Mental Health TIP OF THE DAY

Now that the weather is getting warmer and the calendar has turned to spring, it's a great time to incorporate a peaceful walk after dinner. I know that many of you are so exhausted from activities of the day, and doing one more thing sounds like a chore. However, take five or ten minutes and go for a walk around the block. You'll feel better when you get moving after a meal, and the few minutes of a short evening walk are a great way to decompress after a long day!

How to Talk to Your Children About Drugs & Alcohol

It’s a harsh reality in today’s world that teenagers are turning to drugs and alcohol in record numbers. It has become commonplace for kids to have some friends over and celebrate with six-packs when their parents go away for the night. Even more disturbing is the fact that teenagers are using drugs – marijuana, cocaine, and others – and that this has become socially acceptable or expected in some young social circles.

I remember my younger brother telling me when he was in high school that some kids on his soccer team were using cocaine. This is hard to imagine given how young and impressionable kids are – they have their whole lives ahead of them!

It is critical that you have open conversations with your children about drugs and alcohol. The $64,000 question: How do you do this? In a nutshell, you do it gently and honestly, without resorting to threats or ultimatums. Never tell your children “If I ever catch you using drugs or alcohol, so help you God!” You want to convey your message with seriousness but you shouldn’t say something that will turn you into the monster.

Sit your kids down and ask them if they know kids who use drugs or alcohol. Don’t begin with an interrogation of their own behavior – “So do you use them?” You must approach this topic gently. Ask them how common this stuff is at parties in high school and ask them why they think drugs and alcohol are so popular. Give them a chance to talk and simply listen in a nonjudgmental manner. Remember that this is a two-way conversation - not a trip to court.

Tell your children why you worry about kids, in general, using drugs or alcohol. Tell them that they have the rest of their lives ahead of them and that sometimes kids make bad decisions when they are intoxicated. You don’t need to overplay the illegal card – your kids know what is illegal. Here is the most important part: Tell your children that you want them to come to you if they ever find themselves in a situation where there is drugs or alcohol around, or where they have gotten into trouble themselves. Tell them you would rather they call you and get you out of bed at night than call someone else.

Explain to your children that life is hard and that growing up involves all kinds of decisions that are not always easy to make. Peer pressure is a challenge for kids, so talk to them about whether they have felt peer pressure before. In the end, talking to your children about drugs and alcohol is really an opportunity to remind your children that you are on the same team and that you want the absolute best for them.

Communication Tips & Conflict Resolution

Regardless of who you’re arguing with, whether friend, partner, family member or co-worker, this so-called crime is committed every day by countless individuals who later regret it. I’m talking about name-calling when you’re in the heat of the moment and you use severe terminology to make your ultimate point.

The first thing that may come to your mind is the notion that I’m talking about name-calling that involves swear words or profane language. The reality is that hurtful name-calling doesn’t require profane language. Calling someone an “idiot,” for example, can have a long-lasting consequence in a relationship.

The problem during arguments occurs when one or both begin name-calling and use blanket terms to describe the other. Saying to someone “you’re such a…” or exclaiming “what a…” sums the other up in a negative way and dismisses them altogether. While some people can brush off names and defend against feeling hurt by them, others feel particularly sensitive to this. In fact, being called a name by someone you know can cause hurt that exacerbates the pre-existing argument. In this case, you’ve got even more to fight about.

A good rule of thumb as you’re arguing is to try to stay focused on the very thing you started arguing about in the first place. Name calling simply creates more problems and adds new things to argue about. Ultimately, each person ends up feeling more angry and hurt, and so they seek refuge in private corners.

When you’re having an argument, let yourself express your feelings but try to keep your eye on the ball. When it comes to the person you are arguing with, you will most likely still maintain a relationship with them after the argument is over. Accordingly, you need to avoid name-calling and learn to argue more responsibly.

Guest Blogger: Amanda Kane, LSW

Mr. Right—Potbelly Included

Steve Harvey appeared on Oprah the other day. He promoted his new book, Act Like A Lady and Think Like a Man and gave advice to the all-female audience. I found Mr. Harvey's commentary on relationship dynamics both hysterical and insightful. A female guest who was seeking relationship advice revealed that she had a list of requirements for her future "Mr. Right." This immediately reminded me of a friend that keeps a similar list. Steve Harvey praised the general idea of these kinds of lists because "you have to have standards." But he cautioned that list makers should possess the same qualities they expect in a mate.

