QUIZ: Do You Have...Relationship Repetition Syndrome?

One of the most common problems I see in my practice is that men and women's romantic relationships often fail because they are stuck repeating toxic relationship patterns. Take this quiz below which is quick and fun!

Test Yourself

Answer the questions below with a simple “yes” or “no.”

1. Do you feel like you are only sexually attracted to partners who are bad for you?

2. Have you found yourself in a relationship with someone who does the same kinds of things your last significant other did that hurt or bothered you?

3. Do your friends and families comment on you choosing the wrong partners and ask why you don’t settle down with the right person?

4. Do your relationships tend to last a certain amount of time and then consistently end after the same approximate length of time? For example, perhaps you’ve never made it past the three-year hurdle?

5. Have you ever fallen for someone by simply looking at him or watching him, or decided you want to be with him within the first few minutes of meeting?

6. Do you find yourself feeling the same kinds of negative feelings you felt in your last relationship, precipitated by the same kinds of situations?

7. Do you blame yourself or your partners for why things went wrong?

8. Do you sometimes feel like you lose yourself in your relationships?

9. Do you feel like you are cursed to have bad relationships and will never find ‘The One?’

If you answered “yes” to two or more of the questions above, you suffer from RRS. If you answered “yes” to one of the questions above, you suffer from some of the symptoms of RRS.

If your answers tell you that you are what I call a Relationship Repeater, fear not! I wrote a whole book about it, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve. Trust me: I try to make it as fun as possible, and there might even be an exercise in it in which you have to try to figure out which which character in The Golden Girls & Sex and the City you are most like.

Seriously, though, there is help for you if you feel like you are stuck repeating the same old patterns and are ending up single and frustrated, again and again. You can find Dr. Seth's Love Prescription at Borders, Barnes and Noble, or at Amazon.com!

See This Movie: The Fighter

Wow, this past weekend I saw the film "The Fighter," starring Mark Walberg and Christian Bale. This movie is so well done, both funny and heart-wrenching. The film's back story is showcasing the dysfunctional family from which the two brothers (Walberg and Bale) come. There are a few incredibly piercing moments in the film which perfectly capture how addiction can tear a family apart, and how recovery from it can put it back together and make it stronger than before.

This film is excellent with a brilliant performance from Christian Bale. Accordingly, we will temporarily forgive him for his crazy outbursts in recent years!

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships.

The book helps people stuck repeating the same old patterns in their relationships so that they can move on and find a partner they are truly compatible with!

Find it at Borders, Barnes and Noble, or Amazon.com!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

After all of the preparations, gift-buying, and, yes, stress...Christmas is finally here. I wish you all a happy Christmas and hope that you have a fantabulous day with the ones you love!

FASCINATING: Superior Autobiographical Memory

If you saw "60 Minutes" on CBS this past Sunday evening, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

If you didn't have a chance to see the segment on "60 Minutes" which documented a fascinating memory condition researchers are just beginning to learn about, check out this link:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6139952/marilu_henner_has_a_superior_autobiographical.html.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

How to Argue Without Attacking

In a word, all you have to do is validate to get somewhere when you're arguing. I am offering here the 411 on validation. The word 'validation' gets thrown around like a beach ball in the summer, but it's important that you understand what it means. Quite simply, it's another word for 'listening.'

Sometimes we over-think things and make them more complicated than necessary. In an argument or disagreement, you must show the other person you are listening to what he or she is saying. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with it, but you must listen if you want to maintain any kind of working relationship with that person later.

Too often, people get heated in an argument and it turns into a power struggle that everyone wants to win. Say "see ya" to this adolescent wish and move on to the more adult compromise - flexibility.

The next time you have an argument with someone, validate that person's feelings simply by listening. Hear them out and you will find that they can move on a little more quickly. In addition, you will find that person become a little less angry and frustrated, and this, in turn, will help you to step down from your own anger stance. Practice makes perfect, so make an extra effort to listen the next time you're in the middle of a heated spat.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

Realizing Your Dreams Isn't Easy

Late last night, I got back from New York City where I met with magazine staff and signed copies of my books at Barnes and Nobles and Borders bookstores where I was promoting my new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription.


It was a dream of mine since I was a teenager to write a book and get published. Yet making it happen was far from easy. I had to write the book proposal, find an agent, sell the book to a publisher, then finish writing it. But it didn't end there: as soon as it came out - and even during the time leading up to its launch - I had to start promoting it. The work never ends. I've said to others all along that no one ever hands you your dream career on a platter - you have to work your fingers to the bone to make that career happen.

