Read This Book: The Last Lecture

The marketplace is swarming today with well-intentioned books, those that are meant to inspire men and women and transform lives. Far too often, however, these books fall short, leaving readers feeling short-changed or duped by some silly New Age principle. A terrific exception: Carnegie Mellon Professor Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture.

How the book became a universal bestseller may seem understandable enough. At Carnegie Mellon University, professors have a tradition of delivering a lecture each year to the students as if they are dying and their lecture will be the last thing they leave to their students. Imagine the circumstances when said professor is actually truly dying of a serious illness and has been told he has three to six months to live at the time of the lecture's delivery. The story has all the makings of a good, quick segment profiled on the evening news.

Though the circumstances themselves are enough to generate media hype, they aren't enough to create a book that bears true wisdom and heart. The Last Lecture stands on its own in its wisdom, introducing readers to powerful lessons which readers can apply to their own lives. More than anything, the book advocates living life consciously, taking frequent inventory of what matters most. Pick this book up today and you will be wiser for having read it.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Pre-order today at Amazon.com or find it in bookstores December 18!

Passive-Aggressiveness: The Relationship Cancer

You probably don’t have to think long or hard to recall an experience in which someone said or did something passive-aggressive with you. In the couples therapy that I do in my practice, I have found that this communication tactic is one of the most risky to use in a romantic relationship. Why? I find that the one on the receiving end of the passive-aggressiveness – man or woman - often leaves the relationship if the problem persists.

What you really want in a relationship is someone to love you, trust you, and to be honest with you. When your partner is angry with you, you want to know he or she is angry, and you want to know why. You may not like what you hear, but I'm sure you would rather that your partner tell you directly than act out or shut you out in any number of ways.

When couples don’t handle conflicts in the moment in a healthy manner, the original problem snowballs and each member of the couple reverts even further to his or her own corner. What happens next? They stop talking to each other and avoid each other altogether.

If you are guilty of the occasional passive-aggressive tactic, you must give up this tactic completely. If you are in a relationship with someone who is guilty of this behavior, you must confront the situation head-on. Ask your partner to sit down with you and explain what’s bothering him or her, explain how the passive-aggressive behavior makes you feel, and ask that your partner not do it again. Give your partner some time to change the problem behavior, but if the behavior doesn’t change in the long run, it might be time to make a big decision.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoy your Turkey Day, ladies and gentlemen. Be safe, have fun, and enjoy the company you keep today!

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Pre-order today at Amazon.com or find it in bookstores December 18!

Single People: Learn to LIKE Dating

Too often I have clients in my practice who mourn the fact that dating can be such an awful experience. Without doubt, dating can cast you adrift in a sea of insecurities and make each and every one of us want to pull our hair out all at once.

It’s understandable enough – dating can be awkward and feel like a part-time job if you’re serious about finding a partner. Yet disliking dating too much can create a dangerous effect. If you hate dating and simply aren’t any good at seeing a couple of people at the same time, then you may be more likely to settle down with someone who is not a great match for you.

I encourage everyone single to practice dating. I always explain that dating is a numbers game – you may need to meet many people before finding a connection with a true click. Even though dating a couple of people at the same time brings up its own difficulties, it is important for you to know how to date. You must take things slowly with your dates and be honest about your intentions. In the end, this caution will act as an important insurance policy, insuring that you don’t jump in too quickly with the wrong person.

Again, if your relationships haven’t been working out, try it: stop falling in love and start dating. It might not feel fun to you now, but the more you practice dating, the easier and more comfortable it will be.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Pre-order today at Amazon.com or find it in bookstores December 18!

Alone Time Is Good for a Relationship

This may sound counterintuitive, but the truth is that alone time is good for romantic relationships. Far too often, if one's boyfriend or girlfriend, or husband or wife says that they need a little alone time, the other partner ends up taking it personally. This can often lead to questioning the relationship, self-doubt, and a host of other masochistic thoughts and feelings. The reality is that sometimes alone time...is just alone time - it doesn't have to mean anything more than that.

Each partner in a relationship engaging in some activities alone, including have friends or activities independent of each other, is a way to make sure that you're not losing yourself in the relationship. By spending some time alone and doing the things that you want to do, you feed your own passions and interests, and you will often feel more excited to reconnect with your partner at the end of the day.

