Dr. Seth’s Tip of the Day

Put on your chef’s hat and do it! Make a delicious meal for a friend or romantic partner. Put thought into the menu and make a special trip to the market to get all the ingredients you need. Your meal doesn’t have to be complicated, but it must be cooked by you. Cooking for someone is one of the best ways you can express your love and appreciation.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Enjoy your Thanksgiving and remember to appreciate the ones with whom you're spending the holiday. I will be back tomorrow with a new post to end the holiday week with a delicious relationship tidbit - though not as delicious, of course, as the meal you'll likely eat today.

The Rewards of Entertaining at Home

Years ago, I lived in New York City while I was doing my doctoral training. Like most young New Yorkers, I lived in various places all over the New York metro area. For whatever reason, it’s common practice for young New Yorkers to move to a new place every year or two – take a poll and you’ll find this to be true.

Most of the places I lived were small and not fit for entertaining friends. When I moved to California years later, I found that having a house brought with it the opportunity to regularly entertain friends in my home. For those of you who have your own apartments or homes, how often do you entertain friends?

Meeting up with others in restaurants, bars, or other venues is great – nothing wrong with that. However, entertaining in your home ramps up the intimacy in your relationships. Your friends get to see you in your home environment and people can feel at greater ease to kick back and relax. How often, for example, are you are at a restaurant and take off your shoes to get a little more comfortable?

Entertaining at home also gives you the opportunity to broaden the ways you spend time – pull out a board game, watch a funny movie, or play with your pet together if you have one. If you haven’t had people over in a while, don’t get caught in the Martha Stewart complex of needing everything to be…just right. Ridiculous! There are no rules when it comes to entertaining. Invite some friends over in the near future and you will likely find that you want to extend another invitation again soon.

Tip of the Day: It’s Time for a Compliment

Take a moment and give someone a compliment today. Spread positivity and you will get it back in spades. There’s too much difficulty and negativity in the world, so make an effort today to give someone a little positive feedback. You’ll even feel better for doing it!

So Maybe You Need a Little…Sex Therapy?!

In the past couple of weeks, the Oprah Winfrey Show has featured a prominent sex therapist named Dr. Jen Berman. Dr. Berman has been featured on a series on Showtime and also has her own sex therapy center in Chicago.

Those of you who follow my blog may know that I support a great deal of what Oprah Winfrey does on her show – she makes people think and talk about things they might not otherwise be inclined to discuss. Her show thrusts subjects into your living room and encourages you to face uncomfortable issues.

So, when I recently saw that Oprah’s show was focused on sex therapy, I eagerly tuned in. People ask me all the time if I do sex therapy or if I know someone who does. I am not a specialist in sex therapy, and people whose issues primarily relate to sex should really see a specialist in this area. A clinical psychologist can get additional training in sex therapy, but most graduate schools and internships don’t promote enough awareness of sex issues to allow the graduates to treat these issues effectively – you really should have a lot of specialized training. And the truth is that I don’t know anyone who does. Yes, I can do some research to find someone, but the point is that sex therapists are not very prevalent.

For many years, regular ol’ therapy carried quite a stigma – nobody wanted anyone to think they were…crazy! Of course, we’ve matured a little bit as a society and people have come to realize that everyone on earth could probably benefit from a little therapeutic tune-up. On the other hand, sex therapy still must hide in the closet. Ask yourself how comfortable you would be telling a co-worker that you need to leave work early to go see your sex therapist. What would they think? What a pervert!

If you didn’t get a chance to catch either of the past two Friday episodes of the Oprah Winfrey Show, do a little research to see if you can find a rerun of it. The show does a wonderful job of highlighting some common sex issues and offers hope that people can actually solve some of these problems. Tune in and you may realize that you could benefit from a little sex therapy yourself.

Ask Dr. Seth: What Should I Say to My Daughter?

Dr. Seth,

My daughter is 13 years old and has become friendly with a boy she knows. I know they like each other and see each other when they're hanging out in a group. The other day, she told me about a girl she knew who just had sex for the first time. I want to make sure that I send my daughter the right message so that she doesn't do this herself too young, but I want to make sure I handle it the right way. What's the best way to handle this?

