Recently a friend was telling me about a friendship he had that was dwindling down to next to nothing. He talked about how his friend was rarely available when he initiated invitations and how all his friend could talk about was himself. My friend spoke about how the things that seemed to matter most to his friend were status, having a job that looked good to others, and hanging out with the right crowd. What bothered my friend most was the fact that his friend never wanted to hear much about what was going on his life despite my friend’s efforts to inquire about his friend’s life.
Without saying the word, my friend was describing what mental health professional refer to as narcissism. This word, narcissism, is a long one but what it means is incredibly simple. Narcissism refers to a degree of self-absorption that renders the narcissist unable to focus on much more than himself. The narcissist’s m.o. is first and foremost to look out for his own interests to the exclusion of thinking about the effect he has on others.
Loving a narcissist – friend or otherwise - can be incredibly painful because you never feel truly connected. Because the narcissist’s energy is constantly focused on himself, he is emotionally unavailable to you. Appearance and image is everything to the narcissist. Deep down, the narcissist has a terribly fragile ego and constructs elaborate defense mechanisms to protect against feeling inadequate. The narcissist, in essence, is always looking over his shoulder to see if there is someone or something out there who can elevate his or her position and make him appear more valuable.
The mental life of the narcissist is riddled with hierarchies. They have constructed mental lists of who is the brightest, most beautiful, and most sexually desirable. The narcissist creates elaborate rankings in each category. It’s not uncommon for the true narcissist to let friends or lovers go when they are no longer meeting the criteria and making the narcissist look good and valuable. In other words, people are somewhat disposable objects to the narcissist.
Most people don’t fit the criteria of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but I’m talking more about a spectrum of narcissism in which people have varying levels of self-absorption. When my friend talked about his self-absorbed friend, my friend was really talking about someone who narcissistic – not necessarily someone who meets the criteria for full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
If you have a relationship with someone and often end up feeling shut out by him and that he is not terribly interested in your life, there is a good likelihood that you’ve formed a relationship with someone who is narcissistic. If that’s the case, you must ask yourself whether this relationship is meeting your needs and if you are feeling sufficiently appreciated. There are some relationships you will form in this life in which you have come to settle for less than you deserve. Sadly, forming of a relationship with a narcissist is inevitably a lose-lose situation.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Ask Dr. Seth: Trouble in the Land of Sex
Dr. Seth,
I have been with my husband for three years and it's a pretty good relationship overall. Our sex life has always been good, but that has changed in the last month or so. He stopped initiating sex and has had a difficult time keeping an erection the couple times we've tried. Should I be worried?
Stacey, 29
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Dear Stacey,
The problem you are dealing with is fairly common. Many men go through periods where they have a tough time with sexual performance. The problem typically relates to difficulty maintaining an erection, ejaculating prematurely or not at all, or disinterest in sex. Unless there is a medical or serious psychological reason for the change in sexual functioning, most of these situations pass with time.
Why does your husband not have the same interest in sex? It could be due to many reasons, including preoccupation with something, anxiety, depression - all of which could have nothing to do with you. On the other hand, it could be due to negative feelings he is carrying for you which prevent him from wanting to be intimate. For example, sometimes a man's disinterest in sex could stem from his feeling seriously hurt or angry about something his wife said or did. A lot of people will tell you that a man who goes through a period of not wanting sex is having an affair, but I think men are a little more complicated than that.
The best way to handle this situation is to 1) not react emotionally, 2) allow more time to determine if a true pattern has been established, and 3) if it continues, have a gentle talk with him in which you ask him about how he feels about not having sex and share with him your feelings.
I hope this helps.
Dr. Seth
I have been with my husband for three years and it's a pretty good relationship overall. Our sex life has always been good, but that has changed in the last month or so. He stopped initiating sex and has had a difficult time keeping an erection the couple times we've tried. Should I be worried?
Stacey, 29
****
Dear Stacey,
The problem you are dealing with is fairly common. Many men go through periods where they have a tough time with sexual performance. The problem typically relates to difficulty maintaining an erection, ejaculating prematurely or not at all, or disinterest in sex. Unless there is a medical or serious psychological reason for the change in sexual functioning, most of these situations pass with time.
Why does your husband not have the same interest in sex? It could be due to many reasons, including preoccupation with something, anxiety, depression - all of which could have nothing to do with you. On the other hand, it could be due to negative feelings he is carrying for you which prevent him from wanting to be intimate. For example, sometimes a man's disinterest in sex could stem from his feeling seriously hurt or angry about something his wife said or did. A lot of people will tell you that a man who goes through a period of not wanting sex is having an affair, but I think men are a little more complicated than that.
The best way to handle this situation is to 1) not react emotionally, 2) allow more time to determine if a true pattern has been established, and 3) if it continues, have a gentle talk with him in which you ask him about how he feels about not having sex and share with him your feelings.
I hope this helps.
Dr. Seth
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Pets…Make You Love Your Partner More?
One of the best things couples can do for their relationship is to share a pet. While some may prefer the more conventional dog or cat, others may relish the thought of a slippery cobra or a manic little ferret. Regardless of your pet of choice, sharing one can enrich your romantic relationship and make it stronger.
In the past, society cast a rather restricted light on what defines a family. Most people thought it should consist of two parents and children. However, as the number of two parent households continues to fall, society has had to reconsider how it defines a family. It is my belief that pets are most definitely legitimate members of a family. They are particularly important members of the family for couples who don't have kids. Some even argue that the love they feel for their pets is similar to the love parents feel for their children.
One of the reasons why sharing pets makes you love your partner more is because it extends the family that you have created with your partner. It also creates a mutual purpose. When you’re in love, love can be a purpose that sustains you but you really need more than that to carry you through the long haul that defines a long-term relationship.
In addition, I believe that sharing a pet enriches your romantic relationship because a pet allows for a very healthy exchange of affection and love with another safe entity – if I can risk sounding sociopathic as I call a pet an ‘entity.’ If you and your partner have a fight, for example, you can curl up with your pet and get some of the love and affection you need in that moment. Once you’ve experienced the soothing effect of the love of your pet, you might feel a little less bothered when it comes to seeing your partner in the next room a few minutes later.
