Couples Communication: The Silent Treatment Is A Problem

My last post related to whether arguing is a healthy function of intimacy, and I want to continue with this theme here. The truth about how couples argue is that couples argue in many different ways. While your association to the word “argue” may involve yelling or curse words, I believe that giving the Silent Treatment to your partner when you are upset is yet another version. Though the Silent One may not be shouting, he speaks volumes by shutting down and saying nothing at all.

Let’s be careful to name the problem and call it what it is: The Silent Treatment is a form of punishment. This is not to be confused with feeling unsure about your feelings and going to your own corner to get a break – that is understandable and normal. Sometimes, however, you may feel angry and take it out on your partner by shutting down completely and not letting him or her in at all. You might be so angry, in fact, that you will hardly say a word.

Often men and women who issue the Silent Treatment know it hurts their partners – and that’s part of why they do it. They shut down to express their anger rather than express it fairly, through words and mutual, intimate communication. In other words, when the Silent One shuts down, he doesn’t even give his partner a chance.

If you are guilty of resorting to the Silent Treatment, I must call a spade a spade –it’s a cheap and easy way to hurt your partner. All the while, it turns you into a child who is incapable of communicating in your relationship like a grown-up. If you’re in a relationship, do the honorable, adult thing and give your partner a chance to talk to you. Talk to your partner – share – and work productively on your relationship.

Shutting down by means of the Silent Treatment is simply acting out and you can do better than that. Relationships are risky business and everyone stands to get a little hurt from time to time. The test of a strong person and relationship comes down to effort – will you be someone who truly tries and fights for a quality relationship? Are you really willing to go out on a limb and sacrifice a little vulnerability for the greater good?

The Couple Who NEVER Fights

Recently a friend and I had lunch and she shared with me a concern about her relationship: She and her boyfriend have been together for over a year and have never had an argument. The cause for concern stemmed from my friend’s questioning whether there was something inauthentic or unnatural about their relationship. Certainly everyone believes that an occasional fight is a natural symptom of a long-term relationship. Why, then, would this couple never have had an argument? Is their relationship better or worse than another?

Below is a quote that I located that speaks to this issue.

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

For those of you who have loved someone dearly – lover, friend, or family member – you can probably easily relate to this quote. One of the ways that men and women often wound each other is by expressing harsh words in the heat of an argument. Why is such a hurt a natural consequence of love? In a nutshell, because hurt is at the heart of intimacy.

What is intimacy? It is equal part safety and equal part danger; equal part happiness and equal part sadness; equal part togetherness and equal part loneliness. Love carries all the flavors of the human heart – these are the feelings generated when you truly love and know someone.

In terms of the couple I referred to earlier, does their lack of argument ever suggest that they bear little intimacy in their relationship? In brief, it means that they probably have as much intimacy as they are capable of having at this point in time. However, there is likely much more room for the two of them to get to know each other better and to show each other all the sides of their respective characters.

As a rule, it’s important and healthy to get along and good to have an occasional argument. In the end, you should strike a balance in your relationship where you can easily express your wide range of feelings.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Coping with Wedding Stress

I’m in the midst of planning an autumn 2009 wedding and am well-acquainted with the ups and downs of such an undertaking. Between social conventions, family dynamics, and inflated expectations, planning a wedding can be a minefield.

Maybe I’m very lucky, but so far the process has been relatively easy. However, I realize that not all brides and grooms have this experience. I have five guidelines for wedding planning that I’m using to manage some of the stress inherent in the process.

1.) Embrace Realistic Expectations
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your wedding won’t be perfect--and actually perfect would be very boring. All your zany relatives will be attending and some of them won’t be taking their meds. The caterer might run out of shrimp or vodka. The air-conditioning might break at the venue. Things that you can't control will happen. Also, remember that everything associated with weddings is insanely expensive, so be honest with yourself about what you can realistically afford (see tip #5).

2.) Use Online Resources
Sites such as TheKnot.com, indiebride.com, and gayweddings.com are great sources of information regarding everything from vendors to vows. You can post anonymously and read honest reviews. Indiebride.com has a special section named “kvetch” with subcategories devoted to topics like “marriage and feminism,” “second thoughts,” and “same sex marriages.” These online sites offer a legitimate means of getting validation from other brides and grooms who share similar anxieties.