Karen, 41, Florida



Dear Karen,

You're not along dealing with this issue. Parents all across the world have to worry about the sex issue with their children. While it's healthy and normal to want to give her good guidance on this subject, it's important to understand that there is no perfect way to handle the subject - just do the best you can.

When you talk about sex with your daughter, send a clear and simple message but do not employ authoritarian fear tactics - this could cause your daughter to rebel and act out. Have a conversation about why it's better to wait to have sex and the risks one faces if they become pregnant too young. A good way to approach this is to tell you daughter to think about her dreams and goals for her life, and to encourage her to keep her eye on the ball. Explain that getting pregnant too young can often get in the way of reaching your goals and dreams. Best of wishes to you and your daughter.

Dr. Seth

Your Turn to Talk: Your Most Influential Relationship

One of my goals in creating this blog from the very start was to do something similar to what I do in my clinical practice – help people to become more aware and insightful about themselves and the world in which they live. From time to time, I will include questions for you, the readers, to consider that I believe are important.

In my work with my clients, we often end up spending a great deal of time talking about one person – the person that has had the greatest influence on their development. Sometimes the influence is good and sometimes the influence is not so good. Take a moment and think about which relationship in your life has had the greatest influence on you. Whose voice do you carry around with you in the back of your head the most?

Though the question sounds easy enough, it can actually be somewhat difficult to answer. Sometimes the person we think has had the greatest influence is not actually the most influential. For example, someone could have negatively impact us and yet our defense mechanisms raise a wall to protect us from that awareness -in other words, we don’t really want to believe that so-and-so was harmful because we’ve been trained to believe we should love that person and should avoid criticism of him or her.

Here is a question that will help you get to the root of which relationship has had the greatest influence on you: when something bad happens to you, what do you say to yourself about why it happened to you? Take your answer, and ask yourself who in your early life (mom, dad, other family member, teacher, etc.) would have said the same thing to you.

This process will often guide you to your most influential relationship. Feel free to write a post below and share your thoughts, or write down your thoughts on this question elsewhere if you prefer more anonymity. Exercises such as this one are incredibly helpful in raising awareness about who you are and what makes you tick.

Finding the Right Romantic Partner: Should You Stick to the Same Ethnicity?

Many people believe that dating people who share your ethnicity is one of the surest ways to find compatibility that works over the long-term. This belief is not simply folk wisdom – it’s actually been supported by psychology studies that focus on romantic longevity. As I think about Barack Obama’s recent presidential election speech which provided a beacon of hope and unity, I wondered for a moment if dating within your ethnicity is a little outdated.

I believe that sticking to a hard and fast rule about ethnicity in dating is not necessarily the most effective way to approach finding a partner. More than anything, men and women must focus on emotional compatibility above all else. I hate to think that someone could rule out the possibility of developing a relationship with someone simply on the basis of ethnicity alone.

Here, however, is one caveat to consider: the degree to which you identify with the history and customs of your ethnicity and its culture. You may be someone whose family encourages you to find a partner of the same ethnicity, who practices many of the rituals or customs of your culture consistently, and who values that your unborn child shares your exact ethnicity. If this is the case, it may be difficult for your relationship down the road if you marry outside of your ethnicity. My ultimate point, in your case, is that it is at least worth looking at the reasons why you only want to date within your ethnicity – you want to be sure the decisions you make in partner selection will be good for you over the long haul.

On the other hand, a great many people have an ethnic background that they do not so highly identify with. There’s nothing wrong with being either type of person – you simply have to know which one you are as you seek out the right romantic partner for you. I hear a lot of people say things like “but you can’t control who you fall in love with!” The truth is that it’s not necessarily wise to let yourself fall in love with anyone as if you have no control over your feelings.

It is very important to get a certain amount of information about prospective partners before letting yourself fall emotionally for them. As a rule, I don’t believe you need to stick to dating individuals who share your ethnicity unless you are highly identified with your culture’s customs and practices, and feel strongly that being a with someone of another ethnicity would contradict strongly held values. However, you need to give someone a chance in order to learn certain things about him or her. For this reason, it may be wise to open yourself up and have an initial conversation with anyone – regardless of ethnicity.

