Think about the amount of time that you spend at work. Thousands of hours per year, right? That's a lot of time to spend with someone if you happen to dislike him or her. In most cases, people get along fine with others at work.
Years ago, Chris Rock included in his stand-up act a bit about when people feel they have enemies at work. Comedians naturally gravitate toward discussing such topics because everyone can relate. Often you get along with most people at work, but one or two people can drive you crazy.
Having this experience at work is a great opportunity to learn how to become more flexible and to mentally do some work to accept someone who you might not otherwise like. The truth is that we can choose our friends. Like our family, however, we can't choose our co-workers.
If you have a co-worker who you don't like or who you can't stand, work hard to see them in a different light. You have your reasons for not liking them. It is not worth wasting mental energy disliking someone whom you have to see almost every day of the year. Accordingly, try to come up with a list of characteristics they have that are positive. If you can't think of any, think of how this person might be important in someone else's life. Maybe that person is a good aunt or uncle to a niece or nephew somewhere. Also try to think about their past. What experiences did they have that could have changed them and made them difficult or unlikeable to you.
I believe deep down people are good, and that we all would be more likable if we knew how to change the parts of us that even we don't like sometimes. Learning to have sympathy for someone, not pity, is a great way to see someone as an ally.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Beware Make-up Sex
This essay is a continuation of the previous essay, "What Qualifies As 'Drama' In A Relationship."
The reason why the two essays go together is because many dramatic relationships often involve a great deal of arguing followed by powerful make-up sex. In general, it can be unhealthy because make-up sex can reinforce fighting and drama. Think about it: If you have amazing sex after you hava huge fight, doesn't it make sense to fight again when the reward is so amazing?
On the one hand, two people can come together after a disagreement and share physical intimacy because they feel close. That's not the real reason that motivates most make-up sex. On the other hand, most make-up sex results from having felt and expressed extreme negative emotions during a heated argument. Because these individuals get sick of feeling the negative extreme end of the spectrum, they hunger to switch gears and jump to the opposite end of the spectrum - to feel the high of the positive end of the emotional spectrum. During make-up sex, couples often express extreme positive emotions and they reach a momentary state of bliss. They declare grand statements of love and feel, in that moment, that they are sure they belong together.
The problem: This often isn't real intimacy. Intimacy is about a mutual love and balance, while drama is about extremes and fantasies. Make-up sex often reflects the unconscious fantasy to be able to make everything better with sex. Sadly, it's often after couples have this heated sexual moment that they feel sadder and more lonely when the old feelings come back.
The reality is that when you find someone you truly belong with, you feel balanced because you think things are in the emotional order they are supposed to be in. The next time you have a fight with your partner and you later try to initiate make-up sex, sit with those feelings a little longer and make sure you are having sex for the right reason.
The reason why the two essays go together is because many dramatic relationships often involve a great deal of arguing followed by powerful make-up sex. In general, it can be unhealthy because make-up sex can reinforce fighting and drama. Think about it: If you have amazing sex after you hava huge fight, doesn't it make sense to fight again when the reward is so amazing?
On the one hand, two people can come together after a disagreement and share physical intimacy because they feel close. That's not the real reason that motivates most make-up sex. On the other hand, most make-up sex results from having felt and expressed extreme negative emotions during a heated argument. Because these individuals get sick of feeling the negative extreme end of the spectrum, they hunger to switch gears and jump to the opposite end of the spectrum - to feel the high of the positive end of the emotional spectrum. During make-up sex, couples often express extreme positive emotions and they reach a momentary state of bliss. They declare grand statements of love and feel, in that moment, that they are sure they belong together.
The problem: This often isn't real intimacy. Intimacy is about a mutual love and balance, while drama is about extremes and fantasies. Make-up sex often reflects the unconscious fantasy to be able to make everything better with sex. Sadly, it's often after couples have this heated sexual moment that they feel sadder and more lonely when the old feelings come back.
The reality is that when you find someone you truly belong with, you feel balanced because you think things are in the emotional order they are supposed to be in. The next time you have a fight with your partner and you later try to initiate make-up sex, sit with those feelings a little longer and make sure you are having sex for the right reason.
What Qualifies As 'Drama' In A Relationship
Drama on the stage is one thing, but drama in a romantic relationship is another. Drama never works in a relationship. In the end, it is one of the things that will consistently end a relationship.
What qualifies as drama? When your relationship carries extreme highs and lows with it. Relationships with a lot of drama bear extreme emotions - withholding love, excessive anger, outpourings of love and lust, and manipulation, among others. You know your relationship has drama in it when you can never expect how you will feel from day to day. Dramatic relationships make you feel one thing one moment, and feel something completely different the next.
One of the things that I consistently see in my clinical work is that some people gravitate toward drama in their relationships because they like the expression of extreme emotions. It's not that they love fighting or walking on eggshells, for example, but they have grown accustomed to it after years of cultivating unpredictable relationships. The problem is that these women and men begin to confuse drama with excitement, and a healthy, predictable relationship starts to seem boring and stagnant.
The truth is that healthy relationships couldn't be less boring. It is only when you have a strong, predictable relationship that you can free your mind to focus on other areas of your life, and set and achieve goals. When people are stuck in dramatic relationships, all of their mental energy gets sucked up by their relationship. They spend all their time and energy trying to figure out their partner, make up after the last fight, and rationalize their doubts that their relationship isn't working.
The goal of a relationship is for it to bring out the best in you, not the worst in you. A relationship should act like a pillar that holds you up. When you have this foundation, you can go out in the world and activate the other parts of your life that having nothing to do with your relationship. When people get stuck in dramatic relationships, keeping their relationship alive and afloat becomes the main priority.
Maintaining a relationship really shouldn't be that difficult. Yes, a relationship takes work, but it shouldn't be a distraction from moving forward in other areas of your life. An old friend of mine found that ending a dramatic relationship later allowed him to focus more on the career he had put on hold during the relationship. It makes perfect sense. After all, we only have so much energy to divide among all the areas of our lives.
If you have grown to accept drama and see it as normal in your relationships, understand that it does not work over the long haul. Channel that part of your personality into seeking out drama on the stage rather than the drama in your personal life. You will be wiser and richer for it in the end.
What qualifies as drama? When your relationship carries extreme highs and lows with it. Relationships with a lot of drama bear extreme emotions - withholding love, excessive anger, outpourings of love and lust, and manipulation, among others. You know your relationship has drama in it when you can never expect how you will feel from day to day. Dramatic relationships make you feel one thing one moment, and feel something completely different the next.
One of the things that I consistently see in my clinical work is that some people gravitate toward drama in their relationships because they like the expression of extreme emotions. It's not that they love fighting or walking on eggshells, for example, but they have grown accustomed to it after years of cultivating unpredictable relationships. The problem is that these women and men begin to confuse drama with excitement, and a healthy, predictable relationship starts to seem boring and stagnant.
The truth is that healthy relationships couldn't be less boring. It is only when you have a strong, predictable relationship that you can free your mind to focus on other areas of your life, and set and achieve goals. When people are stuck in dramatic relationships, all of their mental energy gets sucked up by their relationship. They spend all their time and energy trying to figure out their partner, make up after the last fight, and rationalize their doubts that their relationship isn't working.
The goal of a relationship is for it to bring out the best in you, not the worst in you. A relationship should act like a pillar that holds you up. When you have this foundation, you can go out in the world and activate the other parts of your life that having nothing to do with your relationship. When people get stuck in dramatic relationships, keeping their relationship alive and afloat becomes the main priority.
Maintaining a relationship really shouldn't be that difficult. Yes, a relationship takes work, but it shouldn't be a distraction from moving forward in other areas of your life. An old friend of mine found that ending a dramatic relationship later allowed him to focus more on the career he had put on hold during the relationship. It makes perfect sense. After all, we only have so much energy to divide among all the areas of our lives.
If you have grown to accept drama and see it as normal in your relationships, understand that it does not work over the long haul. Channel that part of your personality into seeking out drama on the stage rather than the drama in your personal life. You will be wiser and richer for it in the end.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Sex On The First Date: Good or Bad Idea?
In talking with a friend about this topic, she said definitively that sex on the first date is bad news. I know I sound like a cheap version of Carrie Bradsaw if I say "so I got to thinking..." so I will re-frame my beginning.
