GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

How to Find the *Best* Clinician (for You)

Finding a mental health professional that suits your needs can be a little confusing and tedious. First, people generally don’t seek out mental health services when they are feeling their absolute best. During an emotional crisis, searching for a helping professional is the last thing people feel like doing. Also, insurance companies commonly offer a list of providers in an area who are “in-network,” but these lists frequently fail to give you the specific information that would help you to choose a practitioner. Lists don’t give you a real sense of the real person behind the credentials, and I feel that this is most important quality. Finally, wading through the alphabet soup of credentials can be quite confusing. So, how do you find the right clinician?

Just to clarify, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who may or may not provide psychotherapy in addition to providing evaluations for psychotropic medication. Psychiatrists attend med school and then specialize in psychiatric issues. Basically, psychiatrists are the only mental health professionals who can prescribe medication, except for some very specialized nurses with prescription privileges.

Psychologists, social workers, and licensed professional counselors, are mental health professionals who fall under the broad category of therapists. If you are interested in talk therapy—and there are many types—you probably want to find a licensed therapist before seeking out a psychiatrist.

The clinician’s education and training determines the letters after their name, but don’t be afraid to ask what abbreviations mean! Any therapist that you actually want to see more than once should be open to explaining these. I get the sense that many people are paralyzed by the taboo against asking their therapist questions, so they don’t feel entitled to ask basic questions about professional qualifications. It is absolutely okay to ask about questions about specialties, years of experience, and training.

The combination of talk therapy in addition to psychiatric medication is generally considered to be more therapeutic than medication alone. If you are interested in medication, then consider discussing this option with a therapist who may be able to refer you to a psychiatrist.

I’m a big believer if word-of-mouth referrals. These may come from other professionals in the field or friends or family who have recommendations. (Just make sure the referral is not too close to home.) Sometimes you can tell from an initial phone call whether you want to pursue a relationship with a particular clinician. I’m not even suggesting that you have a phone session, but recognize that a clinician should call you back within a reasonable amount of time, be polite, flexible, and professional. These basic courtesies give you a sense of the person and begin your evaluation process.

And one last thought—it is okay to “shop around” for a good fit. If you have a session with a psychiatrist or therapist and feel that the two of you are not a match, then consider giving it one more shot and then trying someone else.
Not every relationship is meant to be!

Nothward Bound

So...I'm off to San Luis Obispo to attend the wedding of a family member. I promise to have a new article ready next week as soon as I return to Los Angeles in a couple of days!

Don't Let Financial Programs Ruin Your Relationship!

You’ve probably heard that money problems are one the most significant factors that can lead to divorce. Without doubt, differences in money management styles between two partners can ruin a marriage. In fact, you don’t even need to be married to fall victim to the powerful influence money problems can have on a relationship. You could have been cohabitating for years or have recently begun dating someone, but everyone’s relationship with money is quickly transparent. If you tend to be a little reckless with your money or a negligent financial planner, it is going to negatively affect your partner and the overall longevity of your relationship.

There’s no complicated algorithm to determine whether you are a bad money manager – there are simple signs that flash like neon lights in all the corners of your life.

• You are almost always worried about money.
• You have credit card debt even though you make a decent salary.
• You have a penchant for expensive things.
• You have at least one loan beyond a mortgage or a school loan.
• You have an expensive car but don’t yet own a home or condominium.
• Someone you love (probably your partner) has repeatedly expressed concern about the way you handle money.

If you have problems managing your money, you and your partner probably argue frequently about money. Added to this, a struggling economy only makes things worse. If you know that money management is a true problem, you must confront the issue head on immediately.

There are several behaviors you can engage in to improve your money management skills. First, take yourself to a local bookstore or search online for books that specifically focus on this subject. Second, it’s time to have a discussion with your partner and for you to make a vow to change your relationship with money. Third, create what I call a Financial Performance Improvement Plan. In this plan, identify two or three specific money problems, create a solution for each, and come up with a deadline by which the problems will be resolved. Again, be specific.

The final suggestion I have for handling money management problems in your relationship is to talk to other couples in your social circle about how they handle the same issues. I refer to this process as conducting interviews, because you essentially want to get answers and ideas from others that you can possibly apply to your own life and improve your circumstances as a result.

With true commitment and time spent making some changes, you can absolutely improve your money management skills and protect the longevity of your relationships all at once.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Find Love in Unexpected Places

Single clients frequently complain that they have difficulties meeting prospective partners. Many people tell me that they are not comfortable in bars and are not interested in online dating.

If that is the case, where can singles go to meet the man or woman of their dreams?

Do you have an undeveloped passion that you have always wanted to pursue? Consider joining a group that shares your interest (a community tennis league, a meditation group, a book club). Meeting new people with similar interests of either gender will expand your social circle and romantic horizons. The more relaxed pace of summer months may allow you to take a class and pursue photography, yoga, or that CPR certification you have always wanted.

And don’t rule out volunteer service as a way to meet others. Check you local township’s website for possibilities. My local community’s website lists a plethora of community service organizations, ethnic heritage festivals, and animal welfare initiatives. You may meet someone close to home who also shares similar values.

It’s true that life is complicated and that our daily lives are often filled with unexpected surprises that cause us to deviate from the social plans that we have made. Yet too often I hear from clients that they have a relationship or two in which they have a friend who blows them off with little thought, and this kind of social behavior among friends is simply unacceptable. Simply put, we’re too busy in our adult lives to put up with unnecessary annoyances.

Think for a moment: Do you have a friend who is unreliable, one who blows you off or breaks social plans more than you are comfortable with? If so, you need to stop making excuses for your friend and deal with the problem head-on.

It’s important to note that you don’t have to broach this issue out of the blue – in other words, with no recent or immediate offending event. It’s understandable if you want to wait until the next time that your friend blows you off to address it, but take some time now to reflect on how you will confront the situation when it next arises.