The Beauty of Role Changing: When Your Aging Parent Becomes The Child

The lives of a friend’s parents recently changed when Hurricane Ike came through their Texas neighborhood and left mass destruction behind. Because I live in California, I am usually distanced from the impact hurricanes have on the lives of millions who live in various parts of the country. (Fires, of course, are one of the enemies we face in my neck of the woods.)

During a recent conversation I had with my friend, he told me about how he has spent six of the past ten or so weekends traveling to Texas to help rebuild his elderly parents’ home along the water in southern Texas. In hearing the details, it struck me how lucky his parents are to have a grown child who can come to their rescue in this way.

As I thought about this further, I recalled a moment at my grandfather’s funeral in which his son – my uncle – talked about what it was like nursing my grandfather in the final months prior to his death. My uncle, a stoic man who rarely expresses emotion, spoke openly about the paradox of the situation. He explained that people often think helping a sick and aging parent is purely altruistic – that it helps only the sufferer. However, my uncle spoke about how this experience was life-changing for him and how it was incredibly healing to be able to help his father in such a dramatic way.

There is an old expression that says “the best way to help yourself is to help somebody else.” This is one of my favorite expressions – one I try to remember every day. I think about my friend rebuilding his parents’ home and the pride he feels when he said his extended family will cook Thanksgiving dinner this year in the brand new kitchen he and his brother have just finished.

Real life stories such as these are ripe with life lessons. I felt proud of the goodness of my friend, and believe that caring so deeply for his parents makes him a better, stronger man. It’s predictable – and yet still crazy – to think about how things change with your parents as all of you get older. It reminds me that changing roles later in life with our parents makes us all better and wiser people. The changes allow us, the children, to learn how to truly give back, and it allows our aging parents to learn how to receive love and guidance from the very individuals they loved and guided from the beginning. Life is perpetually crazy and exciting because it truly is always changing.

So Who Really Needs Therapy?

One of the questions that I get asked the most is whether everyone should get therapy or whether it’s only necessary for people who have mental illness or serious issues. The simple answer is that everyone – no matter how perfect you are or your life has been – can benefit from individual therapy.

Though I am a proponent of therapy, I am just as quick to tell people that therapy is not the only healer or vehicle to significant change. Many people have a significant religious figure in their lives, whether it is a priest, rabbi, or someone else. Others have a teacher or professor, or another professional in their lives they can lean on when things get difficult.

The important point is that it is important to speak to someone objective about the issue that you’re struggling with. Therapists, religious figures, and others are more likely to be objective than family or friends, and it is this objectivity that will help give you the perspective you need to see your problem clearly and to know how to go about dealing with it.

I believe in the power of therapy above all other possible relationships because therapy allows for a lengthy session, a consistent time to have it, and little to no interruptions in the therapeutic setting. This focus is incredibly important for the client. Yet if you’re uncomfortable with the idea of therapy, consider talking to a professional at your church or someone in another arena in your life. If you decide to do the latter, it is critical that you can trust that the information you’re sharing will be kept confidential so that you can develop true trust with your confidant.

Regardless of whether you choose to talk to a therapist or another type of professional, this relationship can help bring significant positive change to your life!

In Social Situations, Avoid Putting This Sock in Your Mouth

Social situations are ripe with the possibility of crossing all sorts of boundaries and getting inappropriate in a multitude of ways. As adults, the hope is that we have dealt with a lot of our issues and have learned how to respect one another. Some social situations can get a little provocative, particularly ones that involve political debate, opinions about how to raise children, and other sensitive subjects.

Everyone saw the passion engendered across America in the last presidential election. Politics is something many people feel strongly about, and this is one of the reasons why Human Resources divisions always recommend that employees not discuss politics with their coworkers. However, politics is just one of the issues that can boil someone’s blood and cause things to get a little personal.

