Addiction: When You Believe Your Loved One Has A Problem

Dealing with the addiction of a loved one can be one of the most difficult experiences a person could have. Often, there is little that you can do other than offer support and let your loved know that you're there if and when he or she needs you.

In a word, addiction is ugly. It has many faces and constantly changes. In 12 step groups, they say that addiction is "cunning and baffling." Addicts say this because its cunning quality is often what leads the addict to relapse. I believe that addiction is equally cunning for the loved ones.

The loved ones watch the addict's personality change and experience first-hand a host of lies and manipulations. Melody Beattie wrote an incredibly important book called "Codependent No More" which describes what can happen to the loved one of an addict. Simply put, they can lose themselves if they try to rescue the addict.

The truth is that there is little you can do when you believe that your loved one has become addicted to something. First, confide in the addict your observations and share your belief that something is going on. Second, let the addict know that you are there to offer support and to help the addict find the clinical support he or she may need. Third and finally, detach a little.

Addiction is a juggernaut and can devestate the spirit and integrity of individuals, relationships, and everything else in its path. Find a good book on addiction today so that you can start coming to grips with what to expect. Whatever you do, understand that there is ultimately nothing you can do to save the person from the pain of their addiction - only the addict has that power.

Couples: Look Closely At Your Friendships To Determine If You’re Jealous

Across the board, one of the most insidious elements to contaminate a relationship is jealousy. When you think of jealousy, you may instantly think of soap opera-type shenanigans and teenage love. However, for most people, jealousy is not a thing of the past. In fact, some degree of jealousy lurks in most romantic relationships – in dating, short- and long-term relationships, and marriage.

I am believer that you may have jealousy and not even be aware of it. A good judge of this is to ask yourself whether your partner has close friends of the sex to which they’re attracted. For a married woman, for example, it is not always common for her to have close male friends with whom she socializes outside of the home or work environment. Is this because she is always with her partner, or because she is busy with other duties? Certainly having children makes everything more complicated, but having children shouldn’t negate the ability to maintain close friendships.

In my clinical work, I have found that members of a couple often don’t have close friends of the same sex to which they’re attracted out of fear. Often, there is a fear that their partner would get upset or feel threatened. Other times, there is a fear that some romantic feelings might start to develop. I have found that the happiest and healthiest couples have relationships in which each allows the other a certain freedom – and neither feels claustrophobic.

Look at your friendships as well as your partner’s friendships. Have a discussion with your partner about them. There is nothing to fear as long as you confront things 1) gently, 2) openly, and 3) honestly.

The Surest Way To Maintain A Long-Distance Friendship

The other day, I leafed through a magazine and read about a new book on etiquette that is currently being promoted. As a rule, I shy away from books on etiquette because they represent the antithesis of everything psychotherapy tries to do. Etiquette is all about what you ‘should’ do, and therapy teaches you that what you should do is aspire to be authentic. I always tell my clients that there is a difference between good therapy and bad therapy, and I explain that good therapy helps the client to figure out who they are without the prescription of who society or anyone else wants them to be.

Nevertheless, the article caused me to think about what few etiquette beliefs I do hold. One of these beliefs relates to letter writing, and I think we don’t do enough of it. It’s too bad that we all come home after a long day to a mailbox that greets us with junk mail and bills. Don’t we deserve better? In order to answer that question, we have to ask ourselves how many personal cards and letter we have sent out to others in the mail in the last year. Perhaps if we sent more good mail, we’d receive more.

My oldest friend is a wonderful letter writer. For years, we lived in separate states and wrote to each other. Sadly, we have given that up in exchange, apparently, for the thrills of our…more hectic lives? Many of you likely keep up with friends far away through e-mail, and there is nothing wrong with that. How nice would it be, though, to come home and receive a long letter from one of your closest friends in the mail? Even if you might not want to take the time out of your busy schedule, at least you’d feel pleased and reminded that your friend took the time to write a letter to you.