One of the most consistent messages I send to my clients is to avoid putting all your eggs in one basket. I explain that no one person or thing can meet all your dependency needs and fulfill you, so you must have several things in your life that nourish you. While having a romantic partner is a tremendous blessing, sharing a pet can provide additional love in the house. This love, I believe, will help fortify you both individually and as a couple, in good times and bad.
In the past, society cast a rather restricted light on what defines a family. Most people thought it should consist of two parents and children. However, as the number of two parent households continues to fall, society has had to reconsider how it defines a family. It is my belief that pets are most definitely legitimate members of a family. They are particularly important members of the family for couples who don't have kids. Some even argue that the love they feel for their pets is similar to the love parents feel for their children.
One of the reasons why sharing pets makes you love your partner more is because it extends the family that you have created with your partner. It also creates a mutual purpose. When you’re in love, love can be a purpose that sustains you but you really need more than that to carry you through the long haul that defines a long-term relationship.
In addition, I believe that sharing a pet enriches your romantic relationship because a pet allows for a very healthy exchange of affection and love with another safe entity – if I can risk sounding sociopathic as I call a pet an ‘entity.’ If you and your partner have a fight, for example, you can curl up with your pet and get some of the love and affection you need in that moment. Once you’ve experienced the soothing effect of the love of your pet, you might feel a little less bothered when it comes to seeing your partner in the next room a few minutes later.
One of the most consistent messages I send to my clients is to avoid putting all your eggs in one basket. I explain that no one person or thing can meet all your dependency needs and fulfill you, so you must have several things in your life that nourish you. While having a romantic partner is a tremendous blessing, sharing a pet can provide additional love in the house. This love, I believe, will help fortify you both individually and as a couple, in good times and bad.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Navigating Your STD In the Dating Circus
No one wants to talk about it but the elephant in the room remains. Having an STD can be awful enough, but dealing with one within the context of dating can be downright hellish.
Why are STDs so awful? They’re not so bad because of the symptoms but because of the stigma the symptoms carry. The picture gets even worse when you consider how few people you feel comfortable disclosing this kind of information to. Because we often internalize the stigma society places on certain things, we come to develop shame. No one should feel shame when it comes to an STD. In many cases, you can get one by accident – no matter how careful you are. In other cases, you may contract something as a result of a bad decision you made.
Yes, we make bad decisions every day, yet the problem with some decisions is that the consequences of some are longer-lasting than others. If you have an STD, don’t allow yourself to fall into the shame trap. Learn about your STD, determine what to do to treat it, and move on with greater wisdom.
If you have an STD and you are trying to navigate the already difficult dating world, you owe it to your sexual partner to let him or her know that you have something as long as you plan on getting sexual. I understand that such disclosure is uncomfortable because of the stigma, but we are talking about plain old common decency.
If you don’t want to disclose this information, simply put off sexual play until your STD has been fully treated. If you have an STD that is longer lasting or perhaps even life-long, you’re going to have to disclose the truth sooner or later. My advice is to hold off getting sexual until you know your sexual partner well enough to determine if he or she is kind and respectful. Even in those situations, however, there is no guarantee that people will respond well to news they don’t like. In the end, the safest way to date is to do so with honesty and integrity, while protecting yourself at the same time.
Why are STDs so awful? They’re not so bad because of the symptoms but because of the stigma the symptoms carry. The picture gets even worse when you consider how few people you feel comfortable disclosing this kind of information to. Because we often internalize the stigma society places on certain things, we come to develop shame. No one should feel shame when it comes to an STD. In many cases, you can get one by accident – no matter how careful you are. In other cases, you may contract something as a result of a bad decision you made.
Yes, we make bad decisions every day, yet the problem with some decisions is that the consequences of some are longer-lasting than others. If you have an STD, don’t allow yourself to fall into the shame trap. Learn about your STD, determine what to do to treat it, and move on with greater wisdom.
If you have an STD and you are trying to navigate the already difficult dating world, you owe it to your sexual partner to let him or her know that you have something as long as you plan on getting sexual. I understand that such disclosure is uncomfortable because of the stigma, but we are talking about plain old common decency.
If you don’t want to disclose this information, simply put off sexual play until your STD has been fully treated. If you have an STD that is longer lasting or perhaps even life-long, you’re going to have to disclose the truth sooner or later. My advice is to hold off getting sexual until you know your sexual partner well enough to determine if he or she is kind and respectful. Even in those situations, however, there is no guarantee that people will respond well to news they don’t like. In the end, the safest way to date is to do so with honesty and integrity, while protecting yourself at the same time.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Sexual vs. Emotional Infidelity
Though everyone may have a slightly different definition of what qualifies as infidelity, most people seem to believe that it involves sexual betrayal. This type of betrayal is incredibly painful for the partner who has been cheated on, and countless self-help books discuss ways to cope with this kind of event when it happens.
Much less is documented and discussed when it comes to emotional infidelity. I’m not talking about finding out that your partner follows pornographic websites or is connecting with others somewhere in sexual cyberspace. Even though those partners may not be actually having sex and may not ever meet, the nature of the infidelity is still sexual.
Emotional infidelity refers to behavior that one partner engages in that fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now and sometimes promotes the possibility of sexual intimacy in the future. Many people maintain secret or semi-secret friendships when there is a clear mutual interest or attraction, while others may not be interested but encourage others’ interest in them.
The sad reality is that emotional infidelity is often totally hidden to the extent that you may not know if and when your partner is emotionally cheating. Because the connection is not sexually based, there are fewer opportunities to detect the infidelity. For example, when there’s no need for a hotel room, it’s difficult for anyone to find proof of the betrayal upon review of your credit card bill.
Many articles and books will give you the top tips to tell you if your partners cheating, but what are the tips to tell you if your partner is emotionally cheating? The truth is that it is very difficult to tell – in some cases, next to impossible. The best indicator is to consider the character of your partner and to ask yourself how much you truly trust his or her integrity. How loyal is your partner to his or her friends? To his or her job? To his or her family? Is there a history of unfaithfulness in any form in the past?
Ultimately, we all have strong instincts that guide us. Your instincts will have a hard time telling you someone is emotionally cheating on you, but they will easily tell you whether your partner is inherently trustworthy or prone to infidelity. It never hurts to discuss this issue with your partner so that you can be sure you have the same definition of infidelity. It is my belief that your definition of cheating should include both emotional and sexual components.
