Dating isn’t easy or comfortable for anyone. The dating process can get complicated because it’s easy to get entrapped by your own insecurities or to cross paths with an unkind or rude date who spares no punches in making you feel less-than. These simple tips will help make dating easier and keep you feeling comfortable so that you protect your own ego en route to finding the partner who’s a good match for you!
Tip 1: Keep realistic expectations. Don’t approach a date with the mindset that you will meet “The One.” This is magical thinking. Your date could possible turn into that terrific partner but it will take time to get to that realization. Again, be realistic!
Tip 2: Plan dates around activities that you like to do. Feel free to suggest activities and environments that suit you – the worst that could happen is that your dates says “no.” The bottom line is that you can be most yourself when you feel comfortable and at ease. If you’re an outdoors person, go for a walk in a park or walk around an outdoor mall. If you like quite or intimate places, check out a restaurant that serves the type of cuisine you like. Being yourself = engaging in activities that reflect your interests.
Tip 3: Don’t schedule the usual dinner and a movie. The reality is that you might not want to hang out with your date for four hours if there’s little or no click between the two of you. Suggest an activity that takes about an hour, and give yourself permission to call it an early night if you’re not feeling the connection. Don’t fall into the guilt trap – nobody ever qualified in a textbook how long a date should take! You are a co-writer of the rules.
Tip 4: Don’t go out of your comfort zone in the early stages of dating. You don’t have to meet your date’s family or his or her huge group of friends if you’d rather get to know your date first. Nobody wants to be judged and surveyed, and meeting groups of people all at once is the surest way to invite this kind of uncomfortable attention.
Tip 5: Never agree to plans that you don’t think you’ll follow up on after the date is over. If your date really likes you, he or she may try to set something up for next time: “Let’s go there next time – you want to?” Let yourself feel free to say “maybe” but don’t fall into saying “yes, sure” when you don’t mean it. Finally, at the end of the date, don’t feel that you have to say “I’ll call you tomorrow or next week.” In such cases, it’s more honest to say “Nice to meet you and have a good night.”
Remember that dating is risky business and that it can be unpleasant, but keeping these simple tips in mind will make the journey a little smoother!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Guest Blogger: Amanda Kane
Jon & Kate Plus 8...Plus Another 8 in the Camera Crew...
Lately, multiple births seem to turn unknown parents into instant celebrities, especially when the children number in the double digit range. Raising such a large brood must be incredibly challenging. As I'm sure you realize, bringing a single child into the lives of a couple has a significant impact. Children give their parents tremendous joy, but the addition of a new family member is an enormous change and also a stressor.
Couples cope with this stress in a variety of ways. Frequently the experience of child rearing further unites couples and increases intimacy. But sometimes additional stress (from any source, not necessarily children) is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Changing role expectations, less time for each other, and extreme fatigue are just a few of the factors that cause relationships to crack under pressure. The challenge of raising multiples is even more difficult.
It must be very seductive when a television producer knocks on your door and wants your family to star in a reality t.v. show. Decent income (health insurance?) and free perks (a tummy tuck!) must seem like the answer to many concrete worries. But living in the spotlight has its share of problems. Contractually obligating your family to be filmed and watched by thousands of people isn't exactly most people's reality. It also may create more problems than it solves.
If you are being filmed for a t.v. show, even a reality show, then you are performing to some degree. I feel like relationships lose some degree of authenticity when they are packaged for mass consumption. I imagine that romantic relationships may begin to feel like a bit of a business arrangement. (Let's not even get into how it affects the children!) And business arrangements are not usually sexy, intimate, or fun--some of the quantities of a great romantic relationship.
It is entirely possible--and increasingly likely--that you will be approached to star in your own reality show. But be forewarned! History has proven that reality shows do not strengthen relationships. One final thought: Newlyweds.
Lately, multiple births seem to turn unknown parents into instant celebrities, especially when the children number in the double digit range. Raising such a large brood must be incredibly challenging. As I'm sure you realize, bringing a single child into the lives of a couple has a significant impact. Children give their parents tremendous joy, but the addition of a new family member is an enormous change and also a stressor.