This brings me back to my friend whose list for her Mr. Right includes "must be ivy league educated" and "cannot have a potbelly" among other requirements. Now my friend is single, in her late thirties, not ivy league educated, and desperately wants to have a child. She has created the list because she wants to have standards, but the list has become so specific and extensive that almost no man can fulfill it. Until recently she has remained committed to these rigid prerequisites. But lately she began to reflect on some of the more superficial requirements. She realized that a potbelly can be changed and having a Burberry trench coat is negotiable.

Recognize that creating a list of ideal attributes is not the same as not ordering a product from a catalogue. Consider a person's compensatory qualities before tossing them back into the dating pool. It may be a good idea to rank the most important qualities in a mate to get an idea about what is most vital to you. Does your future husband need to love children? Does your future wife need to be career minded? Can you cope with someone who smokes? Does your list (or heart) have any room for flexibility? If not, why not? I'm a supporter of visualizing what you want to get out of life. Lists are great because they focus your attention (they remind you of your standards) and your intention (how to get what you want). But don't let a list rule your life!

Why It's So Hard To Quit Smoking

For anyone who has ever been a smoker, there is a clear and definitive understanding of one thing: Smoking is hard to give up. I have been a smoker on and off for years, and am sad to say that I have returned to my full-blown smoking ways in the past year. I could say that this is due to the stress of working so hard, or justify it in some other way. The reality is that I have come to see something that is essentially self-destructive as a comfort. This is the root of the problem.

The reason why smokers have a terrible time quitting is because they come to see the cigarette as a sort of friend, or a crutch that they can rely on. This is the real tragedy because cigarettes are more like the body's enemy. If Freud were alive today, he would relate the need to smoke to oral fixation and assert that smokers' socioemotional development was arrested at a very young age. I believe Freud would be wrong to paint such a broad canvas with only one stroke.

Smokers smoke for different reasons - some out of anxiety, others out of depression, and perhaps some out of simple boredom. The bottom line is that most smokers smoke because they get some relief from this habit. Given this fact, how can smokers quit?

Research shows that quitting smoking is possible by means of many different techniques - using the patch or nicotine gum for a short period, visualization exercises, smoking cessation groups, and perhaps even by trying hypnosis. While these are the traditional techniques, I would add that smokers must stop allowing themselves to see their cigarettes as comforts in order to quit for good.

I am going to try to quit this year - and I have set a date in June. I am getting ready for it. Very soon, when I go to smoke a cigarette, with each puff I am going to say out loud just how dangerous this habit is. I am hoping that sense of comfort then starts to subside!

HOT TOPIC: What Natasha Richardson's Death Means to Us

It's difficult to deny how upsetting the death of actress Natasha Richardson has been. Richardson, who suffered a head trauma this week and died soon after, was only 45 years old. In today's world, doesn't 45 seem so young?

Whenever we hear about a tragedy involving a celebrity, I always wonder if we care more because the individual was famous. Certainly we tell ourselves that we would care as much about anyone, but replayed images of glamour on television are effective in convincing us that the death of someone famous somehow seems more significant than your average Joe Blow.

Let's take it for granted that we're communally sad not because she was a celebrity, but because the accident - the fall - sounds so innocent without a lot of information. One thing is certain, hearing this story made me pause to think about my loved ones. How many times per day do you hang up the phone after talking to your spouse, sure that you'll have a few more conversation before you see each other at home later? For those of you whose parents live far away, when was the last time you flew home to spend a little extra time with them?

It is upsetting to think that someone else's tragedy serves to remind the rest of us of a terribly important lesson - live each day as if it's the last and never take your loved ones for granted. For the family of Natasha Richardson, they have only her memory and spirit. For those of you whose loved ones remain in our physical presence, you have the gift of reminding them how grateful you are to have them in your life each and every day.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

What Does Money Mean to You?

Money is the #1 reason that marriage ends in divorce. Clearly, the topic of finance is fraught with emotion, but why? Part of the reason may be because whether you are Oprah or an unemployed magician, money plays a vital role in your life. We constantly have to interact with money—it is unavoidable.

Money is loaded with symbolism. It can signify security, self-worth, ownership, or freedom among many possible meanings. We learn attitudes about money in our childhood and carry them into our adult partnerships. How did your parents deal with it? Was one person a saver while the other was more of a spender? Did you grow up listening to your parents argue about finances? It behooves us to reflect on our attitudes about money and how these play out in our lives.

