GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Memorial Day: Not Just a Day Off From Work


Memorial Day is the traditional kick-off to the summer. Outdoor grilling, relaxing with friends, a three day weekend. Care-free fun that can make us forget the true meaning of the holiday. While it's great to kick back, It is also important to reflect on the sacrifice that so many Americans have made to ensure our freedom. How many people do you know who have served our country in the armed forces? Maybe even you have left home and family for this duty. How many of us have a friend or family member who has died in the line of duty?

My paternal grandfather, Joseph E. Kane, was a pilot in WW2 who died in a crash over the pacific. He was only 27, married with a toddler (my father) and a baby on the way. I often think about how the loss of my grandfather has rippled through the generations. My father really never knew his father and I never got the chance to meet him. Unfortunately, it is a common story.

Take some time today to say thank you to those who have served our country. If you know someone who has passed away, think of a way to honor them--say a prayer of thanks, light a candle, donate to a charity serving vets, or place flowers on a soldier's grave. Small tributes are meaningful when they come from the heart.

Exciting News: Guest Blogger Amanda Kane

I want to take a moment to wish Amanda Kane, LSW, Guest Blogger for "Relationship Advice & More," tremendous luck as she auditions for her very own television show. This is just the beginning for Ms. Kane...I know a major future awaits her!

Good for Your Health: Asserting Yourself

If you follow my blog regularly, you know that I am an advocate of coping skills that can help you to solve problems in your life and function in a healthy and consistent way. In order to cope well, you must know how to handle stress.

As I was recently reading articles online, I came across a particularly good one that was published by the Mayo Clinic. For those of you who are not familiar with it (though this is not an endorsement or advertisement), The Mayo Clinic has long been a leader in providing health services to the public. Check out this terrific and practical article about the value of asserting yourself, and learn how asserting yourself can lower your stress level.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

TIP OF THE DAY: Book a Massage!

One of my absolute favorite indulgences is a massage. I love that the entire process is about relaxation--something that everyone needs more of in their lives. Many people think of body treatments as a luxury (and they can be very expensive!), but I argue that massage is a necessity.

Massage offers a myriad of benefits. Here are just a few:

Massage stimulates the circulatory and immune system. Massage helps with muscle aches and lower back pain. It can help you recover more quickly after a workout or help warm you up before a jog.

Massage can help to alleviate stress and depression.

Humans need to be touched. Massage is a simple way to have this need met. This can be especially important for those who are more socially isolated and do not benefit from physical contact with others. Touch is healing and soothing. It is energetically beneficial. Massage is all about pleasure. and pleasure is certainly an important part of health and life.

Self-care is essential but frequently undervalued in our culture. Setting aside money and spending money on yourself is not superfluous. How can you meet all of your responsibilities without some well-deserved me time?

If you find that booking a massage at a spa is out of your price range, consider contacting massage schools in your area. Usually, you can get a steeply discounted massage by a massage student.

The Secret to the Successful Argument

Too often when people argue, they are quick to judge, blame, or shut the other out. In short, two individuals quickly become opponents as each vies for the winning argument or the last word. You have probably had enough of your own arguments with others to know that arguments usually get the parties involved absolutely nowhere.

I want to give you one tool to use when you find yourself in an argument with anyone, including stranger, co-worker, friend, or romantic partner. The tool is simple: seek to understand before you disagree. Though this tool may sound simple or even self-explanatory, the truth is that most people don’t use this tool when they find themselves in a spat with another individual.

Instead of approaching your fellow arguer with the intent to win or to show him that your way is right or more logical, take 60 seconds and try to understand why he sees things the way he does. Remember that listening and trying to understand his perspective doesn’t mean that he wins and you lose – it simply means that you are showing him that you have enough respect to listen and to try to see it his way. Again, 60 seconds! It’s not lifetime, just a single minute.

Once you take 60 seconds to listen, you will usually find that your former opponent relaxes a little and will, in turn, be more willing to listen to your perspective. The reality about most arguments is that they rarely produce a productive result. Instead, they merely offer the individuals an outlet to vent their pent-up feelings.