Letters take a long time to write, and there are more rituals involved than in sending the obligatory e-mail. You have to find a stamp and put it in a mailbox. You have to wait a few days for the person to receive it, and the list goes on. Perhaps a return to a letter writing culture is unrealistic in this technological age. However, I do believe that the rare occasions when you write or receive a letter are worth the effort in the end. If you’re not ready to sit down with pen and paper now, maybe you’ll change your mind the next time you receive some good mail in your mailbox.

Your Relationship With Tabloids: Is It Purely Harmless Fun?

In the waiting room of my private practice, we have many magazines displayed for clients to read while they wait. Pharmaceutical companies send almost every magazine you can imagine with their name printed somewhere, so we don't even have to order the magazines. The other day, I greeted a client of mine in the waiting room and found him reading a magazine that I am guilty of having in my office. The magazine was one of the tabloids that I won't mention specifically, but I bet it's one of the most frequently read magazines in that waiting room.

I'm sure you've heard enough people talk about the harmful effects of tabloids and America's obsession with them, so I won't bore you by going through the laundry list of their harmful effects. I can tell you, however, about what caused my reaction when I found my client reading one of them in my office.

I thought about something a gifted mentor of mine in New York said years ago: "Every time you idealize someone else, you devalue yourself." He explained that you can't do one without the other. The main question I have for people who read the tabloids is: Why would you want to read about someone else's life when they aren't reading about you? After all, your life is just as interesting, right?

I don't read the tabloids because they idealize external characteristics (money, fame, etc.) and suggest that these characteristics actually fulfill people and make them happy. Maybe so many celebrities wouldn't need to check into Betty Ford if this were true. I don't like the tabloids because they try to sell you this silly, simplistic story that you should be interested in people whom you don't know the first thing about. As a result, I have either no relationship or a bad one with the tabloids!

If you are someone who likes to read the tabloids and purchases them on a fairly regular basis, I hope that you consider what the clinician said that I mentioned earlier. You don't need to be famous or wealthy to have a perfectly interesting life, and I don't think you ever need to put yourself in a position in which you devalue yourself.

Ask Dr. Seth: My In-Laws Are Coming Between Me And My Husband. What Can I Do?

Recently I received this Ask Dr. Seth e-mail, and the individual who wrote to me talked about a fear that the division between the writer and the in-laws might get worse. The fear was that the tension would mount to the extent that the couple would have to split up because there was never going to be love or acceptance from the in-laws.

Tensions between a member of a couple and his or her in-laws marks one of the oldest rivalries in the book. Countless men and women have difficulties navigating their relationship with their in-laws. In fact, many books have been written about this subject to help people cope better with this situation. One, in particular, is called "Toxic In-Laws," which was written by my friend Dr. Susan Forward. This is a great resource and you can easily search for it online.

I responded individually to to the writer who talked to me about this problem, but I want to share some thoughts with the rest of you in case this is a problem you are dealing with, too.

The number one factor to keep in mind is that you and your partner are separate people, and that you will have a separate relationship with the in-laws from the one your partner has with them. Re-shaping your expectations, something cognitive-behavioral therapists call re-framing, can be very helpful in this case. Make your goal that you be able to communicate critical needs with your in-laws, not that you be close to them or be loved by them. Often, affection and love will come after many years once the in-laws have accepted that you are there to stay.

Whatever you do, resist becoming emotionally reactive. Do not act out on your frustrations and don't expect your partner to be terribly understanding of your situation. After all, you're talking about his or her parents, and he or she often feels stuck in the middle of the tension. It's not a competition for the love of your partner, so don't engage in behavior that suggests that it is.

Finally, find an outlet so that you can vent your frustrations. In addition, get helpful ideas about how to deal with your situation. The self-help section at your local bookstore is a great place to start. Fianlly, it never hurts to find a trusted friend or seek out a counselor. Understand that this issue is going to take a lot of patience on your part, so make that a goal you start working on today.

The Cornerstone Of A Long-Term Relationship Isn’t Love

Today I attended a mental health training in which the facilitator talked about the requirements for a healthy long-term relationship. The facilitator spoke about how love is not the number one determining factor that helps a relationship to grow strong over many years. He explained it is not lust or physical passion, bur rather the expression of physical affection.

