Socializing Independent of Your Relationship

One of the most common pitfalls that strike couples is codependence – or the tendency to merge and lose each individual’s identity. Too often socializing separately generates anxiety and insecurities for one or both partners, so the couple often learns to avoid socializing with friends when the other partner isn’t there.


If you are in a relationship, it is critical that you regularly allow yourself to socialize with your friends by having a girls’ or guys’ night out. True, you probably love to spend time with your partner, but you can sometimes appreciate your partner even more if you let the relationship grow more independent legs.


Most importantly, you can often prevent yourself from losing yourself to your relationship as long as you are focusing on your needs and keeping in mind that you must still know how to function happily on your own even if you are in a romantic relationship. To take the accurate temperature of where you stand when it comes to this issue, ask a trusted friend whether he or she thinks you are truly balancing socializing together and socializing independently. Finally, have a conversation with your partner about this – you might be surprised by the discussion to follow!

Dr. Seth in the Media: Men's Health, Asylum.com

Check out Dr. Seth in the September issue of Men's Health, as well as in a new article at the popular AOL site Asylum.com. I have provided the link for the Asylum.com article below - enjoy!

http://www.asylum.com/2009/08/27/know-the-dos-and-donts-of-apologizing-to-your-lady/

Passive-Aggressive = Relationship Ender

You probably don’t have to think long or hard to recall an experience in which someone said or did something passive-aggressive with you. In the couples therapy that I do in my practice, I have found that this communication tactic is one of the most risky to use. Why? Because people don’t like to play the target of passive-aggressiveness. In my clinical work, I find that the target – man or woman - often leaves the relationship if the problem persists.

What you really want in a relationship is someone to love you, trust you, and to be honest with you. A passive-aggressive communication style betrays the need for honesty. Rather than say how he feels directly, one partner may act out in a passive-aggressive manner. When couples don’t handle conflicts in the moment in a healthy manner, the original problem snowballs and each member of the couple reverts even further to his or her own corner. What happens next? They stop talking to each other and avoid each other altogether.

If you are guilty of the occasional passive-aggressive tactic, you must give up this tactic completely. If you are in a relationship with someone who is guilty of this behavior, you must confront the situation head-on. Ask your partner to sit down with you and explain what’s bothering you, explain how it makes you feel, and ask that your partner not do it again. Give your partner some time to change the problem behavior, but if the behavior doesn’t change in the long run, it might be time to make a big decision.

Guest Blogger Amanda Kane's Vacation

Here's the bad news: Guest Blogger Amanda kane is taking a vacation from writing her articles for the blog as she prepares for a very big event. I am hoping that she will share details of the event with you when she returns, but I will leave that up to her.

The good news? I will still be here, chugging along and churning out relationship advice and other clinical information!

Quote of the Day

"When you know better, you do better." Author Unknown

What a great quote. Sometimes the truth is spoken with the fewest, simplest words.

Your End of Summer Party: Co-Sponsored Entertainment

This past weekend I had a big summer BBQ at my house, having invited many friends and co-workers to hang out and eat bad-for-you but good-tasting food in my backyard. I am a strong advocate of rituals and celebrations, and believe that hosting events on a regular basis is good for your mental health. I have always said that the most intimate way to spend time with your friends is to have them over to your home.

After this past party I threw (perhaps my first Annual Summer BBQ, if I follow all of my own advice?), I asked myself why I hadn't considered throwing a party jointly with a friend or two. The reasons for co-sponsored entertainment are not exclusively selfish. True, I would like to reduce the amount of time and energy that is spent in preparation and clean-up for the party. Yet there are additional benefits you might not have considered.

If you co-sponsor a party with friends, your friends are more likely to meet and actually talk with your fellow hosts' friends. In this way, you extend your social circle. Research cannot say enough good things about the value of social support when it comes to your physical and mental health, so extending your social circle can be truly beneficial.

As the summer soon comes to a close, consider marking its ending with a co-sponsored party. If the time isn't quite right, perhaps have one a little later to kick off the fall. Regardless of the occasion, consider co-sponsoring your next social event!

Stop Falling in Love – Start Dating!

Too often I have clients in my practice who mourn the fact that dating can be such an awful experience. Without doubt, dating can cast you adrift in a sea of insecurities and make each and every one of us want to pull our hair out all at once.

It’s understandable enough – dating can be awkward and feel like a part-time job if you’re serious about finding a partner. Yet disliking dating too much can create a dangerous effect. If you hate dating and simply aren’t any good at seeing a couple of people at the same time, then you may be more likely to settle down with someone who is not a great match for you.

I encourage everyone single to practice dating. I always explain that dating is a numbers game – you may need to meet many people before finding a connection with a true click. Even though dating a couple of people at the same time brings up its own difficulties, it is important for you to know how to date. You must take things slowly with your dates and be honest about your intentions. In the end, this caution will act as an important insurance policy, insuring that you don’t jump in too quickly with the wrong person.

Again, if your relationships haven’t been working out, try it: stop falling in love and start dating.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Mental Health Tip of the Day:

Wear Sunscreen!

Physical health is an important component of psychological vitality and overall well-being. I’m sure you have heard the old adage, health is wealth. One of the simplest ways that you can maintain your health is protecting the largest organ is your body—your skin. “Skin cancer is the most common form of cancer in the United States. More than one million skin cancers are diagnosed annually.”* Dermatologists agree that is it important to wear a broad-spectrum sunscreen single every day, rain or shine, to prevent skin cancer and premature aging.

Gone are the days of slathering up with baby oil and laying out in the sun. And indoor tanning beds are NOT safer than sun worshipping outside. The International Agency for Research on Cancer, a working group of the World Health Organization, recently declared that tanning beds are one of the most dangerous forms of radiation. Yikes!

Check out The Skin Cancer Foundation for guidelines regarding choosing a sunscreen and important information on skin cancer.

http://www.skincancer.org/

*American Cancer Society. Cancer Facts & Figures 2009. Atlanta: American Cancer Society; 2009.

Couples: Maybe You Shouldn't Live Together

In my private practice in Los Angeles, a client and I discussed whether she is truly cut out to live with her boyfriend. Though she has lived with her boyfriend for many years, she has also reached a point in the relationship where she has realized the relationship might not be meeting her needs. She talked about how there was little intimacy between the two of them, and explained that their interests and values had diverged over the years.

My client described her daily routines and explained that she likes to spend a lot of her time alone - she's not prone to loud social gatherings and doesn't need to be in the company of others 24/7.

I asked my client a simple question: Why did the two of you ever decide to move in together in the first place?

My client paused for a minute or so - the question seemed so basic. However, my client realized this was not something she ever really thought about. Like Carly Simon sang in the 70's, that's the way she's always heard it should be. Couples live together - that's just what you do.

Herein lies the problem: Living together is not for everyone. I know a terrific couple who have been together for many years and maintain separate homes to this day. If you are single and not planning on having children, I strongly encourage you to consider this issue - let's stop keeping up with the Joneses and make sure you are doing what is best for you.