On My Bookshelf: Jonathan Tropper’s This Is Where I Leave You

On occasion, I pick up a book, read it, and feel compelled to write about it. This reaction describes my experience with the new novel, This Is Where I Leave You. What a punch this novel packs, replete with betrayal, death, and existential crisis. Specifically, the book is about a man whose wife falls in love with another man, and tracks his journey on the downward spiral that follows.

I was first drawn to the book by its title. I often find melancholia in fiction and film attractive, in part, because it usually bears many layers of emotion, complex and intriguing all at once. The title, in fact, reminds me of another favorite book and title, Joyce Carol Oates’ Because It Is Bitter and Because It Is My Heart. I’m not sure if an author ever crafted a better title than that. Oates’ work, in fact, has mesmerized me to the point that few other authors have. I remember as a teenager when I read her book Wonderland, wrote her a letter with a few questions about the characters’ intentions, and felt both surprised and heartbroken when she never responded.

I’m not sure that I’ll write to the author of This Is Where I Leave You, but if I were to do so, I’m sure I could come up with a few titillating questions. Yet one of the questions I have is more for readers than the author himself. I mainly wonder if this is a book that men would primarily enjoy, as he probes so artfully into the male psyche, or if women would appreciate the book equally, as well. I don’t mean to suggest that the characters’ gender in a novel determines the gender of the readership who could appreciate it, but certainly that relationship must exist with respect to some books.

My guess is that men would like this book more than women, perhaps because one of the things that the author achieves so swiftly is his explication of male sexuality. Regardless, this book is so well-written and, at times, funny that I recommend you pick a copy up and give it a try. The book has received some terrific reviews from many prominent publications this year. I enjoyed it immensely and hope that you do, too.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

MENTAL HEALTH TIP OF THE DAY: Just Say No

I'm a big believer in self care. All too often we (women especially) puts the needs of others--kids, partners, parents, friends...before our own. Many clients tell me about dinner parties they should attend, bake sales they should bake for, the latest Oprah book club pick that they should read. The list of shoulds goes on and on. It is very important to learn how to say "no" to excessive commitments that drain your time and energy. Saying "no" may feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar at first. It may trigger feelings of guilt, but luckily the more you practice the easier it becomes.

Instead of berating yourself with what you "should" be doing, ask yourself what you really want to do. Would your prefer to read a trashy paperback to The New York Times bestseller gathering dust on your bedside table? Do you want to skip out on your tedious co-worker's dinner party and go home to a bubble bath? Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough choices and live life according to what should be done. So, the next time you feel obligated, ask yourself if this is something that is really necessary. If it isn't, then practice saying "no, I just can't."

Money Problems Can Lead to Divorce

You’ve probably heard that money problems are one the most significant factors that can lead to divorce. Without doubt, differences in money management styles between two partners can ruin a marriage. In fact, you don’t even need to be married to fall victim to the powerful influence money problems can have on a relationship. You could have been cohabitating for years or have recently begun dating someone, but everyone’s relationship with money is quickly transparent. If you tend to be a little reckless with your money or a negligent financial planner, it is going to negatively affect your partner and the overall longevity of your relationship.

There’s no complicated algorithm to determine whether you are a bad money manager – there are simple signs that flash like neon lights in all the corners of your life.

• You are almost always worried about money.
• You have credit card debt even though you make a decent salary.
• You have a penchant for expensive things.
• You have at least one loan beyond a mortgage or a school loan.
• You have an expensive car but don’t yet own a home or condominium.
• Someone you love (probably your partner) has repeatedly expressed concern about the way you handle money.

If you have problems managing your money, you and your partner probably argue frequently about money. Added to this, a struggling economy only makes things worse. If you know that money management is a true problem, you must confront the issue head on immediately.

There are several behaviors you can engage in to improve your money management skills. First, take yourself to a local bookstore or search online for books that specifically focus on this subject. Second, it’s time to have a discussion with your partner and for you to make a vow to change your relationship with money. Third, create what I call a Financial Performance Improvement Plan. In this plan, identify two or three specific money problems, create a solution for each, and come up with a deadline by which the problems will be resolved. Again, be specific.