Finally, one point I would like to emphasize is that couples often wait until they’re in a trouble spot to discuss uncomfortable issues. In my clinical work I always tell my clients that the best time to discuss problems is completely counter-intuitive – do it when things are going well!
Much less is documented and discussed when it comes to emotional infidelity. I’m not talking about finding out that your partner follows pornographic websites or is connecting with others somewhere in sexual cyberspace. Even though those partners may not be actually having sex and may not ever meet, the nature of the infidelity is still sexual.
Emotional infidelity refers to behavior that one partner engages in that fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now and sometimes promotes the possibility of sexual intimacy in the future. Many people maintain secret or semi-secret friendships when there is a clear mutual interest or attraction, while others may not be interested but encourage others’ interest in them.
The sad reality is that emotional infidelity is often totally hidden to the extent that you may not know if and when your partner is emotionally cheating. Because the connection is not sexually based, there are fewer opportunities to detect the infidelity. For example, when there’s no need for a hotel room, it’s difficult for anyone to find proof of the betrayal upon review of your credit card bill.
Many articles and books will give you the top tips to tell you if your partners cheating, but what are the tips to tell you if your partner is emotionally cheating? The truth is that it is very difficult to tell – in some cases, next to impossible. The best indicator is to consider the character of your partner and to ask yourself how much you truly trust his or her integrity. How loyal is your partner to his or her friends? To his or her job? To his or her family? Is there a history of unfaithfulness in any form in the past?
Ultimately, we all have strong instincts that guide us. Your instincts will have a hard time telling you someone is emotionally cheating on you, but they will easily tell you whether your partner is inherently trustworthy or prone to infidelity. It never hurts to discuss this issue with your partner so that you can be sure you have the same definition of infidelity. It is my belief that your definition of cheating should include both emotional and sexual components.
Finally, one point I would like to emphasize is that couples often wait until they’re in a trouble spot to discuss uncomfortable issues. In my clinical work I always tell my clients that the best time to discuss problems is completely counter-intuitive – do it when things are going well!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Adult Temper Tantrums Are *Not* Okay
Check out my entire YouTube channel Dr. Seth: Psychologist with hundreds of self-improvement videos for you!
Recently a client of mine told me about what happens in her house when her husband loses his temper. In short, everyone gets scared and walks around on eggshells until her husband gets his mood under control. My client loves her husband but is afraid this trait will never change. I explain consistently with my clients that people can't necessarily change their personality, but they can certainly change their behaviors.
Let me be clear when I say this: If someone in your house is guilty of adult temper tantrums, you must say "No more." You must create a No Tantrum policy to protect the peace of your house and environment. Everyone must learn how to manage their feelings, and there are countless outlets that are good for frustration when someone feels overwhelmed.
The most important thing to do if someone in your life has tantrums that affect you is to sit the person down and seriously describe how the tantrums affect you. Explain that you are willing to work together with that person to help him or her find better ways to cope when he or she feels overwhelmed. Do not forget that adult tantrums must be unacceptable and understand that you must take a proactive approach to this problem if you ever want things to truly change.
Check out my entire YouTube channel Dr. Seth: Psychologist with hundreds of self-improvement videos for you!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Rebound Relationships: Are They Always Unhealthy?
The issue of rebound relationships is not as clear-cut as you might guess. It would be easy to say that all rebound relationships are unhealthy because you haven’t given yourself time to mourn the end the relationship you just ended.
If you’re starving for a good generalization, it’s safe to eat this one for breakfast: As a rule, rebounds are bad news. However, this generalization fails to take into account the fact that the relationship one just ended may have been over for a long time prior to the official end. In other words, a man can be in a relationship and be mourning the loss that it is ending prior to the actual end of the relationship. In some relationships, the love and connection died a long time ago, and the two people simply stay together to avoid the upsetting breakup words.
For these individuals, they may seek out another relationship soon after. That relationship is not necessarily going to be unhealthy provided that he or she did the work to make sense of why the last relationship failed. This work, I must emphasize, must be done prior to beginning the next relationship.
Looking at the picture from this angle, it becomes apparent that you must define what a rebound relationship is, because not all relationships that begin soon after the previous one ended are actually rebound relationships. What defines a rebound relationship is the fact that you have worked through the issues of your last relationship so that you can avoid bringing them into your next one.
As long as your next relationship is not a rebound relationship and you have learned from your previous relationship, you are poised to find a relationship that will actually work for you!
If you’re starving for a good generalization, it’s safe to eat this one for breakfast: As a rule, rebounds are bad news. However, this generalization fails to take into account the fact that the relationship one just ended may have been over for a long time prior to the official end. In other words, a man can be in a relationship and be mourning the loss that it is ending prior to the actual end of the relationship. In some relationships, the love and connection died a long time ago, and the two people simply stay together to avoid the upsetting breakup words.
For these individuals, they may seek out another relationship soon after. That relationship is not necessarily going to be unhealthy provided that he or she did the work to make sense of why the last relationship failed. This work, I must emphasize, must be done prior to beginning the next relationship.
Looking at the picture from this angle, it becomes apparent that you must define what a rebound relationship is, because not all relationships that begin soon after the previous one ended are actually rebound relationships. What defines a rebound relationship is the fact that you have worked through the issues of your last relationship so that you can avoid bringing them into your next one.
As long as your next relationship is not a rebound relationship and you have learned from your previous relationship, you are poised to find a relationship that will actually work for you!
Monday, October 20, 2008
How Many Loves Per Lifetime?
One of the greatest challenges I see people facing as they look for a lasting relationship is the misguided search for ‘The One.’ If you are single, ask yourself as you read this whether you truly believe there is one soul mate you’re destined to be with. Thanks to Hollywood films and the rabid Hallmark culture in which we live, we have been socialized to believe there is one – and only one - person with whom we truly belong.
Perhaps this belief was more prevalent in the past, when divorce was frowned upon and gender roles were set in stone. Over the course of decades, some people have allowed themselves the freedom to define the kind of people they are and the type of relationship they want without seeking the endorsement of society. However, based on my clinical work, it appears that too many people continue to look for their one and only perfect match.
For those who have been in a relationship for many years, they become aware of the compromises that must be made and the things they must accept in their partners in order to make the union work. Unfortunately, too many people who are single are stuck in a cycle of searching for the ideal partner. The truth is that ideals don’t jive with reality.