Couples cope with this stress in a variety of ways. Frequently the experience of child rearing further unites couples and increases intimacy. But sometimes additional stress (from any source, not necessarily children) is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Changing role expectations, less time for each other, and extreme fatigue are just a few of the factors that cause relationships to crack under pressure. The challenge of raising multiples is even more difficult.
It must be very seductive when a television producer knocks on your door and wants your family to star in a reality t.v. show. Decent income (health insurance?) and free perks (a tummy tuck!) must seem like the answer to many concrete worries. But living in the spotlight has its share of problems. Contractually obligating your family to be filmed and watched by thousands of people isn't exactly most people's reality. It also may create more problems than it solves.
If you are being filmed for a t.v. show, even a reality show, then you are performing to some degree. I feel like relationships lose some degree of authenticity when they are packaged for mass consumption. I imagine that romantic relationships may begin to feel like a bit of a business arrangement. (Let's not even get into how it affects the children!) And business arrangements are not usually sexy, intimate, or fun--some of the quantities of a great romantic relationship.
It is entirely possible--and increasingly likely--that you will be approached to star in your own reality show. But be forewarned! History has proven that reality shows do not strengthen relationships. One final thought: Newlyweds.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Back to Your Routines After the Holiday
One of the pleasures of a holiday is taking a break from your usual routines by turning off the alarm clock, lounging a little longer at dinner, and seeing friends when you normally might not have time. At the same time, taking a break from your routines is one of the things that makes it so difficult to get back into them post-holiday!
As you crawl back into the routines that you likely took a break from over the Memorial Day weekend, don't be too hard on yourself. Mondays and Tuesdays are never easy, but they can be a particular challenge after the holidays. You WILL get back to the gym when you're ready, and you WILL try that diet on for size again. Letting yourself break out of your routines for a couple days, however, is one of the most important occasional breaks you can give yourself.
As you crawl back into the routines that you likely took a break from over the Memorial Day weekend, don't be too hard on yourself. Mondays and Tuesdays are never easy, but they can be a particular challenge after the holidays. You WILL get back to the gym when you're ready, and you WILL try that diet on for size again. Letting yourself break out of your routines for a couple days, however, is one of the most important occasional breaks you can give yourself.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
How to Stay Friends After the Divorce
One of the saddest realities of relationships is that they often end. The theory goes that relationships end because the love ends - one or both members of the couple fall out of love. The reasons why they 'fall out of love' vary. While some people’s careers or professional obligations may draw them away from their relationship, others experience betrayal they can’t forget or move past. Some lovers simply change and grow apart, and realize they were not meant to be together.
Most of you have probably had the experience of witnessing the forced encounter of two people who were once married in the past but who seem to have almost no connection with each other. I always wonder ‘are you sure you were ever married?’ A lot of good songwriters have captured the melancholia that comes with love. I’m thinking of Carly Simon who sang the song “Coming Around Again” in which she sings “so good on paper, so romantic, but so bewildering.”
Without a doubt, what is bewildering in love is the anger two people can feel for each other while feeling so much love at the very same time, and the subsequent shut-off of the emotional valve when the love’s gone. What happens to the love? Does it simply die?
It is my belief that people’s love doesn’t actually go away. It seems more likely that the love remains but is repressed to defend against strong, unpleasant feelings underneath. When you see two people who treat each other as strangers but who were once married, you are not seeing the love. However, the love is there but repressed. You see the manifestation of the anger, sadness, or denial, but it covers strong feelings underneath. You can’t simply love someone day after day and ever truly stop loving that person. You surrender to denial if you can’t accept that there is a part of you that still loves and misses that person - even if it's just the tiniest part. Music comes to mind again as I think of Whitney Houston singing "and if somebody loves you, won't they always love you?" The answer, in a word, is yes - though some will go to the grave denying it.
It is rare, it seems, that couples are able to hold onto a friendship and remain close while still moving on after the divorce. I am always impressed when I see couples who manage to stay friends – it takes strength in character and worldliness that can rise above hurt and pettiness. While we can’t do much to change the state of affairs in other couples, you can reflect on your own relationship. If you are single, reflect on what you hope for in your next relationship. If you’re looking for a partner who is also your best friend, think in advance about what you can do now to make sure that you never have to see an ex and treat him or her like a stranger.
