A Productive Argument Isn't Rocket Science

In a word, all you have to do is validate to get somewhere when you're arguing. I am offering here the 411 on validation. The word 'validation' gets thrown around like a beach ball in the summer, but it's important that you understand what it means. Quite simply, it's another word for 'listening.'

Sometimes we over-think things and make them more complicated than necessary. In an argument or disagreement, you must show the other person you are listening to what he or she is saying. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with it, but you must listen if you want to maintain any kind of working relationship with that person later.

Too often, people get heated in an argument and it turns into a power struggle that everyone wants to win. Say "see ya" to this adolescent wish and move on to the more adult compromise - flexibility.

The next time you have an argument with someone, validate that person's feelings simply by listening. Hear them out and you will find that they can move on a little more quickly. In addition, you will find that person become a little less angry and frustrated, and this, in turn, will help you to step down from your own anger stance. Practice makes perfect, so make an extra effort to listen the next time you're in the middle of a heated spat.

Dr. Seth's TIP OF THE DAY

It's winter this season, which means that it's a little chillier than usual. The winter is a great time to nest - stay home and create the most comforting environment possible. Take a day in the next week and set the goal to stimulate your senses in a soothing way. Make some warm soup on the stove, brew some hot tea, and curl up with your softest, favorite blanket on the coach. Take this day to light a candle, boil some potpourri, or buy yourself some flowers. Make this day all about soothing your senses. Treat yourself well! Trust me - you will find it rewarding.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Long Distance Relationships...a Do or a Don't?

This isn't an easily answered question. I work with many young adults, and I find that a significant percentage are involved in long-distance romantic relationships. These relationships seem especially prevalent among college students for a variety of reasons. Students may carry high school relationships into college, while some students meet friends of friends while traveling during an academic break. Whatever the reason, these relationships have unique advantages and disadvantages.

Absence may make the heart grow fonder--or at least prolong the "honeymoon" portion of the relationship. That new lover retains their novelty when you only get to see them once every couple months. People tend to stay on their best behavior in the initial phases of a relationship. The distance forces couples to communicate and get to know each other through phone conversations, emails, and texting. Physical contact is less frequent, which means that sex can be even more exciting when it finally happens. (Nothing like weeks of texting to add to the anticipation). But these advantages can also have serious drawbacks that can potentially derail a new relationship.

Physical distance can make it more difficult to get to know a potential partner and build real intimacy. To truly know someone, you need to see see their many facets--not just their best. This takes more time in a long-distance relationship. Communication can be more difficult because emails and text messages and even phone calls lack the nonverbal information that adds so much to a conversation. Couples in long-distance relationships may be prone to miscommunication and misinterpretation. I also find that jealousy plays a more significant role in long-distance relationships. Having an affair with someone you barely know is exciting in part because you can project all sorts of traits onto the person. While many people idealize their romantic partners, others project their fears and baggage from past relationships. Both scenarios create problems and both blind you to the reality of the relationship you are currently creating.

The key to long-distance relationships is communication. Talking to your partner about your needs, wants, and fears foster real intimacy and helps prevent misunderstandings that can thwart the best relationships.

Ready, Set…Get (and Stay) Political

People who know me or who follow my blog know that I am a political junkie. Many of the television shows I watch are about politics, I take time on the weekend to read the Los Angeles Times, and I follow current events online throughout the week. Any chance I get, I will talk with friends or family about what’s going on in the world.

There is so much to learn and so much going on! The media provides such an onslaught of information that you can never keep up – but you can try. I wasn’t always a follower of politics and current events. After I finished graduate school at age 29, I had a little more time on my hands. With that time, I found myself drawn to what’s going on out there in the world, beyond the confines of a classroom or my dissertation.

I know that many of you are besieged with so many responsibilities that taking time to read the newspaper or to follow political blogs or websites seems like an absolute luxury. However, whenever you have the chance, ask yourself how aware you are of current events and how much time you devote each week to following them. Barack Obama has inspired millions in recent history to become more aware of their environment and to get engaged in the political process, and we can use him as a reminder for what we need to do ourselves.