During childhood we learn the difference between a necessity and a luxury. Since everyone’s upbringing is different, romantic partnerships can challenge these long-held beliefs. But what if you feel that going out to a weekly movie is a necessity, but your partner views it as a luxury? It is important, although sometimes very difficult, to attempt to see the issue from your partner’s perspective. Discussing the issue will ideally lead to some sort of compromise.

Compromising is sometimes easier said than done. It doesn’t mean that one partner gives in to the other. It means that the couple together works out a solution that is acceptable to both parties. You don’t want the solution to satisfy one person while the other stews with unmet needs and resentment. Couples need to discuss money and financial issues and not simply assume that general compatibility always translates into financial compatibility.

Discussing money can be a taboo—even between intimate partners. It is important for couples to break the silence and frankly discuss—not only the concrete nuts and bolts of finances—but also the associated feelings. You may want more money, but beyond that, what does it really mean to you? Sharing your feelings and learning to compromise on financial matters can forge intimacy and understanding that will ultimately permeate other aspects of your relationship.

Dr. Seth On GOOD MORNING AMERICA

This Thursday, March 19, watch my appearance on ABC News' Good Morning America detween 8-9 a.m. The subject is infidelity and you will be interested to learn about the website that is the focus of the segment.

Dr. Seth: Back From Vacation

After a week in the sunny Caribbean, I am back to reality. When I returned, my Tivo was full of recorded programs detailing the domestic violence dispute between two popular singers, Rihanna and Chris Brown. I can't say enough about how important this coverage is.

Typically, I am one of the voices who criticizes the media for overindulging in stories that aren't important for us to know too much about (e.g., Anna Nicole Smith, the mother of octuplets). It's a breath of fresh air to see the media spend so much time on something that is often a dark, hidden secret - domestic violence.

If you are a parent, I urge you to use this situation as a sprningboard for discussion in your own home. The danger with this particular situation is that both singers involved in the alleged incident are stars whom young people look up to. This is a great time to talk to your children about how celebrity is simply a myth and that we should not idealize the behavior of anyone whom we don't truly know.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Are you in need of a vacation? For many Americans, the answer is a resounding "yes!" Unfortunately, the strained economy has put the kibosh on travel plans for many people. And let us not forget that those Americans who are overdue for a vacation may feel disinclined to take it. Feeling that your job may be in jeopardy does not make people feel comfortable leaving the office for long (or even short) periods of time. You may be shocked to learn (insert sarcastic tone) that many employees repeatedly check their business email and voice mail during time away from the office. Work permeates much of our downtime.

And you have probably heard the anecdotal evidence that time spent engaged in leisure activities is shrinking with each passing year. The Harris Poll is a yearly survey that tracks American leisure time. The 2008 Harris Poll found that the median number of hours Americans spend per week on leisure activities has dropped a whopping 20% from 2007 to 2008! In 1973, when the Harris Poll began, Americans enjoyed about 26 hours per week of leisure time. The most recent 2008 survey found that we currently spend only about 16 hours per week involved in leisure activities.

Obviously, many employees have no other choice than to work two jobs or stay an extra hour at the office. People have real financial troubles and worry about feeding their kids and paying the mortgage. If your spouse gets laid off from work then you can't exactly start booking a trip to Jamaica. People are dealing with a terrible period of economic upheaval—a time of crisis when people force themselves to do what needs to be done. But the general trend in the American workforce is troubling and not simply a result of this recent economic turn down. I fear that being in a kind of constant work mode is becoming the norm. If we don't see our neighbors putting the Blackberry down, then how can we feel okay about doing it? Americans have forgotten the importance of—not only vacation—leisure time in general.

All of this work takes a toll on our sleep, our relationships, and our quality of life. Tough economic times may force many workers to put in extra time at the office, but it is important to remember that this period of intense work should be finite. Everyone needs a break—to process feelings, watch the sunset, play golf or whatever. These are not simply luxurious pursuits. These are the necessary activities that fuel our energy reserves, which then allow us to return to work and be productive.

I constantly see clients who are burned out but feel guilty if they take any time for themselves. If you can identify with this sentiment, then you might want to take some time and reflect on why you have difficulty putting yourself ahead of others. It might help to journal about these feelings or talk to a close friend or a therapist. Of course reflecting on this topic will require you to set aside time for yourself—but that’s the point!