The affection we discussed wasn’t sexual. Instead, we discussed how physical touch expressed in the simplest manner was the most important factor. As we discussed this, I thought about the gestures that express real love. The gestures can include rubbing one’s back, a hug, or a loving hand on one’s face that connote connection, warmth, and care.

All too often, how expressive we are is a direct reflection of how expressive the homes were in which we grew up. If you come from a home in which love was unspoken and there weren’t regular displays of physical affection, you may not reach out to touch your partner on a regular basis. Of course, there are likely the rote ways in which you say hello or goodnight, with a kiss and a declaration of “I love you.”

The training I attended, however, was in important reminder that non-sexual physical affection is a vital part of a relationship. Make an effort to express your love for your partner in a myriad of ways on a daily basis, and make physical affection a regular ingredient in your daily interactive dynamic. The smallest gestures can help to cultivate and maintain intimacy between two loved ones.

Is It Realistic To Be Friends With Your Ex?

Everyone has an opinion on this subject, mostly because everyone has an ex. Some people tend to friends with their exes, while others have little or no relationship with them.

There’s no real right answer when it comes to what’s healthy. It’s not necessarily a sign of someone’s healthy ego if that person is friends with his or her exes. That person could simply have a hard time closing the door and may need to keep his or exes around. On the other hand, it can be very healthy if you view your ex has a friend and there are no residual issues left over from your romantic relationship.

It’s the last point that hangs most people up from maintaining a friendship with their ex. Often there is anger or resentment that clouds the picture, and people often do better moving on and learning from the mistakes they made in their last relationship.

If you want to maintain a friendship with your ex, you must be dreadfully honest with yourself. You must feel confident that you have buried any resentments, that you no longer have any sexual or romantic feelings, and that your current or future partner wouldn’t feel threatened by the friendship. This is a tall order and the very reason why most people aren’t friends with their exes.

The One Thing You Can’t Do When You Argue

Regardless of who you’re arguing with, whether friend, partner, family member or co-worker, this so-called crime is committed every day by countless individuals who later regret it. I’m talking about name-calling when you’re in the heat of the moment and you use severe terminology to make your ultimate point.

The first thing that may come to your mind is the notion that I’m talking about name-calling that involves swear words or profane language. The reality is that hurtful name-calling doesn’t require profane language. Calling someone an “idiot,” for example, can have a long-lasting consequence in a relationship.

The problem during arguments occurs when one or both begin name-calling and use blanket terms to describe the other. Saying to someone “you’re such a…” or exclaiming “what a…” sums the other up in a negative way and dismisses them altogether. While some people can brush off names and defend against feeling hurt by them, others feel particularly sensitive to this. In fact, being called a name by someone you know can cause hurt that exacerbates the pre-existing argument. In this case, you’ve got even more to fight about.

A good rule of thumb as you’re arguing is to try to stay focused on the very thing you started arguing about in the first place. Name calling simply creates more problems and adds new things to argue about. Ultimately, each person ends up feeling more angry and hurt, and so they seek refuge in private corners.

When you’re having an argument, let yourself express your feelings but try to keep your eye on the ball. When it comes to the person you are arguing with, you will most likely still maintain a relationship with them after the argument is over. Accordingly, you need to avoid name-calling and learn to argue more responsibly.

Are The Relationships You Start When You’re Older Better?

There is a popular old saying that says that we get wiser as we get older. If this were true, it would mean that the relationships you start do, in fact, get better as you age.

The sad truth is that there are no perfect generalizations. While we often gravitate toward generalizations because they give us a sense of order and predictability in a disorganized world, generalizations often fall short.

When it comes to relationships, it’s all about awareness. The quality of your relationships has largely to do with how aware or conscious you are in your relationships. Your relationships will be good if you are consistent, are aware of your needs, and are aware of your partner’s needs. With this consistency and knowledge, you must be careful to be respectful and to ask for respect in return. You must approach your relationship as an ongoing classroom in which you’ll learn about yourself and your partner.