Most of you have probably had the experience of witnessing the forced encounter of two people who were once married in the past but who seem to have almost no connection with each other. I always wonder ‘are you sure you were ever married?’ A lot of good songwriters have captured the melancholia that comes with love. I’m thinking of Carly Simon who sang the song “Coming Around Again” in which she sings “so good on paper, so romantic, but so bewildering.”
Without a doubt, what is bewildering in love is the anger two people can feel for each other while feeling so much love at the very same time, and the subsequent shut-off of the emotional valve when the love’s gone. What happens to the love? Does it simply die?
It is my belief that people’s love doesn’t actually go away. It seems more likely that the love remains but is repressed to defend against strong, unpleasant feelings underneath. When you see two people who treat each other as strangers but who were once married, you are not seeing the love. However, the love is there but repressed. You see the manifestation of the anger, sadness, or denial, but it covers strong feelings underneath. You can’t simply love someone day after day and ever truly stop loving that person. You surrender to denial if you can’t accept that there is a part of you that still loves and misses that person - even if it's just the tiniest part. Music comes to mind again as I think of Whitney Houston singing "and if somebody loves you, won't they always love you?" The answer, in a word, is yes - though some will go to the grave denying it.
It is rare, it seems, that couples are able to hold onto a friendship and remain close while still moving on after the divorce. I am always impressed when I see couples who manage to stay friends – it takes strength in character and worldliness that can rise above hurt and pettiness. While we can’t do much to change the state of affairs in other couples, you can reflect on your own relationship. If you are single, reflect on what you hope for in your next relationship. If you’re looking for a partner who is also your best friend, think in advance about what you can do now to make sure that you never have to see an ex and treat him or her like a stranger.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Friendship Test: Are Your Friendships Meeting Your Needs?
May is a terrific time for spring cleaning. Typically, when we think about spring cleaning, we think about clearing the house of junk, dust, and germs. Let’s think for a minute, however, about emotional spring cleaning – looking at an area of your life and asking yourself if there is anything that needs a little attention.
Spending some time evaluating the health of your friendships is important. While some friendships are perennial gems – solid and reliable – others might seem more like weeds with the occasional wildflower thrown in. Sometimes, because we adapt and learn to accept our circumstances simply because they are familiar, we carry friendships with us that don’t necessarily make us happy or fulfill us in important ways.
You probably know the toxic types – the friend who isn’t good at listening, who always needs more than you can give, or who is unreliable and flaky. Why, ask yourself, do you keep these friendships going? Moreover, when was the last time that you addressed your toxic friend head-on and called him or her on the things that drive you nuts?
Take some time to conduct an inventory of your friendships. Find some paper and write a list of your five or ten best friends. Consider the different emotional needs you have – because everyone has them – and determine if you have the friendships you need to round out a balanced life. Consider the need to have fun, to laugh, to be listened to, and to be able to trust and confide in someone. Think about each of your friendships and ask yourself if they meet at least one of these basic emotional needs.
Unfortunately, when you consider some friendships, you might determine that the friendship does not meet your needs and, in fact, causes you consistent frustration. If this is the case, the responsible thing to do is to discuss the issue with your friend and give him or her time to change, or to consider taking a few steps back and detaching. Detachment does not mean termination – some friendships are not intended to be super close but they can still remain on the periphery of your social circle!
Spending some time evaluating the health of your friendships is important. While some friendships are perennial gems – solid and reliable – others might seem more like weeds with the occasional wildflower thrown in. Sometimes, because we adapt and learn to accept our circumstances simply because they are familiar, we carry friendships with us that don’t necessarily make us happy or fulfill us in important ways.
You probably know the toxic types – the friend who isn’t good at listening, who always needs more than you can give, or who is unreliable and flaky. Why, ask yourself, do you keep these friendships going? Moreover, when was the last time that you addressed your toxic friend head-on and called him or her on the things that drive you nuts?