This past weekend, I was in many bookstores where I saw the endless stacks of books written by huge media stars of all trades - Keith Olbermann, Whoopi Goldberg, The Barefoot Contessa, and so on. I thought about the fact that huge stars like these are lucky in that their name recognition alone will guarentee a certain level of sales for them. It's the unknown authors, like me, who have to work a thousand times harder to sell their books and build the career they've dreamed of.

Without question, I am willing to do the work. I am a quasi-workaholic and am always in a race with myself to be more productive. Along the journey toward getting my book published, I've come across many men and women who've shared their own dreams of writing a book one day.

If you have such a dream, hold onto that dream and never give up. I always tell my clients this: the difference between very successful people and people who aren't is that the very successful people NEVER GIVE UP.

I'm both happy and proud to achieve this life-long dream of becoming a published author, and I'm wiser for learning that achieving this dream is far more work and far less glamorous than I ever imagained. Yet there is something undeniably sacred and life-affirming in having a dream, working toward it, and watching it come true before your eyes.

If you have a dream to write your own book or, perhaps, to do something in another realm, chase that dream, believe in yourself, and never - ever - give up.

As I write this, I am taking my own advice!

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

Please...Stop Having Children!

Okay, okay: this title needs an asterisk. I love kids and think that bringing children into the world and raising them well is one of the greatest things a person can do. I, too, one day hope to have kids. What I'm talking about here is people having children for the wrong reasons.

Far too often, men and women choose to have kids for the wrong reasons - basically, to fill them up and make them feel loved. This, in essence, is one of my most cringe-inducing, nostrils-flaring pet peeves. Children deserve to be born into situations where the parents are emotionally balanced and want children for the right reasons - to give them love and stability, and help them to flourish.

If you are in a relationship and contemplating having children, ask yourself why you want to have kids. Having children to keep up with the Joneses or simply because you've always wanted to have them are not good enough reasons. Talk with your partner and ask him or her the same thing.

In my private practice, I see many adults who come in for therapy because they didn't get the love, support, and attention they needed from their parents when they were young. When children don't get what they need from their parents, it's usually because their parents weren't ready or didn't want to have children for the right reasons in the first place.

So, how does this whole messed-up cycle work? It usually starts with social pressure to fit in and to do like those around you do. We all know that people often get married because that's just what everyone does. (Enter divorce, stage right). Unfortunately, people also have kids for similarly unhealthy reasons. Too many childless men and women fall victim to the social pressures that everyone is supposed to have kids to be happy and whole, and end up having kids themselves whom they later aren't so crazy about - or don't prioritize, which is even worse.

If this is one of the reasons why you want to have kids - because it's what everyone else is doing - give yourself permission to wait and really think about this life-long decision. The harsh, rat-infested reality is that having kids for the wrong reasons will backfire like nobody's business. With a couple of little ones yelling and screaming in the backseat, you could end up feeling frustrated, claustrophobic, and resentful if you're having them for the sake of filling your own voids, and take a wild guess whose radar will pick up that message loud and clear. Still not sure? The kids. THE KIDS!

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

Knowing When It's Time To...End A Relationship

Knowing when to call it quits in love is difficult – in fact, it can feel downright impossible. The truth is, however, that sometimes men and women make it more difficult and confusing than it needs to be. Understand that over-thinking anything can make a decision more complex. In this way, you can actually run interference in your own life. It’s a good rule of thumb to remind yourself that you should never get in your OWN way in making a decision. You should simply use your judgment and make the best decision possible.

One of the best ways to make sense of the past and learn from it is to detect patterns. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, how long have you been unhappy? Let’s go a step further and look at what makes you unhappy to see if there’s a pattern. First, are the issues behavioral (he comes home too late, disrespects you in public, etc.) or are the issues more reflective of personality traits (she lies to you, is overly dependent, etc.)?

Determine if there is a consistent pattern that is making you unhappy, and then determine whether the main problem is a behavior or personality factor. There is no time limit I can tell you that is healthy – no set measure that says give him “3 months to change or else!” However, the more conscious you are of the patterns - and whether they reflect behavioral or personality issues – the better you will be able to make a decision based on sound judgment. Sometimes when we can articulate the problem more clearly, we can have a better idea about how to proceed in the future. Most importantly, we can have a better sense of whether we see the problem remaining or changing.

