Accept Your Partner OR Move On!

Hands down, one of the most common problems I see in my practice as a psychologist and therapist is the tendency for women and men to try to change their partners. This behavior is especially effective at corroding a good relationship and turning it into a hostile territory of hurts and resentments.

Typically, when you strive to change your partner, you're painfully unaware of what you're doing. For example, I can see a client and ask "Are you sure you're not trying to change him?" Without fail, the response is usually a flat and fairly certain "No, I'm not trying to change him at all." And while, in this instance, I'm using particular pronouns that indicate a given gender, the reality is that both men and women fall into the trying-to-change-him-or-her trap in their relationships.

I will make my pronouncement simply: Trying to change your partner will never work. It's a losing game, one that will bring you frustration and anger. In addition, your partner will sense that you don't fully accept him or her and will begin detaching or, conversely, become more combative with you.

Ask yourself this basic question: Do I truly accept him or her? The truth is that, if you are trying to change something about your partner, you don't truly accept him or her. One good way to check in with your partner on this issue is to ask directly: "Do you ever feel like I try to change you?" Asking this question when things are good is a much better time to discuss this, as opposed to when you're already in the middle of a rocky, poor communication patch.

Finally, it's important to distinguish between trying to change your partner and trying to change the partnership - meaning the relationship and the interpersonal dynamics that come with it. Trying to change your partner is a bad thing, but working on ways to change your relationship is a good thing. To give you an example, focus your energies on changing the dynamics with your partner. It's okay to tell her that you wish she would spend more time with you on Saturday, but it's not okay to tell her that you wish she were more of a homebody. See the difference?

Ultimately, you must separate those traits that are central to who your partner is and those behaviors which tend to be more changeable. Accept the things your partner cannot change, or consider leaving the relationship if you can't bear those things. In the end, a long-term relationship requires flexibility and compromise. Put simply, you choose your battles wisely.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Animal House 2010

I work at a university, so I’m tuned into the rhythm of the academic calendar. I’m gearing up (bracing myself) for the start of the semester and the incoming class of anxious freshman.

College is an exciting time for most students, but it is also a time of stress and incredible change. Many college students live on campus and may be leaving their homes for the first time. Unfamiliar food, strange roommates, and fresh academic challenges are just some of the “new” elements thrown at students. Adjusting to college life can be very difficult and stressful. Most college students manage their way through the transition, but some lack sufficient coping and academic skills to be successful right out of high school.

If you have a young adult departing for college, take time to talk with them about how they are feeling. Let them know what you expect from them in concrete terms. Topics like sex, alcohol, and academics are all important areas to cover during these conversations. It is unrealistic for parents to assume that their son or daughter will never experiment with adult behavior in college.

As a college counselor, I cannot stress enough the negative consequences associated with underage drinking. Alcohol abuse academically derails many students. Also, far too many young adults deal with terrible life altering situations such as DUI and sexual assault. College students need to be educated about alcohol. They need to know that it is a drug alters judgment. If they choose to drink alcohol then they risk the negative consequences associated with it.

Many parents tell me that they feel that their adolescents don’t “listen” to them, but I know that most students truly care about their parents’ opinions. Most kids really want to make their parents proud and have a fun, successful college experience. Discussing the realities of college will make them better prepared and ensure their success.

Why Type A Personalities Need to Learn to Relax

As I make my way back to California after a week’s vacation, I feel the usual things that come with a week off: a sense of calm and peace, and that typically elusive sense that life is good, predictable, and kind.

Of course, these feelings are fleeting because life is filled with so many obligations. Yet vacation offers one of the opportunities for us to let our hair down (little as we may have), and I rememebered this past week how important it is to simply do…nothing.

The world is full of all sorts of people: some are harried workaholics, others flounder, and a large portion probably lives somewhere in the middle. Me? Without doubt, I fall toward the workaholic end of the spectrum, constantly beset by the sense that there is more to do, larger goals to set and achieve. For this reason, I often choose vacation spots that offer high levels of stimulation: cities packed with both people and activities, or new regions that beg for exploration. That said, this past vacation was different. Quite literally, I did nothing. Though I’m certain my heart was beating day-in, day-out (my proof is that I’m alive and awake to type this on my final day of vacation), I surrendered to the peace and quiet of a quiet seaside town on Cape Cod and amused myself with simply walks on the beach and staring out at the ocean.

I must admit that there were moments when I felt the sudden slam of anxiety: What am I going to do for the next several hours this afternoon? Typically we have so much to do that the problem is what should we do, but what do we have to do next? Yet after a week of true R & R, I realize the value in occasionally taking a vacation to a place that encourages the art of doing nothing. After all, it’s only when you clear your environment of nonstop stimulation that you let your mind wander and find its own internal resting place. Yes, it brings with it its own unique consequences: I can’t tell you how many times during the last week I lost my train of thought. Simply put, my body wasn’t the only part of me at rest this week – my brain was actually resting, too.

