Please, Stop Trying to Change Your Partners!

Hands down, one of the most common problems I see in my practice as a psychologist and therapist is the tendency for women and men to try to change their partners. This behavior is especially effective at corroding a good relationship and turning it into a hostile territory of hurts and resentments.

Typically, when you strive to change your partner, you're painfully unaware of what you're doing. For example, I can see a client and ask "Are you sure you're not trying to change him?" Without fail, the response is usually a flat and fairly certain "No, I'm not trying to change him at all." And while, in this instance, I'm using particular pronouns that indicate a given gender, the reality is that both men and women fall into the trying-to-change-him-or-her trap in their relationships.

I will make my pronouncement simply: Trying to change your partner will never work. It's a losing game, one that will bring you frustration and anger. In addition, your partner will sense that you don't fully accept him or her and will begin detaching or, conversely, become more combative with you.

Ask yourself this basic question: Do I truly accept him or her? The truth is that, if you are trying to change something about your partner, you don't truly accept him or her. One good way to check in with your partner on this issue is to ask directly: "Do you ever feel like I try to change you?" Asking this question when things are good is a much better time to discuss this, as opposed to when you're already in the middle of a rocky, poor communication patch.

Finally, it's important to distinguish between trying to change your partner and trying to change the partnership - meaning the relationship and the interpersonal dynamics that come with it. Trying to change your partner is a bad thing, but working on ways to change your relationship is a good thing. To give you an example, focus your energies on changing the dynamics with your partner. It's okay to tell her that you wish she would spend more time with you on Saturday, but it's not okay to tell her that you wish she were more of a homebody. See the difference?

Ultimately, you must separate those traits that are central to who your partner is and those behaviors which tend to be more changeable. Accept the things your partner cannot change, or consider leaving the relationship if you can't bear those things. In the end, a long-term relationship requires flexibility and compromise. Put simply, you choose your battles wisely.

EXTRA: Check out Dr. Seth's essay in the new book Creating A Marriage You'll Love, and visit his official website at www.DrSethRelationshipExpert.com!

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

What is Sex?

How do you define it? If you ask ten people to define sex, you’ll assuredly get ten different answers. Some may answer that sex is the act of intercourse, no more and no less. Others may consider other sexual behaviors tied to arousal. Still others may include the feelings and emotions that are sometimes associated with sex.

Sexual education is a concept that we frequently connect with adolescence—and awkward health class presentations. But sexual education doesn’t end once we earn that high-school diploma. As adults it is important to reflect on our life path and how it affects our sexuality. Our sexuality encompasses our sexual identity and past sexual experiences as well as our values. Sexuality is complex, individual, and rich with information. Understanding your sexuality is vital to experiencing a healthy sex life.

In therapy, all too frequently, clients explore many facets of their life stories—except for sexuality. Understandably, sex isn’t always an easy subject to discuss, especially when it gets personal. However, I believe that it is especially significant for women to be aware of the interplay between sexuality and other aspects of self. Historically female sexuality has been minimized, misunderstood, and marginalized. Freud once said, “The sexual life of adult women is a ‘dark continent’ for psychology.” More importantly, for many adult women their personal sexuality is mysterious territory, and this prevents them from fully knowing themselves.

Check out a wonderful new book, the anthology Creating A Marriage You'll Love, which will be released in Apirl. I contributed an essay for the anthology, as did my Guest Blogger Amanda Kane. You can pre-order the book by using the link below.

http://www.amazon.com/Creating-Marriage-Youll-Love-Building/dp/1416205594/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266434882&sr=8-1

On My Bookshelf: Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb

I recently received a copy of the new book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, and have been blown away by the important messages this book bears.

In a nutshell, the book includes a wealth of research on coupling, including guidance from psychologists, clergy, and behavioral economists, among others. In essence, the book underscores how too many women get lost in the details as they search for a male partner and become too consumed with checking all of the boxes on their perfect-partner-checklist.