It’s impossible to say how many soul mates a person has per lifetime because there is no algorithm or formula to inform you. How many loves you connect with in a lifetime depends on how open you are to the idea of love. I know many people who invested everything in their partner and the relationship ultimately failed. For some of these people, they’ve given up the fight and will likely never let themselves commit to loving anyone else again. Why? Deep down they believe we’ve got only one love per lifetime.
Believing that we only get one soul mate is a trap that is based on fear – fear of loving and losing again. When you look at your ability to connect with friends and family, clearly you’re capable of loving more than one person. If you are single and catch yourself thinking there’s only one person you’re truly meant to be with, stop and think about why you believe this is true. Asking yourself meaningful questions and taking inventory of your wishes can help cultivate life wisdom, as well as prevent a great deal of unnecessary potential pain down the road. After all, if a relationship doesn’t work out for you, my hope is that you let yourself take the risk and attempt to find a more fulfilling relationship the next time around.
Perhaps this belief was more prevalent in the past, when divorce was frowned upon and gender roles were set in stone. Over the course of decades, some people have allowed themselves the freedom to define the kind of people they are and the type of relationship they want without seeking the endorsement of society. However, based on my clinical work, it appears that too many people continue to look for their one and only perfect match.
For those who have been in a relationship for many years, they become aware of the compromises that must be made and the things they must accept in their partners in order to make the union work. Unfortunately, too many people who are single are stuck in a cycle of searching for the ideal partner. The truth is that ideals don’t jive with reality.
It’s impossible to say how many soul mates a person has per lifetime because there is no algorithm or formula to inform you. How many loves you connect with in a lifetime depends on how open you are to the idea of love. I know many people who invested everything in their partner and the relationship ultimately failed. For some of these people, they’ve given up the fight and will likely never let themselves commit to loving anyone else again. Why? Deep down they believe we’ve got only one love per lifetime.
Believing that we only get one soul mate is a trap that is based on fear – fear of loving and losing again. When you look at your ability to connect with friends and family, clearly you’re capable of loving more than one person. If you are single and catch yourself thinking there’s only one person you’re truly meant to be with, stop and think about why you believe this is true. Asking yourself meaningful questions and taking inventory of your wishes can help cultivate life wisdom, as well as prevent a great deal of unnecessary potential pain down the road. After all, if a relationship doesn’t work out for you, my hope is that you let yourself take the risk and attempt to find a more fulfilling relationship the next time around.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Like Old Dogs, People Can Learn New Tricks
Recently I was in a session with a client of mine who has done her best to convince me that people can't really change who they are. This issue routinely rears its ugly head when it comes to the unhappy relationship she's in with her husband. When she recites examples of things he does that she dislikes, I simply suggest that she ask him to stop doing those things. Trust me when I say that she's as a convincing as an Academy Award-winning actress when she says "he's never going to change."
Such statements are reflections of what mental health specialists call the core beliefs one has about the world, relationships, and himself or herself. These beliefs can, in fact, change over time.
I work hard to show my clients that you must teach people how to treat you. At first, the reaction I get is the usually the same, something defensive about how people can't really change that much. After this reaction often comes the declaration that it's too much work to be so vigilant and that they shouldn't have to tell their loved ones how to treat them - they should already know! In a nutshell, this statement reflects the wish to avoid the whole situation rather to confront it.
The reality is that people don't already automatically know how to treat you. They have their own histories, issues, and agendas. While the world is full of amazingly good people, it also bears its fair share of inappropriate individuals. In the end, it's your job to keep your relationships in healthy, working order. This doesn't mean that you must transform yourself into the behavior police but you must be mindful of your interactions with others. Your goal isn't to change anyone's personality but rather to ask the people in your life to change the behaviors they engage in with you. When someone crosses a boundary or disrespects you, handle it so that it doesn't happen again. Teach your loved ones what your needs are so that they can help meet them and you can experience fulfillment and peace.
Such statements are reflections of what mental health specialists call the core beliefs one has about the world, relationships, and himself or herself. These beliefs can, in fact, change over time.
I work hard to show my clients that you must teach people how to treat you. At first, the reaction I get is the usually the same, something defensive about how people can't really change that much. After this reaction often comes the declaration that it's too much work to be so vigilant and that they shouldn't have to tell their loved ones how to treat them - they should already know! In a nutshell, this statement reflects the wish to avoid the whole situation rather to confront it.
The reality is that people don't already automatically know how to treat you. They have their own histories, issues, and agendas. While the world is full of amazingly good people, it also bears its fair share of inappropriate individuals. In the end, it's your job to keep your relationships in healthy, working order. This doesn't mean that you must transform yourself into the behavior police but you must be mindful of your interactions with others. Your goal isn't to change anyone's personality but rather to ask the people in your life to change the behaviors they engage in with you. When someone crosses a boundary or disrespects you, handle it so that it doesn't happen again. Teach your loved ones what your needs are so that they can help meet them and you can experience fulfillment and peace.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Ask Dr. Seth
Dr. Seth,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years, and it’s been kind of a difficult relationship. I love him and think that he’s the one for me, but he struggles with severe depression. For a while, he was getting help and taking medication. He got better for a while, and things in our relationship became steady again. The problem is that now he has stopped his therapy and recently went off his medication. His depression is back and I’m feeling like our relationship is in a downward spiral. Is there something that I should do?
Karen, 34
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Dear Karen,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re overwhelmed by what’s going on with your boyfriend. Mental illness is incredibly difficult for loved ones to contend with, and depression is no exception. The reality is that a functional relationship requires that each member of the couple be a healthy 50% of that union. If one member of the couple is hanging on by a thread, he or she is not emotionally available to meet his or her partner’s needs.
What you must do is focus on your own needs and ask yourself if those needs are getting met by your boyfriend. It’s true that you can make efforts to ensure the best for your boyfriend, but ultimately you can’t do his breathing for him. In this situation, I would consider having a talk with him and explaining what you need him to do in order for you to feel positive about the prospects for the relationship to continue.
It sounds like you’re tolerant of your boyfriend’s depression as long as he is managing it in a responsible manner. Now is the best time to sit down and have a serious talk with your boyfriend so that you can decide together how to proceed from here.
