This is the fourth and final essay in my series on what it’s like to love someone with mental illness. There are many different types of mental illness, but this series focuses on four of the most common mental illness. In addition, these are four of the most common illnesses I see in my practice.
In short, there are three different types of ADHD, what used to be known as ADD. ADHD is short for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The three types include one where the sufferer’s problem is a lack of attention, the second where the sufferer’s problem is hyperactivity, and the third where the sufferer’s problem is both poor attention and hyperactivity.
For the sufferer of this disorder, there is a major interference in the ability to function in significant areas of their life (work, social, etc.) if the disorder goes on medicated. With medication, the sufferer can function pretty well, and in some cases, very well.
For the loved ones of the sufferers, the disorder going unmedicated can cause significant frustration. The loved ones often feel bothered by their loved one’s inability to listen, work and complete projects, remember things, or sit still. The disorder, in this respect, can cause problems in relationships.
I have worked with clients whose symptoms cause their loved one to call me on the phone and complain about how their partner’s symptoms are interfering with things at home. Projects don’t get started or completed, and sometimes simple tasks are forgotten. For those who have the hyperactive type of the disorder, the loved ones often feel frustrated that their partners can’t seem to relax and need to be doing a thousand things at the same type.
It is important to understand that medication often successfully treats this disorder. If your loved one is unmedicated, it may be helpful to direct the sufferer to a mental health professional who can help. If your loved one is already medicated and the disorder still negatively impacts your life, try to find ways to make it more bearable. Talk with your partner about your frustrations and try together to come up with ways to make things more manageable in your life together. Finally, it never hurts to do research online, at the bookstore, or at the library to find ways to cope with your frustration. Though you can’t control your partner, you can control your own actions. Exercise and talking to friends can be great ways to blow off steam when you are negatively impacted by your loved one’s disorder.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Loving Someone Who Suffers From Anxiety or Panic Attacks
Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
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Most people know what anxiety feels like. Everyone has probably experienced some type of stress or anxiety in life. For most people, it doesn’t feel good but it doesn’t cripple them, either. For those who suffer from clinical anxiety, anxiety that would meet the criteria of a diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-Fourth Edition is in a whole other league. Not everyone has experienced this kind of anxiety.
Two of the most common types of anxiety are Generalized Anxiety Disorder and panic attacks. With regard to the first, the person suffers from anxiety that is free-floating; there is no event that causes it and no particular reason why the sufferer feels anxious. It can be incredibly frustrating for the sufferer because he or she can’t understand what set it off. With regard to the second, panic attacks, the sufferer often feels as if he or she is having a heart attack and fears he or she is going to die.
These forms of anxiety are typically misunderstood by the loved ones of those who experience it. Loved ones often see the sufferer and think the symptoms are in their head and that they are being dramatic or looking for attention. Part of the difficulty with anxiety is that there is still a lot we don’t know about it. We often aren’t sure why someone suffers from it or what causes it. We can guess that there may have been an event in the past that triggered a traumatic response or that there is an underlying chemical imbalance.
For the loved ones of these sufferers, you must understand that these symptoms are not a show. For those who have severe anxiety or panic attacks, they often carry a general feeling that they wish they could crawl out of their own skin because living in their skin is so painful, at times. These are not weak or vulnerable people. They can be some of the strongest, most resilient people you know.
If a loved one of yours has this experience, think of their condition as you would someone who has extremely high blood pressure. Some bodies are wired in certain ways, and no one is at fault. For the person who has high blood pressure, they must be careful to treat their body well so they don’t push their condition over the edge and risk a heart attack. Sufferers of anxiety must similarly treat themselves well by getting exercise, eating well, and avoiding caffeine. You, as the loved ones, can do a lot to support them if you try to understand their condition and have sympathy for them.
PLUS: Check out Dr. Seth's book on repeating toxic relationship patterns here: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome (Simon and Schuster).
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Loving Someone Who Is Manic-Depressive
This is the second essay in a series on what it's like to love someone with mental illness. This essay will focus on what it's like loving someone who is manic-depressive, or who suffers from what is clinically called Bipolar Disorder.
Bipolar Disorder is one of the most severe mental disorders a person could have. The lives of those suffering from it are hugely impacted by it. While other disorders, such as depression and anxiety, may work in cycles or waves, Bipolar Disorder requires constant, vigilant management. The disorder is typically managed by daily medication and talk therapy.
The trademark of Bipolar Disorder is a major mood imbalance. The person may go from depressed to a manic state, or may experience other shifts in mood that affect the person's ability to function. People who have Bipolar Disorder often have a hard time sleeping. It's not unusual for someone unmedicated with this disorder to be up for two or three days straight because their mind and body simply won't let them sleep.
How do these symptoms affect the loved ones of these people? It has an effect. Parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers see these individuals pass between depression and mania, and they see what a toll it takes on them. One of the realities for the loved ones is they begin to understand that they cannot expect the person to always be consistent; they know the mood and behavior can significantly change.
The situation is more difficult when the loved ones aren't ware of what the problem is. Watching the moods shift can be confusing. If the loved ones don't understand how the disorder works, they can get caught in a cycle of trying to figure out why the person changes so much. Know that if someone's mood appears to change a lot more than yours, they probably have a mood disorder. Just as Depression is one example of a mood disorder, Bipolar Disorder is another.