3.) Compromise, Compromise, Compromise!
Weddings seem to intensify and exacerbate family dynamics. From the guest list to the seating chart, it is impossible not to offend someone. Remember to carefully pick your battles. This is especially important if the bride and groom are not paying for the wedding. I mean, if your mother is dead set on having a certain color of peach in the color scheme then maybe you can just go with it.

4.) Remember to involve your life partner…
Frequently one person is more involved in the planning than the other, but make sure to include him or her. Ask your partner, “What components of the wedding are the most important to you?” and encourage them to take the lead in those areas.

5.) Don’t go into debt!
Do you really need two swan ice sculptures and a self-serve candy station at the reception? Prioritize what is truly important to you and create a special day that reflects you and your partner. If you are realistic about what you can afford (see tip #1) You will be glad that you don’t have Visa bills following you for the ten years of your marriage.

Good Luck!

How to Make New Friends When Your Old Ones Aren't Good For You

As a clinical psychologist in private practice, I often follow my clients on a wild journey. They come to me with a particular problem but often end up discovering other areas in their lives that need a little tune-up. In many instances, one of the troubled areas is relationships. People who come in for therapy often find that their friendships and/or romantic relationships aren't fulfilling, and they look for answers as to how to change existing relationships or to create new ones from scratch.

Here we will focus on friendships. If you have come to the point where you realize the friendships you have are not enough, you need to make efforts to bring about change - and changing your social circle doesn't come easily. It can be difficult to start new frienships because you may feel weighed down by having to start all over again. As you approach this new challenge, try to see it as an opportunity to create something new and better as opposed to viewing it as an obligation.

One of the most important things to do in changing your group of friends is to get out of the house. Once out of the house, though, where should you go? Ask yourself what you like to do - interests, activities, etc. - and set a goal to invest time and energy in just one of those interests.

Do some research on the internet, look through the phone book, or ask people you know about how and where a person can engage in this activity. It can be a little uncomfortable to arrive at places alone, especially when there are groups of people already there together. Come up with a mantra that you can use to say to yourself when you are prisoner to those awkward moments (e.g., "this is uncomfortable but it won't last forever" or "at least I'm trying!).

Be patient as you approach the challenge of meeting new friends because an Insta-Social Circle (!) isn't born overnight. Think about the way you come across to people you meet - happy, relaxed, and interested or perhaps anxious, insecure, and uncomfortable? Look at this challenge as an experiment of sorts. This experiment can help you get to know yourself better and can potentially introduce you to people you might not otherwise have met if it weren't for the challenge you're taking on.

As you meet new people, you must ask yourself what you are looking for in a friend. Some men and women are incredibly fun but not necessarily that dependable. Others may appear a little boring but they may be good listeners and may be incredibly trusworthy. No relationship is perfect, but you really can find friends who are a good mix of all the qualities you want.

Remember not to judge a book by its cover.

Take some time to get to know someone so that you can see all the sides of that person and determine if this friendship would be a good fit for you.

Female Rapists Are Out There: How to Keep Your Children Safe

Currently, a story pervades the news about a female Sunday School teacher who allegedly murdered and raped a young girl. Typically when we hear these stories in the news, the perpetrator is male. That the alleged perpetrator in this case is a woman makes the story seem incredible - a woman could never do such a thing! We can imagine women committing murder, but a Sunday School teacher? And rape?!

Because plenty of research and attention has focused on murder, I want to focus here on the sexual assualt. The statistics of female sexual assault and rape have been quoted in research, but the statistics aren't very good. Sexual assault and rape often go unreported so that the existing statistics are likely highly underestimated. One thing is certain: there is little research on how sexual abuse by a female perpetrator affects children later in life (Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 19, 10, 1137-1156).

Most of the studies focus on male perpetrators, so more attention must be paid to who these females are who commit these acts and how the abuse affects the children - the same or different as compared to abuse by men?

