Wednesday, January 27, 2010

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW









Everybody Loves to Hate Commitment-Phobes

It is award season in Hollywood, and the George Clooney flick, Up in the Air, has been lauded as a standout picture of 2009. I recently saw the movie and immediately thought of this blog. The movie is rich with fodder for relationship discussions. The protagonist of the movie is a classic commitment-phobe. A “lone wolf” that moves through life without connections or relationships to “weigh” him down.

Up in the Air encouraged me to reflect on the pathology of the commitment- phobe. Society mythologizes this (usually male) person as a sad soul who doesn’t realize the joy of true love (and marriage). George Clooney’s real life persona probably exemplifies the absolute most attractive version of the commitment-phobe type. Isn’t the press constantly hounding poor Clooney about his disinclination toward marriage? Why the fascination? I think that because marriage is the typical route for heterosexual males, those that buck this traditional path are particularly threatening.

Is the decision to be single pathological? Society generally makes it out to be that way, but I would argue that it is a totally valid lifestyle choice. Most lifestyles choices are valid if—(and the if is crucial)—they are made from a place of self-knowledge. Whether the choice is to be single, married, or something less defined and in-between, then the conscious decision not to marry is completely legitimate.

Of course anything in extreme is usually not healthy. Everyone needs intimate relationships—platonic or romantic—as well as various social connections. Ryan Bingham is an extreme example of the commitment-phobe, someone who is alone for mostly unconscious reasons. The media has drawn obvious parallels between the real George Clooney and his Up in the Air character. But my impression of George Clooney is that he is psychologically healthier and less extreme than his character. I wonder what others think about commitment-phobes?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Divorce Statistics: First Marriages & Later Marriages


Take a guess – which rate would you expect to be lower? Below I have included the rates for first, second, and third marriages.

•Divorce rate in America after first marriage is from 41% to 50%.

•US divorce rate after second marriage is from 60% to 67%

•After 3 marriages the US divorce rate is from 73% to 74%

Why, would you guess, is the rate higher for later marriages? Having examined a wide array of research on divorce in the past, I know how complex the interpretation of divorce statistics is. Yet here is one of the simple reasons why divorce statictics are higher for later marriages: After having your first marriage fail because it was not meeting your needs, you are often less likely to put up with another marriage later that doesn't meet your needs. In essence, you know yourself better after your first marriage, including what you want and need from a relationship. That said, these statistics are high and underscore the need for individuals to carefully choose their partners from the very beginning.


Source for Statistics cited: Aboutdivorce.org (see homepage).

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Evil: Does It Truly Exist in Humans?


Recently a television news story stirred in me a very fundamental question: Does evil truly exist in human beings? The specific story to which I’m referring was entitled “Katie’s Story,” a story on ABC News’ 20/20. The program highlighted the heinous crime London model Katie Piper suffered in March of 2008, and documented her subsequent recovery process. Simply put, Katie met and briefly dated the wrong man, and he ultimately sought revenge when she rejected him. The nature of the revenge was truly out of this world: he paid someone to throw sulfuric acid into her face – the very face, of course, that was her moneymaker as a model.

In discussing the news story with a friend, my friend was quick to diagnose the man’s problem: pure evil. Yet attributing such a sensationalistic trait to this behavior – evil – seemed insufficient and almost untrue. Of course, it goes without saying that paying a hit man to destroy another person’s face is horrendous. Think, for a moment, about the repercussions: months and even years of corrective surgeries only to look like a perfect cross between somewhat disfigured and somewhat normal. Moreover, just imagine what this kind of trauma does to the psyche. I’m not sure if years of therapy can ever undo that kind of trauma.

Switching focus back to the perpetrator, what truly motivates such asinine behavior? As a clinical psychologist, I’m guessing that I would lose my license as a practicing shrink if I ever labeled someone evil or wrote that description on a clinical form describing a patient’s psychological makeup. Yet the clinically equivalent label – Antisocial Personality Disorder – exists and fairly describes a minuscule portion of the population. Does this term fit with Katie Piper’s perpetrator?

The reality of this complex issue is that diagnosing him would require a trained clinician to assess him over a period of time, taking into account his history and his current perceptions and state of mind. In terms of what motivated Katie Piper’s perpetrator, I would not ascribe the root of the problem to evil. However, I would – without the need for further assessment or investigation – deem the root to be mental illness, and further assessment would need to clarify the diagnostic specifics.

The distinction between attributing horrific human behavior to evil or attributing it to mental illness is important. If we label the motivation ‘evil,’ we label it with no true understanding of what goes on inside the mind of the perpetrator and we (perhaps callously?) move on. Such labels are seductive because they provide us with a quick, easy explanation, rendering it unnecessary to get weighed down by the complexities. If we label the motivation ‘mental illness,’ we leave some room to try to understand the perpetrator. While such an understanding does not issue a pass or an excuse, it acknowledges the complexity that underlies human behavior. In particular, viewing this man’s hateful behavior through the lens of mental illness causes us to dig more deeply to consider just how powerfully a person can experience rejection – so powerfully, in fact, that it can cause one to induce disfiguring bodily harm to a former lover.

