Household Chores and Relationships
I realize that dishes and vacuuming aren’t particularly sexy topics for a blog. But mundane chores are important—these routine activities not only maintain our lives but also significantly affect relationship dynamics.
In 2008, women comprised 46.5 percent of the total U.S. labor force*. Gone are the days when mommy stayed home and tended to things while daddy worked. Having one full time stay-at-home parent is a luxury most U.S. households cannot afford. Since most women work outside the home, their partners can and must share in household maintenance.
Female clients sometimes admit that they feel they must carry the brunt of household tasks. Some suffer silently, feeling guilty for wanting their partners to “do more around the house.” Many women feel that because of their gender they should do more (unfortunately some husbands feel this way too). Some women report that they endlessly complain that “no one helps” but their words do not change their family’s behavior.
Being female doesn’t make you better at laundry, or dusting, or making beds. Just like any other aspect of a relationship—communication and mutual understanding are key. If you feel that your partner needs to pitch-in more, then you absolutely must speak up. Let them know how it affects you when you don’t help out (and make sure to praise them when they so—a little positive reinforcement goes a long way). Be aware that your partner may feel he doesn’t know how to do certain things around they home, maybe he wasn’t taught. Offer to help him learn these things. Dividing up chores can be a good way to share (including children) household responsibilities. Some people hate cleaning windows but are okay with washing dishes. Gives everyone some control over choosing their preferred tasks.
If you feel that you are constantly asking your family to help and they resist, then it is time to change your ways as well. If your family members won’t contribute and you have let them know how this makes you feel then consider doing less around the house yourself. Maybe you don’t have to make dinner every night or drive your kids to soccer practice. If they are not appreciative of your efforts, maybe your family doesn’t deserve to reap the benefits of your tirelessness.
(Department of Labor Stats) http://www.dol.gov/wb/stats/main.htm
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Question of the Week
How does exercise affect your romantic relationship?
The question may seem arbitrary but the truth is that there is an indirect link. Exercising drastically improves your mood, and a positive mood bodes well for how you function in your romantic relationship. If you have worked out, you are more likely to listen well, for example, and less likely to get frustrated and say "get over it already" when your partner complains.
If you don't exercise, which is the case for too many Americans, how might the lack of exercise negatively affect your relationship?
Sunday, July 19, 2009
The Bedside Manner of Judges: Why Are They So Mean?
Recently, when I gave testimony as an expert witness in a court of law, something crazy happened – I came across a nice judge. When I say “nice,” I don’t mean to suggest that upon sight of me, she stepped down from her precipice, kindly greeted me, and then poured me a coupe of Jasmine Pearls tea. What I mean to say is that she struck me as different from so many other judges I have encountered – ones who appeared harsh, dogmatic, and remarkably unsympathetic. My recent experience gave rise to my thoughts and questions about why so many judges simply seem so…mean.
Examination of the outward expressions of judges requires an examination of the overall context in which judges preside. The courtroom is designed in a way that establishes the judge as The Exulted One, replete with a wardrobe distinct from all the rest, protection by armed court officers, and a stage upon which the judge sits that is elevated above all else in the court. These factors serve to remind us of the judge’s importance in case – God forbid – we forget.
My recent experience in the courtroom was made more pleasant than it could have been because the judge I encountered was professional – she did her job, got the facts, and rendered an opinion. She did so in a way that did not require subjugation or intimidation of others. Her demeanor – or judicial bedside manner, if you will – set her apart from other judges I have witnessed in court and heard others describe, as well. I have personally watched other judges rudely cut people off mid-sentence, speak to others in a critical and patronizing tone, and utter interpretations that cast others in a naïve and unintelligent light.
It occurred to me that judges don’t have to be so mean. While I’m confident that there are some excellent and fair judges, I wonder why so many other judges buy into such a one-dimensional – almost cartoonish – presentation of themselves. If the nature of their work is truly complex, why do they let themselves fall victim to a one-note scripted role, as if portrayed in a bad, middle-of-the-night movie of the week? Please tell me their end goal is not to mimic the narcissistic tantrums of the judges with their own eponymous shows on television.