So, if I learned anything from this past week that I can share with you, it is this: If you are lucky enough to indulge in two vacations each year, choose them with balance in mind. Create one vacation that offers excitement and stimulation, and create another that offers…nothing. This balance will reward you with a happiness and peace that sustains you over the long haul when you return to work, responsibilities, and – well, enough said. I probably shouldn’t erase the final day of my vacation by reminding myself too emphatically of what lies immediately ahead.

Mental Health Tip of the Day

Try a new form of exercise one time in the next week. It's my belief that exercise will take the edge off of almost any kind of problem, so try something new for a change. Consider: running, walking, jump roping, roller blading, hiking, swimming, dancing, or a new class at the gym.

If you don't exercise, it's really time to start!

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Being in a Relationship with a "Sex Addict"...

My phone is ringing off the hook with people who want to talk about "Sex Addiction." Colleagues, friends, media, and clients are all fascinated by 2010's seemingly endless avalanche of celebrity sexual transgressions.

The term "sexual addiction" is used to describe the behavior of a person who has an unusually intense pre-occupation with sex. It is not a formal diagnosis included in the DSM-IV-TR, the “bible” of mental health disorders. But the behavior associated with it can be included in other diagnoses such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a miscellaneous diagnosis called Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified.

Essentially the verdict is still out about creating a formal diagnosis for this problem, but it is a legitimate concern for an estimated 5%-10% of the population.

Sex addiction shares parallels with other addictions, such as alcohol and drug addiction. Sex addicts act-out sexually despite negative consequences. Generally, they have little or no emotional investment in their sexual partners and feel guilt and/or shame after acting-out. But for some people it is the only way they know to relieve anxiety and cope with stress.

Sex addiction makes it difficult for the addicted person to engage is healthy relationships. Sex addicts frequently spend enormous amounts of time and energy in the pursuit of sex. Sex, addicts, like other types of addicts, are not dealing with their feelings and use other means—in this case sex—to self-medicate. The addicted person is not truly present in their relationship if their life has been taken over by compulsive sexual thoughts and behaviors. They certainly aren’t emotionally available for their partner. Sex addicts are focused on chasing their next sexual high, rather than their relationship.

Dr. Seth's Flourish Workshop: Los Angeles

Dr. Seth's next speaking engagement will be: Dr. Seth's Flourish Workshop: Find Your Romantic Match.

The workshop is February 5, Saturday, from 10:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m. at the Sheraton Hotel in Pasadena. To register, e-mail Dr. Seth at DrSeth@DrSethRelationshipExpert.com for specific details.

The workshop is a motivational workshop that will highlight why relationships sometimes fail and the 5 key ingredients to finding the right match for you.

Dr. Seth's Love Workshop: Los Angeles

I am thrilled to report that I will host a workshop in Los Angeles on Saturday, February 5, 2011 that will focus on how to find the right romantic partner for you. I will post details, including the location, workshop activities, price, and registration information, in the next couple of weeks.

I promise that this is one workshop you won't want to miss!

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

I receive many e-mails from women asking about secrets to making a long distance relationship work. In response to these e-mails, I have come up with some quick tips that can help to keep the spark alive and keep the intimacy vibrant. Below, I have listed the tips and hope you find them helpful!

Tip # 1: After a weekend together when he is getting ready to leave, stick some little notes in his luggage for him to find later.

Tip # 2: Keep a photo of the two of you in your wallet, and pull it out when you miss him. Also keep photos at your desk at work and at home, and keep one on your wallpaper on your cell phone or your key chain. Always keep him in sight!

Tip # 3: Have a date night on the phone. Slip into your pajamas, pour a glass of wine, and settle in for a relaxing conversation. Lay down and close your eyes, and you can imagine when he’s talking that he’s right next to you.

Tip # 4: Keep a shirt or baseball cap of his, and keep it on a chair in your room or on the bed to remind you of him.

Tip # 5: Ask him on occasion to send pictures of himself on his camera phone so that you feel like you’re right there with him. If he’s at a concert, ask him to call you, hold the phone out, and leave a message so that you feel like you get to experience a part of the concert with him.

Tip # 6: Make sure to tell him about the events in your life that make you feel good or bad, because these are the parts of your day that affect you the most, and you want him to know what’s really going on with you. Tell him you want him to share the same kind of details.

Tip # 7: Don’t settle into a routine in which you call him every day at exactly the same time. Throw in an occasional call for a surprise and say “just wanted to hear your voice.”

Tip # 8: It may sound silly, but write letters – even if just one or two per year. Tell him what’s been going on and, most of all, tell him WHY you miss him. Telling him why you miss him reminds him that he is truly appreciated.