The final suggestion I have for handling money management problems in your relationship is to talk to other couples in your social circle about how they handle the same issues. I refer to this process as conducting interviews, because you essentially want to get answers and ideas from others that you can possibly apply to your own life and improve your circumstances as a result.

With true commitment and time spent making some changes, you can absolutely improve your money management skills and protect the longevity of your relationships all at once.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

How Much Do Looks Matter?

Beauty is a cultural obsession. We are flooded with information, images, and products designed to encourage us to ask, “How can I make myself more attractive?” This focus on the superficial makes me ponder the interplay between attractiveness and romantic relationship dynamics.

This is a complicated connection. How we feel about our physical selves has a profound effect on everything from our shopping habits to our self-esteem. We literally cannot escape the reminder of our physical vessel. And even though there is a lot of lip service to the idea that “what is on the inside really counts,” everyone knows that the outside package does matter.

A client recently said that she wants a boyfriend who "loves me for my heart and spirit instead of the circumference of my thighs." I completely agree that it is important for romantic partners to value the person beyond the superficial.

But realistically, most people do connect to their partner’s physicality before they get to know them on deeper levels. (And let us not forget that beauty is thankfully subjective. Someone in the universe doesn’t think that Angelina Jolie is really all that gorgeous). I think that my client represents a lot of people who wish that they could find a partner who loves them absolutely unconditionally despite age, weight, or any of the other variables that shift with time.

Is it realistic to hold out for this love? Does it even exist? I believe that your partner may love you even if you dye your hair green and gain three hundred pounds, but they might not remain physically attracted to you. My view doesn’t fit with the fairy tale of unconditional love. I'm very interested in others’ opinions.

ANGELINA JOLIE Photograph by Patrick Demarchelier; from the July 2008 issue of Vanity Fair.

Sexual vs. Emotional Infidelity

Though everyone may have a slightly different definition of what qualifies as infidelity, most people seem to believe that it involves sexual or physical betrayal. This type of betrayal is incredibly painful for the partner who has been cheated on, and countless self-help books discuss ways to cope with this kind of event when it happens.

It is my belief that much less is documented and discussed when it comes to emotional infidelity. I’m not talking about finding out that your partner follows pornographic websites or is connecting with others somewhere in sexual cyberspace. Even though those partners may not be actually having sex and may not ever meet, the nature of the infidelity is still sexual.

Emotional infidelity refers to behavior that one partner engages in that fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now and sometimes promotes the possibility of sexual intimacy in the future. Many people maintain secret or semi-secret friendships when there is a clear mutual interest or attraction, while others may not be interested but encourage others’ interest in them.

The sad reality is emotional infidelity is often totally hidden to the extent that you may not know if and when your partner is emotionally cheating. Because the connection is not sexually based, there are fewer opportunities to detect the infidelity. For example, when there’s no need for a hotel room, it’s difficult for anyone to find proof of the betrayal upon review of your credit card bill.

Many articles and books will give you the top tips to tell you if your partners cheating, but what are the tips to tell you if your partner is emotionally cheating? The truth is that it is very difficult to tell – in some cases, next to impossible. The best indicator is to consider the character of your partner and to ask yourself how much you truly trust his or her integrity. How loyal is your partner to his or her friends? To his or her job? To his or her family? Is there a history of unfaithfulness in any form in the past?

Ultimately, we all have strong instincts that guide us. Your instincts will have a hard time telling you someone is emotionally cheating on you, but they will easily tell you whether your partner is inherently trustworthy or prone to infidelity. It never hurts to discuss this issue with your partner so that you can be sure you have the same definition of infidelity. It is my belief that your definition of cheating should include both emotional and sexual components.

Finally, one point I would like to emphasize is that couples often wait until they’re in a trouble spot to discuss uncomfortable issues. In my clinical work I always tell my clients that the best time to discuss problems is completely counterintuitive – do it when things are going well!

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Lessons from a Wedding

I’ve returned from a hiatus following my recent wedding. Weddings certainly provide excellent fodder for a relationship blog! Mixing relationship dynamics with swan ice sculptures and intense emotion is never boring, right? My wedding was more than I expected it would be—more hectic, emotional, beautiful, and crazy. As a mental health professional, I know that the word “crazy” is taboo, yet sometimes it is the perfect descriptor.