The situation is often the most difficult for the loved ones who live in the same house as the person with Bipolar Disorder. The reason for this is because the sufferer goes through major mood 'spells' and the sufferer himself or herself feels overwhelmed and often feels a loss of control as a result. This mood shift often spills over to others, and this can set the tone for the mood in the entire house. Loved ones can find themselves walking on eggshells because they never know what to expect next.
In addition, when the sufferer goes into a manic cycle, the inability to sleep can disrupt the whole house. If you share a bed with the person, you may wake up at 4 a.m. and wonder where that person is. You may be further upset when you find that he or she has been up for the third night in a row, unable to lay in bed and sleep. Even if you don't share the bed, that person may be up making noise in the middle of the night and may keep others in the house awake.
Overall, loving someone with Bipolar Disorder creates fear and anxiety in the loved ones. The loved ones learn that medication often does a good job managing the symptoms, so the loved ones become extra cautious and almost parental: "Did you take your medication today?" Though the loved ones would prefer not to worry about this, they know what happens when the sufferer goes off his or her meds.
One of the most helpful things you can do if you have a loved one with this disorder is to find a friend who has a loved one with this disorder, too, or find a therapist with whom you can discuss how this affects you. Though you may try to believe you're fine and you have made the best of the situation, talking things out may help reduce your own frustration and anxiety. Finally, there is a wonderful organization called NAMI. You can find it easily online. The organization offers groups in many communities in which you can meet others who have loved ones with mental illness, and you can also work with others to advocate for greater understanding of mental illness.
Bipolar Disorder is one of the most severe mental disorders a person could have. The lives of those suffering from it are hugely impacted by it. While other disorders, such as depression and anxiety, may work in cycles or waves, Bipolar Disorder requires constant, vigilant management. The disorder is typically managed by daily medication and talk therapy.
The trademark of Bipolar Disorder is a major mood imbalance. The person may go from depressed to a manic state, or may experience other shifts in mood that affect the person's ability to function. People who have Bipolar Disorder often have a hard time sleeping. It's not unusual for someone unmedicated with this disorder to be up for two or three days straight because their mind and body simply won't let them sleep.
How do these symptoms affect the loved ones of these people? It has an effect. Parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers see these individuals pass between depression and mania, and they see what a toll it takes on them. One of the realities for the loved ones is they begin to understand that they cannot expect the person to always be consistent; they know the mood and behavior can significantly change.
The situation is more difficult when the loved ones aren't ware of what the problem is. Watching the moods shift can be confusing. If the loved ones don't understand how the disorder works, they can get caught in a cycle of trying to figure out why the person changes so much. Know that if someone's mood appears to change a lot more than yours, they probably have a mood disorder. Just as Depression is one example of a mood disorder, Bipolar Disorder is another.
The situation is often the most difficult for the loved ones who live in the same house as the person with Bipolar Disorder. The reason for this is because the sufferer goes through major mood 'spells' and the sufferer himself or herself feels overwhelmed and often feels a loss of control as a result. This mood shift often spills over to others, and this can set the tone for the mood in the entire house. Loved ones can find themselves walking on eggshells because they never know what to expect next.
In addition, when the sufferer goes into a manic cycle, the inability to sleep can disrupt the whole house. If you share a bed with the person, you may wake up at 4 a.m. and wonder where that person is. You may be further upset when you find that he or she has been up for the third night in a row, unable to lay in bed and sleep. Even if you don't share the bed, that person may be up making noise in the middle of the night and may keep others in the house awake.
Overall, loving someone with Bipolar Disorder creates fear and anxiety in the loved ones. The loved ones learn that medication often does a good job managing the symptoms, so the loved ones become extra cautious and almost parental: "Did you take your medication today?" Though the loved ones would prefer not to worry about this, they know what happens when the sufferer goes off his or her meds.
One of the most helpful things you can do if you have a loved one with this disorder is to find a friend who has a loved one with this disorder, too, or find a therapist with whom you can discuss how this affects you. Though you may try to believe you're fine and you have made the best of the situation, talking things out may help reduce your own frustration and anxiety. Finally, there is a wonderful organization called NAMI. You can find it easily online. The organization offers groups in many communities in which you can meet others who have loved ones with mental illness, and you can also work with others to advocate for greater understanding of mental illness.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Loving Someone Who Is Depressed
Hands down, loving someone with mental illness is one of the most challenging experiences a person could have. More attention is always paid to the individual suffering with the mental illness than the loved one, and this is understandable. However, far too often we neglect just how difficult the experience can be for the loved ones. As with addiction, mental illness affects everyone in its path.
This is the first in a series on loving someone with mental illness, and the first illness I will consider is depression as depression strikes so many people across America. Depression can be confusing for loved ones to understand, particularly if the loved ones have not experienced depression themselves.
Trademark symptoms of depression include a loss of energy and loss of interest in doing things the person normally enjoys doing. Appetite and sleep are often affected, as is the ability to function in everyday life.
Loved ones who don’t understand depression can fall into judgment (“Why don’t they simply get over it?”) or can take things personally (“Is it something I’m doing that's making them unhappy?”). The most important thing to do when you love someone with depression is to learn about the disorder. Research depression online, and ask your friends whether they have experienced depression or have loved someone who had depression. You would be surprised how many people have been affected by depression, either directly or indirectly.
Once you know more about the disorder, you will know you should not judge it and that you should not take it personally. Understand that depression often works in a cyclical manner, which means that the depression will often lift, at least somewhat, in the future. Finally, talk to your loved one and confide in that person that this is a disorder you are learning about so that you can provide support for him or her.