In the end, remember that we have only one life to live that we know about. My hope is that you live this one as happily and fully as possible, and that you find a loving relationship that lasts.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

facebook OCD: facebook Can Destroy Your Romantic Relationship!

Oh, Lord, here we go: all over the world, men and women are emotionally regressing at rapid rates, morphing into adolescents who’ve caught a terrible romantic infection that leads to markedly jealous and paranoid feelings. I’m talking about how facebook, the social networking site that has the world singing with glee in the same universal chorus, and I’m concerned that the state of romantic relationships today is jeopardized because of it.

I find that men and women, when interested in someone romantically, are checking their romantic target’s facebook page, walls, etc., trying to get more information on said target. Early on, they’re on the hunt for photos: does it look like he might be with that girl? Is her arm wrapped around him in a sexual way? Do you think they’re together?

Once in the relationship, I see this obsessive-compulsive checking continuing and, to boot, getting worse. These men and women start searching for information about their romantic targets' friends, reading everyone’s walls for appearances of their romantic target’s name. People start getting anxious, and there’s no slowing down from there. Has she mentioned me on her wall? Has she posted any pictures of us yet together?

The worst of the facebook OCD I see is what happens when men and women in romantic relationships end their relationships. People are breaking into their target's facebook account once they’ve been cut out of their target’s friendship circle, trying to glean more information about what he or she is doing now. This behavior, the facebook obsessor often realizes, is becoming a problem. Checking facebook and what the targe is doing becomes its own drug. People start swearing off facebook, determined to close their accounts or vying to never check their target's page again.

Oh, this is terrible! The therapist in me is crying out: “This is really unhealthy, and it is lowering your self-esteem!” Facebook OCD is turning grown men and women into adolescents who are susceptible to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. One of the hallmarks of facebook is OCD is the fact that, after all the obsessive thoughts about their romantic targets and the compulsive checking on facebook to track their target's daily life, the checker feels worse: ashamed of the lengths they've gone to, and feeling empty, sad, and alone even thought they're connected - so to speak - with five hundred million others.

If you engage in this kind of self-destructive behavior on facebook, try to cut it out altogether, or, at least, to reduce its frequency. Focus on your feelings and your needs, rather than the person you were once – or still are – interested in. Finally, if facebook is leaving you feeling unhappy, consider taking a break. Maybe when you return to it, you’ll have had time to focus your mind on things that make you feel better, rather than worse.


PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's in every Barnes & Noble store, as well as Borders and others, and online at Amazon.com!

Dating Advice: Curb Your Sarcasm

First of all, I must admit: I think that’s a pretty crafty title for this article. Now that I’m done patting myself on the back, I’ll get straight to the point. Because I focus a lot on relationships in my practice and book-writing, I spend a lot of time thinking about the art of relationships. In particular, I try hard to understand what gets in the way for men and women as they try to find the right romantic match for them. In doing so, I’ve had to spend a lot of time thinking about dating, because that’s the breeding ground – the petri dish, if you will – for romantic relationships. It all starts with dating.

That said, what are you like on a date? How do you come across to the person sitting across from you at the dinner table? Do you seem open or guarded? Sweet or cocky? Shy or aloof? These are good starter questions as you take inventory of how you come across on a date. If you have a hard time being objective when you consider how a date might perceive you, ask a friend his or her opinion on how a new date might perceive you. Friends can give you good – and sometimes, brutally honest – feedback on this issue.

I often find that one of the ways that men and women flirt when they are on their first date or are early in the dating process is to be sarcastic with their date. I’m not talking about being cruel or mean, but rather being playful, delivering teasing little verbal barbs to the man or woman you’re on the date with. For some people, this is simply one of the main ways that they flirt. It’s kind of like a game, meant to incite a little spark in the dialogue. For such men and women, being sarcastic on a date – particularly with someone they really like – gets the juices flowing and makes the interaction more exciting.

My advice: if you are someone who tends to get sarcastic as a means of flirting, be careful in doing so. Early in the dating process, everyone is a little nervous and uncomfortable, and everyone is doing their best to calm their anxieties and feel more comfortable. If you play the sarcastic card too soon or too frequently, it can send your date a mixed message. He or she might wonder, Does he or she even like me? In addition, you playing the sarcastic card can make your date feel more anxious. After all, you hardly even know each other, and it takes a while for people to get to know each others’ senses of humor.

