GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

A Room of One’s Own

Couples frequently grapple with balancing their individual needs with those of the partnership. It is not usually an easy balance to strike. Individuals often seek therapy for relationship related issues, and too little or too much time with a partner is a very common theme. What is the solution?

If you live with your partner and feel you need more personal space—whether that space is metaphorical or not—consider turning part of your shared living space into an area just for you and you alone. Now, this isn’t as selfish it may sound. Having a space to yourself can definitely benefit your relationship. Autonomy and individuality do not go out the door because people get married or move-in together. Carving out a space for yourself to pursue your interests is a concrete manifestation of your own individuality. It is perfectly healthy to have privacy and separateness even in the context of a relationship. Everyone has varying needs in this regard.

If your partner protests about your special workroom, man cave, or craft room, then suggest that the two of you find an area where your partner can carve out special space as well.

Sex on Date # 1: Good or Bad?

In talking with a friend about this topic, she said definitively that sex on the first date is bad news. I know I sound like a cheap version of Carrie Bradsaw (of Sex and the City fame)if I say "so I got to thinking..." so I will re-frame my beginning.

The truth is that sex on the first date is an issue that everyone who is dating needs to think about. One of the things I find myself saying to my clients is "be sure you know what you're doing." Clients often ask me for my advice, and often wish I would tell them whether they should or shouldn't so something. Consistently, I say that they can do whatever they choose, but must be aware of what the effect will be of their actions. In other words, you can't simply do something without having insight into your behavior. Part of being an adult is realizing that your behaviors have consequences.

Many women and men have sex on the first date. Sometimes, it happens without planning. People get caught up in the moment and, before you know it, clothes are strewn all over the floor. Other times, people walk into a date with a set rule that they will not have sex on the first date under any circumstances.

I had dinner with a group of people Saturday night and I polled the group to get their thoughts on the issue. One member of the group said there shouldn't be any rules on the subject, and that people should trust their instincts. She sounded so confident that I almost switched my opinion!

However, my feeling on the subject is different. I think a good rule of thumb is to avoid sex on the first date if you are hoping the date could turn into a relationship. It's provincial to suggest that you should avoid sex early on so your date doesn't think you're 'easy.' Two consenting adults should be able to do what they want to do as long as they are careful. Our society doesn't need any more judgment than it already bears.

The reason to avoid sex on the first date is that having sex would suggest that you are willing to invest in someone you really don't know yet. For example, you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it. If you want to have a relationship with a person, you need to get to know them first before you get too hot and heavy. Sex brings up a lot of intense emotions, and I don't think you should let someone trigger you so strongly before you know if they are good for you. My goodness, even waiting a week is better than doing it on the first date.

The ultimate point is that you want to protect yourself emotionally. You want to know whether someone will be sensitive, thoughtful and caring with you in general before you start getting emotionally or physically intimate with them. Remember, patience is a virtue!

How to Handle Conflict in Your Relationship

No matter how hard you try, conflict will arise sooner or later in any long-term relationship you have. Whether the relationship is personal or professional, it is inevitable that two people will butt heads at some point. How you handle the conflict is a testament to your level of awareness of your role in the conflict.

The easiest way to escalate a conflict is to attack the other person. Understand that you don’t have to verbally attack someone for that person to feel attacked. You can make the most subtle statement, but if it is passive-aggressive it will be interpreted as an attack.

Many therapists emphasize the importance of “I” statements during a conflict. They assert that stating how you feel can never be misconstrued as an attack. There is some truth to this, but I think it is a little remedial to suggest that starting your sentences with “I” is going to solve everything. I think people are smarter than this and capable of going one step further.

The best way to handle a conflict, I believe, is to lay your goal out on the table, and remind the person you are talking to that you have the same goal. “We both want this to work, so let’s try to figure out a way to make that happen.” The reason this is critical is that many conflicts end up turning into power struggles between two people.

Power struggles never work. You need to do what you can to take power out of the equation, and make sure that each of you feels safe to come to a resolution together. It helps to say things like “these might be my issues, but…” or “I know I can sometimes be difficult so…” These proclamations are important because they throw the issue of power and control out the window. Acknowledging that you are not perfect and that you simply want to make things work can make the other person feel more comfortable and more amenable to a resolution.

