GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Our Relationship to Change

For many of us, a new year marks a fresh start and a new beginning. It is an opportune time to reflect on the past twelve months, as well as to anticipate the future. It is also appropriate to congratulate ourselves for making it through the challenges of the past year.

Despite the future's uncertainty, there is something that I know we can all count on in the new year – change.

Everyone deals with change a little differently. Change can elicit feelings of excitement and anticipation as well as anxiety, sadness, or just about any other human emotion. It can be helpful to recognize that all change – whether positive or negative – is somewhat stressful. Most of us find comfort in the familiar, so both small and large changes can challenge our coping skills.

If you find change particularly difficult, it may behoove you to explore fears associated with it. I often find that clients are aware that change is something they resist and they accept this fear without fully examining it. Understanding a resistance to transition can give your valuable insight, which you can use to cope with the changes of the new year!

Despite what the future brings, it is important to be kind to ourselves during times of uncertainty. Everyone takes care of themselves uniquely, but make sure that you are gentle and loving with yourself when things are the hardest. Being good to yourself will help you handle demands and allow you to see the tremendous opportunities that change brings. William Shakespeare said it well, "We know what we are, but know not what we may be." Change is a blessing that gives us the push to grow and expand. Happy 2009 everyone!

Dr. Seth's TIP OF THE DAY

After a brief Christmas break, I am back with fresh thoughts as we end the year 2008. Though some people say that making New Year's Resolutions is silly, I believe in them 100%. In fact, take some time in the next couple days to make some Relationship Resolutions. Take inventory of what kind of friend, partner, family member, or co-worker you have been in the past year, and ask yourself which relationships could use a little refreshening. Get out some paper and start making your list today!

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Holiday Blues

The holidays, while often a time of joy, can also be difficult for many people. I frequently hear from clients that the holiday season can reignite the acute loss of a loved one. When we think of this kind of loss, we often think of a death, but it is important to remember that the end of a relationship is a death of sorts. Holidays are difficult for people who have recently experienced a break up. Mourning for what was lost and for what might have been cannot be ameliorated by festivities, and it may be exacerbated by all the relentless merriment.

Two of my best friends have recently experienced difficult break ups. I was struck when I realized that they both had told me, "I've learned a lot about myself" through the relationship and its end. I think that this is a wonderful perspective to take on an otherwise very painful situation. It is unfortunate that this growth springs from such pain, but it is certainly something that we have all experienced. It is wise to try to gain something from loss–and that gain can be insight into yourself. The end of a relationship is a great opportunity for personal growth and the perfect time to start therapy. A therapist can help you process difficult emotions and help you to gain more insight about what kind of relationship you want the next time around.

Frequently clients tell me that a break up prompted them to begin therapy because they say, "I've dumped on my friends enough." A therapist is an ideal person to provide additional social support. But it is important to remember that friends generally liked to feel needed, so you don't want to cut them out completely. If you are experiencing the holiday blues as a result of a romantic split, you may want to tell your friends how you are feeling. Letting others in on your pain gives them the opportunity to be that shoulder to cry on. It may also remind you of what you still have in your life apart from the loss.

Space is Grace

One of the most important lessons I learned about relationships was taught in a class on couples therapy in graduate school. My professor, Dr. Shelley Goldklank, said that the number one characteristic she sees in couples who come to see her for couples therapy is the tendency to react emotionally to each other when things go badly. In other words, one person says or does something, and rather than see it in perspective or blow it off, the other has an emotional response and responds emotionally right back.

I have seen this is my own work as a couples therapist. The tendency to overreact in emotional ways to your partner is the ultimate death knell for a relationship. The reality is that a long-term relationship can be difficult, and that each partner must allow the other to go through changes that have nothing to do with the other.

When your partner is in a bad mood – upset, depressed, or angry – give him or her some space. Don’t take it personally and don’t try to change their mood. If someone is upset, he or she is upset for a reason and you need to ride the wave until it passes. Sometimes giving your partner the space to be imperfect and to have the natural moods and ebbs-and-flows that go hand in hand with life can be the very thing needed to ease him or her out of a bad mood. Think ‘space is grace.’

Finally, remember that there may be times in the future when you’d like a little space. I’m sure, in those instances, you’d much prefer someone giving you that space rather than quizzing you on what’s wrong or emotionally reacting to the mood you’re in.