Until such research is done, we must focus on the here-and-now. If you have young children, understand that both women and men are capable of sexually assualting your child. Trust your instincts when you have a bad feeling about someone and don't leave your child with that person - no matter how upstanding they seem in society. In addition, when you must leave your children in the care of someone else, opt for environments in which there is more than one adult - sometimes an extra set of protective eyes can make all the difference.

Guest Blogger: Amanda Kane, LSW

Are you Below the Yellow Line?

Lately, I've been watching The Biggest Loser, and I find it pretty riveting TV. As many of you probably know, this reality program sequesters contestants at a weight-loss ranch and films them losing massive amounts of weight. The experts at the ranch give contestants the tools, advice, and most importantly the time to reflect on their health and goals.

While many reality shows seem to attract contestants who simply want their 15 minutes of fame, The Biggest Loser has a different pool of contestants. The people on this TV show are truly at the end of their rope in terms of attempting to lose weight--many are on the path to untimely death. If you've ever watched the show, it is clear that the contestants are in a lot of emotional pain.

In this blog, Dr. Meyers and I often write about topical issues relating to mental health and relationships. These problems are frequently private--problems that an individual can hide from co-workers, family members, sometimes even romantic partners. Having a weight problem is different because it is so public. Everyone knows. Navigating society's reaction to your body is a reality that obese people must cope with on a daily basis. It is very painful and intrusive to have others make snap judgements about you based on your body size.

This pain can perpetuate the cycle that leads to obesity. We live in a society that values the superficial. If you can't get into a pair of skinny jeans then you may begin to question your self-worth. If you don't feel good about yourself, you may not take the time and energy that is necessary for exercising and planning healthful meals. Thinner people get positive reinforcement about their appearance, which probably helps them maintain their weight.

I like The Biggest Loser because it gives the contestants a couple of tools which are invaluable for weight loss--social support and time for true introspection. Because the contestants are removed from the "real" lives they are forced to prioritize themselves and examine some of the issues that brought them to this place. The social support of the other contestants playing the game reinforces each individuals motivation to change. A safe space is created where the contestants can begin to examine their emotional baggage. It truly seems secondary that they are playing a game where the person who loses the highest % of body weight is crowned "The Biggest Loser" and gets $250,000 in prize money.

While most of us do not have the luxury of dropping out of our regular lives to film a weight-loss TV show, I think it is important to incorporate both social support and introspection into any weight-loss plan. The idea of social support (and accountability) is what makes programs like Weight Watchers successful. Because significant weight loss isn't as simple as eating less and exercising more, I would encourage readers on their own weight journey to talk to a therapist. Or join a support group (online or with friends) to connect with other dieters with similar weight-loss goals. Dieters need to express the range of emotions that comes with significant life change. Losing weight is really hard work and everyone needs validation and support to sustain their motivation. Spring is a great time to start fresh and incorporate these elements into a weight-loss plan.

How to Keep Passion Alive in Your Relationship

This week, The Oprah Winfrey Show had a couple days’ worth of focus on sex as she featured Chicago sex expert Dr. Laura Berman. Aside from my hunch that Oprah is rolling Dr. Berman out as the next star of the next Oprah-produced show, sex has been the focus because people are hungry for answers when it comes to sex. Oprah had another expert on one of those episodes who spoke about why passion dies after a while in most relationships – in essence, because passion is all about mystery and discovery.

I believe this conceptualization is far too simple – passion is more than that. In fact, there are many different types of passion. Typically, we think of passion as sexual, but what about emotional and intellectual passion? I always tell my single clients to find partners who share their interests and think in a similar way. In this way, you can discover each other emotionally and intellectually for the rest of your lives.

The first step to keeping passion alive is to accept that there are different kinds of passion. The next thing to do is to learn to share a common interest or activity – something that allows the two of you to explore the world together. Feeling emotionally and intellectually stimulated can really get you going, and you can transfer some of this energy into the sexual realm.

It’s also important to remember to be open-minded and flexible when it comes to sex in a relationship. Understand that there are no rules – every couple is different. For some couples, sex is one of the main ways they communicate. For these couples, they may have sex all the time and keep doing it for years. For others, they may connect more in other ways, so they may turn to sex as a means of connecting less often. There are no ‘shoulds’ when it comes to sex.