Everyone needs to understand that taking a little alone time shouldn't be taken personally or used as a barometer to tell how happy the person taking alone time is in the relationship. At the end of the day, taking some alone time is a great way for a person to recharge his or batteries. If you are in a relationship, make sure that you and your partner are spending some time alone, so that you remain a happy, independent half of the couple. Two independent people in a relationship equal dependence on each other that is healthy but not stifling.

PLUS: Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Pre-order today at Amazon.com or find it in bookstores December 18!

How to Say "Sorry" And Mean It!

In any type of relationship, there comes the occasional need to apologize for something you’ve said or done.

Some people have great difficulty saying “I’m sorry.” For these individuals, having to apologize is a symbol of losing and surrendering. Of course, that is what a healthy relationship is all about – being able to be vulnerable. Nevertheless, people who need to learn how to say “sorry” are aware that this is one of their problems – they have likely been told this by people close to them over a period of many years.

While some men and women have a problem in not apologizing when they should, others have a problem with the way they apologize. These people say “sorry” and don’t really mean it or haven’t really taken inventory of why the other person is upset. At times, someone will apologize to you and say “sorry” as quickly and flippantly as if they were ordering a soda at restaurant – “Yeah, I’ll have diet.”

The next time someone is upset by something you’ve said or done, make an effort to apologize. At the same time, make an effort to say it meaningfully. Rather than utter the word “sorry” as if it is simply a sterile vocabulary word, go a step further and say why you’re sorry. Sometimes taking this extra step can make all the difference in the world.

P.S. Dr. Seth's new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription, is about repeating bad patterns in your relationships. Pre-order today at Amazon.com or find it in bookstores December 18!

How to Talk to Your Kids About Drugs & Alcohol

It’s a harsh reality in today’s world that teenagers are turning to drugs and alcohol in record numbers. It has become commonplace for kids to have some friends over and celebrate with six-packs when their parents go away for the night. Even more disturbing is the fact that teenagers are using drugs – marijuana, cocaine, and others – and that this has become socially acceptable or expected in some young social circles.

I remember my younger brother telling me when he was in high school that some kids on his soccer team were using cocaine. This is hard to imagine given how young and impressionable kids are – they have their whole lives ahead of them!

It is critical that you have open conversations with your children about drugs and alcohol. The $64,000 question: How do you do this? In a nutshell, you do it gently and honestly, without resorting to threats or ultimatums. Never tell your children “If I ever catch you using drugs or alcohol, so help you God!” You want to convey your message with seriousness but you shouldn’t say something that will turn you into the monster.

Sit your kids down and ask them if they know kids who use drugs or alcohol. Don’t begin with an interrogation of their own behavior – “So do you use them?” You must approach this topic gently. Ask them how common this stuff is at parties in high school and ask them why they think drugs and alcohol are so popular. Give them a chance to talk and simply listen in a nonjudgmental manner. Remember that this is a two-way conversation - not a trip to court.

Tell your children why you worry about kids, in general, using drugs or alcohol. Tell them that they have the rest of their lives ahead of them and that sometimes kids make bad decisions when they are intoxicated. You don’t need to overplay the illegal card – your kids know what is illegal. Here is the most important part: Tell your children that you want them to come to you if they ever find themselves in a situation where there are drugs or alcohol around, or where they have gotten into trouble themselves. Tell them you would rather they call you and get you out of bed at night than call someone else.

Explain to your children that life is hard and that growing up involves all kinds of decisions that are not always easy to make. Peer pressure is a challenge for kids, so talk to them about whether they have felt peer pressure before. In the end, talking to your children about drugs and alcohol allows for an opportunity to remind your children that you are on the same team and that you want the absolute best for them.

P.S. Pre-Order Dr. Seth's new book Dr. Seth's Love Prescription at Amazon.com today!

How to Divorce Happily & Successfully: Plan for Life After Divorce

One of the saddest realities of relationships is that they often end. The theory goes that relationships end because the love ends - one or both members of the couple fall out of love. The reasons why they 'fall out of love' vary. While some people’s careers or professional obligations may draw them away from their relationship, others experience betrayal they can’t forget or move past. Some lovers simply change and grow apart, and realize they were not meant to be together.

Most of you have probably had the experience of witnessing the forced encounter of two people who were once married in the past but who seem to have almost no connection with each other. I always wonder ‘are you sure you were ever married?’ A lot of good songwriters have captured the melancholia that comes with love. I’m thinking of Carly Simon who sang the song “Coming Around Again” in which she sings “so good on paper, so romantic, but so bewildering.”