Learning How to Say “Sorry”

In any type of relationship, there comes the occasional need to apologize for something you’ve said or done.

Some people have great difficulty saying “I’m sorry.” For these individuals, having to apologize is a symbol of losing and surrendering. Of course, that is what a healthy relationship is all about – being able to be vulnerable. Nevertheless, people who need to learn how to say “sorry” are aware that this is one of their problems – they have likely been told this by people close to them over a period of many years.

While some men and women have a problem in not apologizing when they should, others have a problem with the way they apologize. These people say “sorry” and don’t really mean it or haven’t really taken inventory of why the other person is upset. At times, someone will apologize to you and say “sorry” as quickly and flippantly as if they were ordering a soda at restaurant – “Yeah, I’ll have diet.”

The next time someone is upset by something you’ve said or done, make an effort to apologize. At the same time, make an effort to say it meaningfully. Rather than utter the word “sorry” as if it is simply a sterile vocabulary word, go a step further and say why you’re sorry. Sometimes taking this extra step can make all the difference in the world.

Who Wears the Pants in Your Relationship?

If you’re in a relationship, answer this question by asking yourself a more specific question: who makes the decisions in your relationship?

In a long-term relationship, there are decisions big and small, decisions that relate to the kids (if you have them), the bills, the house, the social events, the vacations, and the list goes on ad nauseam. In most successful relationships, each member of the couple has learned to take certain departments and to make most of the decisions within that department.

Sometimes, however, one person ends up making decisions that the other would like more of a hand in – but doesn’t feel comfortable approaching the issue. A lot of people in relationships with what people call Type A personalities often feel steam rolled by their partners because the Type A personality needs to have a great sense of control over everything.

It’s very important to check in with your partner from time to time and ask them how they feel about this issue. Ask your partner what decisions he or she feels you control, and share your thoughts on the decisions you feel you make. Sometimes this exercise can lead to an extremely enlightening discussing. Over the long haul, taking inventory of issues in this way can be very healthy for your relationship so that resentments don’t snowball.

Dr. Seth’s TIP OF THE DAY

Today, take a moment out of your day and thank a friend for something they’ve done for you in the past year. This may sound silly, at first, because you’re probably thinking that you already said thank you once.

The truth about friendship is that we often take some things for granted. Sometimes, a friend can do something for you and yet you don’t realize until later how helpful what they did was. Think back to the past year and ask yourself who helped you out in a given situation, and think about the ways that this provided comfort. Shoot that friend an e-mail and remind him or her that you appreciate the kindness. People already get too much negative feedback in their lives, so offer one more opportunity for someone you care about to get a little positive reinforcement for being the solid friend he or she is.

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

Steve the Mind Reader

Time and time again I hear the same complaint from clients about their significant others. Whether I'm seeing a client for an individual session, helping a couple work through their issues, or talking to a friend about boyfriend woes, some problems in romantic relationships are universal. A few weeks ago, my friend Kate was discussing her frustration and anger because her boyfriend had recently stopped giving her a goodbye kiss before she left for work in the morning. Kate reported that in the beginning of the relationship her boyfriend, Steve, always kissed her before leaving the house. But now things had changed and she feared he was losing interest in her. We continued to talk about this problem, and it became clear that Kate hadn't mentioned this behavioral change to her boyfriend or how it was affecting her. When I raised this point, Kate sounded a familiar refrain, "Why should I have to tell him, shouldn't he just know?"

It is very common for people to assume that their romantic partner should "just know" certain things. But these kind of assumptions can perpetuate communication problems and lead to tremendous conflict. What seems very obvious to one person, may be a complete mystery to another because every one of us has a different history with different baggage. Steve didn't understand the symbolic nature of kissing (or not kissing) his girlfriend goodbye in the morning. Kate was reading all sorts of information into this parting gesture and drove to work stewing over it.

When Kate finally confronted her boyfriend with the issue, he began to laugh. "What are you talking about? That is nothing!" He didn't understand why this was significant to his girlfriend. Steve recently started a new job with a longer commute. He was busy and distracted in the mornings and therefore "forgot" to kiss his girlfriend goodbye. Kate couldn't understand how Steve could forget to do something that was so important to her. After further discussion my friend revealed that at the end of her parents' marriage they stopped being affectionate with each other. She realized that her fear regarding Steve losing interest in her was rooted in her past. When she shared this insight with her boyfriend, he could more easily empathize with her. Going forward, Steve made a conscious effort to give Kate that parting kiss every morning, which in turn comforted and reassured my friend.