I have heard it said that men and women who yearn for power seek out professions in which they can exact power over others. I hope that this simplistic explanation doesn’t account for the reason why our robe-wearing arbiters of justice appear so hell-bent on intimidating and patronizing the subjects of their courts. At the end of the day, I want to believe that America’s judges are more complicated than that.
Examination of the outward expressions of judges requires an examination of the overall context in which judges preside. The courtroom is designed in a way that establishes the judge as The Exulted One, replete with a wardrobe distinct from all the rest, protection by armed court officers, and a stage upon which the judge sits that is elevated above all else in the court. These factors serve to remind us of the judge’s importance in case – God forbid – we forget.
My recent experience in the courtroom was made more pleasant than it could have been because the judge I encountered was professional – she did her job, got the facts, and rendered an opinion. She did so in a way that did not require subjugation or intimidation of others. Her demeanor – or judicial bedside manner, if you will – set her apart from other judges I have witnessed in court and heard others describe, as well. I have personally watched other judges rudely cut people off mid-sentence, speak to others in a critical and patronizing tone, and utter interpretations that cast others in a naïve and unintelligent light.
It occurred to me that judges don’t have to be so mean. While I’m confident that there are some excellent and fair judges, I wonder why so many other judges buy into such a one-dimensional – almost cartoonish – presentation of themselves. If the nature of their work is truly complex, why do they let themselves fall victim to a one-note scripted role, as if portrayed in a bad, middle-of-the-night movie of the week? Please tell me their end goal is not to mimic the narcissistic tantrums of the judges with their own eponymous shows on television.
I have heard it said that men and women who yearn for power seek out professions in which they can exact power over others. I hope that this simplistic explanation doesn’t account for the reason why our robe-wearing arbiters of justice appear so hell-bent on intimidating and patronizing the subjects of their courts. At the end of the day, I want to believe that America’s judges are more complicated than that.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW
Mental Health Tip of the Day: Adopt a Pet!
I have an English bulldog named Dolly that I absolutely adore. I’ve watched her grow from a tiny, white puppy to a spirited adult dog during the last four years. She is the first dog that I’ve owned, and I have to admit that before Dolly I really didn’t fully understand the responsibility that comes with caring for pet. There have been countless walks outside (sometimes multiple walks in the middle of the night when she was a puppy); numerous trips to the vet and the pet store, and hours spent rearranging schedules to accommodate for her routine.
But the work required to care for a pet pales in comparison to the joy and fun of the relationship. Since Dolly became a part of my life I smile more. She can’t trot past by a ball without attempting to engage me with it. She is always reminding me that adults need to play and be silly too. Animals are also wonderful companions and good listeners. They want little more than to spend time with caring humans. The relationships that people have with their pets are frequently some of the simplest and most gratifying. I’m not suggesting that these are the only relationships a person should have, but they definitely fulfill certain needs. Pets can be wonderfully comforting.
Of course there are many kinds of pets—and some definitely suit certain lifestyles better than others. Please don’t get a pet if you do not have the time, finances, or emotional energy to properly care for it. Dogs are pack animals and need to spend time with their owners, so you may be better off getting a hamster if you work 12 hour days. It is not a responsibility to be taken lightly—animals have physical as well as emotional needs that must be respected and fulfilled by their owners. But if you feel that you have love to give and a void in your life then consider adopting a pet through a local organization. The humane society is also a great resource for more information. The relationship you have with your new pet may be one of the most rewarding ones of your entire life!
The Humane Society:
http://www.hsus.org
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Question of the Week
When was the last time you called your grandparent(s) or your oldest living relative?
Recently I learned that one of my grandmothers was the almost-victim of a malicious telephone scam. This popular scam involves someone calling random elderly women and asking them to wire money to their supposed grandson, with the perpetrator pretending to be that grandson. Fortunately, my grandmother was suspicious and relayed the events to my uncle who came to her rescue.
Hearing about the uncomfortable position my grandmother found herself in, I thought about how sad it is that the elderly find themselves in such vulnerable positions as they age. It caused me to think about my grandmother's life, in general, and whether she feels happy and fulfilled, or perhaps sad and lonely.
