Time to Sob: How Do You Know When It's Time to End a Romantic Relationship?

I have to start to with this: Ever heard Mary-Chapin Carpentar's song "Quittin' Time?" Well, if you haven't, YouTube it. You won't regret it. (And I won't digress any further by telling you that she was one of the best concerts I've ever been to).

Now, folks, let's get to the show. Knowing when to call it quits in love is difficult – and it can feel downright impossible. The truth is, however, that sometimes men and women make it more difficult and confusing than it needs to be. Understand that over-thinking anything can make a decision more complex. In this way, you can actually run interference in your own life. It’s a good rule of thumb to remind yourself that you should never get in your OWN way in making a decision. You should simply use your judgment and make the best decision possible.

One of the best ways to make sense of the past and learn from it is to detect patterns. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, how long have you been unhappy? Let’s go a step further and look at what makes you unhappy to see if there’s a pattern. First, are the issues behavioral (he comes home too late, disrespects you in public, etc.) or are the issues more reflective of personality traits (she lies to you, is overly dependent, etc.)?

Determine if there is a consistent pattern that is making you unhappy, and then determine whether the main problem is a behavior or personality factor. There is no time limit I can tell you that is healthy – no set measure that says give him “3 months to change or else!” However, the more conscious you are of the patterns - and whether they reflect behavioral or personality issues – the better you will be able to make a decision based on sound judgment. Sometimes when we can articulate the problem more clearly, we can have a better idea about how to proceed in the future. Most importantly, we can have a better sense of whether we see the problem remaining or changing.

In the end, remember that we have only one life to live that we know about. My hope is that you live this one as happily and fully as possible, and that you find a loving relationship that lasts.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

When Gorgeous Guys Date Unattractive Girls

Before we get into this, I must confess: This issue drives me full-on bonkers, the kind of bonkers that has me pulling my hair out and stubbing my toe at the very same time. I'm talking about hearing-Katy-Perry-for-the millionth-time bonkers. (Sorry, Katy, but your music does push me over the edge).

Okay, back to the good stuff. I'm talking about the so-called phenomenon of a beautiful man dating or even marrying a so-called unattractive woman. I'm sure some examples come to mind, perhaps some famous or some in your very own neighborhood. In a nutshell, I can assure you that most people don't spend a lot of time - or even notice enough to remember and talk about it later -thinking about how and why such appearance discrepancies exist. And simply put, they shouldn't.

I deal with this issue with clients in my psychotherapy practice and in getting mail from readers of my book or blog. When someone comments on how it doesn't make sense why a gorgeous guy would be with an ugly girl, it tells me that this person places far too much importance on physical appearance. In other words, because the guy is attractive, he is seen as more valuable; the girl, meanwhile, is seen as less than because she is not attractive.

When I see couples together and note that one is markedly more attractive than the other, I imagine that the less attractive partner is probably pretty damn cool and interesting. Ever spoken to someone beautiful, by the way, who doesn't seem to have much going on upstairs? Great, you see my point.

I spend most of my time counseling clients and writing about relationship issues, and the bulk of it is spent trying to help people see that the characteristics they should be focusing on romantically are the internal ones - not the external. I'm talking about how committed, honest, and kind someone is. As long as you're focused on this, you'll be just fine.

Bottom Line: The next time you see a gorgeous guy with a girl you believe isn't his equal in the appearance department, remember that everyone's taste is different and that what matters the most is finding someone who is genuinely interesting and kind! And trust me, with each passing year, looks will matter less and less to you.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

'Picky' in Dating: You're Kidding Yourself!

Lately, I've come across a handful of people in various settings who swear to me that they reason they don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend is because they're simply picky. When they say it, I might add, they say it in a way that that suggests that the problems is others - not themselves.

The truth is that people who are extremely picky in dating - I'm talking about nothing ever lasting longer than six months - are actually terrified of intimacy. Yet by telling themselves that they're picky, they make themselves feel better while simultaneously living in denial about the real problem: it's them and their distorted thinking!