Not all relationship problems are repaired so easily, but Kate and Steve illustrate the importance of communication in relationships. We hear this as a buzz word so much that it is easy to lose sight of how it can play out in real life. Initially Kate wasn't sure why the morning kiss was so upsetting, but she didn't ignore her feelings. Kate let her feelings guide her toward introspection and recognized why she was feeling "so irrational." Kate said, "Part of me felt that I was being ridiculous about the whole thing, but another part of me just couldn't let it go. I felt like Steve should understand without me explaining it to him.

Kate realized that Steve is not a mind reader. She felt secure enough in the relationship to open up to Steve about her feelings. Although his initial reaction minimized her feelings, Steve repaired the damage by empathizing with Kate once he understood the deeper meaning behind the kiss. Opening up to a partner about feelings is a risk, but embracing that vulnerability can lead to greater understanding and intimacy.

A Good Way to Make Someone Feel Smaller

One of the things that I try to do in my blog is to highlight some of the most common pitfalls I see people facing in their relationships. With respect to romantic relationships, in particular, a lot of people fall prey to dishing out verbal hits below the belt in a heated moment or a full-blown argument.

One of the most harmful things you can do in a romantic relationship is to verbally compare your partner to someone else. For example, in a frustrated moment, you might point out that all of your friends manage to get promoted at work and ask “so why is it so hard for you?!” Other common examples involve comparing how friends’ of yours have partners who do this-and-that for them “but you never once do that for me.”

Comparing your partner to someone else is a sure-fire way of making your partner feel small and, ultimately, of building resentment in him or her. In fact, repeatedly comparing your partner to someone else often has the reverse effect of what you’re intending to do – it often causes them to do nothing. In the back of their minds, they’re thinking ‘well, I can never be that person, so why bother trying?’ Sometimes, the partners who get compared to others end up feeling low and depressed, and stop trying altogether. It should go without saying that comparing your partner to an ex in an argument is absolutely off-limits!

Instead of comparing your partner to someone else when you get frustrated, keep others out of the equation and explain to your partner how you feel. For example, say “when you don’t do x, y or z, it makes me feel like you don’t care.” This is a lot less harmful to your relationship in the end and a lot more effective in inciting change in your relationship dynamic.

Dr. Seth's TIP OF THE DAY

If you haven't done so already, mark off the calendar and set aside some time in the next week to write some holiday cards to the people in your life. While you may usually send out cards each year to a certain group of people, why not extend that list by one or two this year?

Think of some people in the service industry that you rely on each year but might not have thought about sending them a card in the past. You know that friendly guy who always does your oil change? Or the staff at one of your doctor's offices? Why not send them a card? This is a great time of year to say "thank you," and the list is endless of people we can and should thank.

If you aren't typically someone who sends holiday cards, try beginning this ritual. I believe there aren't enough positive rituals we practice that bond us together as a community. Now is a great time to start!

GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW

A Weighty Issue: Me and My Platter of Holiday Cookies

'Tis the season for connecting with friends and family through parties and get-togethers. Obviously, these gatherings frequently involve delicious (and caloric) holiday foods. The ritual of eating is both nourishing and comforting and connects us to our earliest and most primitive urges and relationships. The kinds of foods present at a celebration are especially evocative of this connection. Most people don't raise a festive glass of ice water to toast the season! We are biologically and socially programmed to love the egg nog, people!

Recognize that the holiday season can be stressful for a variety of issues. The interplay between food, weight, and relationships can create almost a trifecta of stressors. In my clinical work I often hear from clients—usually women—about their struggles with weight issues. The holiday season can compound and intensify emotionality around eating. Should I eat that third sugar cookie? Will my boss be insulted if I pass on his fruitcake at the holiday party? Why did my mother mention that these pants make my butt look big?! Eating at this time a year (or not eating) can be an emotional minefield.

Maintaining a healthy body weight is never just a matter of watching carbs and counting points, but many people underestimate the emotional underpinnings of their weight struggles.