Depression is awful but knowing how to navigate it can make it easier to bear.
This is the first in a series on loving someone with mental illness, and the first illness I will consider is depression as depression strikes so many people across America. Depression can be confusing for loved ones to understand, particularly if the loved ones have not experienced depression themselves.
Trademark symptoms of depression include a loss of energy and loss of interest in doing things the person normally enjoys doing. Appetite and sleep are often affected, as is the ability to function in everyday life.
Loved ones who don’t understand depression can fall into judgment (“Why don’t they simply get over it?”) or can take things personally (“Is it something I’m doing that's making them unhappy?”). The most important thing to do when you love someone with depression is to learn about the disorder. Research depression online, and ask your friends whether they have experienced depression or have loved someone who had depression. You would be surprised how many people have been affected by depression, either directly or indirectly.
Once you know more about the disorder, you will know you should not judge it and that you should not take it personally. Understand that depression often works in a cyclical manner, which means that the depression will often lift, at least somewhat, in the future. Finally, talk to your loved one and confide in that person that this is a disorder you are learning about so that you can provide support for him or her.
Depression is awful but knowing how to navigate it can make it easier to bear.
Friday, February 20, 2009
It's Time To Have A Dinner Party
Recently, I was caught in a frenzy as I tried to put together a mismash of tables and chairs for a ten person dinner party at my home. I thought of all the lifestyle gurus - the Martha Stewarts and Barefoot Contessas of the world - who would have had an epileptic seizure had they seen all the entertaining rules I was breaking. Truly, they would have arrested me if they could have found a way in and could see what was going on.
As I prepared for the this small time event, I realized this is one of the reasons why I and so many others don't have regular dinner parties - who can keep up, after all? I used this as an exercise to say "forget the rules" and to remind myself that what matters the most is being yourself - etiquette warts and all - and invite your friends into your home for an evening of good food and fun. Who cares if I don't have the right tablecloths and candles - or no candles at all!
When was the last time you had a dinner party for friends or co-workers? I suggest that you scrap any anxiety you might have about putting something together and just do it. Entertaining in your home is a terrific way to have comfortable, intimate conversation with those you love the most. If it's been a while since you had a dinner party, try one on for size in the near future. Use the experience as a reminder that the bigger things in life - friendship and nurturing others - are what matter most.
As I prepared for the this small time event, I realized this is one of the reasons why I and so many others don't have regular dinner parties - who can keep up, after all? I used this as an exercise to say "forget the rules" and to remind myself that what matters the most is being yourself - etiquette warts and all - and invite your friends into your home for an evening of good food and fun. Who cares if I don't have the right tablecloths and candles - or no candles at all!
When was the last time you had a dinner party for friends or co-workers? I suggest that you scrap any anxiety you might have about putting something together and just do it. Entertaining in your home is a terrific way to have comfortable, intimate conversation with those you love the most. If it's been a while since you had a dinner party, try one on for size in the near future. Use the experience as a reminder that the bigger things in life - friendship and nurturing others - are what matter most.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW
The Sexual Resignation
I’m a feminist. I shop at Sephora, and I like men. Are these contradictions? Definitely not, but feminism has gotten a bad rap in recent years and become synonymous with radicalism. The idea that feminist beliefs exist outside the mainstream should be as outdated as the silly stereotypes. Feminism is a movement that promotes the social and political equality of men and women. That sounds pretty reasonable, right? It is not about women burning their bras or hating men. It’s about examining ourselves and our culture with a critical eye and working against the cultural currents that oppress women.
Unfortunately, many of the issues that engendered the women’s movement of the 1970’s are very much alive today. The statistics regarding the disparity between women and men’s wages comes to mind.
“Behind the Pay Gap, the American Association of University Women’s Educational Foundation, found that just one year after college graduation, women earn only 80 percent of what their male counterparts earn. Ten years after graduation, women fall further behind, earning only 69 percent of what men earn. Even after controlling for hours, occupation, parenthood, and other factors known to affect earnings, the research indicates that one-quarter of the pay gap remains unexplained and is likely due to sex discrimination. Over time, the unexplained portion of the pay gap grows.”(http://www.pay-equity.org/info.html)
But it’s not just about money, and it doesn’t just affect women. Fixed gender roles contribute to a climate where women and men are supposed to act in certain ways. This oppresses both sexes and contributes to a multitude of interpersonal problems. It also fosters a larger cultural climate that frequently turns a blind eye to the perpetration of sexual harassment and even sexual assault.
I’m afraid that the generally negative portrayal of feminism has made it less appealing to the young adults of today. The college students that I see in my clinical work frequently resist examining the sexist attitudes that prevent them from being fully themselves. Female students routinely tell me that they don’t want to appear too smart in class because it may “scare off the boys.” I’m worried for the future if young women, out of fear, resign themselves to narrow definitions of femininity. After all, it is 2009 not 1950!
I urge people to educate themselves about the true meaning of feminism and spread the word to the young adults in their lives. Together we can work toward positive changes that will benefit both men and women. This doesn’t have to be an overwhelming task. Reflect on your own beliefs about gender roles. Awareness is always the first step toward change.