I love the message of Marry Him because I find that too many clients I see are working from a similar checklist, and clients and readers alike must learn to relax in love and let themselves find a partnership that is good enough – but not perfect. The book reminds us that there is a difference between settling (for less than) and settling down (because you’ve found a relationship that meets your primary emotional needs). The takeaway: settling down with someone good enough is a good thing.

Pick up a copy today at your local bookstore or online retailer, and I am confident that you will find it intriguing and insightful!

Discovery Health often has some wonderful articles, and I am including the link for one of them below. The article is titled "Top 10 Marriage Myths." As someone who spent a long time researching marriage and the factors that lead to happy ones, I can tell you that the article is spot-on in its insights.

Check it out below!

http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/marriage_myths.html

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Tonight at 6pm EST Amanda Kane will be interviewed on Cathy Holloway Hill’s blogtalk.com radio show, Living by Design. The discussion will focus on the repercussions of mental health problems on romantic relationships. Tune-in to the show to learn how to manage these challenging situations and create a relationship that fulfills your needs.

Oprah & Molestation: Watching the Unwatchable

We've all seen television shows or films advertised that focus on upsetting subjects. In the past couple of weeks, The Oprah Winfrey Show has included discussions on two such subjects: pedophilia and women who sexually abuse children. When I first heard the opening clips for these shows, my first impulse was to pass them by. In the end, however, I decided that it was worth giving them a try.

In one episode last week, the show included a planel of four pedophiles who had committed sexual acts with children. In an episode that aired this week, the show included victims discussing their sexual abuse by female predators. Though the content of the shows was disturbing, I forced myself to watch them. After watching them, it occurred to me how important it is for all of us - psychologists included - to face what is uncomfortable in the effort to constantly gain more empathy for the experiences of others.

If you have an opportunity to watch segments of these shows on your own DVR or on Oprah.com, I encourage you to do so. Watching these shows in the past couple of weeks reminded me that true understanding of human behavior requires that we face what is uncomfomfortable and search every day for a greater capcity of understanding and empathy. To hear the stories of these victims is heartbreaking, but ultimately inspiring to see how some individuals persevere despite the most horrific human experiences.

Guest Blogger: Amanda Kane, LSW

Surviving Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day can be a difficult holiday if you’ve recently experienced a breakup. Red and pink hearts, boxes of chocolate, and sappy couples seem to be horribly omnipresent. How should the newly single celebrate (or survive) such a relationship-centric holiday? Here are some ideas…

1.) Host a “Blind Date Party” for your single friends. Ask friends to bring another single, eligible person who is looking for love. Add some cocktails and watch the sparks fly!

2.) Throw a “Mr. X Party.” Ask everyone to bring any mementos or pictures from past relationships. Then fire up the bar-be-que pit or shredder! (Use caution and common sense). Sometimes the disposal of symbolic remnants from past relationships can help people grieve and move-on. Create an accompanying party soundtrack with breakup-themed music (think Alanis Morrisette).

3.) Invite your single friends over for a romantic movie marathon. Stories heavy on the teen angst are always crowd-pleasers. Some of my favorites include ‘80s Molly Ringwald classics and the John Cusack movie, Say Anything. Or maybe go the girl-empowerment route with Sex & The City.

4.) Plan to meet with friends for a fun and physically engaging endeavor. Dancing, skiing, and bowling are just a few of the activities that can be challenging and exciting. Feeling angry? Channel some of that aggression into a paint ball battle!

5.) If your lifestyle is conducive to pet ownership, consider adopting a dog. Dog walks and park meet-ups are great ways to people. And even if you don’t meet the woman or man of your dreams via your dog, loving a pet may be the next best thing.

Valentine’s Day is a moment to celebrate important relationships in our lives—romantic or otherwise. Remember that friends and other loved ones can be included in the holiday.

Why should couples have all the fun of Valentine’s Day?!

How to Cope with a Break-Up: Breaking Up Gracefully, Part 4

Here we are at the last of the four essays on Breaking Up Gracefully. We have already discussed why break-ups are psychologically so upsetting, covered tips on what to do after a break-up, and focused on resisting blame of our ex for the reasons the relationship failed. This last essay will focus on how to approach the future as it relates to finding a better relationship. After all, no relationship was a waste of time as long as you learned from it.