Dr. Seth
My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years, and it’s been kind of a difficult relationship. I love him and think that he’s the one for me, but he struggles with severe depression. For a while, he was getting help and taking medication. He got better for a while, and things in our relationship became steady again. The problem is that now he has stopped his therapy and recently went off his medication. His depression is back and I’m feeling like our relationship is in a downward spiral. Is there something that I should do?
Karen, 34
**********************************************************
Dear Karen,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re overwhelmed by what’s going on with your boyfriend. Mental illness is incredibly difficult for loved ones to contend with, and depression is no exception. The reality is that a functional relationship requires that each member of the couple be a healthy 50% of that union. If one member of the couple is hanging on by a thread, he or she is not emotionally available to meet his or her partner’s needs.
What you must do is focus on your own needs and ask yourself if those needs are getting met by your boyfriend. It’s true that you can make efforts to ensure the best for your boyfriend, but ultimately you can’t do his breathing for him. In this situation, I would consider having a talk with him and explaining what you need him to do in order for you to feel positive about the prospects for the relationship to continue.
It sounds like you’re tolerant of your boyfriend’s depression as long as he is managing it in a responsible manner. Now is the best time to sit down and have a serious talk with your boyfriend so that you can decide together how to proceed from here.
Dr. Seth
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Swinging Single: It’s Not So Bad, Is It?
When it comes to relationship status, the grass is always greener. Couples who have been together for years often fantasize about being on their own, while singles frequently idealize the home and hearth that coupledom purportedly brings. It is my belief that too many singles spend their time and energy longing for The One and miss out on the true pleasures of being single.
The best way to find your partner is to embrace your single life and accept all that it has to offer. It’s perfectly normal to want a relationship, but it is abnormal to be single and unhappy about it. Life is a nonstop series of curve balls, and what separates the happy people from the no-so-happy people is the ability to adapt to your circumstances.
If you’re single, embrace it! There are many freedoms that come with being single, some of which you must give up when you commit to a relationship. When you’re single, you have sexual freedom. In addition to that, you have a lot more spare time than you do when you’re coupled. Sound silly? It shouldn’t – as a couple, you have to navigate two separate individuals’ social calendars of events.
I’ve heard many people say that the best way to find a partner is to avoid looking for it. I think this is one of the greatest myths out there in the dating universe. The truth is that you must wear on your face an openness and interest in the possibility in order for someone to pick up the signals. However, it is possible to hold two different beliefs about the same issue at the same time. You can enjoy being single but say to yourself that you would also love the opportunity to meet someone meaningful.
The important thing is to accept whatever stage of life you’re in and accept the pleasures that come with it. If you’re in a long-term relationship, there are wonderful advantages. Society is much better at reinforcing the advantages of commitment than it is at reinforcing the advantages of singledom. Somehow, society puts a ‘better’ status on people who are in a relationship. Think about the question either you’ve asked others or others have asked you: “Why are you single?” That’s a pretty provincial question. It suggests that the person who’s doing the asking doesn’t yet understand that being single isn’t so bad and, in fact, has its advantages.
The best way to find your partner is to embrace your single life and accept all that it has to offer. It’s perfectly normal to want a relationship, but it is abnormal to be single and unhappy about it. Life is a nonstop series of curve balls, and what separates the happy people from the no-so-happy people is the ability to adapt to your circumstances.
If you’re single, embrace it! There are many freedoms that come with being single, some of which you must give up when you commit to a relationship. When you’re single, you have sexual freedom. In addition to that, you have a lot more spare time than you do when you’re coupled. Sound silly? It shouldn’t – as a couple, you have to navigate two separate individuals’ social calendars of events.
I’ve heard many people say that the best way to find a partner is to avoid looking for it. I think this is one of the greatest myths out there in the dating universe. The truth is that you must wear on your face an openness and interest in the possibility in order for someone to pick up the signals. However, it is possible to hold two different beliefs about the same issue at the same time. You can enjoy being single but say to yourself that you would also love the opportunity to meet someone meaningful.
The important thing is to accept whatever stage of life you’re in and accept the pleasures that come with it. If you’re in a long-term relationship, there are wonderful advantages. Society is much better at reinforcing the advantages of commitment than it is at reinforcing the advantages of singledom. Somehow, society puts a ‘better’ status on people who are in a relationship. Think about the question either you’ve asked others or others have asked you: “Why are you single?” That’s a pretty provincial question. It suggests that the person who’s doing the asking doesn’t yet understand that being single isn’t so bad and, in fact, has its advantages.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Why Sex Is Glue
Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
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Regardless of the dynamic, every couple has a dance. Some of these dances include sex on a fairly regular basis, while other relationships have skipped on in time and left sex behind. Though some couples can maintain some level of intimacy without sex, their relationship lacks a certain glue. A relationship needs sexual play in order to stay romantically glued together.
Why is sex the ultimate glue? Why is it so important in a romantic relationship? In a nutshell, sex is glue because it is the one that makes your romantic relationship unique from all the other relationships in your life. Giving your partner the sexual part of you sends the message that there is one part of you that you reserve exclusively for him or her. As a result, your partner’s special status in your life is reinforced.
Sexual play can be defined in many ways. It could be as simple as gingerly rubbing someone on the arm while holding deliberate eye contact. For some couples, they need to have penetration or an orgasm in order to feel sexually fulfilled. The bottom line is that sexual play does not have to involve one or two naked bodies, but it must fulfill each person’s definition of what is sexually fulfilling.
If you and your partner have become a couple that has left sex behind, make an effort to redefine the way you look at sex. If you’re older or have been together for many years, it’s okay to be a little more restrained. The best way to bring sexual play back into your love live is to talk to your partner about it or make a simple gesture. Whatever you do, don’t forget that sex is glue.
Check out Dr. Seth's book on repeating toxic relationship patterns here: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome (Simon and Schuster).
Friday, October 10, 2008
When Divorce Leads To Stranger Status
One of the hardest things about relationships is that they often end. The theory goes that relationships end because the love ends - one or both members of the couple fall out of love. The reasons why they 'fall out of love' vary. While some people’s careers or professional obligations may draw them away from their relationship, others experience betrayal they can’t forget or move past. Some lovers simply change and grow apart, and realize they were not meant to be together.