Picture this man as a young boy: Do you believe three-year-old boys, for example, can be evil? The sad truth is that children are often kind and innocent until something terrible happens to them, and they later develop defense mechanisms to protect their own fragile egos. Ultimately, understanding the psychological roots of heinous crimes is not about Katie Piper’s perpetrator, but about how much we as a society are willing to acknowledge just how wounded we can be and the lengths to which a lover scorned will sometimes go to redeem himself and to undo the injury his own ego suffered. The next time that you hear about a horrific crime, I offer this note: think twice before calling the criminal evil. After all, I know that my friend is not entirely unique in the primal, gut reaction he had to a truly horrific crime.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Divorce: Helpful Resources for Positive Coping


When it comes to divorce research, one researcher trumps all others: Dr. Judith Wallerstein. I'm hard-pressed to think of another psychologist who has written more extensively on the subject. A true pioneer, Dr. Wallerstein's research has catapulted her to the status of a guru in this arena.

In my undergraduate psychology research at Vassar College, I did a great deal of research on how men and women cope with divorce differently. I read some of Dr. Wallerstein's work and found it to be clear and informative, and to shed light on the truth behind many myths about divorce - particularly when it comes to how divorce affects children.

If you are going through a divorce, still recovering from one, or simply interested in how divorce affects those in its path - the divorcing couple, children, and so on - check out the books below by this esteemed author.

-Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce (with S. Blakeslee)(Ticknor & Fields, 1989)

-The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts (Houghton Mifflin, 1995)

-Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce (Houghton Mifflin, 1996)

Surviving The Breakup: How Children And Parents Cope With Divorce (Harper Collins, 1996)

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-Year Landmark Study (Hyperion, 2000)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Case for Charity: The Earthquake in Haiti


The past year or so hasn't exactly been the time of plentiful cash and economic abundance, but relief for the earthquake in Haiti beckons. Paradoxically, many people don't give money to charitable causes because of guilt: because you can't give a lot, you often don't end up giving anything.

When it comes to giving financial aid, no amount is too little. If you have $5 to spare, why not send it? Yes, the American Red Cross is an option, but so is Doctors Without Borders. In fact, there are countless organizations that could use whatever money you can afford to give.

It's true that times have been financially difficult for Americans, but when you see the devastation the earthquake in Haiti has caused, we see what "difficult" truly looks like.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW


Your Relationship
with Humanity


Yesterday’s earthquake that overwhelmed Haiti is horrifying for many reasons. Such staggering loss of life and infrastructure devastation is catastrophic beyond accurate description. Haiti, a country of about nine million people, lies in the Caribbean, about 700 miles from Miami, Florida. Haiti is one of the poorest nations in the western hemisphere. According to the CIA, approximately 80% of Haiti’s population lives in poverty.

Such disasters remind me of the connection Americans feel to people of other nationalities in times of need. Haiti has long been a country struggling with economic and political turmoil, but now its needs become even more acute as estimates of the death toll rise over 100,000. The American government frequently provides aid to countries after natural disasters. We are fortunate to live in a country with the means as well as the intention to help others in crisis. It is also important for us to remember our individual responsibilities to people in distress. Many times we want to help but do not know what steps to take. Check out a legitimate charity organization such as the American Red Cross to donate your time, blood, or money.

photograph: aerial view of Haiti from CIA's website

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Dr. Seth: New Official Website Coming Soon

I am happy to report that my official website, www.DrSethRelationshipExpert.com, is currently being redesigned and should be up and running within a month or so. I will post a link as soon as it is completed. My web designer is terrific and you will find some great new additions to my official site!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

When Someone You Love is Addicted to Meth


Having treated countless addicts over the years who have abused a number of illicit drugs, I have never seen such devastating effects as those from serious use of methamphetamine, or crystal meth, as it is often referred to.

Before we go further, let me give you a little 411 on meth. From the Office of National Drug Control Policy’s website:

“Methamphetamine is a highly addictive central nervous system stimulant that can be injected, snorted, smoked, or ingested orally. Methamphetamine users feel a short yet intense "rush" when the drug is initially administered. The immediate effects of methamphetamine include increased activity and decreased appetite. The drug has limited medical uses for the treatment of narcolepsy, attention deficit disorders, and obesity.”

One of the terrible symptoms that comes with meth use is the inability to sleep. In fact, it’s not uncommon for a meth user to use the substance and to use it non-stop for two to three days without sleeping. This drug has horrific effects on the user, but severely impacts the loved ones of the users, as well. For example, if you your loved one has been MIA for a couple of days, you’re going to feel like a nervous wreck as you wonder where they are and worry for their safety.