Do you vote? If so, do you vote in all elections or just in some? Many people will vote for President but won’t vote for judges or councilmen and women because they don’t know anything about them. Don’t get down on yourself if you’re not voting across the board, but do demand of yourself that you vote for something in every election. You are a valuable contributor to society and you can help shape the way things are done in this country.

In the recent past, we’ve also witnessed celebrity activism in far reaches of the world – and I’m in complete support of this. I’d rather have Angelina Jolie’s trip to Africa teach me the name of an unfamiliar African city than hear about where she bought her latest house with Brad Pitt. However, celebrities aren’t the only ones who have the power to get involved and to make an impact.

In my clinical practice, one of the things I am always asking my clients to do is to evaluate all of the departments of their lives and ask themselves if they are truly fulfilled. Everyone struggles with loneliness to some degree, and some adults must carry the burden of having had difficult childhoods. Regarding such clients, I ask them whether they’ve ever considered being a mentor to a child through a social service program, or getting involved with one of the countless Boys and Girls Clubs. The reality is that there are many ways one can be political and get involved in their community.

Community involvement is no more important than engagement in the political process in the larger country and world. Reading about what’s going on is critical – you need to be involved either mentally or physically in the political process to grow and to make the world a better place. The steps are simple – one is learning what’s going on, and the second is figuring out what behaviors you can engage in to try to make the kind of changes you’d like to see. Finally, vote, vote, vote!

Guest Blogger: Amanda Kane, LSW

Mr. President, Don't Forget to Observe Your Limits!

I have to admit that the election of Barack Obama has turned me into a CNN junkie.
For about the past year I have been hungry for information and commentary about this transformational political figure. I sat glued to the TV for most of Tuesday watching the inauguration. As I followed the ceremony and pomp, my heart was full
of many emotions. I felt great pride in my country, and I thought a few, somewhat intellectual thoughts about the significance of this day in our national history. But the idea that I kept returning to was very mundane. How will the president keep up with the relentless pace required of the job? 10 inaugural balls and then he has to work tomorrow? Superhuman demands!

Often regular, non-presidential sort of people begin therapy because they are feeling overwhelmed with the various demands so life. Women in particular are susceptible to this particular kind of burn-out. We attempt to meet the needs of others and sometimes leave ourselves on the back-burner. But what we often forget is that without adequately taking care of ourselves we cannot meet the needs of others. This is a very important lesson to internalize. Neglecting our own needs leads
to subtle (and not so subtle) resentments towards those who depend on us. These resentments can erode the very relationships we care about most. Although many people feel guilty about putting themselves ahead of others, I would argue that this kind of healthy selfishness will nourish you and make you more equipped to meet whatever challenges come your way.

During the presidential campaign Barack Obama was sometimes criticized for taking time out of his unrelenting schedule to play a game of basketball or work out at the gym. I feel like these criticisms are totally ridiculous! It is a sign of psychological health that Mr. Obama took this time for himself. We live in a culture that values work and productivity, but sometimes taking a break from your work is
the most productive. Everyone (even the President) has limits. We only have a finite amount of energy, attention, and resources to spend.

Many of my most high functioning, successful clients have trouble acknowledging their own limits. They understand the concept from an intellectual standpoint, but they have trouble truly believing in their personal boundaries. More importantly, people find it difficult to allow themselves to observe their limits without judgement. If we constantly push ourselves to (and beyond) our maximum, we pay the costs with our emotional and/or physical health, with our relationships, or in some other significant way. Our limits are not fixed--they are flexible and change with our circumstances. While you may be able to attend 10 inaugural balls and stay up until 4 am on one evening in January, this is not something that anyone can do consistently.

