a big smile, asked me. "It seems like he wants it all the time, and it's never enough, no matter how often I give in."

The truth is that Sherry isn't alone. Many other women out there have husbands who want sex with great frequency, and the men sometimes use manipulative tactics to get what they want. Some men will try to make their wife feel bad, will get angry, or will even give their wife the silent treatment if they don't get what they want.

Okay, Rule # 1: Sex is voluntary. If you are in a relationship where your partner wants more sex than you are comfortable having, you have to have a sit-down chat and discuss the problem openly. State clearly how often you are comfortable having sex, and be clear that you can't be expected to have sex when it's not something that you want.

Now, having this conversation won't solve the problem completely; it simply starts the ongoing conversation you need to be having with your partner. The next thing you need to do is to either suggest seeing a couples therapist to help you, or take a trip to the bookstore and explore the self-help section for a book that will help - because there are many!

The takeaway message: Whatever you do, don't agree to sex when you're not feeling it. You deserve better than to throw yourself under the bus that way, stifling your feelings in order to please a man.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

This one is oh so true!!!

If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang. ~Charley Reese

Start Meditating, Damn It!

If you don't already meditate, I seriously encourage you to give it a try. Out of all of the techniques I have been trained in and use with clients, this is one of the ones that I see bringing some of the most positive results.

I know, I know: You can't calm down enough to do it? Well, the simple answer is that you must force yourself, even if just in increments of 60 seconds. Now, that's not so long, is it?

When you start meditating, seat yourself on the floor, sit up straight with the best possible posture, and take a few deep breaths. Don't worry about clearing your mind immediately, because that often only comes with tremendous practice over time. Simply picture a peaceful scene (the beach, a prairie, whatever it takes) to get yourself started.

Again, don't get yourself worked up in subscribing to the idea that you have to meditate for a full hour for it to make any difference - that's all B.S. Just put one foot in front of the other, and give it a super-short try! Finally, if you don't believe me, poll ten or so friends and ask of they have begun to incorporate meditation into their daily lives. Sooner or later, I guarantee you that you will find someone who swears by it.

P.S. If this is any consolation, I will admit that I, too, am working on developing this practice in my own life and am working my way up to five-minute sessions. Kinda sad, I know, but I'm certainly trying!