Not All Couples Should Live Together!

In my private practice in Los Angeles, a client and I discussed whether she is truly cut out to live with her boyfriend. Though she has lived with her boyfriend for many years, she has also reached a point in the relationship where she has realized the relationship might not be meeting her needs. She talked about how there was little intimacy between the two of them, and explained that their interests and values had diverged over the years.

My client described her daily routines and explained that she likes to spend a lot of her time alone - she's not prone to loud social gatherings and doesn't need to be in the company of others 24/7.

I asked my client a simple question: Why did the two of you ever decide to move in together in the first place?

My client paused for a minute or so - the question seemed so basic. However, my client realized this was not something she ever really thought about. Like Carly Simon sang in the 70's, that's the way she's always heard it should be. Couples live together - that's just what you do.

Herein lies the problem: Living together is not for everyone. I know a terrific couple who have been together for many years and maintain separate homes to this day. If you are single and not planning on having children, I strongly encourage you to consider this issue - let's stop keeping up with the Joneses and make sure you are doing what is best for you.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. With an introduction by a # 1 New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

How to Have Good Sex Always

Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions. - Deepak Chopra

I must confess that I know little about Deepak Chopra, though I found this quote that I came across to be quite true. Let’s hope that someone who has become as successful as Deepak has, at least, a little wisdom, right?!

If you think about some of the "good" sex that you’ve had, you were probably feeling extremely emotional at the time. For some people, good sex involves feeling deeply in love, while for others, it involves feeling wild, naughty, or even connecting with darker emotions surrounding dominance or submission fantasies. Regardless of which end of that spectrum your good sex would fall on, Deepak is right that all of these emotions signify emotional freedom. In other words, there is no one fixed way to have sex, so the consenting partners have a blank slate onto which they can create whatever they want. After a long week at work, the last thing anyone needs is one more experience in which they feel bored or unstimulated.

What Deepak says about bad sex is quite true, as well. If you think about some of the “bad sex” you’ve had, it’s probably because you were feeling emotionally disconnected, bored, or preoccupied. In other words, having an unsatisfying sexual experience suggests that you even though you were having sex, it’s not something that you truly wanted to do – it’s more like going through the motions.

In my practice with clients, I always encourage them to take their emotional temperature at the start of a sexual interaction. If you feel a little off that day and don’t really want to connect in that way with your partner, your date, whomever –make the conscious choice to not have sex.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

EMOTIONAL Infidelity: No Sex, But Equally Hurttful

When it comes to sex and relationships, potential problems are constantly brewing for couples. Though some may have a slightly different definition of what qualifies as infidelity, most people seem to believe that it involves sexual or physical betrayal. This type of betrayal is incredibly painful for the partner who has been cheated on, and countless self-help books discuss ways to cope with this kind of hurtful event when it penetrates a romantic union.

Yet what often gets lost in the discussion of infidelity is attention to emotional infidelity and the ugly ways in which it can plant seeds of doubt and dismantle a relationship. In discussing emotional infidelity, I'm not talking about finding out that your partner follows pornographic websites or is connecting with others somewhere in sexual cyberspace. (Cut to Anthony Weiner). Even though those partners may not be having actual sex - or even ever meet - the nature of the infidelity is still sexual.

Emotional infidelity refers to behavior that one partner engages in that fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now with someone else, and sometimes promotes the possibility of sexual intimacy in the future. Many people maintain secret or semi-secret friendships when there is a clear mutual interest or attraction, while others may not be interested but encourage others' interest in them for the sake of boosting their own ego or distracting themselves from a sense of boredom with their partner.

The sad reality is that emotional infidelity is often totally hidden to the extent that you may not know if and when your partner is emotionally cheating. Because the connection is not sexually based, there are fewer opportunities to detect the infidelity. For example, when there's no need for a hotel room, it's difficult for anyone to find proof of the betrayal upon review of a credit card bill tossed in the trash.

Many articles and books issue tips on how to tell you if your partner is cheating, but what are the tips to tell you if your partner is emotionally cheating? The truth is that it is very difficult to tell - in some cases, next to impossible. The best indicator is to consider the character of your partner and to ask yourself how much you truly trust his or her integrity. How loyal is your partner to his or her friends? To his or her job? To his or her family? Is there a history of unfaithfulness in any form in the past?

Ultimately, we all have strong instincts that guide us. Your instincts, like your conscious mind, will find it a challenge to tell if someone is emotionally cheating on you, but they will easily tell you whether your partner is inherently trustworthy or, conversely, prone to infidelity. It never hurts to discuss this issue with your partner so that you can be sure you have the same definition of infidelity. Check in with your partner today about what he or she considers cheating. Rather than ask in a dective-like manner, mention that you read an article that highlights how men and women often have different definitions, and offer up the topic for discussion. (Perhaps, in the end, how he or she responds to the topic will speak volumes). Ultimately, to function happily as a couple, your agreed upon definition of cheating must include both emotional and sexual components.

Finally, years of working with couples have shown me that couples often wait until they're in a trouble spot to discuss uncomfortable issues, and the issue of emotional infidelity marks no exception. In my clinical work ,I always say that the best time to discuss problems is completely counterintuitive: Do it when things are going well to prevent a major battle later.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who have tons of potential but are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Vacation Is...Just Plain Awesome

I'm on the Amalfi Coast in Italy for a good friend's wedding, and there are few things as beautiful as this coastal town!

When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Cope

Loving someone with mental illness is one of the most challenging experiences a person can have. More attention is always paid to the individual suffering with the mental illness than the loved one, and this is understandable. However, far too often we neglect just how difficult the experience can be for the loved ones. As with addiction, mental illness affects everyone in its path. Depression can be confusing for loved ones to understand, particularly if the loved ones have not experienced depression themselves.