It's important to realize that holiday eating is challenging for most people. I urge client's to reflect on what they are feeling before they reach for that second slice of pumpkin pie. Perhaps you just really love the pie and want to treat yourself. But if you are feeling an uncomfortable emotion and are looking for a way to cope, it may benefit you to step away from the buffet and spend a few moments really examining what is actually going on. Becoming more aware of the interplay between emotions and actions will give you the information to make conscious choices in all aspects of your life. Maintaining a healthy weight is important, but I would argue that developing a healthy relationship with your body is a far more rewarding gift you can give yourself.

Looking for a Significant Other: Find an “Asker”

One of the most consistent frustrations I hear from people looking for a partner is what I call the ultimate bad date – one in which their date doesn’t ask them any questions about themselves. Any come to mind?

Recently, my friend Ally told me about a date that started fairly typically. She and her potential beau-to-be went to a nice, quiet restaurant, and ordered a tantalizing drink and dinner. What happened next? Ally did the usual and polite thing – she asked the man who sat across from her questions about himself and his life. She had a healthy curiosity to know who he was and to establish a connection.

Not long into their dinner, she found herself asking and listening, but soon realized he wasn’t asking doing any of the asking back. At first, she felt a little dissed – was he not interested? Was he thinking, instead, she’s not very attractive and that he could not imagine asking her out again?

Soon, however, her feelings changed to frustration – would it be so hard for him to ask her about her life? What the heck did this mean, she wondered, as she drove away that night feeling empty and alone. When, she pleaded in her mind, would she find what so many of her friends already had – a good guy and a relationship she could count on?

Ladies and gentleman, you have to be on your best behavior when you are cast adrift in the dating sea. You must work to show your date that you are not so wrapped up in yourself or so riddled with anxiety that you can’t perform simple appropriate dating behaviors, such as showing interest in your date. You have to ask your date questions about his or her life 1) so that you can figure out if the two of you are compatible and 2) so that you show him or her simple respect.

Asking your date questions shouldn’t be that difficult. You don’t need to go through a laundry list of first grader questions (What’s your favorite color?) but ask a few questions that will establish a connection. Ask your date about his or her family (do they live close or far away?) or about what kinds of things he or she likes to do when not working.

Whether your date asks you questions is a critical characteristic on the path to finding an appropriate partner – it shows the ability to give-and-take and shows the ability to begin to establish intimacy. If, in the future, you find yourself on a date in which your date is only talking about himself or herself and has not asked you any questions about yourself, address it in the moment. Make a joke and smile, saying “Ok, do you have any questions for me? I don’t want to feel like I’m conducting an interview!” Sometimes calling people out can help them see what they’re doing and they can redirect their own behavior.

No matter what, make sure to put this question on your silent checklist on your next date with a new potential partner: How easily did they ask me questions and show interest and curiosity about my life? You will be more likely to find a good partner if you approach your dating relationships with such consciousness.

Exciting New Addition to My Blog

I am happy – no, elated – to announce a terrific addition to my blog on relationship issues. For several months now, I have worked to create a blog that is both interesting and informative – one that speaks to issues that affect you in everyday life. My hope is that this blog can offer a perspective that you can find useful and carry with you into the relationships in your life.

I am very proud to say that nearly a thousand visitors are visiting my blog each month. Moreover, I’m proud that my blog keeps growing. As I have said from the beginning, this blog is for you, the readers. If you have suggestions or relationship needs you think my blog could speak to, I happy to respond to those needs.

As a part of the expansion of my blog, I want to introduce the newest addition to my blog – Wednesday’s Guest Blogger, Amanda Kane, LSW, who will publish every Wednesday on relationship issues that could very well affect you.

Let me spend a minute and talk about Amanda Kane. Every good therapist should have another clinician they go to for occasional consultation – someone to bounce ideas off or to get feedback on a complex clinical issue. For me, Amanda Kane is that clinician. Amanda has an incredibly sophisticated understanding of the complex dynamics inherent in relationships, and I’m confident you will get a lot out of her posts. In particular, Amanda brings to the blog a female’s perspective that I’m sure you will find illuminating. In addition, you will see what I sharp, witty sense of humor she has, and she will surely add to the list of people who make you laugh. Everyone needs a little laughter, right?

