Read This Book: Women, Food and God

A lot of books are bestsellers, but only a handful of those deserve that categorization. Geneen Roth’s book, Women, Food, and God (Scribner, 2011) deserves every ounce of the acclaim and consumer response it has garnered.

An elegant little book, Women Food and God encourages readers to think about the food they eat and to become more aware about how the relationship they have with food actually seeps into their relationship with their self-esteem, mental health, and even the world at large. She writes:

"I do believe there are frozen places in ourselves - undigested pockets of pain - that need to be recognized and welcomed, so that we can contact that which has never been hurt or wounded or hungry." (p. 8)

Oh, could that be written any better?! Written in a way that is accessible to all readers, you find yourself turning page after page, hungering not for food, but for more wisdom from the author.

As a side note, I have to mention that Ms. Roth thanks writer Anne Lamott in the “Acknowledgments” section, thanking her for helping her to give the book shape. Well, Ann Lamott is a genius in her own right, and Women, Food and God benefits from her thoughtful, loving touch.

You may have heard about this book in the media already, or it may be completely new to you. If you are looking for a book that encourages greater awareness in everyday life – even if you’re a man, don’t have food issues, or whatever the case may be – grab a copy of this book today. You will be richer for it in the end!

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Why You Shouldn’t Watch…The Royal Wedding

Am I the only one in America who is more than a little tired of the incessant television coverage of the April 29th royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton? Come on, I couldn't possibly be! Honestly, it’s a testament to the in-your-face coverage of the event that I even know Ms. Middleton’s first and last name. Simply put, I don’t follow the lives of the royals, and I’ll tell you why that is.

But first, I must explain that I work hard as a therapist to convince people that it isn’t healthy to idealize anyone or to put others on a pedestal. The reason? Idealizing anyone is poison for your self-esteem because every time you idealize someone, you automatically devalue yourself. In other words, you can’t put someone on a pedestal without feeling worse about yourself afterward. The reality is that too many men and women fall victim to idealizing others whom they don’t know – members of Britain ’s royal family included.

If you are royal follower, hear a snippet on the news about the forthcoming wedding, and find your ears straining to catch every last detail, I’m sorry to say that you are, in fact, idealizing the royals. If you weren’t, you wouldn't be interested in any events related to them. As the watchers of the royal wedding perch themselves in front of the television to watch the wedding on the 29th, they will inevitably feel enamored by the spectacle: a crowd of thousands, infinite security, and William and Kate, shining like two human jewels, at the center of it all. The coverage, of course, will mention the most scintillating details: the clothing, the reception location, and the finest foods that would put any celebrity chef to shame.

How, I ask, could watching such a wedding – again, featuring people you’ve never met - make you feel good or better about your own life? How is spending time following the lives of others more fortunate than you any good for your self-esteem and your overall life satisfaction?

I believe that the world is a better, more dynamic place when its inhabitants are happy and fulfilled, and so I want you to feel good about yourself and the life you’re living. To do so, I want you to avoid spending time tracking the lives of others who are more fortunate than you may be. After all, psychology studies show that people tend to feel worse when they compare themselves to others who are more fortunate, and they tend to feel better when comparing themselves to others who are less fortunate.

Aside from my strong conviction that attraction to all things royal makes its followers feel worse about their own lives, I have one additional problem with following and looking up to the royals: Royal families – William and Kate included - haven’t actually earned their position through hard work! Why should we be terribly interested in the lives of individuals who, by birthright, are simply born into wealth and fame? At least with prominent politicians in America , for example, they have to campaign a little!

The endless media attention on the forthcoming royal wedding serves as an important reminder of what we do – and also should – value in others. Personally, I have nothing against the members of any royal family. Conversely, they don’t top my list of Most-Respected-People-Ever. Ultimately, we all must be careful about whom we admire and respect. At the end of the day, the people most deserving of your respect and admiration are those who have earned it through years of hard work. And keep in mind that some of the most inspiring individuals can be found in some of the least assuming places.

Finally, watching the royal wedding could be an upsetting experience if you look at it in context with the large world. Doesn't such a showcase serve as a disturbing reminder of just how unfair life really is: how some are born into gold-plated cribs, while others languish in poverty and despair? When you see this event in context, and consider the millions of dollars that go into such a function, it takes the fun - and idealization - out of the whole experience.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Catherine Zeta Jones: Mentally Ill and Shame-Free

Upon hearing the announcement in the news this week from Catherine Zeta Jones’ spokesperson that the actress was recently hospitalized for mental health treatment of Bipolar II Disorder, my heart leapt. This disorder, which typically involves a mix of hypomanic and depressive episodes that interfere with your ability to function consistently well on a daily basis, is fairly serious. When I heard the news, I was so shocked that I could hardly contain my feelings – let alone identify them. Yet after reflecting on the announcement for a minute longer, my thoughts on the subject crystallized. Think about it: When was the last time a famous person came out publicly and admitted that his or her hospitalization was for mental illness?

As a psychologist who trained in New York City and was exposed to the rich and famous who had their fair share of breakdowns, I could (unethically) share a laundry list of celebrities who sought mental health treatment at private locations in the city or in neighboring areas and yet never breathed a word about their mental issues in public. If news of some problems, or even a hospitalization surfaced, the reason was always shrouded in layers of nuance – or even lies. Celebrity A was hospitalized for “exhaustion,” while Celebrity B was seeking treatment for "stress." Let me tell you the truth about such hospitalizations: they almost ALWAYS involve some sort of underlying mental health issue.

Why the cover-up then? One word: shame.