And even if you can’t plan a vacation, because of financial reasons or other constraints, at least make it a priority to make you leisure time sacred. Build time into your everyday routine for the hobbies that you enjoy. Even if you only have five minutes to yourself, spend that time meditating or doing some deep breathing. While it may be a stretch to call this true leisure time, taking a mini break will help you stay in touch with yourself and reduce your stress. Try to cut out unnecessary obligations. Prioritize fun. It’s serious business!

Dr. Seth: ON VACTION

Ladies and gentlemen, I am taking a much needed break this next week to hit the sandy beaches of the Caribbean. However, my blog shop's window won't have a "Closed" sign hanging in the window. Instead, Amanda Kane, Wednesday's Guest Blogger, will bring you a new article in a few days. Have a great week everyone and I will give you a report of my travels when I return!

Dr. Seth's TIP OF THE DAY

Each of us works hard at what we do, and too many of us don't get the appreciation we deserve. Take a moment today and pay a compliment to your boss. As long as he or she isn't a boss straight out of The Vevil Wears Prada, your boss deserves to hear something nice every once in a while. When you pay your compliment, say something about the way he or she supervises or manages. It sounds simple but it's true: It can often make you feel better to make someone else feel better!

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Why Do Victims of Domestic Abuse Return to Their Abusers?

There isn't a simple answer to this question. The issue of domestic violence is an emotionally evocative topic. First, it is important to note that domestic abuse victims can be male or female. We may automatically think of females as the victims, but men are also victims of abuse--both in heterosexual and homosexual relationships.

And if media coverage is an indicator, the public can't stop talking about the alleged assault of Rhianna by Chris Brown. The recently leaked police photo of Rhianna has only added fuel to public discourse and reactions of shock, disgust, sadness, and anger among others. Domestic violence is an emotionally loaded topic for many reasons. In part because we often have a difficult time understanding why victims of domestic violence return to their abusers. Of course every relationship is unique but there are some common themes.

Frequently, the victim believes that the abuse will stop. They want to believe that the abuse was an isolated event. Victims may not recognize the connection between physical abuse and other types of emotional and verbal abuse. Victims frequently mistake controlling for caring and are unable to distinguish between them. Sometimes victims may believe that they did something to "deserve it." The abuser may even overtly blame them for causing the abuse. People in abusive relationships may have been exposed to unhealthy relationships in their childhood, which contributes to their skewed perception. Abusive relationships may seem "normal" because they are familiar.

Other reasons that victims of domestic abuse stay with abusers include financial and or emotional dependence. Also, it is not unusual for the victim to fear for his or her life. Despite the abuse there are usually compelling pros to the relationship, which keep the couple together. Sometimes children are involved in the situation and this becomes another connection between romantic partners. And remember, the abuser can appear remorseful and at times be affectionate and charming.

Although it can be difficult to understand the complex forces that contribute to victims sustaining abusive relationships, it is important to develop empathy for them. It is very sad for the victim to believe (either consciously or unconsciously) that holding onto the relationship is worth the personal cost. Staying in an abusive relationship negatively affects a person's self-esteem, which in turn affects all aspects of their life. If a victim doesn't feel that they truly deserve a healthy relationship then they are unlikely to seek it. It then becomes increasingly difficult for the victim to break free from the abusive relationship.

It is unpopular to argue that we develop some empathy for the abuser, but I feel that is important as well. People who abuse others are wholly responsible for their actions--don't get me wrong--but it is important to consider how they learned to use this kind of violence against others. How deeply powerless and out-of-control must someone feel to lash out against those they love? It is totally inexcusable but also tragic.

Both partners in an abusive relationship are participating in a dynamic that needs professional intervention. Abuse victims are not at fault and do not deserve to be abused, but they should reflect on their motivations for sustaining the relationship. Discussing their situation with a therapist is a step in the right direction. It reinforces the healthy part of them, which recognizes that they deserve to be heard and that their feelings are valid.

Moms of the World: How to Ask for Help

Because moms provide the fuel that makes the world go 'round, moms are extra susceptible to burnout. As a clinical psychologist in private practice, I have learned the hard way about burnout – giving can be wonderful, but it can also be draining. Moms have unique struggles, often carrying the burden of raising the children, running the household, and often even having paying jobs outside the home. I am offering some suggestions to help lessen your load a little so that you can reduce your own burnout.

How often do you ask for help in your daily routine? You’ve got ten million things to do, and you may feel like being a ‘good’ mom means that you should be doing it all yourself. More than that, you may feel that you should be doing it well. I have learned in my own life to use the following mantra and to repeat it to myself throughout the day: “Something always has to give.” When you feel overloaded, try coming up with an expression – a mantra – that you can say to yourself to silence what I call your HIGH STANDARDS DEMONDS.