The truth is that sex on the first date is an issue everyone dating needs to think about. One of the things I find myself saying to my clients is "be sure you know what you're doing." Clients often ask me for my advice, and often wish I would tell them whether they should or shouldn't so something. Consistently, I say that they can do whatever they choose, but must be aware of what the effect will be of their actions. In other words, you can't simply do something without having insight into your behavior. Part of being an adult is realizing that your behaviors have consequences.
Many women and men have sex on the first date. Sometimes, it happens without planning. People get caught up in the moment and, before you know it, clothes are strewn all over the floor. Other times, people walk into a date with a set rule that they will not have sex on the first date under any circumstances.
I had dinner with a group of people Saturday night and I polled the group to get their thoughts on the issue. One member of the group said there shouldn't be any rules on the subject, and that people should trust their instincts. She sounded so confident that I almost switched my opinion!
However, my feeling on the subject is different. I think a good rule of thumb is to avoid sex on the first date if you are hoping the date could turn into a relationship. It's provincial to suggest that you should avoid sex early on so your date doesn't think you're 'easy.' Two consenting adults should be able to do what they want to do as long as they are careful. Our society doesn't need any more judgment than it already bears.
The reason to avoid sex on the first date is that having sex would suggest that you are willing to invest in someone you really don't know yet. For example, you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it. If you want to have a relationship with a person, you need to get to know them first before you get too hot and heavy. Sex brings up a lot of intense emotions, and I don't think you should let someone trigger you so strongly before you know if they are good for you. My goodness, even waiting a week is better than doing it on the first date.
The ultimate point is that you want to protect yourself emotionally. You want to know whether someone will be sensitive, thoughtful and caring with you in general before you start getting emotionally or physically intimate with them. Remember, patience is a virtue!
The truth is that sex on the first date is an issue everyone dating needs to think about. One of the things I find myself saying to my clients is "be sure you know what you're doing." Clients often ask me for my advice, and often wish I would tell them whether they should or shouldn't so something. Consistently, I say that they can do whatever they choose, but must be aware of what the effect will be of their actions. In other words, you can't simply do something without having insight into your behavior. Part of being an adult is realizing that your behaviors have consequences.
Many women and men have sex on the first date. Sometimes, it happens without planning. People get caught up in the moment and, before you know it, clothes are strewn all over the floor. Other times, people walk into a date with a set rule that they will not have sex on the first date under any circumstances.
I had dinner with a group of people Saturday night and I polled the group to get their thoughts on the issue. One member of the group said there shouldn't be any rules on the subject, and that people should trust their instincts. She sounded so confident that I almost switched my opinion!
However, my feeling on the subject is different. I think a good rule of thumb is to avoid sex on the first date if you are hoping the date could turn into a relationship. It's provincial to suggest that you should avoid sex early on so your date doesn't think you're 'easy.' Two consenting adults should be able to do what they want to do as long as they are careful. Our society doesn't need any more judgment than it already bears.
The reason to avoid sex on the first date is that having sex would suggest that you are willing to invest in someone you really don't know yet. For example, you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it. If you want to have a relationship with a person, you need to get to know them first before you get too hot and heavy. Sex brings up a lot of intense emotions, and I don't think you should let someone trigger you so strongly before you know if they are good for you. My goodness, even waiting a week is better than doing it on the first date.
The ultimate point is that you want to protect yourself emotionally. You want to know whether someone will be sensitive, thoughtful and caring with you in general before you start getting emotionally or physically intimate with them. Remember, patience is a virtue!
Friday, August 22, 2008
The Paradox of Couples Fighting: Doing It Right's A Good Thing
I am writing today in response to a blogger's request. The blogger wrote that she gets annoyed with couples who never fight and act like they have a perfect relationship. She asked if I could address the issue of fighting in relationships.
The question: Should couples fight? Is fighting actually a sign of strength or weakness in a couple? If we gave a prize to the best, healthiest couple, would that couple occasionally fight or would they never need to fight because they get along so well?
It's a myth to think a couple should never fight. If a couple never, ever fights, I would question how in touch each member of the couple is with their feelings. We get frustrated every day by insignificant things and by people we don't really know. It's normal to expect that the people we spend the most time with will occasionally bother us or do things that upset us.
The issue is how each member of the couple handles their negative feelings. Many people believe that their number one goal should be to keep the peace. There is often a long-running, unconscious fear flying around in each of our heads that tells us that expressing negative feelings to the ones we love will push them away. The goal in relationships should be to let yourself be honest about how you feel and to express your negative feelings in a way that doesn't attack or isolate your partner.
There is a difference between fighting and arguing, and fighting fairly and fighting dirty. Some people don't like the word 'fighting.' They think even the word is ugly and connotative of an emotional blood bath. Regardless of whether you call it fighting or arguing, the point remains the same: It's healthy to acknowledge occasional frustration and anger with your partner.
Couples who pride themselves in never fighting or arguing have a tremendous need to keep the peace and to idealize their relationship. My guess is that couples who pride themselves in never fighting actually present a defense mechanism at work. They are afraid to acknowledge frustration or anger for fear that it could jeopardize or end the relationship. These people additionally often carry a script in their mind that says that good couples always get along and never fight.
These couples must understand that their beliefs and need to never fight is more reflective of their internal script rather than what is normal or healthy in a relationship.
If you are in a relationship, make your goal to get along as often as possible. When situations arise that trigger negative emotions, express them. In the case that the conversation turns into an argument, make sure that you fight fairly.
The question: Should couples fight? Is fighting actually a sign of strength or weakness in a couple? If we gave a prize to the best, healthiest couple, would that couple occasionally fight or would they never need to fight because they get along so well?
It's a myth to think a couple should never fight. If a couple never, ever fights, I would question how in touch each member of the couple is with their feelings. We get frustrated every day by insignificant things and by people we don't really know. It's normal to expect that the people we spend the most time with will occasionally bother us or do things that upset us.
The issue is how each member of the couple handles their negative feelings. Many people believe that their number one goal should be to keep the peace. There is often a long-running, unconscious fear flying around in each of our heads that tells us that expressing negative feelings to the ones we love will push them away. The goal in relationships should be to let yourself be honest about how you feel and to express your negative feelings in a way that doesn't attack or isolate your partner.
There is a difference between fighting and arguing, and fighting fairly and fighting dirty. Some people don't like the word 'fighting.' They think even the word is ugly and connotative of an emotional blood bath. Regardless of whether you call it fighting or arguing, the point remains the same: It's healthy to acknowledge occasional frustration and anger with your partner.
Couples who pride themselves in never fighting or arguing have a tremendous need to keep the peace and to idealize their relationship. My guess is that couples who pride themselves in never fighting actually present a defense mechanism at work. They are afraid to acknowledge frustration or anger for fear that it could jeopardize or end the relationship. These people additionally often carry a script in their mind that says that good couples always get along and never fight.
These couples must understand that their beliefs and need to never fight is more reflective of their internal script rather than what is normal or healthy in a relationship.
If you are in a relationship, make your goal to get along as often as possible. When situations arise that trigger negative emotions, express them. In the case that the conversation turns into an argument, make sure that you fight fairly.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Knowing When To End Your Romantic Relationship
Hands down, this must be one of the most difficult areas in navigating a romantic relationship. Everyone starts their relationship with such promise. The beginning of a relationship is an incredibly special time. No one has yet been hurt and lust and laughter fill the air between the two of you.
Unfortunately, many relationships that begin also end. Some people are better at knowing when to say goodbye than others. I'm thinking of Mary-Chapin Carpentar's song in which she sings: "And you pretend, and I pretend that everything is fine,
and though we should be at an end, it's so hard admittin' when it's quittin' time." It sounds like she may have had a little difficulty in this area, too.
How well you handle the loss of a relationship is largely about how strong you feel on your own, as well as how much you believe you will find someone else in the future. For those of you who have a terrible time letting go, it may be a life-long journey to learn how to let go of something you love or loved.
Letting go and and loss are two essential elements of life. When things get bad in your relationship and they are broken beyond repair, you know because you are always unhappy. A good thing to do if you are questioning whether it's time to go is to get some feedback from a friend. Ask your friend what he or she thinks about the state of your relationship. A lot of times we can't see ourselves objectively, but those who know us best can.