Currently, I am writing a book about dysfunctional romantic relationships. As I sit down to write on a nightly basis, I have had to clearly articulate why dysfunctional relationships fail. One of the realities of failed relationships, I have determined, is that those having the relationship often haven’t learned from their previous mistakes.

When you consider whether people’s relationships get better as they get older, you must ask whether older people are more likely to have learned from their mistakes. Given the fact that there are many older people who are unhappy and who look back on their life with regrets, I would suggest that older people are not significantly more likely to have learned from their mistakes.

People of all ages struggle with relationships. I believe that one of the reasons that people struggle this way is due to rigidity; too often people fight to be the one who is right or who “wins.” The goal for everyone, young and old, should be to become more aware of who they are and to become truly open and flexible. These are life-long goals we all must work on, and getting older is not going to make that any easier. In short, the time to start is now.

Loving Someone With Mental Illness: ADHD

This is the fourth and final essay in my series on what it’s like to love someone with mental illness. There are many different types of mental illness, but this series focuses on four of the most common mental illness. In addition, these are four of the most common illnesses I see in my practice.

In short, there are three different types of ADHD, what used to be known as ADD. ADHD is short for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The three types include one where the sufferer’s problem is a lack of attention, the second where the sufferer’s problem is hyperactivity, and the third where the sufferer’s problem is both poor attention and hyperactivity.

For the sufferer of this disorder, there is a major interference in the ability to function in significant areas of their life (work, social, etc.) if the disorder goes on medicated. With medication, the sufferer can function pretty well, and in some cases, very well.

For the loved ones of the sufferers, the disorder going unmedicated can cause significant frustration. The loved ones often feel bothered by their loved one’s inability to listen, work and complete projects, remember things, or sit still. The disorder, in this respect, can cause problems in relationships.

I have worked with clients whose symptoms cause their loved one to call me on the phone and complain about how their partner’s symptoms are interfering with things at home. Projects don’t get started or completed, and sometimes simple tasks are forgotten. For those who have the hyperactive type of the disorder, the loved ones often feel frustrated that their partners can’t seem to relax and need to be doing a thousand things at the same type.

It is important to understand that medication often successfully treats this disorder. If your loved one is unmedicated, it may be helpful to direct the sufferer to a mental health professional who can help. If your loved one is already medicated and the disorder still negatively impacts your life, try to find ways to make it more bearable. Talk with your partner about your frustrations and try together to come up with ways to make things more manageable in your life together. Finally, it never hurts to do research online, at the bookstore, or at the library to find ways to cope with your frustration. Though you can’t control your partner, you can control your own actions. Exercise and talking to friends can be great ways to blow off steam when you are negatively impacted by your loved one’s disorder.

Loving Someone With Mental Illness: Severe Anxiety Or Panic Attacks

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast

This is the third essay in my series on what it’s like to love someone with mental illness. Like depression, anxiety strikes millions of people across all ages. There are many different forms and disorders that relate to anxiety, but rest assured that they share one thing in common: They make life much harder for those who suffer from it.

Most people know what anxiety feels like. Everyone has probably experienced some type of stress or anxiety in life. For most people, it doesn’t feel good but it doesn’t cripple them, either. For those who suffer from clinical anxiety, anxiety that would meet the criteria of a diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-Fourth Edition is in a whole other league. Not everyone has experienced this kind of anxiety.

Two of the most common types of anxiety are Generalized Anxiety Disorder and panic attacks. With regard to the first, the person suffers from anxiety that is free-floating; there is no event that causes it and no particular reason why the sufferer feels anxious. It can be incredibly frustrating for the sufferer because he or she can’t understand what set it off. With regard to the second, panic attacks, the sufferer often feels as if he or she is having a heart attack and fears he or she is going to die.

These forms of anxiety are typically misunderstood by the loved ones of those who experience it. Loved ones often see the sufferer and think the symptoms are in their head and that they are being dramatic or looking for attention. Part of the difficulty with anxiety is that there is still a lot we don’t know about it. We often aren’t sure why someone suffers from it or what causes it. We can guess that there may have been an event in the past that triggered a traumatic response or that there is an underlying chemical imbalance.