Amanda Kane has excellent credentials which you can read more about in the biography section of my blog, but I’m confident her posts will speak for themselves. Thank you, readers, for helping to make this blog a vibrant, meaningful vehicle to discuss important relationship issues that affect each and every one of us.

You and Your Body: You Can Run But You Can’t Hide

One of the most consistent messages I send to my clients in private practice is the importance of physical exercise. Blah, blah…those who don’t want to exercise have heard the same old story thousands of times. Getting someone to exercise who simply doesn’t want to is like trying to get a smoker to give up cigarettes – it’s an uphill battle.

Nevertheless, let’s take a moment and think about your relationship with your body. Overall, is it good, so-so, or not so great? Regardless of what you say in response to this question, the proof, as they say, is in the pudding – whether or not you exercise.

Some people may exercise and still not like their body, but they demonstrate their value of and commitment to their body by investing in it. At the same time, exercise is not the only factor that goes into the equation of how you feel about your body. When, for example, was that last time that you looked at yourself in the mirror for more than a minute without clothes?

A scene from a popular film, The Bridges of Madison County, comes to mind in which Meryll Streep takes a long, curious, and ultimately loving look at her body in a full length mirror. I know many of you might be terrified at taking such a gander – but why? And more importantly, do you think that’s something worth changing?

If you don’t have a good relationship with your body – manifested in avoidance of nudity in front of the mirror or of regular physical exercise – make it a point to think about how this relationship affects you. It is my belief that you might be carrying around an unnecessary load of shame, and I suggest it’s time to kick that shame to the curb and do something to improve your relationship with your body.

Dr. Seth: Tip of the Day

Take a moment in the next few days and call a member of your extended family. Call one of your relatives you don’t talk with very often – it will make your effort that much more of a pleasant surprise.

Last summer, I went to a Los Angeles concert where Dolly Parton performed. In between songs, she spoke about having lost her mother not long ago. She told the audience: “Be good to your mama because you’ll miss her when she’s gone.” She said it with such a sadness in her voice that I could tell how truly she meant it.

Your mother, however, isn’t the only family member whom you’d miss if she were gone. Take a moment to send a shout-out to another member of your extended family and remind that person you notice he or she is here and that you really appreciate that presence.

Couples: What Goes on Behind Closed Doors

Yesterday, I wrote a post about judging others. As a result, I got to thinking about how easily it is for people to talk about the relationships others have. I wondered how much we judge the relationships we see around us. Think, for a moment, about couples you know. Think about which ones are good relationships and which ones are bad. Though the reality is that we never know what goes on behind closed doors, everyone has opinions about the romantic relationships they see on a frequent basis.

Continuing with the judgment theme, ask yourself what makes you judge a couple as having a bad, unhealthy relationship. Is it fighting in public? One talking down to the other? The fact that they may have been together forever but haven’t sealed the deal yet in marriage?

I’ve heard of long-term relationships in which the two members of the couple live in separate states or cities. What are your thoughts about such couples? Do you judge their relationship or believe that such a relationship can be healthy? Ask yourself these questions and you will find out a lot about your own beliefs about love and relationships.

Yes, We All Judge Each Other

Once in a while, I hear someone assuredly state “I don’t judge people.” My reaction is always the same – a bit surprised, a bit curious to hear more. Is it possible not to judge? If such benevolent, unearthly souls exist, does their lack of judgment make them better people?

We live in an interesting society in which the bible has largely defined the moral compass of our culture, and yet there remain unmistakable pockets of prejudice and discrimination. It seems that we still have great difficulty learning how to truly respect one another and refrain from judgment of others.

I believe that it is nearly impossible to avoid some level of judgment of others. After all, everyone can think of examples of things one should not say or do to another. If someone does that, aren’t you likely to judge? The bigger question, perhaps, is whether it is healthy to have some judgment of others. Think about it and see what you come up with.

As a rule, I believe that you must live and let live. Unless someone is hurting someone or something, I believe it is important to allow others to be themselves – and that may look different from you. If you do find yourself judging occasionally, try to keep your judgments to a minimum. More than anything, you should be aware of what triggers your judgment.

Ask yourself what brings out your strongest, most judgmental reaction? Next, ask yourself why that it. As long as you believe something, you must back it up with why. Finally, have a conversation with a trusted friend and ask him or her the same thing. Sometimes hearing what others have to say can shine a wise a light and even cause you to change some of your own beliefs.