Another thing you can do to get support in determining whether you need to end your relationship is to take some time alone. I can't tell you how many times I have encouraged my clients to take a day or two off and spend it alone in order to get clarity on an issue. Whether you simply take a long walk in a park or take a weekend by yourself somewhere, make sure to find a quiet place so you can get back in touch with yourself. A lot of times peace and quiet will bring you the clarity you need.
Unfortunately, many relationships that begin also end. Some people are better at knowing when to say goodbye than others. I'm thinking of Mary-Chapin Carpentar's song in which she sings: "And you pretend, and I pretend that everything is fine,
and though we should be at an end, it's so hard admittin' when it's quittin' time." It sounds like she may have had a little difficulty in this area, too.
How well you handle the loss of a relationship is largely about how strong you feel on your own, as well as how much you believe you will find someone else in the future. For those of you who have a terrible time letting go, it may be a life-long journey to learn how to let go of something you love or loved.
Letting go and and loss are two essential elements of life. When things get bad in your relationship and they are broken beyond repair, you know because you are always unhappy. A good thing to do if you are questioning whether it's time to go is to get some feedback from a friend. Ask your friend what he or she thinks about the state of your relationship. A lot of times we can't see ourselves objectively, but those who know us best can.
Another thing you can do to get support in determining whether you need to end your relationship is to take some time alone. I can't tell you how many times I have encouraged my clients to take a day or two off and spend it alone in order to get clarity on an issue. Whether you simply take a long walk in a park or take a weekend by yourself somewhere, make sure to find a quiet place so you can get back in touch with yourself. A lot of times peace and quiet will bring you the clarity you need.
The Difference Between Anger and Resentment
I did my post-doctoral training in a very unusual place: Skid Row in Los Angeles. I trained at a center that rehabilitated the homeless. It was actually a wonderful program for those who were homeless, as they could also receive intensive mental health treatment.
As part of my training, I co-led groups with clients recovering from addiction. I learned more in that year than I may have learned in all the years of graduate school!
The 12 steps (first, admit you have problem) form the cornerstone of most clinical work with addiction. One of the things I learned from the 12 step literature is the difference between anger and resentment.
Anger is an emotion you feel in the moment, while resentment is the accumulation of anger that has gone unexpressed. Anger is good but resentment is bad. The idea is that anger must be expressed in order to get over it. Many addicts turn to substances to self-medicate as some of the feelings they feel are difficult to sit with or accept. Later in recovery, they find that there is often a great deal of anger they must face in order to heal. Yet addicts aren't the only ones who have an anger buildup. Unexpressed anger can infiltrate any relationship and damage it.
In my practice, I see that clients often hate anger. They are uncomfortable with it and think of it is bad or ugly, an emotion that is unhealthy to feel. This is the precise reason why people don't like to express it and why it ultimately turns into resentment.
Trust me when I say anger is a lot better for a relationship than resentment. Resentment can really destroy the fabric of a relationship, so make sure you express the things you are angry about in your relationship.
As part of my training, I co-led groups with clients recovering from addiction. I learned more in that year than I may have learned in all the years of graduate school!
The 12 steps (first, admit you have problem) form the cornerstone of most clinical work with addiction. One of the things I learned from the 12 step literature is the difference between anger and resentment.
Anger is an emotion you feel in the moment, while resentment is the accumulation of anger that has gone unexpressed. Anger is good but resentment is bad. The idea is that anger must be expressed in order to get over it. Many addicts turn to substances to self-medicate as some of the feelings they feel are difficult to sit with or accept. Later in recovery, they find that there is often a great deal of anger they must face in order to heal. Yet addicts aren't the only ones who have an anger buildup. Unexpressed anger can infiltrate any relationship and damage it.
In my practice, I see that clients often hate anger. They are uncomfortable with it and think of it is bad or ugly, an emotion that is unhealthy to feel. This is the precise reason why people don't like to express it and why it ultimately turns into resentment.
Trust me when I say anger is a lot better for a relationship than resentment. Resentment can really destroy the fabric of a relationship, so make sure you express the things you are angry about in your relationship.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Couples Sleeping In Separate Bedrooms: Sound Crazy?
Recently I heard about a new trend in high-end residential building development in which His and Hers Master Suites are the new status symbol. I must first say that though this may be a new trend, I don't imagine it is very widespread. I can't see it catching on like wildfire as I think many people would be uncomfortable if others knew they had a separate bedroom from their spouse. Would people talk? Would people think their relationship is a bad one or somehow fraudulent?
The idea behind this trend is that each member of a couple often has a different sleep schedule or pattern. Some like to read for an hour, while others may like to watch television. The idea of His and Hers Master Suites seems to make sense in some ways.
Imagine if you were single, had a fairly spacious house, and a had your best friend move in. Would you share a bed? Most likely, you would not. When you think about it this way, why would you necessarily share a bed with your spouse? I think this question underscores how many of the things we do simply because, as Carly Simon sang in the 1970's, 'That's the Way I Always Heard It Should Be.'
This is important because one of the most consistent patterns I see in couples who seek out therapy is codependence- wanting to be close but ultimately feeling claustrophobic in the relationship. People feel claustrophobic in a relationship because they feel there are unwritten rules that betray what each wants himself or herself. In other words, people feel they often have to go along with things to keep the peace even though they do not necessarily want to do so.
Ask yourself how you would feel if you had separate bedrooms from your spouse. Could you still feel emotionally close with this separation, or do you need to have the person with you in the bed? If so, be sure to ask yourself why. Remember that true intimacy in a relationship should allow for a certain healthy separateness.
The idea behind this trend is that each member of a couple often has a different sleep schedule or pattern. Some like to read for an hour, while others may like to watch television. The idea of His and Hers Master Suites seems to make sense in some ways.
Imagine if you were single, had a fairly spacious house, and a had your best friend move in. Would you share a bed? Most likely, you would not. When you think about it this way, why would you necessarily share a bed with your spouse? I think this question underscores how many of the things we do simply because, as Carly Simon sang in the 1970's, 'That's the Way I Always Heard It Should Be.'
This is important because one of the most consistent patterns I see in couples who seek out therapy is codependence- wanting to be close but ultimately feeling claustrophobic in the relationship. People feel claustrophobic in a relationship because they feel there are unwritten rules that betray what each wants himself or herself. In other words, people feel they often have to go along with things to keep the peace even though they do not necessarily want to do so.
Ask yourself how you would feel if you had separate bedrooms from your spouse. Could you still feel emotionally close with this separation, or do you need to have the person with you in the bed? If so, be sure to ask yourself why. Remember that true intimacy in a relationship should allow for a certain healthy separateness.
Monday, August 18, 2008
The Anniversary Ritual: Why It's A Good Thing
For those of you in a romantic relationship, you must celebrate your anniversary. Many people frown on sentimentality, thinking that true sophisticates don't need silly rituals to prove or reinforce their love. Others simply get caught up in the daily grind and feel they don't have time to do every single thing society tells you that you should do.
Celebrating an anniversary is a ritual, and rituals are a good thing. As long as you don't go hog wild and turn your rituals into OCD, rituals reinforce your identity and give you a sense of place and balance in the world.
One of the reasons why celebrating an anniversary is so important is because it gives you a chance to remember how far you have come as a couple. It also gives you a chance to feel proud of yourself and proud of the two of you as a team. We all know that relationships can be difficult and that they take work. I believe we don't get enough petting in our daily life. Not everyone is like the ladies on "The View" who get a daily standing ovation just for showing up to work and walking out to see their waiting audience.
Achieving another year together as a couple is an accomplishment, as long as the relationship is reasonably healthy. I'm sure every couple faced one or two emotional hurdles together to get to that point, and this is something you should feel good about.
Rituals that reinforce your strength and goodness are important. It is important for you to engage in behaviors that push your forward rather than keep you stagnant or move you back.
Make sure the next time you get to a year with your partner that you do something extra special. Let yourself feel proud of your accomplishment as an individual and as a couple when you celebrate this critical ritual!
Celebrating an anniversary is a ritual, and rituals are a good thing. As long as you don't go hog wild and turn your rituals into OCD, rituals reinforce your identity and give you a sense of place and balance in the world.