I believe that all grandparents really want in their lives is a connection to their younger family - they prize this connection the most as they near the end of their lives. When I think about my grandmother picking up the phone and feeling confused about the circumstances she recently faced, it occurs to me that we should all probably agree to reach out to our grandparents or oldest living relatives a little more frequently.
Recently I learned that one of my grandmothers was the almost-victim of a malicious telephone scam. This popular scam involves someone calling random elderly women and asking them to wire money to their supposed grandson, with the perpetrator pretending to be that grandson. Fortunately, my grandmother was suspicious and relayed the events to my uncle who came to her rescue.
Hearing about the uncomfortable position my grandmother found herself in, I thought about how sad it is that the elderly find themselves in such vulnerable positions as they age. It caused me to think about my grandmother's life, in general, and whether she feels happy and fulfilled, or perhaps sad and lonely.
I believe that all grandparents really want in their lives is a connection to their younger family - they prize this connection the most as they near the end of their lives. When I think about my grandmother picking up the phone and feeling confused about the circumstances she recently faced, it occurs to me that we should all probably agree to reach out to our grandparents or oldest living relatives a little more frequently.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW
How to Reach Out to a Friend in Pain…
Clients frequently ask me how they should approach a loved one they feel is in distress. The nature of the distress may be emotional, such as depression, or it may be a problem like alcohol or drug abuse. While the specifics of each case are different, the best way to reach out follows similar guidelines.
First, choose a relatively neutral time to share your concerns with the person. I’m not suggesting waiting for the perfect time—it will never come—but choose a moment when neither of you are especially agitated or emotional. Create a quiet environment relatively free of distractions. This will “set the stage” and convey the gravity of your concerns. It will also allow you to focus on the person completely. This in itself is a rather special quality in our busy, modern lives.
Be direct and honest when you address the issue but also be kind. Come from a place of concern. Avoid blaming language such as, “You always…” or “You are…” If you want to reach your friend, then it is best to confront them with examples of their behavior rather than name calling. Even if you are angry, calling someone a name will probably only shut them down. If you need to support your concern with concrete examples then focus on the person's behavior.
Ask the family member or friend how they feel—or how they are doing. This is a simple question which frequently goes unasked. It conveys caring and concern if you ask it like you actually want to hear a real answer, rather than the cursory, “I’m fine.”
Let them know that you want to help. Suggest that you help them find referrals to professionals who deal with their problem. Have a positive attitude about change but acknowledge your friend’s concerns. Even though your friend is suffering, the pain is probably familiar and the suggestion of change may cause them to have a lot of mixed feelings. Try your best to really listen and empathize with their feelings. Feeling “heard” may be the encouragement your friend needs to seek further help.
Clients frequently ask me how they should approach a loved one they feel is in distress. The nature of the distress may be emotional, such as depression, or it may be a problem like alcohol or drug abuse. While the specifics of each case are different, the best way to reach out follows similar guidelines.
First, choose a relatively neutral time to share your concerns with the person. I’m not suggesting waiting for the perfect time—it will never come—but choose a moment when neither of you are especially agitated or emotional. Create a quiet environment relatively free of distractions. This will “set the stage” and convey the gravity of your concerns. It will also allow you to focus on the person completely. This in itself is a rather special quality in our busy, modern lives.
Be direct and honest when you address the issue but also be kind. Come from a place of concern. Avoid blaming language such as, “You always…” or “You are…” If you want to reach your friend, then it is best to confront them with examples of their behavior rather than name calling. Even if you are angry, calling someone a name will probably only shut them down. If you need to support your concern with concrete examples then focus on the person's behavior.
Ask the family member or friend how they feel—or how they are doing. This is a simple question which frequently goes unasked. It conveys caring and concern if you ask it like you actually want to hear a real answer, rather than the cursory, “I’m fine.”