Trademark symptoms of depression include a loss of energy and loss of interest in doing things the person normally enjoys doing. Appetite and sleep are often affected, as is the ability to function in everyday life.

Loved ones who don’t understand depression can fall into judgment (“Why don’t they just get over it?”) or can take things personally (“Is it something I’m doing that's making them unhappy?”). The most important thing to do when you love someone with depression is to learn about the disorder. Research depression online, and ask your friends whether they have experienced depression or have loved someone who had depression. You would be surprised how many people have been affected by depression, either directly or indirectly.

Once you know more about the disorder, you will know you should not judge it and that you should not take it personally. Understand that depression often works in a cyclical manner, which means that the depression will often lift, at least somewhat, in the future. Finally, talk to your loved one and confide in that person that this is a disorder you are learning about so that you can provide support for him or her.

At the end of the day, depression is awful but knowing how to navigate it can make it a whole lot easier to bear.

PLUS: This excerpt is from Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Independent Vs. Codependent Couples: Which Would You Rather Be?

Call me an overly analytical psychologist, but one of the things I find fascinating is seeing how many different kinds of couples there are. Couples have all different kinds of relationship dynamics, and you can often see them on the surface when you socialize with them.

One thing that has always struck me is watching how couples vary in terms of how much they socialize together and how much they socialize apart. You know some couples where you almost never see one without the other, while you can think of another couple where the opposite is true. Is there a 'right' level of independence couples should have? How much is too much time to spend together? What is an unhealthy level of independence in a couple?

Usually, any therapist will tell you there is no 'right' way to be about anything. In this case, I disagree somewhat. I think there is a bit of a right answer. While I acknowledge that there is a spectrum, I also acknowledge that people lose themselves (their interests, ambitions, and uniqueness) when they spend all their time with one person. You can't fuse with another and expect to remain a separate entity. You need to have some level of independence within a couple to be healthy. This does not include going to work! Yes, that is time apart, but not time by choice. Couples who eat together, sleep together, go to church together, do everything socially together, blah, blah, blah, make me nervous.

In my clinical work, I have found that couples who do everything together secretly feel claustrophobic in the relationship and wish they had a little more breathing room. The claustrophobic feelings later morph into other problems and the relationship starts going south. If you are in a relationship, why not use this opportunity to have a discussion with your partner and ask him or her about their thoughts on this issue? Sometimes opening up the discussion can help people feel more free to elaborate when the discussion topic gets a little uncomfortable.

PLUS: This excerpt is from Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

The Window Technique: A Personality Test

As part of my doctoral training in clinical psychology, I learned how to administer and conduct a wide range of psychological tests. Among them, I studied the Rorschach Inkblot Test, otherwise known simply as the inkblot test, which you may have seen or heard about.

In my final year of graduate school, I taught a testing lab of first-year doctoral students and reviewed with them the complex interpretation of the inkblot test. It is astonishing – the complexity of the variables involved in the test’s interpretation. In training the students how to interpret the test, I noticed that the students were not capturing the essences of the patients whom the students tested. The students had the tendency to get lost in the jargon as they wrote their interpretation reports and lost sight of the patients’ overall personalities.

Ultimately, I had the most success in helping the students to paint a three-dimensional picture of a patient when I asked them to employ a tactic I conceived of called The Window Technique. To encourage them to flesh out their impressions of the personalities they were working with, I told my students to ask themselves the questions listed below about their patients. For the purposes of this exercise, the questions are directed at you.

Questions to Consider

1. If someone looked at you through a window and saw you in a room with someone, what might you be doing?

2. What might this window observer guess your mood is like? Would you likely be laughing and smiling, or appear depressed and angry? Would you be moving about or sitting still?

3. If someone looking through the window were to x-ray your brain and find out what you were thinking, what is an example of a thought you might be thinking?

4. If the person looking through the window were asked how happy or fulfilled you were overall in your life, what might this person say?

PLUS: This excerpt is from Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

When Things Get Ugly: How to Manage Conflict

No matter how hard you try, conflict will arise sooner or later in any long-term relationship you have. Whether the relationship is personal or professional, it is inevitable that two people will butt heads at some point. How you handle the conflict is a testament to your level of awareness of your role in the conflict.

The easiest way to escalate a conflict is to attack the other person. Understand that you don’t have to verbally attack someone for that person to feel attacked. You can make the most subtle statement, but if it is passive-aggressive it will be interpreted as an attack.

Many therapists emphasize the importance of “I” statements during a conflict. They assert that stating how you feel can never be misconstrued as an attack. There is some truth to this, but I think it is a little remedial to suggest that starting your sentences with “I” is going to solve everything. I think people are smarter than this and capable of going one step further.

The best way to handle a conflict, I believe, is to lay your goal out on the table, and remind the person you are talking to that you have the same goal. “We both want this to work, so let’s try to figure out a way to make that happen.” The reason this is critical is that many conflicts end up turning into power struggles between two people.

Power struggles never work. You need to do what you can to take power out of the equation, and make sure that each of you feels safe to come to a resolution together. It helps to say things like “these might be my issues, but…” or “I know I can sometimes be difficult so…” These proclamations are important because they throw the issue of power and control out the window. Acknowledging that you are not perfect and that you simply want to make things work can make the other person feel more comfortable and more amenable to a resolution.

In the end, we catch more flies with honey. Remember to see that person as an ally when problems arise and you will find yourself managing conflict much better as a result.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.