No one is superhuman. Not even Mr. Obama. And I hope that he continues to carve out time for himself recognize his limits. He would be modeling healthy behavior and set (yet another) powerful example for over worked, over involved people everywhere.

HOT TOPIC: Caroline Kennedy's Political Swan Song

Yesterday I learned that Caroline Kennedy has decided to withdraw her bid for the York Senate seat that is currently up for grabs, citing personal reasons that include increased concern for her ailing relative - political powerhouse Ted Kennedy.

I care a lot about this issue, as I explain in an article I published at Psychology Today. Here's the link if you want to take a look: http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainstorm/200901/caroline-kennedyand-you.

My article identifies how her name functions like a litmus test in terms of how people react to money and fame, and favoritism in the elitist of professional and social circles. I can't help but think about recent reports that a major poll showed that New Yorkers like her less than they did prior to her recent media roll-out, and wonder, as Larry King suggested on his show last night, whether she is using this personal reason as an excuse. Is she leaving the race to avoid the risk of emerging as a loser?

I hope this is not the case. If she heard from Governor Paterson that she was not going to be chosen, I hope that she would not deceive the public and manipulate the public's emotions (citing the need to take care of Teddy). This could be a wonderful opportunity for Caroline Kennedy to emerge from the race with grace and honesty. As many men and women tend to put the rich and famous on pedestals and wish they could be more like these revered figures, the rich and famous have the opportunity to embody important lessons that can make the world wiser.

It's impossible to know the behind-closed-door events when it comes to this specific situation, but it's a good rule for all of us to remember that the ultimate goal must be to live our lives with honesty and grace - even when it's inconvenient and unpleasant to do so.

Parents: Don’t Use Your Children As A Pawn

Let’s be honest: It’s a rare divorced or separated couple who can get along smoothly. Yeah, Bruce and Demi seem to do it, but they’re celebrities, and celebrities have a way of making everything look easier. Breaking up, particularly when you have kids, is one of the most trying periods a person could go through in life. In my private practice, I have watched men and women deal with the complexities of children and divorce, and see just how painful the experience can be. One of the greatest concerns that I have as therapist concerning this process is how the process affects the kids.

Parents: Please keep your children out of the conflict between the two of you as much as possible. Children don’t have the life experience and thick skin to draw from when faced with tough situations, so they will either internalize or externalize all their negative feelings. Though you, as parents, must deal with a lot of negative feelings yourselves, you can be good parents by protecting your children from the emotional nitty-gritty.

One of the most consistent behavior patterns that separating moms and dads tend to show after the separation is to vent their feelings about each other to their children. Dad might mutter under his breath, “she doesn’t care,” while Mom might express her frustration, “he spoils you because he has the money and I don’t.”

Many Moms and Dads have got this understanding down –this is like Parenting 101 for them, all over again. For others, however, they can get so overwhelmed by their own emotions that stop to think about how venting to their children impacts them. The problem is that using your children as targets for venting or using your children as therapists is exploitative – you use them as objects or pawns that are there to support you. The cardinal rule in parenting, however, is that parents’ sole purpose is to support and protect their children – not the other way around. Yes, this line changes a bit when the children become adults, but the children should always be left out of the negative emotions induced by their parents’ separation or divorce.

Meeting A Good Egg In Mid-Life

One of the most common problems that middle aged men and women report is the difficulty finding good dating material. Women, in particular, often feel that there is a built-in bias that makes dating more difficult in middle age than it is for men – they argue men often go for younger women. While we’ll leave this issue to be explored further on “The View” and other chat fests, it is important to discuss ways for men and women to try to meet someone.

Some single women and men in middle age are fairly social. Some work, and inherit a social community through their job, while others gain a social life through the network of their children’s activities, church, or other social functions. The most important thing for men and women in middle age to do if they’re genuinely seeking a partner is to get out of the house – odds are that the rap on the door is more likely Domino’s than your knight in shining armor.