Let them know that you want to help. Suggest that you help them find referrals to professionals who deal with their problem. Have a positive attitude about change but acknowledge your friend’s concerns. Even though your friend is suffering, the pain is probably familiar and the suggestion of change may cause them to have a lot of mixed feelings. Try your best to really listen and empathize with their feelings. Feeling “heard” may be the encouragement your friend needs to seek further help.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Celebrity Fascination = Our Own Inner Boredom
The paparazzi would have had a field a day: Right before our eyes, a very public couple reunited after a nasty public split that recently hounded newsstands everywhere. At a fancy Santa Barbara resort this past weekend, my fellow resort-goers and I watched this couple canoodle as they played by the pool and walked entwined down romantic paths. The resort was wild with celebrity gossip.
The scenario caused me to question why any of should care about the private lives of the famous. After all, don’t we have exciting lives of our own? What, in fact, does our voracious appetite for celebrities truly mean about us?
Without question, our love of a celebrity’s downward spiral is understandable enough – social psychology tells us that focusing on anyone down on their luck makes us feel better about our own lives. Yet tabloid readers and those fascinated by the ins-and-outs of celebrity romance aren’t exclusively drawn to the negative. In fact, they often are equally interested in hearing about celebrity events related to marriage, childbirth, and other milestones.
As I consider the issue, I recall something an old clinical mentor of mine once said: Every time you idealize someone else, you necessarily devalue yourself. It’s my belief that one’s interest in and fascination with celebrity life indicate that individual’s own boredom with his or her own life. Though he or she may reject this notion on its surface, somehow celebrity life must seem more interesting – otherwise, people wouldn’t care.
If you are a tabloid reader or one prone to gossip about the lives of celebrities, take a moment to consider the nature of your interest. Give yourself a break and trust that the number of homes or staff a celebrity boasts has little to do with how inherently valuable or interesting that person is independent of all of the external attributes. In the end, despite all the superficially exciting accoutrements, my guess is that the celebrity couple that created so much buzz this past weekend may feel just as inadequate as the tabloid readers who idealize them.
The scenario caused me to question why any of should care about the private lives of the famous. After all, don’t we have exciting lives of our own? What, in fact, does our voracious appetite for celebrities truly mean about us?
Without question, our love of a celebrity’s downward spiral is understandable enough – social psychology tells us that focusing on anyone down on their luck makes us feel better about our own lives. Yet tabloid readers and those fascinated by the ins-and-outs of celebrity romance aren’t exclusively drawn to the negative. In fact, they often are equally interested in hearing about celebrity events related to marriage, childbirth, and other milestones.
As I consider the issue, I recall something an old clinical mentor of mine once said: Every time you idealize someone else, you necessarily devalue yourself. It’s my belief that one’s interest in and fascination with celebrity life indicate that individual’s own boredom with his or her own life. Though he or she may reject this notion on its surface, somehow celebrity life must seem more interesting – otherwise, people wouldn’t care.
If you are a tabloid reader or one prone to gossip about the lives of celebrities, take a moment to consider the nature of your interest. Give yourself a break and trust that the number of homes or staff a celebrity boasts has little to do with how inherently valuable or interesting that person is independent of all of the external attributes. In the end, despite all the superficially exciting accoutrements, my guess is that the celebrity couple that created so much buzz this past weekend may feel just as inadequate as the tabloid readers who idealize them.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Happy Fourth of July Weekend!
Have a safe and happy weekend!
Hopefully you'll have the chance to see some fireworks and spend time with the ones you love most. Enjoy!
Hopefully you'll have the chance to see some fireworks and spend time with the ones you love most. Enjoy!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW
Making Sense of Mental Health Credentials...
and Finding a Mental Health Provider
Finding a mental health professional that suits your needs can be a little confusing and tedious. First, people generally don’t seek out mental health services when they are feeling their absolute best. During an emotional crisis, searching for a helping professional is the last thing people feel like doing. Also, insurance companies commonly offer a list of providers in an area who are “in-network,” but these lists frequently fail to give you the specific information that would help you to choose a practitioner. Lists don’t give you a real sense of the real person behind the credentials, and I feel that this is most important quality. Finally, wading through the alphabet soup of credentials can be quite confusing. So, how do you find the right clinician?