Most of you have probably had the experience of witnessing the forced encounter of two people who were once married in the past but who seem to have almost no connection with each other. I always wonder ‘are you sure you were ever married?’ A lot of good songwriters have captured the melancholia that comes with love. I’m thinking of Carly Simon who sang the song “Coming Around Again” in which she sings “so good on paper, so romantic, but so bewildering.”
Without a doubt, what is bewildering in love is the anger two people can feel for each other while feeling so much love at the very same time, and the subsequent shut-off of the emotional valve when the love’s gone. What happens to the love? Does it simply die?
It is my belief that people’s love doesn’t actually go away. It seems more likely that the love remains but is repressed to defend against strong, unpleasant feelings underneath. When you see two people who treat each other as strangers but who were once married, you are not seeing the love. However, the love is there but repressed. You see the manifestation of the anger, sadness, or denial, but it covers strong feelings underneath. You can’t simply love someone day after day and ever truly stop loving that person. You surrender to denial if you can’t accept that there is a part of you that still loves and misses that person - even if it's just the tiniest part. Music comes to mind again as I think of Whitney Houston singing "and if somebody loves you, won't they always love you?" The answer, in a word, is yes - though some will go to the grave denying it.
It is rare, it seems, that couples are able to hold onto a friendship and remain close while still moving on after the divorce. I am always impressed when I see couples who manage to stay friends – it takes strength in character and worldliness that can rise above hurt and pettiness. While we can’t do much to change the state of affairs in other couples, you can reflect on your own relationship. If you are single, reflect on what you hope for in your next relationship. If you’re looking for a partner who is also your best friend, think in advance about what you can do now to make sure that you never have to see an ex and treat him or her like a stranger.
Most of you have probably had the experience of witnessing the forced encounter of two people who were once married in the past but who seem to have almost no connection with each other. I always wonder ‘are you sure you were ever married?’ A lot of good songwriters have captured the melancholia that comes with love. I’m thinking of Carly Simon who sang the song “Coming Around Again” in which she sings “so good on paper, so romantic, but so bewildering.”
Without a doubt, what is bewildering in love is the anger two people can feel for each other while feeling so much love at the very same time, and the subsequent shut-off of the emotional valve when the love’s gone. What happens to the love? Does it simply die?
It is my belief that people’s love doesn’t actually go away. It seems more likely that the love remains but is repressed to defend against strong, unpleasant feelings underneath. When you see two people who treat each other as strangers but who were once married, you are not seeing the love. However, the love is there but repressed. You see the manifestation of the anger, sadness, or denial, but it covers strong feelings underneath. You can’t simply love someone day after day and ever truly stop loving that person. You surrender to denial if you can’t accept that there is a part of you that still loves and misses that person - even if it's just the tiniest part. Music comes to mind again as I think of Whitney Houston singing "and if somebody loves you, won't they always love you?" The answer, in a word, is yes - though some will go to the grave denying it.
It is rare, it seems, that couples are able to hold onto a friendship and remain close while still moving on after the divorce. I am always impressed when I see couples who manage to stay friends – it takes strength in character and worldliness that can rise above hurt and pettiness. While we can’t do much to change the state of affairs in other couples, you can reflect on your own relationship. If you are single, reflect on what you hope for in your next relationship. If you’re looking for a partner who is also your best friend, think in advance about what you can do now to make sure that you never have to see an ex and treat him or her like a stranger.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Never Say "'Til Death Do Us Part"
Recently I was socializing with a couple who has been together for a few years. During our conversation, the couple declared without hesitation that they would be together forever. The degree of certainty with which they spoke could have only been grammatically captured with three exclamation points.
Perhaps I should have held my tongue, but I tried to gently express my surprise: How can you be so sure? Each member of the couple agreed that they’d never felt such a profound connection, and they insisted they could never recreate this kind of connection with someone else.
I though for a moment about a scene I remember from what might be the Madonna documentary “Truth Or Dare” years ago (if memory serves me correct). I recall her saying something dismissive to the effect of “I’ve already met everybody,” speaking about people she did not know and did not need to know. At the time, I felt profound pity for anyone who would make such a spiritless and ignorant comment. Though I have much greater respect for the couple I’m talking about, I was similarly shocked about the idea that people can speak with such certainty about the unknown – as if life is so predictable.
Not that there is a right answer in terms of how a couple should answer such a question, but I do believe it’s impossible to know how each of us will change and how that change could affect the dynamic we have in our existing relationships. It seems to me that it is perfectly normal to hope that you will be with your current partner forever. However, it seems abnormal to predict the future.
If you find yourself falling prey to extreme opinions about how your future will unfold, it is important to ask yourself if you are truly operating from a place of fear. After all, you may hope that you are together forever, but only time will tell the truth.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Beware: Instant Friendship
It’s happened to each and every one of us – the warning signs of instant friendship. Whether it’s a co-worker who shares too much too soon, or a new acquaintance who’s looking to merge, everyone knows what it feels like to be talking to someone who’s seeking instant friendship.
People handle this situation in a myriad of ways. Some people don’t want to seem rude, so they nod along and try to be pleasant. Some people feel awkward and get coerced into sharing private details themselves. Others can be rude or dismissive, and make an over attempt to post a glaring stop sign that sends the message: Go Away.
When someone seeks instant friendship and wants to get too close too soon, it typically reflects that this person has what mental health specialists call ‘unmet dependency needs.’ In a nutshell, everyone has certain needs for closeness with others, and these needs are ‘dependency needs.’ When someone’s dependency needs go unmet, that person has an emotional hunger for connection.
What can you do when someone seeks instant friendship as a means of fulfilling unmet dependency needs? The truth is that there is little you are going to do that will make a difference. The best analogy I can make is to relate an experience I see in everyday life.
Once in a while, you see young children whom you have just met who want to instantly attach to you. You might not even have met them - you could simply be riding the same elevator with them. I’m not talking about friendliness, but rather the search to connect, almost in the way you’d expect a child to look to a parent. When this happens, it is often a sign that the child lacks the guidance and love he or she needs, and he or she desperately looks for it around each and every corner.
For some people, they’ve never gotten what they needed. Many of the people who seek instant friendship as adults have been searching for a connection for a long time because they’ve never had a relationship that gives them their emotional ‘fill.’
