Who Needs Psychotherapy?

One of the questions that I get asked the most is whether everyone should get therapy or whether it’s only necessary for people who have mental illness or serious issues. The simple answer is that everyone – no matter how perfect you are or your life has been – can benefit from individual therapy.

Though I am a proponent of therapy, I am just as quick to tell people that therapy is not the only healer or vehicle to significant change. Many people have a significant religious figure in their lives, whether it is a priest, rabbi, or someone else. Others have a teacher or professor, or another professional in their lives they can lean on when things get difficult.

The important point is that it is important to speak to someone objective about the issue that you’re struggling with. Therapists, religious figures, and others are more likely to be objective than family or friends, and it is this objectivity that will help give you the perspective you need to see your problem clearly and to know how to go about dealing with it.

I believe in the power of therapy above all other possible relationships because therapy allows for a lengthy session, a consistent time to have it, and little to no interruptions in the therapeutic setting. This focus is incredibly important for the client. Yet if you’re uncomfortable with the idea of therapy, consider talking to a professional at your church or someone in another arena in your life. If you decide to do the latter, it is critical that you can trust that the information you’re sharing will be kept confidential so that you can develop true trust with your confidant.

Regardless of whether you choose to talk to a therapist or another type of professional, this relationship can help bring significant positive change to your life!

Regularly Canceling Plans: Good Friends Don't Do This

I know that a friend who regularly cancels plans is something that upsets most people. What I find, however, is that how people deal with the problem varies significantly. Recently, someone told me about a friend who had canceled plans twice in a row. He said that he was put off by the behavior and had decided to cut him off and let him go. In essence, he was ready to end the friendship.

As a former Program Director at a clinic, I occasionally had to deal with performance issues that came up with employees. When employees don't perform as you'd like, you don't simply fire them. What do you do? You come up with a plan as to how they can improve their performance. You tell them what needs to change, and you give them a specific time period to change it.

If you're friends with someone, don't you owe them that courtesy, as well? Simply firing your friend is a reflection of your accumulated frustration and your belief that you deserve more respect - all valid. I also believe that firing your friends prematurely reflects your wish to avoid having to talk the problem out. It's easier to fire someone than it is to confront them and work on improving your relationship together.

One of the most consistent issues I see in my clinical work is discomfort people have with confronting people who upset or hurt them. I don't mean attacking or yelling, but confronting situations in a way that still bears respect for the person you're confronting.

When you have a friend who cancels, do the uncomfortable thing - tell your friend how you feel as a result of the constant cancellations. Ask your friend why he or she does it, and ask your friend to stop doing this to you. Give it a certain amount of time (a couple weeks or a month or two). If it keeps happening, give your friend one last chance and explain in a gentle way that you won't be able to maintain the friendship if it keeps happening. Again, set a time line during which you will evaluate whether he or she has made an effort to change. By following these simple steps, you will develop an important social skills that will help you in many areas of your life.

Quick Tip: Fighting in Relationships is GOOD!

Too often, men and women in relationships make the mistake of believing that never fighting is a good thing - the ultimate symbol of a great relationship. Wake-up call: not fighting in a relationship is actually bad news.

First of all, let me clarify that I use fighting in this context interchangeably with arguing. True fighting - hitting, abuse of any kind, and so on - should be strictly prohibited in your or any other relationship. But a little arguing once in a while is normal as two individuals with different personalities try to navigate their way through a wide range of situations that may test each other's nerves.

Here's the rule: Don't fight too much, and don't fight too little. And when you fight, make sure that you fight fair. This means no name-calling and no use of absolutist terms (e.g., "you NEVER..., you ALWAYS...").

In the end, you should learn how to be able to express your frustration and anger toward your partner, while simultaneously rememebering that you still love them. In order to hold onto both at the same time, remember to edit yourself when you're expressing your frustration so that you can be sure that you are still showing your overall love and respect for your partner.