I’m a feminist. I shop at Sephora, and I like men. Are these contradictions? Definitely not, but feminism has gotten a bad rap in recent years and become synonymous with radicalism. The idea that feminist beliefs exist outside the mainstream should be as outdated as the silly stereotypes. Feminism is a movement that promotes the social and political equality of men and women. That sounds pretty reasonable, right? It is not about women burning their bras or hating men. It’s about examining ourselves and our culture with a critical eye and working against the cultural currents that oppress women.
Unfortunately, many of the issues that engendered the women’s movement of the 1970’s are very much alive today. The statistics regarding the disparity between women and men’s wages comes to mind.
“Behind the Pay Gap, the American Association of University Women’s Educational Foundation, found that just one year after college graduation, women earn only 80 percent of what their male counterparts earn. Ten years after graduation, women fall further behind, earning only 69 percent of what men earn. Even after controlling for hours, occupation, parenthood, and other factors known to affect earnings, the research indicates that one-quarter of the pay gap remains unexplained and is likely due to sex discrimination. Over time, the unexplained portion of the pay gap grows.”(http://www.pay-equity.org/info.html)
But it’s not just about money, and it doesn’t just affect women. Fixed gender roles contribute to a climate where women and men are supposed to act in certain ways. This oppresses both sexes and contributes to a multitude of interpersonal problems. It also fosters a larger cultural climate that frequently turns a blind eye to the perpetration of sexual harassment and even sexual assault.
I’m afraid that the generally negative portrayal of feminism has made it less appealing to the young adults of today. The college students that I see in my clinical work frequently resist examining the sexist attitudes that prevent them from being fully themselves. Female students routinely tell me that they don’t want to appear too smart in class because it may “scare off the boys.” I’m worried for the future if young women, out of fear, resign themselves to narrow definitions of femininity. After all, it is 2009 not 1950!
I urge people to educate themselves about the true meaning of feminism and spread the word to the young adults in their lives. Together we can work toward positive changes that will benefit both men and women. This doesn’t have to be an overwhelming task. Reflect on your own beliefs about gender roles. Awareness is always the first step toward change.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Independent Couples vs. Codependent Couples
Call me an overly analytical psychologist, but one of the things I find fascinating is seeing how many different kinds of couples there are. Couples have all different kinds of relationship dynamics, and you can often see them on the surface when you socialize with them.
One thing that has always struck me is watching how couples vary in terms of how much they socialize together and how much they socialize apart. You know some couples where you almost never see one without the other, while you can think of another couple where the opposite is true. Is there a 'right' level of independence couples should have? How much is too much time to spend together? What is an unhealthy level of independence in a couple?
Usually, any therapist will tell you there is no 'right' way to be about anything. In this case, I disagree somewhat. I think there is a bit of a right answer. While I acknowledge that there is a spectrum, I also acknowledge that people lose themselves (their interests, ambitions, and uniqueness) when they spend all their time with one person. You can't fuse with another and expect to remain a separate entity. You need to have some level of independence within a couple to be healthy. This does not include going to work! Yes, that is time apart, but not time by choice. Couples who eat together, sleep together, go to church together, do everything socially together, blah, blah, blah, make me nervous.
In my clinical work, I have found that couples who do everything together secretly feel claustrophobic in the relationship and wish they had a little more breathing room. The claustrophobic feelings later morph into other problems and the relationship starts going south. If you are in a relationship, why not use this opportunity to have a discussion with your partner and ask him or her about their thoughts on this issue? Sometimes opening up the discussion can help people feel more free to elaborate when the discussion topic gets a little uncomfortable.
One thing that has always struck me is watching how couples vary in terms of how much they socialize together and how much they socialize apart. You know some couples where you almost never see one without the other, while you can think of another couple where the opposite is true. Is there a 'right' level of independence couples should have? How much is too much time to spend together? What is an unhealthy level of independence in a couple?
Usually, any therapist will tell you there is no 'right' way to be about anything. In this case, I disagree somewhat. I think there is a bit of a right answer. While I acknowledge that there is a spectrum, I also acknowledge that people lose themselves (their interests, ambitions, and uniqueness) when they spend all their time with one person. You can't fuse with another and expect to remain a separate entity. You need to have some level of independence within a couple to be healthy. This does not include going to work! Yes, that is time apart, but not time by choice. Couples who eat together, sleep together, go to church together, do everything socially together, blah, blah, blah, make me nervous.
In my clinical work, I have found that couples who do everything together secretly feel claustrophobic in the relationship and wish they had a little more breathing room. The claustrophobic feelings later morph into other problems and the relationship starts going south. If you are in a relationship, why not use this opportunity to have a discussion with your partner and ask him or her about their thoughts on this issue? Sometimes opening up the discussion can help people feel more free to elaborate when the discussion topic gets a little uncomfortable.
Monday, February 16, 2009
One Relationship You Don’t Often Think Of…
When you think ‘relationship,’ my guess is that your #1 association is a romantic one. The truth, however, is that you have all kinds of relationships – those with people, objects, and even ideas. Often in this blog I focus on romantic relationships because romantic relationships can be such a struggle. Today, though, we are going to focus on something else.
Last week I attended a community mental health meeting in which one of the leaders asked the audience to contact their local congressmen and senators to fight for mental health dollars in the state of California. Today, as it is President’s Day, I got to thinking more generally about what our relationship is like with our president and our elected officials, overall. I reflected on the call that was made to us last week in that meeting to use our beliefs and our pens to write to those in power and stand up for what we believe in.