That said, where do you go? The best way to plot your course of action is to check in with yourself. What are your interests, hobbies, and passions? If no passions come to mind, stick with your interests. What do you like to do? Come up with a list of things you like to do that are free, and a separate list of things that cost money. Take that last list (the things that cost money) and break it down into categories – inexpensive, expensive, very expensive. Take a look at your budget and come up with an amount of money you can spend each month for the next six months on pleasurable activities.

Next you must come up with a list of possible places where you can engage in the activities you like. Some activities are more difficult to do (playing doubles tennis, for example, because you need other people). Some activities are easy (sitting in a beautiful park and people watch on a nice, sunny day). The list is endless of the things you can do, but the common denominator is to put yourself out there.

The next step – once you’re out there – is to engage with others. Smile and say hello, or feel free to offer your name. Often men and women feel shy but then miss out on the chance to connect – don’t let yourself fall in this trap. Come up with a mantra you can repeat in your head when you are doing your activities in case you start to feel a little silly, lonely, or out of place. Say to yourself “I deserve to meet someone sweet,” or “Step out of your comfort zone and live a little.”

Hopefully these ideas will yield some positive results. Remember that finding meaningful dating material can be tough, so be a good friend to yourself in the process!

Bad Kissers Deserve A Second Chance!

One of the most consistent patterns I find in my private practice is that men and women too quickly dismiss potential partners for a reason that isn’t necessarily that important. Though not a client, I can think of an acquaintance who once said she decided she couldn’t go on another date with a certain man because he said the word “guesstimate” at dinner. She thought this was just ridiculous – and couldn’t stomach the thought of what other silly words he might have in store for her later.

How someone kisses is another example of a behavior that, for some, can be a deal breaker. Some people joke that you must test-drive the sex with someone in order to figure out if the sex will ever be any good. Similarly, some people judge someone’s sexual attractiveness based on how well they kiss on a first date. Come on people, isn’t that a bit shallow? If, in fact, this behavior is that important to you, perhaps your badly kissing date would consider attending a major conference to improve his or her status. Okay, maybe that’s not so realistic…

The point is that men and women must have open minds as they look for an appropriate partner. One of the things I like to say when people complain about their partners behavior is: Imagine when we’re all 80 and sitting around in nursing homes – is this something you’ll look back on as being that important? It may sound silly, but I believe this scenario – imagining how you’ll view things at 80 – helps to put things in perspective.

As you reflect on this issue, ask yourself if it’s possible that someone you’ve dated has dismissed you for some superficial reason. Dating is all about karma, I believe, and you must learn to receive what you dish out. If you dismiss someone for a simple, idiosyncratic reason, you must give full license to someone else in the future to dismiss you just the same.

The next time you meet someone and decide that you don’t like something about him or her, be sure to ask yourself if the reason is good enough. In other words, ask yourself if you are dismissing someone without giving him or her a fair shake. When it comes to dismissing someone because he or she is a bad kisser, or is awkward in some other way, remember that some of these behaviors improve with intimacy – and intimacy is like a garden that takes a lot of tending.

Dating: The New Informational Interview

Hands down, the most effective way to conceptualize dating is to view it as informational interviewing. Don’t confuse this with testing your date - resorting to psychological manipulations to figure out who he or she really is. However, an informational interview is innocent enough – you need to find out certain things about a person and you accomplish this by asking honest questions.

The important point about dating as informational interviewing is that it keeps the focus on you – what are you looking for a in a partner? Is this the right person for you? Is this going to be a good match?

Too often dating triggers insecurities, causing men and women to fall into the position of wanting to be wanted or liked. The reality: who cares? If so-and-so isn’t into you, why does it matter? It’s only going to work out if the two of you both like each other, so…next!

Dating as informational interviewing acknowledges that you can’t presume anything about a person – you need to get to know a person to figure out who he or she is. Dating in this manner allows you to ask questions that are important to you, but you must take careful notice of the answers. Feel a red flag lurking in the distance? Don’t overlook it just because you’re sexually attracted!