The reality is that everyone – supermoms included – has a breaking point. You can get tired and run-down, stressed about money and how the children are doing, and worried about how you’ll keep up with everything you’ve got to do. The important point is to know that you have limits and learn to realize when you’re reaching your own boiling point. The boiling point often coincides with feeling particularly tired, stressed, or irritable. When you’ve reached this point, it’s time to ask for help.

The first order of business is to call a family meeting. Explain to your family – even the little ones you’re responsible for – that you are run-down and need a little extra help to get you through this phase. You can tell your husband or partner the details, and explain in simple terms to your children that you are overwhelmed. With the kids, say something like “Mom has been doing so much she feels really tired.” This is an important life lesson that you are teaching your children – that you are human and that everyone has limits. In your family meeting, ask your family what they can do to pitch in a little extra with some of the chores and obligatins. Ask your husband if he wouldn’t mind doing the grocery shopping for the next two weeks, or if he can put the kids to bed a couple nights or help with homework so that you can have some down time and take a bath.

In addition to your family, call a couple friends and ask if they can help you out a little for the time being. Assure them that you will return the favor when they get a little run-down, too. Ask a friend if she can pick the kids up at school a day or two this week, or ask a friend if she can drop off some food at your house for dinner. Again, something always has to give.

Thinking longer-term, it might be a good idea to start a carpool with other moms if you haven’t done so already. If you already have a carpool set up, it might be worth considering adding another mom or two to the carpool list. Make a deal with a friend that if both of you have to make some cupcakes for an event, you’ll switch off with that responsibility so that each of you doesn’t have to bake for every single event. Finally, when was the last time you asked an extended family member – parent, sibling, whomever – to come stay with the kids for the weekend so that you and your husband can take a weekend off and recharge your batteries? If it’s been a while, get out your daily planner and start setting it up.

Moms, you deserve a break. The problem is that nobody is going to hand it to you on a platter, so you need to put the word out that it’s time for you to get a little help.

HOT TOPIC: Octu-Mom - America’s Methamphetamine

Nationally known publicist Howard Brackman – known for bailing out Tinseltown stars in steel cells – recently told the Los Angeles Times that the ubiquity of the Octu-Mom reflects America’s intrigue with watching personalities who have gone a little crazy. I think there’s some truth to his comment. On the highway, America slows down to witness the carnage of a car accident, and we do the same thing as we watch television.

In some ways, this is Anna Nicole Smith all over again. The media couldn’t dish out enough of that story, and the media hasn’t yet stopped with the Octu-Mom. Here’s my concern – aren’t we on the verge of a Depression? If you remember the coverage of Anna Nicole Smith’s death, you should also place it in time with a terrible time for our country at war. It’s like everyone forgot that as they tuned in to images and sound bites depicting someone whose life couldn’t have been further from their own.

How long will it take us to rip ourselves away from watching the accident? How long do we remain in our self-induced media coma until we realize how predictably we interfere with our own futures? Just think how many letters the viewing audience could have written to their Congressmen about the stimulus package or moving more troops to Afghanistan while they chose, instead, to sleep-watch another mindless segment on television about the Octu-Mom.

It’s a pet peeve of mine when people blame the media – hey, we are the cat-like fools lapping up the media’s milk. The most frustrating part is that our fascination with these absurd stories is always directly proportional to the severity of what’s going on socio-politically. The more dire the economic or political situation, the more we escape by following an insane story. True, the Octu-Mom as a symbol intersects enough hot button issues that it was destined to be a story, but the gravity of today’s climate intensifies our voracious appetite for her story. How many Anna Nicole’s and Octu-Moms will it take for us to learn and to see our communal pathology for what it is?

In the same way that stress triggers the symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, a dire economic and political climate kick-starts our own compulsive reaction – turn on the television and focus on something absurd. In these moments when our lives are faced with layoffs, lost retirements, and other woes, we self-medicate with the Octu-Mom. Yes, for a minute, her story brings up interesting questions about important issues. Weeks later, however, our interest become more like an addiction. In reality, we’re no sicker than the meth addict off to find his dealer on a late-night run.

Watching train wrecks is America’s compulsion when things get bad. Call me crazy, but my suggestion is that we see this predictable cycle for what it is and kick it to the curb before our obsession with insanity catapults us there, too.