That said, what is your relationship with your elected officials? When was the last time you wrote a letter to an elected official and fought for something you care about? Maybe I should take a step and ask: Have you ever written to an elected official?
I will tell the truth and admit that I have not. It’s a little embarrassing because I do follow current events closely and vote in every election. How, then, have I lost touch with one of the most important ways to engage in political activism? I, like many others, get so caught up in the day to day humdrum that this concept slips my mind.
I believe holidays are important because they often remind us of things we take for granted, and President’s Day is a great example. Think about an issue that you care about and make a pact this year to write one – just one – letter to an elected official this year. This activism and assertion of what you want and need will improve your relationship with your elected officials and serve as an important reminder that your thoughts count, too!
Last week I attended a community mental health meeting in which one of the leaders asked the audience to contact their local congressmen and senators to fight for mental health dollars in the state of California. Today, as it is President’s Day, I got to thinking more generally about what our relationship is like with our president and our elected officials, overall. I reflected on the call that was made to us last week in that meeting to use our beliefs and our pens to write to those in power and stand up for what we believe in.
That said, what is your relationship with your elected officials? When was the last time you wrote a letter to an elected official and fought for something you care about? Maybe I should take a step and ask: Have you ever written to an elected official?
I will tell the truth and admit that I have not. It’s a little embarrassing because I do follow current events closely and vote in every election. How, then, have I lost touch with one of the most important ways to engage in political activism? I, like many others, get so caught up in the day to day humdrum that this concept slips my mind.
I believe holidays are important because they often remind us of things we take for granted, and President’s Day is a great example. Think about an issue that you care about and make a pact this year to write one – just one – letter to an elected official this year. This activism and assertion of what you want and need will improve your relationship with your elected officials and serve as an important reminder that your thoughts count, too!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Dr. Seth's TIP OF THE DAY
Everyone has meetings to go to, and not everyone looks forward to all of them. The next time you have a meeting - for work, your church, whatever - bring a special snack for the group. It may sound like a little thing, but you will see how much others appreciate it when you provide a little nourishment. Share the love and you will get it back in spades!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW
When Relationships Turn Ugly: Domestic Violence
A high-profile couple became the focus of speculation and tabloid fodder over the past few days. Although this is not unusual, the allegations of assault are more upsetting than typical Hollywood gossip. While the specifics of this altercation are unclear, the disturbing rumors highlight the important issue of domestic abuse.
Teen violence is a subset of domestic violence, which has been gaining nationwide attention. The Center for Disease Control's 2007 Youth Risk Behavior Survey found that approximately 10 percent of adolescents nationwide report being assaulted by a boyfriend or girlfriend during the previous year. Other statistics find that 1 in 3teenagers has experienced dating violence. Teen dating violence often goes unnoticed because teenagers are developing their independence and may be disinclined to report the abuse to an adult. Teens are inexperienced at dating and are just beginning to learn what is healthy in terms of relationships. Also, teens may fail to recognize the early warning signs that they are in an abusive relationship. They may romanticize early warning signs, such as a partner's controlling behavior and extreme jealously as "proof that he loves me." Because of these and other reasons, February 2nd-6th is National Teen Violence Awareness and Prevention Week.
It is an opportune time to educate ourselves and others about the problem. Domestic violence encompasses a range of behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, or threaten an intimate partner. It takes many forms--physical, emotional, psychological and economic among others. It is usually about one partner gaining control and power over the other. It can occur regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or age.
Teens experiencing abuse may demonstrate a sudden shift in behavior. Changes in academic performance, truancy, emotional outbursts, alcohol/drug use and increased isolation are just a few of the possible signs. Teenagers need to learn that they deserve to be treated with respect and that have the ability to create healthy relationships. The first step in this learning process may be a caring adult simply noticing their situation and offering help.
If you, or someone you know, are a victim of domestic violence there are many national and local resources.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.ndvh.org
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: www.loveisrespect.org
1-866-331-9474
Sources: Office on Violence Against Women, National Domestic Violence Hotline
A high-profile couple became the focus of speculation and tabloid fodder over the past few days. Although this is not unusual, the allegations of assault are more upsetting than typical Hollywood gossip. While the specifics of this altercation are unclear, the disturbing rumors highlight the important issue of domestic abuse.
Teen violence is a subset of domestic violence, which has been gaining nationwide attention. The Center for Disease Control's 2007 Youth Risk Behavior Survey found that approximately 10 percent of adolescents nationwide report being assaulted by a boyfriend or girlfriend during the previous year. Other statistics find that 1 in 3teenagers has experienced dating violence. Teen dating violence often goes unnoticed because teenagers are developing their independence and may be disinclined to report the abuse to an adult. Teens are inexperienced at dating and are just beginning to learn what is healthy in terms of relationships. Also, teens may fail to recognize the early warning signs that they are in an abusive relationship. They may romanticize early warning signs, such as a partner's controlling behavior and extreme jealously as "proof that he loves me." Because of these and other reasons, February 2nd-6th is National Teen Violence Awareness and Prevention Week.
It is an opportune time to educate ourselves and others about the problem. Domestic violence encompasses a range of behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, or threaten an intimate partner. It takes many forms--physical, emotional, psychological and economic among others. It is usually about one partner gaining control and power over the other. It can occur regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or age.
Teens experiencing abuse may demonstrate a sudden shift in behavior. Changes in academic performance, truancy, emotional outbursts, alcohol/drug use and increased isolation are just a few of the possible signs. Teenagers need to learn that they deserve to be treated with respect and that have the ability to create healthy relationships. The first step in this learning process may be a caring adult simply noticing their situation and offering help.