One of the reasons why celebrating an anniversary is so important is because it gives you a chance to remember how far you have come as a couple. It also gives you a chance to feel proud of yourself and proud of the two of you as a team. We all know that relationships can be difficult and that they take work. I believe we don't get enough petting in our daily life. Not everyone is like the ladies on "The View" who get a daily standing ovation just for showing up to work and walking out to see their waiting audience.
Achieving another year together as a couple is an accomplishment, as long as the relationship is reasonably healthy. I'm sure every couple faced one or two emotional hurdles together to get to that point, and this is something you should feel good about.
Rituals that reinforce your strength and goodness are important. It is important for you to engage in behaviors that push your forward rather than keep you stagnant or move you back.
Make sure the next time you get to a year with your partner that you do something extra special. Let yourself feel proud of your accomplishment as an individual and as a couple when you celebrate this critical ritual!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Loving Your Dog More Than Your Partner: How Could You?!
One of the most fascinating relationships is the relationship between a dog and his "master." I hate to say owner because that removes all the intimacy I like to believe exists in the dog-human relationship. As a born psychologist, I can over-analyze anything. Watching dogs interact with their masters is endless entertainment for me.
I remember something a friend said to me that I thought was really interesting. He said he thought it was a little strange that his girlfriend seemed so thrilled to see their dog when she got home, and dropped a flippant, apathetic "hello" to him. He watched his girlfriend express endless love for this little canine, while he got only emotional morsels of attention and interest.
This interaction likely happens every day in every household around the world. How is that and what does it mean? Do we actually love our pets more than our partners?
I could not write this blog without having had exposure to some incredibly bright people in my past. They have been peppered throughout my personal life and clinical training. As I think back, I reflect on one clinician who said to me that the only relationship in which it is safe to give unconditional love is in the relationship you have with your pet. This clinician felt that it was a fact of life that we will inevitably get emotionally wounded in some way or other by those people we love sooner or later.
I believe we don't love our pets more than our partners, but I think we express our love more. Human relationships are so complicated because we go in and out of feelings for our partners so quickly. One moment we feel intense love, but the next moment we feel annoyed or angry. With our dogs, we put up with a lot more. We are more tolerant with our dogs because we see them almost like playful, innocent little infants who don't know any better.
I think the important thing to take with you is to remember to show your love more to the humans you come home to. Making a conscious effort to rub your partner's back or make some sweet physical gesture lets your partner know you love him or her, too. Dogs aren't the only ones who need an occasional treat.
I remember something a friend said to me that I thought was really interesting. He said he thought it was a little strange that his girlfriend seemed so thrilled to see their dog when she got home, and dropped a flippant, apathetic "hello" to him. He watched his girlfriend express endless love for this little canine, while he got only emotional morsels of attention and interest.
This interaction likely happens every day in every household around the world. How is that and what does it mean? Do we actually love our pets more than our partners?
I could not write this blog without having had exposure to some incredibly bright people in my past. They have been peppered throughout my personal life and clinical training. As I think back, I reflect on one clinician who said to me that the only relationship in which it is safe to give unconditional love is in the relationship you have with your pet. This clinician felt that it was a fact of life that we will inevitably get emotionally wounded in some way or other by those people we love sooner or later.
I believe we don't love our pets more than our partners, but I think we express our love more. Human relationships are so complicated because we go in and out of feelings for our partners so quickly. One moment we feel intense love, but the next moment we feel annoyed or angry. With our dogs, we put up with a lot more. We are more tolerant with our dogs because we see them almost like playful, innocent little infants who don't know any better.
I think the important thing to take with you is to remember to show your love more to the humans you come home to. Making a conscious effort to rub your partner's back or make some sweet physical gesture lets your partner know you love him or her, too. Dogs aren't the only ones who need an occasional treat.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
When Jealousy Threatens A Friendship
No matter how old you are, you have probably had a friendship where jealousy is alive and well. If this is something you are dealing with right now, my heart goes out to you because this can be an incredibly frustrating and confusing situation. This essay will focus on the situations in which a friend of yours is jealous or competitive with you, and you are the target of their negative emotionality.
A little jealousy is probably normal. I remember a Training Director of mine at a major hospital, Dr. Alan Hilfer, had a theory that people's inherent tendency is to feel bad for themselves when they hear something good happened to someone else. In other words, people are always keeping score. At that time, I thought this was a little extreme, but I have come to believe that this may be more a natural function of human nature than we would like to believe.
This may be why a little jealousy is normal. We all want the best of everything, and we want good things to happen to us. Sometimes we can get so caught up in our own thoughts and feelings, our own wishes and fantasies, that we stop thinking about others around us.
Friends who become overly jealous with you are taking inadequate feelings they feel about themselves, and getting angry and resentful with you as a defense mechanism. When these friends see you happy and feeling confident, it actually makes them feel more inadequate and more bitter.
If you have read previous essays of mine, you can probably imagine that my advice is to confront the situation with your friend. Remember that attacking someone verbally goes nowhere, so it is always safer to begin by expressing how you feel. It can help to ask them to put themselves in your shoes. "How would you feel if I said this or did this to you when you were happy?"
Think about the way you say something, not just the content of what you say. Wear a kind, understanding look on your face, and talk in a slow and gentle voice. You catch a lot more flies with honey. Using these skills is much more likely to help you because people are more likely to listen and hear you if you come across as an ally.
Finally, another skill you can pull out is to talk with them about what to do if your friend says or does something in the future that feels like a jealous, competitive jab. Ask your friend, "If it happens again, how would you like me to let you know?" This gives your friend a sense of control, and says that this is a collaborative effort on both of your parts to communicate better and treat each other more respectfully. You will damage your friendship if you scold your friend or talk in a patronizing voice.
These skills should make this kind of situation easier to navigate in the future.
A little jealousy is probably normal. I remember a Training Director of mine at a major hospital, Dr. Alan Hilfer, had a theory that people's inherent tendency is to feel bad for themselves when they hear something good happened to someone else. In other words, people are always keeping score. At that time, I thought this was a little extreme, but I have come to believe that this may be more a natural function of human nature than we would like to believe.
This may be why a little jealousy is normal. We all want the best of everything, and we want good things to happen to us. Sometimes we can get so caught up in our own thoughts and feelings, our own wishes and fantasies, that we stop thinking about others around us.
Friends who become overly jealous with you are taking inadequate feelings they feel about themselves, and getting angry and resentful with you as a defense mechanism. When these friends see you happy and feeling confident, it actually makes them feel more inadequate and more bitter.
If you have read previous essays of mine, you can probably imagine that my advice is to confront the situation with your friend. Remember that attacking someone verbally goes nowhere, so it is always safer to begin by expressing how you feel. It can help to ask them to put themselves in your shoes. "How would you feel if I said this or did this to you when you were happy?"
Think about the way you say something, not just the content of what you say. Wear a kind, understanding look on your face, and talk in a slow and gentle voice. You catch a lot more flies with honey. Using these skills is much more likely to help you because people are more likely to listen and hear you if you come across as an ally.
Finally, another skill you can pull out is to talk with them about what to do if your friend says or does something in the future that feels like a jealous, competitive jab. Ask your friend, "If it happens again, how would you like me to let you know?" This gives your friend a sense of control, and says that this is a collaborative effort on both of your parts to communicate better and treat each other more respectfully. You will damage your friendship if you scold your friend or talk in a patronizing voice.
These skills should make this kind of situation easier to navigate in the future.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
First Date Tips: Part Four
This is the final essay in the four-part series "First Date Tips." Before we leave this topic, we cannot ignore one of the most common issues that arises out of the awkward dating scenario. How do you handle it when you are not interested in a second date? Do you owe your date anything? Is it better to be honest or to simply avoid the issue by not returning phone calls?
Let's start at the beginning. The end of the first date is always one of the most awkward moments. By the date's end, each person already knows whether they would like to see the other again. If each is interested, it is usually pretty clear. How do you know? There is often some sort of romantic overture, such as a kiss, or blushing awkwardness that suggests there is a mutual attraction.