The second point is that dating as informational interviewing is necessary but not sufficient for you to get a true sense of the person you’re dating. The other half of the equation comes down to their behavior –does their walk match their talk? If he says he’s organized and sensitive, does he arrive on time and listen to you talk about your day? If she says she’s ambitious, that’s great – but is she actively working toward some sort of career goal?

Finally, relax and allow your date to interview you, too. When you answer, tell the truth about your life and who you are. Though you may fudge a little bit in the truth department in week one or two, your date is going to start to see the real you sooner or later. And that’s a good thing, right?

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

The Importance of Dinner and Saying Thank You

Couples in counseling frequently ask me for concrete suggestions to improve their relationships. While every romantic pairing is unique with specific needs, all relationships can benefit from some simple, yet meaningful gestures.

Creating a special meal for your partner is both a concrete way to nourish him or her, as well as a symbolic act that communicates caring and nurturing. The time and energy involved in planning a menu, grocery shopping, and cooking are thoughtful undertakings that should not be taken for granted. Most couples are extremely pressed for time with work, kids, and other commitments, which makes executing a special meal all the more impressive. Even if you don't consider yourself a cook, occasionally attempting to make your partner's favorite foods and carving out time to sit down with them and enjoy it can be a intimate experience. Sometimes couples forget how much they communicate to their partners through their actions. Hopefully you have a partner who will recognize your hard work and respond appropriately.

This leads me to the importance of saying "Thank You" and not taking your partner or their efforts for granted. Sometimes couples who have been together for a significant amount of time forget to say these simple words. It is vital to remember that everyone wants to be recognized for their efforts, even in cases where the effort is expected. So even if your husband takes out the trash every night because it is his designated responsibility, it might be a good idea to say "Thanks." And if he makes you dinner and burns it, I would suggest also appreciating his intention--even if the outcome could be improved. If he feels appreciated then he may be more apt to make that lasagna again (practice makes perfect!).

Unexpectedly thank your partner for something and see what happens. It can only improve your relationship!

Her Greatest Dating Pet Peeve Is…

A good friend of mine, Sandra, is single and looking. She’d love to meet a guy who has his life together and can make an important addition to her life. I can assuredly tell you that Sandra is a great catch – sweet, warm, and funny. She has no problem attracting men though she has a tough time finding a man to whom she is sexually and emotionally attracted.

My friend set 2009 as the year she was going to meet someone great, and I’m confident this will happen. In talking with her about dating, Sandra told me what she does and does not like in a man. She also went a step further and told me her turn-ons and turn-offs when she first meets a guy.

Her greatest dating pet peeve is a man who uses a “line” to snag her like a wiggling fish looking for a sip of water. She told me one of the lines that turned her off the most: “Do you have a quarter? I told my mom I’d give her a call the moment I found the woman I‘m going to marry.” I don’t know who said this, but I think he might have a career as a writer of romantic cards or screenplays for a Lifetime television movie.

My friend Sandra’s point is that she gets turned off by men who come on to her as if being slick is somehow attractive. In lieu of this silly, gamey behavior, she prefers a man to approach her and say something genuine. After all, she explains, it’s a not a tight rope course – it’s just an introduction.

Sandra’s feedback is important, I think, because it reminds us that coming across as down-to-earth and real are the real gems – these are the traits that are attractive in the beginning and over the long haul. Regardless of whether you are a man or a woman looking for love, don’t let yourself fall into trying too hard. The only thing you should really need to say to connect with someone is “hello” and you can offer a simple smile. If there’s chemistry, there will be no need for silly, gamey lines.

Don’t Idealize Romantic Flings

It has probably happened to each and every one of us – a brief romantic encounter that we carry with us for years. Perhaps you met that person on vacation, or may have met him or her while traveling on business in another area. You may have been twenty or you may have been forty. The point is that the memory of a fling can be powerful.