For the loved ones of these sufferers, you must understand that these symptoms are not a show. For those who have severe anxiety or panic attacks, they often carry a general feeling that they wish they could crawl out of their own skin because living in their skin is so painful, at times. These are not weak or vulnerable people. They can be some of the strongest, most resilient people you know.

If a loved one of yours has this experience, think of their condition as you would someone who has extremely high blood pressure. Some bodies are wired in certain ways, and no one is at fault. For the person who has high blood pressure, they must be careful to treat their body well so they don’t push their condition over the edge and risk a heart attack. Sufferers of anxiety must similarly treat themselves well by getting exercise, eating well, and avoiding caffeine. You, as the loved ones, can do a lot to support them if you try to understand their condition and have sympathy for them.

Check out my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast

Loving Someone With Mental Illness: Manic-Depressive (Bipolar Disorder)

This is the second essay in a series on what it's like to love someone with mental illness. This essay will focus on what it's like loving someone who is manic-depressive, or who suffers from what is clinically called Bipolar Disorder.

Bipolar Disorder is one of the most severe mental disorders a person could have. The lives of those suffering from it are hugely impacted by it. While other disorders, such as depression and anxiety, may work in cycles or waves, Bipolar Disorder requires constant, vigilant management. The disorder is typically managed by daily medication and talk therapy.

The trademark of Bipolar Disorder is a major mood imbalance. The person may go from depressed to a manic state, or may experience other shifts in mood that affect the person's ability to function. People who have Bipolar Disorder often have a hard time sleeping. It's not unusual for someone unmedicated with this disorder to be up for two or three days straight because their mind and body simply won't let them sleep.

How do these symptoms affect the loved ones of these people? It has an effect. Parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers see these individuals pass between depression and mania, and they see what a toll it takes on them. One of the realities for the loved ones is they begin to understand that they cannot expect the person to always be consistent; they know the mood and behavior can significantly change.

The situation is more difficult when the loved ones aren't ware of what the problem is. Watching the moods shift can be confusing. If the loved ones don't understand how the disorder works, they can get caught in a cycle of trying to figure out why the person changes so much. Know that if someone's mood appears to change a lot more than yours, they probably have a mood disorder. Just as Depression is one example of a mood disorder, Bipolar Disorder is another.

The situation is often the most difficult for the loved ones who live in the same house as the person with Bipolar Disorder. The reason for this is because the sufferer goes through major mood 'spells' and the sufferer himself or herself feels overwhelmed and often feels a loss of control as a result. This mood shift often spills over to others, and this can set the tone for the mood in the entire house. Loved ones can find themselves walking on eggshells because they never know what to expect next.

In addition, when the sufferer goes into a manic cycle, the inability to sleep can disrupt the whole house. If you share a bed with the person, you may wake up at 4 a.m. and wonder where that person is. You may be further upset when you find that he or she has been up for the third night in a row, unable to lay in bed and sleep. Even if you don't share the bed, that person may be up making noise in the middle of the night and may keep others in the house awake.

Overall, loving someone with Bipolar Disorder creates fear and anxiety in the loved ones. The loved ones learn that medication often does a good job managing the symptoms, so the loved ones become extra cautious and almost parental: "Did you take your medication today?" Though the loved ones would prefer not to worry about this, they know what happens when the sufferer goes off his or her meds.

One of the most helpful things you can do if you have a loved one with this disorder is to find a friend who has a loved one with this disorder, too, or find a therapist with whom you can discuss how this affects you. Though you may try to believe you're fine and you have made the best of the situation, talking things out may help reduce your own frustration and anxiety. Finally, there is a wonderful organization called NAMI. You can find it easily online. The organization offers groups in many communities in which you can meet others who have loved ones with mental illness, and you can also work with others to advocate for greater understanding of mental illness.