Without a doubt, what is bewildering in love is the anger two people can feel for each other while feeling so much love at the very same time, and the subsequent shut-off of the emotional valve when the love’s gone. What happens to the love? Does it simply die?

It is my belief that people’s love doesn’t actually go away. It seems more likely that the love remains but is repressed to defend against strong, unpleasant feelings underneath. When you see two people who treat each other as strangers but who were once married, you are not seeing the love. However, the love is there but repressed. You see the manifestation of the anger, sadness, or denial, but it covers strong feelings underneath. You can’t simply love someone day after day and ever truly stop loving that person. You surrender to denial if you can’t accept that there is a part of you that still loves and misses that person - even if it's just the tiniest part. Music comes to mind again as I think of Whitney Houston singing "and if somebody loves you, won't they always love you?" The answer, in a word, is yes - though some will go to the grave denying it.

It is rare, it seems, that couples are able to hold onto a friendship and remain close while still moving on after the divorce. I am always impressed when I see couples who manage to stay friends – it takes strength in character and worldliness that can rise above hurt and pettiness. While we can’t do much to change the state of affairs in other couples, you can reflect on your own relationship. If you are single, reflect on what you hope for in your next relationship. If you’re looking for a partner who is also your best friend, think in advance about what you can do now to make sure that you never have to see an ex and treat him or her like a stranger.

Quote of the Day

Assumptions are the termites of relationships. ~Henry Winkler

Wow, what a brilliant quote. I see this all the time in my work with couples. Ask yourself if you are guilty of rushing to judgment in your relationships - romantic and otherwise. If you occasionally fall into this trap, think of this quote and remember to give your partner, friend, or whomever it may be the benefit of the doubt.

Los Angeles Relationship Seminar for Singles

Learn more about Dr. Seth's L.A. Seminar, "Attracting True Love" at his official website, www.DrSethRelationshipExpert.com!

Couples: Is Flirting with Others Okay?

When you’re in a relationship, a little flirting is arguably healthy and normal. Those who say one should never flirt with someone else most likely unconsciously flirt (at least a little) when their partner is not present. We’re only human and our sexuality lives on, regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.

What do you do, however, when you witness your partner flirting with someone else and you feel like it goes a step too far? What if it lasts a little too long or gets a little touchy for your liking?

What you do is address it. You check the behavior in the moment so that you clearly communicate that you don’t want the behavior to happen again. Rather than grab your partner’s arm and jerk him or her out of the conversation with the other guilty party, take a break and sit the conversation out for a few minutes. When you can be sure that you’ve regained composure and won’t cause more drama, ask your partner to talk with you alone for a minute.

When you address it, don’t make huge generalizations or call your partner names. Simply express what you observed and tell your partner how it made you feel. It always helps to add something like “maybe I’m just being extra-sensitive, but…” This technique is helpful because it makes your partner feel less attacked.

Finally, simply ask your partner that he or she not do it again. Don’t hold a grudge or let resentment settle in unless this behavior has become a pattern. Accept that we’re all human, that we all make mistakes, and that intimacy often increases in relationships when you work your way through problems together.

Independent Couples vs. Codependent Couples

Couples have all different kinds of relationship dynamics, and you can often see them on the surface when you socialize with them. One thing that has always struck me is watching how couples vary in terms of how much they socialize together and how much they socialize apart.

You probably know some couples where you almost never see one without the other in social contexts, while you can probably think of another couple where the opposite is true. Is there a 'right' level of independence couples should have? How much is too much time to spend together? What is an unhealthy level of independence in a couple?

Usually, any therapist will tell you there is no 'right' way to be about anything. In this case, I disagree somewhat. I think there is a bit of a right answer. While I acknowledge that there is a spectrum, I also acknowledge that people lose themselves (their interests, ambitions, and uniqueness) when they spend all their time with one person. You can't fuse with another and expect to remain a separate entity. You need to have some level of independence within a couple to be healthy. This does not include going to work! Yes, that is time apart, but not time by choice. Couples who eat together, sleep together, go to church together, do everything socially together, blah, blah, blah, make me nervous.

In my clinical work, I have found that couples who do everything together secretly feel claustrophobic in the relationship and wish they had a little more breathing room. The claustrophobic feelings later morph into other problems and the relationship starts going south. If you are in a relationship, why not use this opportunity to have a discussion with your partner and ask him or her about their thoughts on this issue? Sometimes opening up the discussion can help people feel more free to elaborate when the discussion topic gets a little uncomfortable.