Hey, let's be honest: You shouldn't be falling in love with every random person you meet for a dinner date, but you should be meeting someone who is GOOD ENOUGH. Picky people are living in fear and waste their time daydreaming about Mr. or Miss Perfection who supposedly arrives one day at the doorstep. If this is you, give up the fantasies (as the Brits like to say) straight away. If this is your friend, co-worker, or family member, gently help them see the error of their ways. If you don't have the stomach for confrontation, send them to my blog and they'll get the hint pretty quickly!

Evil: Does It Really Exist in Humans?

Not too long ago, a television news story stirred in me a very fundamental question: Does evil truly exist in human beings? The specific story to which I’m referring was entitled “Katie’s Story,” a story on ABC News’ 20/20. The program highlighted the heinous crime London model Katie Piper suffered in March of 2008, and documented her subsequent recovery process. Simply put, Katie met and briefly dated the wrong man, and he ultimately sought revenge when she rejected him. The nature of the revenge was truly out of this world: he paid someone to throw sulfuric acid into her face – the very face, of course, that was her moneymaker as a model.

In discussing the news story with a friend, my friend was quick to diagnose the man’s problem: pure evil. Yet attributing such a sensationalistic trait to this behavior – evil – seemed insufficient and almost untrue. Of course, it goes without saying that paying a hit man to destroy another person’s face is horrendous. Think, for a moment, about the repercussions: months and even years of corrective surgeries only to look like a perfect cross between somewhat disfigured and somewhat normal. Moreover, just imagine what this kind of trauma does to the psyche. I’m not sure if years of therapy can ever undo that kind of trauma.

Switching focus back to the perpetrator, what truly motivates such asinine behavior? As a clinical psychologist, I’m guessing that I would lose my license as a practicing shrink if I ever labeled someone evil or wrote that description on a clinical form describing a patient’s psychological makeup. Yet the clinically equivalent label – Antisocial Personality Disorder – exists and fairly describes a minuscule portion of the population. Does this term fit with Katie Piper’s perpetrator?

The reality of this complex issue is that diagnosing him would require a trained clinician to assess him over a period of time, taking into account his history and his current perceptions and state of mind. In terms of what motivated Katie Piper’s perpetrator, I would not ascribe the root of the problem to evil. However, I would – without the need for further assessment or investigation – deem the root to be mental illness, and further assessment would need to clarify the diagnostic specifics.

The distinction between attributing horrific human behavior to evil or attributing it to mental illness is important. If we label the motivation ‘evil,’ we label it with no true understanding of what goes on inside the mind of the perpetrator and we (perhaps callously?) move on. Such labels are seductive because they provide us with a quick, easy explanation, rendering it unnecessary to get weighed down by the complexities. If we label the motivation ‘mental illness,’ we leave some room to try to understand the perpetrator. While such an understanding does not issue a pass or an excuse, it acknowledges the complexity that underlies human behavior. In particular, viewing this man’s hateful behavior through the lens of mental illness causes us to dig more deeply to consider just how powerfully a person can experience rejection – so powerfully, in fact, that it can cause one to induce disfiguring bodily harm to a former lover.

Picture this man as a young boy: Do you believe three-year-old boys, for example, can be evil? The sad truth is that children are often kind and innocent until something terrible happens to them, and they later develop defense mechanisms to protect their own fragile egos. Ultimately, understanding the psychological roots of heinous crimes is not about Katie Piper’s perpetrator, but about how much we as a society are willing to acknowledge just how wounded we can be and the lengths to which a lover scorned will sometimes go to redeem himself and to undo the injury his own ego suffered. The next time that you hear about a horrific crime, I offer this note: think twice before calling the criminal evil. After all, I know that my friend is not entirely unique in the primal, gut reaction he had to a truly horrific crime.

Sexual Insecurities: They Can Kill Your Relationship

I'm putting out an All-Points-Bulletin for those of you who have sexual insecurities: It's time to deal with them so that you don't ruin your romantic relationship.