Just to clarify, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who may or may not provide psychotherapy in addition to providing evaluations for psychotropic medication. Psychiatrists attend med school and then specialize in psychiatric issues. Basically, psychiatrists are the only mental health professionals who can prescribe medication, except for some very specialized nurses with prescription privileges.
Psychologists, social workers, and licensed professional counselors, are mental health professionals who fall under the broad category of therapists. If you are interested in talk therapy—and there are many types—you probably want to find a licensed therapist before seeking out a psychiatrist.
The clinician’s education and training determines the letters after their name, but don’t be afraid to ask what abbreviations mean! Any therapist that you actually want to see more than once should be open to explaining these. I get the sense that many people are paralyzed by the taboo against asking their therapist questions, so they don’t feel entitled to ask basic questions about professional qualifications. It is absolutely okay to ask about questions about specialties, years of experience, and training.
The combination of talk therapy in addition to psychiatric medication is generally considered to be more therapeutic than medication alone. If you are interested in medication, then consider discussing this option with a therapist who may be able to refer you to a psychiatrist.
I’m a big believer if word-of-mouth referrals. These may come from other professionals in the field or friends or family who have recommendations. (Just make sure the referral is not too close to home.) Sometimes you can tell from an initial phone call whether you want to pursue a relationship with a particular clinician. I’m not even suggesting that you have a phone session, but recognize that a clinician should call you back within a reasonable amount of time, be polite, flexible, and professional. These basic courtesies give you a sense of the person and begin your evaluation process.
And one last thought—it is okay to “shop around” for a good fit. If you have a session with a psychiatrist or therapist and feel that the two of you are not a match, then consider giving it one more shot and then trying someone else.
Not every relationship is meant to be!
and Finding a Mental Health Provider
Finding a mental health professional that suits your needs can be a little confusing and tedious. First, people generally don’t seek out mental health services when they are feeling their absolute best. During an emotional crisis, searching for a helping professional is the last thing people feel like doing. Also, insurance companies commonly offer a list of providers in an area who are “in-network,” but these lists frequently fail to give you the specific information that would help you to choose a practitioner. Lists don’t give you a real sense of the real person behind the credentials, and I feel that this is most important quality. Finally, wading through the alphabet soup of credentials can be quite confusing. So, how do you find the right clinician?
Just to clarify, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who may or may not provide psychotherapy in addition to providing evaluations for psychotropic medication. Psychiatrists attend med school and then specialize in psychiatric issues. Basically, psychiatrists are the only mental health professionals who can prescribe medication, except for some very specialized nurses with prescription privileges.
Psychologists, social workers, and licensed professional counselors, are mental health professionals who fall under the broad category of therapists. If you are interested in talk therapy—and there are many types—you probably want to find a licensed therapist before seeking out a psychiatrist.
The clinician’s education and training determines the letters after their name, but don’t be afraid to ask what abbreviations mean! Any therapist that you actually want to see more than once should be open to explaining these. I get the sense that many people are paralyzed by the taboo against asking their therapist questions, so they don’t feel entitled to ask basic questions about professional qualifications. It is absolutely okay to ask about questions about specialties, years of experience, and training.
The combination of talk therapy in addition to psychiatric medication is generally considered to be more therapeutic than medication alone. If you are interested in medication, then consider discussing this option with a therapist who may be able to refer you to a psychiatrist.
I’m a big believer if word-of-mouth referrals. These may come from other professionals in the field or friends or family who have recommendations. (Just make sure the referral is not too close to home.) Sometimes you can tell from an initial phone call whether you want to pursue a relationship with a particular clinician. I’m not even suggesting that you have a phone session, but recognize that a clinician should call you back within a reasonable amount of time, be polite, flexible, and professional. These basic courtesies give you a sense of the person and begin your evaluation process.
And one last thought—it is okay to “shop around” for a good fit. If you have a session with a psychiatrist or therapist and feel that the two of you are not a match, then consider giving it one more shot and then trying someone else.
Not every relationship is meant to be!
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