Take some time to conduct an inventory of your friendships. Find some paper and write a list of your five or ten best friends. Consider the different emotional needs you have – because everyone has them – and determine if you have the friendships you need to round out a balanced life. Consider the need to have fun, to laugh, to be listened to, and to be able to trust and confide in someone. Think about each of your friendships and ask yourself if they meet at least one of these basic emotional needs.
Unfortunately, when you consider some friendships, you might determine that the friendship does not meet your needs and, in fact, causes you consistent frustration. If this is the case, the responsible thing to do is to discuss the issue with your friend and give him or her time to change, or to consider taking a few steps back and detaching. Detachment does not mean termination – some friendships are not intended to be super close but they can still remain on the periphery of your social circle!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Tips on Finding a Therapist When You Have a Limited Budget
When you think of a psychotherapist, you probably conjure the image we see in television and film: The therapist sips from a coffee mug, listens, and occasionally nods or says “I see.” This picture is a costly one – the office is usually nice, the therapist is usually a “Dr.” and the room is typically spacious with a gorgeous view from the window. Often, handmade rugs cover the floor and expensive, custom-made draperies adorn the windows. Overall, the picture is one of elegance and sophistication.
Television and film depicts the highest echelon of psychotherapy practice. These therapists are in private practice, typically take cash or check only, and treat a specific population – the wealthy. That’s great for the wealthy but what do the other clients of the world do who can’t afford this?
I have found a balance in my work, having a private practice as well as working full-time with the county in which I live. Many people don’t know how many low-fee mental health resources there are available from the state, county, or city in which they live.
If you can’t afford the standard $100-$150 per session fee for the typical therapist in private practice, don’t give up hope altogether. First, conduct an extensive search on the internet. Use search terms like “sliding scale psychotherapy” and “community mental health center,” and include the name of the town or city in which you live. Try other terms like “affordable therapy” and “low cost mental health clinic.”
For years, I did my training at a host of nonprofit agencies where I conducted therapy with clients who could not afford to pay more than $10 per session. In fact, many people are able to get therapy for free. The trick is to figure out how to make that work for YOU.
One final tip I would like to share is to consider investigating whether universities or schools in your area have a therapy training program. While students are obtaining their Masters degree or doctoral degree in psychology or social work, for example, there is often a clinic at their school where they see no cost or low cost clients as a part of their training. Find out whether schools in your area have these programs, and then determine whether they have a clinic that sees clients. This is often a hidden gem – a terrific way to get therapy that many people don’t know about.
Whatever you do, don’t give up until you find a therapist. Therapy can truly change your life for the better!
Television and film depicts the highest echelon of psychotherapy practice. These therapists are in private practice, typically take cash or check only, and treat a specific population – the wealthy. That’s great for the wealthy but what do the other clients of the world do who can’t afford this?
I have found a balance in my work, having a private practice as well as working full-time with the county in which I live. Many people don’t know how many low-fee mental health resources there are available from the state, county, or city in which they live.
If you can’t afford the standard $100-$150 per session fee for the typical therapist in private practice, don’t give up hope altogether. First, conduct an extensive search on the internet. Use search terms like “sliding scale psychotherapy” and “community mental health center,” and include the name of the town or city in which you live. Try other terms like “affordable therapy” and “low cost mental health clinic.”
For years, I did my training at a host of nonprofit agencies where I conducted therapy with clients who could not afford to pay more than $10 per session. In fact, many people are able to get therapy for free. The trick is to figure out how to make that work for YOU.
One final tip I would like to share is to consider investigating whether universities or schools in your area have a therapy training program. While students are obtaining their Masters degree or doctoral degree in psychology or social work, for example, there is often a clinic at their school where they see no cost or low cost clients as a part of their training. Find out whether schools in your area have these programs, and then determine whether they have a clinic that sees clients. This is often a hidden gem – a terrific way to get therapy that many people don’t know about.
Whatever you do, don’t give up until you find a therapist. Therapy can truly change your life for the better!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW
The Business of Being Born
I watched a great documentary this past weekend, which was produced by Ricki Lake. She became interested in birthing alternatives after the hospital birth of her first child. The Business of Being Born airs on Showtime and explores the experience and impact of home versus hospital birth on mothers and their infants. The film follows several pregnant women who choose home births over what has become the “traditional” hospitalized procedure.
