Black Friday: Curb Impulsive Spending

Nothing brings out the impulsive shopper in each of us quite like Black Friday, the day following Thanksgiving when stores pull every trick in the playbook to seduce us to spend money we may not have. Think for a minute about the economy: It still ain't pretty, yet we all know at least one item that we would push our economic limits to acquire.

I must admit that this morning I nearly made a decision to purchase online a television 1) I truly don't need and 2)which is far larger than necessary. It's almost as if on Black Friday we forget the limits of our bank account and the larger picture - how the economy is still in the toilet and our own jobs are still relatively fragile.

So...this Black Friday, be careful and don't overindulge!

On My Bookshelf: Debbie Robins' Kick-Ass Advice

Check out the new book by bestselling author Debbie Robins which tells it like it is, dishing out advice that is clear and direct when it comes to life's most difficult problems. Armed with a degree in spiritual psychology, she manages a keep-it-real tone as she outlines strategies on how to retrieve one’s balance, peace, and happiness when life throws you a curve ball.

Check this book out today at your local bookstore or through an online retailer, and you will find the kind of clear advice you need!

Thanksgiving Cooking: It's All About Intimacy

Lately it seems all everybody can talk about is the holidays. The reason is simple enough: the clock shifts into a manic race against time and your shopping list seems to get longer by the day. Fortunately we have Thanksgiving about a month before Christmas, an innocent little holiday that acts like an appetizer to the mega meal we call Christmas.

Part of what makes Thanksgiving particularly special is that it is more about eating and celebrating than exchanging gifts. To make this Thanksgiving more special for you, cook or bake something for the group with whom you’ll share the holiday. While this may be a no-brainer for some, for others cooking or baking is simply not in their weekly repertoires of routines. For these men and women, picking something up at the store or having the meal catered seems easier.

For those of you who traditionally opt for the store-bought route, try preparing something yourself for your loved ones this year. Don’t fret: there’s no need to create a culinary perfection, as if straight from the kitchen of the Barefoot Contessa. Instead, focus on the meaning: cooking and baking for others is an intimate gesture which others appreciate far more than anything made by a stranger.

If you focus on what makes Thanksgiving special – homemade food and the company of friends and family – you’ll be less likely to buy store-bought items and more likely to set a date with the appliances in your own kitchen. If you only make one item, choose a staple that’s easy – mashed potatoes or green beans – and you’ll see just how much your efforts are appreciated.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

A Holiday Reminder...


Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, the Winter Solstice...the holidays simultaneously bring mirth and stress. Finding the perfect gift, baking Christmas cookies, marinating the turkey—as well as countless other activities—can easily take over every moment of free time from now until January. Even during the busiest times, it is important to set aside some quiet time with your romantic partner.

Taking some time to reconnect to your loved one allows you to tune into each other and tune out some of the holiday noise. Consider taking a short after dinner walk with your husband or wife. I think a brief evening jaunt is perfect because it gets the couple out of the house and away from distractions (like the phone and kids). It can be as long or as brief as you wish.

But don't just talk daily "business" with your spouse. (And by "business" I mean who is carpooling this weekend or what little Timmy wants for Christmas. Instead, ask your partner an open-ended question. How are you? This is a simple yet solid place to start. When asked from a place of true caring, this question yields fascinating and rich information. It encourages your partner to open up and communicate, which is a crucial element in maintaining a relationship any time of year.

Holiday Gift Buying: Part 2

If you had a chance to read Part 1 in this two-part series on Holiday Gift Buying, you know that I emphasize the importance of planning ahead when it comes to buying holiday gifts for your loved ones. On the other hand, Part 2 will focus on content – the actual gifts that you buy for those close to you so that you present them with the most meaningful gift possible.

When it comes to giving gifts that are truly meaningful and memorable, you must take a little extra time to think about your loved ones, including their interests, hobbies, and values. Buying your loved one a gift is about what he or she likes, not what you like or want him or her to like. Sounds pretty basic but you’d be shocked to see how many people don’t stop to think about this.

For our purposes, take a moment and think about someone for whom you’ll buy a holiday gift this year. Once you have that person in mind, think about what makes him or her the happiest – is it relationships, gadgets, or hobbies? You can start here and work your way down through a decision tree. If you’re buying for someone who has everything he needs, he may most appreciate the relationships in his life because he has all the objects a man could possibly. For such a person, buying a gift that he can share with someone he loves might be the most meaningful gift. If you’re buying for someone who is a techie or gadget person, spend a few minutes poking around on the internet for sites that appeal to these interests. You might be able to find something unique with only a few extra minutes of work.


Another helpful hint when trying to find a meaningful gift is to replay the various conversations you’ve had with that person throughout the year, picking out specific instances in which that person told you he particularly enjoyed an event or a certain occasion. These remarks should be mentally highlighted because they provide information about what kind of gift your loved one would appreciate from you. When you give someone a gift based on something he’d said earlier, remind him of what he said earlier in the year. In doing so, you not only provide your loved one with a gift but also send him the message that you truly listen to what he has to say and are genuinely interested in making him happy. At the end of the day, this message is more meaningful than any store-bought object.


When you consider what to buy your loved ones, give yourself permission to try something different this year. Go the extra mile and avoid the compulsory purchases when you’re simply meeting a gift quotient. Instead, make something yourself for your loved ones or do some extra digging when it comes to their interests and values so that you find something special. In fact, you can even turn this experience into a challenge, finding or making a gift they absolutely love and that they never would have expected from you. Ultimately, the purpose of gift giving is to convey your love and appreciation for that person, and time spent thinking about, preparing, or obtaining the gift will send that message loud and clear.