There’s nothing wrong with expressing a little sarcasm when you’re dating. The goal is to remember that, if you like the person you’re dating, you need to focus more on being honest and kind than on being sarcastic. Too much sarcasm too soon might backfire and push the one you like away.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. It's at all Borders and Barnes & Noble stores, and online at Amazon.com

Keeping it Simple: 10 DATING TIPS

1. Early in the dating process, make the dates activity-oriented. Malls, sporting events, and festivals are great examples of places to visit on your first few dates.

2. On your date, make sure to ask your date questions about him or her – e.g., likes, dislikes, a little information about where he or she comes from. Women often find that men on first dates don’t ask them a lot of questions about themselves, and this is a big turn-off for women.

3. On your date, avoid too much discussion about work or what your date does for a living. Men and women who make a lot of money, in particular, are often afraid that someone will simply want to be with them for their money, so asking them too much about their job might scare them away.

4. On your date, tell your date a little bit about your hobbies or interests.

5. On your date, show a little physical affection throughout the date if you like him or her – e.g., touch his or her arm warmly, or put your hand on his or her back for a moment.

6. On your date, don’t feel uncomfortable if there are a few moments where you’re not talking to each other. You’re just getting to know each other, so lulls in the conversation are perfectly normal. During such a lull, divert your eyes from your date and distract yourself – e.g., rearrange your silverware, take a breath, or ask for a dessert menu.

7. At the end of your date, if you like him or her, suggest something that you could do together on a future date. Don’t try to read too much into how he or she responds, because it’s often impossible to figure out how someone truly feels at that moment – only time will tell.

8. At the end of your date, avoid engaging in too much physical or sexual contact. If you like him or her, keep it simple with a kiss on the cheek. If you’re meant to be together, you’ll have a long time to get more physical. There’s no need to rush it!

9. After your date, don’t get caught up in the “Should I wait a day to call him?” drama. If you like him or her, make the phone call. Growing up = giving up the games.

10. After your date, remember that finding the love of your life is a numbers game. The more frequently you date new people, the more likely you will be to find someone you truly connect with. If your last date worked out and you stay together, that’s terrific – mission accomplished. If not, allow yourself a day to feel disappointed and then get back out there and start looking for your next date!

Should You Have...Sex on the First Date?

In talking with a friend about this topic, she said definitively that sex on the first date is bad news. I know I sound like a cheap version of Carrie Bradsaw (of Sex and the City fame)if I say "so I got to thinking..." so I will re-frame my beginning.

The truth is that sex on the first date is an issue that everyone who is dating needs to think about. One of the things I find myself saying to my clients is "be sure you know what you're doing." Clients often ask me for my advice, and often wish I would tell them whether they should or shouldn't so something. Consistently, I say that they can do whatever they choose, but must be aware of what the effect will be of their actions. In other words, you can't simply do something without having insight into your behavior. Part of being an adult is realizing that your behaviors have consequences.

Many women and men have sex on the first date. Sometimes, it happens without planning. People get caught up in the moment and, before you know it, clothes are strewn all over the floor. Other times, people walk into a date with a set rule that they will not have sex on the first date under any circumstances.

I had dinner with a group of people Saturday night and I polled the group to get their thoughts on the issue. One member of the group said there shouldn't be any rules on the subject, and that people should trust their instincts. She sounded so confident that I almost switched my opinion!

However, my feeling on the subject is different. I think a good rule of thumb is to avoid sex on the first date if you are hoping the date could turn into a relationship. It's provincial to suggest that you should avoid sex early on so your date doesn't think you're 'easy.' Two consenting adults should be able to do what they want to do as long as they are careful. Our society doesn't need any more judgment than it already bears.

The reason to avoid sex on the first date is that having sex would suggest that you are willing to invest in someone you really don't know yet. For example, you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it. If you want to have a relationship with a person, you need to get to know them first before you get too hot and heavy. Sex brings up a lot of intense emotions, and I don't think you should let someone trigger you so strongly before you know if they are good for you. My goodness, even waiting a week is better than doing it on the first date.

The ultimate point is that you want to protect yourself emotionally. You want to know whether someone will be sensitive, thoughtful and caring with you in general before you start getting emotionally or physically intimate with them. Remember, patience is a virtue!

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about how to stop repeating bad patterns in your romantic relationships. Pre-order today at Amazon.com or find it in bookstores December 18!