The next time you have an argument with anyone, seek to understand before you disagree. Simple tool? Yes. Yet in all of the clinical work that I do, I find that it is the simplest tools that make the greatest difference.

Cursing is Good for Your Mental Health

We Americans can be a puritanical bunch. Our culture finds the use of curse words to be such a repulsive habit, and I have to admit, I’ve just never understood why. What, may I ask, is so wrong with swearing?

Feeling tempted to throw out the occasional curse word is fairly natural. Where people differ is in their respective embrace or avoidance of this temptation. What about you: Do you try not to swear, or are you okay with swearing as a rule?

I myself am guilty of using curse words on a fairly regular basis. While I occasionally use them to show emphasis, I primarily use them as a vehicle to vent negative feelings. While everyone – me included – may occasionally be guilty of what I call superfluous swearing (i.e., “this dessert is so f*cking good”), most bad words pop out when a person is flooded with a negative emotion. Over time, I have developed my theory on the topic and it’s now quite simple and specific: I believe that how you feel about swearing mirrors your attitude toward showing anger.

I’ve seen it firsthand in my clinical work: most people avoid showing anger, considering it to be one of the ‘bad’ emotions that we’re somehow not supposed to feel – that is, if you’re a relatively happy, well-adjusted individual. Oh, if you could see me throwing my arms in the air in frustration (and of course silently uttering a curse word) at the thought of it! Quite to the contrary: Anger is good, and so is swearing.

Battling through the obstacle course you like to call your day-to-day life can sometimes strap you onto an emotional rollercoaster that truly tries your patience. When you have experiences that frustrate or anger you, why force yourself to suppress the natural feelings that swell up in you? If something makes you angry, and swearing somehow provides a vent for that negative energy, let it out! There’s no universal textbook that gets to have the final say on swearing, and no reason why suppressing the urge to curse – meanwhile neatly swaddling your feelings in gentle language – is the right thing to do.

My greatest problem with others’ Pollyanna-ish attitudes towards the cuss question is that is suggests that we should all aspire to be one-note robots, emotionally neutral and forever able to handle whatever life throws our way with a snap, an “Oh, nuts!” and a smile. You know what? The simple truth is that sometimes life simply sucks. Embracing that fact is a much healthier response than willfully ignoring it. And if swearing is one of the ways that you cope when life overwhelms you, this occasionally foul-mouthed shrink believes that you are managing just fine.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Shopping and You

I love a good sale...and really, who doesn't? They can be so seductive. I find online shopping particularly enticing and easy. Sometimes dangerously easy. You click a little icon and "buy it now" or add it to your virtual shopping cart. It sometimes doesn't feel like real money being spent. Until the very real credit card bills come!

Shopping addiction is not an official, full fledged psychiatric condition, but it can be a serious problem with similarities to other addictions. The high is fleeting and the shopper is never satisfied. Shopping that is compulsive and out-of-control frequently results in negative consequences like debt.

Shopping problems are under recognized in our capitalistic, consumer-driven society. The media--and even some of our highest ranking politicians have encouraged us to engage in a little "retail therapy" in tough times. Certainly shopping can be fun, but where is the line between fun and compulsive buying and spending?

For everyone the answer is a little different, but if your spending/shopping habits are negatively impacting your life then it is time to STOP. Reflect on what is going on with you emotionally. Is the shopping distracting you from other areas of your life that need work? Are you using it as a way to cope with uncomfortable feelings? Addictions have this hallmark.

If you feel like you may have a problem then talk to a trusted friend, family member, or a therapist. Discussing the issue with someone may give you perspective and start the process of change. Take steps to curb your spending, such as making a specific shopping list and committing to buy only what is on the list. Pay for items only with cash (it hurts more). Get to know your triggers. If you stay up late at night and watch the home shopping channel, you are probably setting yourself up to fail. Consider some lifestyle changes that will make you spending habits healthier.
Also check out Debtors Anonymous for additional resources and support.

www.debtorsanonymous.org