Guest Blogger: AMANDA KANE, LSW

SAD: Real or Fictitious Disorder?

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a legitimate affliction tied to depression.
SAD indicates a pattern of depressive symptomatology during certain times of year, usually the winter months. It is characterized by multiple symptoms including a persistently depressed, sad, and/or irritable mood. Sufferers may experience overwhelming fatigue, appetite and sleeping changes, and an inability to enjoy activities that were once pleasurable.

Many people recognize that their mood is affected by the weather. Sub clinical "winter blues" are a milder and a much more common version of SAD. Mild depressive symptoms can frequently be treated with increased exercise and exposure to sunlight. Despite the cold weather in many parts of the country, breaking a sweat with a cardio workout such as brisk walking, skiing, or jogging can really improve mood. If you find that these interventions are not enough, consider speaking to a therapist or a medical doctor about additional treatment options.

for additional information:

http://www.nami.org

New Year’s Resolutions: Smart or Silly Idea?

The quickest answer to this question: New Year’s Resolutions are only silly if you make them but later don’t keep them.

It’s probably not surprising that I, as a clinical psychologist, advocate regular goal-setting and maintaining a solution-focused approach to solving problems. Accordingly, I think it’s a great idea to make a few New Year’s Resolutions that are behaviorally oriented, specific, and easy to begin working towards right away.

One of my pet peeves is goal-setting that is vague and over-arching (e.g., “I want to be a better person”). Life is too short and we shouldn’t waste time by deluding ourselves that we can change the most fundamental aspects of who we are. Yet the reality is that there are many things we can change as long as we focus on what is most easily changeable: our behaviors.

Make two or three resolutions for the new year that are simple and specific, and mark the calendar with a few check-in dates to remind you to take inventory throughout the year of your progress towards your behavioral goals. Focus on resolutions that are realistic so that you don’t set yourself up to fail and feel even worse in the end. Bottom line: you can change but you must trudge through some uncomfortable feelings to truly make it happen.

The Perfect Holiday Gift for Co-Workers

The list of people with whom you interact on a professional basis is probably very long, but that list gets quite short when it comes to the people you work with on a daily basis. For these individuals, you probably find yourself buying something for them around the holidays as a token of your affection and appreciation.

The problem: You’ve already got a laundry list of gifts to buy for friends and family, so the added need to buy gifts for co-workers can often feel like a chore. It’s easy to get stuck trying to find the right item for your co-worker, or wondering just how much to spend on each gift. Rather than add to your stress, choosing the same gift for all of your co-workers is a democratic way to navigate the gift-giving process.

One of the gifts that is most appreciated and easiest to give is a holiday gift baked from your own kitchen. It only takes a couple of hours to throw several dozens of cookies in the oven, and you can be sure that this gift will get used! Ultimately, baking for your co-workers provides you with a gift to give and, more importantly, sends the message that you gave them something truly valuable as a sign of your appreciation – your time.

GUEST BLOGGER: AMANDA KANE, LSW

Athlete of the Year

I'm amending my previous posting about the Tiger Woods scandal. Since it was written, many more mistresses have taken their relationship with Tiger public. I regret calling the story of infidelity “relatively mundane” because it does appear to be fairly extraordinary given the number (9 billion to be exact) of women who are claiming to know Mr. Woods in the biblical sense.

Tiger’s infidelity makes us pause and question his judgment for many reasons. It appears as if the affairs were fairly flagrant due to the rather high volume of communication (texts, picture texts, phone calls) between himself and the women.
Did he really think that he would never get caught? Why would someone with so much to lose gamble it all time and time again?

The media has mentioned the term “sex addiction” in relation to the situation. It is impossible to diagnosis Tiger from an internet arm chair, but one of the hallmarks of any addiction is the maintenance of a double life. Imagine the amount of time and energy involved in juggling multiple romantic partners (and keeping all of them secret) while maintaining your status as one of the greatest athletes of all time? Exhausting. What kind of athlete would he have been if he had less extra-curricular interests?

How to Argue Effectively

In a word, all you have to do is validate to get somewhere when you're arguing. I am offering here the 411 on validation. The word 'validation' gets thrown around like a beach ball in the summer, but it's important that you understand what it means. Quite simply, it's another word for 'listening.'

Sometimes we over-think things and make them more complicated than necessary. In an argument or disagreement, you must show the other person you are listening to what he or she is saying. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with it, but you must listen if you want to maintain any kind of working relationship with that person later.

Too often, people get heated in an argument and it turns into a power struggle that everyone wants to win. Say "see ya" to this adolescent wish and move on to the more adult compromise - flexibility.

The next time you have an argument with someone, validate that person's feelings simply by listening. Hear them out and you will find that they can move on a little more quickly. In addition, you will find that person become a little less angry and frustrated, and this, in turn, will help you to step down from your own anger stance. Practice makes perfect, so make an extra effort to listen the next time you're in the middle of a heated spat.

Dr. Seth: New Book in April/2010

While Dr. Seth's own first book will be published later in 2010, he has written an essay that will be published in the new book Creating A Marriage You'll Love. This new book will be out in April of 2010. You can find it online or at your local bookstore.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

When to End It

Sometimes knowing when to break up is easy. A specific event or dramatic betrayal clearly signals things are over. But frequently, knowing when to break up is messy and confusing. Doesn't everyone know a couple who should have called it quits a long time ago but remain together, steadfast in their mutual misery? People waste years in unfulfilling relationships because either they don't know when to pull the plug, or they would rather continue with the familiar than risk the unknown.

