Dr. Seth Goes on Vacation

In a few moments, I leave for a much-needed vacation on Cape Cod. But before I go, I will post a quick but good article. Enjoy!

What Makes Good Sex Good?

Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions. - Deepak Chopra

I must confess that I know little about Deepak Chopra, though I found this quote that I came across to be quite true. Let’s hope that someone who has become as successful as Deepak is has at least some wisdom, right?

If you think about some of the “good sex” that you’ve had, you were probably feeling extremely emotional at the time. For some people, good sex involves feeling deeply in love, while for others, it involves feeling wild, naughty, or even connecting with darker emotions surrounding dominance or submission fantasies. Regardless of which end of that spectrum your good sex would fall on, Deepak is right that all of these emotions signify emotional freedom. In other words, there is no one fixed way to have sex, so the consenting partners have a blank slate onto which they can create whatever they want. After a long week at work, the last thing anyone needs is one more experience in which they feel bored or unstimulated.

What Deepak says about bad sex is quite true, as well. If you think about some of the “bad sex” you’ve had, it’s probably because you were feeling emotionally disconnected, bored, or preoccupied. In other words, having an unsatisfying sexual experience suggests that you even though you were having sex, it’s not something that you truly wanted to do – it’s more like going through the motions.

In my practice with clients, I always encourage them to take their emotional temperature at the start of a sexual interaction. If you feel a little off that day and don’t really want to connect in that way with your partner, your date, whomever –make the conscious choice to not have sex.

Why Is Entertaining At Home Important?

Years ago, I lived in New York City while I was doing my doctoral training. Like most young New Yorkers, I lived in various places all over the New York metro area. For whatever reason, it’s a common practice for young New Yorkers to move to a new place every year or two – take a poll and you’ll find this to be true.

Most of the places I lived were small and not fit for entertaining friends. When I moved to California years later, I found that having a house brought with it the opportunity to regularly entertain friends in my home. For those of you who have your own apartments or homes, how often do you entertain friends?

Meeting up with others in restaurants, bars, or other venues is great – nothing wrong with that. However, entertaining in your home ramps up the intimacy in your relationships. Your friends get to see you in your home environment and people can feel at greater ease to kick back and relax. How often, for example, are you are at a restaurant and take off your shoes to get a little more comfortable?

Entertaining at home also gives you the opportunity to broaden the ways you spend time – pull out a board game, watch a funny movie, or play with your pet together if you have one. If you haven’t had people over in a while, don’t get caught in the Martha Stewart complex of needing everything to be…just right. Ridiculous! There are no rules when it comes to entertaining. Invite some friends over in the near future and you will likely find that you want to extend another invitation again soon.

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P.S. You can pre-order my new book, Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Reptition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve, at Amazon.com or other retailers today!

Road Rage: When That Nutcase Is You!

Recently, I realized just how human I am: Out in my car, encapsulated in the comfort of A/C and the sound of music I’d chosen, I nearly succumbed to full-blown, certifiable road rage.

Provided that you own a car and actually use it, you’ve witnessed the sort of nutcases to which I refer, those who get sucked into extremely aggressive behavior as they navigate their way from Point A to Point B. Typically, we probably laugh at such silliness dismissively, identifying our supposed strength and wisdom that allows us to rise above such nonsense. Nevertheless, you know what I’m talking about: extensions of the middle finger, rolling down the window to hurl verbal diarrhea, and cutting another at all costs.

Sadly, the other day, I realized that said nutcase could be me. Looking for a spot in a crowded parking lot (because what other kinds of parking lots are there in Los Angeles ?), I found a seemingly innocent car waiting to take a spot from an exiting driver. Good citizen that I aspire to be, I tried to pull my car around the detour in order to let the waiting car take the spot. Well, from that point, enough said: all hell broke loose. Misunderstanding my actions as an attempt to…steal…his…spot, the waiting driver jerked his car to nearly hit mine, rolled down his window, and began shouting obscenities in my direction.

Yes, exactly, your thoughts mirror mine: I had no intention of taking his spot.Ultimately, it was just one big (or super-small) misunderstanding, right? Unfortunately, adrenaline must have gotten the best of me because I stopped my car and rolled down the window, not quite sure what I would do but certain that I would do something. After all, my dignity was all of a sudden up for grabs!