In the end, we catch more flies with honey. Remember to see that person as an ally when problems arise and you will find yourself managing conflict much better as a result.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Talk to Your College Student!

As a clinician on a college campus, I witness students struggling with many stressors. College is typically an exciting, hopeful period for students, but change of any kind is inherently stressful—even if it is a positive change. Young adults are away from home for the first time and separated from their support system of friends and family. They are less bound by the rigidity of high school and must learn to structure themselves and manage their time. They are plunged into an unfamiliar environment with strange cafeteria food, unfamiliar roommates, and new demands and expectations. Our culture romanticizes college and doesn’t always acknowledge the difficult challenges facing college students. Young adults are at an extremely vulnerable time in their lives and need to develop healthy coping skills for managing stress.

At a time when their coping skills are challenged as never before, young adults are also experimenting with adult behaviors like sex and drinking. Obviously, people drink for a variety of reasons. Sometimes students simply cave to peer pressure or try a drink because they are curious. Alcohol is legal, more socially acceptable than other drugs, and lacks the stigma associated with illegal drugs (even for those underage). Also, kids are inundated by the aggressive marketing campaigns of companies hoping to create the next generation of customers. Whatever the precise reason, teenagers without adequate coping skills are vulnerable to these pressures and may abuse alcohol.

It is important to discuss drugs and alcohol with your teens. Many parents feel that what they have to say on the subject will just go in one ear and out the other of their teenagers, but I can reassure you that adolescents do care very much about their parents and their values. Parents need to educate themselves about alcohol and communicate to their kids that alcohol is a mood altering depressant drug. Additionally, young adults sometimes don't consider the possible negative consequences associated with alcohol abuse, which include: sexual assault, drunk driving, interpersonal problems, public misconduct, accidents…the list goes on and on. It is important for us to enlighten young adults regarding alcohol's affect on judgement, motor skills, and inhibitions. We also need to model responsible behavior.

Many college students feel that binge drinking, which is drinking more than four drinks in a sitting, is the norm for their age group. While some students do drink, it is important for adults to correct misperceptions about alcohol use and abuse. Misperceptions recalibrate the norm and distort reality. As a parent, it is important to share your values and expectations with your child. It may not always seem to be the case, but even teenagers consider their parents' opinion valuable.

Alcohol abuse is not unique to a particular university. It is a problem that affects every college in America and reflects our broader culture. Because alcohol is ubiquitous, we risk becoming desensitized to its potential impact on young lives. Bringing awareness to the issue is the first step in creating a cultural change on our college campuses. April is National Alcohol Awareness Month and a great time to talk to your kids about this important subject.

Make-Up Sex: Bad for Relationships?

In romantic relationships, make-up sex can be unhealthy because it can reinforce fighting and drama. Think about it: If you have amazing sex after you have a huge fight, doesn't it make sense to fight again when the reward is so amazing?

On the one hand, two people can come together after a disagreement and share physical intimacy because they feel close. That's not the real reason that motivates most make-up sex. On the other hand, most make-up sex results from having felt and expressed extreme negative emotions during a heated argument. Because these individuals get sick of feeling the negative extreme end of the spectrum, they hunger to switch gears and jump to the opposite end of the spectrum - to feel the high of the positive end of the emotional spectrum. During make-up sex, couples often express extreme positive emotions and they reach a momentary state of bliss. They declare grand statements of love and feel, in that moment, that they are sure they belong together.

The problem: This often isn't real intimacy. Intimacy is about a mutual love and balance, while drama is about extremes and fantasies. Make-up sex often reflects the unconscious fantasy to be able to make everything better with sex. Sadly, it's often after couples have this heated sexual moment that they feel sadder and more lonely when the old feelings come back.