I won’t go into details about the craziness, (professional boundaries and all), but let’s just say that after reflecting on the day I’ve learned some important lessons. The following is some slightly silly, yet utterly genuine advice for brides and grooms.

Lesson #1
If you have a dog, then that dog should be in the bridal party. Relationships with animals are so much simpler than those with humans. This has never been truer than on your wedding day. You’ll be glad to have your pet close.

Lesson #2
Unless you are in recovery, consider having a glass of champagne or something along those lines before the wedding. (Everything in moderation). Alcohol should never be a primary coping tool but sometimes it really can take the edge off. And there will be an edge. Also, deep breathing has never been more important. Several…deep breaths…with slow exhales…

Lesson #3
Rely on your friends! Social support is always important—especially on the big day. When family drama hits, reach out to your extended, created family for some TLC, to vent, or to fetch you that glass of champagne.

Lesson#4
It’s not about you. A wise therapist once said that weddings are “communal blessings.” I think this is a lovely sentiment, which highlights the fact that weddings are about family, celebration, and participation. (And evidence for the societal value of allowing gay couples to wed…but that is another blog). If you want the wedding to truly be about the two of you, then I suggest you elope. See the sitcom “the office” and Pam and Jim’s recent wedding for scientific proof of this truth.

Lesson#5
Disregard Suze Orman’s fiscal advice and definitely take a honeymoon. Pool your cash gifts and max out your credit card if necessary. (Okay, I may be overstating the importance of this just a little, but definitely plan a get-away with your spouse immediately after the wedding, even if it is a long weekend.) You will need time after the wedding to relax, recharge, and refocus. Weddings are wonderful but they are not relaxing…ever.

Lesson#6
Hire a great photographer. Flowers wilt, pigs in a blanket shrivel--the wedding goes by in a flash. But the pictures will last until at least your second marriage. Make sure you capture the moments you missed while you were thanking your Aunt Enid for the toaster. I’m still waiting for my official pictures and will share one with the blog when they arrive!

Lesson #7
Write a blog post about the experience! Or at least process it with close friends and family—or anyone who will listen. Such an intense emotional experience needs to be discussed, dissected, and relived. You will have a variety of feelings on your wedding day—some you will be prepared for, and others you will not, but allow yourself to feel all of them.

Dogs Teach the Darndest Lessons: How Pet Parenthood Prepares You for the Real Thing

We all know that kids do the darndest things, but any dog owner can tell you the same truth applies to dogs. Not only are they little furballs of personality, but living with them and tending to their every need can also have helpful real-life applications that prepare you for a different kind of nurturing. I have found that dogs can actually teach you how to become a good parent to your children.

As I mentally prepare to have children of my own, I'm fraught with the predictable anxieties: Will I be a good enough father? Patient enough? Flexible enough? Yet as I battle my own neuroses, I must take solace in the fact that I have already had some experiences parenting. True, I haven't dealt with a bawling infant or a defiant toddler, but taking care of dogs brings with it unique needs. For one, your dog probably won't develop language skills, so you will eternally need to try to decipher the language he speaks and meet him on the communication level he is capable of. Actually, perhaps having a dog is kind of like having an infant who never grows beyond sixteen pounds!

When I think back to my first experience as a dog owner, I recall a period a few years ago when a gorgeous lemon beagle puppy came into my life. Never having raised a dog before, I (maybe) engaged in some punishment techniques that weren't so effective. (Whoever said that clinical psychologists take their own advice?) And yet years later, when a second dog entered my life, I found that I approached my new chihuahua mix from a more balanced perspective. The reality: I'd done it before and had learned how to take care of a dog as a result of my experiences.

I have found that taking care of pets introduces you to some of the same issues that I know exist in children and adolescents. For example, if you ever want proof of the fact that dogs can have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, I would refer you to Misha, the chihuahua mix. Though his upbringing (which subjected him to abandonment and, we believe, abuse) understandably caused anxiety that would later become manifest in what appear to be OCD symptoms, his current life with me seems fairly stress-free. Despite the about-face towards comfort, his compulsive symptoms (for example, mock-chewing one of his paws in a perseverative, urgent manner for no reason) continue. In the moments when he engages in this activity, I must check my own impulse to stop the behavior. He isn't truly hurting himself and he's engaged in this behavior for years as a means of self-soothing, so who is it really bothering besides me?

