Why You Hate Dating: 2 Reasons

"I love unicorns. How about you?"

Oh, dating. There's really nothing quite like it. Conventional wisdom tells us that dating can be downright treacherous, and your own experience with this supposed one-eyed monster might confirm that. The truth is that most people are terrible at dating, hating every minute of it and wishing they could find The One...and STAT! If you hate dating, it usually boils down to two factors, one of which is obvious; the other of which is not.

The obvious factor is anxiety, a dirty, weasel-like state that makes men and women alike want to crawl out of their skin as they sit across from a stranger and try to pretend they're perfectly at ease. What's the anxiety about? Simply put, it's about the dreaded pauses, as well as the rote questions people feel compelled to ask each other upon first meeting.

The most common report among men and women fresh from the battlefield -- er, a date, I mean -- is that the social awkwardness puts the kibosh on the fun factor. In other words, everyone hates the uncomfortable pauses and usual questions: "So, where are you from? How many brothers and sisters do you have?" If this is true, daters might need to mix it up a bit. To that end, an experience I had this weekend taught me a lesson. I watched the film "Lost in Translation," starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson. It occurred to me that these two strangers, both guests at a Tokyo hotel, had several conversations before either asked the other The Basics. By avoiding the predictable questions, the characters developed a relationship more organically which, in turn, lowered their anxiety.

The less obvious factor that causes most men and women to hate dating is impatience -- and, wow, is patience a virtue in the relationship department! The primary reason why impatience is a problem when it comes to dating is the fact that it often causes men and women to attach too quickly to someone who isn't good for them, all for the sake of removing the negative stimulus (dating) as soon as possible. Bottom line: most people seem to hate feeling cast adrift in the dating pool.

If you know someone who is good at dating, my guess is that said individual tends to be more patient. These rare individuals often actually enjoy the process, as they're able to focus on the bigger picture: On a date, you're not at work, you're (most likely) in an enjoyable atmosphere, and you stand the chance of meeting either a new friend or romantic partner. That doesn't sound so bad, does it?

So, the keys to dating are quite simple: Refocus your attention on things that matter, enjoy the process, and work on becoming more comfortable with the uncertainty of how things will go. In conversation, try avoiding The Basics ("Where were you born?") in favor of more thoughtfully picked questions which get to the essence of who your date really is. Ultimately, the more patient and the less anxious you are, the more likely you will be to be yourself, feel happy, and find a yummy match.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Dr. Seth shows you how to stop repeating these patterns: falling for people who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful,or wounded souls who are emotionally broken in some way. Dr. Seth's Love Prescription is available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

“Gold-Digger” Is the New “Bitch”

Let’s face it: some words are ugly. Among the hundreds of thousands of words that fill the average English-language dictionary, a few, in particular, tend to incite the masses due to their incendiary associations. One such word is “bitch,” a term that historically was highly taboo but which has largely been co-opted by the mainstream over time as a less harmful term. Consider for a moment Joy Behar yelling “skinny bitch!” on ABC’s The View, or any number of popular songs or books in recent years that have succeeded in making the word less of a curse word than it was in the past.

I’ve noticed several consequences of the more frequent usage of the b- word in everyday life as playful or humorous, as opposed to nasty and derogatory. First, let’s consider its usage by women. For example, it’s not uncommon to overhear a group of twenty-something women at a restaurant or bar laughing and joking with each other, as one or more call out in jest, “You bitch!” The frequent use of this term by women with each other seems to suggest that women can take the word back, as some like to say, and own it, thus stripping it of its historical chains. As an aside, I’m never completely convinced that a once-marginalized group of people can ever truly “take it back” after a term lived for so many previous years in the clutches of a mainstream culture that used that nasty word to keep such a group of people down.

But the troubling use of the b-word isn’t limited to women. In fact, it’s regularly employed now in conversation among men, who call each other the b- word as if it’s lost its gender association. Most concerning, men have come to use the word with each other in a come-on-it’s-harmless manner. At the end of the day, the b-word is a bad word, one that many women find to be highly insulting, and we should be careful to not use it.

Yet the mainstreaming of the b-word is important not just because of who uses it and how, but because its acceptance into the mainstream has cleared the way, over time, for other awful, misogynistic terms to be accepted, as well. Chief among them is “gold-digger.” This term – less extreme than the b- word but which stems from the same mean-spirited place - makes me sick to my stomach and, I know firsthand from clients in my practice, has an equal or greater impact on women.

The term “gold-digger” gets thrown around like car keys flung on the kitchen table, but the traits of the target of such vitriol are clear: the gold-digger is scheming, vapid, and predatory. She’s a one-note tune, a shell of a woman who breathes in dollar signs and destroys all men in her path. The so-called gold-digger has no feelings, no true convictions, and dreams in Technicolor for all things money can buy. Wow, I know a lot of women, but I don’t know any women like that. Yet men and women alike seem to use this term in a diagnostic way, summing such a woman up as if the label were true or indicative of a thorough investigation into her character. Really, I know that we, as a society, are capable of better than rushing to such judgment.