Dating: The NEW Informational Interview

Hands down, the most effective way to conceptualize dating is to view it as informational interviewing. Don’t confuse this with testing your date - resorting to psychological manipulations to figure out who he or she really is. However, an informational interview is innocent enough – you need to find out certain things about a person and you accomplish this by asking honest questions.

The important point about dating as informational interviewing is that it keeps the focus on you – what are you looking for in a partner? Is this the right person for you? Is this going to be a good match in the long run?

Too often dating triggers insecurities, causing men and women to fall into the position of wanting to be wanted or liked. The reality: who cares? If so-and-so isn’t into you, why does it matter? It’s only going to work out if the two of you both like each other, so…next!

Dating as informational interviewing acknowledges that you can’t presume anything about a person – you need to get to know a person to figure out who he or she is. Dating in this manner allows you to ask questions that are important to you, but you must take careful notice of the answers. Feel a red flag lurking in the distance? Don’t overlook it just because you’re sexually attracted!

The second point is that dating as informational interviewing is necessary but not sufficient for you to get a true sense of the person you’re dating. The other half of the equation comes down to their behavior –does their walk match their talk? If he says he’s organized and sensitive, does he arrive on time and listen to you talk about your day? If she says she’s ambitious, that’s great – but is she actively working toward some sort of career goal?

Finally, relax and allow your date to interview you, too. When you answer, tell the truth about your life and who you are. Though you may fudge a little bit in the truth department in week one or two, your date is going to start to see the real you sooner or later. And that’s a good thing, right?

Dr. Seth's ATTRACTING TRUE LOVE Seminar in Los Angeles

Dr. Seth is excited to remind you that he can sign up for his next seminar which will be held February 5, 2011 in Los Angeles.

This workshop will be a fun, interactive seminar in which we discuss common pitfalls in dating, ways to avoid repeating negative patterns, and tools to seek out positive partners with whom you’re truly compatible.

For details, check out Dr. Seth's official website: www.DrSethRelationshipExpert.com!

Couples, Keep Your Parents Out of It!

When things go wrong, it's a normal tendency to want to run to Mom or Dad to help you cope with a problem - no matter how old you are. Even as adults, we sometimes feel the need to cry on their shoulders. However, when it comes to marital conflicts, it's important to keep your parents out of it.

Sharing too much with your parents about a conflict between you and your partner can cause your parents to take sides and to develop negative feelings toward your parents. The real danger? Your parents will never forget, even long after you've forgiven your partner.

As a rule, try to keep your parents out of your conflicts when it comes to situations that expose any real vulnerabilities of your partner or anything that has to do with sex. Some things should simply remain private. Just like you (hopefully) don't take your parents to bed with you, don't bring them into your major relationship conflicts, either.

Parents and Teachers: Stop Kids From Bullying

Kudos to Larry King for hosting an hour-long show today on the topic of bullying gay children. In fact, due to the suicides of at least five teenage boys who were pushed too far by constant bullying, a host of media figures and celebrities are now speaking out against this travesty.

The real challenge is for parents, teachers, and school adminsitrators to step up and make sure that all youth - gay or otherwise - are protected. The more attention this subject gets in the media, and the more each of gets involved to speak out and stop the bullying, the better we can protect all children so that they can grow up to live the full lives they were meant to live.

Please take a moment and read this article about how public figures are working to stop the bullying that is running rampant all across the country: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/04/make-it-better-celebritie_n_750197.html.

Quote of the Day

"Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade." ~Leo Buscaglia

Recently, I found this quote and realized that it is perfect to share with my readers. Rarely do I come across a quote that is true as this one.

In my practice, I find that one of the most consistent problems that brings couples to therapy is one or both partners feeling stifled. Too often, jealousy or other fears get in the way, and one partner causes the other to shave off a part of himself or herself in order to keep the peace and make it work. Of course, resentments then sneak in and the relationship begins to deteriorate.

Read this quote one more time and remember to apply its wisdom in your current or future relationship.