My experience getting triggered by my dog's OCD symptoms reminds me of behavior you often see parents engage in with their children: "Stop doing that," they often snap, or "Don't do that," and the list goes on. It occurs to me that parents often focus on activities their children engage in that aren't inherently bad, or even bad for them. In fact, the anxiety is often the parents', and the constant barrage of directives by the parents can actually increase a child's anxiety and, accordingly, increase the very anxiety symptoms that drive parents nuts to begin with.

So I no longer try to stop my dog from engaging in the unconventional, idiosyncratic behaviors. After all, these behaviors are merely the archive of his experiences and personality. I know that my own ability to take a step back, to engage in benevolent punishment when appropriate, and to accept the bad with the good all stem from my experience taking care of my dogs. In hindsight, I am intensely relieved that I checked a few of my not-so-parental impulses prior to having actual children. No one ever told me that being a parent to a canine first would smooth the road for the real thing, so I thought I'd be the first to say it to you.

(This article written by Dr. Seth was also published at Psychology Today).

How Busy Mothers Can Ask for Help

Because moms provide the fuel that makes the world go 'round, moms are extra susceptible to burnout. As a clinical psychologist in private practice, I have learned the hard way about burnout – giving can be wonderful, but it can also be draining. Moms have unique struggles, often carrying the burden of raising the children, running the household, and often even having paying jobs outside the home. I am offering some suggestions to help lessen your load a little so that you can reduce your own burnout.

How often do you ask for help in your daily routine? You’ve got ten million things to do, and you may feel like being a ‘good’ mom means that you should be doing it all yourself. More than that, you may feel that you should be doing it well. I have learned in my own life to use the following mantra and to repeat it to myself throughout the day: “Something always has to give.” When you feel overloaded, try coming up with an expression – a mantra – that you can say to yourself to silence what I call your HIGH STANDARDS DEMONS.

The reality is that everyone – supermoms included – has a breaking point. You can get tired and run-down, stressed about money and how the children are doing, and worried about how you’ll keep up with everything you’ve got to do. The important point is to know that you have limits and learn to realize when you’re reaching your own boiling point. The boiling point often coincides with feeling particularly tired, stressed, or irritable. When you’ve reached this point, it’s time to ask for help.

The first order of business is to call a family meeting. Explain to your family – even the little ones you’re responsible for – that you are run-down and need a little extra help to get you through this phase. You can tell your husband or partner the details, and explain in simple terms to your children that you are overwhelmed. With the kids, say something like “Mom has been doing so much she feels really tired.” This is an important life lesson that you are teaching your children – that you are human and that everyone has limits. In your family meeting, ask your family what they can do to pitch in a little extra with some of the chores and obligations. Ask your husband if he wouldn’t mind doing the grocery shopping for the next two weeks, or if he can put the kids to bed a couple nights or help with homework so that you can have some down time and take a bath.

In addition to your family, call a couple friends and ask if they can help you out a little for the time being. Assure them that you will return the favor when they get a little run-down, too. Ask a friend if she can pick the kids up at school a day or two this week, or ask a friend if she can drop off some food at your house for dinner. Again, something always has to give.

Thinking longer-term, it might be a good idea to start a carpool with other moms if you haven’t done so already. If you already have a carpool set up, it might be worth considering adding another mom or two to the carpool list. Make a deal with a friend that if both of you have to make some cupcakes for an event, you’ll switch off with that responsibility so that each of you doesn’t have to bake for every single event. Finally, when was the last time you asked an extended family member – parent, sibling, whomever – to come stay with the kids for the weekend so that you and your husband can take a weekend off and recharge your batteries? If it’s been a while, get out your daily planner and start setting it up.

Moms, you deserve a break. The problem is that nobody is going to hand it to you on a platter, so you need to put the word out that it’s time for you to get a little help.