I found the film highly informative. Doctors, midwives, and mothers are interviewed about the process of birth. The film briefly touches on the birthing practices in other countries and makes the point that while less than 1% of American births take place at home, the United States has the second highest incidence of infant mortality in the developed world. The diminishing importance of midwifery in the U.S. is examined and explained within a historical context.
Women recount their personal experiences and discuss the emotional repercussions of vaginal versus cesarean birth. This is an important discussion because cesarean births have risen approximately 46% since 1996. The filmmakers make the point that birth is often treated like an event requiring lots of medical intervention when in fact it can often be a very natural process. Doctors and midwives emphasize that cesarean birth—while sometimes absolutely necessary—is major surgery requiring medication and significant recovery time. The effect of cesarean sections on mother-baby bonding and interference in natural hormone production in a mother’s body are discussed. The common use of drugs such as pitocin, which is synthetic oxytocin, in vaginal hospital births, comes under scrutiny.
Such a highly emotional subject is sure to inspire passionate debate. But whatever your feelings regarding home vs. hospital birth, the film is worth seeing if for nothing else than the intimate, profound birthing moments captured on film. Check out the website for more information:
http://www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com
I watched a great documentary this past weekend, which was produced by Ricki Lake. She became interested in birthing alternatives after the hospital birth of her first child. The Business of Being Born airs on Showtime and explores the experience and impact of home versus hospital birth on mothers and their infants. The film follows several pregnant women who choose home births over what has become the “traditional” hospitalized procedure.
I found the film highly informative. Doctors, midwives, and mothers are interviewed about the process of birth. The film briefly touches on the birthing practices in other countries and makes the point that while less than 1% of American births take place at home, the United States has the second highest incidence of infant mortality in the developed world. The diminishing importance of midwifery in the U.S. is examined and explained within a historical context.
Women recount their personal experiences and discuss the emotional repercussions of vaginal versus cesarean birth. This is an important discussion because cesarean births have risen approximately 46% since 1996. The filmmakers make the point that birth is often treated like an event requiring lots of medical intervention when in fact it can often be a very natural process. Doctors and midwives emphasize that cesarean birth—while sometimes absolutely necessary—is major surgery requiring medication and significant recovery time. The effect of cesarean sections on mother-baby bonding and interference in natural hormone production in a mother’s body are discussed. The common use of drugs such as pitocin, which is synthetic oxytocin, in vaginal hospital births, comes under scrutiny.
Such a highly emotional subject is sure to inspire passionate debate. But whatever your feelings regarding home vs. hospital birth, the film is worth seeing if for nothing else than the intimate, profound birthing moments captured on film. Check out the website for more information:
http://www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Mental Health TIP OF THE DAY
For many of us, the practice of keeping a journal or diary is a lost tradition. Though many of us turned to blank pages as children to record our daily events, most of us gave it up as we got older. As you age, life tends to get more complicated and everyday tasks fill most all of our time.
When was the last time you wrote in a journal? Actually, let's start here: Do you even have a journal? Set a goal for yourself in which you get a journal and record one entry per week. There are no 'right' ways to write in a journal - write whatever you feel like writing.
The practice of journaling is a great way to sit with your thoughts at the end of the day and put the day's events into perspective. It also provides endless entertainment for the future when you can look back and read old entries. Try keeping a journal and you will likely find that you love it once you get going!
When was the last time you wrote in a journal? Actually, let's start here: Do you even have a journal? Set a goal for yourself in which you get a journal and record one entry per week. There are no 'right' ways to write in a journal - write whatever you feel like writing.
The practice of journaling is a great way to sit with your thoughts at the end of the day and put the day's events into perspective. It also provides endless entertainment for the future when you can look back and read old entries. Try keeping a journal and you will likely find that you love it once you get going!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Tips for Parents: Raising an Infant
In my work for the Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health, I specialize in a particular type of relationship - the one between a parent and a child. Specifically, the children my work focuses on are on infants and toddlers.
I see many parents struggle as they try to do the best job with their children, and yet it is difficult because parenting is one of the world's most challenging jobs. For parents of infants, there are many resources available to help make the challenge a little easier.
