When Someone You Love is Depressed

Loving someone with mental illness is one of the most challenging experiences a person can have. More attention is always paid to the individual suffering with the mental illness than the loved one, and this is understandable. However, far too often we neglect just how difficult the experience can be for the loved ones. As with addiction, mental illness affects everyone in its path. Depression can be confusing for loved ones to understand, particularly if the loved ones have not experienced depression themselves.

Trademark symptoms of depression include a loss of energy and loss of interest in doing things the person normally enjoys doing. Appetite and sleep are often affected, as is the ability to function in everyday life.

Loved ones who don’t understand depression can fall into judgment (“Why don’t they simply get over it?”) or can take things personally (“Is it something I’m doing that's making them unhappy?”). The most important thing to do when you love someone with depression is to learn about the disorder. Research depression online, and ask your friends whether they have experienced depression or have loved someone who had depression. You would be surprised how many people have been affected by depression, either directly or indirectly.

Once you know more about the disorder, you will know you should not judge it and that you should not take it personally. Understand that depression often works in a cyclical manner, which means that the depression will often lift, at least somewhat, in the future. Finally, talk to your loved one and confide in that person that this is a disorder you are learning about so that you can provide support for him or her.

Depression is awful but knowing how to navigate it can make it easier to bear.

Knowing When to End a Relationship

Knowing when to call it quits in love is difficult – in fact, it can feel downright impossible. The truth is, however, that sometimes men and women make it more difficult and confusing than it needs to be. Understand that over-thinking anything can make a decision more complex. In this way, you can actually run interference in your own life. It’s a good rule of thumb to remind yourself that you should never get in your OWN way in making a decision. You should simply use your judgment and make the best decision possible.

One of the best ways to make sense of the past and learn from it is to detect patterns. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, how long have you been unhappy? Let’s go a step further and look at what makes you unhappy to see if there’s a pattern. First, are the issues behavioral (he comes home too late, disrespects you in public, etc.) or are the issues more reflective of personality traits (she lies to you, is overly dependent, etc.)?

Determine if there is a consistent pattern that is making you unhappy, and then determine whether the main problem is a behavior or personality factor. There is no time limit I can tell you that is healthy – no set measure that says give him “3 months to change or else!” However, the more conscious you are of the patterns - and whether they reflect behavioral or personality issues – the better you will be able to make a decision based on sound judgment. Sometimes when we can articulate the problem more clearly, we can have a better idea about how to proceed in the future. Most importantly, we can have a better sense of whether we see the problem remaining or changing.

In the end, remember that we have only one life to live that we know about. My hope is that you live this one as happily and fully as possible, and that you find a loving relationship that lasts.

Dr. Seth: Featured Expert for New Film

This past weekend, Dr. Seth filmed a promotional segment for the forthcoming film Let the Game Begin, a movie about con-artists who seek out romantic partners in the dating world. More information on the film's release to come!

Loving an Addict: To Help or Not to Help?

(Article by Dr. Seth also appearing at Psychology Today)

Not too long ago, Melody Beattie barged right into my therapy session with a client, knocking the door off its hinges and turning over the coffee table by my chair. I couldn’t believe it – it all seemed so crazy. Before I proceed, though, I should probably explain that Ms. Beattie, herself, didn’t explode all over our session, but rather her clinical surrogate.


If you’re not familiar with Melody Beattie, you should be: She developed the concept of codependence as illustrated in her self-help juggernaut Codependent No More. The concept, fully co-opted by the mainstream to the point of water cooler ubiquity, is one of the most important concepts that has emerged from psychological thought in the past fifty years.


In a nutshell, codependence describes the psychological process that ensues when an individual loves an addict. One of the takeaways from Ms. Beattie’s book is that loving an addict is akin to hell on earth, and she walks the reader through the various ways in which the supposed caretaker isn’t actually caring at all – but rather reinforcing the addiction or, as they say in 12 step groups, enabling.


In the session in which Ms. Beattie (sort of) appeared, my client described an episode in which her friend had –again - been arrested for drug possession, and my client arrived at the jail in the middle of the night to bail her out. “Why,” I asked, “did you do it?” The answer, in a flash: loyalty. My client’s belief is that this is what you do when you love someone – you help a loved one in need.


Thank goodness for self-helps books, such as Codependent No More, and therapists who can serve as objective guides in such instances of clouded judgment. Though I admit that I wanted to spring to my feet and shout, “No! You can’t bail her out!” I opted instead for something more neutral. In brief, I asked her to read Ms. Beattie’s book and spoke to my client about the myths of “helping” an addict.


Let me be clear before I make a pronouncement that leads to unwarranted hate mail: If someone you love is addicted, it is important to offer your love and support. If your loved one ends up in the slammer, it is understandable if you bail him or her out. I am talking about loving addicts who continue to screw up and whom you continue to bail out. If you run to pick up the pieces, you’re not doing anyone any favors. You must be aware of the long-term damage you can do to yourself in investing in something that might repeatedly bring dismal returns. True love is not about repeated rescue – it’s about productive mutuality.


It’s always an interesting experience when you’re working as a therapist and a clinical session makes something you read about in a textbook come so clearly to light. I truly wish Ms. Beattie had appeared in that session in which my client discussed her codependent reaction – perhaps she could have outlined her own concept more clearly!

HAPPY LABOR DAY WEEKEND!

Enjoy, be safe, and have fun this weekend! You will find my new article posted here - also published at Psychology Today - in the next week!

Quote of the Day

"Happiness is never stopping to think if you are." ~Palmer Sondreal

This framework is very Buddhist but you don't need to be a Buddhist to understand its relevance!

Dr. Seth: New Stickk.com Expert

Dr. Seth has joined the panel of experts at StickK.com, a website that is goal-focused and includes communities of individuals trying to accomplish certain goals (e.g, exercise, weight loss). You can check out the link below to read his most current article.

http://www.stickk.com/articles.php?show=all