Finally, I would argue that a lull that goes on a little too long may signify some feelings of boredom. If this scenario describes you or your relationship, have an honest discussion with your partner. Ask your partner how he or she feels about your sex life, and share your feelings, too. Give your partner some ideas about things you’d like to try to bring a little romance back, and ask your partner if he or she has any ideas. By trial and error, try different things to see if any of them click. Remember that sex is a delicate topic so approach the issue with your partner gently and fairly!

Is Therapy Necessary to Solve Emotional Problems?

One of the questions that I get asked the most is whether everyone should get therapy or whether it’s only necessary for people who have mental illness or serious issues. The simple answer is that everyone – no matter how perfect you are or your life has been – can benefit from individual therapy.

Though I am a proponent of therapy, I am just as quick to tell people that therapy is not the only healer or vehicle to significant change. Many people have a significant religious figure in their lives, whether it is a priest, rabbi, or someone else. Others have a teacher or professor, or another professional in their lives they can lean on when things get difficult.

The important point is that it is important to speak to someone objective about the issue that you’re struggling with. Therapists, religious figures, and others are more likely to be objective than family or friends, and it is this objectivity that will help give you the perspective you need to see your problem clearly and to know how to go about dealing with it.

I believe in the power of therapy above all other possible relationships because therapy allows for a lengthy session, a consistent time to have it, and little to no interruptions in the therapeutic setting. This focus is incredibly important for the client. Yet if you’re uncomfortable with the idea of therapy, consider talking to a professional at your church or someone in another arena in your life. If you decide to do the latter, it is critical that you can trust that the information you’re sharing will be kept confidential so that you can develop true trust with your confidant.

Regardless of whether you choose to talk to a therapist or another type of professional, this relationship can help bring significant positive change to your life!

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

I Love Female Orgasm®

I Love Female Orgasm® is a fantastic sex education program for adults. The presenters, Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller, are a team both on and off the stage who have extensively researched the topic of female orgasm and feel passionately about educating both women and men. I helped bring the program to the Northern New Jersey college where I work as a psychological counselor. It was entertaining and informational and struck just the right tone for the audience (not an easy thing to do).

As you can imagine, students came out in droves to hear about this provocative topic. Solot and Miller emphasized how much is omitted in most high school sexual education classes. And while we are taught about fallopian tubes and ovaries, other parts, like the clitoris, are completely omitted from the discussion. The presenters said, "It would be like trying to educate people about male genitalia with a illustration that left out the penis."

I thought that Solot and Miller made a very powerful point about female sexual pleasure—it is still a taboo subject. While females are frequently the object of desire in movies, advertisements, and other media, female sexuality is usually portrayed as passive. Female sexual pleasure is still a mystery to many people and that mystery is shrouded in misinformation or a total lack of information. Pornography further misrepresents female sexuality. So where do we turn for real information?

I Love Female Orgasm® : An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide is a recent and much needed book on the subject of female orgasm. Solot and Marshall's candid, no-nonsense approach is refreshing, and the information and research enlightening for young adults as well as older adults. The discussion of female sexuality is also inclusive of lesbians and transgendered people. Why should pleasure be relegated to heterosexuals?

For more information, check out:
www.ilovefemaleorgasm.com

Tips for Having a Long Distance Relationship: 5 Simple Tips

Simply put, long distance relationships are challenging. Distance makes it difficult to sustain an emotional and physical connection with your partner. It can also bring out insecurities in one or both partners. For reasons such as these, the odds are truly stacked against those of you who go head to head with the one-eyed distance monster.

If you are going to give a long distance relationship a shot, try using the following techniques to ensure that your relationship has a decent chance at lasting.

Tip # 1: Tell your partner what your long-term goal is for the relationship, and ask him or her to share the same. Marriage? Living together? Living in the same city? Be clear from the beginning.

Tip # 2: Have a “Fears Discussion.” Tell your partner “I’m kind of afraid if we live apart for too long that you might…or that I might…” Again, ask your partner to share his or her fears. This is how intimacy develops.