When you come across someone who seeks instant friendship, the best thing you can do is to be aware of what’s going on – this person is looking to you to fill what is likely an emotional void. You must understand that such a void is not going to be filled easily or in a short period of time. Often, this characteristic will be apparent in dating situations. It is critical to detect the signs of someone wanting instant connection because the friendship or relationship that ensues will likely not be healthy. It is natural and healthy for friendships to begin with a certain measure of caution and distrust. After all, it should take a fair amount of time to build trust.
People handle this situation in a myriad of ways. Some people don’t want to seem rude, so they nod along and try to be pleasant. Some people feel awkward and get coerced into sharing private details themselves. Others can be rude or dismissive, and make an over attempt to post a glaring stop sign that sends the message: Go Away.
When someone seeks instant friendship and wants to get too close too soon, it typically reflects that this person has what mental health specialists call ‘unmet dependency needs.’ In a nutshell, everyone has certain needs for closeness with others, and these needs are ‘dependency needs.’ When someone’s dependency needs go unmet, that person has an emotional hunger for connection.
What can you do when someone seeks instant friendship as a means of fulfilling unmet dependency needs? The truth is that there is little you are going to do that will make a difference. The best analogy I can make is to relate an experience I see in everyday life.
Once in a while, you see young children whom you have just met who want to instantly attach to you. You might not even have met them - you could simply be riding the same elevator with them. I’m not talking about friendliness, but rather the search to connect, almost in the way you’d expect a child to look to a parent. When this happens, it is often a sign that the child lacks the guidance and love he or she needs, and he or she desperately looks for it around each and every corner.
For some people, they’ve never gotten what they needed. Many of the people who seek instant friendship as adults have been searching for a connection for a long time because they’ve never had a relationship that gives them their emotional ‘fill.’
When you come across someone who seeks instant friendship, the best thing you can do is to be aware of what’s going on – this person is looking to you to fill what is likely an emotional void. You must understand that such a void is not going to be filled easily or in a short period of time. Often, this characteristic will be apparent in dating situations. It is critical to detect the signs of someone wanting instant connection because the friendship or relationship that ensues will likely not be healthy. It is natural and healthy for friendships to begin with a certain measure of caution and distrust. After all, it should take a fair amount of time to build trust.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Part 2: Dating Dont's
While not everyone has had a date from Hell, most everyone has had a bad date. When you review past dating experiences in your mind, reflect on dates when you said or did something you regretted. Everyone's guilty of the same thing - being human. This essay is written to help give you some simple guidelines. Though some may seem too obvious to mention, I believe it never hurts to hammer home some reminders. As you make your efforts to find a relationship that works for you, remember that there is no perfect way to date. Dating is difficult but can help you grow thicker skin.
1. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Too often I see clients in my private practice fall head over heels for someone they don't truly know, only to find themselves disappointed by week three because they realize their dates are emotionally incompatible with them.
2. Don't reveal too much too soon. There's no need for your date to know about why your last relationship failed or about your insecurities - they'll all come out in the wash over time.
3. Don't expect your date to pay for you. I don't care if you're a woman or man - we're all grown-ups and can pay our own way. Expecting someone to pay for you sends a message that you are looking for someone else to meet your basic needs because you can't or don't want to do that yourself.
4. Don't ask questions that are too personal or that go too deep. Take the conversation slowly and let it mature over the course of a potential dating relationship. You don't need to understand the innermost workings of your date's mind in the first 24 or 48 hours.
5. Don't rule out the possibility for making a friend, even if the romantic fires aren't kindled. Too many people say "But I've got enough friends." Not true. Never close yourself off to the unknown.
6. Don't proceed if your date reminds you of an ex with whom you had a previous bad relationship. You need to learn from your past - not replicate it.
7. Don't ask someone you just started dating to meet your family, unless you're young and living under the same roof with your parents! Asking dates to meet your family sends a confusing message. The truth is that you need to get to know your date before determining if you'll want your family to know him or her.
8. Don't text, call, or e-mail others while on your date. This kind of thing is fine if there is an established relationship, but everyone is supposed to be on their best behavior in the beginning.
9. Don't go outside of your realistic budget on your dates because you will set up a dynamic that is difficult to undo. You need to find someone who is okay with the amount of money you have because that's the amount of money you're going to have for a while.
10. Don't begin talking on the phone with the new person you're dating more than an hour so per day, if even that. People often jump in too quickly and then get scared away. Start slowly and work your way into intimacy so that you don't have a freak out a few weeks into the relationship.
1. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Too often I see clients in my private practice fall head over heels for someone they don't truly know, only to find themselves disappointed by week three because they realize their dates are emotionally incompatible with them.
2. Don't reveal too much too soon. There's no need for your date to know about why your last relationship failed or about your insecurities - they'll all come out in the wash over time.
3. Don't expect your date to pay for you. I don't care if you're a woman or man - we're all grown-ups and can pay our own way. Expecting someone to pay for you sends a message that you are looking for someone else to meet your basic needs because you can't or don't want to do that yourself.
4. Don't ask questions that are too personal or that go too deep. Take the conversation slowly and let it mature over the course of a potential dating relationship. You don't need to understand the innermost workings of your date's mind in the first 24 or 48 hours.
5. Don't rule out the possibility for making a friend, even if the romantic fires aren't kindled. Too many people say "But I've got enough friends." Not true. Never close yourself off to the unknown.
6. Don't proceed if your date reminds you of an ex with whom you had a previous bad relationship. You need to learn from your past - not replicate it.
7. Don't ask someone you just started dating to meet your family, unless you're young and living under the same roof with your parents! Asking dates to meet your family sends a confusing message. The truth is that you need to get to know your date before determining if you'll want your family to know him or her.
8. Don't text, call, or e-mail others while on your date. This kind of thing is fine if there is an established relationship, but everyone is supposed to be on their best behavior in the beginning.
9. Don't go outside of your realistic budget on your dates because you will set up a dynamic that is difficult to undo. You need to find someone who is okay with the amount of money you have because that's the amount of money you're going to have for a while.