If there is no mutual interest, and you know you're not interested, there is no need to spill the beans right there. You don't need to take a fax number down so you can send them the 10 reasons why you won't see them again. You also don't need to make a promise you won't keep. It seems unfair and unnecessary to suggest "I'll call you tomorrow" when you know you won't. Saying something like "I will talk to you later" is a nice way to get out of addressing anything directly in that moment.
Okay, the hardest question within the first date context: What do you do when your date calls afterward and says he or she would love to see you again? Do you owe your date anything?
I believe you owe something universal to people but not something specific. I believe you owe your date, and people in general, a certain dignity and respect. You don't necessarily owe someone a call back. If your date calls once and you are not interested, think about whether this is someone you will see again. If not, you can let the call go and not calling back will speak for yourself. If this is someone you will cross paths with again frequently, it is better to kindly address it. Call back and say you had a great time but feel that the two of you are better suited as friends. It never hurts to add "I hope there are no hard feelings."
If your date calls a second time, I believe the kind thing to do is to call them and address it, even if you will never see them again. Think about dating karma. It feels uncomfortable to do but sometimes doing uncomfortable things helps us grow. Consider that your date may have thought he or she found someone he or she could have a relationship with. That person has a mom or dad, and friends he or she could have excitedly shared details with about the date with you. Don't leave your date out in the cold if he or she really liked you. Don't lead them on, either. Remember, in general, that striking a balance is both the challenge and goal of our lives.
Let's start at the beginning. The end of the first date is always one of the most awkward moments. By the date's end, each person already knows whether they would like to see the other again. If each is interested, it is usually pretty clear. How do you know? There is often some sort of romantic overture, such as a kiss, or blushing awkwardness that suggests there is a mutual attraction.
If there is no mutual interest, and you know you're not interested, there is no need to spill the beans right there. You don't need to take a fax number down so you can send them the 10 reasons why you won't see them again. You also don't need to make a promise you won't keep. It seems unfair and unnecessary to suggest "I'll call you tomorrow" when you know you won't. Saying something like "I will talk to you later" is a nice way to get out of addressing anything directly in that moment.
Okay, the hardest question within the first date context: What do you do when your date calls afterward and says he or she would love to see you again? Do you owe your date anything?
I believe you owe something universal to people but not something specific. I believe you owe your date, and people in general, a certain dignity and respect. You don't necessarily owe someone a call back. If your date calls once and you are not interested, think about whether this is someone you will see again. If not, you can let the call go and not calling back will speak for yourself. If this is someone you will cross paths with again frequently, it is better to kindly address it. Call back and say you had a great time but feel that the two of you are better suited as friends. It never hurts to add "I hope there are no hard feelings."
If your date calls a second time, I believe the kind thing to do is to call them and address it, even if you will never see them again. Think about dating karma. It feels uncomfortable to do but sometimes doing uncomfortable things helps us grow. Consider that your date may have thought he or she found someone he or she could have a relationship with. That person has a mom or dad, and friends he or she could have excitedly shared details with about the date with you. Don't leave your date out in the cold if he or she really liked you. Don't lead them on, either. Remember, in general, that striking a balance is both the challenge and goal of our lives.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
First Date Tips: Part Three
This third essay in my series "First Date Tips" will focus on one of the oldest dilemmas in the dating book: To pay or not to pay. In short, please offer to pay for yourself or for both of you!
It goes without saying that everyone wants to be treated well and likes a little gift here and there to make them feel special. It can feel like a nice treat when your date offers to pay for your dinner, for example, and they express the genuine interest to treat you. Many people are simply givers and this is a wonderful trait to see in someone you date.
The truth is, however, that many people end up paying for others on a date not because they want to; they pay out of a sense of obligation or social discomfort. Many men pay for women because they have been socialized to think that is the right thing to do. It's 2008. I don't think any of these expectations should exist at this point in time. I think we should move past gender roles defining interactions like this.
One of the most attractive characteristics you could see in someone you are dating is the ability for that person to take care of himself or herself, and to do so happily and comfortably. No one really needs anyone to pay for their dinner. Expecting that another will pay for you can set up a dynamic that suggests you feel entitled to special treatment, or that the other person should provide for you simply because you are such a great catch.
I think it's a good idea for each person to pay for their dinner until you get to know each other. If you think you will see the person again, one can pay this time and the other can pay next time. I think things should be equal from the start. If you want to be nice and pay for your date, that's great. But if you do so, do so because you want to and not out of socal obligation or discomfort. The more honest and authentic you are in your dating experiences, the faster you will be able to determine if the chemistry is good between the two of you and if the two of you make a truly good match.
It goes without saying that everyone wants to be treated well and likes a little gift here and there to make them feel special. It can feel like a nice treat when your date offers to pay for your dinner, for example, and they express the genuine interest to treat you. Many people are simply givers and this is a wonderful trait to see in someone you date.
The truth is, however, that many people end up paying for others on a date not because they want to; they pay out of a sense of obligation or social discomfort. Many men pay for women because they have been socialized to think that is the right thing to do. It's 2008. I don't think any of these expectations should exist at this point in time. I think we should move past gender roles defining interactions like this.
One of the most attractive characteristics you could see in someone you are dating is the ability for that person to take care of himself or herself, and to do so happily and comfortably. No one really needs anyone to pay for their dinner. Expecting that another will pay for you can set up a dynamic that suggests you feel entitled to special treatment, or that the other person should provide for you simply because you are such a great catch.
I think it's a good idea for each person to pay for their dinner until you get to know each other. If you think you will see the person again, one can pay this time and the other can pay next time. I think things should be equal from the start. If you want to be nice and pay for your date, that's great. But if you do so, do so because you want to and not out of socal obligation or discomfort. The more honest and authentic you are in your dating experiences, the faster you will be able to determine if the chemistry is good between the two of you and if the two of you make a truly good match.
Monday, August 11, 2008
First Date Tips: Part Two
This is the second essay in the series "First Date Tips." To be clear, I'm referring to the first date you have with a new person rather than your first date ever. Someone who posted a comment on my previous essay said that the list I gave in Part One would be helpful for someone who hasn't dated in a while. I think that's a good point because we sometimes must remind ourselves how to engage in certain behaviors when we haven't had practice in a while.
This essay is going to focus on the ideal environment to have a first date. There is no universal good place. The priority should be to ask yourself where you would feel comfortable, and choose accordingly. For some people, they would be most comfortable in a loud place with lots of distractions. For others, they would be comfortable in a quiet, intimate place where they can talk and focus on each other.
I am a believer that activity dates are a good idea because they require you to focus on an activity while getting to know your date. Dating can feel kind of uncomfortable and contrived ("How many brothers and sisters do you have?"). I think an activity can help people relax and remind you that liking each other is not the only goal you have for the date. If you go for a walk in the park and end up hating each other, at least you can say you took a nice walk in a beautiful place.
Staring across from somemone you just met over dinner can be intimidating. Take your date to a place where you can relax in your own way and be yourself. It's a good idea to think of a few ideas and ask your date if he or she is interested in any of them. This shows that you can take intitative, know what you want, and are able to think about the feelings and needs of your date. This is a great way to start a dating relationship if you make a good match with your date.
This essay is going to focus on the ideal environment to have a first date. There is no universal good place. The priority should be to ask yourself where you would feel comfortable, and choose accordingly. For some people, they would be most comfortable in a loud place with lots of distractions. For others, they would be comfortable in a quiet, intimate place where they can talk and focus on each other.
I am a believer that activity dates are a good idea because they require you to focus on an activity while getting to know your date. Dating can feel kind of uncomfortable and contrived ("How many brothers and sisters do you have?"). I think an activity can help people relax and remind you that liking each other is not the only goal you have for the date. If you go for a walk in the park and end up hating each other, at least you can say you took a nice walk in a beautiful place.
Staring across from somemone you just met over dinner can be intimidating. Take your date to a place where you can relax in your own way and be yourself. It's a good idea to think of a few ideas and ask your date if he or she is interested in any of them. This shows that you can take intitative, know what you want, and are able to think about the feelings and needs of your date. This is a great way to start a dating relationship if you make a good match with your date.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
First Date Tips:Part One
This is the first in a series of four essays on "First Date Tips." This series will be interesting and fun, and it will offer you invaluable information you need to have a successful first date.