Holiday Gift Buying: Part 1

Holiday gifts have everything to do with relationships, and when you give someone a gift, you want to be sure that you’re giving that person something meaningful. This is the first in a two-part series on holiday gift giving, and Part 1 will focus on how to plan your gift buying so that you have time to amass the gifts that your loved ones will appreciate the most.

One of the most consistent problems people have when it comes to holiday shopping is procrastination. Daunted by overcrowded stores and malls that make you want to crawl out of your skin, you may react in the way that countless others do: avoidance. This year, do not procrastinate. Start early and you’ll be able to relax by the time the end of December comes around.

If you hate the atmosphere of holiday shopping, replete with ringing registers and shoves from the hurried masses, there is a savior you have likely already used for shopping purposes: the internet. In terms of shopping, the internet is an excellent resource to find hard-to-find gifts, those that will light up the faces of your friends and family, and it also prevents the need to go out to the stores to get the gifts you need.

Rather than avoid holiday shopping, set a goal for yourself to do 90% of your shopping by the end of this month. Though it may sound like a challenge, it’s a possible goal to achieve. Make a list of those things you can purchase online, and set the goal to have purchased those items within the next week (provided you already have money set aside for that purpose). Make another list of the items you need to purchase in person, and set aside the dates on which you plan to purchase those items. As you do this, create a map in your head so that you can purchase your gifts in as few trips as possible.

The more you plan ahead, the more thoughtful the gifts will be that you give. When you’re in a rush, you often feel compelled to simply find that person anything - whatever meets the gift quotient. The truth is that your wallet moans and cries when you make it pay for things that don’t really mean anything to anyone. If you manage to plan ahead and finish your actual gift buying early, you will leave yourself time in December to engage in relaxing holiday activities – baking, cooking, and decorating.

Finally, be sure to check back tomorrow for Part 2, which will focus on the actual gifts that you buy for your loved ones.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Long Distance Relationships...a Do or a Don't?

This question doesn't have a simple answer. Absence may make the heart grow fonder--or at least prolong the "honeymoon" portion of the relationship. A new lover retains their novelty when you only see them once every couple of weeks. People generally tend to stay on their best behavior in the initial phases of a relationship. The distance forces couples to communicate and get to know each other through phone conversations, emails, and texting. Physical contact is less frequent, which means that sex can be even more exciting when it finally happens. (Nothing like weeks of texting to add to the anticipation). But these advantages can also have serious drawbacks that can potentially derail a new relationship.

Physical distance can make it more difficult to get to know a potential partner and build real intimacy. To truly know someone, you need to see see their many facets--not just their best. This takes more time in a long-distance relationship. Communication can be more difficult because emails and text messages and even phone calls lack the nonverbal information that adds so much to a conversation.

Couples in long-distance relationships may be prone to miscommunication and misinterpretation. I also find that jealousy plays a more significant role in long-distance relationships. Having an affair with someone you barely know is exciting in part because you can project all sorts of traits onto the person. While many people idealize their romantic partners, others project their fears and baggage from past relationships. Both scenarios create problems and both blind you to the reality of the relationship you are currently creating.

The key to long-distance relationships is communication. Talking to your partner about your needs, wants, and fears foster real intimacy and helps prevent misunderstandings that can thwart the best relationships.

Learning How to Say "Sorry"

In any type of relationship, there comes the occasional need to apologize for something you’ve said or done.

Some people have great difficulty saying “I’m sorry.” For these individuals, having to apologize is a symbol of losing and surrendering. Of course, that is what a healthy relationship is all about – being able to be vulnerable. Nevertheless, people who need to learn how to say “sorry” are aware that this is one of their problems – they have likely been told this by people close to them over a period of many years.

While some men and women have a problem in not apologizing when they should, others have a problem with the way they apologize. These people say “sorry” and don’t really mean it or haven’t really taken inventory of why the other person is upset. At times, someone will apologize to you and say “sorry” as quickly and flippantly as if they were ordering a soda at restaurant – “Yeah, I’ll have diet.”

The next time someone is upset by something you’ve said or done, make an effort to apologize. At the same time, make an effort to say it meaningfully. Rather than utter the word “sorry” as if it is simply a sterile vocabulary word, go a step further and say why you’re sorry. Sometimes taking this extra step can make all the difference in the world.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Mr. Right—Potbelly Included

Steve Harvey appeared on Oprah the other day. He promoted his new book, Act Like A Lady and Think Like a Man and gave advice to the all-female audience. I found Mr. Harvey's commentary on relationship dynamics both hysterical and insightful. A female guest who was seeking relationship advice revealed that she had a list of requirements for her future "Mr. Right." This immediately reminded me of a friend that keeps a similar list. Steve Harvey praised the general idea of these kinds of lists because "you have to have standards." But he cautioned that list makers should possess the same qualities they expect in a mate.

This brings me back to my friend whose list for her Mr. Right includes "must be ivy league educated" and "cannot have a potbelly" among other requirements. Now my friend is single, in her late thirties, not ivy league educated, and desperately wants to have a child. She has created the list because she wants to have standards, but the list has become so specific and extensive that almost no man can fulfill it. Until recently she has remained committed to these rigid prerequisites. But lately she began to reflect on some of the more superficial requirements. She realized that a potbelly can be changed and having a Burberry trench coat is negotiable.

Recognize that creating a list of ideal attributes is not the same as not ordering a product from a catalogue. Consider a person's compensatory qualities before tossing them back into the dating pool. It may be a good idea to rank the most important qualities in a mate to get an idea about what is most vital to you. Does your future husband need to love children? Does your future wife need to be career minded? Can you cope with someone who smokes? Does your list (or heart) have any room for flexibility? If not, why not? I'm a supporter of visualizing what you want to get out of life. Lists are great because they focus your attention (they remind you of your standards) and your intention (how to get what you want). But don't let a list rule your life!