Given that I knew too well that this involved a misunderstanding, why did I feel so upset? How could I feel so triggered by something so trivial and childish? My hope is that, as a therapist, I could take my own advice, learn how to chill out, and opt to use my cerebral cortex over the more primitive parts of my frontal lobe as I make moment-to-moment decisions. The point: We all have a tiny bit of crazy inside us that typically lies dormant but can be awakened like a sleeping bear if the circumstances are just right (or wrong).

Fortunately, I had a rationally-minded friend with me – one who appeared to be rather trigger-free that day - who urged “Don’t say anything.” This quick intervention changed everything as I’d practically rolled up my sleeves in preparation for an old-school match of fisticuffs.

A moment of clarity later, I was able to take a deep breath and pull it together. And though five minutes later I had forgotten the episode altogether, the event itself reminded me of something important: We all need to watch ourselves closely when we have reactions that trigger the impulse for a true verbal lashing or a knock-down, drag-out fight. The next time you get triggered – because it happens to each and every one of us – use it as a reminder that it’s time to decompress. Plan a trip to the gym, a bike ride, or a hike with your pets or kids, because your trigger-happy moment is telling you that you need a serious dose of perspective.

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P.S. Don't forget to pre-order Dr. Seth's new book at: www.amazon.com/Dr-Seths-Love-Prescription-Relationship/dp/1440503699/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279846909&sr=8-1

Adults, Watch Your Temper!

Believe it or not, some adults are stuck in childhood to the degree that they occasionally have what I call an adult temper tantrum. People typically say an adult with this problem has a "bad temper" but the truth is that they have temper tantrums just like little kids do. In society, it seems to be more prevalent and accepted that men have bad tempers. Ever wonder what all the women do when society says it's not okay for them to turn over a table or scream all over the house? In a nutshell, women are more likely to internalize their feelings.

Recently a client of mine told me about what happens in her house when her husband loses his temper. In short, everyone gets scared and walks around on eggshells until her husband gets his mood under control. My client loves her husband but is afraid this trait will never change. I explain consistently with my clients that people can't necessarily change their personality, but they can certainly change their behaviors.

Let me be clear when I say this: If someone in your house is guilty of adult temper tantrums, you must say "No more." You must create a No Tantrum policy to protect the peace of your house and environment. Everyone must learn how to manage their feelings, and there are countless outlets that are good for frustration when someone feels overwhelmed.

The most important thing to do if someone in your life has tantrums that affect you is to sit the person down and seriously describe how the tantrums affect you. Explain that you are willing to work together with that person to help him or her find better ways to cope when he or she feels overwhelmed. Do not forget that adult tantrums must be unacceptable and understand that you must take a proactive approach to this problem if you ever want things to truly change.

Dr. Seth Is Really Embarrassed...

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not among the world's most tech-savvy, but I must admit that I realized today the depths of my technology ignorance in navigating my way wround my account settings for this blog.

I've been writing this blog for years, and only today did I realize how to add a "Search" function to my blog that will allow you, the readers, to type in a relationship topic and then find all of the related posts on that issue.

Please explore the blog by using the "Search" box above if you are curious about a particular relationship subject. I hope that you find it useful!

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

WANNA GET LUCKY?


“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”~Seneca

I just love a good quote. I guess it comes from my love of language and literature and words in general. I majored in English Literature at Vassar College and worked for nine years in the publishing industry before pursuing a career in mental health.

This particular quote resonates for me because it upends the concept of “luck.” Seneca emphasizes that luck, which is often synonymous with success, is not some sort of gift that is passively bestowed on us from the gods. (Unless you consider lottery winners!) In fact, very rarely do people succeed in life without investing tremendous energy and effort in their goals.

Those who seem "lucky" or successful usually work hard and focus on their objectives. It can be difficult to maintain the self-confidence and dedication that it takes you truly obtain what you want in life. Failure propels them forward rather than backward.

Sometimes it's easy to be consumed by the one-eyed monster of jealousy and imagine that those who are successful have a life blessed by fortune. But ultimately this kind of thinking is a disservice. It minimizes and undermines the tough work needed to reach your dreams. It is true that some people certainly do have it easier than others, but it is also true that you can’t always judge a book by its cover.

Dr. Seth: Radio Interview

Tomorrow morning I will be interviewed on KMJ 580 AM Radio in Fresno, and will be speaking about the last subject that I blogged about: having feelings for someone other than your partner.

If you're in the Fresno area, be sure to tune in!

Relationship Dilemma: Is It Okay to Fantasize About Someone Else?