Should you breakup? If you don't have a definite answer, then you are probably feeling the pull of conflicting emotions. Wading through this emotional quicksand can feel overwhelming. Although each relationship is unique, answering the following questions may bring you some clarity.

1.) Why you are still involved in the relationship? There isn't a correct answer to this question, however it is important to honestly reflect on your reasons.

2.) How are you feeling? Consider this in terms of both your life in general as well as your relationship. Is your hatred of your job spilling over and coloring your feelings for your partner? Adjust your perspective and look at the context surrounding your relationship.

3.) Why do you want to break up? Try to be a specific as possible.

4.) Are your needs are being met? These may include emotional needs, social needs, sexual needs, etc. No partner can be expected to meet all your needs, but reflect on the role this person fills is your life. (If they aren't filling any needs, then see #1)

5.) Are you willing to work on the relationship? And equally important is the other person motivated for change? Typically one partner is more eager for change than the other but as long as both people are "on board" change can happen.

Although these questions are relatively basic, sometimes the most straight-forward questions give the most valuable insight. If you choose to work through the issues, couples therapy provides a safe space. You are setting aside special time to focus on the relationship and your partner. The therapist will facilitate communication and highlight dynamics that are both ingrained and dysfunctional. The aim of therapy isn't to blame but to help each person to understand where the other is coming from. The goal of therapy isn't always to keep the couple intact. Sometimes couples therapy can facilitate a more graceful ending to the relationship and a sense of closure.

Film Review: The Blind Side

The new film, The Blind Side, directed by John Lee Hancock and starring Sandra Bullock, has shot straight to blockbuster status after only a couple of weeks at the box office. The film’s premise may not seem so blockbuster-like, given that it’s a drama that focuses on the special relationship between a foster mother and foster son. However, the film hits all the right notes with a few touching surprises, leaving no surprise to its audience that it has been received so well across the country.

If you have already seen the film, my guess is that you enjoyed it. I can tell you emphatically that I thought it was terrific and liked it more than I imagined I would based on the sentimental and somewhat syrupy trailer. If you haven’t yet seen The Blind Side, it’s a great film that you can take a friend or even your family to and share an intimate cinematic experience.

The film encourages the audience to think about charity in a very real sense, nearly asking you directly “How far would you go in helping another person?” The film does a wonderful job of simultaneously exposing stereotypes and rendering them ridiculous. I strongly believe that a film is good if it creates a character you’ll never forget and makes you think about life outside of your own specific circumstances. The Blind Side succeeds on these two important levels, and it’s an added bonus that you leave the theater feeling happier and more sensitive than you felt walking into it.

Independent Couples vs. Codependent Couples

Call me an overly analytical psychologist, but one of the things I find fascinating is seeing how many different kinds of couples there are. Couples have all different kinds of relationship dynamics, and you can often see them on the surface when you socialize with them.

One thing that has always struck me is watching how couples vary in terms of how much they socialize together and how much they socialize apart. You know some couples where you almost never see one without the other, while you can think of another couple where the opposite is true. Is there a 'right' level of independence couples should have? How much is too much time to spend together? What is an unhealthy level of independence in a couple?

Usually, any therapist will tell you there is no 'right' way to be about anything. In this case, I disagree somewhat. I think there is a bit of a right answer. While I acknowledge that there is a spectrum, I also acknowledge that people lose themselves (their interests, ambitions, and uniqueness) when they spend all their time with one person. You can't fuse with another and expect to remain a separate entity. You need to have some level of independence within a couple to be healthy. This does not include going to work! Yes, that is time apart, but not time by choice. Couples who eat together, sleep together, go to church together, do everything socially together, blah, blah, blah, make me nervous.

In my clinical work, I have found that couples who do everything together secretly feel claustrophobic in the relationship and wish they had a little more breathing room. The claustrophobic feelings later morph into other problems and the relationship starts going south. If you are in a relationship, why not use this opportunity to have a discussion with your partner and ask him or her about their thoughts on this issue? Sometimes opening up the discussion can help people feel more free to elaborate when the discussion topic gets a little uncomfortable.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Reflections on the Tiger Woods Drama

It has been less than a week since story of Tiger Woods and his driveway car crash hit the news, but the ensuing drama has already been digested by our collective consciousness. Proof of this can be found in the jokes already making the email rounds. I heard one today --

Media outlets report that during the evening of the crash Tiger Woods' wife, Elin, struck his SUV eight or nine times with a golf club. But when the cops asked how many times she hit the car, she answered, "put me down for a six."

This is a golfer's joke for sure. The interesting aspect of the joke is that it exists at all. The public is fixated on this relatively mundane story of relationship upheaval. The Tiger Woods drama/car accident/infidelity allegation has survived multiple news cycles and continues to thrive. Obviously, the media wouldn't continue to report on a story that didn't satisfy our vicarious curiosity and desire for lurid details. So, why do we care about Tiger Woods' love life (or any celebrity for that matter)?

Maybe because we idolize celebrities and believe, on some level, that they are superhuman and different (better?) than us. Tiger's clean cut, polished image and incredible athletic prowess are at odds with the current revelations regarding his love life. How can someone with such a special, almost inhuman gift (the greatest golfer that ever lived!) blatantly cheat on his wife and send naughty texts to a cocktail waitress in Vegas? The dissonance makes our heads spin with excitement. How can someone so special also be so ordinary?

Like the countless other celebrities that have crashed and burned in scandal, Tiger will rise from the ashes to secure even more endorsements and mend his tattered public image. Because nothing endears us to an icon like watching them fall off that pedestal and finding out that they are just like us.