Part One's focus is on expectations. Ask yourself what your expectations are prior to your first date, and you will be more successful for doing so. Here are some questions to think about:
1. Am I expecting the date to turn into a relationship?
2. Am I focusing on what I am looking for in a partner, rather than what my date
thinks of me?
3. Am I being careful not to divulge too much personal information too soon?
4. Do I expect to be liked?
5. Do I expect my date to be kind?
These are just a few of the countless questions you could ask yourself as you get ready for a first date. These questions can be a good guide in terms of things to think about. Let's break down each question and I will share my thoughts on each.
1. Never expect a date to be anything more than a date. Hoping is fine, but
expecting will get you into trouble. Relax. It's just a date.
2. Dating can be hard because it brings out our worst insecurities if we let it. One
of the biggest problems people have with dating is the tendency to focus more on
whether their date likes them instead of whether they are interested in their
dates. Make a list prior to your date of qualities you are looking for in a
boyfriend or girlfriend, and keep this list in mind when you are out with your
date. Call it a test or whatever you will, but who you seek as a partner is
important!
3. Don't divulge too much too soon. Strike a balance of sharing some details of your
life and leaving some to be discovered if you give your date the chance to get to
know you better in the future.
4. Understand when you walk into a first date that you know little or nothing about
the person you are going out with. Remember that you have no idea if this person
has a set type or what they are looking for in a partner. Dating is all about
the mixture, the way the two ingredients interact. You can't expect to be
disliked and you can't expect to be liked. If your date is a good mix with you,
you will most definitely be liked!
5. Never expect anything from a date. Your date could treat people, including you,
wonderfully or horribly. You have to hope that your date practices human
kindness and respects people in his or her social interactions. Again, it's fine
to hope but do not expect. Expectations can cause you to feel badly afterward if
things don't work out.
These tips about expectations should help make part of the dating experience more positive. Be on the lookout for the next three essays on "First Date Tips" in the next few days.
Part One's focus is on expectations. Ask yourself what your expectations are prior to your first date, and you will be more successful for doing so. Here are some questions to think about:
1. Am I expecting the date to turn into a relationship?
2. Am I focusing on what I am looking for in a partner, rather than what my date
thinks of me?
3. Am I being careful not to divulge too much personal information too soon?
4. Do I expect to be liked?
5. Do I expect my date to be kind?
These are just a few of the countless questions you could ask yourself as you get ready for a first date. These questions can be a good guide in terms of things to think about. Let's break down each question and I will share my thoughts on each.
1. Never expect a date to be anything more than a date. Hoping is fine, but
expecting will get you into trouble. Relax. It's just a date.
2. Dating can be hard because it brings out our worst insecurities if we let it. One
of the biggest problems people have with dating is the tendency to focus more on
whether their date likes them instead of whether they are interested in their
dates. Make a list prior to your date of qualities you are looking for in a
boyfriend or girlfriend, and keep this list in mind when you are out with your
date. Call it a test or whatever you will, but who you seek as a partner is
important!
3. Don't divulge too much too soon. Strike a balance of sharing some details of your
life and leaving some to be discovered if you give your date the chance to get to
know you better in the future.
4. Understand when you walk into a first date that you know little or nothing about
the person you are going out with. Remember that you have no idea if this person
has a set type or what they are looking for in a partner. Dating is all about
the mixture, the way the two ingredients interact. You can't expect to be
disliked and you can't expect to be liked. If your date is a good mix with you,
you will most definitely be liked!
5. Never expect anything from a date. Your date could treat people, including you,
wonderfully or horribly. You have to hope that your date practices human
kindness and respects people in his or her social interactions. Again, it's fine
to hope but do not expect. Expectations can cause you to feel badly afterward if
things don't work out.
These tips about expectations should help make part of the dating experience more positive. Be on the lookout for the next three essays on "First Date Tips" in the next few days.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
The Ultimate No-No for Couples
It's happened to everyone at some point or other. We know the feeling, dread it, and do what we can to avoid feeling it again. I'm talking about the discomfort we feel when we're out with a couple and one member of the couple starts making passive-aggressive digs at the other. In these moments, we're being used.
What's going on exactly in the couple that argues or gets passive-aggressive with each other while in the company of trusted friends? Are they even aware they're doing it? Is it intentional? Most importantly for us, the audience, do they care for a minute that their actions are making us feel uncomfortable?
Sometimes these couples do it consciously, while other times they do it unconsciously. These moments reflect the accumulation of anger and resentment that has not been handled at the time of the precipitating event. The couple is showing two major symptoms of relationship dysfunction.
1. One or both are unable to express their anger and frustration effectively.
2. One or both are unable to read the social cues of their audience or there is such a vast
reservoir of anger that they can read the cues but don't have the luxury to care about how
anyone else feels in the situation.
For the sake of the friends or audience in these situations, I think it's important to monitor ourselves when we are in public situations. Simply having known the friends your with for years does not give you license to act out in whatever way you choose when you're in their company.
Life is hard enough as it is. I think our days would be less trying if we could all learn to have more respect and empathy for others in the simplest social interactions. It's a good rule to never argue or air dirty laundry in the context of others. That's what we have homes for.
The responsibility, however, lies not just with the inappropriate couples. The next time friends of yours do this to you, I encourage you to address the situation in the moment. No one can fault you for saying, "Can you please save this for later?" The more we address this issue, the less we will have to deal with it in the future.
What's going on exactly in the couple that argues or gets passive-aggressive with each other while in the company of trusted friends? Are they even aware they're doing it? Is it intentional? Most importantly for us, the audience, do they care for a minute that their actions are making us feel uncomfortable?
Sometimes these couples do it consciously, while other times they do it unconsciously. These moments reflect the accumulation of anger and resentment that has not been handled at the time of the precipitating event. The couple is showing two major symptoms of relationship dysfunction.
1. One or both are unable to express their anger and frustration effectively.
2. One or both are unable to read the social cues of their audience or there is such a vast
reservoir of anger that they can read the cues but don't have the luxury to care about how
anyone else feels in the situation.
For the sake of the friends or audience in these situations, I think it's important to monitor ourselves when we are in public situations. Simply having known the friends your with for years does not give you license to act out in whatever way you choose when you're in their company.
Life is hard enough as it is. I think our days would be less trying if we could all learn to have more respect and empathy for others in the simplest social interactions. It's a good rule to never argue or air dirty laundry in the context of others. That's what we have homes for.
The responsibility, however, lies not just with the inappropriate couples. The next time friends of yours do this to you, I encourage you to address the situation in the moment. No one can fault you for saying, "Can you please save this for later?" The more we address this issue, the less we will have to deal with it in the future.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Hot Topic: Rush to Judgment Makes People Feel Sorry for Elizabeth Edwards
After turning on the news today and learning about the "John Edwards Sex Scandal," I felt surprised as I'm sure many did. John Edwards has been an advocate for homelessness and poverty, and he appeared to have a strong family life.
In thinking about the issue further, it occurred to me that we were presuming first that his wife, Elizabeth, did not know about the affair. It also occurred to me that we were presuming that their marriage was perfect and incapable of the betrayal experienced in thousands of other marriages.
Why should it be such a surprise that he had an affair? Did we believe because he is good- looking and speaks with a charming accent that he is a wonderful husband? In terms of Elizabeth, she may very well have learned of the affair a while ago. In fact, she may have been devestated. At the same time, it occurred to me that we should not be so quick to feel sorry for her as if she did not know or did not have any say in the matter.
There are all kinds of marriages (monogamous and otherwise) and all kinds of mistakes people can make over the years in their relationships. I have heard of some husbands or wives allowing dalliances, or of others who have repaired their relationships for the better after an awful transgression. I have also heard of ill husbands or wives who allow their spouses to have an affair outside of the marriage out of love and respect for their spouses' vitality.
I am not suggesting anything about the circumstances of John and Elizabeth Edwards. I am suggesting, however, that we learn about ourselves in our reactions to provocative stories in the news. In this case, I think we can see our own rush to judgment. The reality is that we never really know what goes on behind anyone's closed doors. As a result, we have to be careful in coming to our conclusions.
In thinking about the issue further, it occurred to me that we were presuming first that his wife, Elizabeth, did not know about the affair. It also occurred to me that we were presuming that their marriage was perfect and incapable of the betrayal experienced in thousands of other marriages.