If you, or someone you know, are a victim of domestic violence there are many national and local resources.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.ndvh.org
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: www.loveisrespect.org
1-866-331-9474
Sources: Office on Violence Against Women, National Domestic Violence Hotline
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Is A Rebound Relationship Always Bad?
Everyone’s heard it before: “That relationship will never last because it’s just a rebound.” But is this always true?
Therapists and others who specialize in navigating relationship issues will usually always encourage the same kind of behavior after a breakup – take time and learn how to be alone. I fit neatly into that camp of people, believing strongly that taking inventory of what was good and bad in the last relationship is critical in order to find a better relationship.
Here comes the big ‘however.’ Some men and women get immediately into another relationship and that relationship actually works for a long time – perhaps even forever. Other men and women betray their partners and leave their partners for someone else, and the new relationship actually lasts. In other words, when it comes to love and relationships, there is no perfect recipe in terms of creating a lasting union.
Despite the fact that there are always exceptions to every rule, we can hold some generalizations to be true in many cases. In general, it is important to learn how to be alone. For this reason, it’s a good idea to take some time in between relationships so that you 1) don’t carry emotional baggage into your new relationship and 2) figure out your part in why the previous relationship failed. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a successful relationship without these two ingredients, but it’s kind of like an insurance policy. No, your house usually doesn’t burn down, but you get the fire insurance anyway to protect yourself just in case.
The point is that while not all rebounds are bad, why make it a rebound? Why start another relationship so quickly? If you wait a while, it wouldn’t be a rebound – it would simply be your next relationship. The reason why rebound relationships get a bad rap is because they are believed to be fake or cover-ups. The idea is that the man or woman who found a rebound relationship is doing so to avoid all the negative stuff that comes with a breakup – loneliness, sadness, or even anger.
One of the things I constantly say to my clients in my private practice is that the very feelings they want to run from are the very feelings they need to learn to sit with. Enough with acting out on the feelings – adults must learn to feel them and manage them to move on healthily. Though some men and women can make a rebound relationship work, I would encourage you to take out your own emotional insurance policy and take a little time before you enter Loveland again.
Therapists and others who specialize in navigating relationship issues will usually always encourage the same kind of behavior after a breakup – take time and learn how to be alone. I fit neatly into that camp of people, believing strongly that taking inventory of what was good and bad in the last relationship is critical in order to find a better relationship.
Here comes the big ‘however.’ Some men and women get immediately into another relationship and that relationship actually works for a long time – perhaps even forever. Other men and women betray their partners and leave their partners for someone else, and the new relationship actually lasts. In other words, when it comes to love and relationships, there is no perfect recipe in terms of creating a lasting union.
Despite the fact that there are always exceptions to every rule, we can hold some generalizations to be true in many cases. In general, it is important to learn how to be alone. For this reason, it’s a good idea to take some time in between relationships so that you 1) don’t carry emotional baggage into your new relationship and 2) figure out your part in why the previous relationship failed. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a successful relationship without these two ingredients, but it’s kind of like an insurance policy. No, your house usually doesn’t burn down, but you get the fire insurance anyway to protect yourself just in case.
The point is that while not all rebounds are bad, why make it a rebound? Why start another relationship so quickly? If you wait a while, it wouldn’t be a rebound – it would simply be your next relationship. The reason why rebound relationships get a bad rap is because they are believed to be fake or cover-ups. The idea is that the man or woman who found a rebound relationship is doing so to avoid all the negative stuff that comes with a breakup – loneliness, sadness, or even anger.
One of the things I constantly say to my clients in my private practice is that the very feelings they want to run from are the very feelings they need to learn to sit with. Enough with acting out on the feelings – adults must learn to feel them and manage them to move on healthily. Though some men and women can make a rebound relationship work, I would encourage you to take out your own emotional insurance policy and take a little time before you enter Loveland again.
Monday, February 9, 2009
A Bad Temper Can Destroy A Relationship
The world watched last week as the popular Hollywood actor Christian Bale unleashed his rage onto a member of the crew on a set where he was filming a movie. Wow, watch out – I’m certainly glad I wasn’t the target of that rage.
Though Christian Bale’s temper was exposed to the world, he’s hardly alone in the temper department. In fact, many men and women allow themselves to have a temper and go off one innocent people at a moment’s notice. The people close to those individuals with the tempers – they’re the ones that really suffer. They often walk on eggshells, afraid that the next explosion could come at any minute.
While I have sympathy for those close to the men and women with the tempers, I also have some sympathy for the men and women themselves. It must be awful to be overwhelmed with so much angry emotion and not know what the heck to do with it. Sadly, they often make things worse by pushing their loved ones away. When they need love and support the most, they often find themselves alone.
For those with the tempers, please learn how to 1) accept that you have a problem and 2) manage your thoughts and feelings so that your temper doesn’t weigh down the rest of your life – you deserve better.
For those loved ones or co-workers who have to walk on eggshells, ask yourself if the temper is something you can live with. I often say that a good way to approach a problem - once a pattern has been detected - is to assign a timeframe to allow change to occur, and give the person a chance to change within that timeframe. If that time comes and goes, and there is still no change or not enough change, you really need to evaluate if you can function long-term in this relationship.