One of the easiest ways to cope with your feelings post-break-up is to go and find someone else to fill the void. I worked with an older man at one of my first jobs at the age of 17 who told me about a break-up he had. He said succinctly, "I gotta git me a new baby started." The point of this last essay is that starting a new relationship right away was the last thing he needed. What he needed, in fact, was to take time off and learn how to be comfortably single.

The best way to carry your old issues into your next relationship is to start another relationship too quickly. Is there a length of time one should wait? Not necessarily. However, I can tell you that it depends, in part, on the length of your previous relationship and how upsetting or bitter the break-up was. If your relationship was at least a year or the break-up was incredibly upsetting, you need time to heal - at least a year! Otherwise, give it 6 months. The point is that your next relationship will be better if you are better at the time you start it.

The goal cannot be to find someone - the goal must be for you to get yourself together and to build a strong sense of self so that you can be a vital 50% of your next union. Being single is the best time to take up new activities and to grow emotionally in ways your previous relationship did not allow.

I know breaking up is painful. But if you can work on learning how to do it gracefully and work on seeing things in perspective, your next relationship will bear the fruit.

How to Cope with a Break-Up: Breaking Up Gracefully, Part 3

Breaking up is an awful process - there is simply no way around this reality. Even if the relationship you were in was a bad one, breaking up is still difficult. This essay is the third in my four-part series on 'Breaking Up Gracefully,' and it focuses on one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up.

When a break-up strikes your life, you are going to have to try to be strong - no matter how counterintuitive that seems at the time. When you are ready - and this won't be on Day 2 following the break-up - you must summon the courage to resist blaming your ex for what went wrong. Hands down, the best way to carry old, unresolved issues into your next relationship is to blame your ex. Assigning responsibility to your ex for why things failed is ultimately bad for you. The reality is that it takes two to tango, and what causes relationships to fail makes no exception to the rule. Bottom line: it takes two to make it work and two to make it fail.

What should your goal be? To be able to say:

1. These are the things I failed to do, and these are the things my ex failed to do.
2. These are my weaknesses and these are my ex's weaknesses.

One of the most consistent things I see in my clinical work is that people don't want to acknowledge their own faults in the beginning. To an extent, this is normal. We have defense mechanisms (rationalization, denial, etc.) that kick in to protect our feelings and ego so that we don't feel overwhelmed and lost.

I emphasize that this part, not blaming your ex, is a part of the process you must get to when you are ready. However, keep your eye on the ball and remember that this must be a goal on your road to recovery from your break-up. Seeing things fairly will help you tremendously in your next relationship. After all, when two people break up, neither partner really got that they wanted. Each was hoping to find a relationship that is loving and lasting, and the dream died for each partner.

In my practice, I always asks my clients 'what does this mean about you?' I ask them 'what could you do differently next time?' In this way, we keep the focus on ourselves, the part we can control, and give up the focus on the ex. We can't control what others do, so it makes the most sense to focus on ourselves.

Life can be difficult, and it can be terribly difficult during the break-up process. After you have indulged all those negative thoughts and feelings and sat with them, you can begin to look back and figure out what your part was that contributed to the end of the relationship. Remember that blaming your ex may feel good at the time, but blame will ultimately hold you back. Accept what is and do your best to learn from the past and to move on gracefully.

How to Cope with a Break-Up: Breaking Up Gracefully, Part 2

When you break up, what you really need is tips on how to cope with your break-up. You may feel like you've been shot straight to hell in a hand basket, and we need to redirect that flight. Below, I describe several tips you can follow to ease the pain and break up as gracefully as possible. This is not a comprehensive list, but these are some useful universal principles. I have watched countless clients of mine heal by using some of these very principles.

Tip #1
Stop all contact with your ex. Not necessarily forever, but at least for a while until you accept that the relationship really is over. We have all ended relationships where we turn to our ex to heal the pain of the loss, but what it does is prolong the pain. One of the things I find myself saying to my clients constantly is "sit with it." It is much easier to act out on negative feelings, but sitting with them and accepting that we are upset is what we need to do the most.