Last week, I attended a conference on the psychological assessment of infants, the goal of which is to ensure healthy development for the infant. I want to tell you about a wonderful resource online that we discussed at the conference. The good news is that you can use this site to cultivate your parenting skills: www.zerotothree.org.
Check out this website and you can find all kinds of resources that relate to infant development. Specifically, look for information on developmental milestones - you can actually investigate on your own whether your child is meeting the developmental milestones that have been established for various stages of infancy.
This is not the only online resource, in fact, for parenting tips on raising infants. If you have a computer at home, spend some time doing searches for websites that focus on raising this particular aged child. You will be astonished at the wealth of information at your fingertips!
I see many parents struggle as they try to do the best job with their children, and yet it is difficult because parenting is one of the world's most challenging jobs. For parents of infants, there are many resources available to help make the challenge a little easier.
Last week, I attended a conference on the psychological assessment of infants, the goal of which is to ensure healthy development for the infant. I want to tell you about a wonderful resource online that we discussed at the conference. The good news is that you can use this site to cultivate your parenting skills: www.zerotothree.org.
Check out this website and you can find all kinds of resources that relate to infant development. Specifically, look for information on developmental milestones - you can actually investigate on your own whether your child is meeting the developmental milestones that have been established for various stages of infancy.
This is not the only online resource, in fact, for parenting tips on raising infants. If you have a computer at home, spend some time doing searches for websites that focus on raising this particular aged child. You will be astonished at the wealth of information at your fingertips!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW
When to End It
Sometimes knowing when to break up is easy. A specific event or dramatic betrayal clearly signals things are over. But frequently knowing when to break up is messy and confusing. Doesn't everyone know a couple who should have called it quits a long time ago but remain together, steadfast in their mutual misery? People waste years in unfulfilling relationships because either they don't know when to pull the plug, or they would rather continue with the familiar than risk the unknown.
Should you breakup? If you don't have a definite answer, then you are probably feeling the pull of conflicting emotions. Wading through this emotional quicksand can feel overwhelming. Although each relationship is unique, answering the following questions may bring you some clarity.
1.) Why you are still involved in the relationship? There isn't a correct answer to this question, however it is important to honestly reflect on your reasons.
2.) How are you feeling? Consider this in terms of both your life in general as well as your relationship. Is your hatred of your job spilling over and coloring your feelings for your partner? Adjust your perspective and look at the context surrounding your relationship.
3.) Why do you want to break up? Try to be a specific as possible.
4.) Are your needs are being met? These may include emotional needs, social needs, sexual needs, etc. No partner can be expected to meet all your needs, but reflect on the role this person fills is your life. (If they aren't filling any needs, then see #1)
5.) Are you willing to work on the relationship? And equally important is the other person motivated for change? Typically one partner is more eager for change than the other but as long as both people are "on board" change can happen.
Although these questions are relatively simple, sometimes the most straight-forward questions give the most valuable insight. If you choose to work through the issues, couples therapy provides a safe space. You are setting aside special time to focus on the relationship and your partner. The therapist will facilitate communication and highlight dynamics that are both ingrained and dysfunctional. The aim of therapy isn't to blame but to help each person to understand where the other is coming from. The goal of therapy isn't always to keep the couple intact. Sometimes couples therapy can facilitate a more graceful ending to the relationship and a sense of closure.
Sometimes knowing when to break up is easy. A specific event or dramatic betrayal clearly signals things are over. But frequently knowing when to break up is messy and confusing. Doesn't everyone know a couple who should have called it quits a long time ago but remain together, steadfast in their mutual misery? People waste years in unfulfilling relationships because either they don't know when to pull the plug, or they would rather continue with the familiar than risk the unknown.
Should you breakup? If you don't have a definite answer, then you are probably feeling the pull of conflicting emotions. Wading through this emotional quicksand can feel overwhelming. Although each relationship is unique, answering the following questions may bring you some clarity.
1.) Why you are still involved in the relationship? There isn't a correct answer to this question, however it is important to honestly reflect on your reasons.
2.) How are you feeling? Consider this in terms of both your life in general as well as your relationship. Is your hatred of your job spilling over and coloring your feelings for your partner? Adjust your perspective and look at the context surrounding your relationship.