Loving Someone With Mental Illness: Depression

Hands down, loving someone with mental illness is one of the most challenging experiences a person could have. More attention is always paid to the individual suffering with the mental illness than the loved one, and this is understandable. However, far too often we neglect just how difficult the experience can be for the loved ones. As with addiction, mental illness affects everyone in its path.

This is the first in a series on loving someone with mental illness, and the first illness I will consider is depression as depression strikes so many people across America. Depression can be confusing for loved ones to understand, particularly if the loved ones have not experienced depression themselves.

Trademark symptoms of depression include a loss of energy and loss of interest in doing things the person normally enjoys doing. Appetite and sleep are often affected, as is the ability to function in everyday life.

Loved ones who don’t understand depression can fall into judgment (“Why don’t they simply get over it?”) or can take things personally (“Is it something I’m doing that's making them unhappy?”). The most important thing to do when you love someone with depression is to learn about the disorder. Research depression online, and ask your friends whether they have experienced depression or have loved someone who had depression. You would be surprised how many people have been affected by depression, either directly or indirectly.

Once you know more about the disorder, you will know you should not judge it and that you should not take it personally. Understand that depression often works in a cyclical manner, which means that the depression will often lift, at least somewhat, in the future. Finally, talk to your loved one and confide in that person that this is a disorder you are learning about so that you can provide support for him or her.

Depression is awful but knowing how to navigate it can make it easier to bear.

‘Picky’ In Dating and Relationships: It Could Be A Problem

An acquaintance of mine calls herself ‘picky,’ but I think that word is only a part of the problem. I have watched her for years go in and out of relationships, and she always manages to find fault with the men she dates.

She tells people that the reason she can’t find a relationship that lasts is because she is picky. She goes on to explain that she is waiting for the ultimate catch, and that she simply has not met him yet. The truth is that she is not really picky; that is not the most appropriate term to capture why she has a terrible time finding a relationship that works.

The problem? She has a terrible fear of intimacy, of finding flaws in another, and of another finding flaws in her. For mere mortals, we expect that our partner will have flaws because we know we have them ourselves.

The woman I am speaking about is not narcissistic or grandiose; it’s not that she thinks she’s perfect. The problem is that she wants to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that arise in a long-term relationship when two people expose their true selves. There is a risk of rejection at that point. For most people, they can handle the uncomfortable feelings. They may not like them, but they will handle them. For this woman, she would rather avoid uncomfortable feelings.

How do you move past this problem and get over what I call toxic pickiness? You give your date or your relationship a chance. Accept that the person you are with is a package, and let yourself sit with some of the feelings you would normally run away from.

It is only when you confront the feelings you are most afraid of that you can move past them and claim victory over the issues that previously held you back.

Managing Conflict In Any Relationship

No matter how hard you try, conflict will arise sooner or later in any long-term relationship you have. Whether the relationship is personal or professional, it is inevitable that two people will butt heads at some point. How you handle the conflict is a testament to your level of awareness of your role in the conflict.

The easiest way to escalate a conflict is to attack the other person. Understand that you don’t have to verbally attack someone for that person to feel attacked. You can make the most subtle statement, but if it is passive-aggressive it will be interpreted as an attack.

Many therapists emphasize the importance of “I” statements during a conflict. They assert that stating how you feel can never be misconstrued as an attack. There is some truth to this, but I think it is a little remedial to suggest that starting your sentences with “I” is going to solve everything. I think people are smarter than this and capable of going one step further.

The best way to handle a conflict, I believe, is to lay your goal out on the table, and remind the person you are talking to that you have the same goal. “We both want this to work, so let’s try to figure out a way to make that happen.” The reason this is critical is that many conflicts end up turning into power struggles between two people.

Power struggles never work. You need to do what you can to take power out of the equation, and make sure that each of you feels safe to come to a resolution together. It helps to say things like “these might be my issues, but…” or “I know I can sometimes be difficult so…” These proclamations are important because they throw the issue of power and control out the window. Acknowledging that you are not perfect and that you simply want to make things work can make the other person feel more comfortable and more amenable to a resolution.

In the end, we catch more flies with honey. Remember to see that person as an ally when problems arise and you will find yourself managing conflict much better as a result.