Why should it be such a surprise that he had an affair? Did we believe because he is good- looking and speaks with a charming accent that he is a wonderful husband? In terms of Elizabeth, she may very well have learned of the affair a while ago. In fact, she may have been devestated. At the same time, it occurred to me that we should not be so quick to feel sorry for her as if she did not know or did not have any say in the matter.
There are all kinds of marriages (monogamous and otherwise) and all kinds of mistakes people can make over the years in their relationships. I have heard of some husbands or wives allowing dalliances, or of others who have repaired their relationships for the better after an awful transgression. I have also heard of ill husbands or wives who allow their spouses to have an affair outside of the marriage out of love and respect for their spouses' vitality.
I am not suggesting anything about the circumstances of John and Elizabeth Edwards. I am suggesting, however, that we learn about ourselves in our reactions to provocative stories in the news. In this case, I think we can see our own rush to judgment. The reality is that we never really know what goes on behind anyone's closed doors. As a result, we have to be careful in coming to our conclusions.
Independent Couples vs. Codependent Couples
Call me an overly analytical psychologist, but one of the things I find fascinating is seeing how many different kinds of couples there are. Couples have all different kinds of relationship dynamics, and you can often see them on the surface when you socialize with them.
One thing that has always struck me is watching how couples vary in terms of how much they socialize together and how much they socialize apart. You know some couples where you almost never see one without the other, while you can think of another couple where the opposite is true. Is there a 'right' level of independence couples should have? How much is too much time to spend together? What is an unhealthy level of independence in a couple?
Usually, any therapist will tell you there is no 'right' way to be about anything. In this case, I disagree somewhat. I think there is a bit of a right answer. While I acknowledge that there is a spectrum, I also acknowledge that people lose themselves (their interests, ambitions, and uniqueness) when they spend all their time with one person. You can't fuse with another and expect to remain a separate entity. You need to have some level of independence within a couple to be healthy. This does not include going to work! Yes, that is time apart, but not time by choice. Couples who eat together, sleep together, go to church together, do everything socially together, blah, blah, blah, make me nervous.
In my clinical work, I have found that couples who do everything together secretly feel claustrophobic in the relationship and wish they had a little more breathing room. The claustrophobic feelings later morph into other problems and the relationship starts going south. If you are in a relationship, why not use this opportunity to have a discussion with your partner and ask him or her about their thoughts on this issue? Sometimes opening up the discussion can help people feel more free to elaborate when the discussion topic gets a little uncomfortable.
One thing that has always struck me is watching how couples vary in terms of how much they socialize together and how much they socialize apart. You know some couples where you almost never see one without the other, while you can think of another couple where the opposite is true. Is there a 'right' level of independence couples should have? How much is too much time to spend together? What is an unhealthy level of independence in a couple?
Usually, any therapist will tell you there is no 'right' way to be about anything. In this case, I disagree somewhat. I think there is a bit of a right answer. While I acknowledge that there is a spectrum, I also acknowledge that people lose themselves (their interests, ambitions, and uniqueness) when they spend all their time with one person. You can't fuse with another and expect to remain a separate entity. You need to have some level of independence within a couple to be healthy. This does not include going to work! Yes, that is time apart, but not time by choice. Couples who eat together, sleep together, go to church together, do everything socially together, blah, blah, blah, make me nervous.
In my clinical work, I have found that couples who do everything together secretly feel claustrophobic in the relationship and wish they had a little more breathing room. The claustrophobic feelings later morph into other problems and the relationship starts going south. If you are in a relationship, why not use this opportunity to have a discussion with your partner and ask him or her about their thoughts on this issue? Sometimes opening up the discussion can help people feel more free to elaborate when the discussion topic gets a little uncomfortable.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Breaking Up Gracefully: Part Four
Here we are at the last of the four essays on Breaking Up Gracefully. We have already talked about why breakups are psychologically so upsetting, covered tips on what to do after a breakup, and focused on resisting blame of our ex for the reasons the relationship failed. This last essay will focus on how to approach the future as it relates to finding a better relationship. No relationship was a waste of time if you learn from it.
One of the easiest things to do post-breakup is to go and find someone else to fill the void. I worked with an older man at one of my first jobs (washing dishes at age 17) who told me about a breakup he had. He said succinctly, "I gotta git me a new baby started." The point of this last essay is that this is the last thing he needed. What he needed to was to take time off and learn how to be comfortably single.
The best way to carry your old issues into your next relationship is to start another relationship too quickly. Is there a length of time one should wait? Not necessarily. However, I can tell you that it depends, in part, on the length of your previous relationship and how upsetting or bitter the breakup was. If your relationship was at least a year or the breakup was incredibly upsetting, you need time to heal. At least a year! Otherwise, give it 6 months. The point is that your next relationship will be better if you are better at the time you start it.
The goal cannot be to find someone. The goal must be for you to get yourself together and to build up a strong self so that you can be a vital 50% of your next union. Being single is the best time to take up new activities and to grow emotionally in ways your previous relationship did not allow.
I know breaking up is painful. But if you can work on learning how to do it gracefully and work on seeing things in perspective, your next relationship will bear the fruit.
One of the easiest things to do post-breakup is to go and find someone else to fill the void. I worked with an older man at one of my first jobs (washing dishes at age 17) who told me about a breakup he had. He said succinctly, "I gotta git me a new baby started." The point of this last essay is that this is the last thing he needed. What he needed to was to take time off and learn how to be comfortably single.
The best way to carry your old issues into your next relationship is to start another relationship too quickly. Is there a length of time one should wait? Not necessarily. However, I can tell you that it depends, in part, on the length of your previous relationship and how upsetting or bitter the breakup was. If your relationship was at least a year or the breakup was incredibly upsetting, you need time to heal. At least a year! Otherwise, give it 6 months. The point is that your next relationship will be better if you are better at the time you start it.
The goal cannot be to find someone. The goal must be for you to get yourself together and to build up a strong self so that you can be a vital 50% of your next union. Being single is the best time to take up new activities and to grow emotionally in ways your previous relationship did not allow.
I know breaking up is painful. But if you can work on learning how to do it gracefully and work on seeing things in perspective, your next relationship will bear the fruit.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Breaking Up Gracefully: Part Three
Breaking up is an awful process. There is simply no doubt about it. Even if the relationship you were in was a bad one, breaking up is still an awful process. Loss is painful and we hate it! This is the third essay in my series on 'Breaking Up Gracefully,' and it focuses on one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up.
When you are ready, and this won't be on day two, you have to resist blaming your ex for what went wrong. Hands down, the best way to carry old, unresolved issues into your next relationship is to blame your ex. Assigning responsibility to your ex for why things failed is ultimately bad for you. A relationship takes two to tango. It takes two to make it work and two to make it fail.
What should your goal be? To be able to say:
I emphasize that this part, not blaming your ex, is a part of the process you must get to when you are ready. However, keep your eye on the ball and remember that this must be a goal on your road to recovery from your breakup. Seeing things fairly will help you tremendously in your next relationship. After all, when two people break up, neither partner really got that they wanted. Each was hoping to find a relationship that is loving and lasting, and the dream died for each partner.
In my practice, I always asks my clients 'what does this mean about you?' I ask them 'what could you do differently next time?' In this way, we keep the focus on ourselves, the part we can control, and give up the focus on the ex. We can't control what others do, so it makes the most sense to focus on ourselves.
Life can be difficult, and it can be terribly difficult during the breakup process. After you have indulged all those negative thoughts and feelings and sat with them, you can begin to look back and figure out what your part was. Remember that blaming your ex may feel good at the time, but blame will ultimately hold you back. Accept what 'is' and do your best to move on gracefully.
When you are ready, and this won't be on day two, you have to resist blaming your ex for what went wrong. Hands down, the best way to carry old, unresolved issues into your next relationship is to blame your ex. Assigning responsibility to your ex for why things failed is ultimately bad for you. A relationship takes two to tango. It takes two to make it work and two to make it fail.
What should your goal be? To be able to say:
- These are the things I failed to do, and these are the things my ex failed to do.
- These are my weaknesses and these are my ex's weaknesses.
One of the most consistent things I see in my clinical work is that people don't want to acknowledge their own faults in the beginning. To an extent, this is normal. We have defense mechanisms (rationalization, denial, etc.) that kick in to protect our feelings and ego so that we don't feel overwhelmed and lost.