In social situations in which you’re discussing something you feel strongly about, you may recall a time or two when you or someone else has divulged someone else's personal information that went a step too far. Often when two people are close and they trust one another, one may share extremely private details about his or her past with the hope that this information will be closely guarded and respected as confidential. When the two of you find yourselves in a larger group discussing a topic that gets a little heated, make an extra effort to remember what information is confidential.

You may be able to think of a time when you were in a group setting and someone shared some information about another person present, and that other person felt uncomfortable with that information being shared. No matter how personal a discussion may be or how heated a debate may get, always respect that person’s privacy and let that person be the dispenser of that information.

One of the situations that can particularly provoke the tendency to share someone’s private information is in a situation in which he or she makes an argument that another person knows confidential information that contradicts his or her argument. In this type of discussion when things get personal, the discussion often turns to a battle in which someone wants to emerge as the winner. In such situations, resist all attempts to emerge as the winner and respect the privacy of those around you. While a friend may have shared something with you in private, that friend may have no interest in sharing such information with a larger group. This is a tricky but important life lesson – one that we must all learn in on order to socialize with each other respectfully and peaceably.

What’s Your Greatest Career Ambition & How Much Support Do You Receive For It?

Recently I was talking with a friend and we found ourselves talking about her career goals. She told me what she hoped to do in the future, and I then asked her what her ultimate career dream was. She paused for a minute and then said she hadn’t really thought about it.

This conversation caused me to wonder why some people have such dreams and others don’t. I thought for a moment about the speeches award winners give when they thank so-and-so for encouraging them and supporting them from the time they were little. The most inspiring stories always involve people whose passions and skills were supported in the face of few opportunities.

There doesn’t appear to be a simple formula that explains why some people have dreams and great ambition and others don’t. You can’t blame it all on the parents. While some children come from neglectful homes and rise to great success, others reach similar success but were nurtured and supported every step of the way.

One of the reasons why I think it’s important to consider how supporting one’s dreams affects people is that you can look at your life today and see how it applies. For example, do you have any life or career dreams that you believe are possibly within reach? If so, how do the people in your life support or not support it? Have you shared your highest career goals with others? I believe it’s terribly important to 1) verbalize your career dreams and 2) receive encouragement and support for them from those around you.

You should also extend the same courtesy and optimism to your loved ones. Tell those around you that anything is possible – why not? No one needs one more Debbie Downer in life to tell them something just isn’t going to happen. Just as half the battle may be talent and luck, I believe the other half is positive thinking.

Take this opportunity to write down your career dreams and assign dates by which you hope to realize those dreams. Ask your loved ones around you if they have such dreams. Make a pact to support each others’ dreams and perhaps with attention to and support of those dreams, some of those dreams just may come true.

Beware the Conversational Faux Pas

It will only take a moment for you to come up with a name or two when I pose the following question: Know anyone who constantly interrupts you when you’re talking?
This trait can be one of the most annoying that affects you in your friendship, work relationship, or romantic relationship.

Why do interrupters interrupt? In general, people who interrupt others consistently do so out of anxiety – yet what the anxiety stems from can vary. For some, they interrupt others almost as if to finish the thought of the other person. In such cases, this anxiety reflects the wish to connect – but to an overly enmeshed degree. In other words, the interrupter is hungry to feel close and connected to someone. For others, the anxiety can stem from a wish to have the last word or to be perceived as the authority in the conversation. At root, the person lives in a state of anxiety because he or she is always sensitive to power hierarchies and feels a tremendous need to emerge in conversation as powerful and knowledgeable.

It goes without saying that this is a trait in others that you must address if someone in your life does this with you. You can confront the situation by gently pointing it out. I always believe that to say something directly but gently is much better than to do what will inevitably happen if you don’t address it – ultimately you’ll likely say or do something passive-aggressive.

If you can’t think of anyone who does this to you, ask yourself whether you are perhaps a guilty culprit. Has anyone ever given you feedback that you are an interrupter? Even if no one has confronted you, keep this question on the back burner in one of your next conversations with a friend, co-worker, or your significant other. Sometimes we do things and are not even aware of it. In general, I always tell my clients that becoming more conscious of our behavior will ultimately always improve the relationships we have.