It’s fine to be overworked and exhausted, and even accepted or, rather, expected to be a celebrity and have drug or alcohol issues – but to have a mental illness, such as Major Depressive Disorder or Bipolar Disorder? Forget it! No one ever wants to admit to such issues for fear that the world will label them c-r-a-z-y.

When I read the actual statement from Ms. Zeta Jones’ spokesperson, the truth was right there for the whole world to see: she’s dealing with Bipolar II Disorder. Big deal, right? She’s human, so it shouldn’t surprise us that she may be struggling with any number of personal issues. But the stigma around mental illness is so powerful that most people never come forward and tell the truth. It’s for this reason that I have such profound admiration for Catherine Zeta Jones. With the announcement, she is presenting herself honestly and authentically, and reminding us that there is no reason to be ashamed of dealing with mental issues. After all, if people aren’t ashamed to say they have high blood pressure, why on earth should they be ashamed to say that they are dealing with mental health issues?

At the end of the day, mental health problems are no one’s fault – everyone is simply doing the best they can to get by. And, my goodness, life can be hard and challenging – particularly when you have a spouse who has been dealing with a medical illness as the actress’ husband has in the recent past. For those who struggle with mental illness, my heart goes out to you because navigating it is not easy. For Ms. Zeta Jones, specifically, you deserve a standing ovation for your strength. You are a true trailblazer, and I know that you are helping to reduce the stigma of mental illness with your courageous actions.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Men, Stop Holding Doors for Women!

Lately, I've noticed that a very old trend persists: men holding doors for women, while these same men stop short to extend such kindness to other men who lag only a step or two behind. Come on, guys.

Simply put, it’s 2011 and it’s time for our society to evolve and to stop chauvanistic behavior toward women. In the past, when a woman’s role was relegated to the domestic sphere – the home and children in it – men were taught to treat women differently from men. Such differences included holding doors, walking next to a woman on the street on her side closest to the curb, and a bevy of other chivalrous behaviors that were arguably intended to indicate respect in years past. News flash for anyone who still practices such behaviors: this isn’t really respect at all.

My point is far from misogynistic, but rather is universal: I believe we should all hold doors for each other independent of gender. In other words, a man should hold a door for a woman not because she is a woman, but because she is a fellow human being who is worth extending kindness to.

If men extend certain niceties to women but not to men, they reinforce this silly idea that men and women are entirely different species. Regardless of why John Gray (of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus fame) says, I disagree that men and women are inherently vastly different. Sure, there are differences, but it’s not good for men or women to focus on those. After all, if men and women are going to make romantic relationships work, don’t they need to focus on the similarities?

The more we, as a society, continue to engage in such rigid gender-bound behaviors, the more fixed and rigid sex roles will be, and romantic relationships will suffer as a result. The next time you find yourself at the threshold of a doorway and someone walks in front of or behind you, make an effort to hold the door for them – but be careful about why you tell yourself you’re doing it.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.

Why All Men Want a Three-Way.....aka Ménage a Trois

Having lunch at a trendy bistro in Hollywood this past week, I overheard a conversation that simply begged my ears to listen: A few male friends who appeared to be in their mid-20s talked about how they’ve always wanted to have a three-way. “Have you ever done it?” one especially eager guy asked another. I listened as they described in detail how they hope to someday meet a girl who would say “yes” to inviting another girl into bed. Hearing the guys talk, I must have momentarily forgotten about my lunch companions who lapped up their cheddar tortilla soup, but the subject was far too juicy for me to tune out.

Typically, I’m not an eavesdropper. But, as someone who specializes in relationship issues, I hear the word “three-way” and the neurons in my brain start firing like it’s the Fourth of July. The topic of three-ways is undoubtedly loaded because it involves sex (a natural human behavior) and a taboo (something Mom and Dad probably taught you that you shouldn’t ever be doing).

The question is simple: Why do men fantasize about having sex with two others? And why isn’t one enough?

If you’ve ever read Portnoy’s Complaint, the landmark novel by Philip Roth, you’d immediately understand. In essence, it all starts very early with boys. In adolescence, boys crave sex like a food addict craves chili cheese fries. What’s more, the sex that boys think about isn’t very complicated: it’s an IMAX-style mental whirlwind of body parts and genitalia, and what boys’ fantasize about doing sexually wouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes with the sex object of their choice. It’s Pavolvian, like a beagle salivating to the aroma of a rib roast.

In adulthood, men’s sexuality changes. When men are in their 20s - or even 30s, provided they haven’t yet married - men’s sex drive is often about proving their masculinity and attractiveness through the acquisition of multiple sex partners. It’s during this period that most men get caught up in lusting for a three-way, as exemplified by the men I heard talking in the restaurant. During this stage, men feel the looming anxiety that sexual liberation will soon end with marriage, so they want to check off as many sexual fantasies and lofty conquests on their list – and soon.

So, how about the older men? In general, most men in their 40s and older aren’t looking for three-ways or group sex situations. However, this doesn’t mean that they aren’t looking for multiple sex partners. In fact, if a man is single and has some attribute that makes others want him sexually, he very well may choose to play the playboy role as long as he can get sex on a regular basis. If not, he will likely settle down.

Sexuality is fascinating, in part, because it is changes over the life span. But one thing remains certain: Ask your average 20-something guy if he’d like to have a three-way, and he will tell you that there are few things that would put a bigger smile on his face.

PLUS: In Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve (available at Amazon.com or in stores at Borders and Barnes and Noble), he shows you how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. If you or someone you know keeps going for the wrong types of people and seems stuck on this awful hamster wheel, pick up a copy of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription today.