I emphasize that this part, not blaming your ex, is a part of the process you must get to when you are ready. However, keep your eye on the ball and remember that this must be a goal on your road to recovery from your breakup. Seeing things fairly will help you tremendously in your next relationship. After all, when two people break up, neither partner really got that they wanted. Each was hoping to find a relationship that is loving and lasting, and the dream died for each partner.
In my practice, I always asks my clients 'what does this mean about you?' I ask them 'what could you do differently next time?' In this way, we keep the focus on ourselves, the part we can control, and give up the focus on the ex. We can't control what others do, so it makes the most sense to focus on ourselves.
Life can be difficult, and it can be terribly difficult during the breakup process. After you have indulged all those negative thoughts and feelings and sat with them, you can begin to look back and figure out what your part was. Remember that blaming your ex may feel good at the time, but blame will ultimately hold you back. Accept what 'is' and do your best to move on gracefully.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Breaking Up Gracefully: Part Two
When you break up, what you really need is tips on how to cope with your breakup. You may feel like you've been shot straight to hell in a handbasket, and we need to redirect that flight. Below, I describe several tips you can follow to ease the pain and break up as gracefully as possible. This is not a comprehensive list, but these are some useful universal principles. I have watched countless clients of min eheal by using some of these.
Tip #1
Stop all contact with your ex. Not necessarily forever, but at least for a while until you accept that the relationship really is over. We have all ended relationships where we turn to our ex to heal the pain of the loss, but what it does is prolong the pain. One of the things I find myself saying to my clients constantly is "sit with it." It is much easier to act out on negative feelings, but sitting with them and accepting that we are upset is what we need to do the most.
Tip #2
Change something in your daily routine when you are ready to do so. When you break up, there are reminders everywhere of the love you had that is now gone. This is a great time to start going to a new place for coffee, change gyms, or reconnect with an old friend. I believe that changing things in your 'physical scenery' helps to change what I call your 'emotional scenery,' or how you feel.
Tip #3
Write! Write! Write! Even for those of you who would rather chew nails than keep a journal, now is the time to do it. Trying new things is one of the best ways to get you out of your existing mindset. When you are sad, angry, or feel empty, just write it down. It is really helpful to put it on paper because it helps to organize your thoughts and feelings in your mind.
Tip #4
Treat yourself well with positive, self-care rituals. Get a massage, take warm baths, rock yourself to sleep, and say soothing things to yourself out loud. This may sound silly, but I would be shocked if you didn't feel at least a TINY bit better after doing it.
Tip #5
Flock to those you love and trust. Ask yourself who are your main social supports- the people you go to in time of need. Ask them if you can have a 'date' once per week where you get together and do something fun. You need something to look forward to, and spending time with a friend or relative is one of the best ways to soothe yourself during this terribly difficult time.
The next two essays in this series will help you further along the road to healing and recovery from a broken heart. I know it's hard, but things usually do get better.
Tip #1
Stop all contact with your ex. Not necessarily forever, but at least for a while until you accept that the relationship really is over. We have all ended relationships where we turn to our ex to heal the pain of the loss, but what it does is prolong the pain. One of the things I find myself saying to my clients constantly is "sit with it." It is much easier to act out on negative feelings, but sitting with them and accepting that we are upset is what we need to do the most.
Tip #2
Change something in your daily routine when you are ready to do so. When you break up, there are reminders everywhere of the love you had that is now gone. This is a great time to start going to a new place for coffee, change gyms, or reconnect with an old friend. I believe that changing things in your 'physical scenery' helps to change what I call your 'emotional scenery,' or how you feel.
Tip #3
Write! Write! Write! Even for those of you who would rather chew nails than keep a journal, now is the time to do it. Trying new things is one of the best ways to get you out of your existing mindset. When you are sad, angry, or feel empty, just write it down. It is really helpful to put it on paper because it helps to organize your thoughts and feelings in your mind.
Tip #4
Treat yourself well with positive, self-care rituals. Get a massage, take warm baths, rock yourself to sleep, and say soothing things to yourself out loud. This may sound silly, but I would be shocked if you didn't feel at least a TINY bit better after doing it.
Tip #5
Flock to those you love and trust. Ask yourself who are your main social supports- the people you go to in time of need. Ask them if you can have a 'date' once per week where you get together and do something fun. You need something to look forward to, and spending time with a friend or relative is one of the best ways to soothe yourself during this terribly difficult time.
The next two essays in this series will help you further along the road to healing and recovery from a broken heart. I know it's hard, but things usually do get better.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Breaking Up Gracefully: Part One
Breaking up is hard to do. Who hasn't had a breakup, after all? One of the hardest things to do is to break up gracefully. Relationships bring out in people what I call 'primitive' emotions: anger, love, lust, jealousy, and the beat goes on. This is the first in a series of 4 essays I call Breaking Up Gracefully.
This first one will focus on why breakups trigger such primitive emotions and why breaking up is so damn difficult. The following 3 essays to come this week will focus on other aspects of breakups and give you tips on how to break up gracefully.
Breaking up is difficult because, in a nutshell, we have lost something. This loss often triggers profound sadness. One of the things that determines how you deal with your break up is whether you initiated it or your partner initiated it. Everyone always asks people, "So who broke up with who?" Adults like to think this is such a juvenile question. They will laugh it off and say that this is so childish, that it doesn't matter. The truth is, it does. If you loved someone but then end the relationship yourself, you can feel overwhelmed with guilt and worry for the well-being of your partner. If your partner chose to end it, you can feel a total loss of control. I am a believer that if one partner is unhappy, both are unhappy. Why? Because we can sense when our partner is not happy and that should make us feel unhappy, too and help us realize that the relationship is not working. It has to work for both partners, not just one!
If you are broken up with and you still would have liked to stay together, I feel tremendous empathy for you. There is little worse than feeling that you are not enough to make someone happy. This can trigger sadness, anger, revenge fantasies, and all sorts of other primitive feelings. One of the worst parts of breaking up is that your feelings seem so damn permanent at the time! Sometimes, it's hard to imagine that you could ever feel happy again. One of the quickest things to go out the window when you are overwhelmed with primitive feelings is perspective. It is terribly difficult (or next to impossible!) to imagine that one day you will wake up and feel better.
In the next 3 essays to follow this week, I will give you some tips on how to handle breaking up so that you can immerse yourself in the light at the end of the tunnel. For now, if you remember one thing, remember that the primitive feelings you feel while breaking up are not permanent. The pain will simply not last forever.
This first one will focus on why breakups trigger such primitive emotions and why breaking up is so damn difficult. The following 3 essays to come this week will focus on other aspects of breakups and give you tips on how to break up gracefully.
Breaking up is difficult because, in a nutshell, we have lost something. This loss often triggers profound sadness. One of the things that determines how you deal with your break up is whether you initiated it or your partner initiated it. Everyone always asks people, "So who broke up with who?" Adults like to think this is such a juvenile question. They will laugh it off and say that this is so childish, that it doesn't matter. The truth is, it does. If you loved someone but then end the relationship yourself, you can feel overwhelmed with guilt and worry for the well-being of your partner. If your partner chose to end it, you can feel a total loss of control. I am a believer that if one partner is unhappy, both are unhappy. Why? Because we can sense when our partner is not happy and that should make us feel unhappy, too and help us realize that the relationship is not working. It has to work for both partners, not just one!
If you are broken up with and you still would have liked to stay together, I feel tremendous empathy for you. There is little worse than feeling that you are not enough to make someone happy. This can trigger sadness, anger, revenge fantasies, and all sorts of other primitive feelings. One of the worst parts of breaking up is that your feelings seem so damn permanent at the time! Sometimes, it's hard to imagine that you could ever feel happy again. One of the quickest things to go out the window when you are overwhelmed with primitive feelings is perspective. It is terribly difficult (or next to impossible!) to imagine that one day you will wake up and feel better.
In the next 3 essays to follow this week, I will give you some tips on how to handle breaking up so that you can immerse yourself in the light at the end of the tunnel. For now, if you remember one thing, remember that the primitive feelings you feel while breaking up are not permanent. The pain will simply not last forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