Spending & Hiding: Secrets Kept From Your Significant Other

One of the most common problems that couples have relates to money. Couples have probably fought over money issues since the beginning of time, and 2008 is no exception. Many of the problems couples have around money relate to what each member of the couple spends money on.

For many couples, they share joint bank accounts and have no individual money to call their own. For these couples, good communication is critical because all the money is shared jointly. In other words, if one member of the couple chooses to drop a couple hundred dollars on clothing, it impacts the other member of the couple – they’re pulling from the same account.

Serious problems often emerge when one member of the couple has a gambling problem or a compulsive spending habit. Another problem that couples present is that one or both members of the couple, at times, hide some of their spending from their significant other. As a rule, you can’t have a truly functional relationship unless you have an open, honest line of communication – and there’s no exception when it comes to money.

What happens with some couples is that one person gets upset as a result of something the other does, and one who is upset often acts out through spending. It’s almost as if he or she feels deserving of the spending because of what the other member of the couple did. This is only a half-step away from a twisted teenage game. Because we’re adults, we must learn to confront issues when they arise in our relationships.

If you are someone who, at times, hides your spending from your significant other, I encourage you to think about how he or she would feel to know what’s going on. Also, as a rule of thumb, I think it’s realistic to think that if you’re doing something, your significant other could very well be doing it, too. This does not make it okay for you to continue spending and hiding in the future, though it does suggest that it’s time to put your behavior on notice.

Adults Need Nap Time, Too

Like clockwork, parents all over the world put their little ones down for a little R & R about the same time everyday. Parents engage in such a routine because it is established that a nap is healthy for their growing kids. As these kids age, however, we place more demands on them with school and sports though their rigorous schedules prevent them from getting some of the down time we gave them when they were younger.

If you think kids or adolescents are over-worked, take a look at your adult schedule and let the exhaustive range of your duties sink in. When was the last time you took a nap? When you consider examples of self-care like this, we are really talking about what kind of relationship you have with yourself – how well you take care of your mind and body. Odds are that you are better at taking care of others than you are of yourself.

One of the things I like about shows like “The Oprah Winfrey Show” is that they have asked people to begin thinking about this sort of thing – this crazy thing mental health professionals call self-care. At the same time, not everyone has time to sit down and watch television. I know that my mother, who had five children, rarely had time during the middle of the day to sit down and relax. In fact, she would have felt guilty allowing herself to relax.

Mothers, however, are not the only ones sacrificing too much – men do it, too. I recently attended a training in which the facilitator said that taking a ten minute break and closing your eyes three times per day reduces your stress by 60%. Maybe three times is too much to begin with, but try at least once. I believe that you will find that your relationship with yourself improves as you make these self-care efforts. Little kids aren’t the only ones who need and deserve a nap.

Advice Givers: Please Stop!

When you are in a long-term romantic relationship, there are going to be times that your significant other comes to you and tells you about an upsetting situation he or she is dealing with. You know the feeling – you probably recall a time or two when you said the wrong thing.

One of the most consistent patterns I see in the work I do with couples relates to a lack of emotional support each person feels from the other in the relationship. When something upsetting happens, Sally may go to her husband, for example, and explain what is upsetting her. What happens next? Her husband dispenses some awfully good advice. His advice reflects care for his wife and strong problem-solving skills. What’s the problem then? Why is Sally left feeling more upset after talking to her husband than she was before?

Her husband, like many people when their significant others are facing a problem, tried to solve the problem for her instead of listening and simply offering emotional support. You know you have given advice in the past when it wasn’t asked for, but do you know why you did it? The reason you and others continue to dispense advice is because people react emotionally in such situations. They hate to see their significant others upset so they do their best to take their pain away for them.

The best thing that you can do when your significant other comes to you upset is to listen. It’s always a good idea to ask first whether he or she wants advice before unleashing your problem-solving prowess. Ask simply “Do you want some ideas about how to handle it?” I am asking you to take a guess right now how you imagine your significant other will answer that question – my guess is that we’re both thinking the same thing.