Tip #2
Change something in your daily routine when you are ready to do so. When you break up, there are reminders everywhere of the love you had that is now gone. This is a great time to start going to a new place for coffee, change gyms, or reconnect with an old friend. I believe that changing things in your 'physical scenery' helps to change what I call your 'emotional scenery,' or how you feel.

Tip #3
Write! Write! Write! Even for those of you who would rather chew nails than keep a journal, now is the time to do it. Trying new things is one of the best ways to get you out of your existing mindset. When you are sad, angry, or feel empty, just write it down. It is really helpful to put it on paper because it helps to organize your thoughts and feelings in your mind.

Tip #4
Treat yourself well with positive, self-care rituals. Get a massage, take warm baths, rock yourself to sleep, and say soothing things to yourself out loud. This may sound silly, but I would be shocked if you didn't feel at least a TINY bit better after doing it.

Tip #5
Flock to those you love and trust. Ask yourself who are your main social supports- the people you go to in time of need. Ask them if you can have a 'date' once per week where you get together and do something fun. You need something to look forward to, and spending time with a friend or relative is one of the best ways to soothe yourself during this terribly difficult time.

The next two essays in this series will help you further along the road to healing and recovery from a broken heart. I know it's hard, but things usually do get better.

How to Cope with a Break-Up: Breaking Up Gracefully, Part 1

Breaking up is hard to do. Who hasn't had a breakup, after all? One of the hardest things to do is to break up gracefully. Relationships bring out in people what I call 'primitive' emotions: anger, love, lust, jealousy, and the beat goes on. This is the first in a series of 4 essays I call Breaking Up Gracefully.

This first one will focus on why breakups trigger such primitive emotions and why breaking up is so damn difficult. The following 3 essays to come this week will focus on other aspects of breakups and give you tips on how to break up gracefully.

Breaking up is difficult because, in a nutshell, we have lost something. This loss often triggers profound sadness. One of the things that determines how you deal with your break up is whether you initiated it or your partner initiated it. Everyone always asks people, "So who broke up with who?" Adults like to think this is such a juvenile question. They will laugh it off and say that this is childish, that it doesn't matter. The truth: it does. If you loved someone but then end the relationship yourself, you can feel overwhelmed with guilt and worry for the well-being of your partner. If your partner chose to end it, you can feel a total loss of control. I am a believer that if one partner is unhappy, both are unhappy. Why? Because we can sense when our partner is not happy and that should make us feel unhappy, too and help us realize that the relationship is not working. It has to work for both partners, not just one!

If your partner is the one who initiates the break-up but you didn't want the relationship to end, I feel tremendous empathy for you. There is little worse than feeling that you are not enough to make someone happy. This can trigger sadness, anger, revenge fantasies, and all sorts of other primitive feelings. One of the worst parts of breaking up is that your feelings seem so damn permanent at the time! Sometimes, it's hard to imagine that you could ever feel happy again. One of the quickest things to fly out the window when you are overwhelmed with primitive feelings is perspective. It can be terribly difficult - or next to impossible - to imagine that one day you will wake up and feel better.

In the next 3 essays to follow this week, I will give you some tips on how to handle breaking up so that you can immerse yourself in the light at the end of the tunnel. For now, if you remember one thing, remember that the primitive feelings you feel while breaking up are not permanent. The pain won't last forever.

Bad Weather = Journal Time

Well, it's raining in Los Angeles and snowing in Washington, D.C. There's something mysterious about harsh weather that makes us more reflective. As we remain protected from the insides of our various dwellings, we look outside and the mind often begins to wander. When the weather causes such reflection, I encourage you to pull out your journal - or any paper, for that matter - and write.

One of the best ways to find or maintain a romantic relationship is to be in touch with yourself, taking constant inventory of your wants and needs. Research - and probably your own experience with writing, as well - has clearly documented that writing about your experiences has multiple psychological benefits. Accordingly, try to make use of this effective coping tool today by focusing your writing on your relationships - the romantic one you want or already have.