In writing this article, I am reminded of a popular song by Carly Simon entitled “Better Not Tell Her.” She sings the song to a man with whom she had a brief rendez-vous, and this man happened to be involved already. Ms. Simon advises him about how he should handle his return to his wife after the affair affair is over, as she sings “just leave out the white nights, the moon in your window, the break in your whisper, she won’t need to know.”

The problem with such a rendez-vous (independent of the glaring infidelity!) is that this song reminds us how we can all carry fleeting flings into our normal lives. The reality, however, is that these flings shouldn’t be romanticized or idealized because they are completely unreal. In the context of a brief affair, two people don’t truly know each other and the setting is often one of relaxation and abandon.

The goal in love is to learn how to have a vital love life in the context of a fairly normal daily routine. Men and women must learn how to have intimacy within a long-term relationship. Brief flings from the past often interfere with intimacy at home because they provide a false belief that this abandon is real love. No, this is not real love – this is lust. How about trying to reinvigorate that sense of lust ion a long-term relationship? It can happen, though it might take a little bit of effort!

Floundering in Love: When to Bow Out

Knowing when to call it quits in love is difficult – in fact, it can feel downright impossible. The truth is, however, that sometimes men and women make it more difficult and confusing than it needs to be. Understand that over-thinking anything can make a decision more complex. In this way, you can actually run interference in your own life. It’s a good rule of thumb to remind yourself that you should never get in your OWN way in making a decision. You should simply use your judgment and make the best decision possible.

How do you use good judgment in deciding when it’s time to leave a relationship? My friend Dr. Bethany Marshall, a Beverly Hills and Pasadena psychologist, wrote a book about how to handle this issue. That book, Deal Breakers, can provide a thorough guide to this navigate this problem. However, there is one main factor I will offer as a good stepping stone.

One of the best ways to make sense of the past and learn from it is to detect patterns. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, how long have you been unhappy? Let’s go a step further and look at what makes you unhappy to see if there’s a pattern. First, are the issues behavioral (he comes home too late, disrespects you in public, etc.) or are the issues more reflective of personality traits (she lies to you, is overly dependent, etc.)?

Determine if there is a consistent pattern that is making you unhappy, and then determine whether the main problem is a behavior or personality factor. There is no time limit I can tell you that is healthy – no set measure that says give him “3 months to change or else!” However, the more conscious you are of the patterns - and whether they reflect behavioral or personality issues – the better you will be able to make a decision based on sound judgment. Sometimes when we can articulate the problem more clearly, we can have a better idea about how to proceed in the future. Most importantly, we can have a better sense of whether we see the problem remaining or changing.

In the end, remember that we have only one life to live that we know about. My hope is that you live this one as happily and fully as possible, and that you find a loving relationship that lasts.

BFFs: Best Friends Aren’t Forever

When kids are young, they often have a best friend and proclaim it throughout the land. As kids develop their own identities, they often pull someone along with them which makes that goal a little easier. Establishing on the first day of camp who your best friend will be is more a function of anxiety than truly having found your soul mate.

If you think back to the best friends you had as a child, you can probably think of at least a couple. Best friends aren’t forever because kids – and later, adults - change so much along the way. Two friends often outgrow each other much in the same way lovers often do.

What about best friends in adulthood? Once you become an adult and figure out who you are a little more certainly, does your best friend remain a little more constant?

In my clinical work in my private practice, one of the things I find is that therapy often causes a person to look at all of his or her relationships and take inventory of them. Sometimes therapy puts you in better touch with your emotional needs, and that journey sometimes alters your relationships – and who you seek out as friends.

As people age, their friends tend to remain more stable. However, men and women also often report that their best friend is their romantic partner. What happens if this relationship ends? It’s time to go looking for a new best friend!