Though Christian Bale’s temper was exposed to the world, he’s hardly alone in the temper department. In fact, many men and women allow themselves to have a temper and go off one innocent people at a moment’s notice. The people close to those individuals with the tempers – they’re the ones that really suffer. They often walk on eggshells, afraid that the next explosion could come at any minute.
While I have sympathy for those close to the men and women with the tempers, I also have some sympathy for the men and women themselves. It must be awful to be overwhelmed with so much angry emotion and not know what the heck to do with it. Sadly, they often make things worse by pushing their loved ones away. When they need love and support the most, they often find themselves alone.
For those with the tempers, please learn how to 1) accept that you have a problem and 2) manage your thoughts and feelings so that your temper doesn’t weigh down the rest of your life – you deserve better.
For those loved ones or co-workers who have to walk on eggshells, ask yourself if the temper is something you can live with. I often say that a good way to approach a problem - once a pattern has been detected - is to assign a timeframe to allow change to occur, and give the person a chance to change within that timeframe. If that time comes and goes, and there is still no change or not enough change, you really need to evaluate if you can function long-term in this relationship.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
When Flirtation Goes Too Far: Watching Your Partner Flirt With Someone Else
When you’re in a relationship, a little flirting is arguably healthy and normal. Those who say one should never flirt with someone else most likely unconsciously flirt (at least a little) when their partner is not present. We’re only human and our sexuality lives on, regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.
What do you do, however, when you witness your partner flirting with someone else and you feel like it goes a step too far? What if it lasts a little too long or gets a little touchy for your liking?
What you do is address it. You check the behavior in the moment so that you clearly communicate that you don’t want the behavior to happen again. Rather than grab your partner’s arm and jerk him or her out of the conversation with the other guilty party, take a break and sit the conversation out for a few minutes. When you can be sure that you’ve regained composure and won’t cause more drama, ask your partner to talk with you alone for a minute.
When you address it, don’t make huge generalizations or call your partner names. Simply express what you observed and tell your partner how it made you feel. It always helps to add something like “maybe I’m just being extra-sensitive, but…” This technique is helpful because it makes your partner feel less attacked.
Finally, simply ask your partner that he or she not do it again. Don’t hold a grudge or let resentment settle in unless this behavior has become a pattern. Accept that we’re all human, that we all make mistakes, and that intimacy often increases in relationships when you work your way through problems together.
What do you do, however, when you witness your partner flirting with someone else and you feel like it goes a step too far? What if it lasts a little too long or gets a little touchy for your liking?
What you do is address it. You check the behavior in the moment so that you clearly communicate that you don’t want the behavior to happen again. Rather than grab your partner’s arm and jerk him or her out of the conversation with the other guilty party, take a break and sit the conversation out for a few minutes. When you can be sure that you’ve regained composure and won’t cause more drama, ask your partner to talk with you alone for a minute.
When you address it, don’t make huge generalizations or call your partner names. Simply express what you observed and tell your partner how it made you feel. It always helps to add something like “maybe I’m just being extra-sensitive, but…” This technique is helpful because it makes your partner feel less attacked.
Finally, simply ask your partner that he or she not do it again. Don’t hold a grudge or let resentment settle in unless this behavior has become a pattern. Accept that we’re all human, that we all make mistakes, and that intimacy often increases in relationships when you work your way through problems together.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Is Your Boss a Michael Scott?
One of my favorite T.V. shows is The Office, which depicts the frequent absurdity of corporate work life. The characters on the show are really fun to watch, especially the branch supervisor, Michael Scott. I think everyone has had at least one experience with a boss that drives them crazy. This person may not be malicious—they may be doing the best they can—but it is clear to all of their employees that they should not have a managerial position.
Managing a difficult boss is more challenging than dealing with a difficult co-worker. This is due to the power discrepancy between employee and boss. Employees Jim and Dwight constantly tease and play practical jokes on each other in The Office. They are act like quarreling little kids until Michael, their boss, intervenes. Michael is not subjected to the same kind of teasing because he is theoretically their superior at work and has some influence over their professional lives. Michael has good intentions, but he is often inappropriate and offensive. The Office employees tend to roll their eyes at Michael behind his back to blow off some of their aggression. No one, except maybe Toby in Human Resources, really feels like they can confront Michael about his behavior. Being the boss (at least on the show) gives you a free pass to let your crazy out.
It can be very frustrating to deal with a difficult boss. Many of us spend over forty hours a week at work and log more time with our co-workers more than with our families! If you have a difficult boss, it may help to write down all the things that drive you crazy about them. (Maybe do this at home, so your boss doesn’t accidentally find it). Can you change any of your own behavior to affect change with your boss? For example, what do you do if your boss is a chatty Kathy who monopolizes your time and keeps you from finishing work? Can you simply close your office door more frequently so that you are less available to him or her? Can you say something to your boss, such as, “Gosh that is an interesting story about bone meal, but I should really go and finish those quarterly reports?” Would your boss be receptive to discussing some of the issues directly? Always consider the consequences of confronting someone, as well as your ultimate objective. Also choose a time when neither you nor your supervisor is angry or upset.
Try to empathize with your boss. Why is this person so difficult? It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it might help you to understand them more and see them as more human. Also, you may need to make it a regular habit to just vent about the situation to a trusted friend, partner, or therapist. Use caution when venting to other co-workers. Workplaces tend to be political environments and while other co-workers may be feeling your pain, don’t compromise your own professionalism.