If you believe that the b- word is okay to use, take an informal poll with a few different women and see what you come up with. Similarly, if you believe that a term like “gold-digger” is just a harmless term that women shouldn’t take offense to, think twice. Though it’s wrapped in a prettier package and hasn’t received the same analysis as the b- word, the truth is that it’s a half-step away. This term, like the b-word, is mean and unjust. To move forward as a culture, we need to take a stand when we hear others use it, and put a stop to it for good.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Book here.

Good for Your Mental Health: "Bridesmaids"

There is no better intervention for a bad mood or a problem that is getting you down than a good laugh, and the new film Bridesmaids offers 125 minutes of it. I highly recommend it - particularly if you're in need of an emotional boost!

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

The Secret Behind Who Is "Sexy"

If you've walked through a department store lately, you've been hit smack in the face with what advertisers tell you is sexy: Photographs of impossibly perfect models line the walls, their faces perfect, with cheekbones carved like Canadian glaciers and eyes that sparkle like the lights of Times Square. These objects, Madison Avenue teaches us, are what defines sexy. This is who you want to be, right?

Maybe not. What I have found in my work as a clinical psychologist is that what men and women sexually respond to the most aren't modelesque attributes. In fact, I have found one common denominator that turns both men and women on in others: frankly, my dear, they don't give a damn. This may sound nonsensical or even contrarian, but I'm afraid it's true.

If you take an informal poll of friends, everyone will probably come up with one word, the building block largely believed to come in a close second to physical attractiveness in the race to sexy: confidence. Yet when we take a closer look at the confidence the so-called sexy wear like a tight-fitting angora sweater, what people find sexy is more than confidence.

It's actually a naturalness that rides along with the confidence, a lack of artifice or efforts to try to be sexy. Those individuals others find sexy don't seem to care if you or anyone think they're sexy - it's like an afterthought or an inadvertent consequence. No, confidence isn't the secret ingredient, because many men and women are confident but others don't necessarily want to slip in the sack with them.
The ultimate secret behind ‘sexy' is being happy enough with yourself that don't seek the approval - or sexual attraction - of anyone. In other words, others can tell that you don't need it and, as a has-been celebrity used to say, "that's hot."

It's the oldest cliché in the book, but one that remains due to its truthfulness: Some of the world's most beautiful people are some of the world's most insecure. Though these individuals may, at first, bear all the signs of sexiness, getting to know them can quickly diminish the sexual intensity you had for them. And that's the point: what's sexy is actually the personality wrapped in an attractive-enough face and body!

The next time you cross paths with someone who awakens those sexual feelings in you, consider for a moment what it is. I think, if you boil it all down, you'll find that what's sexy is more than physical attraction and confidence.

PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth’s book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Available in bookstores or at Amazon.com.

Hating Fat People: A Hobby

The hoots and hollers were cringe-inducing as the television comedian's fat joke landed to wild applause. It was strange how the audience erupted as if they’d heard something genuinely funny or even interesting on a particular recent night at an L.A. comedy club. But to hear yet another comedian make a stupid fat joke reflected the least funny or interesting thing he could say. Truthfully, the audience wasn’t laughing because the joke was good: they laughed because they hate fat people, and, worse, because they believe fat people deserve such spite.

Wow, is it that simple? Is the world really chock-full of haters who don’t have feelings or derive pleasure from putting others down? If we take a minute to look at it, we quickly find that it’s actually not that simple. What’s happening as the haters laugh? They're taking a mental break – almost like releasing a valve with too much pressure – from judging themselves.

It never fails: In therapy with my clients, they are often shocked to find over the course of therapy that their own judgments of others simultaneously reflect the degree to which they also judge themselves. Each day, I find myself blurting out, “You’re too hard on yourself!” There appears to be limitless self-judgment out there in the universe, and it’s poisonous because these self-judgers are twice as good at judging – even hating – others for any number of reasons (too fat, too gay, too ethnic, and so on).

When it comes to fat people, the obese are easy targets. Their flaw (or medical problem) is out there for the world to see and judge. I have tremendous empathy for anyone who is overweight because it’s hard on them physically and emotionally – a real double threat. Most people’s flaws (infidelity, bad temper, etc.) aren’t so apparent, so you have to get to know your average person to actually see his or her flaws. But with fat people, there’s no hiding. From this perspective, it really sucks to be fat, huh?

The more our society can learn to feel empathy for others, the less judgment we’ll have to spread amongst ourselves. You know the problem is serious – in this case, hating or discriminating against fat people – when one person hates another without ever even having met! But that’s exactly what happens when many men and women encounter someone obese: snap judgments are made, and the fat person is typically summarily dismissed as lazy or weak.

If you find that it’s fat people you have negative views about, or perhaps another group of people you’ve decided (willy-nilly) you don’t particularly like, the next time such thoughts or feelings come up, take a moment and take a step back. The truth is simple: if you are hard on others, you are also going to be hard on yourself in some other way. So here’s my crazy idea: don’t be critical of yourself or others. And please, if you are a fat-hater, leave fat people alone! Finally, you can even go a step further if it's someone else who makes a nasty comment about anyone overweight: Take a stand and stick up for that person. In small ways like this one, you'd be doing your part in making the world a kinder, more understanding place.

PLUS: Dr. Seth’s new book, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription, is about how to stop repeating negative patterns in your romantic relationships, a syndrome that’s almost like Relationship OCD.