I am a strong believer that having old friends is one of the best forms of social support you can have. Old friends know you like family. They can offer comfort as you age and go through some difficult experiences. Because best friends aren’t forever and can change from time to time, make sure to keep some good, old friends around you. There’s nothing quite like an old friend.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Beware of Facebook

I work with many young adults in my clinical practice who are active on social networking sites such as facebook, MySpace, and LinkedIn. These sites provide a plethora of opportunities to connect with others. Email and text messaging are similar vehicles that have tremendous positive applications.

But while technology has made it easier than ever to stay up-to-date on your best friend’s relationship or even what she is doing at that this very moment, these modes of contact can also complicate communication.

Written communication lacks the nonverbal data that adds crucial information to an exchange. Tone of voice and body language are the nonverbal cues that add richness to a conversation.

It is important to be mindful that a lack of nonverbal information can cause miscommunication and confusion. It reminds me of a popular grammar book by Lynne Truss. The title of the book plays with the idea that punctuation—in this case a simple comma—can transform our understanding of a phrase. The book is entitled, “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” versus “Eats Shoots and Leaves.” The grammar in the title makes all the difference in our understanding of the phrase. Analogously, nonverbals are the punctuation of our verbal exchanges.

Remember the challenges of interpreting emails and text messages because they lack context and nonverbal information. Sarcasm and jokes may be lost on the person reading your facebook post. If you feel confused about a message someone sent you, it may be in the best interest of the relationship to have a conversation about it the old-fashioned way—in person.

New Film “Revolutionary Road” Dishes on Relationships

I was lucky in the past week to see a special screening of the new film “Revolutionary Road,” starring Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslett. Chief among the many reasons why I liked the film was the message it sent about relationships.

The characters, played brilliantly by Dicaprio and Winslett, are a young married couple who gets pregnant and moves to suburbs to settle down. The problem? Each seemed to forget to ask themselves what they truly wanted out of life before they made some of their biggest decisions. In order to avoid spoiling the film, I will simply say that the film underscores the need to be conscious and vigilant of your true emotional needs or else you’ll have trouble down the road.

Society advertises that the ultimate social prize is rendered by living up to the quintessential version of the American family – mom and dad, children, and a yard that fences in the grass in which the children play. But what if this life isn’t for everyone? Would it be considered ‘normal’ if a couple loved each other but simply didn’t want children? I am sure that some people would question them: “Why not?” or worse, “Aren’t you afraid you’ll regret it once it’s too late?”

The film “Revolutionary Road” is like an academic version of a talk show that focuses on modern day relationship issues. It urges consciousness and says that each of us must be true to ourselves or else - our sacrifices will later lead to significant resentment. The way out of this problem is to acknowledge that every person is entitled to a unique life path and that we must not judge others who have chosen a path that looks different from our own.

Finally, people must talk openly in their relationships about their plans for their future – what each partner wants and doesn’t want. Discussing these issues early on is much better than discussing them once it’s too late and resentment has been set in stone.

When Married Couples Date

Recently I was asked by the editor of a popular website, Mommie911, to write an article about rekindling romance among couples who become all-absorbed by the task of raising small children. After I finished the article, it occurred to me that couples with small children aren’t the only ones who need to rekindle a little romance.

I started thinking about how many couples who have been together a long time probably don’t spend a lot of time or energy coming up with fresh date ideas. In all likelihood, they have fallen in to their patterns – returning to the same restaurants, repeating some of their favorite vacations, and socializing with the same set of friends.

I am here to suggest that you try something different in 2009. The beginning of a new year is a great time to start creating new patterns. Ever heard of a wine-of-the-month club or something to that effect? What about a date of the month club?

You and your loved one could come up with a list of fun, exciting things to do once a month, and make that plan a reality. Try doing things that stimulate the senses – take a massage or cooking class, or put on your athletic clothes and do something outdoors.

The point is that it is important to refresh your romantic batteries, and one of the best ways to do this is to put energy into creating meaningful dates that will bring the two of you close together.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I wish all of you the happiest and healthiest 2009. Take time today to give thanks for all of the blessings in your life, and use the wisdom you gained in 2008 to make 2009 even brighter!