Fantasizing About Someone Other Than Your Partner

Recently someone asked me if I would write about this issue, and I am happy to respond.

A long time ago, I remember being out with a female friend who told me she occasionally fantasized about other men when having sex with her boyfriend. At the time, I wondered how common this is among couples. I also wondered how many people do this but don't admit it to others, as my friend had.

There are two issues here. First, is it okay to sexually fantasize about others? Second, is it okay to sexually fantasize about others while you are having sex with your partner?

Let's take the first issue on its own. When I see couples in couples therapy, the couple often deals with jealousy issues. I explain to each member of the couple that no one person is going to meet every need the other has, sexual or otherwise. I encourage the couples to learn to allow each to remain an individual inside the relationship, and accepting that your partner may fantasize about others can be very healthy. You give your partner a certain freedom in doing so. You don't put pressure on your partner to only be attracted to you.

The second issue, I think, is more complicated. Certainly no man or woman wants to be in the middle of an intimate moment and wonder whether their partner is actually picturing someone else in the moment. After a couple has been together many years, it's natural for each member to have a fantasy about being with someone else. However, it's not natural to have this fantasy while you are in the act with your partner on a regular basis.

Once in a blue moon, if you find yourself in the middle of an intimate act fantasizing about another, you should not be horrified or feel guilty. If you find yourself fantasizing about someone else on a regular basis, your fantasy has become a coping mechanism to handle feelings about your relationship. You could be bored or angry at your partner, and your fantasy becomes your defense against incorporating intimacy with your partner. Do not give yourself a green light to regularly fantasize about another. Giving yourself this regular pass would allow you to take the easy way out when you really have some work to do to figure out what's wrong in your relationship.

Many times when you confront the feelings underneath your actions, you will come to see more clearly what you are doing and why you are doing it. I believe a successful relationship requires each member of a couple to regularly take inventory of their thoughts and feelings, sexual and otherwise, in the effort to be a solid and healthy 50% of a union.

Hot Topic: The Relationship Between Governor Palin's Daughter & Boyfriend

I always make an effort to watch both the Democratic and Republican Conventions, and last night I watched Governor Palin give her speech as the world watched. At the end of the speech, Governor Palin's whole family joined her on stage. Included in that group were here pregnant teenage daughter and her daughter's boyfriend.

As I watched the young people on the stage, I thought about what I'd heard in the news the same day: The plan is for these two young people to marry. I have no idea whether this is true, as I don't know anyone connected to the family. It does pose an interesting question, however, for the rest of us...

Can a teenage couple make it? Can two teenagers marry and have a long, successful marriage?

We can look at the the odds and consider our instinct, all of which tells us it doesn't seem likely. The reality is, though, that young couples are more likely to make it if their family vigorously supports their marriage, and if neither member of the couple changes significantly. If, for example, both stay in the same area, do vocationally what they always planned to do, and continue practicing the same cultural traditions they had in the past (church, etc.), they stand a better chance.

I know a lot of people who believe that people shouldn't marry until they are older. This belief suggests that people don't know who they are from a young age. I would argue that some people will change less than others during their 20's, the period some believe is critical for figuring out who you are. Those who may change less than others during this period are often people close to their families, who stay in the same area where they grew up, and who are actively involved in some type of organized religion. These factors can help root these individuals. If they marry young, these factors can reinforce the importance of their marriage.

For young couples to make it, they need significant factors that will help them weather the storm because we all know the road ahead can be rocky.

Ask Dr. Seth: What Age Difference Is Too Much In A Romantic Relationship?

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When you are younger, the age difference means more. Having a partner who is up to ten years older can be fine. Even with ten years difference, each member of the couple will notice important differences as a result of age.

Once you get to differences above ten years, you start getting into parent-child dynamics which can be unhealthy for the relationship. To be safe, keep the difference under ten years. Even when you do have an age difference and you are in the relationship, make sure each of you feels you can openly talk about how the age difference plays out for each of you in the relationship.

The truth is that age really does matter.