Ask yourself if you're happy, what you can do to find or change your relationship in the ways you want, and which behaviors you can modify to become a better romantic partner. Then, once you're finished, you can do all of the other things that harsh weather makes you want to do: make some comfort food, put on a video, and curl up under your favorite blanket on the couch!

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

How to Reach Out to a Friend in Pain…

Clients frequently ask me how they should approach a loved one they feel is in distress. The nature of the distress may be emotional, such as depression, or it may be a problem like alcohol or drug abuse. While the specifics of each case are different, the best way to reach out follows similar guidelines.

First, choose a relatively neutral time to share your concerns with the person. I’m not suggesting waiting for the perfect time—it will never come—but choose a moment when neither of you are especially agitated or emotional. Create a quiet environment relatively free of distractions. This will “set the stage” and convey the gravity of your concerns. It will also allow you to focus on the person completely. This in itself is a rather special quality in our busy, modern lives.

Be direct and honest when you address the issue but also be kind. Come from a place of concern. Avoid blaming language such as, “You always…” or “You are…” If you want to reach your friend, then it is best to confront them with examples of their behavior rather than name calling. Even if you are angry, calling someone a name will probably only shut them down. If you need to support your concern with concrete examples then focus on the person's behavior.

Ask the family member or friend how they feel—or how they are doing. This is a simple question which frequently goes unasked. It conveys caring and concern if you ask it like you actually want to hear a real answer, rather than the cursory, “I’m fine.”

Let them know that you want to help. Suggest that you help them find referrals to professionals who deal with their problem. Have a positive attitude about change but acknowledge your friend’s concerns. Even though your friend is suffering, the pain is probably familiar and the suggestion of change may cause them to have a lot of mixed feelings. Try your best to really listen and empathize with their feelings. Feeling “heard” may be the encouragement your friend needs to seek further help.

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Hope for Alcoholics: Finding Help

It’s my belief that everyone can relate to some degree of addiction. While not everyone may suffer from a true addiction, most people know what it feels like to really want something that’s not good for you. Whether its food, substances, or some other one-eyed demon, temptation can prove to be powerful and dangerous.

For those of you who struggle with alcohol addiction, learning how to effectively battle it can be downright awful. It’s no easy feat to understand 1) what makes you drink and 2) how to stop doing it in the future.

Many books have chronicled alcohol addiction with striking precision. The book that first comes to mind is Dry, written by Augesten Burroughs. He takes you to the bottom of the barrel with him, and you see how horrid and painful the addiction can be for its sufferers. A friend of mine also urges that Drinking: A Love Story, written by Caroline Knapp, is incredibly compelling, as well. Check out these or other books on the subject and you will get a greater understanding of addiction and the many ways it impacts an addict’s life.

The good news about alcohol addiction is that there are countless resources available to help you through it. One of the most powerful tools for recovery is Alcoholics Anonymous. While it may not work for everyone, it has certainly worked for the thousands of men and women whom AA refers to as “friends of Uncle Bill,” the founder of the organization.

If you feel that your alcohol use is getting or has gotten out of control, reach out for help now – or sooner rather than later. One of the helping hands offering support is AA, which you can reach through the following link:

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/meeting_finder.cfm?origpage=29.

Believe me when I say that there is a vast network out there to help and support you so that you can move forward and live a life more free from stress and self-harm.

Book Review: Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell

Recently I received a copy of the bestselling book, Outliers, and devoured it instantaneously. What a pleasure this book is to read - accessible without dumbing down its subject, and interesting with practical, real-life application.

Gladwell's book follows in the same vein as his previous gigantic bestsellers, Blink and The Tipping Point, meaning that he tackles a fascinating subject from several angles - psycholgical, sociological, and so on. With Outliers, he looks at what makes some individuals far more successful than others. In a nutshell, his book asks 'What's their secret?'

The answer to that question isn't simple, but Gladwell guides us through an expanatory process in which we come to understand that it is often the people or circumstances around that success story which make all the difference - perhaps not so much the individual.

Pick up a copy of this book today and perhaps you can glean some secrets of success and use them to your own advantage!