If someone you love is hooked on meth, you must initially offer support. Some quick research on the internet will show you there are hundreds of online resources there to help, and you can also direct your loved one to a local mental health center for treatment. Yet you must also look out for your own needs because this drug can destroy everyone in its path. Get a good book on addiction so that you understand it, and then pick up a copy of Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More. Resources such as this one can help keep you sane when loving an addict makes you feel like you’re hanging on by a thread.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Dr. Seth's New Book: To Be Released in Late 2010

I am happy to report that I spoke with my editor at the publishing house and found out that the tentative shipping date for my book on relationships is November of this year. The cover art is currently being designed by the art department and I will post it as soon as I receive it from the publisher!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Guest Blogger: Amanda Kane, LSW


Want to Get Fit? Watch TV!

Countless Americans resolve every New Year to lose weight and improve their fitness. Many of my past blogs mention the data linking exercise as a catalyst for improving emotional health as well as total well-being. Since it has many well-documented benefits, why are so few people regularly exercising?

After a long work day followed by commuting, wrangling kids, cooking dinner, etc, who has time for exercise? Nobody. But we still need to make it a priority. This is especially challenging during cold winter months when appealing activities are limited to curling up on the sofa with hot chocolate.

Almost two years ago I discovered the ExerciseTV channel and specifically Jillian Michaels workouts. I rave about these workouts to everyone because (if you use them regularly) they honestly do transform your body. Jillian Michaels is one of the trainers from the TV show The Biggest Loser. I have to admit that before Jillian’s workouts came into my life I was stuck in major exercise rut. I’ve been a regular runner for over ten years, but I was bored and needed variation in my regime.

Before I started working out with Jillian, exercise DVDs elicited memories of Jane Fonda from the 80’s complete with leg warmers. I just didn’t want to go back to that dark place. But Jillian Michaels’routines have drastically changed my opinion of working out. It is possible to get a rigorous, total body workout from the comfort of your family room. Jillian uses circuit training—multiple repetitions involving light weights, cardio, and your body’s resistance to obtain results. These kinds of workouts aren’t for everyone, but keep an open mind when it comes to exercise. You can find everything from yoga to dance moves on the tube and online. ExerciseTV is included in many cable packages and has numerous free online workouts. Anything that makes exercise less effort is worth a try.

(I am in no way affiliated with Jillian Michaels or ExerciseTV and have not been paid to promote their products!)

(Photo credit: kevindooley) from http://www.crankyfitness.com

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Dr. Seth & Amanda: New York Seminar in 2010


Currently I am developing a seminar with Guest Blogger Amanda Kane which will be presented in New York City later this year. This seminar will be open to the public and sign-up details will be posted soon!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Your 2010: Made to Order


Even if you were not one of the million hopefuls who recently cast their new year’s resolutions to the universe in the hope that these prayers, of sorts, would be answered, it’s not to late to ask yourself what you would like to come of 2010.

A new year is a new chance to rewrite your existing life script, and there are probably a few areas in your life that could use a tune-up. Today, take a few moments and think about what kinds of positive changes you would like to see in your own life in the new year.

1.Career.

If you have a job, think about what changes you would like to make in your career so that you feel happier and more fulfilled. Is it time to ask for a raise or perhaps to speak to your boss about adding a few different responsibilities to your existing position? If you don’t have a job, now is as good a time as any to ask yourself some serious questions about what kind of job would help pay the bills, as well as give you a sense of purpose and make you feel good at the end of a long working day.

2.Relationships.

If you are in a romantic relationship, think about how you could improve your relationship. Think about activities, for example: in the new year, what is one activity you would like to share more frequently with your partner? If you are single, focus on relationships that are platonic, rather than romantic. Focus on one or two friendships and think about ways you could develop a more meaningful bond with your friend. Perhaps there is one friend on the periphery who deserves a little more of your time and attention?

3.Mind and Body.

This last area is fairly broad, encompassing your physical body and emotional health. If you don’t have the body you want, think about activities you can engage to achieve that body. In terms of your emotional health, you can make important changes, too. If you’ve been feeling a little uninspired or bored in the past few months or even year, think about activities you could engage in that would help to wake up your spirit. Perhaps it’s time to start or join a book club, take a class at a community college, or begin volunteering with an interesting organization.


Whatever choices you make, I hope that your efforts reward you with a happy, vibrant year!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Quote of the Day

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
This quote is attributed to Sacha Guitry, a French film actor, director, screenwriter and playwright (1885-1957).

This quote represents a fascinating way to think about the issue of cheating and romantic betrayal, underscoring how two different people could respond to the same situation so differently. On the one hand, you could typify the internalizer, beating yourself up and questioning why you’re not good enough to keep your partner from straying. On the other hand, you could be more like the writer of this quote, gathering your own psychological resources to keep your self-esteem intact and holding your cheating partner accountable for his irresponsible behavior. Ultimately, which person would you rather be?