The reality is that when you find someone you truly belong with, you feel balanced because you sense that things are in the emotional order they are supposed to be in. The next time you have a fight with your partner and you later try to initiate make-up sex, sit with those feelings a little longer and make sure that you are having sex for the right reason.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Sunday Rituals

The old-fashioned family supper on Sunday is an important tradition that seems to have gotten lost in the busyness of modern life. It is important for many reasons—especially because it provides a special time to reconnect with loved ones and nurture both our physical and emotional selves. Sitting down to dinner with your family for a relaxing meal is grounding and gives everyone the chance to “touch base” before the hectic work week begins. It is an opportunity to simply talk, which is something that many families don’t have much time for these days.

In general, traditions are important because they reinforce a sense of community. If family dinners aren’t your thing, use your creativity and invent another kind of ritual that brings people together. Consider a weekly “game night” or maybe a trip to the park—even volunteering at a local nonprofit. Any fun activity that gives people a chance to just be together is therapeutic for family relationships. Try it and watch your relationships improve!

Mental Health Joke of the Day

I know that this reveals how silly I can be, but I had to pass this on...

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Got it? The answer: None. The lightbulb has to really want to change.

Loving Someone Addicted to Meth: What to Do & How to Cope

Having treated countless addicts over the years who have abused a number of illicit drugs, I have never seen such devastating effects as those from serious use of methamphetamine, or crystal meth, as it is often referred to.

Before we go further, let me give you a little 411 on meth. From the Office of National Drug Control Policy’s website:

“Methamphetamine is a highly addictive central nervous system stimulant that can be injected, snorted, smoked, or ingested orally. Methamphetamine users feel a short yet intense "rush" when the drug is initially administered. The immediate effects of methamphetamine include increased activity and decreased appetite. The drug has limited medical uses for the treatment of narcolepsy, attention deficit disorders, and obesity.”

One of the terrible symptoms that comes with meth use is the inability to sleep. In fact, it’s not uncommon for a meth user to use the substance and to use it non-stop for two to three days without sleeping. This drug has horrific effects on the user, but severely impacts the loved ones of the users, as well. For example, if you your loved one has been MIA for a couple of days, you’re going to feel like a nervous wreck as you wonder where they are and worry for their safety.

If someone you love is hooked on meth, you must initially offer support. Some quick research on the internet will show you there are hundreds of online resources there to help, and you can also direct your loved one to a local mental health center for treatment. Yet you must also look out for your own needs because this drug can destroy everyone in its path. Get a good book on addiction so that you understand it, and then pick up a copy of Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More. Resources such as this one can help keep you sane when loving an addict makes you feel like you’re hanging on by a thread.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

What Does Money Mean to You?

Money is the #1 reason that marriage ends in divorce. Clearly, the topic of finance is fraught with emotion, but why? Part of the reason may be because whether you are Oprah or an unemployed magician, money plays a vital role in your life. We constantly have to interact with money—it is unavoidable.

Money is loaded with symbolism. It can signify security, self-worth, ownership, or freedom among many possible meanings. We learn attitudes about money in our childhood and carry them into our adult partnerships. How did your parents deal with it? Was one person a saver while the other was more of a spender? Did you grow up listening to your parents argue about finances? It behooves us to reflect on our attitudes about money and how these play out in our lives.

During childhood we learn the difference between a necessity and a luxury. Since everyone’s upbringing is different, romantic partnerships can challenge these long-held beliefs. But what if you feel that going out to a weekly movie is a necessity, but your partner views it as a luxury? It is important, although sometimes very difficult, to attempt to see the issue from your partner’s perspective. Discussing the issue will ideally lead to some sort of compromise.

Compromising is sometimes easier said than done. It doesn’t mean that one partner gives in to the other. It means that the couple together works out a solution that is acceptable to both parties. You don’t want the solution to satisfy one person while the other stews with unmet needs and resentment. Couples need to discuss money and financial issues and not simply assume that general compatibility always translates into financial compatibility.

Discussing money can be a taboo—even between intimate partners. It is important for couples to break the silence and frankly discuss—not only the concrete nuts and bolts of finances—but also the associated feelings. You may want more money, but beyond that, what does it really mean to you? Sharing your feelings and learning to compromise on financial matters can forge intimacy and understanding that will ultimately permeate other aspects of your relationship.