Before I go further, let me be clear that everyone has some sort of sexual insecurity. For some, they might feel that they've gained a bit too much weight, while others might feel insecure about their ability to achieve an orgasm. Understandably, the human body is complex, and some of the running dialogue in your head during sex might make things more difficult. Yet when we're talking about the potential to destroy your relationship, we're talking about MAJOR sexual insecurities.

You might be surprised how many people don't have sex at all with their husband or wife - or, at least, do so very rarely - because of one sexual insecurity or another. For example, a man might feel so insecure about his inability to get an erection that he decides it's easier to avoid sex altogether. Similarly, a woman might feel that the effects of age or giving birth has changed her body and made it less attractive, so she may continually resist her husband's sexual advances.

Bottom line: To function as a happy and fulfilled couple, you should be engaging in some sort of sexual intimacy on a fairly regular basis - even if that's just once per month. Sure, if you're reaching your later years, you get a get-out-of-jail-free-card, but most people struggling with sexual problems in their relationships are much younger than that.

If you or your partner are prisoner to major sexual insecurities, the first thing you need to do is to have The Conversation. Do it in a relaxed environment so that neither of you feel stressed. Next, if the problem is yours, ask your partner how he or she has felt as a result, apologize, and make a commitment to change. If the problem is your partner's, explain how this has affected you and ask what your partner is willing to do to change.

Starting the dialogue is the most important behavior in the chain of behaviors that lead to change. Once you've started the conversation, ask a friend or your physician for a referral for couples therapy (if you have the money or the insurance required) or take yourself to the bookstore and search the self-help section for a good book. I can tell you that there are many good books out there, and one of them is Harville Hendrix' Getting the Love You Want.

Whatever you do, don't do NOTHING! You have to deal with your problems as an adult if you want to know
real happiness.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Internet Dating: The Numbers Are Stunning!

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In the July 4 issue of The New Yorker,
there was a multi-page article on the state of internet dating today. The article summed up a few facts that reflect how shockingly common internet dating has become.

For example, in 2010, author Nick Paumgarten reports that fee-based dating Websites grossed over a billion dollars. Wow, those are some numbers. In addition, a study from Match.com found that meeting online is now the third most common way for people to meet, behind meeting through work/school (first place) and through friends/family (second place). Finally, the author reports that one in six new marriages is the result of meeting through Internet dating sites.

Okay, okay, I know that we shouldn’t be that surprised. In fact, odds are that you know a handful of people who have explored these waters, if you haven’t done so yourself. As a psychologist who specializes in relationships, I am in full support of people meeting online as long as they are CAREFUL in doing so.

Quick Rules: Never, ever invite someone you meet on the internet to your home on the first date or two. Let someone you trust know where you are going on your dates early in the dating process. Finally, spend your early dates in very public places to protect yourself. There may be no reason to worry, but you can never be too careful.

Oh, and don’t forget: Try to have some fun. Dating, after all, is supposed to be enjoyable! As much as you can, try to let yourself relax and laugh a little.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Read This Book: "CLEAN" by Alejandro Junger

With this book, it was love at first cover. I loved it: a white cover with a glass of water, and the promising words "Remove, Restore, Rejuvenate." But the best news is that the book actually backs up the glossy cover with substance.

I must say that I love books written by physicians, and Clean marks no exception to that. Currently a New York Times bestseller, the book esssentially advocates a detoxifying cleansing program in which your body learns to listen to itself and begin feeding it what it really needs to be in balance.

Included in Junger’s Cleanse plan is consideration of allergens and irritants in one’s diet, reminding readers that “some of the most common foods in the American diet have hidden irritating effects” (p.152). Most of all, readers may appreciate the Clean Recipes that fill pages 235-282, including fish and vegetarian recipes, among others.

Enjoy the wisdom this book offers, and use it as a springboard to look at your life and make the changes you need to make you feel happier, healthier, and - yes - cleaner.