Tip # 3: Create set times to communicate on the phone.

Tip # 4: Arrange a visiting schedule that will allow you to see each other regularly and stick to this schedule.

Tip # 5: Be honest if you start feeling disconnected from your partner, and ask your partner to share the same feelings if he or she has the same feelings – at that point or ever!

Again, these relationships aren’t easy, but nobody said that true love is a walk in the park. Arm yourself with good coping skills and you will be better off in the end - in your long distance relationship, as well as all of your other relationships in life.

Addiction: When Someone You Love Is Addicted to Something

Dealing with the addiction of a loved one can be one of the most difficult experiences a person could have. Often, there is little that you can do other than offer support and let your loved know that you're there if and when he or she needs you.

In a word, addiction is ugly. It has many faces and constantly changes. In 12 step groups, they say that addiction is "cunning and baffling." Addicts say this because its cunning quality is often what leads the addict to relapse. I believe that addiction is equally cunning for the loved ones.

The loved ones watch the addict's personality change and experience first-hand a host of lies and manipulations. Melody Beattie wrote an incredibly important book called "Codependent No More" which describes what can happen to the loved one of an addict. Simply put, they can lose themselves if they try to rescue the addict.

The truth is that there is little you can do when you believe that your loved one has become addicted to something. First, confide in the addict your observations and share your belief that something is going on. Second, let the addict know that you are there to offer support and to help the addict find the clinical support he or she may need. Third and finally, detach a little.

Addiction is a juggernaut and can devestate the spirit and integrity of individuals, relationships, and everything else in its path. Find a good book on addiction today so that you can start coming to grips with what to expect. Whatever you do, understand that there is ultimately nothing you can do to save the person from the pain of their addiction - only the addict has that power.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

April is National Alcohol Awareness Month

As a clinician on a college campus, I witness students struggling with many stressors. College is typically an exciting, hopeful period for students, but change of any kind is inherently stressful—even if it is a positive change. Young adults are away from home for the first time and separated from their support system of friends and family. They are less bound by the rigidity of high school and must learn to structure themselves and manage their time. They are plunged into an unfamiliar environment with strange cafeteria food, unfamiliar roommates, and new demands and expectations. Our culture romanticizes college and doesn’t always acknowledge the difficult challenges facing college students. Young adults are at an extremely vulnerable time in their lives and need to develop healthy coping skills for managing stress.

At a time when their coping skills are challenged as never before, young adults are also experimenting with adult beahviors like sex and drinking. Obviously, people drink for a variety of reasons. Sometimes students simply cave to peer pressure or try a drink because they are curious. Alcohol is legal, more socially acceptable than other drugs, and lacks the stigma associated with illegal drugs (even for those underage). Also, kids are inundated by the aggressive marketing campaigns of companies hoping to create the next generation of customers. Whatever the precise reason, teenagers without adequate coping skills are vulnerable to these pressures and may abuse alcohol.

In his March 30th post, Dr. Meyers discussed talking to your children about drugs and alcohol. It is important to continue the discussion even after they turn 18 and leave for college. Parents need to educate themselves about alcohol and communicate to their kids that alcohol is a mood altering depressant drug. Additionally, young adults sometimes don't consider the possible negative consequences associated with alcohol abuse, which include: sexual assault, drunk driving, interpersonal problems, public misconduct, accidents…the list goes on and on. It is important for us to enlighten young adults regarding alcohol's affect on judgement, motor skills, and inhibitions. We also need to model responsible behavior.

Many college students feel that binge drinking, which is drinking more than four drinks in a sitting, is the norm for their age group. While some students do drink, it is important for adults to correct misperceptions about alcohol use and abuse. Misperceptions recalibrate the norm and distort reality. As a parent, it is important to share your values and expectations with your child. It may not always seem to be the case, but even teenagers consider their parents' opinion valuable.

Alcohol abuse is not unique to a particular university. It is a problem that affects every college in America and reflects our broader culture. Because alcohol is ubiquitous, we risk becoming desensitized to its potential impact on young lives. Bringing awareness to the issue is the first step in creating a cultural change on our college campuses.