3.) Why do you want to break up? Try to be a specific as possible.
4.) Are your needs are being met? These may include emotional needs, social needs, sexual needs, etc. No partner can be expected to meet all your needs, but reflect on the role this person fills is your life. (If they aren't filling any needs, then see #1)
5.) Are you willing to work on the relationship? And equally important is the other person motivated for change? Typically one partner is more eager for change than the other but as long as both people are "on board" change can happen.
Although these questions are relatively simple, sometimes the most straight-forward questions give the most valuable insight. If you choose to work through the issues, couples therapy provides a safe space. You are setting aside special time to focus on the relationship and your partner. The therapist will facilitate communication and highlight dynamics that are both ingrained and dysfunctional. The aim of therapy isn't to blame but to help each person to understand where the other is coming from. The goal of therapy isn't always to keep the couple intact. Sometimes couples therapy can facilitate a more graceful ending to the relationship and a sense of closure.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Mental Health TIP OF THE DAY
Flowers, flowers, flowers!
If you have a yard, go out and cut some flowers and put them in vase in a central area in your house. If you don't have any flowers growing in the yard, take a trip to the store and get some seeds. Flowers can make an incredible difference in your mood - reducing anxiety and stimulating your senses.
If you live in a condo or apartment, create a $3 budget per week for some flowers. Do this for one consecutive month and I promise you will experience the positive effect of flowers on your mood!
If you have a yard, go out and cut some flowers and put them in vase in a central area in your house. If you don't have any flowers growing in the yard, take a trip to the store and get some seeds. Flowers can make an incredible difference in your mood - reducing anxiety and stimulating your senses.
If you live in a condo or apartment, create a $3 budget per week for some flowers. Do this for one consecutive month and I promise you will experience the positive effect of flowers on your mood!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Rebound Relationships: Are They Always Bad for You?
The issue of rebound relationships is not as clear-cut as you might guess. It would be easy to say that all rebound relationships are unhealthy because you haven’t given yourself time to mourn the end the relationship you just ended.
If you’re starving for a good generalization, it’s safe to eat this one for breakfast: As a rule, rebounds are bad news. However, this generalization fails to take into account the fact that the relationship one just ended may have been over for a long time prior to the official end. In other words, a man can be in a relationship and be mourning the loss that it is ending prior to the actual end of the relationship. In some relationships, the love and connection died a long time ago, and the two people simply stay together to avoid the upsetting breakup words.
For these individuals, they may seek out another relationship soon after. That relationship is not necessarily going to be unhealthy provided that he or she did the work to make sense of why the last relationship failed. This work, I must emphasize, must be done prior to beginning the next relationship.
Looking at the picture from this angle, it becomes apparent that you must define what a rebound relationship is, because not all relationships that begin soon after the previous one ended are actually rebound relationships. What defines a rebound relationship is the fact that you have worked through the issues of your last relationship so that you can avoid bringing them into your next one.
As long as your next relationship is not a rebound relationship and you have learned from your previous relationship, you are poised to find a relationship that will actually work for you!
If you’re starving for a good generalization, it’s safe to eat this one for breakfast: As a rule, rebounds are bad news. However, this generalization fails to take into account the fact that the relationship one just ended may have been over for a long time prior to the official end. In other words, a man can be in a relationship and be mourning the loss that it is ending prior to the actual end of the relationship. In some relationships, the love and connection died a long time ago, and the two people simply stay together to avoid the upsetting breakup words.
For these individuals, they may seek out another relationship soon after. That relationship is not necessarily going to be unhealthy provided that he or she did the work to make sense of why the last relationship failed. This work, I must emphasize, must be done prior to beginning the next relationship.
Looking at the picture from this angle, it becomes apparent that you must define what a rebound relationship is, because not all relationships that begin soon after the previous one ended are actually rebound relationships. What defines a rebound relationship is the fact that you have worked through the issues of your last relationship so that you can avoid bringing them into your next one.
As long as your next relationship is not a rebound relationship and you have learned from your previous relationship, you are poised to find a relationship that will actually work for you!
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