A long time ago, I remember being out with a female friend who told me she occasionally fantasized about other men when having sex with her boyfriend. At the time, I wondered how common this is among couples. I also wondered how many people do this but don't admit it to others, as my friend had.

There are two issues here. First, is it okay to sexually fantasize about others? Second, is it okay to sexually fantasize about others while you are having sex with your partner?

Let's take the first issue on its own. When I see couples in couples therapy, the couple often deals with jealousy issues. I explain to each member of the couple that no one person is going to meet every need the other has, sexual or otherwise. I encourage the couples to learn to allow each to remain an individual inside the relationship, and accepting that your partner may fantasize about others can be very healthy. You give your partner a certain freedom in doing so. You don't put pressure on your partner to only be attracted to you.

The second issue, I think, is more complicated. Certainly no man or woman wants to be in the middle of an intimate moment and wonder whether their partner is actually picturing someone else in the moment. After a couple has been together many years, it's natural for each member to have a fantasy about being with someone else. However, it's not natural to have this fantasy while you are in the act with your partner on a regular basis.

Once in a blue moon, if you find yourself in the middle of an intimate act fantasizing about another, you should not be horrified or feel guilty. If you find yourself fantasizing about someone else on a regular basis, your fantasy has become a coping mechanism to handle feelings about your relationship. You could be bored or angry at your partner, and your fantasy becomes your defense against incorporating intimacy with your partner. Do not give yourself a green light to regularly fantasize about another. Giving yourself this regular pass would allow you to take the easy way out when you really have some work to do to figure out what's wrong in your relationship.

Many times when you confront the feelings underneath your actions, you will come to see more clearly what you are doing and why you are doing it. I believe a successful relationship requires each member of a couple to regularly take inventory of their thoughts and feelings, sexual and otherwise, in the effort to be a solid and healthy 50% of a union.

Quick Tip: A Relationship Will Never Complete You

Over-depending on a relationship to make you happy is the same as prematurely planning your own funeral - it's not a good idea.

Take a quick inventory of other areas of your life and ask yourself if you feel fulfilled in those areas, independent of your romantic relationship: social life with friends, career, extracurricular activities or hobbies, and charity. Why the last one? The best way to help yourself is to help somebody else.

Ultimately, if you're focusing too much on your relationship, the odds are that you are simultaneously neglecting another area of your life.

Quick Tip: How to Improve Communication

To work on improving communication in your relationship, do your best to make it fun - nobody needs more tedious work than they already have. Find a silly couples quiz in a popular magazine, and take it together as you watch television or eat dinner. The point is to find vehicles to get the two of you talking.

When you hit a patch where you feel like the two of you aren't communicating or connecting, suggest that you make a special dinner over the weekend, light some candles, and set the mood overall for the two of you to feel connected, warm, and comfortable.

Whatever you do, don't force the communication - it will flow organically if you make your priority to make each other feel tended to and comfortable.

Emmy Nominations: Congratulations to Television’s Best Marriage

Okay, you might be wondering why a blog that focuses on relationships is focusing today on the Emmy nominations. Simply put, I want to call attention to two actors who received nominations for their brilliant portrayal of a married couple on the NBC drama “Friday Night Lights.” Actor Kyle Chandler (who plays Coach Taylor) and actress Connie Britton (who plays Tammy, the school principal and one-half of their marriage) are two of the best actors I’ve seen on television.

This is a show, as the networks like to say, for the whole family to watch. It appeals to kids and adults alike, men and women, and so on. But what makes the show most unique is the marriage between Coach Taylor and Tammy. Their love – and, at times, frustration – is so real you can practically reach out to the television screen and touch it.

What I find particularly unexpected in watching the show is the fact that this couple actually teaches me lessons about respect, patience, and emotional intimacy. As a clinician who specializes in relationship issues, I am always hungry to gain more insight into the complex dynamics inherent in loving another person.

If you already watch this show, you know exactly what I mean when I say that this show is special. If you don’t, go back to Season 1 and watch this beautiful series from the beginning. I promise that you will grow to love these characters – particularly the coach and the principal – as if they were close friends you’ve known your entire life.

First Look: Dr. Seth's Love Prescription

I am thrilled to show you the cover for my book that comes out in December, Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription. The book is already available for pre-sale at online retailers, and is scheduled to ship to bookstores on December 18th.

This has been a long, long road so I am very happy that we are finally coming upon the publishing date this winter!