"People ask me, would you rather be feared or loved, um easy, I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."—Michael Scott, The Office
One of my favorite T.V. shows is The Office, which depicts the frequent absurdity of corporate work life. The characters on the show are really fun to watch, especially the branch supervisor, Michael Scott. I think everyone has had at least one experience with a boss that drives them crazy. This person may not be malicious—they may be doing the best they can—but it is clear to all of their employees that they should not have a managerial position.
Managing a difficult boss is more challenging than dealing with a difficult co-worker. This is due to the power discrepancy between employee and boss. Employees Jim and Dwight constantly tease and play practical jokes on each other in The Office. They are act like quarreling little kids until Michael, their boss, intervenes. Michael is not subjected to the same kind of teasing because he is theoretically their superior at work and has some influence over their professional lives. Michael has good intentions, but he is often inappropriate and offensive. The Office employees tend to roll their eyes at Michael behind his back to blow off some of their aggression. No one, except maybe Toby in Human Resources, really feels like they can confront Michael about his behavior. Being the boss (at least on the show) gives you a free pass to let your crazy out.
It can be very frustrating to deal with a difficult boss. Many of us spend over forty hours a week at work and log more time with our co-workers more than with our families! If you have a difficult boss, it may help to write down all the things that drive you crazy about them. (Maybe do this at home, so your boss doesn’t accidentally find it). Can you change any of your own behavior to affect change with your boss? For example, what do you do if your boss is a chatty Kathy who monopolizes your time and keeps you from finishing work? Can you simply close your office door more frequently so that you are less available to him or her? Can you say something to your boss, such as, “Gosh that is an interesting story about bone meal, but I should really go and finish those quarterly reports?” Would your boss be receptive to discussing some of the issues directly? Always consider the consequences of confronting someone, as well as your ultimate objective. Also choose a time when neither you nor your supervisor is angry or upset.
Try to empathize with your boss. Why is this person so difficult? It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it might help you to understand them more and see them as more human. Also, you may need to make it a regular habit to just vent about the situation to a trusted friend, partner, or therapist. Use caution when venting to other co-workers. Workplaces tend to be political environments and while other co-workers may be feeling your pain, don’t compromise your own professionalism.
"People ask me, would you rather be feared or loved, um easy, I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."—Michael Scott, The Office
Monday, February 2, 2009
Your Friend Is Going Through Something: To Intervene or Not to Intervene?
As we get older, our lives often get more complicated and we become wrapped up in the tribulations of our own daily lives. Sometimes, though, when we take a break from our own obligations and melodramas, we catch a glimpse of what’s really going on with a friend. When you realize that your friend is going through a rough patch and acting in unhealthy ways, what should you do? What is your definition of being a good friend to this person in such circumstances?
There are two primary camps of people when it comes to this issue – those who say “stay out of it” and those who say “it’s your job to step in and voice your concern.” I fall somewhere in the middle on this issue.
If your friend is going through something and acting out in ways that are self-destructive, I believe wholeheartedly that it’s important to broach your concerns with your friend. After all, something bad could happen and you don’t want your own inactivity to induce a guilty conscience later.
If your friend is simply in a bad way but not necessarily self-destructing or being destructive with others, I believe you must tread carefully in dealing with this issue. Ultimately, you can’t control another’s actions, so you need to understand that from the get-go. With that in mind, wait to see if the phase your friend is going through truly reflects a pattern. In other words, is the phase lasting longer than you think is normal?
If the phase is lasting long enough that you know your friend is not acting like his or her optimal self, you can acknowledge the issue with your friend in a very delicate, nonjudgmental way. Simply check in with your friend. Ask your friend “Is everything okay lately?” It’s okay, I believe, to say “I’m here if you ever want to talk – you know I love you and am here to support you in any way I can.” You don’t necessarily need to name the problem or say how you think your friend should do things differently.
Letting a friend know that you care enough to notice what’s going on with him or her will ultimately be appreciated. Hopefully, the support you offer and your friend’s own efforts to get back on track will culminate in the phase passing and your friend returning to the true friend you’ve always known and loved.
There are two primary camps of people when it comes to this issue – those who say “stay out of it” and those who say “it’s your job to step in and voice your concern.” I fall somewhere in the middle on this issue.
If your friend is going through something and acting out in ways that are self-destructive, I believe wholeheartedly that it’s important to broach your concerns with your friend. After all, something bad could happen and you don’t want your own inactivity to induce a guilty conscience later.
If your friend is simply in a bad way but not necessarily self-destructing or being destructive with others, I believe you must tread carefully in dealing with this issue. Ultimately, you can’t control another’s actions, so you need to understand that from the get-go. With that in mind, wait to see if the phase your friend is going through truly reflects a pattern. In other words, is the phase lasting longer than you think is normal?
If the phase is lasting long enough that you know your friend is not acting like his or her optimal self, you can acknowledge the issue with your friend in a very delicate, nonjudgmental way. Simply check in with your friend. Ask your friend “Is everything okay lately?” It’s okay, I believe, to say “I’m here if you ever want to talk – you know I love you and am here to support you in any way I can.” You don’t necessarily need to name the problem or say how you think your friend should do things differently.
Letting a friend know that you care enough to notice what’s going on with him or her will ultimately be appreciated. Hopefully, the support you offer and your friend’s own efforts to get back on track will culminate in the phase passing and your friend returning to the true friend you’ve always known and loved.
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