10. Don't begin talking on the phone with the new person you're dating more than an hour so per day, if even that. People often jump in too quickly and then get scared away. Start slowly and work your way into intimacy so that you don't have a freak out a few weeks into the relationship.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Part1: 10 Dating Do's
It may sound like a cliche or something that belongs in the pages of a teenage tabloid, but the truth is that it never hurts to keep in mind just how tricky the art of dating is. Many people swear off dating and wait for "the one" because the dating experience can be so uncomfortable. Others thrive on dating, and go on several dates per week in an almost manic quest to find someone. Regardless of your own personal feeling about dating - because everyone has one- I believe that dating is difficult. In fact, it's risky business. Dating can result in hurt feelings and vulnerability, and there are no promises or guarantees.
For this reason, take a look below at 10 simple things I've suggested to do when you're on a date with someone new.
1. Try to be yourself. Don't fall into the rut of trying to impress anyone.
2. Be honest. When you reveal things about your life and history, don't embellish. There's no need to be dishonest. Things you embellish may come back to haunt you if the relationship continues.
3. Ask your date questions about himself or herself. Don't talk about yourself more than you let your date talk about himself or herself.
4. During your date, be thinking about emotional compatibility. Get a sense of his or her sense of humor - does it jive with yours? Does he or she seem less, equally, or more sensitive than you? Trust me that these variables matter the most in the end.
5. Allow a little vulnerability to show. People are drawn to others who are accessible because they feel they can relate to them. Most people struggle with some insecurities - there's no need to appear invincible.
6. When deciding where to go for your dates, suggest places but decide together. This sounds easy enough, but it's easy to focus on what you want.
7. Keep your eye on the ball. As you approach dating, come up with two or three of the most important factors you are looking for in a partner.
8. Hold your horses on the sexual front. You want to know a little about someone before you invest in them emotionally, and the truth is that sex kicks up powerful feelings.
9. Compliment the person you're dating. Anyone can say "You look nice" but make an effort to notice something more meaningful about his or her personality.
10. Relax and enjoy it. View dating an opportunity not simply to get to know someone else but also as an opportunity to get to know yourself better.
Keeping these tips in mind will make dating a more pleasant and meaningful experience.
For this reason, take a look below at 10 simple things I've suggested to do when you're on a date with someone new.
1. Try to be yourself. Don't fall into the rut of trying to impress anyone.
2. Be honest. When you reveal things about your life and history, don't embellish. There's no need to be dishonest. Things you embellish may come back to haunt you if the relationship continues.
3. Ask your date questions about himself or herself. Don't talk about yourself more than you let your date talk about himself or herself.
4. During your date, be thinking about emotional compatibility. Get a sense of his or her sense of humor - does it jive with yours? Does he or she seem less, equally, or more sensitive than you? Trust me that these variables matter the most in the end.
5. Allow a little vulnerability to show. People are drawn to others who are accessible because they feel they can relate to them. Most people struggle with some insecurities - there's no need to appear invincible.
6. When deciding where to go for your dates, suggest places but decide together. This sounds easy enough, but it's easy to focus on what you want.
7. Keep your eye on the ball. As you approach dating, come up with two or three of the most important factors you are looking for in a partner.
8. Hold your horses on the sexual front. You want to know a little about someone before you invest in them emotionally, and the truth is that sex kicks up powerful feelings.
9. Compliment the person you're dating. Anyone can say "You look nice" but make an effort to notice something more meaningful about his or her personality.
10. Relax and enjoy it. View dating an opportunity not simply to get to know someone else but also as an opportunity to get to know yourself better.
Keeping these tips in mind will make dating a more pleasant and meaningful experience.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Firing Friends: The Simple and Fair Way to Do It
I know that a friend who regularly cancels plans is something that upsets most people. What I find, however, is that how people deal with the problem varies significantly. Recently, someone told me about a friend who had canceled plans twice in a row. He said that he was put off by the behavior and had decided to cut him off and let him go. In essence, he was ready to end the friendship.
As a former Program Director at a clinic, I occasionally had to deal with performance issues that came up with employees. When employees don't perform as you'd like, you don't simply fire them. What do you do? You come up with a plan as to how they can improve their performance. You tell them what needs to change, and you give them a specific time period to change it.
If you're friends with someone, don't you owe them that courtesy, as well? Simply firing your friend is a reflection of your accumulated frustration and your belief that you deserve more respect - all valid. I also believe that firing your friends prematurely reflects your wish to avoid having to talk the problem out. It's easier to fire someone than it is to confront them and work on improving your relationship together.
One of the most consistent issues I see in my clinical work is discomfort people have with confronting people who upset or hurt them. I don't mean attacking or yelling, but confronting situations in a way that still bears respect for the person you're confronting.
When you have a friend who cancels, do the uncomfortable thing - tell your friend how you feel as a result of the constant cancellations. Ask your friend why he or she does it, and ask your friend to stop doing this to you. Give it a certain amount of time (a couple weeks or a month or two). If it keeps happening, give your friend one last chance and explain in a gentle way that you won't be able to maintain the friendship if it keeps happening. Again, set a time line during which you will evaluate whether he or she has made an effort to change. By following these simple steps, you will develop an important social skills that will help you in many areas of your life.
As a former Program Director at a clinic, I occasionally had to deal with performance issues that came up with employees. When employees don't perform as you'd like, you don't simply fire them. What do you do? You come up with a plan as to how they can improve their performance. You tell them what needs to change, and you give them a specific time period to change it.
If you're friends with someone, don't you owe them that courtesy, as well? Simply firing your friend is a reflection of your accumulated frustration and your belief that you deserve more respect - all valid. I also believe that firing your friends prematurely reflects your wish to avoid having to talk the problem out. It's easier to fire someone than it is to confront them and work on improving your relationship together.
One of the most consistent issues I see in my clinical work is discomfort people have with confronting people who upset or hurt them. I don't mean attacking or yelling, but confronting situations in a way that still bears respect for the person you're confronting.
When you have a friend who cancels, do the uncomfortable thing - tell your friend how you feel as a result of the constant cancellations. Ask your friend why he or she does it, and ask your friend to stop doing this to you. Give it a certain amount of time (a couple weeks or a month or two). If it keeps happening, give your friend one last chance and explain in a gentle way that you won't be able to maintain the friendship if it keeps happening. Again, set a time line during which you will evaluate whether he or she has made an effort to change. By following these simple steps, you will develop an important social skills that will help you in many areas of your life.
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