Some quick suggestions:

When you first hear that your friend has canceled – whether it’s during a conversation or by voicemail, text, or e-mail – respond IMMEDIATELY. Deal with it in the moment before the moment escapes. Explain briefly that you 1) feel frustrated because this has happened before, 2) want to set up a time in the next few days (if you can’t reach your friend immediately) to discuss the issue, and 3) need for this pattern to stop for the sake of your future friendship.

When you finally have your talk with your friend, focus on how the behavior is affecting you. Use “I” statements (“I feel like…”) so that your friend doesn’t feel attacked and subsequently shut down. Explain to your friend that you care about your friendship and want it to continue, but state that you feel that his or her behavior is hurting your friendship.

Whether you are dealing with this issue or any other, you are going to find that dealing with it head-on is the only way to truly solve a problem.

Your Romantic To-Do List

If you are in a relationship, take this advice and pass it on to a friend. If you are single, use this advice yourself!

Perhaps you’re a list-maker, perhaps you’re not. I, myself, am guilty of creating the silliest lists for the most trivial projects. Making lists helps to organize your thoughts and the way you approach your daily activities. Though you may occasionally draft your own lists, you may not have tried creating a to-do list that speaks to your romantic goals.

Try this simple activity: write a list of 5 activities you will engage in to meet someone new, and then make a list of the five characteristics that you want your future romantic partner to have. As you write your list, make sure to use direct, strong language (“I will…vs. I want to…”).

In my relationship-oriented self-help book that comes out in December, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, I have pages and pages of inventories in which the reader will engage in fill-in-the-blank exercises and write an assortment of lists. I’ve written the book this way because writing can organize your thoughts and solidify your goals. Most of all, writing makes you feel like you are taking action rather than sitting around, waiting for something good to happen.

Try creating your own romantic to-do list today, and you can go back and make changes later or write new ones until you meet your romantic goal: finding a partner who fits you and your life overall!

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Summer Romance


When is it appropriate to plan a weekend away with a new lover?


This is an excellent question from a blog reader. Of course there are no hard and fast rules about this, but taking a vacation with a new someone special does change the relationship dynamic.

Before you plan a trip, it is important to consider the ramifications.

It is easier for daters to put their best foot forward in the typical dinner and a movie situation. Dates are often rather brief and almost ritualistic, which makes them somewhat predictable. Vacations, although frequently pre-planned, involve more spontaneity and some degree of stress, since participants are forced out of their comfortable routines. Getting to the airport, packing the car, securing accommodations; these situations can reveal information about your new romantic interest that you might normally discover on a date. Some of that information may be good and some may be less-than-stellar. Is the person flexible? Can they roll with the unexpected? (vacations always have some degree of the unexpected)

Go into your trip with the understanding that it will change your relationship--maybe a little or maybe a lot. It will allow you to get to know your friend on another level. You will find out how they handle it when your room isn’t ready at check-in or when you win $1,000 playing slots. You may see them in the morning without makeup or before a shave. There may be expectations of physical intimacy. If you are feeling a little anxious about any aspect of a vacation with a new love, it is a good idea to discuss your concerns with them before the trip. I think being prepared guarantees a better time for everyone.

8 Tips for Women: Keeping Long Distance Love Alive

Tip # 1: After a weekend together when he is getting ready to leave, stick some little notes in his luggage for him to find later.

Tip # 2: Keep a photo of the two of you in your wallet, and pull it out when you miss him. Also keep photos at your desk at work and at home, and keep one on your wallpaper on your cell phone or your key chain. Always keep him in sight!

Tip # 3: Have a date night on the phone. Slip into your pajamas, pour a glass of wine, and settle in for a relaxing conversation. Lay down and close your eyes, and you can imagine when he’s talking that he’s right next to you.

Tip # 4: Keep a shirt or baseball cap of his, and keep it on a chair in your room or on the bed to remind you of him.

Tip # 5: Ask him on occasion to send pictures of himself on his camera phone so that you feel like you’re right there with him. If he’s at a concert, ask him to call you, hold the phone out, and leave a message so that you feel like you get to experience a part of the concert with him.

Tip # 6: Make sure to tell him about the events in your life that make you feel good or bad, because these are the parts of your day that affect you the most, and you want him to know what’s really going on with you. Tell him you want him to share the same kind of details.

Tip # 7: Don’t settle into a routine in which you call him every day at exactly the same time. Throw in an occasional call for a surprise and say “just wanted to hear your voice.”

Tip # 8: It may sound silly, but write letters – even if just one or two per year. Tell him what’s been going on and, most of all, tell him WHY you miss him. Telling him why you miss him reminds him that he is truly appreciated.

If You or Someone You Know Feels Suicidal

Suicide reflects one of the most complex psychological behaviors. One of the factors that makes suicide so complex is the fact that we, as mental health specialists, have difficulty predicting it.

True, there are several indicators that suggest that someone will be more likely to commit suicide: If they have a family member who has committed suicide, feel depressed, and feel hopeless about the future, we know that said individual is at higher risk of committing suicide than if these factors were not present. Yet many of these same individuals do not actually commit suicide, which means that we cannot truly predict which individuals will or will not commit suicide.

According to the website www.suicide.org, there were 32,637 suicides in the year 2005, for example, in the Unites States. That is a high number. My guess is that most, if not all of these individuals, felt extremely isolated and hopeless prior to their respective suicides. As a therapist and psychologist, I want to let you know that there are resources available to help you or someone you know should they end up feeling that they cannot manage their lives any longer.

Here is a phone number to call that can be useful if you or someone you know feels suicidal: The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Ultimately, it’s better to be safe than sorry, so use this resource or pass it on if necessary.